Los Cinco Muertos island chain:

In an effort to boost ratings, Animal Planet has sent a television crew to the newly rebuilt Jurassic Park. They were going to send Jeff Goldblum again, but, when asked, he only laughed. Well, we think it was a laugh. It's difficult to tell with Jeff. Only he knows for certain. Instead, they find a more reliable host to document the large reptiles in an entertaining fashion for an upcoming special.

The day is sunny and warm. The Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, and his wife, Terri, are going into detail on what each animal does, how it eats, and other interesting facts. After crossing the island only once, there have already been plenty of "crikey" and "Ain't she a beaut?" exclamations to go around.

Suddenly, it turns dark and a thunderstorm rears its powerful head! In Jurassic Park, that can mean only one thing: dinosaurs be outta da cage!

Can Steve Irwin double back across the island and get to the helipad before being eaten? Will Terri Irwin become Teriyaki? Will Jurassic showers bring Mesozoic flowers?

MARK: Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, doesn't stand a chance here. He gets full marks for surviving being bitten by an alligator, but these are dinosaurs. What's he going to do? Grab them by their tails or hold branches over their heads so they think they're safely in a tree? That may work in Australia, but this takes place in Los Cinco Muertos. With a name like that, death to gringos can't be far behind.

This is going to take, minimally, a special kind of toughness. Steve Irwin isn't even the toughest guy on the Crocodile Hunter program. That camera operator has been in just as many dangerous situations as the Irwins, and the Irwins don't have to lug around camera equipment. The truly amazing part of that is you never hear swearing. If the camera operator weren't so tough, this would be a common exchange:

Croc Hunter: Be still now. The elephant knows we're here and if she feels threatened, she'll charge at us and nothing will slow her down. She's powerful enough to snap these trees like matchsticks!
Camera Dude: Say what?
Croc Hunter: Crikey! She's scared. She's going to charge any second. I'm going to quickly get out of here while my head and limbs are still attached.
Camera Dude: [Poopie!]

Many of these dinosaurs are aggressive predators. That's something the Crocodile Hunter doesn't deal with very often. Most of the creatures Irwin chases are dangerous, but only in self-defense. In Jurassic Park, the animals can be big, aggressive, and hungry! Steve and Terri are the right size to be considered, if I may use scientific jargon, finger food.

These aren't the Flintstones' dinosaurs and we don't have the Jurassic Park "writers." The Crocodile Hunter will have to survive on his own cunning and athletic ability. Let's just cut to the ending here: a dinosaur sits, picking Steve Irwin parts from its teeth while scraping Terri Irwin remnants from its foot.

BRIAN: I see that the same mind that handed the Simpsons their only Grudge Match defeat (when they weren't fighting themselves) remains as warped and misguided as ever.

Without reason you dismiss the Jurassic Park "writers", yet they are the ones that built this world, and it must abide by their rules. As Paul Golba once pointed out, the JP kill record is very poor, even failing to kill the Skeptic and the Frankestein-esque creator in the first movie. Without doubt, the Hero™ and his Romantic Interest™ will always survive on this island, which means Steve and Terri will fly off to safety. Most or all of their crew, however, will die in a variety of grisly ways, always buying the Irwins just enough time to escape. Your supposedly tough cameraman, who stays safely back most of the time, will also make it to the Helipad clearing, only to be taken down by the smartest of the raptors. This, once again, buys the Irwins the chance to get in the chopper and slam the door shut on the raptors claws, which elicits screams from the small child they somehow managed to find and rescue.

In fact, that's the worst it will get for the Crocodile Hunter, aside from the encounter with the T.Rex. Even that is easily solved, however. After the gaffer is, well, gaffed, Steve starts shouting out some of his catch phrases: "We're flat out like lizard's drinkin'!" and "She's fine as frog hair mate!". The T.Rex will be so confused by this gibberish that it stumbles back, not realizing how close it is to a cliff edge. At that moment, Steve thrusts a bush full of berries into its mouth. It becomes loopy, looses its balance, waves its little arms to no avail, and falls into a mud crater with its tongue hanging out.

Let's face it: Steve just knows too much about animals. Having read up on and observed dinosaurs on the island, as well as his extensive reptile and bird knowledge, he'll likely figure out a way to follow a herd of hadrosaurs to avoid predators as he safely crosses the island. And if all else fails, Steve was wrestling full-sized crocs at age 8. As an adult, a raptor should be no problem.

MARK: Ptthhththhtthh! [*gag*] Blech! There I was, trying to make heads or tails out of your commentary, when someone thrust a shrub full of berries into my mouth. Damn near fell off a cliff!

But that didn't distract me from the humor of your commentary. Like the T. Rex being confused by "We're flat out like lizard's drinkin'!" I'm certain the T. Rex was keeping up with the dialogue to that point. And how funny was your desperate ploy of making fun of my past failings? I realize we're talking about dinosaurs here, but could you limit the irrelevant character assassination references to the current millennium? Thank you.

You're close. While the match may have to abide by the creator's rules, it doesn't have to abide by "writers'" plot devices. (A billionaire putting a blatant malcontent in charge of security. What's next? Rosie O'Donnell elected president of the NRA?) Velociraptors being cunning and quick hunters is a rule. Velociraptors not being able to catch panicky kids was a plot device.

I doubt Steve Irwin would get to the helipad even without the dinosaurs. He gets too distracted by other animals. For example, there was the time he was gingerly riding an elephant and saw a snake in a tree. He leaped off the elephant and climbed the tree to see if the snake was venomous. (It was.) Now imagine what he would do in an environment where he had never seen ninety percent of the animals. No matter how much research you pretend he could have done, these animals are new to him. He's going to want an up-close look. And he'll get an up-close look…of a dinosaur esophagus.

In short, all of your clever sidestepping doesn't change the fact that we're looking at dinosaurs of all sorts going against a few humans armed with only a video camera. If the dinosaurs can understand human dialogue, there is just one more thing to say:

Bon appetit!

BRIAN: Because something happened last millennium it's not relevant? You do realize that most of WWWF History took place in the Second Millennium™? Are you suggesting that we throw out all Grudge Match precedence? Shall we now dismiss the Babe Factor™ or spit on Mr. T? Besides, last week could be called "last millennium" -- it all depends on your reference point. Your words are the words of a desperate man.

And speaking of desperate, how could anyone try to justify that a universe where kids can escape deadly prehistoric lizards using reflections and walk-in freezers would somehow kill the heroes/romantic leads? Absurd! And as far as Irwin's curiosity getting to him, that was satisfied on his first trip across the island, which probably took 3 days.

It's interesting, though, that you mention Steve chasing venomous snakes through trees. This guy routinely goes out of his way to chase highly deadly and feared snakes and other nasty animals despite being miles from sufficient medical aide. He grabs black mambas by the dozen. Not only does he wrestle crocs, but he even met his wife while wrestling a croc. And I don't mean he was wrestling crocs at a zoo and met her between shows. I mean he had the beast in a headlock, looked up, and picked her out of the crowd. Despite all this, he has never suffered a major bite (aside from that FedEx commercial) and has never even been hospitalized. There is only one logical explanation for this: he has obviously sold his soul to Satan. That's right, Steve Irwin has bartered his eternity to Beelzebub in exchange for invincibility, fame, and fortune. Dinosaurs may be "terrible lizards", but they can't even outlast a meteor, nevermind The Prince of Darkness™.

The Results

The Crocodile Hunter (2011 - 55.8%)

escapes

Jurassic Park (1593 - 44.2%)

Cheating note: There was some attempted pro-Jurassic Park vote stacking
from London, Ontario and Vienna, Virgina. All those votes were thrown out.

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Bloody hell has my mate Irwin got his work cut out for him! The bush in those back parts is as dry as a drovers dog and by crikey the critters are whoppers! But she'll be apples; a true-blue, dinki-di, ocker Aussie like Irwin can give it a fair go, and it's my bet he'll fossik out a dead-set nosh-up, faster than he could boil the billy for a bit of dead set dino tea. True, the camraman will get caught on the dunny, but don't get off your bike; Irwin can move like a possum up a gum tree, and Terrie like a rat up a drainpipe, together they can kick in and kick those Jurassic mugs hooroo!
Stone the crows, I'm zonked!

- The Ring-in.

We're assuming this makes sense. - eds.

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Obviously they both win. Or they both lose, depending on how you look at things.

Any action involving Jurassic Park must take place simultaneously in two parallel universes: the Universe of Crichton and the Universe of Speilberg.

The Universe of Crichton is generally a dark, vicious place. People die horrible, grisly deaths, and slow ones at that. Though these people sometimes bring it on themselves by exhibiting Evil Corporate Greed(tm) or Dissing Mother Nature(tm), they can also die simply from being at the wrong place/wrong time. Babies and dogs are not safe, and you'd better not fall asleep lest you wake up with a procompsognathid chewing off your face.

The Universe of Spielberg, on the other hand, is a bright, happy, cheerful place, a more PG-13 type place if you will. The only people who die are Politically Incorrect Sinners, such as lawyers, smokers, hunters, and guys who have girly pictures for their screen wallpaper. Women and children are in no real danger. The Universe of Spielberg is the stuff of Happy Meal tie-ins.

So in the Crichton Universe, we might open with a nice Australian production assistant noticing that several cameramen have failed to return from their assignments on Isla Nublar. After investigating some remains, a medical examiner might conclude mysteriously that "whatever killed this man, it wasn't a crocodile." Cut to the island, where Steve exclaims, "Aw, crikey, we'll nevah finish this special on the ten most asininely dangerous dinosaurs in the world! That's the sixth cameraman we've lost this month." He decides Terry can take over the camera duties while he sticks his head into the mouth of a hungry velociraptor. "WOTCH THEES!" he exclaims. "The skin on my neck is burning! I guess velociraptor saliva is highly acidic! Who knew?" Steve slips into delirium but is aware that a velociraptor has unraveled his intestines and is jump-roping with them. Terry escapes the raptors only to have a nasty run-in with Katie Couric (aka The Epitome Of Evil) while filling in for Steve on "The Today Show."

However, while Jurassic Park won that contest, things look mighty different in Spielbergland. You see, more people can pay to visit Spielberg's Universe if it's not saddled with a cumbersome R rating. Besides, velociraptor action figures sell better when the raptors haven't just disemboweled the hero. So in the Spielberg Universe, Steve and Terry use their vast knowledge of dinosaurs to outwit the things, and they sleep happily on a tree limb while the John Williams' music underscores the grandeur of it all. Meanwhile, the T.Rex takes out a flock of politically incorrect baddies, including Bill Gates, a Boy Scouts pack leader, and a guy who works for Fox News. Of course, the camera cuts away before we see much carnage.

So the winner depends upon your version of reality. I like the one with the intestines myself.

- naughtylittlemonkey

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

"G'day, mates! Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter here! Today we're broadcasting from inside the stomach of a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Sadly, my wife Terri won't be here today, as she was torn to pieces by a pack of ravenous Velociraptors. Now please observe, if you will, the digestive acid that is slowly and painfully eating through my legs...."

- Stretch Dude, Master of Ridiculous Non Sequiturs

"Well, mate, we've found 'er. She's sleepin' rioght ova 'ere. Be vary cotious, mate, we don' wonna wake 'er. This is the last T-rex left in the woruld. One bite from 'im, and it's oll ova'. YEEEOWW!! Argh! Crikey! it appears my 'ead is off, mate! See you in Hell!"

I hate that bastard, because whenever I fly across the country, they put his stupid ass on the in-flight program. Jeez.

- Mr. Floppy, formerly known as The Super-Intelligent One

Terri meanwhile, having long since known Steve was a lunatic, gave up on him, assisted the dinosaurs in his capture and death, and is now playing trumpet with the clay dinos from the music video. Happy endings for everybody! ... everbody but Steve, anyways.

- Quincyraptor

A demented Australian whose main skills are surviving close encounters with large carnivorous reptiles while commenting on the aesthetics of their dental structures, vs... a bunch of large carnivorous reptiles with sharp teeth.

It would seem Mr. Steve "I Like Lizards" Irwin has this in the bag, no? But these are no crocodiles, mister. These are swift-moving, flesh-rending, bus-sized movie monsters of the subclass Archosauria, and they're not about to let some idiot with a goofy accent examine their teeth (unless he's a licensed dentist, which I doubt).

"Danger! Danger!" indeed. This match is over before you can say "What big teeth you have, Grandma!"

- Andy the Anarchist

Deep under the island, in a crude temple, a force of supreme darkness sits brooding. It felt comfortable here; the brute animals that roamed it's surface had some primitave resemblance to itself. Perhaps, it mused, it had once been something like them. This island is its sanctuary, as it regathers its dark powers for its next attempt to enslave, corupt, and destroy the pitiful human race. And gain revenge on a few particularly repulsive humans along the way. Ensign Crusher, Steve, Brian, Mr. T. Sigh, so much carnage, so little time. But now this idiot is prying into its domain. Very well, foolish human, you will be delt with. The darkness in the room shifts and moves, revealing a flash of poisonous-looking magenta. A presence drifts upward out of the arcane room, and the temple lightens visibly.

On the surface, Steve is to engrossed in a sick tricerotops to notice the way the sunlight seems to be weekening. The dinosaur becomes spooked at something and panics, distracting the crocodile hunter from the mist creeping over the ground and the hissing, sephulceral wind that has risen. It finally drags itself away, leaving Steve alone under a darkenned sky that even he cannot ignore. The mist thickens and congeals, bearing a stench of things rotting and dead, things better forgotton. Before blacking out forever, he hears a faint whisper;

I... Love... You...
You... Love... Me...

Back in the cavern, the thing settles itself into the shadows after subsiding on the human's puny existance. It is again content... and it will wait.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

So, its rather simple - if this is the book's island where reality and logic actually mean something, Steve and Terri not only make it back to the helipad, but they help to set the leg of an injured apatosaurus, and release a young pterodactyl back into the wild.

On the other hand, if this is the hollywood version, Steve & Terri make it back to within shouting distance of the helipad only to see the helicopter take off without them and the two kids, panicky accountant, and ex-military head of security they have found on the island, at which point they make their way toward the dock (where there is a convenient seaplane that is fully fueled and remarkably untouched by the fires raging around the docking facilities). Of course, before they make it to the dock, the panicky accountant gets eaten by a suddenly-enraged and suddenly-carniverous stegosaurus. Just as they are about to step on the pier, the ex-military head of security senses that "something's not right here - its too easy," and as the group sprints for the seaplane, the head of security is devoured by six velociraptors (who conveniently ignore the rest of the people sprinting for the plane), and Terri uses her piloting skills from back in her days as a Southwest stewardess to fly herself, Steve, and the two kids to safety.

Either way, the Irwins make it off the island - they're experts on animal anatomy and behavior, for chrissakes!!!!!

- Jay in Toledo

Fact; Australian lifeforms have evolved seperately for millenia in a harsh environment developing the most deadly poisons known to man in a competitive environment. 90% of the local fauna drips poison. Steve has survived the worst of this (indeed has actively sought it out and tagged it)

Fact; the Jurassic park dino's operate in a vastly simpler, cooler and dryer ecosystem than what they should be used to, tended by attentive south american indiginous workers. In comparison to what 'wild' dinosaurs should be, these are drugged up hotel guests at a european ski lodge.

Fact; A palentologist managed to survive and the most they deal with is the bones of animals, although some habits are known, how the animal reacts is different. More like the park ranger, Steve has experience with large animals but his experience extends to birds, reptiles, not to mention the living fossil of great white sharks whose design is much older. and unlike the park ranger he won't try to track a known pack hunter in dense foliage.

Fact; Jurassic park's predators are either 1) large and noisy and so easy to avoid or 2)medium, fast and eaten by the large and noisy predators. even if steve is cornered by a raptor, a T-rex will eat it at the last second

Fact; The Raptors were taken out by aliens, since the raptors are gone and the aliens are ineligible to participate in this match the preceding fact is rendered a moot point.

Fact; Jurassic park is much more human friendly than the outback. It has paved roads, jeeps, trak darts, trak bazooka's, anti-tank missiles (from the book), convient bunkers, power plants with electric fences and a fortified visitors center fully equiped with 40 flavors of icecream (we spared no expense). Given these, the lot from survivor 2 would have a chance (not much but one none the less).

Final result; steve shows how to milk a diphilosaur (the spitting one) of venom before moving the T-rex to another enclosure and riding a brontosaurus.

- D.merzel

I've seen the so-called Crocodile Hunter on TV. He rounds up all sorts of reptilians and relocates them. What's he doing? Controlling nature. He will be, as an Australian might say, "tucker".

-Adrian

Croc Dude, for all purposes and effects, is a puny human (TM), and in all genres of science fiction (of which Jurassic Park is part of), puny humans only win when in large numbers, backed by high technology or bad music (As seen in ID4 and Mars Attacks). The Crocodile Hunter has no bad music, no masses of men behind him, and only scanty technology in form of a camera and other stuff-not nearly high enough.

Jurassic Park polished off Eddie Carr, what's Steve Irwin to them? Another snack, that's what.

- Katrover Swatroad

- LT_Ryguy

- tuffy

So lets think about islands. Where would a good home for Jurrasic Park be. England is safe because between English, Irish and Scotish Soccer Hooligans even Raptors look timid. Japan already has King Kong. Crete has the Minotaur. Bermuda has the whole Bermuda Triangle thing going for it. Cuba generally isn't known for welcoming outside businesses though it would be fun to see the raptors get loose, swim to Florida and raid Disney World. Hawaii is too small an island.

Gosh, wouldn't you just know it? Austrialia... What a perfect place to rebuild Jurrasic Park eh? Lots of space, not crowded by too many other monsters or large cities. Good climate. Plenty of wildlife that can fend for itself. Plus the Survivor show is willing to pay for the inital Jurrasic Park setup if a few dinos get loose, track down the Survivors and up the shows ratings. Crikey mate! Guess who just got a home turf advantage?

- ~DoraMouse

- Brian "smarter than your average bear" Wilson

- Keith

- The Deranged Reasoner

Velociraptor: Actually Mr. Irwin, the name is Velociraptor.

Steve Irwin: Crikey! It's a bloody big lizard! Ain't she a beaut, folks?"

Velociraptor: I'm a he, Mr. Irwin. Also, I should point out that scientists have determined that dinosaurs are actually more closely related to birds than reptiles . . .

Steve Irwin: Shhhhh! We don't want to upset the lizard or it might run away. Quiet now, quiet . . . I'm gonna hit 'im with this rolled up newspaper!

Velociraptor: Ouch! Was that really necessary Mr. Irwin?

Steve Irwin: Hmmmm. That didn't quite elicit the sort of excitin' ratings grabbin' reaction I was expecting. I know . . . quiet now, quiet . . . I'm gonna poke 'im in the eye with this twig!

Velociraptor: Ow! I really must protest this treatment Mr . . .

Steve Irwin: Now let's see what happens if I bounce this rock off his head while tryin' to stuff my fist up his rectum . . .

Velociraptor: That's it, I'm calling my agent!

- Don "King" Milliken

- Peter Smith

- Vonce

DIE, YOU CROCODILE-HUNTING STEREOTYPE!

- Galahad

Irwin = Man
JPark = Nature
Nature > Man

Sorry, but it's a walk, or buffet, in the Park.

- Zoelef

Just then, the rest of the raptor pack jumps out and circles the croc hunter. He's about to rip out some Croc Fu(tm), when a T-rex comes along and bites his head off. The raptors feed off his remains shortly after they finish off his wife. The only survivor of the expedition is the cameraman, but not after he gets his leg severely gashed from a run- in with a triceratops. The downfall of the croc hunter will set the stage for the resurrection of the most evil of animal show hosts... Jack Hanna. All hail Lord Hanna and his mighty rein of terror!!!

- evil pop tart

As for the 'small child they find and rescue' that would probably be their daughter, Bindi Sue, who they've brought along on their shoots since she was a week old! By the time she's four, she'll be able to put a raptor in a headlock by herself! And never underestimate the 'protective mother' syndrome. Terri is a tough sheila herself and I wouldn't want to be a T.Rex going after Bindi with her mum around, would you?

- Downwood

FYI, your hospitalization comments directly contradict the Official Crocodile Hunter FAQ™. Remember, being in a hospital <> hospitalized. Must have been out-patient surgeries. -- Eds.

- Vinnie M.

- Mike Leung

- Captain Corcoran

- Twisted Minds 'R Us

Steve: Hello folks! We've got a beaut of a show for you t'day! Me wife Terri & I got the chance of a LIFETIME to go to Jurassic Pahk!
Terri: While it was dangerous, we do have a good deal of footage...

*Fade in entrance to Jurassic Park, where the Irwins are standing.*

Steve: *voiceover* This place was HUMONGOUS! I couldn't believe how accurately the pahk was to the actual habitat of dinosaurs, 65 Million years ago. And I couldn't wait to see the dinos either!
Terri: *voiceover* We spent the first 3 days walking across the island, gathering this footage.

*Typical Croc Hunter stuff, only with dinos. Skip ahead 5 minutes.*

Steve: *voiceover* But then...

*CRASH! Cut to thunderstorm, and power outage.

Steve: *voiceover* Crikey! The cages were unlocked! We were in the visitor's center and surrounded by WILD dinos! What luck!
Terri: *voiceover* We knew a helicopter was on the far side of the island, but we had to wait until daybreak to try for it. Unfortunately...

*CRASH! A raptor jumps through the window onscreen and eyes Steve...hungrily.*

Steve: *onscreen with raptor* Oh boy! A live velociraptor! He's stalking me like prey! Why, I bet 3 of his friends have us surrounded!
Terri: Steve...
Steve: It's okay, love. I'm a herpetologist.

*Steve snaps into action as a nearby crew member secures an upper jaw rope on the raptor. Steve, in turn, throws a blanket over his head.*

Steve: Good! Now he can't see and his jaw is under our control, that should reduce his stress. It is IMPAHRATIVE that while we fight the dinos, we look out for their safe-ACK!

*A raptor leaps onscreen, luckily Steve rolls out of the way as 5 guys from apparently nowhere tackle it.*

Steve: What a close 'un, eh Ter?
Terri: *Curled up in fetal position, crying.* Help me...help me...
Steve: Watch out, love, there'll be more comin', probably from that direction.
Terri: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
Steve: *voiceover* After 5 raptor attacks, 3 spitter encounters, and chasin' down a compy that took the keys to the Jeep, we finally headed out. With our new friend, Obligatory Young Boy!

*Cut to a Jeep rolling down a jungle trail. It's mid afternoon, and quiet. Too quiet...

BOOM! A glass of water ripples from the impact.*

Steve: *onscreen, in Jeep passenger side* Goodness! It's the Tyrannosaurus Rex! King of the Dinos! One bite from him, and this Jeep would be cut in half!

*T-Rex steps onscreen.*

T-Rex: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!
Obligatory Young Boy: I'm scared!
Terri: Me too, Obligatory Young Boy, me too...
Steve: Hey, Bill, fire the Lasso!

*A giant rope on a harpoon-like mechanism shoots from the Jeep, wrapping arount the T-Rex's upper jaw. Another Jeep does the same, and the combined force of the cars pull the 'Rex down. Steve leaps out, no fear, and throws a blanket over his eyes.*

Steve: By crikey, this is the BIGGEST creature I've evah seen, mate!
T-Rex: ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Steve: He's a little agitated...it's okay, you're all right boy. *near bite* Whoa, you're a naughty little boy aren't you? Well, we'll have to turn him back into the wild, but first we'll go on a safe distance, eh?

*Steve climbs back in his Jeep, and the 2 vehicles continue on, giving slack in the rope until eventually jettisoning the ropes from their holders. The T-Rex rises, confused, and marches off.*

Steve: *voiceover* And it was clear sailin' from then on! We made to the helicopter easily, and I can't WAIT for another chance to see those dinos again!
Terri: Stay tuned as we hunt the cowardly and elusive Brendan W. Guy...next!

- Devin The Brendan W. Guy Hunter (Crikey, look at that commentator! He must have dodged me for ovah 2 years!)

They told me that Steve had a B.S. in BS. First off, he lived in the South of Australia, which as any self-respecting crocodile keeper knows, is much colder than the north, thus making the crocodiles he "wrestles" much more sluggish, less agressive, and basically push overs. They then dared Steve to come an wrestle their crocodiles, one of which had killed two trainers, its mate, and every other crocodile in the pen. Needless to say, I don't think he would stand a chance against such a croc.

Now, pit him against the perfect killing machines: Dinosaurs. Fast, agile, semi-intelligent, and with the best sense of smell and sight known in nature. If Irwin could escape from such an island...Then he is God himself.

- Irwin Shmirwin

Yes folks, the LOOK. The look of a man who will tell you stories such as the time he met his future wife while wrestling a several hundred pound croc, and gosh darnit, you believe him. The trademark khaki shorts. The hiking boots. And, most importantly, that constant facial expression of partial dementia and partial smarminess (think David Spade crossed with Paul Hogan on crack) that tells any and all predators, taipan or triceratops alike: "Naw mate, you ain't gonna eat me..." Besides, folks...let's not forget that Stevie is smart enough to heap hordes and hordes of COMPLIMENTS on his quarry. While the T-Rex gazes incessently at itself in a nearby pond after absorbing countless "Ain't she a beaut?" comments, the Aussie makes his escape...

Now if only he's smart enough to leave those gargantuan rectal thermometers at home...

- RoboGoober 98

Dinosaurs tend to bite things.
Steve Irwin tends to get bit.

My choice: The dinosaurs in 2.3 seconds.

- Patton

Need I say more?

- David, Master of Gaming Disaster-I pity the foo, Thugosaurus who tries to take over the world, then goes home cryin in mah stomach.

Fact: Barney is a dinosaur.

Fact: Wesley Crusher came out on top of Barney ("Both mangled and killed" did even better, but that's beside the point.)

Fact: According to some tellings, Steve Irwin kicked Emperor Palpatine's ass, or at least exposed it.

So have we learned about the Grudge Match food chain? Dinosaurs are at the bottom, even below "Star Trek"; but Steve Irwin is at the very top, even above "Star Wars".

Finally, let's consider Rage(tm). It's a handy tool to trot out on occasion, but it's absolutely worthless against a man who regularly gets mauled by animals and still likes his job.

Steve Irwin in about 30 minutes, smiling and loving every minute of it.

- Lou the Inscrutible

- mr. big

Seriously though, folks, we must remember the one of the primary Grudge Match rules: each competitor operates under the laws of their home universe. Let's see how that applies to our current contestants:

STEVE IRWIN:
1. Never, ever meets a life form on camera that couldn't kill a human in five seconds or less.
2. Hasn't yet died on camera (if he dies on camera in the intervening time, moot this argument). He is, after all, the (human) hero of the show.

JURASSIC PARK DINOSAURS:
1. Are usually capable of killing a human in five seconds or less. At least the ones we see are. Even a brontosaurus could stampede and trample a human.
2. Never, ever kill the leads on camera. In fact, since the film has a PG certificate, they can't kill anyone on camera. All we get to see is some thrashing about behind a bush.

Steve might as well kill some Imperial Stormtroopers (see the previous match for details) while he's at it, as long as he's guarded by the cameraman.

- The Nestbeschmutzer

- Sliverthorn

CH: Ahead of us is none other the Mighty T-Rex. This females are the dominant members of their species and this Sheila is no exception. Fortunately for us, she's sleeping right now. Let's get closer to take a look.

CH: Her hearing is quite poor. Who needs good hearing when you're the largest predator on the planet. No body's gonna hunt her [heh heh], but, we'll want to stay down wind from her to avoid her from picking up our scent. She may not have great hearing, but she can smell the scent of her prey a mile away. Poor Buggers.

CH: Her skin is quite tough, and well insulated to keep in the heat need to maintain this massive body. Her short forearms aren't much good anything accept as an anchor for holding herself in place. Clearly the most interesting area lies in her head where her amazing olfactory sence resides.

CH: But my favourite part is her teeth. Bloody hell! Look at the size of these wankers...

No more crocodile hunter.

- Darren

- Caleb Warner

Time. Space. Nature.

None of these things has halted man's quest to obliterate or exploit everything it touches.

But man owes it's very existense to a freak of nature. An asteroid the size of Texas slamming into the Earth and kicking up dust millions of miles around.

This asteroid resulted in the utter destruction of the dominant lifeform on the planet. The dinosaur. The largest, most powerful predator the Earth has ever known.

Large, covered in scales and with teeth the size of a school bus, these beasts ripped each other to peices for millions of years, but with their death came the birth of man and with the birth of man came the death of nature.

But through the miracles of science NATURE CAN HAVE ITS REVENGE!

In one corner THE CROCODILE HUNTER! In the other corner T-REX, VELOCIRAPTOR, PTERODACTYL, TRICEROTOPS and many, many other horned, fanged and otherwise vicious dinosaurs.

That Crocodile Dundee wannabe may have good luck poaching slow moving crocodiles but he aint never tackled nut'n with the speed of a Cheetah and with claws sharper than a straight razor!

He's never taken on a beast with the size of an office building, the T-Rex is a locomotive with teeth.

Now while the Crocodile Hunter may have the blood of a thousand Australian Convicts running through his veins you must remember that in seconds these great beasts of nature will have the Crocodile Hunters blood running through their teeth and down their gullets!

Time to throw another shrimp on the barby! BYE CROC!

- Kenneth E. Carper

In the first, the lawyer died.

If the dinosaurs are capable of killing off one of hell's most evil and disgusting creations, then by all means they'll kill a single, stupid, enviromentalist hippy croc finder.

- Bob McFart

On that basis, the most he'll be able to do is have leg bone used as a toothpick within half an hour. And that is being generous.

- ghost

- He, the Mortal, and the Misery

(Raptor dialogue helpfully translated.)

Growl. [Earl, why does this dumb sumbitch have his head in my mouth?]
"See, he's got a full set of teeth for a 'raptor his size. He's a ripper of a specimen!"
Snarl. [Damned if I know, Buford, wouldn't bite if I were you, don't know where he's been.]
"Now, he could bite me head right off if he felt like it!"
Snort. [AH geez, he smells like a case of Fosters and cheap shrimp. I wish he'd take his head out already.]
"Orright! Wasn't that exciting? Krikey! This place is bonza!"
Hissssssss. [What in the HELL was that about?]

- Ubiq

- ????????????????

- Lopped feet

As we all know, you need kids in Jurassic park that perform a miraculous save when all seems lost. In Jurassic Park, Lex manages to access a state-of-the-art computer and turn the security system back on, locking the raptor out (I'll ignore the fact that it then comes through the window). In The Lost World, Kelly defeats a raptor by herself, using "gymnastics" skills. In JP3, Eric drives off a raptor pack by merely throwing a few gas grenades. Now, Irwin has brought no kids with him. Thus, the miraculous event never occurs, and soon he's finding himself a body short of his normal self.

- Jean

- Valium

- Matty Battie

- GD

1: The dinosaurs at Jurassic Park were initially all female, but there are male dinosaurs. Jeff Goldblum took this to mean that they were trans-gendered, but Sweden (the sex change capitol of the world) is the only country that could handle that large a number of operations. Since the dinosaurs appear to have changed gender in the first movie, but don't get off of the island until the second movie, they cannot have made it to Sweden. Therefore: the dinosaurs at Jurassic Park are transvestites.

2: The dinosaurs are related to crocodiles, and as we learned in The Waterboy: 'Crocodiles are angry 'cause they got all them teeth but no toothbrush.' A corollary to which is: Dinosaurs have many teeth and no toothbrushes. Therefore: dinosaurs have bad teeth.

3: We have already proven that dinosaurs are transvestites with bad teeth. Such a large number of transvestites needing dental care in one place can only mean one thing: The dinosaurs in Jurassic Park are British.

Australia, being a *cough* former British colony, has a history of beating the British, so the Crocodile Hunter wins, hands down.

- Albatross Soup

- masha - on the internet nobody knows you're a dog... shoot

- The Genie

- The Oyster Commitee

We must respect writers, which means respecting the rules they devise to govern the worlds they create. The Jurassic Park world has several notable rules, generally governing who gets eaten and who survives. Steve and Terri are unaffected by the primary rule (Kids may be endangered, but never harmed), but the others guarantee their survival. To wit:

Ecological consciousness bestows immunity. Doctor Alan "Life Will Find A Way" Grant qualified. The girl in the first movie who smugly declared herself to be a vegetarian got double protection this way, which transmuted into her being the one to save everyone in the end. The guy in the second movie whose name thankfully escapes me, and who would make Ralph Nader feel self-conscious, was never in the slightest danger. Steve Irwin, noted conservationist (I read it in Scientific American, so it must be true), will benefit from the same protections.

Carry a gun, and die. Anyone who actually tries to defend himself against the dinos, or worse, goes after them with malice aforethought, is Purina Raptor Chow™. This is lucky for Steve. JP#1 featured a macho Aussie hunter who got devoured messily, so precedent would seem to favor Steve sharing his fate. But you've never seen him with any kind of weapon, or attempting to harm animals in any way (save for annoyances), so he's safe on this score.

Capitalists die, die, die! The only capitalist to survive any of these movies is JP founder John Hammond in #1, and that's only so he can come back contrite and reformed in #2. Anyone else with money in mind gets eaten in a hurry. So why doesn't this affect the Crocodile Hunter, a man with a money-making show named after him? That's easy: he doesn't wear a suit. All Evil Capitalists™ wear suits, so he can't be an Evil Capitalist™.

Steve is therefore as safe as the laws of physics will allow. He can go up and tickle a tyrannosaur's tummy, and all it'll do is roll over and twitch its leg like the family dog. (Though one strong twitch will sadly disembowel the poor cameraman. Must've been wearing a suit.)

It's a hollow victory, though. Taking the lessons from this experience to heart, Irwin sinks into a morass of painfully sensitive political correctness. His audience trickles away, relegating him to the obscurity of co-hosting wildlife benefits with Mike Farrell and Ed Begley Jr.

Hm. Maybe we shouldn't be respecting those Hollywood writers after all.

- Call me Shane

Now if you guys really wanted to challenge Steve, you'd pit him against a Hippo. I'm not kidding, they are seriously scary, and disgusting besides.

- Estrella

There is, and I must make this perfectly clear, NO chance of them getting off the island alive. We let Jeff Goldblum escape and look what happened. He made a movie like Cats & Dogs. I, personally, refuse to let Steve Irwin ever, EVER do another show. Excuse me, but I'm really destroying this keyboard, and there are little furry things that need to be eaten. Grrrrr!!! Snap, screech, roar!!!

- Rob the Aussie-Eatin' Raptor (a.k.a Rob the Turkey)

THE FINAL WORD...

Steve Irwin... Austrailian for lunch

- the Flaberghasted Ferret

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Raptors vs. Aliens
Jacques Cousteau v. Marlin Perkins
John McClane v. The Death Star

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Next Match: The Running Men
ETA: Monday, July 30th, 2001