World Wide Web Fights presents

The Scenario

"Gentlemen and token lady," announces the CEO, "let's get started with our board meeting. It seems that the recent tobacco settlement we've agreed to includes a stipulation for us to donate $10,000,000 to a not-for-profit cause. It does not stipulate what 'cause' it has to be. Any suggestions?"

"Well," begins a board member, "we could donate it to cancer research. It would be good for PR."

"CANCER RESEARCH?" exclaims the CEO. "Those are the yahoos what got us into this mess! No, I'm thinking more of a slap-in-the-face type of thing. We should donate this money to an unrelated foundation--perhaps, even, a loosely defined charity. Give it to something totally unworthy of this amount of money."

Days later, another "board" meeting takes place.

"Gentlemen," the Grand Poobah announces, "The Save The Grudge Foundation™ has received a ten-million-dollar donation. We have to decide how to . . ."

"BEER!" chime several "bored" attendees.

"No," continues Grand Poobah Paul, "we cannot spend it directly on ourselves. If we do, we are no longer not-for-profit and would have to return it. We need to spend it on something to advance the foundation itself."

"Well, we could spend it on a new server vendor for the web site," suggests webmaster HotBranch!

"Done!" replies the Grand Poobah. "Now, what do we do with the other $9,999,799?"

"How about we hire someone big to be in commercials to advertise STGF™?" responds someone. "We could pay the person to be in a series of spots. Perhaps Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan."

"Great idea," answers the Grand Poobah. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Jack Dracula, King of Geeks."

"You're not a member of the STGF™. How'd you get in here?"

"I dunno. Anyway, it's my idea and you can't take it away from me."

"Good enough," concedes the Grand Poobah. "Anyway, do we want Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods?"

"Michael Jordan!" exclaims Joe.

"No way," Mark refutes. "It's gotta be Tiger Woods."

"Settle down, gentlemen," demands the Grand Poobah. "I decree that we have a match to decide the recipient of the multi-million dollar ad contract! Hear ye! Hear ye! The Iron Fist™ hath spoken!"

So, Joe, which sports superstar will secure this superhighway sponsorship?

Michael Jordan Tiger Woods

Michael Jordan

vs.

Tiger Woods

Note to Ground Zero fans: Please don't confuse this contest with a contest for our mascot. Mr. T is our mascot and always will be (until the courts tell us otherwise). This is simply a contest to decide who will be pimping for Ground Zero.

The Commentary

JOE: Michael Jordan would be a much better spokesperson for Ground Zero than Tiger Woods. For one, he is much more athletic, which is a necessary trait to be a truly great Grudge Matcher. Let's face it, running up and down the basketball court, snagging rebounds, and slam dunking from the free throw line is a lot more exercise than riding around the golf green in a go-cart for ten hours a day. Ground Zero needs a spokesperson who is the epitome of a rugged sportsman, and frankly, the most exercise Tiger gets is swinging his club, if you know what I mean. We don't take wimps in WWWF.

Second, Michael has a long record of being the coolest guy to have as a spokesperson. He has many memorable commercials which caused increases in sales of the products he sponsors. What has Tiger Woods have? He has "I am Tiger Woods." Well, whoop-de-doo. He never had anything as cool as "Full-court, off the scoreboard, off the bleachers, killing Joe Pesci, giving an embolism to a White House intern, off the backboard, nothing but net." Which was one of the most classic commercials everywhere. And how about "I wanna be, I wanna be like Mi-ike." Does Tiger Woods have a theme song? No. He doesn't. And last but not least, has Tiger Woods ever promoted porno? No. Michael Jordan has. Michael Jordan goes with porno. Porno goes with the Internet. The next logical step is for Michael Jordan to go onto the Internet, and Ground Zero is an excellent place to start.

Finally, Michael Jordan would gladly use some of paycheck to buy us beer. We're paying him about $10 million for one little sponsorship and being a person of great taste (Example: Hanes Underwear Commercials) he would gladly spend a couple hundred dollars to throw us a huge two-kegger party. I envision a barbecue on Daytona beach, Shane on the grill, HotBranch! chasing girls in bikinis, and Thinkmaster and I trading tequila shots under one of those huge beach umbrellas. Jordan and Brian would be schooling Steve and Brendan W. Guy in a game of two-on-two on the local courts while Tiger Woods would be serving drinks to Jeff. It just makes too much sense, doesn't it?

MARK: I guess Paul and I will have to throw our own party because we're apparently not invited to yours. But that's okay because your party is as fictitious as your arguments. Michael Jordan rebounds? Puh-lease. Tiger riding a go-cart around the links? As we found out in the Casey Martin lawsuit, PGA players (aside from Mr. Martin) are not allowed to ride in golf carts. Off the scoreboard, bleachers, Joe Pesci, an intern, and the backboard cannot, by definition, be "nothing but net" because the phrase implies the ball will come in contact with nothing but the net (and the unavoidable air molecules). Finally, you're more than a little off on your no wimps in the WWWF argument. In WWWF's previous 99 matches, we've had such non-powerhouses as Barney, Wesley, Gilligan, Pee-Wee, Webster, Gary Coleman, and Niles Crane. While I wouldn't want to meet any of these people/dinosaurs in a dark alley, it isn't for fear of injury. I have to admit I'm ignorant about Michael Jordan's connection with porn, but that would be a point in Tiger's favor anyway.

When business executives want to hash out a deal, where do they go? A basketball court? Nope, they head to the links for a round of pasture pool. If you want a business deal with a basketball player, you have to arrange to meet with him, find time for the golf course (where theme songs are useless, by the way), hope that the course has a tee time open for you, and then work on the deal. If you want a business deal with a golfer, you're already halfway home. You just tell him you'll meet him on the course: he's already there and you won't need to set up all those extra nuisances. It's a lot easier, isn't it?

Now, if you'll let me don my Unofficial-Anti-"Conservative"-of-the-STGF™ cap, we, as a not-for-profit organization, have to be extra aware of diversity issues. Okay, both Michael and Tiger are members of minorities. On that, they are even. However, look at Tiger's name: Tiger Woods. With Tiger you've satisfied the civil rights activists, the animal rights activists, and the environmental activists. Throw in Eldrick, his first name, and we've got the support of chess clubs all over the country. With Michael, you only satisfy one group: the civil rights activists.

Let's not forget the endorsements Woods has received in his short career--as a golfer, no less. It's easy to pay money to a recognizable player in a sport already made hugely popular by Magic Johnson, Dr. J, Larry Bird, and Kurt Rambis. But to give that money to someone in a ratings drainer like golf takes a lot of faith in the player. (You know why people play golf, don't you? So they don't have to watch it.) Yet, companies have paid Woods multi-millions. I don't hear 'em complaining either. Even in a sport with TV ratings at the bottom of a skunk pit, Woods is still worth mucho moolah.

Finally, Michael Jordan is as good as retired. Few athletes, other than Bob Uecker, gain popularity when they retire. The closest most get to the "limelight" is signing autographs at local baseball card shows. Michael Jordan's popularity will wane, while Tiger's will increase. It is in our foundation's best interest to hire Tiger Woods.

JOE: Of course you and Paul are invited to Michael Jordan's victory party. I figured Paul could only make a guest appearance due to his high standing of being the Unofficial Big Cheese of the STGF™ and you would not want to attend after shamelessly losing this match...

So what if Tiger strolls around the course in his Khakis instead of riding around on a go-cart. The point is that it hardly exhibits the kind of sheer athleticism we want for a Ground Zero sponsor. The technicality about the "nothing but net" is a moot point as well because it does not detract from the fact that it is a cool commercial. I also beg to differ on my "No Wimps" policy. Lets look at your examples: Barney and Wesley were both mutilated, Gilligan only won because he was facing Pee-Wee, Gary Coleman only won because he was facing Webster, and Niles Crane only won because he was facing Doogie Hauser. My pet goldfish Fluffy could beat up Doogie Hauser. Also, you cannot win this match by pleading ignorance. If you are not aware of the Michael Jordan - porn connection, watch his Saturday Night Live episode.

The only business deals which take place on a golf course are #1: By people who are over the hill. #2: Yuppies. #3: Mobsters. As Unofficial Stereotype Distributor of the STGF™, I hereby declare that the STGF™ members are not in these three categories and therefore this business transaction will not be taking place on the golf course, unless it is over 18 holes of Putt-Putt. Now, I agree that Tiger Woods has at least %5 of every minority group on the planet in him, but who cares? We aren't some pansy-ass politically correct corporate giant trying to please the masses, we are Ground Zero! We thrive on non-PC matches and don't care about the consequences. If we take Tiger Woods as a sponsor we will have become a spineless group of trendy nerds trying not to offend anyone! This is not the image we want to portray for Ground Zero!

I noticed you said we should not forget about all those companies that Tiger Woods has endorsed, yet you did not name even one! Outside of Nike, I can't think of any. And Michael Jordan is as good as retired? Excuse me for just one second...(uncontrollable hideous laughter in background)... Mike just brought home his 6th NBA Championship trophy and he is coming back next year for another one! And he'll be wearing his own brand of cologne while doing it! Mark, you had better come up with some better reasons for Tiger Woods to win because I cannot find a single thing that would make me vote for him.

MARK: Quite frankly, I'm not surprised you couldn't find a reason to vote for Tiger. Perhaps if you had been paying attention rather than spending your time changing the rules for STGF™ business transactions, you would have found a reason or two. But let's look at your original arguments which can be summed up in one sentence: Michael Jordan is a "cool" athlete who will buy us beer. (Yawn.) Now let's look at my original arguments: 1) golf courses are more traditional places of deal making than basketball courts, 2) Woods promotes more diversity, 3) Woods attracts high ratings even though his sport itself doesn't, and 4) active athletes tend to be more popular than retired athletes. Umm, don't worry. At least you've got the alcoholic vote!

It doesn't matter whom Gilligan and Niles defeated, they are still wimps and WWWF champions. Besides, you never established Tiger Woods as being a wimp in the first place. The only evidence you gave was he rides a golf cart, which was wrong anyway. THHPPPPTTTTT!

If my Stereotypes For Dummies book is accurate, aren't Over-the-Hillers, Mobsters, and Yuppies the business leaders of today? Therefore, if we're going by stereotypes, as you seem to want, then all business transactions are taking place on the golf course. Besides, I didn't say PC; I said diversity. Aside from the PC aspect, we need a diverse group of people to tell us what they think. If we limit ourselves to one segment of the population, we'll end up with lopsided results (which we have had). When you diversify the sample pool, you get many different backgrounds and many different opinions. The results will be more accurate. Tiger will help promote that diversity. (By the way, since you're interested, Tiger is also spokesperson for companies including Titleist, Warner Books, and Electronic Arts.)

If Ground Zero wants same-old-same-old run-of-the-mill been-there-done-that advertising, then, perhaps, Michael Jordan is the one for us. However, if we want a fresh-faced cutting-edge pioneer and leader to endorse our similarly adjectived web site, it has got to be Tiger Woods.

Thanks to the internet's own Jack Dracula for suggesting this match.

The Results

Michael Jordan (597 - 66%)

slam dunks

Tiger Woods (304 - 34%)

Thanks to RITH for the on-the-scene picture.

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

Mike and Tiger meet in the palatial lobby of the giant STGF skyscraper. They give each other significant looks, knowing only one can receive good news at the meeting to come. As they enter the giant glass elevator, Mike turns to Tiger, offers his hand, and says "May the best man win." They shake, and tell the attendant (Who is dressed as Godzilla - this *is* the STGF building, after all) to take them to the penthouse office.

"You know, this Musak is really cool," muses Tiger under his breath. It sounds familiar, somehow."

"Yeah," Jordan replies. "... Hey, isn't that the A-Team theme song?"

Hannibal, masquerading as the elevator attendant, only smiles...

What happens after that is messy, involving Murdock-piloted indoor biplanes, 30 year old TNT, at least one Bazooka and Mr. T. yelling "Fool!" a lot. Anyone in the STGF should have no trouble at all picturing it....

Mr. T. gets the sponsorship, fool!

(Mike and Tiger awaken strapped to the backs of burros crossing the Peruvian Andes, with no idea how they got there.)

- martinl

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

The edict, issue from upon high, was to "Be Like Mike". Ah. But what does it mean? Be Like Mike. Mike Be Like what? What is Mike Like? Mike likes spikes, the golf variety.

If one truly wants to be like Mike, one must understand what Mike is like. And what Mike likes. Mike likes to play golf. Therefore, to be like Mike we should play golf. And while Mike is no slouch at golf, he's no Tiger Woods.

"Be like Mike" is passe, unoriginal, and probably a trademark violation. But "Be like he who Mike be like" is a more compelling phrase, along the lines of "the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince" (catchy, no?). It takes the emulation to the next level, to which the WWWF should certainly ascribe. Hence, the obvious selection of Tiger Woods, he who Mike be like.

- James

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

I'm a Tiger fan at heart, but I can't discount Mike's contribution to b'ball. However, the answer came to me last night in a dream:

I was walking down the street and was passing a stadium, where MJ was standing outside. He told me he was out there to promote BallPark Hot Dogs. He then brings out a bun the size of a duffel bag. Well, I was amazed. Then he brought out the hot dog, only slightly smaller than a Yugo.

Anyone who supports hot dogs that can satisfy Third World countries, let alone Vlad's cast-iron stomach (TM), has GOT to be all right in my books.

But I voted for Tiger anyway...

- Vlad, who went to bed after a meal again...

I have to go with..Mike on this one. The "I wanna be like Mike" ads have warpped my brain. Still, whoever wins this will still get the cr*p beat outta them by Mr. T. Thus, It's a no-winner. Most likely everyone at Ground Zero would be slaughtered, just for the idea. Also, Tiger Woods is sucking big time this year.

- starnik

Mike has way too many advantages. He pulls in more advertising money, is a better overall athlete (recall he played minor league baseball too), and too big of a draw. Let's put it this way, you could put Mike in a PGA event and not only would TV ratings skyrocket but he'd have a better than even chance of making the cut (Jordan is a good golfer). Put Tiger Woods in an NBA game and the TV ratings might only increase because people would want to see how deep Barkley would stuff the ball down Tiger's throat.

It's clear to Save the Grudge Match, give me, oops, I mean Mike the money.

- Terpman

This one is all Michael, and here's why. Mike's golf game is almost as good as his basketball game. He once played a round against Tiger. After the round, he was asked how the game was. I don't remember the score, but I do know that one of the reasons why Mike likes to play Tiger is because Tiger is one of the few people who can give Mike a challenge on the links.

- Peter Smith

You're joking right? Jordan is such a whore that his agent must dress like Dolemite. Tiger is a streetwalker in a callgirls game.

- John

PUH-LEEEEZZE. This comes down to pure studliness. Put Tiger Woods in a bare-fisted match against the big M and you get a Tiger-Skin rug. Hell, you can put Tiger in that bare-fisted match with his whole freakin bag of golf clubs and Mike will still romp him. If you want an ad monster, you've got to be like Mike. One scene, one shot. Mike, alone, no background, some mood music and:

"WWWF kicks ass. Take it from me, Michael Jordan." Throw up the logo and the URL.

I'd buy that.

- RITH

Golf sucks.

Yeah, I know we're supposed to be witty and stuff here, but...geez, golf sucks. Jordan by default.

- Chris Bird

Tiger Woods Theme Song:

Tiger, Tiger, burning bright
Winner of the grudge match fight!
Though your figure may be slight
You're not another socialite

You're a multifaceted nineties sort
B-ball's not your only sport!
Your strength is clear on any court
Media, business, school, and sport.

You're ready to take on any man
With courage strength discipline and
Something else that ends with "an"
So open up the whoop-ass can!

- RC

Let's look at this in the classic sence. In the past, most of the WWWF contestants slugged, phasered, pounded, or eaten each other to victory. So why should this be any different? Let's stick 'em in a ring and see what happens....

Tiger has a bunch of metal clubs - Jordan has a big air filled ball.
1 point to Tiger

Jordan has chemical warfare on his side (cologne).
1 point to Jordan

Golf was invented by a bunch of barbaric Picts and Scots. The same people who painted themselves blue and went into battle naked. Heck, these guys were enough to make the Vikings go south! Basketball was invented by a bunch of Americans who didn't have anything better to do with a bunch of peach baskets than start tossing stuff in them...
2 points for Tiger still 1 for Jordan.

Golf, invented by Scots = "Bravehart" and "Highlander" Basketball brought us "Air Bud"
3 points for Tiger 1 for Jordan....

Tiger is par for the course...

- The Unidave

Come on, this is no contest. Just look at the two pictures on the front page. Jordan has the face of a legend, the glare of an opponent killer, the confidence of a champion. "You're about to be humiliated" Tiger Woods has the look of a preppie kid whos never done a day of hard work in his life. "Charlene, we could take my dads BMW down to our beach home, and I could read you poetry out on the shore" Jordan in a landslide.

- Brad

While Jordan may kick far more butt than Mr. Woods when he's actually playing, when it comes to a commercial situation such as this I must regrettably support Tiger Woods over Jordan. Jordan has retired, gone into baseball, quit baseball and joined the Bulls again with a different number, changed back to his original number, and now he's making noises like he might quit again with a new coach for the Bulls. The man lacks commitment, which is a flaw in someone supposed to be speaking for the Grudge Match as even the most cursory examination of us by an observer would show that we all should be committed...

Tiger Woods also has a more wholesome image than Jordan (while Jordan is not a bad man, regrettably he suffers due to the required trash-talk in basketball and having Rodman as a teammate pretty much screws him utterly in this one), which will be important if Congress ever decides to "protect our Luddites... err, children!" from the Internet. With Tiger Woods as our spokesman and the limited attention span of politicians, they would conclude that we MUST be a wholesome "child-safe" site and ignore us. And if the politicians in question aren't golf fans, golf will put them to sleep, thus protecting the Grudge Match either way.

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Look, if there's one thing that my thirty-seven years with the WWWF have taught me, it's that this thing is ALL about politics. Tiger Woods keeps telling us all that he's a Cablinasian. Right now, our relations with Cablinasia are at an all time low - we can't afford to have Woods NOT pimp for us.

Hey, I'm not liking this any more than you.

- Thinkmaster General

Whoever thinks that Tiger Woods will outdo Michael Jordan for the spokesperson job is WRONG. Why?

Just look at how much he has done for endorsements. Once he made his comeback, the stock of his five endorsement companies rose by 2.3 billon dollars! Tiger has done nothing that can rival that! Well....maybe the Nike stuff, but His Airness has already beaten him to it anyway. Michael is worth about a billion bucks to the NBA, and that is because of how much he's done for the sport. He almost single-handedly turned it into an art form. Plus, he's won over more fans, championships, awards, money, and fame than any other player in sport history. What has Tiger done to rival that? Almost nothing! After last year, Tiger hasn't won any major titles. I would consider him to be just a LITTLE bit overhyped, don't you?

And about that "Since Michael is retiring, he will become less popular" thing, Mark is way off key on that. When Jordan retires, the whole world will be mourning and watching him, and he'll be more popular than ever. Plus, now it will inspire another youngster who has ever picked up a basketball to take his place. More than ever, we will want to "Be Like Mike." And that jingle is a lot cooler than simply saying, "I am Tiger Woods." Joe is right: Michael's done more commercials, and they're a lot funnier. Think about the McDonalds commercial where the kid tells him, "All right. Off the arches, off Grimace's head, nothing but net." Now THAT is funny!

Once Michael wins the election and gets the Ground Zero job (which is perfect for him; he can just look at this match and smile), we'll all be throwing a victory party and chomping down on Big Macs and Ball Park Franks all over the computer world. Can't wait!

- -Da Bull

These two have got to be up there with the biggest sellouts in america, up there with the Backdoor Boys and Usher.

I hate sellouts.

I vote that we have the Michigan Militia go have their annual weapons demo on the Woods and Jordan estates on easter sunday.

- Brian C Strock, esq

What is the attitude of the Grudge? Is it Michael Jordan - slam dunk, in yo' face, long range, for 3 with nothing point three left - or is it Tiger Woods - I am Tiger Woods, Hit the ball 300 yards. Don't hit the ball farther... -?
Edge: MJ

OTOH, I think Tiger could beat the crap out of MJ with a three iron...
Edge: Tiger Woods

End of regulation - MJ 1, Tiger Woods 1

Fan Base: Tiger Woods, increasing MJ, decreasing fast due to lockout

Overtime (or 19th hole) win for the Tiger

- Tristan "Jazz Fan" Pratt

This is a simple contest of equipment. Golf clubs versus basketballs. Even if we allow Jordan some baseball equipment he would still be no match for Woods because Jordan has proven that he cannot hit anything with a baseball bat. Woods pummels Jordan into the ground in no time at all. Game, Set, Match.

- Kel

Oh sure, enlist a golf player to represent the Thunderdome that is the WWWF Grudge Match(TM).

What are you trying to do, raise funds to find a cure for insomnia? Just tell your readers to watch a game of golf for five minutes, then go spend your hard-earned 10 mil on your beach bash.

BTW, how come I didn't get invited to this soiree?

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Tiger's a better role model because he's never been involved in any legally questionable activity. Jordan has admitted gambling in the past, and at one point it was suggested that may have been a motive for his father's murder. If Pete Rose can't be in Cooperstown for gambling, then Michael Jordan shouldn't be representing Ground Zero.

Also, let's not forget Jordan's "retirement" from basketball to pursue a baseball career. As soon as he found out that the White Socks wouldn't put him in the major leagues, he went back to basketball, where he could be a big fish in a little pond. Tiger's got more class than that.

- Don Meyers

Well, in true WWWF fashion, one must imagine the two opponents not in type, but rather in brutal, blood-letting battle! Yes, Tiger Woods may be disadvantaged with the strength of a small sapling, but he has got one thing that Michael Jordan hasn't: a bag full of Death Sticks™, otherwise known as golf clubs. Now anyone that's anyone knows that a Big Bertha Driver is one of the fiercest street fightin' weapons around. And getting clubbed upside the head by someone who can drive 300 yards plus (as can Tiger Woods), is going to send anyone to their knees. In fact, I'll bet Tiger got so good at golfing, because of street fighting experience with seven irons and sand wedges.

Yet, what has Michael Jordan got? What's that? A basketball you say? That's right, a little rubber ball filled with air. I mean, it's not even filled with something good, like rocks! The day I hear about someone getting beat up with a basketball is the day I rob a bank with one.

So, if it comes down to a brawl, Tiger Woods is gonna' beat Jordan penniless (which is a serious lickin'). And if the outcome is decided elsewhere, and Jordan wins, Tiger Woods will still likely come after him with his clubs, and then you'll be stuck with a mangled, cripled, swollen, bloody mascot. Although, having Tiger Woods' haggard victims as spokesmen for the unrivaled fury of the WWWF may be exactly the angle you desire...

- Burke Stoller; mr_drundle@hotmail.com

as in "real" wrestling the most ruthless wins and the reffs are blind so tiger would win because he has clubs and micheal has a leather sack of air.

- Peta

"Are you ready yet? Are you ready to DIE!" screams the enraged Jordon, the spittle from his lips hitting Tiger in his bloody eye. Holding Tiger by the hair in one hand, the Demon/Jordon palms a basketball, reaches back, and slams the hardened leather into Tiger's face with a sickening crunch! Tiger's front teeth are driven into his brain with the sound of gristle breaking and Jordon's manaical laugh of triumph fills the air....

...oh waitaminute.

Sorry, that's not the right answer is it. Too bad. I was enjoying that.

- Marvin "Where's the kABOOM? There's supposed to be an earth-shattering kABOOM!" Martian

GroundZero is looking for a man (or woman) with toughness, a man (or woman) who will not quit, a man (or woman) who will not back down in the face of a challenge.

GroundZero is looking for a man (or woman) with a tradition of success, hard work, determination, and a willingness to do the little things and the dirty work to ensure success.

GroundZero is looking for a man (or woman) with a track record that speaks for itself, a man (or woman) whose grit and strength of will lend to a history of accomplishment, a man (or woman) who has won championships by way of talent and also via blood, sweat and tears.

GroundZero is looking for a man (or woman) with a desire to conquer the obstacles he (or she) faces, a man (or woman) who is more concerned with getting the job done than with how gracefully he (or she) does it.

GroundZero is looking for a man (or woman) who is respected by his (or her) peers and by those who follow in his (or her) footsteps.

GroundZero is looking for Kurt Rambis.

- Adam B.

Since when has porn been a disadvantage?

My vote is for Jordan.

- Girardo

Since Ground Zero is for the entertainment/gratification of the masses, we should examine the contact our contestants have had with the entertainment industry. (And not the gratification industry, in spite of the dubious Michael Jordan/Porn connection...e.g. Now showing: Michael Jordan in "Driving Hard to the Hoop in the Paint"...what kind of endorsement is that!?!)

Tiger Woods has been on the Tonight Show, as a (younger) child. He got a laugh when he pcked up the ball and put it in the cup instead of putting.

Michael Jordan has been on Saturday Night Live (just before it became Saturday Night Stinko Crapfest O Rama). He got a laugh when he endorsed a feminine hygeine product. Hmmmmm.....

Tiger Woods was in the news after fellow golfer Fuzzy Zoeller asked him if her would be eating fried chicken and collared greens after he won the Masters.

Michael Jordan has been in a music video alongside Michael Jackson. Jacko crawls through his legs and gets a piggyback ride. Hmmmmmm....

Tiger Woods does endorsements for Disney, alongside Tigger from Winnie the Pooh.

Michael Jordan has done work for Warner Brothers, even starring in a feature film. To this day, I can't go two steps without seeing Space Jam brand lunchboxes, knapsacks, enema kits, syringes, etc.

Clearly, based on all these wonderful instances of success in the entertainment industry, the new spokesman for Ground Zero should be... hey, anybody got Fuzzy Zoeller's number?

- 1/2 Nelson

Gotta go with Mike. The man can defy gravity. That makes him worthy in my books. 'Nuff Said.

- Switz

Your spokesperson will have to be Mr. Jordan (only total sport-on-the- brain-jock-wannabees dare call him Mike), for the single reason of the "Nothing but net" commercial. I seriously doubt that we will ever see a "Nothing but cup" commercial from Tiger. (On the slight chance that some marketing hack reads this and takes it to his boss as "his idea", I will keep my mouth shut for a percentage.)

- Weird Uncle Dave

I pick Jordan, if only because it looks like he'll be out of a job soon and could use the work ;-)

- Vader

Taking a page from the hugely successful milk advertizing campaign (no thanks to Bob Dole), the Grudge Match campaign will have whichever celebrity it will be look closemouthed at the camera, then smile, gushing out a pint of blood and wisdom teeth, and then faint while Mr. T hulks over their carcass and starts beating the kawowie out of them again. He'll say "Got Grudge, foo?" ("Foo" being the closest Mr. T can come to saying "fool") and hits for the website will skyrocket. Seeing how both Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods have nice guy images, market research would point that audiences would be disturbed seeing them sucking wind like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart. A equally recognizable celebrity, although one hated by the general public, will have to be substituted. Plus, he'd be someone who'd be worth $10,000,000 to get Kenny'd. After exhaustive searching, one of the researchers' fourteen-year-old daughter comes in the room with e copy of Teen Beat. And the choice is instantly made: Leonardo DiCaprio will get T'd off.

- Kilgore Trout

Didn't anyone see 2001? A man wacking things with a stick is the cornerstone of civilization.

- Michael Leung

I voted for Tiger Woods because....well....frankly, he's cuter than Jordan. But there is one thing I dont understand. Paul says you cant spend the 10 mil directly on yourselfs in order to remain a not for profit organization. So why dont you just do what other non-profit organizations do.... Spend the money indirectly on yourselves. I'm sure you all have wives. girlfriends or other...um....how should I put it...."significant others" who would be more than happy to do a little typing, filing, cleaning up the office, etc for a few million. That would qualify as an operating expense and therefore not subject to that little profit problem.

- Ellie

I voted for Tiger, however, being a true-blooded American, I know that he will not be victorious in this match-up. "Why?" you ask? Because Michael Jordan is a staple for American pop culture, a god to children who "wanna be like Mike." The whole thing disgusts me.

- Mr. Potato Head

Of course, I could make good, useful arguments one way of the other. But unfortunately, emotion is going to reign over logic in this case. All it took was one look at that picture of Tiger Woods, and all I can think of is "Hootie Jr." Hootie is a has-been. Hootie was overplayed on the radio, bordering on Chinese Water Torture techniques. Hootie just plain annoys me. By definition, Hootie Jr. must be inferior to Hootie, so the choice is clear. Michael Jordan.

- STEVE

While Michael Jordan is obviously the kind of spokesperson that would best represent beer guzzlers such as yourself, a vote for Tiger Woods is a vote for American decency. As much as it pains my hippie soul to endorse apple pie (which we all know is nutritionaly nothing but smashed wheat held together with lard and wrapped around some sugar), I feel compelled to vote for Tiger because he would be such a great cover up to your true nature. A cleaner image would allow you to be as successful as all the mobsters on the golf course...

- Galadriel-nature nymph and the elderly cyber-hippie

Gotta go with Mike. I live in Illinois which happens to have Chicago (unfortunately) as one of it's cities. If I don't, all of the Bulls fans (and assorted bandwagon types) will hunt me down and kill me slowly. This is my only way of being able to survive the Bulls fans. Well, that and I can remind them that although they won another title, they lost the first game of the season to my team... the hapless Boston Celtics.

- Ex-Raven

This really comes down to teammates. Everyone needs backup support to get anywhere in life. Jordan has played alongside Pippen, Bill Murray, and a number of invincible cartoon characters. Woods has played alongside... well, no one. It's frickin' GOLF.

- Dougeroo

That night, as he wifts off into deepest slumber, Michael Jordan has a dream...

...he finds himself somewhere in the desert. Off in the distance, someone is coming. As the stranger approaches Jordan, he is shown to be a rather wimpy-looking individual in suit and glasses. Jordan can't help but think that there is something distantly familiar about this person.

"Michael, you cannot accept the contract. You have too much to live for. Let Tiger have it," the strange man says to Jordan.

"Who are you?", Michael asks.

"I am Herb, the Avatar of Failed Commercial Spokespeople. You might remember me from the Burger King(tm) ad campaign years ago. I had it ALL, Michael: a good job, fast cars, beautiful women. Then one day the suits at Burger King came to me and said, 'Herb, you can have more... much, much more.' I fell for their snare, and have been damned ever since. The worst moment of my life was when my commercial aired during the 1986 Super Bowl. It bombed and I was left with nothing... NOTHING!!!"

"Why are you telling me all this," Jordan asked.

"Because you are successful, as I was, and you're being tempted by the Dark Side(tm), as I also was. Because if you accept this endorsement contract, it will be you that millions will see in a commercial next January, during halftime of the Super Bowl, as you pitch the WWWF. Your reputation will be shot all to hell, and worse, you'll be set up as the straw man when the lawsuits come. Do you think that Paul, HotBranch!, Shane and the rest are going to be caught up in a multi-million dollar class-action copyright infringement case? No, they won't... but you, Michael... your name will be all over it. Those rat-bastards that call themselves lawyers are going to take every piece of you they can get their grubby claws on. And you'll be left with nothing: not the Hanes(tm), not the Ballpark(tm), not even the shoes. And you'll be even more damned than I was. For your own good, Michael, DO NOT ACCEPT THE CONTRACT!!!"

Jordan jerks wide awake, rubs his eyes and thinks to himself, "man, that was the most vivid nightmare I ever had. Well, I need my rest for the game tomorrow," as he slides back into sleep.

Cut to the next morning, at the Jimmy "The Greek" Memorial Golf Classic to Combat Compulsive Gambling. Jordan and Woods have chosen the pro-am of this event as the venue to determine who will take the coveted WWWF(tm) spokesman contract. As Jordan is on the putting green of #8, with one stroke in the lead of Woods, an errant ball streaks out of the heavens and hits Jordan square in the noggin, dropping the basketball great to the ground. A physician on the scene says that Jordan will be unconscious for some time, and will be unable to finish the game. By default, Tiger Woods is declared the winner. History would later record that Wood's brilliant career was ground to a screeching halt just before the Steelers scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl a few months later, as he touted the upcoming Ground Zero(tm) matchup between Smurfs and Keebler Elves. The last thing anyone ever sees of Woods is his ghostly apparation trying to get an Iowa farmer to build a golf course in the middle of his cornfield.

As he slides the Big Bertha(tm) back into his bag, a bespectacled little man says to himself, "sorry I had to do that, Michael, but it was for your own good," as Herb drives the cart quietly off the course, never to be seen again.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight

Do you think Tiger Woods really has time to mess around with you Grudgies(tm) when he could be out sporting his Nikes and Reeboks and Titlists etc etc...?? No way. $10 million is chunk change. You need a guy who'll help a "brotha" out, AKA Michael Jordan.

- Fire and Ice

It is decided that Tiger Woods will get the money and that this will be his only endorsement on the web EVER. They put him on the page and the next day get an email from a lawyer saying that Jack Dracula is suing them for stealing his idea. He wants $10,000,000 for his idea. Jack Dracula wins but they've already paid Tiger Woods so there's no money left. Anyone ever affiliated with Grudge Match pawns all their possessions and declares bankrupcy. Jack Dracula ruins Grudge Match forever by telling all his fellow geeks what happened and Grudge Match is ruined forever. Everyone that worked so hard on it end up working at Mcdonalds. And they all live happily ever after.

- Another person who HATES lawyers

Where do I start? Joe's right, Golf sucks. Only preppies play it, and they suck too. I hope the fact that Jordan's played it before doesn't affect him... He's also played baseball. Heck, he's also saved the world! A lot more than Woods has ever ammounted to. There's your diversity for you, Mark.

Bottom line: Jordan looks a little like Mr. T, while Woods is just a pretty-boy. Mr. T eats pretty boys for breakfast!

- MonkeyDog

Michael Jordan is pals with those Looney Tunes guys, so before ya know it, poor Mr. Woods has an anvil on his noggin and dynamite down the ol' pants.

- Wonka

The best choise is Woods of course. Speeking as an Australian, if you want world wide recognition; sure I've heard of Jordan but I couldn't pick him a line up, Woods is your man for international succsess. Having said that you'll pick Jordan of course becase most of you readership is US oriantated, just another reason why you need Woods to spread the word to the furthest reaches of the globe. So I call on the descrestion of the Judges to act on what is "Best For The Grudge", and overturn the vote of those who obviously don't need advetising to sway their loyalty your way, and declare Woods the winner. Let the grudge grow like the cancer that spawned your new funds.

If you need anymore convincing just remember that its all down to "Balls", sure Jordans got one big one, but Woods has a whole bag full of them.

- Tony

Tiger Woods. Why? Because the @#%*& Bulls won the #$%@ championship over the Utah Jazz, because of a &*^@ last moment prayer shot by Jordan! Yes, I am *bitter*!

Besides, Jordan already has billions in contracts and is spokesman for hundreds of "charities". Let Tiger have his...shot, at it.

- Fred "Cynical Spice" Swetland

Well I voted for Woods but now I see the err in my ways. For those of you who have watched a Bulls games and have been dis- gusted by Micheal traveling and pushing constantly and not getting called because he is MICHEAL JORDAN. IF (and that's a substantially big IF) he does get called he simply waves his hand at a REF and points to the lettering J-O-R-D-A-N on his Jersey and the call is magically cast onto some rookie.

Take these 2 scenerios

(1)-In all likely events Jordan wins the match, and he shrugs off his victory and says," Of course I won Ammad Rashad I'm Micheal Jordan. Oh and don't worry I'm retiring, so you don't have to kiss my [censor if you like] ass any more.

(2)-MY GOD, He looses and he calls up the ground zero panel and says,"Hey internet punks I'm MICHEAL JORDAN." The Panel is hypnotized by the words and mysteriously the next day the a mistake has been reported and the scores are reversed to favor Mike.

Therefore Micheal wins, unless he gets so pissed off he decides to get his revenge in a different way. Jordan uses his Hypnotic poweres to take over the presidency. He than hypnotizes congress and claims Supreme dictatorship.

3 days after the Democracies destruction the panel is missing. Wopachaun is reported dead and all free speech is eliminated.

So I hope You voted for Jordan otherwise you may never be seen again. Its too late for me. Save yourself.

- Wopachaun

When faced with question of such galactic importance as the endorsement fate of my Beloved Grudge Match (tm), I must rely on the wisdom of masters from times past. Thus, I give this analysis over to my esteemed colleagues, Socrates and Plato.

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Socrates, founder of the Socratic Method, which is a way to seek the truth through dialogue. This is my colleague Pluto."

"Plato!"

"Whatever. Now, the question we have today is: Who would endorse the Beloved Grudge Match (tm) better? Tiger Woods, or Michael Jordan? As all truly wise minds can see, the question basically boils down what you prefer. A man who HITS BALLS for a living or a man who SLAMS BALLS for a living? What are your thoughts, Piscipo?"

"I have a sudden urge to cover my crotch."

"That has nothing to do with our problem. It's a normal adolescent urge, perfectly understandable. But please don't do that here, that's what Pee-Wee got in trouble for. As we break down this problem further, we see that while one individual hits a ball with a club and then lets it take its course, the other must be in constant control until the last possible moment. One is obviously much more relaxed and accepting of fate than the other. What does this sound like to you, Pinto?"

"An inferiority complex coupled with intense separation disorder on the part of the controller?"

"WRONG. The relaxed person is obviously just a wimp. Come on. Watch golf. Exactly what takes personal strength here? Other than that insane amount of patience it takes to stare at one ball and one cup for five hours and then miss the bloody shot. And the mental fortitude it takes not to be driven mad by Payne Stewart's outfits. The controller knows where he is. He knows what's necessary. And he knows how to get the job done. What can we conclude from this, Pubic?"

"Plato."

"Whatever."

"Um... we can conclude that he's the right man for the job?"

"WRONG. *I'm* the right man for the job. Everyone knows that. But, since I can't deal with such lowly creatures as those who pretend to know what is good for our Beloved Grudge Match (tm), I suppose I'll have to let them select the next best appropriate man. Do you know who that is, Pissler?"

"PLATO."

"Playdough? Where?"

"No. My name. My name is Plato. People call me Plato."

"I don't. But did you know that life is like a box of chocolates? You never know what you're going to get."

"Wrong Grudge Match, Soccer Tees."

"Socrates."

"Whatever."

"Anyway, we can conclude that the next best appropriate man is Michael Jordan?"

"WRONG. Well, not wrong, but anyone who makes a full-length movie with the Looney Tunes is automatically disqualified. Tiger Woods is the appropriate choice by default."

- The Evil Genius

I can't believe you missed it! Jordan has worked with the Bugs Bunny and his company, you can't get any cooler than that. Anybody who can keep up with the Looney Toons can do anything (and sell anything).

- Claymore

Tiger wins for two reasons.

1: He not only has the "eye of the tiger" which helped Rocky, he was born with TWO of them.

2: He is not starting a company based on a stupid logo.

Jordan loses because. . .

1: The "eye of the Michael" is worth nothing

2: Michael is starting his own company. This will anger Bill Gates of Microsoft. {Email Mr. Gates at PinkyNDaBrain@aol.com} By affiliating yourself with Michael, you will only bring down the "Wrath of Gates" upon your scrawny "non-profit" organization. You'll be out of business sooner than you can say "Do you want fries with that?"

Finally, it's about time you get some money. Maybe now you can get some decent viewers with decent responses. I've had to put up with stupid responses like this one for far too long. Who lets them through Quality Assurance anyway?

- Crazy Robbie's Used joke emporium

Demographics, people, demographics. If the ad doesn't draw the right sort of people here, we might as well not have tried. I mean, would you want to have the ad air on CBS and then see the Grudge Match overrun by the sort of people who watch Touched by an Angel and Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? I mean really watch them, not just sit there and have deviant fantasies about Roma Downey and Jane Seymour. Not that I do. Anyway, likewise, you wouldn't want to see Wilford Brimley or one of the Hanson brothers pitching the Grudge Match and then have to endure a site swarming with sour old farts or braindead mallrats, now would you?

With that in mind, the choice is clear. However thrilling Michael may be to watch as an athlete, let's face it: the man is a square. What was the biggest controversy in his career? Illegal gambling? Yawn. You know you're never going to hear about Mike trashing his hotel room after losing a game or being caught in bed with three "models" and a chinchilla, and he's never going to call a press conference to announce that he's changing his name to Hassan il Sabbah to show solidarity with his oppressed brothers all across America. Heck fire, he's so dull he can even make a Warner Brothers cartoon tedious and unfunny. And this, this is the man who's going to communicate the sublime weirdness of the Grudge Match to all of America? I say thee nay! (Sorry. That just kind of slipped out.)

Now Tiger, despite his having chosen that most whitebread of sports as a career, is just dripping with promising signs of freakiness. Can anyone who started athletic training before he could walk ever be anything less than abnormal? I mean, "Eldrick"? "Cablinasian"? Having his own personal shrink caddy for him, in case he needs a quick mental touch-up on the back nine? Don't forget his connection with Thailand, the child porn (hi there, Mr. FBI Person!) capital of the universe. And where Mike is steadily, tediously terrific, Tiger's games swing from execrable amateurishness to polished brilliance, the hallmark of an unbalanced mind. Just look at that face sometime -- he's one or two major freak-outs from total Michael Jacksonhood. Yes sir, now that's a Grudge Match spokesman!

- Shem

It's really quite simple:

No one has ever heard of kids killing each other over a pair of Turf Woods™ golf shoes. Air Jordans™, on the other hand...

Tiger Woods is the only way we can save the children and develop our future audience.

- HotBranch!

First thing, I would like to congadgulate you on fight 100 and I think the new logo looks great. Now on to the fight. It starts out with both fighters making sure the Sign of the devil, or as you may call it, the Swoosh, on their clothing is visible. then they start fighting like the girls they are. Jordan tries to slam dunk on woods but is interupted as SkaBoy comes in and beats the bannas out of them both. He then yellsat the owner of Nike and beats him too. So in the end the two sellout, money hungry, and total loosers get wailed on by the scrawney, young, computer geek.

- SkaBoy

Michael Jordan is clearly the better choice. Jordan has improved his accomplishments with age, while Woods has'nt won a major in almost a year and a half. At that rate the only thing Woods will be remembered for is "the guy who went from golf's greatest hope to golf's greatest joke". By then all his endorsments will go to NASCAR's great hope Jeff Gordan ,in hopes that someone else can bring a new sport to the interest of Americans. If Jordan's the one who's going to buy everyone beer then great. Everyone knows that America's true national pasttime is beer and baseball just came along for the ride. Jordan has also shown his ability to appeal to different markets by making Space Jam then promoting the off spin porno to that "Face Jam". Micheal Jordan stands for what people care about most: Sex and Alcohol.

- LS3

MICHAEL JORDAN easy. even TIGER WANTS TO BE LIKE MIKE!!!

- LEN-BO

unfortunately, as part of his arguments, joe mocked mobsters. i can only assume he is now wearing cement overshoes, sleeping with the fishes, shaking hands with jimmy hoffa, pushing up daisies, taking a dirt nap , and any other cliche i've forgotten.

anyway, with joe no longer around to plead his case, i am forced to vote for tiger.

condolences to the family

- (Anonymous)

I have to go with Tiger on this one? Why? Because his buddies Eeyore and Pooh can whip some ass.

- Winnie the Poop

First of all, I would just like to remind everyone, that I took first place in the 1989 Bell County Optimist Tri-Star Free Throw competition. Bring on Jordan and Brian!

Anyway despite the fact that Steve and me are going to kick his ass at basketball, I still think we should go with Jordan. Let me enlighten you as to why.

Recently Details magazine columnist Anka Radakovich decided to try life as a sports reporter. She met up with Tiger Woods and asked him a simple and entirely reasonable question, "Have you ever had sex on a golf course?"

Woods got flustered and ended up having his goon squad 86 Anka. Now I ask you, if the man can't even handle a sex question asked by a cutie like Anka Radakovich without calling out his body guards to protect him, how can he possibly represent Ground Zero?

- Brendan W. Guy

Mark is so wrong it isn't funny. (On second thought, it is, and I'll prove it.) Tiger Woods can't be a model of racial diversity, since he's part-white. Any liberal in good standing will tell you Caucasians are the opposite, nay the enemies, of diversity. Jordan's pure racial line will suit the bean counters much more.

If there's any lingering doubt about the political standing of this match, let me illustrate further by recounting the Presidents each athlete has dissed. After winning his first NBA chamionship, Jordan refused to go to the White House with his team at the Chief Executive's invitation. (I'll name no names, but for convenience we'll call the man in question "Poppy".) Asked why he snubbed Poppy, Jordan replied, "I didn't vote for him." I think we know where he stands.

As for Woods, right after winning the Masters, he received an invitation from the President(I'll name no names, but for convenience we'll call the man in question "Bubba") to attend a ceremony at Shea Stadium honoring Jackie Robinson. (There's that diversity again!) Woods promptly blew off Bubba--or should I rephrase that?--to go on vacation with his family.

We can see the political pattern now, and it's exactly opposite to how Mark portrayed it. Fortunately for Woods, the Save The Grudge Foundation™ is a bunch of white guys, so they will gladly throw the endorsement cash his way. Our resident anti-conservative Mark, horrified at the irony of winning the match for all the wrong reasons, will dissolve into a puddle of bubbling goo, screaming "I'm melting!" all the way. (But we'll splash some beer on him at the beach party, and he'll be fine.)

- Call me Shane

I voted for Tiger Woods. My main reason was because one or more politically correct individuals have flamed him for being sexist. Specifically, belonging to a male-only country club. As a woman, I am bored of the short-sighted politically correct attitude and believe that a vote for Tiger Woods is likely to annoy more people.

- Ada spelled A, D, A Kerman

Mobsters on the links, gentlemen? MOBSTERS? Oh, now I have an explanation for that enigmatic statement on the Gotti tapes: "Watch it with that [expletive deleted] club, Sammy! Waddaya tryin' to do, devirginize my [expletive deleted]?!?" But I digress...Let's look at Mark's well-presented arguments, on which this match hinges.

Golf = Business. MJ not only plays golf, but owns a restaurant and runs a major corporation, as we saw in a recent ad campaign.

Diversity. How many PGA athletes are coached by a self-proclaimed Socialist Buddhist-Christian and play with a motorcycle-riding black transvestite Grudge Match winner?

3) Woods attracts high ratings even though his sport itself doesn't. The point of marketing is not necessarily to reach the most people, but to reach the most people who will use your product. Who is more likely to attend these biweekly can openings, the people who crowded half a million strong into Grant Park to celebrate The Last Dance(tm), or people who choose their sports heroes based on the amount of Hasidic-Polynesian- Bisexual-touch-typist blood that flows in their veins?

4) Active athletes tend to be more popular than retired athletes. Five words: Vince Lombardi and Babe Ruth. You don't even have to be alive to get a good endorsement contract when you're one of the all- time greats. Long after Tiger Woods is just an answer in Slacker Edition Trivial Pursuit(tm), people will want to be like Mike.

As usual, Jordan takes it to the hole and slams it. Mark gets the George Armstrong Custer Masterful Debating Award(tm) for his superlative and quixotic efforts. I suggest that he be put in charge of coordinating the STGF Beach-Party Potluck.

- Mr. Silverback- You haven't lived until you've had Rambette's pasta salad.

Michael Jordan plays basketball. Basketball is one of the most popular sports in the world not because it is such a good game (which it is) but because it is incredibly cheap to play. Buy a $20 basketball and find or construct a makeshift hoop and you're set. Even the most dirt poor village can have a team. (NOTE: This explains the popularity of soccer - the only game cheaper to play is hide and seek). Heck, the most expensive piece of equipment is the shoes and MJ gets those for free since he's the jerk that turned a $20 pair of sneakers into $150 Michael Jordan's(tm).

Tiger Woods plays golf. There is a good reason why the game is so popular among the rich - they are the only ones that can afford it. Once you get past the clubs, special gaudy clothing, shoes, balls, green fees, club memberships, caddys, golf carts, alligator repellant and the six drinks (with little umbrellas) at the 19th Hole, we are talking some serious money here. Heck, you have to own a luxury car to even park in the lot. Yeah, he wins $500,000 at the tournament but after overhead and taxes, he's probably left with money for the cab.

Tiger wants the money more. Even better, he will be willing to work for less. We will have money left over.

I wonder what I'll do with that money...

- Paul G. (solongsuckers@rio.noextradition.com.br)

THE FINAL WORD...™

While Michael Jordan is obviously the kind of spokesperson that would best represent beer guzzlers such as yourself, a vote for Tiger Woods is a vote for American decency.

- Galadriel-nature nymph and the elderly cyber-hippie

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Dick Vitale v. Sam Kinison v. John Moschitta
Dennis Rodman v. RuPaul
Grudge Match™, Da Sports Edition™

Next match: What is the sound of no hands clapping?
ETA: Wednesday, August 5th.