World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Cape Canaveral, FL (AP) - With the new evidence of Life on Mars (tm) demonstrated by tiny microbes embedded in a meteorite, NASA has made some last minute crew additions on its first manned mission to Mars.

NASA officials have decided that the mission's priority is the discovery of any life on the red planet. Due to the limited amount of testing that can be done during the mission itself, the mission plans to capture any lifeforms that are found, and to return them back to Earth for further study.

The last minute crew changes reflect this philosophy, and have boosted many experts' evaluations of the success of this mission. The first two new members are noted wildlife expert Marlin Perkins and his assistant, Jim Fowler, both known best from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom (tm). These animal biologists have earned a first rate reputation from their experience in Africa.

The second two new crew members add an international flair to the mission. Jacques-Yves Cousteau and his son/assistant Phillippe, noted experts in marine biology and strange oceanic life forms, will also be onboard to try and collect specimens for future analysis.

There is an intense competitive rivalry between the two groups, which NASA hopes will motivate the mission specialists to perform at their best. Vegas oddsmakers are already taking bets as to who will succeed in capturing alien life first.

So Brian, will Marlin or Jacques be the first to bag an alien?

Jacques-Yves Cousteau, The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau Marlin Perkins, Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom

Jacques-Yves Cousteau

vs.

Marlin Perkins

The Commentary

BRIAN: Marlin is so all over this I'm not sure why Jacques is even bothering to tag along. First of all, last time I checked, there are no oceans on Mars. True, Marlin and Jim won't be right at home in the deserts of the red planet, but that terrain is a heck of a lot more like the African Serengheti (tm) then the middle of the South Pacific. While Cousteau is stuck in a dry canyon, wondering why the Calypso II won't go anywhere, Marlin and Jim are already halfway up Olympus Mons in their custom Range Rover (tm).

But more important than this is the simple fact that Cousteau is french. When's the last time the French did anything technologically significant? Other than Pasteurization (tm), what have they given the world aside from fine wine and a place to park your military for a few years? Their scientific ineptitude has been further demonstrated recently by their decision to start nuclear testing once again. Anyone who feels that they still need to prove that nuclear weapons are destructive is obviously too stupid to be allowed to play with them. So in an effort to re-invent the wheel, a nation led by an obscure Warner Brothers (tm) cartoon character decides to alienate the entire world. I think "morons" is too kind a word here.

Perkins, on the other hand, is American. In the spirit of Neil Armstrong, Charles Lindburg, and Arvydas Sabonis, he is a true Trail Blazer (tm).

Oh, there is one other thing that the French are known for, but that could also seriously hurt Cousteau's chances. In the event that the first life-form encountered is Sharon Stone or one of those three-breasted women, I don't think Cousteau would be too quick to report it, if you know what I mean. Meanwhile, Marlin can find some suitable muppet looking fuzzball and be on the front page of every paper on Earth.

STEVE: Marlin is so far out of his league in this one that's it's not even funny. If it doesn't have four legs, he won't know what it is. All you ever see him catch are lions, tigers, elephants, and zebras. He's a one-trick pony, and his trick isn't likely to be found on Mars. Marlin and Jim will probably spend their time joyriding on the Martian surface in their land rover with a hunting rifle looking for big game. Of course, they're not going to find any. Cousteau on the other hand, recognizes bizarre lifeforms all the time, which is exactly what one would expect to find in this situation. "Et voila! A featureless blob! Parfait!" It'll probably take him all of 5 minutes to find something.

Another important factor is the Martian atmosphere. Last time that I checked (this was pre-Total Recall), you're going to need a spacesuit to breathe on Mars. Cousteau is a natural for working in this environment. He's used to Scuba gear, and diving bells, etc. But Marlin's idea of breathing equipment is a medicated inhaler to help his emphysema from years of smoking.

Finally, have you noticed that Jacques sun-wrinkled physique looks remarkably like the martians from Mars Attacks? And if he were to wear a nice glass helmet and a cape, he would look even more so. Finally, his choppy franglais could easily be mistaken for the Martian's native language. If Jacques encounters any of these aliens, he will probably be accepted into their community. It is then a simple matter to bring a lifeform back to Earth, or alternatively, blow up the Earth (it blocks their view of Venus).

No matter how you look at it, Marlin is going to wish he stayed in the life insurance business.

BRIAN: No zebras on Mars? Thanks for the newsflash, Steve. But I'm afraid you fabricate any possible faunal advantage for Jacques. You are wrong in your assertion that large herd animals are all Perkins ever finds. He also find birds, rodents, and, yes, even insects. Not only that, but many of the animals tracked are nocturnal. Clearly, Marlin and Jim will have the skills to find any animal, be it a large beast or a "featureless blob".

Cousteau, however, is completely unprepared. Like I said, there are no oceans on Mars, and he won't know how to look for anything other than a fish or squid or unmoving coral formation. True, if the only life form does turn out to be a featureless blob, then he may have a shot, given all the sea cucumbers he has probably tracked down. Big problem, though: if he does come across a featureless blob, he'll fry it up in a light champagne-basil batter and eat it, mistaking it for escargot or one of the many other featureless blobs that the French consider delicacies. Marlin, being American, knows what's food and what isn't, and will present the find to the NASA cameras.

And I shouldn't need to point this out, but Cousteau will have no supposed scuba/space suit advantage. When's the last time Cousteau ever went down in the water to go after the Bizarre Ocean Freak of the Month (tm)? He never does! He always sends his son down to battle the beast, while he stays safely in the boat, "making sure the croissants do not get too well done" (tm, Richard Jeni). If he ever saw an actual alien, he'd probably pee in said space suit.

Finally, it's pretty clear that ol' Marlin will have a few tricks up his sleeve. First of all, just look at him. Try to tell me this guy won't have a Slim Whitman (tm) album wherever he goes. Thus, if he does ever run across those Mars Attacks! martians, he will be adequately protected. There's even a good chance that music would explode Cousteau's head, nevermind the aliens. Second, Marlin will bring along a cat and release it near Jacques's stranded boat. One would suspect that Jacques would grab the cat, present it to the press, become a laughing stock and then get kicked off the mission team. But Marlin would be one step ahead of you. For he has brought a black cat and painted a white stripe down it's back. Thus, Cousteau reacts as any French person would upon seeing such a sight ("Zut Alors! Un martienne polecat de skunk pew!") and cower in the space ship, allowing Perkins to finish the mission at his leisure.

STEVE: Brian, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks. You accuse Cousteau of never doing his own work? I admit Cousteau doesn't actually dive as much as he used to. But Jacques exudes pure experience, and his merely being topside insures a successful dive. However, Marlin is far, far worse in this category than Jacques. An example: "We watch now as Jim wrestles the crazed cheetah to the ground. Those claws are razor sharp! Oh, it looks as if another cheetah has come to help it's troubled friend. It's a good thing Jim is covered by a Mutual of Omaha life insurance policy." Marlin, of course, won't lift a finger to help him out. That is, if he's even on the scene. He usually just watches Jim's escapades from the comfort of his elegant mahogany-paneled office in Nebraska, taking credit for Jim's work.

And your Slim Whitman remarks show your ignorance of the situation. Do you think Slim Whitman is going to bother someone with the musical heritage of Jacques? It's nothing compared to the music coming from his native land of France. Compare it to a stirring rendition of Alouette played on an accordion. Or to that Euro-trash music (not to be confused with Euro-Sealer(tm) or Euro-Can(tm)) that seems to flow forth from western Europe in neverending quantities.

No, I think you seriously underestimate our friend Jacques -- for he will have a surprise as well. He will take off his red cap and put on a tall white chef's hat. He will then begin to create a fine five course meal in the tradition of the finest restaurants of France. The smell of the cuisine will quickly waft through the thin Martian atmosphere. Any living creature within 100 miles will be drawn to the delicious aroma of his cooking. Then it's just a matter of the lifeform coming to the food. As soon as it eats a piece of that nasty French runny cheese, it will pass out from the horrible taste, and it will be a simple matter for Jacques to put it in a net and ship it back to Earth.

NOTE: Before anyone mentions it, we know Cousteau is dead. So is Perkins. As we've stressed before, that's not important. If you mention it, you will be deleted (unless you get creative, but that's been done before as well).

Thanks to Chris Benjamin for suggesting this match

The Results

Cousteau (1291)

kicks

Perkins (846)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

I've never even seen Marlin TOUCH an animal. He just stands and narrates, and I don't think he really has much idea what's going on. Kind of like Col. Sanders, who would be shot up with a big dose of L-dopa every time Kentucky Fried Chicken wanted to film a commercial. He'd become lucid for twenty seconds; once the drool and shit flow was temporarily stemmed they'd throw him in that white suit and get him to say "finger lickin' good" before he went back into a coma. Marlin is a talking prop.

Jacques, though not perfect, was more like Ronald McDonald. Annoying, condescending, arrogant towards his employees, but at least he would actually touch the crap he was trying to sell you. Jacques would half-heartedly poke the octopus that young Pierre pulled up on deck every episode. It's not much but it puts him out in front.

- Whit Fisher

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner

It isnt actually Marlin or Jacques who does the work, they sit back and provide the narration and name for the show. It is the assistant who is always doing the work. Here Jim has the clear advantage. He is not merely competent, but actually superior to Marlin. Just consider all the times you heard Marlin discribe this seen, "Here my friend Jim faces an uncircumcised Cape Buffalo with only a piece of sharp onyx to provide assitance in bringing me back a foreskin for my collection." (Here the ugly truth comes out, Marlin and Jacques were buddies, just what do you think that ugly hat is on top of Jacques head, a cotton toque? It is a rare gift from his buddy Marlin.)

This is in comparison to Jacques incompetant son. Jacques has a team to prevent Phillipe from ever having to do anything. Recall this classic line from the Undersea World, "Here eez my valont team, scouring zee bottom of zee cee vit dere bare handz. Back here on zee surface in zee boat my son phillipe layz in hiz own vomit after a drunken binge brought on by my disgust wit heem." Here on Mars, Phillipe is on his own, alone, scared, drunk.

After he finds life, Jim will have to go find Phillipe.

Victory Jim, and therefore, Marlin.

- ralph von williams-llama

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner

Any reputable astro-biologist will tell you that at the beginning life, particularly martian life, is really teeny tiny, more like a virus than like a man-eating shark or a siberian jungle cat.

Verdict: A surprise victory by Quincy, redeeming Jack Klugman from his earlier pathetic showing at the Academy Awards.

- RC

Hmmmm............ Jacques Cousteau has made a living of finding/showing/disturbing/pissing off/catching/probably killing all manner of marine life. Marlin = a really big fish. Upon arriving on the Red Planet (tm), Jacques spots the nametag on Perkins' space suit, and proceeds to chase him down, catch him, hang him upside down and get some neat snapshots with his "big one". With no competition, he's bound to stumble upon something eventually. Jacques, in a shade under a decade, returns with some odd alien life form and a new trophy for the wall.

- Adam B.

Cousteau?!?! Give me a break. He's French, and while that may be great for taunting silly English knights, the French are, in the words of another famed WWWF Combatant "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" (tm). At the first sign of alien life on the planet Cousteau will wet his pants and offer his ship as the capital of the new regime. Either that, or he will bring the alien life into the ship to study, and in the proud tradition of Marie Curie die of exposure to the very thing he was studying! Gotta go with Perkins

- KSD

Well, orignally I thought that Marlin had the advantage here, but as I thought through it, I had to give Jacques my vote. Here's why:

1. Nationality: Jacques is French, but he's an ENVIRONMENTALIST Frenchman (tm). This rules out all French nuclear bomb arguments. However, he's probably a bit sneaky and will put sleeping gas in Marlin's oxygen container. Marlin is from the USA(tm). He'll probably squash any new life forms under the wheels of his Range Rover (tm). Marlin 0 Jacques 1.

2. Likely lifeform type: It is almost certainly small, microscopic. Jacques is experienced with plankton. Marlin is experienced with elephants. Which is smaller? I forget, so Marlin wins this round. Jacques 1 Marlin 1.

3. Terrain: Marlin knows deserts, Jacques knows oceans. However, Jacques explores oceans in minature space suits, while marlin explores deserts in, well, not in a space suit. Both will be uncomfortable, but Mars (tm) is IN space, which is more like an ocean, so I'll give this one to Jacques.

4. Crowd support: This trip to Mars(tm) will probably be shown live on TV. I live in Australia, and I've never heard of Marlin before today. However, I've known about Jacques for years. The USA(tm) will cheer for Marlin, but the rest of the world will cheer for Jacques (particularly the Africans, as a revenge(tm) thing). Advantage: Jacques.

Jacques 3, Marlin 1. Not only is this a clear win for Jacques, but because of the aformentioned sleeping gas trick that Jacques will pull, Marlin will never even have a chance.

- Zhirrzh

While Perkins is out looking for some lifeform to exploit (say perhaps by pushing it into a swamp so that he, or rather Jim, might heroically rescue it), Cousteau will put in the time and do his homework. After months of study he will have arrived at a solution which he then puts into action calmly and professionally. Jim seeing a real team at work will finally understand that he has been carrying Marlin's considerable weight all these years. He will defect after giving Marlin a good sound beating. The Cousteau team now has all the manpower and the brains and if there is anything there they will find it.

Unfortunately, the now celebrity inhabitants of Mars, will be assissinated by a multi-corporation hit squad on their return to Earth after they fail (limited as they are by their minute size) to sign over the mineral rights to their planet.

- Robert

Let's face it, if Marlin has Jim, mr. ocean man doesn't stand a chance. Jim will wear out any creature until its out of breath and then Marlin will come in, put his foot on the creatures chest, claim that Mutual of Omaha gave them the proper protection against the beast, and claim victory while Cousteau is talking about the beauty of space as being an endless ocean, completely forgetting why he was on the mission in the first place.

- zorak_

Jodie Foster would be pissed. A manned mission to contact alien life and she's passed up once again. She'd be forced to sit in the observation platform while The Chosen continue their preparations.

*KABLOOEY*

Jacques and Marlin both get wasted by the stereotypical religious extremists. Either that or they make an ill considered stop for supplies on Mir. Regardless, an act of fate leaves both of the explorers...dead. Go figure.

Yes, there was a secret second mission planned. Yes, the Japanese probably own it. No, Jodie Foster doesn't get to go. This isn't Hollywood, but the nitty gritty world where, despite the propaganda one hears on the television, women don't get the opportunities men do. Jodie Foster is pissed once again, asking her timeless question, "Who gets to go?"

The Crocodile Hunter. Have you seen this raving lunatic? What man eating beasts did Jaques and Marlin take down with their bare hands?? If there's life on Mars to be brought back, this boy is stupid enough to try it and lucky enough to pull it off.

Heck, I'd even feel sorry for the aliens.

- The Edge

If it was just Jacques against Marlin, Marlin would lose hands down. All I remember Marlin doing is sitting outside the camper in his safari outfit. But Jim Fowler will turn the tide in Marlin's favor. Jim is almost Mentos cool. Jacques on the other hand had a song written about him by John Denver.

- Terpman

Oh, come on! Cousteau has a techno advantage that isn't even funny. We're talkin' about the guy who invented the AquaLung! What did Perkins ever invent? That lasso thingy on the end of a pole?

Plus Cousteau has a record of collaborating with some pretty major, even legendary, scientists and engineers. He had his underwater strobe lights, his motion-sensitive cameras, his radar before anybody else except the Defense Department and the CIA. Perkins worked for an insurance company. The video cameras were ok, but how much technology do you need to find an elephant?

And Cousteau really had to worry about the weather on the ocean. Now, Mars has those amazing sandstorms that cover a lot of area and last a long time. Cousteau would take 'em seriously and get the hell out of Dodge; Marlin and Jim would get caught outside by one and be uncovered by an archaeological team 500 years from now under 50 feet of sand.

- kat

This match comes down to one simple factor: the ability to accessorize. First of all, Cousteau sports a hat, whereas Perkins allows his head to go uncovered. This makes Cousteau much more prepared for the bitterly cold Martian winters. Let us compare this scenario to the history of those in hats vs. their bare-headed peers. One example quickly jumps to mind: Mike Nesmith of the Monkees. Not only was he the unofficial leader of the group, but he also was the only one intelligent enough to leave the Monkees in the past when the rest of the group started doing reunions. Thus, it would appear that those with covered heads tend to outperform the hat-challenged.

In addition, Cousteau is accustomed to working in the water. It follows, then, that he would be well-aquainted with towels, using them quite frequently. In fact, he probably carries one with him wherever he goes. As Douglas Adams could tell you, a towel is an invaluable tool in space travel; he does not advise beginning such a journey without one. Perkins, however, would leave his towels at home, underestimating their importance.

Let's face it--Cousteau is much better prepared to venture to Mars. He wins by virtue of the Boy Scout(tm) factor.

- Longfellow's wench

Judging by the radio waves that is being sent in outer space each year, by the time the two alien hunters make it to Mars, the Martians would have seen both a Jacques Cousteau documentary and the film that is about the early years of Marlin Perkins, which is also titled Wild America. Upon seeing the latter, the aliens will come to believe that either Marlin or one of his brothers is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and, fearing that he will lead performers who are currently having 15 minutes of fame on Earth to Mars, they will avoid Marlin at all costs. Luckily, one of the aliens will meet up with Cousteau and, after seeing the documentaries that he made, will go back to Earth with him to see what the ocean is really like.

- Joe Klemm

It all boils down to financial backing. Marlin Perkins is backed by the Mutual of Omaha Insurance Group, a multi-million dollar corporation with resources to properly equip him for the expedition. Jacques Cousteau is backed by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which would still be doing on-air pledge drives while Perkins was half-way to Mars.

Plus, Jim Fowler would have Phillipe calling him Mama in a New York minute.

- Richard

The object is to "bag" the alien. This means that Marlin's asssisstant Jim is the man for the job. Sure maybe Marlin isn't bagging much more than corn from his office in nebraska but ol' Jimbo is out there everytime wrestling everthing from aardvarks to zebras (now that doesn't help if they run across some form of zygote, but hey most of the dictionary is covered). And we have even seen him put some of the smaller creatures in a bag.

Unfortunately things are not so rosy for "le francophone", except for the wine perhaps. Jacque is an intrepid explorer but also an ardent conservationist and enviornmentalist, therefore he will adhere to the idea that everything is best left in its natural enviornment. ie "no bagging and tagging" Even the largest government grant won't persuade this man's principles to be swayed. The publicity of the find won't sway him either, he already has the adulation and admiration of thousands around the world.

This is a no-brainer, Marlin through the work of trusty assistant Jim. Poor Jacque is left out in the cold (or hot depending on the planet's rotation

- Bdawg

Let's think about this, here. Why would NASA send Marlin Perkins, anyway? Obviously because of his astronomically large LIFE INSURANCE POLICY from Mutual of Omaha (tm). Our Mr. Marlin is expendable...even if he does find the first "Martian", Marlin just ain't used to dealing with life-forms (just chuckleheading at the video of poor, poor Jim). He'll probably do something stupid and get oxidized. C'est la vie. Jaques will then step up, charm the lovely Martian as only the French can do, and bring the globule home.

- Holly Haines, http://www.hollyhaines.com/

The competition really heats up in the pre-mission stages, with both teams looking to be on top form. Then, just as things are all set to go, someone at NASA notices the reports that the amino-acids found in the meteorites were there as a result of sitting under the antarctic ice for 30,000 years, and the budget-strapped agency, much to everyone's (especially the bookmakers') chagrin, calls off the mission. Technically, then, a draw.

- Marcus

Brian and Steve seem caught up in trashing the French . . . I must say that if nationality plays any part in Cousteau's success over Marlin, it will be for simply one reason . . . truffle pigs. Those pigs can smell a mushroom despite any amount of rot or decay that may mask the pleasant mushroom odor from other tracking animals. I'm sorry, but Marlin just can't compete with a pig. Go France!

- Meg Brown

This reminded me a little of Tarzan vs. Aquaman, because I think it'll depend on whom the *animals* are more likely to come to. Unless Jacque plans on catching sharks, the animals aren't likely to come to him as quickly. The animals are more likely to come to Marlin, because he looks for ones, like lions and tigers, and zebras, oh my! (well, hey, they don't have bears in Africa, all right?!) They are less afraid of him because they consider him to be possible food. (Or his assistant to be possible food.)

So, the question remains, which kind are on Mars? It won't matter. A fellow named Dr. Smith will stow away, wanting to go along, and accidentally send the spaceship way off course, until it lands on some unchartered planet. Strange aliens who thin k both would be good food (well, think all 3 would be) come along and chase them all around. However, Jacques, without the experience of having animals try to turn him into their dinner, will perish, while Marlin, who has evaded those huge lions, etc. wi th the ferocious appetites, eludes them. Of course, as long as Dr. Smith is around, he'll never made it back home, but he will win by default.

- Doug Fowler

The Mars Rover aside, interplanetary travel isn't cheap. You've got to look at the backing here. Perkins has Mutual of Omaha, a two-bit insurance scam from a one-horse town. They didn't even have the money to send Perkins out of the office most of the time. Instead, Jim had to fly to Kenya on stand-by tickets or work his way to Australia on a cargo ship.

Jacques, on the other hand, has both PBS and the National Geographic Society behind him. If PBS can blow more than $10 mil on an 18-hour history of baseball, Prekins is already outclassed by a factor of ten. Let's not forget corporate sponsorships. Through PBS, Jacques will have ADM (Supermarket to the World), Boeing, Lockheed Martin, Rockwell International, the Pew Charitable Trusts and viewers like you behind him. As for National Geographic, they're one of the largest membership organizations in America. Sure, Jacques is French. But with National Geographic, he'll have the American people behind him. And when was the last time America backed a loser? What's Perkins got? Nebraska?

Like Chuck Yeager never figured out in The Right Stuff, whoever has the bucks gets the toys. It takes them toys to get to Mars. Jacques will ride in style, with Bill Moyers along for conversation and Ken Burns filming every moment. Perkins, I'm sad to say, will be lucky if he can hitch a ride to Mir.

- R S Rogers

Wake up! Say for instance Ol' Frenchie is trodding around Mars, stumbling over Scooby Doo(tm), Barnacle Bill(tm), and the rest of those amazing rocks, and comes face to face with a real live martian. Once the Martian attempts to communicate, Jaucque first words will be, as all French do when confronted with an adversary:

"WE SURRENDER!"

- Derek

En now, we see as my son goes forth with only a small needle in order to tag the odd martian squid. Now, watch as he is grabbed by the martian beast, tied into a pretzel hold, and punted into my opponents. As they try to rest him off, I have given the s ignal, and my people are pumping the beast full of tranquilizer. So, in an act so unlike the history of my people, I have won this contest.

- Jaques-Yves Somethingorother

We've all seen Mars Attacks, and at least one of a number of War Of The Worlds remakes, and we've even seen Bugs Bunny in action, so we know that Martians are universally nasty bastards who want to conquer Earth and eat everyone. Fortunately for both contenders, they've had past experience with nasty fauna. Jaqcue-Cousteou will have an industrial strength shark cage with Heat Ray deflectors so that he won't be at risk, and Marlin will pack an industrial grade elephant gun. Initially, this will mean that both have fair chances of survival, but then the movie cliches come in. We all know that the impenetrable fortress is the first place to go. Look at Independance Day when they took out the Vice President. That goddamn mountain can withstand nuclear blasts, yet they still wiped it off the map. So Jacque's gone. And we also know that conventional Earth weaponry can't deal with extra-terrestrial armies of doom, so after a few potshots, the aliens will close in and eat Marlin alive. So that's both of them down in the event of a hostile first contact.

So let's look at things. Neither of them can deal with it alone, but they might manage by pooling their resources. Alas, they are both from countries full of arrogant dipsticks, and will be too stubborn to do so. Therefore, the answer is to wipe out the competition and use his resources to deal with the aliens. Unfortunately for Jacques, he forgot to bring a gun, whereas our intrepid explorer of the African unknown is generally pretty well armed. A quick "accidental discharge" later, and Marlin Perkins now has access to everything he needs to bag a pesky alien. And of course, he will actually survive his run in with the little green men, as the third law of sci-fi states that there must always be at least one survivor no matter how lethal the aliens are.

- Rallan

Well, I feel that the outcome is obvious. Mr. Perkins as we can all see resembles Walt Disney to a remarkable degree which is probably what most little kids would have thought themselves. Now imagine being in Marlin's shoes, having to disappoint thousands of hopeful eyed chldren in his years by telling them 'No, I'm not Walt.' Can you feel the pain he must have felt every time as those innocent eyes turned to deep wells of cynicism as the realities of life are piled upon such young shoulders? Well? Of course not. It's not as if everybody goes through his or her life stripping away all childhood optimism. So, obviously, all this pent up pain will manifest itself when Marlin hears Jacques kiddie voice and Marlin will snap.

- Vlad the Impailer

Neither will win. A simple conversation among the astronauts explains why:

"OK, boys, we can either take crotchety old man #1, crotchety old man #2, or JOAN EMBRY from the San Diego Zoo!!!"

"JOAN!!!JOAN!!!JOAN!!!"

"Are you sure, guys? You of course know that the hybrid odor of Ben-Gay and Depends adult diapers has been known to increase the longevity of Oxygen supplies due to all breathing organisms within 100 meters having to hold their breath..."

"Sir, do you want to listen to endless stories about the Indian Ocean and how lazy "kids today" are? We'll be jumping out of the airlock before we pass the Moon!!!"
"Yeah!! Besides, Joan has breasts!"

".....Good point, boys."

- Budo

I voted for Jacques Cousteau because of a True Event (tm) from a few years ago while he was still alive...
Yes it's true Jacques didn't do any of his own work for many years aboard the Calypso (tm), relying on his progeny to dive for his dinner oysters and the odd bizzare ocean freak (tm). In this case, Marlin Perkins never had a chance because Jacques brought the ultimate force at his disposal to Mars.
LAWYERS!
A few years ago, the lawyers of the Cousteau Society were going to sue the shit out of the internationally known icon of Sonoma County, California; Clo the Cow (tm) for making an appearence on a billboard for Marine World disguised as "Jacques Cowsteau." Someone driving by who couldn't see the pun for the ocean told the Cousteau Society about it, and they scrambled their legal team to combat this highly subversive affront to their employer, citing something about "not lending the good strong French name of 'Jacques Cousteau' to commercial ventures."
As we all know, lawyers are the scum of the earth next to Republicans, but when a highly paid (or at least a well-fed) legal squad threatens a lawsuit against A COW...
Needless to say, Cousteau brought along his lawyers from the Calypso Society who then proceeded to shut poor Marlin down for letting his Mutual of Omaha insurance policy lapse, thereby sealing the fate of Marlin's dear friend Jim, who was fatally injured by the razor- sharp claws of a crazed Martian cheetah.

- Rokit 88

Marlin Perkins was dead long before he ever "died". Why do you think he never left the studio? Because he didn't want to go too far after coming out of cryo-sleep for that week. He'd pop out of his cold-chamber, blather on for a bit while Jim was getting lacerated by some strange breed of falcon, plug Mutual of Omaha a few dozen times, and slide back into his icy paradise for another week. On the other hand, Cousteau walks the walk and talks the talk. He was diving when he was, like, three or something. He invented dozens of diving gadgets and gizmoes. (When did Marlin Perkins ever invent anything? Even his cryochamber was invented by Walt Disney.) Jacques singlehandedly *invented* the idea of undersea exploration.

So it's easy to see who wins. Traveling along the surface of Mars, Jacques will discover life after a couple of months--and convince it to go scuba-diving, no less--while poor Marlin Perkins will shatter in a rain of icy shards when he trips over a rock w ith a cutesy name like "Brainy Smurf".

- Chris Bird

Mission To Mars. A bon voyage to the great unknown. To seek out that new species of life and never violate it. And don't tell me Marlin Perkins hasn't done his share of violating. Young antelopes, Jim, occassionaly giraffes... he tried an elephant once but... but I digress. I hate the french as much as any red-blooded american out there,yet must concede something to old Jaques. First cool last name from the Paratwa trilogy, Coustea Pirates. Obscure, but... telling. Second, an ability to find weird things. Lions, (shrug), Antelopes,(puhleeese), Giant glow in the dark tentacled fish with bigger teeth than Nancy Kerrigan..whoooaaaaa baby.
So...JACQUES with the big find.

To Infinity and around the corner.

- Jonny Rico

Marlin Perkins will win. He always got Jim Fowler to do the real dirty work. While Jim, nattily attired in a bush jacket and a pith helmet, is kicking Jacques' sorry French ass, ol' Marlin will be back on Earth watching the whole thing through a telescope from the balcony of the Nairobi Hilton, and drinking tequila shooters. Naturally, before the expedition, Marlin will have taken out a hefty Mutual of Omaha life insurance policy on Jim, just in case Cousteau should manage to get the upper hand. . . .

- Deacon

You know, most of the different types of life on the earth arose from the oceans, and a majority still reside there. As such, Jacques probably has a strong advantage in the variety of life department. But that really doesn't matter nearly as much as the simple Cunning Factor (TM). Quite simply, Marlin is a chump. Heck, his name is a fish, and I'm sure Jacques has fried a few, if ya know what I mean. As you mentioned, Marlin is having a bit of trouble from all those years spent smoking cigarettes, and needs his depleted, tar-filled lungs to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Jacques is used to rebreathing equipment, and will adjust the oxygen levels on Marlin's suit to a dangerously high level. Then, like the true predator, he'll sit back and wait for the nicotine to do its job. Sooner or later, Perkins is gonna go for the cancer stick, he can't help it! Everyone can imagine the true delight on Jacques face, as he calmly watches Marlin prepare to light up the sky. Quietly, as Marlin strikes his match, Jacques can be heard to whisper "Zee hapless Marlin-fish iz zweeming clo-sair and clo-sair to destruction." Since Marlin was the brains of the duo and Jim was the brawn, it shouldn't take much work for Jacques to enlist Jim as their "guide." Then he just kicks back with Philippe and waits for Jim to be killed by one of the native species and "Blammo!" we have life on Mars.

- Cornboy, Texas A&M University

Gotta go with the French Dude(tm). First off, the French NEED this win. As mentioned before, the French haven't done anything since Nepolean so they will have the Rage(tm) factor, in a similar fashion to the Broncos of SuperBowl XXXII. (i.e. they know they sucked before and they need a big win to show that they don't.) The Americans on the other hand don't really care. As far as they're concerned, Mars is old news. They got the Mars Probe there, checked it out, made the headlines already, and so they just arn't into this competition.

The second reason is a little more technical. Mars at one time many millions of years ago actually did have oceans. There is tons of evidence of huge planet wide floods. What this means is that Jack will definately be closer to his element. Although he's a few millions years late he will know what he's lookin' at. . .ocean floor.

Result: French team, lead by Jack, is shown pointing to an ancient fossilized microscopic blob from Mars while the American team led by David Hasselhoff lands on Pluto and begins an intergalactic relationship with the Kzer-Za leading to the anniliation of all human kind.

- Paul Rulis

What is Mutual of Omaha if not a tiny organism in a barren, desolate land virtually devoid of life? Perkins has already bagged that, so Mars should be a breeze in comparison.

- Bret Bloomquist

Oh my God, I'm sorry but it seems a little obvious to me who will be VOTED the winner of this match. Who reads this site the most? The Americans, what does the conflict come down to? Nationality, most people don't actually know jack-all about either contendant, they just won't be able to stand voting for a non-American. I swear if the conflict between "The Death Star" and "The Enterprise" was slightly different, with The Emperor Napoleon and Darth Jean Paul Vader running the Death Star versus Captain all American Buck Lonestar of the Enterprise then the land-slide would have been the other way round.

To be fair, nobody likes the French, except maybe Poland, they're universally hated, I don't know a single person in the cinema who didn't laugh at the Eiffel Tower being blown up in "Mars Attacks". If "Independance Day" wasn't Obviouslly so pro-American ("The Americans can bring down the shield, can they do that, by golly") It would have the entire Alien Fleet attack France at the out-set, even Aliens hate the French...

As a Brit, I can't stand the French as much as most, I'd rather hang round the Germans who we've fought in two world wars and continually beat us at football (B*******). However I Voted for the Frog so at least one person votes for him. After all, at least the French don't turn up four years late to wars and take all the credit.

- Napoleon

The winner is: None of the above, since Marty Stouffer came and took all the Martians back to Idaho to incorporate them into his latest Wild America (tm) video, (produced with funding from Fox (tm)), "The Worlds Most Incredible Animal Attacks That Just Ha ppen To Take Place In The Middle Of Scary Police Chases/Shootouts VIII."

Order now, and get "Wacky Babies" absolutely free and at no extra cost!

- Jak the Duck

Right as Cousteau and Perkins discover life on Mars, a hideous tune emerges from the television set in their respective spacecrafts... da da da DA da...da da da DA da da DA da da... Both men look at each other, then run to their televisions. "No!" gasps Perkins "It cannot be!" Water Boy turns pale, muttering "Zis iz not fair!" and slumps to the ground. Onscreen, the yellow symbol for National Geographic confirms each man's fear. There, in glorious technicolor, are the Martian Natives, performing their ritual fertility dance as the NG cameras roll. Once again, they are beaten by the show whose theme song you can easily play on a touch-tone telephone.

- Megan from RI

As a long time watcher of both PBS and the Discovery Channel (I'm not using my real name, I'd hate it if my friends found out!) I have experience with the styles of both of these reputed animal life hunters. The edge obviously goes to Cousteau with his undersea experience. NASA even uses underwater training for astronauts. The low G, low oxygen environment of Mars is much closer to the deep sea environment Cousteau and his team is accustomed to. Now to the real point of the argument, the key to the contest is the team. Both commentators mentioned that neither Cousteau nor Perkins has done any actual field work in some time. They'll both stay on the mothership while their kroneys do the actual work, while they monitor things from above. Both Perkins and Cousteau have ample experience in this area, be it from a boat or a comfortable office. What it comes down to is that Phillip, with his underwater experience and scientific background has all the advantages. He'd never end up in a fight with a shark or something, much less a Martian amoeba. The commentary about Jim fighting cheetahs shows his true colors. He is a hunter not a scientist. As a result, Phillip may not find the aliens first, but his scientific inclination will insure that he saves the aliens for research, while Jim's hunter instincts may enable him to find the aliens, he will have little regard for the purpose of the mission, and this will be his undoing.

- The Silent One

The key factor in this match is hygiene. The French are worse in this category than any nation that doesn't have to import all its water. (French water is another sordid topic entirely.) Remember, these are the people who invented the bidet so they could get away with washing half their bodies. In the cramped confines of an interplanetary expedition, bad will get worse.

No, Jacques won't win by asphyxiating Marlin with his stench. He'll win by mutation.

There won't be any life on Mars when they arrive -- that meteorite was over three *billion* years old -- but that will change. Mars' atmosphere filters virtually no solar radiation. One little microbe carried on Jacques' crusty hide will get hit by a gamma ray, and begin changing ...

Nobody will know this as the explorers dejectedly return to Earth with empty nets. The only warning sign will come during reentry, as Jacques clutches his stomach. He and Marlin assume it's the last of the tinned escargot, until something bursts through his abdomen and -- well, you've seen the movie.

The creature is technically native to Mars, and Jacques does bring it back, so victory goes to Cousteau. Granted, most of Earth's population is eviscerated by the beast and its progeny, but you weren't really concerned about them, now were you?

- Call me Shane

Well, I voted for Perkins cause when I was but a mere tyke, everytime I went to my grandparent's house - day or night - they had Mutual of Omaha on. That's gotta be some power on Perkins' part. but in reality, I think they'll both die. Why?

"Ze must beautiful creetures of ze alien wurld are often ze most deadly."

- Jophiel

While cousteuo was born in france, he is a resident of monaco. The calypso II is the only science research vessel equipped with a casino. Clousteuo sank the calypso I when he parked it over a pile in singapore at high tide. Tide goes out, ship turns tu rtle. Not very inspiring. I think he and his son got into scuba just to impress chicks. I seem to recall perkins did go on safari once. He was wrestling a giant snake at the water hole. perkins almost became a meal. Jim had to go save his sorry wrin kled ass. Perkins was looking a lot like a drowned rat, and never went on safari again. Now jim is a real dynamo. He saves condors, he tags cheetahs, he even films sharks underwater. Land, sea, or air, jim is the man. While jackque and Phileepaye are playing blackjack with the rest of the crew, and perkins is at the comms console keeping houston apprised of the safari and the latest insurance options, jim will be exploring the great canal or spelunking the polar ice caves. Ultimately he will wrestle the giant martian snow yeti back to the landing craft. Unfortunately, clousteuo parked the orbiter in the path of Phobos, and all is lost. (just as an aside at the risk of being deleted, while perkins may be dead, he was dead during the entire wild kingd om show, and this did not seem to hamper him a bit. Cousteuo probably faked his death to collect enough life insurance to finance the calypso II.) Anyway, victory for the perkins-fowler team.

- jeff

I have to side with the pro-Marlin contingent on this one. Sure, he always sends Jim out to subdue the blood-crazed, 1,000-pound junglecat while relaxing in the comfort of a hut somewhere with a nubile young maiden and a margarita. Which only emphasizes t he Marlster's skills as a master strategist. By the time this eight-limbed Martian beastie is through devouring Jim, it will be too exhausted and lethargic to put up much of a fight. From there, it's a simple task for Marlin to swoop in on his NASA-custom ized Landrover and drop a net on it. Jaques, like all true Frenchman, will be cowering under a table somewhere waiting for the Americans' to save his wrinkled pelegiac ass. There's no doubt -- this one goes to Monsieur (sic?) Perkins.

- jimmy b.

Much as I hate to admit it Marlin is going to clean up on this one. When was the last time you saw Monsieur Cousteau remove any creature from its native habitat? I tell you when, NEVER! Marlin on the other hand would shoot his own mother with a tranquilizer dart just to see how long it takes Jim to hogtie and stuff her in a cage! I can't remember one single episode of Wild Kingdom where some poor animal wasn't drugged and tied up so they could get a better look at it. Oh sure Jacques would return with hundreds of hours of narrated film footage but that's not what NASA wants. They want a specimen. So for the first one to bring home a woozie trussed up alien it's got to be Marlin.

- Bobo The Poison Monkey

Of course Jacques will win, c'est une evidence! And I just have to answer some of Brian's no-brainer points to prove it:

> Perkins, on the other hand, is American. In the spirit of
> Neil Armstrong, Charles Lindburg, and Arvydas Sabonis;

Well, I'm sorry, but then Jacques is French; in the spirit of Blaise Pascal, Rene Descartes, Louis Cauchy, Louis Bleriot, les freres Lumiere, Louis Pasteur, Pierre et Marie Curie...!! Brian might have to re read the Physics Nobel Price list, if he thinks french haven't done much for science. And next time you go see a hollywood movie about Mars, ask yourself who invented the Cinema!

> In the event that the first life-form encountered is
> Sharon Stone or one of those three-breasted women,
> I don't think Cousteau would be too quick to report it,
> if you know what I mean.

Yeah, as if americans could give lessons on this topic, nowadays! If Marlin found a life form, it better have no mouth, or the discovery might remain hidden a couple years under the President's table, if you know what I mean! ;-)

- Cyril.

The Martian Lander(tm) touches down on the red planet and, being the zoological Thomas Edisons that they are, Marlin and Jacques send their lieutenants out onto the Martian terrain equipped with complete communications gear the better to narrate from the comfort of the Lander(tm). Phillipe points his Martian Gyro-Copter(MGC) for the polar ice cap on the theory that water, liquid or otherwise, has the best chance of yielding lifeforms for study, while "Jungle" Jim Fowler drives his rover to the nearest "canal."

Things look bad for the Cousteau team when Philippe, in an unintentional and tragic replay of history, smashes his MGC into Olympus Mons.

When Fowler, Cousteau and a truly reluctant Perkins arrive at the scene, Jacques dutifully mourns the loss of his son but sees an opportunity and takes Fowler aside and tempts him away from Marlin with the prize of a full hour in prime time and full National Geographic funding. The two convince Perkins that the polar cap is the place to go and, using Cousteau's expertise in developing exploration gear, the three devise an ultra-heated environment suit for Jim to use while exploring the crevasses of the polar ice.

Sensing Perkins' sulking discontent, the cagey Frenchman exhibits some of the talent that won him his Legion D'Honour and orders NASA to send a lab animal to their location. Warner Brothers Studios (you opened the door Brian) is consulted for rapid delivery purposes.

Soon after sending the request, an animated shuttle arrives with none other than Bugs Bunny aboard. Not hindered by the laws of physics (he never studied law) Bugs proceeds to mistake the name Marlin for Marvin and wreaks Bunny Fu upon the hapless Perkins as Fowler and Cousteau retreive the first delicate sample of extra-terrestrial life; a Martian Ice Snail.

Back at the Lander(tm), Cousteau and Fowler enjoy the Kudos from the scientific community via satellite as they dine on Escargot Polaris Martianus (hey, so they harvested more than one sample!)

Marlin Perkins OTOH returns to the Lander somewhat the worse for wear, mumbling about Scwewy Martian Wabbits. Upon return to Earth he publishes a paper on his encounter and retires in disgrace.

Cousteau off the mountain, past the canal, over the pole... nuthin' but net.

- Les "Now it's in YOUR head"

At the risk of being deleted and thus losing out on thousands of dollars in cash prizes, I am going to point out the obvious; both of these men are dead. The reason this is pertinent is that anyone who has seen the two programs knows that Marlin Perkins has had a lifetime of experience being dead. This first became obvious in the Wild Kingdom(tm) episode in which Marlin helped the locals wrestle a 90 foot anaconda out of the river. "You take the tail, Marlin. (snicker, snicker)" The similarities between the ensuing action and the scene in Weekend at Bernies(tm) in which the boys take Bernie water skiing are not, I think, accidental.

When it comes to dead men walking and exploring distant worlds, experience is an unbeatable edge. Poor Jacques is in over his head.

- the baron

The scene: Mons Olympus, Mars

The small lander from the Mars Conestoga touchs the ruddy ground, and four spacesuited figures emerge from it.

"My! Wasn't the ride down exciting!" Marlin explains.

"Oui, oui," Jacques agrees. "Eet was most ex-hil-air-ate-eeng. Ooh, now, see the byooteful landscape, the magneefeecent desolation. Thees ees ze land of Mars, Greek God of War, yet mankind have come heere een peace...."

[Round one: Cousteau 1, Perkins 0. Nobody can give a soliliquy like Jacques.]

They go their separate ways, Marlin and Jim taking a rover north while Jacques and Phillippe travel around Candor Chasma. Let's go take a look at their first encounter with the vicious Martian alligator wolf, already in progress....

Marlin and Jim ride in the rover, looking out accross the landscape. They stop and go over to examine some tracks. Let's listen to Marlin's commentary:

"We're going accross the plains now! It's quite a sight, but it looks dead! But all is not as it looks on the Martian landscape!"

Jim: "Uh, Marlin, don't say things like that, you're scaring me."

"Why, look what our expedition has found!" He stops the rover, and both of them step out and walk over to the tracks. "We've found tracks! Large ones, as well! Jim is measuring the tracks, and with the expedition's computer we will try to determine just how big this animal is!"

Jim looks at the computer's result, and clicks the safety off his rifle, looking around warilly and wishing he'd brought a LAW.

"So, Jim, how big is it?"
"It's big, Marlin."

With a shriek and a howl (and some sounds that maybe it's best not to explain) the Martian alligator wolf bounds over some rocks and tries pouncing Jim!

"We've found life on Mars! Jim is now trying to defend himself from the creature's vicious attacks! We seem to have been travelling in it's hunting ground! Jim attempts to wrestle a radio tag onto it -- don't worry, Jim, we've got Mutual of Omaha(tm) on our side! They'll cover the cost of a new leg! Jim looks like he's got his second wind, and now the animal and he are starin each other down... suddenly it poces again, but Jim's ready for it--!

Meanwhile, in Candor Chasma:

"See de byooteeful walls, etched ere untld millenia agoo... Phillippe, I thirst."
"Oui, oui! Sacre bleu, est there no -water- ere!"
"I shall get ze wine from ze pack... Oh, stop ze carre!"
The rover stops, and the two oceanographers step out and look down at the alligator wolf's prints.

"Here ve have evidence' of life on Mars, ze first tracks zeen by Man. Here on ze ancient surface of ze planet."

The alligator wolf jumps out from behind a rock with a woof and a yowl (and still more noises that it's best you don't try to repeat for your eighty-year-old grandmother.)

Phillippe gasps, "Father! Est ze creature oo made zee tracks! I shall get ze gun--!"

"Non, Phillippe. Man shall come to zis planet vith rezpect for ze native life... Ve vill not come to rape an pillage zis wolrd as ve did ze Moth-air Earth. Ere we see before us... a creature of zee Martian land, living until now vith no fear of hu-man-et-ie...."

[Round Two: Cousteau 1, Perkins 1. Marlin perkins could give an exciting play-by-play recount of anything. He might even be good enough for WWWF, but that's for when -- and if -- he returns to Earth.]

IN all, the alligator wolf is lulled to sleep by Cousteaus' talking, and the French put it ito a special cage 'based on ze world-famouse aqualung' which, of course, Cousteau invented, and bring their prize back to Earth. Marlin and Jim have to settle for radiotagging their alligator wolf.

In all, Cousteau 2 Perkins 1. Cousteau wins by a hair and goes on to make another full season of National Geographic specials, while Perkins and Jim continue to try to capture a live animal from Mars.

- Caraig

I'm sorry but Marlin Perkins has no shot. Every time I hear that name I think of Opus the Penguin of the Bloom County comic strip. Investigative reporter Milo Bloom and Opus went in search of the elusive Basselope, a beast half Basset Hound, half Antelope and as dangerous as a warm bath. Opus couldn't handle the stress and thought he was Marlin Perkins.

Now for those who don't know, Opus is the ultimate wimp. He wanted the United States to surrender to the Communists. He's so naive that he thought Greenpeace was a cruise line service. He played a tuba in heavy metal group for goodness sake. The bird is not only a wimp, he is the ARCHWIMP(tm). And for him to think of Marlin Perkins as a hero makes Mr. Perkins a wimp by association. A Wimp Hero(tm) perhaps, but still a wimp.

- Paul Golba

Boys, boys, you've missed it completely. The press, sent along to record the findings of this momentous mission, are the clear winners -- pictures will stream back to Earth of Cousteau in a compromising position with the cabin-boy, while hidden live-cams will catch Marlin crouching behind a hill, throwing live Martian Lemmings over the clifftop while Jim records their 'unusual migration patterns' below. Both men will be particle-beamed back to America and forced to double-date with Monica Lewinski and Linda Tripp.

- Mark Smith, Whitehorse, Yukon (Canada)

Marlin Perkins floors his Mars Rover towards the shuttle. He's got a Mac (from Mac and Me) under his antiquated arm, and is hoping to beat the unwashed Frenchman to the camera to report his findings. As he beats the Mac thing into submission to stop its squirming, he sees the other Rover already parked by the ship. He rushes inside, muppet in hand, to see, to his horror, Cousteau showing the camera the pulsating pod from the 1996 straight-to-video waste of film Lifeform (which no one ever watches unless they mistake it for Lifeforce at the video store.)

Horrified at coming up second, Perkins takes the helmet off his suit and prepares for a Ronny Cox. But as his spindly hand tries its best to grip the door outside, he remembers a crucial bit of information: Jacques Cousteau is dead.

"Imposter!" he yells as he rips the fleshy mask off the Cousteau- looking thing. A strange face looks back at Perkins: Carl Sagan.

"Hey, you're dead, too!" Perkins yells, ripping off the second mask, and finding Gene Roddenberry underneath. He continues to take the masks off, throwing away L. Ron Hubbarb, Werner Von Braun, Randy Meeks, Woodrow Wilson and the dead Bee-Gee before finding the true face of his companion.

Joe Piscopo.

"Who the hell are you?" Perkins asked. "What are you doing here?"

"I was bored. I've been eating Chevy Chases at the Five Timer's Club and collecting my $35 royalty checks from GNC the past 11 years.. I figured I could go in space."

At this point Perkins launches the shuttle, reenters space, makes a small hole in the window, and sucks Piscopo out chunk by bloody chunk. He takes the remaining face chunk and feeds it to Mac.

- Kilgore Trout

"Kneel before our King, slimy airbreathers!" barked one of the Martian guards as they neared the empty, ornate, zebra-skin-upholstered throne. "Slimy airbreathers?" muttered another guard. "Sorry, I've always wanted to say that" replied his comrade. The C aptain didn't have time to shush them, however, for it was then that footsteps were heard coming down a side corridor to the right, and the guards knelt quickly in humble respect for their King. As he entered regally, strategically placed speakers pumped out the royal fanfare, the opening horn riffs from "That's Alright, Mama". The feeling that they had been transported to Las Vegas in the early 70's was reinforced by the white sequined jumpsuit, which enclosed a form returned to slenderness. His voice dr ipped with Southern drawl and curiosity just as readily as the butter dripped from his left hand, which held a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwich.

"Who have y'all brought before me today, Captain Zleeg?"

"Those who you knew were coming, O Swivel-hipped One. They landed at the monument we carved to you, just as you predicted they would. The capture was child's play; the Frenchmen surrendered on sight, and the American's tranquilizer rifles were no defense against the karate moves you taught us. Private Zerhj is still a little groggy from that one dart, but he should be just fine."

"Very Good Captain. Thanka, thanka veramuch. Ah don't know why NASA thought they could violate our deal", Elvis drawled, turning his gaze to the imprisoned explorers. "And worst of all, they send some gutless frogs up here, like you American boys needed t he help! But I'll tell you what, I'm willing to be nice about this, since I liked y'all's TV shows. Here's the deal Ahm willin' to give y'all�"

So here are the results�In a few months you will see a new chain of "Jungle Room" fast food restaurants spring up all over the U.S. and France, featuring a menu of the King's favorite delicacies (such as beer-marinated hog jowls dipped in white chocolate) , rendered fat and cholesterol free by advanced Martian technology. Conspiracy theorists will point out the fact that the upper management of the company is secret, and believe it to be a UN plot to soften us up for world domination, but the undiscovered reality (that two supposedly dead celebrity explorers are running it from a secret command center in Jackson Hole) is even more shocking. NASA sends no more secret collection missions to Mars, since Elvis told them that it's not his fault that they let Ro seanne Barr escape, and they can't have any more specimens. Also, If you analyze any radio or TV transmission involving the Spice Girls, you'll find that it contains a strange piggyback signal. This signal prevents Martian electronic devices from processi ng the information; thereby stopping the epidemic of Spice Girl induced psychosis among Martians who accidentally tuned in at the wrong time, which is why Elvis deported them to Earth in the first place. Elvis ain't taking them back, but if NASA wants to send Dennis Rodman back, that's OK, he makes great pork rind and chicken fried steak casserole.

- Silverback- Rambette's Hunka-Hunka Burnin' Love

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Bill Nye v. Beakman
Waldo v. Carmen Sandiego
Men in Black v. Mork