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It's moving day at the Wainwright household. The former CEO of Pets.com has just taken a job at a Denny's (TM) in South Dakota. Julie lets out a long sigh after placing the last of the boxes into the van. She turns around to find her daughter dragging their dog Muffin by a leash. "Mommy... muffy's sad..." She begins to cry. "Muffy used to be happy when Sock Puppet was around... can't you bring him back, Mommy? PLEEEASSE??" "I'll try, sweetie. Now you run along and say good bye to your friends." Julie pulls a small shoe box from the moving van and glances toward the hill overlooking her house. That crazy old man across the street told her not to do the very thing she was planning on now, but she couldn't stand to see that look of sadness on her daughter's face. It takes her about half an hour to wind her way through the Pet Semetary. She passes by the graves of Benji, Mr. Ed, and several Lassies. She claws her way up the hill and is amazed to find another woman standing in the center of the ruin. "Excuse me, who are you, and is this going to take all day? I have to resurrect Sock Puppet for my daughter." "My name is Mallory Lewis, daughter of the greatest entertainer ever! And don't worry, we can resurrect both of our animals at the same time." "Multi-tasking, cool. So, you're Jerry Lee Lewis' kid?" "No! I'm the daughter of Shari Lewis... you know... Lamb Chop?" The woman holds up a raggedy looking, lifeless sock puppet with floppy ears. A mere two hours later the puppets awake from their respective Eternal Sleeps lying next to each other on the altar. The sky has clouded up and the two women sense that something is terribly wrong. The puppets writhe on the altar for a few seconds before spotting each other. A terrifying, hellish shriek comes from both puppets as they launch themselves at each other's throats.... So, Brian, which re-animated puppet will send the other back to the great beyond?
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BRIAN: The sheep wins this one, faster than the Pets.com "spokespuppet" can make Peter Cetera sound good. Lamb Chop, after all, is the First Lady of the puppet universe. Alongside King Friday, this Queen Bee ruled the world (and, later, the afterworld) of the puppets at a time when puppets owned not only the airwaves but also the minds of malleable children everywhere. Simply put, she is the Mother of all Puppets™. And because of this, she'll have an army of allies that want to see her resurrected: Charlie Horse, Howdy Doody, Mr. Hat, those evil bastards from the Puppet Master movie series, thousands of adoring fans, and probably a few half-breed puppets, also known as muppets. Animal is scarier than any zombie puppet. And then this Pets.com wannabe shows up on the scene with a pocket full of ill-advised venture capital and thinks he can take over puppet stardom? He got a little full of himself and burned bridges whenever possible. In his short stint "on top", he sold out to Disney, tried to sue Triumph the insult comic dog, royally pissed off Ed the Sock, and still ended up in the toilet. No one's coming to his rescue, or to his second funeral. In fact, whatever puppets don't rush to Lamb Chop's rescue will show up just to pound Pets.com. This match-up is the sock puppet version of Mozart vs. Ricky Nelson or Wilt Chamberlain vs. Air Bud. Allies aside, this Pets.com puppet is just a loser. How do I know? 1.) He gets motion sickness in the car. That makes him a dork. I bet he eats paste and is allergic to water. 2.) He had to beg and bribe a doorman just to try to talk to a parakeet. A parakeet! This guy is desperate for attention. And a worldly lady like Lamb Chop is just the type to make him think he's getting it. One wink of those legendary eyelashes of hers, and he's putty in her hooves. Just as he's getting worked up into a hormonal lather, Punch and Judy come up from behind and drive a stake through his heart. JOE: First of all, calling her the "First Lady" ain't helping your case. Look at how weak our last one was... her lyin' cheatin' hillbilly husband is out staining dresses and what did she do? Defended him. Sounds more like a battered housewife than symbol of power. Secondly, comparing your little lamb to Mozart is just oozing with irony, seeing as the theme song to her cute little PBS happy hour show ("The Song that Never Ends") is hands-down the most annoying song ever written. I should point out that I am including in that statement 'Nsync, Ricky Martin AND Michael Jackson. As for the parakeet, our friend the Sock Puppet may not be a reporter on par with Gail Weathers or even Connie Chung, but don't you be underestimating Venture Capital. Big Pharmaceutical companies are killing people all over the world because they've got a lot of venture capital. It's likely that Sock Puppet has already used some of that cash to make contributions to the George Dubya Election Fund. All he's gotta do now is remind the President where his campaign funds came from and Sockie will have the entire military presence of the U.S of A at his back. What is Lamb Chop gonna fight that with? Muppets? Please.... I think she's one sock that's about get to lost in the Corporate washing machine. I don't know what makes you think that all of the puppets that ever existed are going to flock to Lamb Chop's aid. (Get it?... flock?... she's a lamb... awww never mind... ) They are both zombie puppets, but if you're claiming all the puppets, I'm claiming all the zombies. Yup, Night of the Living Dead, the dancing zombies from the X-Files, the pink-eye South Park Zombies, the undead from Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town AND Rob Zombie. They'll dismember her poor puppet army and leave the Rack of Lamb for ol' Sockie to eat with his fava beans and a nice Chianti. That's right, Mr. Pets.com is secretly Hannibal the Cannibal, and I dub this here match "Silence of the Lamb Chops." BRIAN: Joe, you make some excellent and well thought out points... if this was 1999. Maybe you need to read a paper or something, but Hillary was extradited to New York. Now we've got Laura Bush, a symbol of class and power, if you're willing to overlook the whole raising-alcoholic-daughters thing. Plus, I'd take Barbara Bush and a zombified Eleanor Roosevelt in a fight over just about anybody. And 1999 was the last time Pets.com saw anything remotely resembling venture capital. That went south just like its stock prices and the XFL ratings. He could have bought 5 Supreme Court Justices for Dubya, but with no scratch now, he's powerless. Pets.com bought his way to the top. How's that old saying go... "Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll see them again on the way down." Pets.com didn't do that, and now he's really paying for it. Lamb Chop acted with class, and will thus have hordes of allies at her disposal. Pets.com, on the other hand, got mocked by the E*Trade chimp, which is pretty pathetic given that monkeys are the lowest form of entertainment. That's right... Pets.com has nobody on his side. You may try to arbitrarily assign all zombies to his camp, but both puppets are zombies, so that's a wash. Realistically, they are a non-factor. If you were a zombie suddenly awakened from years or decades of deadness, would you care about a sock puppet fight? Of course not. You'd be much more interested in casting calls for crappy Italian movies or trying to munch on Macaulay Culkin's brains. Simply put, Lamb Chop has the back-up, the sex appeal, and the attitude to win this fight. The Pets.com amateur and sad puppet thing's second life will be even shorter than his first. Lamb Chop you up! JOE: I hate to break it to you, Brian, but the stagehands spanking their monkey's American Pie(TM) style inside the Lamb Chop sock after the show is over does NOT constitute sex appeal. And speaking of monkeys... the E*Trade Chimp(more TM) wasn't mocking Sock Puppet, he was crying for the loss of his Almighty God and Master. What most people don't realize is that the E*Trade chimp is actually Caesar from the "Planet of the Apes (yet another TM)" series and the loss of the Pets.com Sock Puppet is the last straw. By 2015, monkeys will take over the world and we'll all be sold into slavery. Secondly, after waking up from years of decadence and decay, zombies will attempt to eat the cutest, most annoying thing they see. In the case of The Living Dead, they went after Macaulay. But in this case when they wake up they are going to see that "classy" Lamb Chop singing "The Song that Never Ends" and they're going straight for the brains. You want to talk about back-up? The Sock Puppet, as you may have noticed, is a dog. Do you think that the dogs of the world are just going to sit by and let a lamb show them up? Yeah, right! Sockie is going to have a whole pack of Rottweilers AND their weight in Chihuahua's watching his back. I don't care how much attitude Lamb Chop has, her and any army of sheep she wants to bring along are going to get ripped to shreds. The only way Lamb Chop is going to even have a chance of surviving this
fight is if she clones herself Dolly style into about a hundred little
mutton mittens.
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Shari had a little lamb The little lamb made piles of dough One fateful night they rose again, With all the money she had saved The dog was almost penniless, No sooner did the fight begin Then Casey said to Finnegan: So get a job, like Shari's lamb, - Captain Corcoran - The Casey and Finnegan reference is included to satisfy the CRTC's Canadian Content regulations
There is only one thing that matters in this fight - Opposable thumbs. Notice the Pets.com dog can hold a Mic. That means he can wield a weapon... two if he uses both hands. Have you ever seen a picture of Lamb Chop holding anything? No? Why? No Opposable Thumbs - that's why. Why has mankind been able to dominate the earth? Opposable Thumbs. How do you learn to make and use tools without Opposable Thumbs? You don't. You sit thinking to yourself "Man I wish I knew how to crack open this coconut" or "Jeez, I wish I could find a screwdriver so that I could let myself out of this cage" or "Golly, is this program boring... I wish I had a remote control." That's right, you can't even change the channels without an Opposable Thumb. You're stuck singing nothing but "This is the song that never ends" followed by a 5 hour marathon of "Brady Bunch" reruns. By simply not having Opposable Thumbs, you'll go mad. Mad, I tell you. In the end, Lamb Chop is fleeced by the Pets.com Spokesdog because he's down with OpT. - Hurricane Andrew
Everyone knows that puppets of all types - hand puppets, ventriloquist’s dummies, marionettes, muppets, John Malkovich - are nothing more than tools which allow their creators to express the sick, twisted hidden desires within. Scarface (the Batman villain, not the Al Pacino movie) allowed his mousy creator to give life to the Mob Boss within. Mr. Hat gave Mr. Garrison an outlet for his homosexual urges. John Malkovich allowed John Cusack to finally get a nice piece of ass, which is a goal we can all sympathize with, but it’s a damned strange way of going about it. So, what do all of these puppets have in common other than the fact their manipulators are, deep down inside, extremely disturbed individuals? I’ll tell you what; they get their power from their masters. The same is ultimately true of Lambchop and SockDog. Some outside force has to possess these two glorified foot warmers in order for them to get up and attack one other, the very forces that gave them life in the first place, in fact. Behold: SockDog: Pets.com flopped for the same reason as so many other inter- net start-up companies. They spent more money on their commercials than they had capital to work with in the hope that clever ads would bring in the customers, allowing them to make it by the skin of their teeth. While this worked for a scant few companies, most went under pretty quickly. SockDog is, ultimately, the avatar of faulty business practices. The living (well, undead now) representative of every company that ever had more ideas than they did money. He is, to put it simply, a loser. The puppet will become possessed by the power of ultimate, unavoidable failure. Sure he may come out swinging, but he is doomed to die a very slow, very painful, very public death. This is made doubly true when you consider the competition. Lamb Chop: Lambchop is the brainchild of the late, lamented by no one I’d care to know Shari Lewis. The inner-conflict behind Lambchop’s creation isn’t too hard to figure out if you think about it. The young Shari Lewis was obviously a desperately shy wannabe Broadway starlet who cracked under the pressure, finally resorting to using a hastily made sock puppet as an outlet for the would-be show tune songstress within. Anyone who would actually allow herself to play second fiddle to footwear in exchange for some vicarious fame has some very serious issues. Instead of playing the lead in Annie Get Your Gun or South Pacific, as she so obviously longed to, she was forced to waste her talents on sniveling little snot-nosed brats by channeling it through a piece of hosiery made to look like the kind of farm animal who’s very popular with the hired help. (All you farmers out there know what I mean. Probably a little too well . . . *shudder*) Now she’s dead and she’s doomed to be forever remembered as "That Lambchop lady," by the people who remember her at all. If that isn’t a situation tailor made for calling up the illusive powers of The Rage, I don’t know what is! When the ghost of Shari Lewis takes control of the Lambchop puppet she’s going to tear mercilessly into the first thing she sees. Unfortunately for SockDog, he’s it. So basically we’re looking at The Rage of every down on his luck actor who was ever forced to hide behind a cheesy gimmick to make a buck versus the collective depression of the former employees of a company whose failure was already assured the moment their first commercial aired. Personally, I wonder if SockDog will even do anything. He may fight back for a few minutes, but in the end he’ll resign himself to his fate, as all losers ultimately do.
- Don "King" Milliken
Deranged bloodthirsty zombie carnivore vs. deranged bloodthirsty zombie herbivore? In a *Steven King*-based milieu? No contest, guys. The puppy tears the lamb to shreds. - Danny Sichel Now I realize that there is always a chance that Lamb Chop will sing, the song that never ends, and drive the pets.com mascot crazy. How ever I don't see this happening. What I see happening is the Lewis kid resurrected more than 2 puppets. You see She foresaw this fight, and she resurected Charlie horse ad the rest of the Lamb Chop Army. Or is militia the right word. So now it's like a gang laying the smack down on a lone pets.com mascot. Or is it. Remember Lamb Chop is old. They were in the pre-Internet ruled days. The Pets.com Mascot however has the power of the internet. he can order anything he wants. I forsee him going to his own web site, pets.com, and ordering many dog toys and such and sending them to many pitbulls with mob connections. So Tony the PitBull Grivano will call in his gang, including, the Taco bell dog, and old yeller's son. From this point it is the gang of sock puppets against the gang of live dogs, that would love to tear the puppets apart. So the Pit Bull and his gang destroy lamb chop and her gang, but I forsee the pets.com mascot will get in over his head and will not be able to make payment to the mafia, and the pitbull will finger him in court saying he killed lamb chop, and pets.com will have to declare bancruptcy in order to hire Jonnie Cocrhan as a defence attorney. "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit." Although the Jury has no idea what doesn't fit, and what it doesn't fit on, they figure it rhymes and it worked once, so they find the pets.com mascot NOT GUILTY, so he wins the trial and the fight. however he is broke and the mob will now definately kill him for lack of payments. So I guess you could say both mangled and killed, although lamb chop was killed first. I love organized crime, don't you? - R.J. Kleman A low, guttural shriek of "BRAAAAAAINS!" fills the pet graveyard as the puppets leap at each other… plop. "Rrrrrggghhlllpppphhh!" Both furiously gurgle, as they lie limp and flat on the monastery’s floor. Ah, one thing that neither puppet realized was that while now they are both undead, they still need operators, Hands Up the Asses, so to speak, or HUTAs (heeyutahhs). But of course, with these recently-risen zombies, the only HUTAs that can be found are those of the evil possessed hands! Both spread out their evil zombie black magic to hail the nearest convenient HUTA. The disembodied hand of Ashley J. Williams scurries into view and works itself into Lamb Chop’s socket. The murderous hand of Anton Tobias reaches into Sock Puppet’s hole and rises up. "Insolent swine!" Lamb Chop screeches in a very un-Lamb Chop voice. "My resurrection shall not be denied! Your Internet semantics have no effect on meeeeeeee!" In response, Sock Puppet howls to the high moon. Oh, whatever shall we do? Two undead sock puppets controlled by the most demonic of hands?! What do we do?! Nothing. BUDDA-BLAM! In a deafening explosion, Lamb Chop and her HUTA are blown apart into a thousand pieces. BUDDA-BLAM! Sock Puppet and partner are similarly obliterated. But who could be behind such a sneak attack? "Aha! Ze day iz mine!" A French accent breaks the silence. It’s Mr. Twig, grasping a shotgun! "Leetle deed zey know zat I vas also resurrected! Ho ho! Come, Thing! Ve are going back to Colorado to zettle a zcore!” - Charge Man It's quite obvious who has the advantage. Lambchop doesn't use makeup or special effects, Period. The pets.com force has no chance. Lambchop will obviously use her TV factor(tm)and her Annoyance factor (tm) to her advantage. Here's what will happen.
Puppet thing: Prepare to die! Lambchop proceeds to slice puppet thing with Yoda's lightsaber. She always knew that puppets sticked together! Note, I do not have much knowledge of either contestant, but I do know from younger cousins that Lambchop is nearly as bad as BARNEY FOR GOD'S SAKE! - David The Master Of Gaming Disaster There are several ways to look at this match: Ventriloquists: Shari Lewis was one of the best ventriloquists. You never ever saw her lips move, no matter whether she was doing Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse, or Hush Puppy. On the other hand, you never saw the ventriloquist who worked the Pets.com puppet. The most likely reason: He suffered from the Waylon Flowers (or "Uncle" Floyd Vivino) syndrome - he cannot keep his lips from moving. However, the Pets.com ventriloquist is probably still alive while Shari Lewis is quite dead. This cancels out Shari Lewis' skill advantage. Business Skill: The Pets.com puppet was a corporate spokescharacter. Even though the company was a dotcom fiasco (as most E-commerce companies turned out to be), this indicates that the Pets.com puppet was connected with capitalistic corporate America and didn't beg for handouts from his audience, other companies, or Uncle Sap - I mean Uncle Sam. Then we have Lamb Chop. Lamb Chop worked mainly for PBS (the Perpetual Begathon System) and was totally unschooled in the ways of American free-market capitalism. Heck, Lamb Chop had even very little in the way of merchandising. As a PBS minion, Lamb Chop does have tons of experience in begging for money from people, companies, and the government. As history shows us, capitalism almost always triumphs over its rivals. The sock dog wins here. Nature: As most people know, in a confrontation between a wolf (which are essentially the wild ancestors to dogs) and a sheep, only the wolf will walk away - usually with quite a bit of the sheep in his stomach. Sheep, especially lambs, have no fighting ability whatsoever. That is why they depend on shepherds, sheep dogs, and fences to protect them. And what they need protection from are dogs. Viewed from the nature angle, the sock dog wins yet again. So, it looks like the sock dog will be the one leaving the pet cemetery and Lamb Chop will have to be re-resurrected. But, unless you resurrect Shari Lewis also, Lamb Chop will be left speechless. - The Demented Astronomer Poor old Lamb Chop don't stand a chance. Pets.Com boy may suck royally, but he only sucks royally 20 seconds at a time. For years, eveyrone had to put up with Sherry Lewis and her annoying hand puppet. And you know who hated her the most? Her fellow cast members, especially Charley Horse. In fact, once the fight begins, Charley jumps in and beats the crap out of Lamb Chop. He still thinks that he could have had his own show if she didn't hide the spotlight. Within 3 minutes, the Pets.Com guy and Charley have ripped that lousy sock to shreds.They mark their territory, and then end up hooking up and having kids-after Charley has a sex change, that is. - chuckie-chuck and the pizza pimps The way I see it, Lamb Chop only has one weapon going for her. "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on, my friends...", etc. There are two outcomes if she uses it, however. 1. The Pets.com dog kills HIMSELF just so he doesn't have to hear it anymore; 2. All the dead animals in the cemetery rise from their graves and tear Lamb Chop limb from little cotton limb so she shuts up. Of course, if #1 happens, then #2 could follow right behind it...and Lamb Chop could start singing it in the afterlife...oh dear, I think I backed myself into a corner. Oh, screw it. As long as that damn lamb is dead. - Scotty J. Ah, a classic matchup for the 21st century. Of course, neither will win. Lamb Chop and the Pets.com dog puppet thingy are both sock puppets, primitive precursors of Barney. Both were dead, and have just been raised from the dead. This is clearly a metaphor; Lamb Chop and the Pets.com dog thingy were actually Communist 'Sleeper' agents. Since the fall of the Soviet Union both have been waiting for activation orders from the secret Marxist-Leninist elements in the Kremlin. However, Lamb Chop, as a Major in the KGB, and the Pets.com dog puppet thingy, as a Colonel in the GRU, naturally hate each other (you fought the American intelligence community had problems with cooperation? They have nothing on these guys). This is why they are now squaring off. Major 'Tatania' Lamb Chop does have superior training and equipment which would under normal circumstances allow her to defeat Colonel 'Boris' Pets.com dog puppet thingy, especially since he has become corrupted by capitalism. However, since they are agents of the KGB and GRU there are actually only three ways this can go. 1) Barney the Purple Dinosaur, a two-star general in the Neo-Fascist Corruption Group gets wind of the fight and turns up with a Disintegrator Cannon built for him by some mad Nazi scientist and turns them both into crispy critters. 2) The CIA gets wind of the fight and contacts the Pentagon. Since Tatania and Boris (or Lamb Chop and Pets.com dog puppet) are both Zombies the only way to take them out is to chuck a tactical nuke over, and turn them both into crispy critters. 3) The NVKD gets wind of the fight and warn Vladimir Putin. Putin is a neo-capitalist and a former head of the KGB. He therefore hates both the GRU and unreconstructed Communists such as the Major. He therefore chucks a tactical nuke over at them, and turns them both into crispy critters. However: Barney was killed in a historic Grudgematch with Wesley. Therefore the Neo-Fascists haven't got a heretics chance in Torquemada's dungeon of ending this fight. The CIA would never notice such a thing as a fight between two Communist agents (Two words, Aldritch Ames. The man spent ten years spending four times as much as he was earning, walking in and out of the Soviet embassy with bags and briefcases full of documents, and constantly demanding a higher security clearance, and did they catch on? Did they f*ck). No American Nukes. Therefore the fight will end when the Russians nuke South Dakota. Unfortunately Dubya will not stop to ask them 'why' (to stop an army of Communist Zombie Sock Puppet Pets from wreaking havoc across the continent, of course) before he orders the Pentagon to respond with full nuclear capacity (even the CIA would notice a mushroom cloud over South Dakota), the Russians will have no choice but to defend themselves, and the fight will end with the entire world transformed into a radioactive wasteland. Winner: The Rats (see Rats vs Cockroaches). Betcha didn't think anyone could work the end of the world out of this one, huh? - Will Ok, throw out all your arguments about allies and what other dogs and sheep have done in the past few fights. This is all going to boil down to one thing. Why would two lovable animals suddenly lash out like they were drunk on RAGE (tm)? Could it be because they've had a hand up their a$$ for years? I think so. As puppets, they've had someone's hand up their nether regions for years. Having a would be proctologist attached to your backside would be at least a bit distracting, if not downright uncomfortable. So the question becomes which one can muster more RAGE (tm) after having a 5 year cavity search? Now, consider how long have lonely sheepherders been forcing their affections on sheep? Hell, if I didn't want to be PC, I could ask how long the isle of Scotland has been around. But my intent is not to poke fun at the Celts, (although that's fun too.) but to show that humans have been modifying sheep's behavior for centuries. Poor Lamb Chop isn't just lashing out for herself, she's lashing out for her entire species. The pets.com dog doesn't have a chance, and just may find himself being ridden by a victorious Lamb Chop. - Simple Simon Damn. I think I might have ruined the match. It was an accident, honest! Thinkmaster and I were out drinking our (as well as Shane's and Paul's) share of Grudgebangers™ (Yoohoo, grain alcohol, and Mad Dog 20-20 shaken, not stirred) the other night. Naturally, we both passed out in the WWWF cafeteria. When I woke up the next morning, I was kinda hung over, not paying close attention to what I was doing. Well, one thing led to another, and after I peeled my face from the table and sponged off, I decided to get changed. Nobody told me that this week's competitors were being kept in my office dresser. When I finally sobered up. I realized that the noise coming from my shoes wasn't a hallucination. Unfortunately, by the time I untied my shoes, both competitors were quite dead. Again. My bad... - HotBranch! I once made a movie movie with a pets.com puppet I ordered online. In the end sequence, he used his microphone to beat Kermit the Frog to death in an anime-inspired sequence (long story). Point; the pets.com dog has a weapon. True, Lamb Chop has feet, which the net dog is lacking. Think of it this way. Does Lamb Chop ever use her feet? Nope, she just sits around. The lack of legs in the Spokespuppet doesn't hold him back. He flies across the scene with the greatest of ease! The Pets.com Spokespuppet in 13 min., 47 sec. - Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader Because both the contestints are quadropolegics, the battle will be won based on mouth size. Lamb Chop is severely out-gunned with that little mouth. True, nether has teeth but the sock puppet can grab Chops head and squeeze untill the lamb cries "Mercy". - Max and Luie 3 Reasons Lambchop will win. 1.Looking at lambchop's battered face tells me she's been in quite a few fights before. Most likely against that violent little Charlie Horse character (who also looks like he's been on the wrong side of a punch or two) The pets.com dog may or may not have a black eye, I can't really tell. 2.Wool. Lambchop has wool. The pets.com dog will have a hard time finding a place to sink his teeth into, and going for the neck is near impossible. 3.Hooves. Whether Lampchop tries punching or trampling, those hooves will cause a lot of damage. And if they are both zombies the hooves will be the only thing not seriously deteriorated. - The Kleptomaniac So here are two puppets, obviously possessed by evil spirits. Sorta like that old episode of Star Trek, "The Lights of Zetar". And who wrote "The Lights of Zetar"? Why, it was Jeremy Tarcher and his wife... SHARI LEWIS! Since Lambchop's life essence is an original part of the Star Trek power cosmic, she automatically loses the Grudge Match, and Pets.com Pup goes on to become a recurring demon in the tortured life of Frank "Grover" Oz. - Chris 'Jedi' Knight wonders "if sock puppets get lost in the dryer, do they go to Heaven?" In sixth grade, I had to present Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol in a unique way. So how did I show off the masterpiece? By using sock puppets! Let me tell you, when I had Scrooge (isn't he a former Grudge-Match participant?) dancing and singing, the crowd was pumped: "Money don't get everything, it's true/But what it don't get, I can't use/I need money--" (Ghost of Christmas Past: THAT'S......WHAT I WANT) "That's what I want--" (Ghost of Christmas Present: THAT'S.....WHAT I WANT) "That's what I waaaaaaaaaaant, oh yeah." (THAT'S WHAT I WANT) So basically, the winner here is me. - President of the Ed Asner Liberation Organization Here are the results of the match after everything has been said, done, and destroyed.
55 pet graves smashed in scuffle Lambchop mangles the mangy mutt without making much of a fuss, then is suddenly stepped on by the reanimated monster. For some reason, the monster then picks up a handy 3-foot stick and top hat, and tap-dances away singing "Putting on the Ritz." Making a reference to a Mel Brooks movie in a Steven King setting? Priceless. -The Mad Josher I don't know about you guys, but Lamb Chop always used to freak me out when I was kid. I mean... something about that puppet was... Evil. Evil as in an old-school "I’ll swallow your soul!" way, not today’s Politically Correct "Let’s make commercials with some hip Gen- X types ripping into tobacco companies" wussy brand of evil. You know, "Evil" with a capital "E". With the resurrection of the Evil Lamp Chop, Mallory Lewis is messing with forces that mankind were not meant to know about. Nothing good can come of it, that’s for sure. Now, the pets.com sock-puppet is just silly. And as any self- respecting sci-fi geek will tell you, Evil beats silly every time. Both the pets.com sock-puppet and Julie Wainwright will be sacrificed in an unholy ritual in short order, ushering in the new Dark Age! All hail the new Dark Lord, Lamb Chop! - Xoxotl Frankly, I have to say that even the Domino's Pizza mascot could beat pets.com dog easily. That dog is all talk but no action, no cunning. Through the years Lambchop has been educated by a loving partner Shari Lewis (R.I.P) and passed that knowledge on to us. Pets.com dog is a rookie and doesn't have the experience and would be kicked aside with one of Lambchop's powerful cloven hooves. Baaaa stands for baaaad. Don't mess with her she's pretty deceptive batting those eyelashes around, I mean she probably had to defend herself from a few farmhands before hitting the big time. Plus with Ms. Lewis passed away doesn't that mean Lambchop has as well, thus making her immortal. Pets.com would never win because of this factor. - Mary-Lou, Windsor, Ont. Lambchop, as much as I hate to admit it, would win because of one specific band of her allies. If any of you have seen "Tales From the Hood"(TM), you know what I'm talking about. Those little zombie dolls were the creepiest most vicious toys I've seen in a horror movie. The only zombie doll that would be the weak link on her side would be Chuckie. What a weenie.
- Tershyn Rowell Two words, STAYING POWER and Lamb Chop has it! Lamb Chop has outlasted many popular but now molded, dusty memories (like Ron Regan) Oh, the many crumpled and ruined shells of puppets, both hand and non hand, that Lamb Chop has laid waste to: Howdy Doody, Senor Fuente (surright!!) and now, this miserable excuse for a sock puppet, Pets.com. Had Lamb Chop had the right representation, she could have continued on today, while Sheri Lewis provides fertilizer for the daisies. - Doctor Slash Let's put both of these overdeveloped socks where they belong... in the gym locker of the smelliest Sweathog of all (and former WWWF champ)... Juan Epstein! - Mr. Potato Head (Why is it Davy Jones' locker anyway?) Lamb Chop has this one in the bag, no doubt. The cheapo sock puppet's looking to be ripped to shreds. One comment from him ("Shari had you marketed by sweatshop children!") and he's history. Lamb Chop's so distraught by losing Shari that anything could make her snap. Think about how a lamb's nature is.. calm, complacent.. dull. Throw in Shari Lewis, stupid puppet friends, and lots of abuse (bathtimes were the worst; going in the washing machine was so horrendous) and you've got a bleating time bomb, waiting to go off. Our Pets.com friend growls at Lambo, and Lambo retaliates. Drawing from the kinship she, as a lamb, shares with the goat, she charges the puppet and headbutts him into oblivion. Since he cannot return to finish, Lambo is the winner by default. - Jenni (too much of an imagination can kill) This fight is over before it began. The Pets.com pup won't even have to battle. Why? His opponent's name is Lamb Chop. LAMB CHOP! Now, I ask you, how high can the self-esteem of a socked sheep be when her name specifically refers to her destiny as an entree?!? Pets.com all the way. Case closed. (Incidentally, the Pets.com sock puppet's victory was shortlived as he got lost in the dryer several minutes later.) - Ilsoap Okay...zombie puppets come back to life and decide to tear each other a new hand-hole. Its quite clear to see who the winner will be. But lets take a look at the stats: Pets.com- created by the explosion of everyone deciding they need their own E-business, talks to animals, Delivers pet stuff to your door, Currently unemployed with a knee-high and two sweat socks to raise, Can drive a stick. Lambchop- sings, dances, entertained millions of children so mommy wouldn't be disturbed while the mailman was "helping" momma with something, had an old lady's hand up its @$*%!, And helped to create the most annoying song in the world. You see its not really a match of who wants to win but more so of who wants to lose. Now Seeing as how they've both been brought back to life, it throws a new twist into the equation...Zombies. Zombies can be killed by only a couple of different ways, death by shotgun ala' Ash, or having its head destroyed by pretty much any type of lawn care machine. However if you wait until dawn the zombies will usually return to their graves giving the cowardly surviving humans to gun them down in the back (night of the living dead). But to get to the winner. Neither will win due to the fact that the recently brought back snuggles bear throws both into a laundry dryer without his patented softner and both end up going whereever the hell lost socks go for all eternity. Then by some way I haven't figured out yet the snuggles bear rids the world of that stupid song. - Johnny Disco I almost got eaten by a former police dog once, while the worst thing a sheep ever did was spit on me. - Mark Dziak The night was dark, as nights usually are. The Semetary was usually quiet this time of night... excepting those visitors coming to bring back little Spot, or Fluffers, or whatever the flavor of the week was. They didn't understand the Evil. And they probably never will. I had come to visit Betty, my pet hamster. Poor thing died in an accident with a shotgun. Really was a shame. It seems the two had found the book. They wanted their friends back. But things were about to go horribly wrong. The spell was never meant to be used, but they used it anyway. What it brought back can only be described as disgusting. Zombies. Brain- sucking, flesh-eating zombies. I'd be damned if I dealt with those again.
Mallory Lewis: I hope this works... I so miss poor Lamb
Chop.
They finished the spell, and they awoke. But they weren't
themselves. They got bad. Real bad.
Lamb Chop: You can nevew have the Necwinomicon! In a heartbeat they were on the women. I don't know what it is, but women in trouble always gets me rowdy. These puppets needed to be taught a lesson.
Mallory: Heeeeeeeeeelp! Someone, please! They were on me in a second. I don't know where they came from, but I was ready to send them back to the place where all the left socks go after you put a load of wash in the dryer. (Ash knocks Lamb Chop away with a swing of the metal gauntlet hand, slamming her into a large tombstone. Pets.com Dog jumps at Ash, mouth open, ready to kill. His mouth lands straight on the barrels of the shotgun.) Ash: Hey, sweatsock... sell this. (BOOOOM! The Pets.com Dog flies back, hitting a tree and falling down. On further inspection, its head is missing, and its watch is cracked.) Ash: Groovy. (Lamb Chop attacks with a vengeance, knocking Ash to the ground.)
Lamb Chop: You found me beautifuw once... (With another hiss, Lamb Chop jumps back into the air at Mallory. Ch-chuck... BOOOM! Pieces of Lamb Chop are scattered all over the Sematary.)
Ash: You should always seperate your whites. (On command, the Song That Never Ends starts up... Lamb Chop's resurrected friends, Charlie Horse and Hush Puppy, begin to sing along, all the while heading for Ash and Mallory.) Damn. They were still coming. I hope I could remember the words... hey, it hadn't been too long, I got the words... basically. Ash: Klatu... Verata... Nnn... nnn... dammit! Why do I always forget that damn word!? I swear, I'm gonna kill that damn wizard... why can't the magic words be easy, like "shoe" or "bat" or "nictu" or something? Why can't it be Klatu, Verata, Nictu?! Dammit!
(On command, the hordes of evil reanimated puppets fall to the
ground. Mallory embraces Ash.) Course I had saved her life... that's what I do. Name's Ash, I work in the housewares division at S-Mart. I coulda gone with her. We coulda had a good life together. But hey, I got a reputation to uphold. Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.
- Boden-san, bringing Jon "I'm not Vince" McMahon and Goddess Ace along for the guided tour of the Grudge Match facilities Joe noted that Lambchop has the most annoying theme song of all time, what he neglected to realize was that this was a powerful weapon indeed. If the funniest joke ever can kill people with laughter, the most annoying song ever must be a thousand times more deadly. It's only a matter of time until the song itself kills you or you are forced to take your own life so that the damned song will stop (this is also known to happen with any one of the trillion "teen death" songs made during the fifties and early sixties, while music by Pat Boone can drop a rhino at forty paces. I won't even mention the horrors caused by Bobby Goldsboro music, other than to say the scientists testing this theory still haven't got the walls of their lab clean yet). So anyway, Lambchop begins to sing "This is the song that doesn't end..." and the unfortunate Spokespuppet's brain explodes twenty seconds later. Tragic really, bits of fluff and sock went everywhere. Seeing as how even sock puppets need a brain to function (they're not network executives or boy band members for God's sake), he promptly expires again. Lambchop emerges the victor and howls something about Elmo before disappearing into the underbrush. - Ubiq While it's true that the Petspuppet has raw crude capitalism, he will lose, regardless of what he can come up with, for one simple reason: Lambchop is a Made-Lamb. That's right Lambchop is a member of one of the oldest mob families ever to reside in the U.S. -- the Public Broadcasting System! While other networks simply ask us to buy stuff from other people, PBS lays down strong arm tactics and has it's viewers "pledge" money to their organization, promising "membership" in return, and threating to stop supplying its services if the "members" don't cough up the extra change. This is the organization that Lambchop will turn to when Pet.pup tries any funny business. If the Sesame Street gang doesn't get the job done (and I doubt it wouldn't- Pet.pup will probably see the bottom of the New York harbor with the letter L and the number 0 written in his cement shoes) the rest of the PBS "kids" would. Pet.pup trying to knock off Lambchop -- fuddgitboutit! - Hello, my name is GibsonGirl, and I'm a public television addict . . . Dear sirs or madams, As a hand specialist, I see some potential problems in this match. One such problem is having your hand in a puppet (sock or otherwise) for an extended period of time can cause perspiration without evaporation, creating a breeding ground for fungus and bacteria. It will be only a matter of time before you will need to spend hard- earned money to see a doctor and to purchase necessary mediations and treatments. Quite often, puppets are shared. In such a situation, EACH puppeteer MUST wear protective gloves. One person's disease can be transmitted to another person via residue left in a puppet. For those who are allergic to latex, there are non-latex gloves available at any drug store. Just washing your hands after using a puppet is simply not enough. A barrier is needed between your skin and potentially contaminated tissue or fluids. A fight between two puppets is very dangerous. Abrasions and "jammed" fingers are just the beginning. Smashing and clenching hands can cause fractures and full breaks. If one puppet gets caught on the other, sprains, tears, and ruptures of muscles and ligaments can occur from the fingers all the way up to, and including, the shoulder area. Many of these problems may require medication, surgery, and/or physical therapy. Prevention, as always, is less expensive than treatment. It is possible to have fun with puppets. All I ask is for caution to be heeded. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, Dr. N. Ormand Litnilier, M.D.
- Mark Wentz Once again, the setting is Maine and the setting is the key to the match. In May, the State of Maine makes England look like the Sahara; it's a 32,562 square mile mud pie with some trees stuck in it. It is therefore inevitable that a warm spring rain will fall on our two combatants. Lambchop's wool structure must be dried carefully to avoid post-bout shrinkage but during the fight she should come out with an even distribution of wetness and therefore, water weight. Pets.com has some sort of stuffing in his little round head which will soak in water like a sponge and concentrate several ounces of liquid in his head while the rest of his body takes on very little. Unable to lift his head, Pets.com will only be able to rotate around his noggin and will be easy prey for the baaaaaad girl from PBS. Somebody had better stop Lambchop before she links up with the killer sheep from Monty Python or they're going to be eating us. - Mr. Silverback and Mongo- United by our love of candy. The most evil and terrifying thing that dogs do is jumping on you and ripping your throat out. The most evil and terrifying thing sheep do is Haggis(tm). Lamb Chop wins. In a rout. - Antidisestablishmentairianism Come on guys, this one is a no-brainer! I can see that both combatants are evenly matched. One's politness exactly complements the other's boldness. Lamb Chop has more experience under her belt, but the Pets.com Spokespuppet has that microphone which can turn into a weapon at any time. So who has the advantage? What it all basically comes down to is fabrics. The Pets.com Spokespuppet is cotton, and Lamb Chop is wool! Wool has a tendency to shrink in water. All it takes for the Pets.com Spokespuppet to win is a little water, which happens to be the most abundant resource on this planet. The scenario will go something like this: Lamb Chop and the Pets.com Spokespuppet are brawling on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. Lamb Chop winds up to give the patented knock out Chop(TM) to the neck, but the Pets.com Spokespuppet dodges in time. Off balance, Lamb Chop plunges into the watery pit below. The Pets.com Spokespuppet finds his body 2 miles down river. Lamb Chop is still alive, but he is about the size of Jerry(TM) from Tom and Jerry(TM). With one fatal swipe of the microphone, Lamb Chop has become nothing more than smashed mutton(TM). - Sam Danger My Secret Santa gift this year was the pets.com sock puppet thingie book. I was not expecting much out of a measly little 'humor' book like this, but I gotta say, it falls way short of the mark. The Wayne's World book is the pinnacle to reach: funny and inventive on every page, and a good deal over 100 pages. This was not the Wayne's World book. This wasn't even the It's Pat book. This one was nothing but two page single-photo shots of him sitting at a chair, or making spaghetti, or other hysterical things. With so few words in it (sans inflection), itreads more like a second grader's drawing stapled together. There's one good page about meeting Scott Baio, but the rest is crap crap crap. I'd put good money down this thing was excreted over a weekend. It's probably growing dust at the humor shelf of a Barnes and Noble, crammed between a crossword puzzle dictionary and a Green Lantern graphic novel. It takes all of five minutes to flip through the whole thing. Read it, and tell me I'm wrong here. It stinks. Lambchop, as far as I know, is illiterate. She still wins. No book at all is better than the pets.com book.
- Kilgore Trout As a cliched device and to delay the punch line, let me analyze this match category by category. Weapons -- The Pets.com puppet has his microphone(and I'm pretty sure he would have been buried with it, as a symbolic gesture), which should be useful as a club. Lamb Chop has nothing, and her short little arms probably wouldn't let her get a good two-handed grip if she did. Edge to the Pets puppet. Vulnerabilities -- Since the hand up Lamb Chop's backside belonged to a well-groomed woman, she's been callused inside from constant contact with long fingernails, and will be able to absorb punishment. The Pets.com puppet has loosely stuck-on eyes, which will be easy to tear off in a hard scuffle. Point to Lambie. Motivations -- Pets.com tasted Internet affluence, then fell destitute. He'll hunger to return to former glories, giving him the Eye of the Tiger™ (even if that eye can be easily ripped off--see above). Lamb Chop had modest success, and her fall from celebrity was gentle. The dot-comster wins this round. Warrior Spirit -- Deep down, who is the better fighter? We tend to reveal our personalities through our speech, and here there is a startling revelation. The Pets.com puppet's voice reminds me of Bob Goldthwaite, who while possessed of a certain manic energy, does not impress as a brawler. Of course, Lamb Chop has this high-pitched, mealy-mouthed voice ... just like Mike Tyson. Yikes! This contest is over before it begins. Lamb Chop will walk away with a big floppy ear clenched in her mouth. Soft and cuddly, my eye! - Call me Shane Ignoring the RAGE(TM) that both will have after their dirtnaps being interrupted to have another hand shoved somewhere sensititve, this one has to go to lambchop. She (he, it?) has had to play nice for her entire life, and freshly zombified, lambchop feels it's time to turn over a new leaf (filled pick up) on the pets.com. Even super rabies dog can't fight off all the repressed anger and pain of lambchop. She'll be enjoying some fresh korean cuisine tonight - drunkagain Lamb Chop is a sheep. The Pets.com puppet is a dog. The relationship between sheep and dogs is that a dog takes control of not one but several dozen sheep and acts as the sole provider, protector, and controller of the sheep. When the dog tells the sheep to move, they do. Without the dog, the sheep get eaten. The dog is the sheep's GOD. Within a few seconds, Pets.com will have bitchslapped Lamb Chop and told her, "Get up and make me some pot pie, bitch!" And if she knows what's good for her, she will have it done, unless she wants to become a sweater. - My name is Kenny well, i can't say as that i like either contestant in this fight. and it only depresses me to see the sad de-evolution of the puppet in modern american society. and to think that we once had the howdy doody show and H.R. PufnStuff. And fraggile rock! I mean, of course those shows sucked horribly, but even Sigmund the Sea-monster looks like Anthony Hopkins compared to those two. i voted for the pets dot com puppet, because unlike his counterpart, he at least bordered on somewhere near humor. - a trained killer from the planet mercury This is essentially an arm wrestling match between the zombified arms of Sheri Lewis and some dotcom computer nerd. Ever hear of a dotcommie winning an arm wrestle? Thought not. - martinl
Aaahhh! Cuteness Alert! I feel like saying 'Awww...aren't they sweet'. Aaaahh! Run, before it's too late!
- Nicky Lewer
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