World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

It's once again a packed house at Madison Square Garden -- the arena filled to the rim with half-drunk WWWF WrestleManya (tm) fans screaming wildly. The stench of impending violence hangs in the air. A hooded figure walks down an aisle still soaked from the fireshoses used to clean up the last WWWF battle here at MSG. The boos, of course, are deafening as usual. As the figure approaches the ring, two people break through security and run up to him. He swats them away with a flick of his hand; they're dead before they hit the floor. The boos louden. He enters the ring, you would expect him to rip off his robe and participate in some display of power, but the robe stays on, an eerie smile peeking through the darkness of his hood. Who is this man?

Cheers fill the arena as the other contender enters. Dressed in solid gold robes and shoes, he jogs up to the ring. He grabs the ropes to pull himself into the ring; instantly, the ropes stop swinging and begin glimmering against the bright arena lights. He throws off his robe which falls with a clank to the canvas revealing dazzling golden trunks. The crowd goes wild.

"Are you ready to Rummmmmmm-bbbbbbllllllllle!"

"In this corner, weighing in at 175 pounds, the Metallic Marvel, the Greek Golden Guy, the one, the only, Kiiiing Miiii-daaaas!!" The crowd goes crazy, cheers cascading down upon the King. Within seconds, the cheers turn to boos. "And in this corner, weighing in at 37 pounds, the Doctor of Demise, the Hound of Hades, Death Incarnate himself, the Griiim Reeeaaapeeeer!!!" The deafening combination of cheers and jeers drown out the announcer.

So, Steve, who comes out alive in WWWF WrestleManya (tm)?

King Midas Grim Reaper

King Midas

vs.

Grim Reaper

The Commentary

STEVE: Well, this certainly is an interesting match. On one hand (no pun intended), whomever the Grim Reaper touches will instantly die. On the other hand (still no pun intended), whomever King Midas touches will instantly turn into gold. Although I'm no doctor, I assume this means death as well. At any rate, it's gonna be a quick match, and the crowd is not going to happy about spending $120 for ringside seats for five seconds of finger touching.

Anyway, It's obvious that the Grim Reaper has to win this one. Midas is just a human with special powers. The Grim Reaper is a supernatural being, whose power we just can't fathom. Is it really possible to turn the Grim Reaper into gold? Maybe his robe will transform, but not Dr. Death. He should prove invulnerable against Midas's powers.

Another issue is touch-a-bility. Midas will be simple to touch, being the show-off that he is, bare-chested and vulnerable. The Reaper's target is right there out in the open. But the Reaper has those robes to protect him. It can't be easy finding 37 pounds of bone in all those folds of his robe. While Midas searches for a target, a bony finger will extend and put Midas out of the gold business for good. Reaper in 5 seconds.

BRIAN: Usually, Steve, I just disagree with your poor analysis. But never have I witnessed you to completely miss the point. Until now. Touching? Direct contact of any kind? Impossible! If these two combatants have any type of direct physical contact (hand-hand, hand-chest, elbow-face, etc.), the match will be a draw: Midas is killed and the Reaper turned to gold. Look at the voting form, Steve! A tie isn't an option!

So where does that leave us? Simple logic tells us that the fight must be resolved without direct contact. Ah-ha! Weapons! What kind of weapons would the Reaper have? Anything within arms reach of a normal WWWF wrestling ring: chairs, bells, people, audio/video equipment, etc. What would the King have? Solid gold versions of the same. Imagine the Reaper hitting the King with a microphone stand. Yeah, it would hurt, but no big deal. Now, imagine the King hitting the Reaper with a SOLID GOLD microphone stand. Thus, the King has at his disposal much harder, much heavier and much more effective weapons to win this match. It's all over as soon as Midas can get his hands on a big bucket o' popcorn or a firehose (very easily done in WWWF Wrestlemanya (tm)).

STEVE: Brian, it's whatever they touch, not whatever touches them that matters. Therefore, my arguments are completely valid. However, I'll take time out to play your little game, since you managed to screw up those arguments as well.

First of all, the Grim Reaper is not weaponless. He carries a sickle with him. You know, long stick, sharp curved blade, etc. This is a tool made for hacking. It will work quite nicely on pretty-boy Midas. Poor Midas is the one who is going to have to grope for substandard weaponry. And believe me, a microphone stand is no match for a sickle.

Second, your golden vs. non-golden weapon argument is completely faulty. I really would like to see Midas lift and swing a golden microphone stand. It would weigh upwards of 200 pounds if it were gold. Even if he can lift it, any swing will be easily avoided since Midas lacks the strength to wield it with any speed.

Third, if we play by your "anything that touches them" rules, then Midas is in even more trouble because of his powers. I will now perform a rudimentary physical analysis. Imagine The Reaper's sickle (or any other weapon) hitting Midas. Right before impact, let's say it has a certain mass and a certain velocity. The energy supplied by Reaper = 0.5mv². Right after impact, it turns to gold, and it's mass increases by a conservative 5 times. This freshly golden weapon, still travelling at it's original speed, now supplies over 5 times the energy (and thus 5 times the impact) on Midas, with no additional effort required by the Reaper! It's like five hits in one! This is an easy victory for the Reaper if we follow your rules.

BRIAN: Your overly condescending tones fail to give your arguments any credibility. First of all, let's review basic vocabulary. Reaper: Anything he touches, dies. Midas: Anything he touches, turns to gold. Webster's: Touch, v., to be or become so close to (something) that there is no intervening space. Nowhere in that definition is there any hint of "touch" being defined by who initiated contact. Clearly, THERE CANNOT BE ANY CONTACT OF ANY KIND if a draw is to be avoided.

Second, your sickle analysis is moot. Since you want to discuss "my rules", let's discuss "THE rules". From Section IV of the WWWF Wrestlemanya (tm) RuleBook (tm): "At no time shall any kind of hand-held weapon, motorized or manual, or any kind of projectile be used on an opponent." Thus, they can only be used when the referee has his back turned and is engaged in some animated conversation with someone outside the ring (tm). When the Reaper walks in with the sickle, the ref will see it at the start of the fight and have it removed. Standard pro-wrestling protocol! HE WON'T EVER EVEN HAVE THE SICKLE IN THE RING!! And, to dispel your myths (pun intended) about King Midas, he's been wielding gold objects for years now and he's gotten pretty buff.

And, finally, let's consider outside influences (something we've neglected recently). Who does Grim have? Some goblins, some ghouls, some minions of the dark, blah, blah, blah. Who does Midas have? Why the whole of Mount Olympus! Who granted him the turn-everything-to-gold wish in the first place? Dionysus! And let's not forget he was on good enough terms to be selected to judge one of their musical competitions (yeah, he pissed off Apollo and ended up with donkey ears, but he's still really close with the rest of them). And why would the gods resent the Reaper?! He's moving in on their territory! Hades was god of the underworld and death long before Mr. Reaper came along and muscled in on his turf AND stole his name ("Hound of Hades"). Hades alone could take out Grim, but imagine what happens when 10 or 20 of those gods come crashing down on the party. I'm thinking Cerberus will have a few bones to bury in the afterworld once this is over. BOC said it best: "Don't fear the reaper!"

The Results

The Grim Reaper (1008)

defeats

King Midas (264)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (tm)

This is a tough one, but i think in the end Midas will come up the victor.

His strategy will be a simple one. During the match, which will consist mainly of a great deal of dodging and possible finger poking, king midas will give a nod to his secret weapon standing outside the ring. At this time the Solid Gold Dancers will start to strut their stuff distracting the ref and maybe even death himself. Midas will then sieze the moment by touching death's robe turning it into gold. Death doesnt look like he has the build to wear solid gold attire (we leave that to Mr. T) so he collapses under the weight getting pinned to the mat for a three count.

- Andyman

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

There are at least four key factors which should swing this contest in favour of Midas.

1. Defence. The King has access to layers upon layers of protective coating. With a little forethought, King Midas could outfit himself in a pair of MC Hammer balloon pants (tm) and one of Fabio's sleeveless shirts and he'll have an impregnable suit of golden armor extending for miles around.

2. The Rage (tm). Since everything that touches the king turns to gold, he has doubtlessly experienced all manner of humiliation, from being essentially unable to perform basic bodily functions (gotta watch what you touch down there) to foregoing any kind of meaningful relations with other human beings. All these years of denial (and living in his own golden filth) have turned him into a bitter and twisted old man, and he's looking to put a king-sized whoopin' on someone.

3. Arsenal. In addition to all the other objects at ringside which King Midas could use against the reaper, I'm surprised you folks have overlooked an important resource within easy reach of the regent. The densest objects known to man: celebrities. Their awesome killing power as projectiles will magnify when solidified as gold. A lot of fantastically dumb but aerodynamic stars will have shelled out major bucks to sit at ringside. Imagine the primary and collateral damage inflicted by Midas-propelled golden versions of Jim Carrey, Sean Young and (please, God) Don King. Not to mention the extensive psychological trauma.

4. Tactics. It's easy to cheat death, or at least distract him. The Reaper is a sucker for side contests - all Midas has to do is challenge him to a game of chess, wait until he turns his back and then WHAM, right in the back of the melon with the golden corpse of Charlie Sheen.

Combine all this and it's only a matter of time before the solid gold dancers do the slide slide slippety slide on the grim reaper's bony ass.

- Thinkmaster General

EDITOR'S NOTE: A Solid Gold Dancers (tm) reference was not necessary to receive a ROTW. This was merely coincidence.

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Examine the pictorial evidence that was presented:

King Midas is obviously Charlemagne (although that painting is reportedly idealized). Charlemagne might have been the Holy Roman Emperor with a direct communication channel to the Supreme Being but even Charlemagne eventually succumbed to the Grim Reaper [1].

Or has King Midas/Charlemagne been resurrected and this is a rematch?

But does it matter? No one escapes the final outcome.

[1] An anthromorphic personality who TALKS LIKE THIS, carries a mean scythe [2] and like cats.

[2] The referee would NEVER see it as Death has the capability to materialize this instrument out of thin air. It also reportedly can cut immaterial objects [3] while passing harmlessly through material objects [4].

[3] Like souls from their earthly hosts. King Midas/Charlemagne will never know what happened...until it's too late.

[4] Death apparently doesn't like creating a mess.

- Eugenia

You know, folks, she's right. That was a picture of Charlemagne. But do you have any idea how hard it is to find a picture of ANY king (never mind King Midas himself) that doesn't make said king look like a complete geneticly vapid, VD-ridden, funny hat-clad, purple fluffy robe-wearin' freak? We HAD to improvise! -Eds

This certainly seems like no contest. The Grim Reaper has it in the bag. He is made of bones which, recalling from my knowledge of the body, are not actually touching. In a human they are separated by flesh and blood. Reaper Man obviously lacks these and his bones, therefor, are separated by some supernatural forces. If they were actually touching he would have worn away in a few decades from the friction at the joints. Now that I've explained the situation the results should be self-evident. The Man in Black touches Mr. Ass Ears on the chest with the first segment of his little finger instantly killing the fool and gaining a unique bit of jewlery in the process. When he returns home he shows off his now golden bone to the other three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and laughs.

Of course if they had been playing chess. . .

- Dave McGee

This one is tough but for the sake of the fight let's assume that only an active touch (not passive as in "touched by") is considered an offensive blow. Therefore, whoever touches the other first wins. With that in mind we must consider speed and deftness. Have you ever seen death in movies? (I'm thinking specifically of Monty Python's Meaning of Life) He moves as slow as...well...DEATH. Midas will only have to throw him a weak head fient and thrust in for the kill. Midas wins in 3 seconds.

- Jagrmeister

El Reaper is needed much more than the King. Think about it. If Midas pulls an upset, population control gets way out of hand. Who will be collecting the dead? Not Midas...he will just be turning us to gold. No, in this case, Mr. Grim has destiny & his job to consider.

- Jonathan D. Siegel

I'm not sure who'll win this one. the only thing I do know is that you should get Shirley Bassey for the pre-match entertainment.

"Gooooldfinger." (Ba-ba-ba-baaaaaaaaa) "He's the man, the man with the Midas touch"

Actually I think I'll go with Death on this one. Just looking at his record. 40 billion fights, 40 billion wins, all knockouts. That's even better than Tyson. And think of all the people he's beaten. That long drawn out bout with George Burns threatened to go all the way, but the Reaper got him in the end. He is the undisputed heavy weight champion of the world.

- Ashley Wakeman

After seeing the Grim Reaper in Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey (tm), it is obvious he is too big of an idiot to kill anybody, so King Midas wins by process of elimination.

- David

True enough, Midas has the gods on his side. However, the odds that they will take time off from their busy schedules to come down to the garden to appear ringside for this match? Sure, if it was a Wrestlemania or such, I could see it (If they could get Lawrence Taylor, they can get anybody). In the case of a regular match, however, I find it unlikely in the extreme. Even if they were to come to ringside, they would be strangers in a very, very strange land.

The Reaper, on the other hand, has at his beck and call the hosts of the dead. This means that he can call upon such luminaries of the squared circle as The Grand Wizzard of Wrestling, Freddie Blassie and damned near the entire Von Erich clan. These spirits know ring wars like the back of their hand. To distract the referee long enough to allow the Reaper to get hold of his scythe and use it would be second nature to them.

Once the Reaper used his scythe, it would be all over. Even if Midas's power operated upon his death, it would still end up with a dead king and a golden scythe. A double victory for the thin white duke, as it were.

- Jeff Aronowitz

The larger problem at work here is: who can kill death?? Are we mistaking the condition of being turned to gold with being defeated and killed? The Reaper, if touched by the silly drunken mortal, certainly would turn to gold, but is he "dead"? I think not. An altering of his corporeal structure is insignificant, as he is powered by darker forces.

On the other hand, if ol' goldfinger is touched by the Reaper, then we all know what fate awaits him. Heck, the hand of death cannot even kill himself-- surely the Reaper must touch himself (but lets not go there...) and still he does not die. Death is eternal. It is needed as a counterbalance for life. What is Midas needed for? Big fat nothing. As Nietzsche said, "Death-- The certain prospect of death could sweeten every life with a precious and fragrant drop of levity-- and now you strange apothecary souls have turned it into an ill-tasting drop of poison that makes the whole of life repulsive."

Or as I always say: don't fuck with Death.

- Hsiang Tseng, Stanford University

This could turn into a very long match. King Midas will eventually die of old age, yet the Grim Reaper has no such problem. Thus, all the Reaper has to do is sit and wait for poor old King Midas to kick the bucket of his own accord. Additionally, King Midas can't eat anything! He'll starve to death, if nothing else gets him first. Besides, even if Midas did manage to touch the Grim Reaper, the Reaper certainly wouldn't die. How could the Reaper die if he's death incarnate? Such a situation creates a paradox that can only be resolved by admitting the immortality of our good pal death.

So, I'll have to say that the Grim Reaper will be victorious after 1,756,289 rounds.

- tuffy, University of Minnesota

I mean come on. Lets think about this for a minute.. Remember that disney(tm) cartoon about Midas? The boy sold his kingdom for a CHEESEBURGER! He gave up everything he owned because the fatso wanted a burger.. All Death has to do is whip out a big mac (tm) and Large Fry (tm) and midas will be begging for it.

- Nathan

Midas, ears trembling as he quakes in terror, quails beneath the empty gaze of the the Hound of Hades. As the Reaper prepares to bludgeon the old king to death with a folding aluminum chair, Midas tries to call out to the Lords and Ladies of Olympus, but he can't manage to croak out their impronouncable Greek names, and "Zeus" comes out like a sneeze, lost in the nerve-wracking screams that follow...

- Robert Crocombe

Brian stated that the Reaper "only had" the whole evil side of mythology on his side. Ghouls, goblins, orcs, and so on. However, he neglected to mention the fact that among the denizens of darkness includes none other than the Prince of Darkness.

I can see it now, our color person sitting in his seat ringside: "And the bell rings. Reap and Midas are circling one another, searching for the ideal attack. Midas jabs in, grabbing the robe and turning it gold. Reap charges! Midas jumps out of the way. Oh my goodness! Reap killed the ref!

"Wait... wait... what's this? Someone just entered from the back of the auditorium! Oh my God! It's the Prince of Darkness... yes, Satan himself is in our presence!

"He's going up to Midas, whose trembling in fear! Now look! Here comes Dionysus! Rushing down to protect Midas. They fight, gay god against prince of evil. Satan rushes and oooh! Dionysus is down. And oooh! Midas is down... and... oh no! He's coming this way! Oh nooo---"

Anyway, it is clear that Reaper has the living embodiment of evil on his side while Midas has some wimpy three thousand year old gods.

- R. Brian Clardy

If you were betting on this fight, there are only two sure things (Death and Taxes). But it will be over before you know it. King Midas realizes that the Grim Reaper has pestilence and plague as his weapons. Being no fool he turns to run away as the Hollies sing, "King Midas in Reverse." But wait, it is a technical knock-out, the competion is to see who will walk out alive. King Midas is obviously a mortal, granted one with special powers, but the Grim Reaper is already dead. Yes the judges rule that the Grim Reaper is death itself, so before a single blow can be thrown, it is all over and King Midas walks out with the victory. The crowd might have been disappointed by the quick match, but the Grim Reaper in his anger kills everyone is sight. I mean really what did you expect from someone who could be beaten by Bill and Ted?

- RalphMiner

Midas cannot loose to the Grim Reaper. Both are demi-gods. Midas cannot be killed until he is called from Mt. Olympus. Likewise, the Grim Reaper also cannot be killed. Most likely Midas' golden touch will be nullified by the nature of his opponent. However, their weights are so disparate, the Grim Reaper will take one hell of an ass whipping, (should Midas prefer), before he is finally pinned.

- Paul J. Breslin

The grim reaper is way cooler than some old greedy King any day. Whens the last time you ever saw someone wearing a t-shirt with King midas on it?

- Den

The way I see it Midas is a shoe in with this one, and stands to make a quick bundle. If its true that everything the king touches turns to gold then one good tag on the ol' reaper and he's through! So after the reapers done and purchased by Michael Jackson we're looking at about 2.5 million as the prize. That should encourage a few new applicants for Midas to brawl with. After this fight, let's see Midas take on an Alchemist and reverse engineer his butt.

- LNaud

P.S. I won a Toy Story CD-Rom from Disney today! The web really is cool!

Truly you have picked a paradoxial bout. I feel Midas would win. If Death swings his sickle or anything at King Midas it will turn to gold. But the gold will not stop there! Oh no!! It will continue on down Death's hand and turn him into gold as well. Midas' powers are clearly defined as "anything touching him or anything that is touched by him is turned to solid gold." This simple rule carries the weight of the match with it! Who is to decide where the gold-turning powers stop? In the legend, when Midas tried to eat, the food would turn to gold. Not just the outer layer of atoms, but the entire chicken leg. Death on the other hand has a far less powerful ability. He must be physically touching you in order to kill you.

Another example of a similar ability is seen in Clash of the Titans. When Perseus is going for Medusa's head some of Perseus' friends get turned to stone. Does Medusa's stone-turning powers stop at the troops' flesh? No, All of their person and belongings (sword, armor, ect.) are turned to stone. Again, what decides where the power stops??

Now, if you state that Midas' powers stop with the Object he is touching, then the best strategy for Midas is to turn Death's robe to gold. Presto! Instant 3 ton skintight prison cell! While Death is trapped in his own cloak Midas can come right up and crush Death's nose with the bell hammer. Thor himself would probably be jealous.

- George Lessmann

As for your outside influences, and imp or demon can throw fireballs, and since that's pure hellish energy, I doubt that it would turn to gold when it hit the king. Not to mention the fact that the olympians wouldn't come to Midas's aid, after all, their "touch-of-gold" wish was a curse! Midas doesn't even stand a chance.

- Aaron Petry, Ohio State University

Midas approaches the Reaper hesitantly, fearful of the dark powers that his enemy commands. The Reaper, meanwhile, just stands there, with the same mocking grin on his face. (Like he's capable of any other expressions!)

Feeling confident, Midas lashes out, turning the black shroud of the Reaper to solid gold. A second touch to the Reaper's face turns the skeleton to gold.

And thus does Midas doom himself.

The Reaper, you see, is a spirit. Though he must take a physical form to participate in this contest, he can abandon it at any time, and animate any other corpse to serve as his body.

There is a rumbling beneath the floorboards. Midas, jubilant in his perceived victory, looks down, fear crossing his handsome features. The floor bursts, and a skeletal figure rises. It is not the skeleton of a human, though, but of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Though the body has decayed, there are still shreds of purple fluff clinging to the bones. The Reaper has possessed the body of a former Grudge Match victim and a fellow servant of evil, Barney.

Though Midas has been out of touch, the aura of evil that surrounded Barney in life remains in death. (This aura is easily detected by most people over four years of age.) Petrified in horror, Midas can do nothing as the puny arms of the Tyrannosaur's skeleton reach out and touch him. The noble king falls to the floor, dead.

Thus, the Reaper wins the day. Fearing the wrath of the Olympians, the Grim Reaper flees, taking Barney's skeleton with him to the Nether Realms in the hope of resurrecting this fallen champion of darkness.

- Matthew L. Martin, University Center Rochester

The way I see it Midas doesn't GET the chance.

Let's "Pretend" Midas is transported to M.S.G. via Mr. Peabody and Sherman's time machine."Don't touch anything!"

Both fighters enter the ring(tm) and take their respective corners. While Midas sits, glaring at his opponnet, he doesn't realize screen legend Burgess Meridith and boxing guru Don King leaning over him to lend some words of wisdom. But, as in the past, the king's (Midas) lips are not fast enough. For Mr. Meridith's body, now solid gold, and upwards of a half ton, falls quickly on his lap. As Midas trys to free him self Don King's hair, like ten thousand golden daggers, comes crashing in. The last thing Midas see's is his opponnet laughing......

p.s.how could I recieve a copy of the WWWF Wrestlemanya(tm) Rulebook(tm)?

- Bill

Cascades of ambient noise flooded the stage as the audience settled into their seats. Most of the crowd were people who had gotten refunds for their Tyson-Spinks tickets. Hopefully, this match should last longer....

The referee, wearing gloves, held up each fighter's hand as his name was called, his left glove turning into gold as midas touched it. Then the fighters exercised the traditional Rocky-esque double fisted hitting of each other's hands and.....

A feeling of illease spread through the crowd. Only one fighter was standing, and the match hadn't even begun!!! A hush spread like a muted wildfire, and the referee, with an embarassed look on his face, declares a shiney new 14 karat death the winner (since I can see no reason that Death would be negatively affected by being Gold).

- El Squid, Lawrence University, Appleton, WI

Everybody knows the Reaper is slow. I mean, we've all seen how long it takes him to raise his finger of doom. Midas is quicker. The Reaper will never be able to touch Midas before the King siezes his golden opportunity and touches the Reaper's robe. Suddenly the robes turn to gold and imprison the Grim Guy within. Now Midas just has to wait it out until the Reaper starves, and being the bony badass that he is, he's got no fatty reserves. Of course, Midas can't eat anything either since his food all turns to gold, but he started off as a well fed member of the royalty whereas the Reaper's always been skin stretched over bones. A simple war of attrition and the Grim Reaper loses. But don't expect him to go quietly. I predict he'll be screaming for best two out of three.

- paTRICK heSTER

Whether he gets Midas in the ring or thirty years later, he'll win! Count on it! Look at the guy's track record.

- Marshall Layne, Northwestern University

Reaper wins. He's more mythical and an undead spirit. His sickle is probably magical in nature and can appear when the ref's back is turned. Unfortunately, he's distracted by Wacko Warner's meatball-eating habits and Midas pokes him. The golden touch doesn't affect him 'cuz he's ethereal in nature and is cheezed that Midas is annoying. Hack, slice. The end. Just in time for Grimmy's chess match!

- Noel Schornhorst, Savannah College of Art and Design, Savannah, GA

Matter exists on all planes. The only difference is whether it is on the standard physical, molecular or sub-atomic level. If any of you have read any of the "golden age" Flash comics, you will remember how he was able to affect things not near him by stimulating particles of air at the molecular level through vibrations. Midas, gifted with this power of molecular transformation could in theory, generate a path of "gold-charged" molecules to create a particle stream flowing towards the Reaper. This would grant him the ability to gild the air mass around the Reaper, and through his concentration push the molecular transformation inwards ultimately transforming the wraith to a glittering lawn ornament in the process-preserving him for all time. Because as you know, if you kill death, then nothing dies-so the solution is to neutralize him.

- Paul Cooper, Michigan State University

OK.....here's the deal.....who's going to STOP the Grim Reaper from bringing the sickel, or any weapon, into the ring. If the ref come up and tries to stop him, he'll touch him and there's no more ref. More and more refs come, more and more refs die. Soon...right after the Grim Reaper used Steve's sickel hurling idea to vanquish King Midas. Fines come to the Reaper from on high....so what does he do...kill them too! Now the athorities are involved. The grab him to bring him off to jail, and they die. soo, everyone is either dead or fearful to get involved....leaving the Grim Reaper totally vicotious over not just King Midas, but all others.

- Vinnie M., Seton Hall University

Man I'm jus' tired of the MAN bringing us down! Yeah a KING with all of his whoop-dee-do-royalty versus a reaper, a farming boy! You know, the working class! Yeah, let's show ol' fancy pants what the working class can do! This isn't about politics anymore, this is beyond supernatural versus mortal, this is the opressed wreaking revenge on the oppressors man! Yeah!

I'm going to take my prozac now...

- yves, University of Hawaii

Did King Midas eventually die? Yes, he did. The Reaper obviously beat him once. I think he can do it again.

- The Elder Dan

The golden boy will lose, for one simple fact: the rich guy is the bad guy. How can we ever forget the simple values that WWWF teaches us? If we did, our lives would make no sense.

("[King Midas has] got charm, talent, and most of all lots of money. Just look at the moves he's got." (Midas acts in some obnoxious distinctly non-red blooded-american/blue collar fashion, such as kissing his opponent or espousing communism, or gasp, being an academic)..."My goodness, will you look at that. Midas's Sleazy Manager(tm) Hermes the Trickster has distracted the referee! Midas has run into his corner, where Zeus is waiting! Oh my god, Zeus has passed Midas one of his Lightning Bolts(tm)! This is indeed an illegal object infraction!"..."Midas is drawing back to throw, oh my! Chronos has entered the ring! The Father of the Gods is pointing at Zeus, and saying something... we can't quite hear what it is... Zeus has grabbed Death's scythe! He's jumped Chronos, oh my lord! Zues has cut off Chronos' testicle! There appears to be something... no wait, it can't be! Someone has emerged from Chronos' severed testicle! This is certainly an exciting night for the WWWF!"

Midas slinks off and gets a career devaluating currency in third world nations. Death goes on to win the Interplanar Championship belt, only to lose it to Hephaestus.

-Chris

Death wins, he always wins in the end. But he will not win tonight.

King Midas will not die, because it is Not His Time. He is Fated (TM). He is fated either to starve to death or repent and be cured of his greed. He cannot die until then.

King Midas wins, because anytime you can walk away from Death, you win.

- Mark

Even assuming that Death can't wave his hand and say "well, you're dead now, so shut up", what is Midas going to do, turn him to gold? So what? He's now a golden Death, Death Deluxe, if you will. Since he's already dead, has no connective tissue, and is all bone, getting turned to gold would just give him a way to pick up babes. Death can also cheat. After all, who is going to tell Death that he can't use his scythe? A quick bony finger to the eye to incapacitate Midas, and the ref that intrudes has a sudden heart attack. Ohh, that had to hurt. Following up with a foreign object (the Scythe) is an easy matter when the replacement ref has a sudden lethal attack of hemorroids. (Quite rare, needless to say.)

Death in however long he cares to toy with his doomed adversary.

- Lord Axe, University of Wisconsin

There's a problem with your equation. If the mass of the suddenly golden sickle is increase by a factor of five, then you are right; it will deliver 5 times the energy after impact. BUT!!! This energy has to come from somewhere, and since it is Midas who supplied the mass increase, the engery must come from him to be conserved. Either he will have to weight less by the new weight of the sickle, or he will get colder, or he will loose motion, or he could cease glowing if he had been, or he could just re-appear closer to the center of the earth. Also, his caloric heat yield after burning could be less; in other words he would loose BTU's of chemical potential engery. Remember, no man is an island. But this doesn't affect the outcome.

- Chris Kote

Reaper, as we know, is a supernatural being. He is the embodiment of the universal force known as death. Midas is a bloke. He can be hurt by lots of things. 370 pound golden skeletons with attitude count in this category. Midas, being the hotheaded "Hey, I'm king" kinda guy that he is, will go for it straight away. Being coached by the Gods of Olympus doesn't in any way help him here.

Zeus: Well, Midas, once you've smited Death with your righteous wrath, go shag half the population of Olympus including your own daughter. Hey, it works for me.

Then, Reaper just touches him as hard as he can upside the head with a solid gold arm which will smash his skull and kill him.

Reaper then accidentally kills the replacement referee, when said ref hold his hand up high to announce the winner.

This one will not get a P.G. rating.

- Chris.

The Gods may have shaped the past, but Bill & Ted have shaped the future...now that's power! There is just no way that they'll let the Bass Player of "Wyld Stallions" (tm) be turned to gold, lead, or any other transition metal.

The way I see it, Midas will enter the ring, and prance around like the gold crusted idiot that he is. Bill & Ted will travel back in time, and set up some sort of heavy object like a tank or a sand bag or something above the ring. While the "good robot us's" (tm) keep Midas distracted, said heavy object will come crashing down on him, ending the fight before it begins. Come to think of it, they can make it even easier by just traveling back in time and giving Midas' dad a condom. Either way you look at it, Death doesn't even break a sweat. Death in negative minutes or negative centuries, your choice.

"You may be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the Reaper!"

- Dan Gardner

Hitting The Reaper with a solid gold microphone stand makes about as much sense as hitting the San Andreas Fault with a baseball bat and expecting an earthquake. The Reaper is DEAD! No amount of bashing will affect him because... he's CORPOREAL!

- Shane D. Harsch

Simple match: they can't touch, or it's a draw, they can't use weapons, since the ref won't allow it. Solution? Kill the ref. After that, it's a race for the weapon. Since standard pro-wrestling procedure has the Reaper's sickel at ringside, he'll grab that while Midas is busy asking his servants for a cheese grater. By the time Midas gets a weapon, the reaper is swinging at his head, and easily decapitates our unlucky king.

- J-Man

Midas enters the Ring. It instantly turns to gold, making those fake body slams more painful.

The Reaper now enters, and is asked by the official to discard his sickle. Grim, being an emotionless tool of evil, kills the ref with a quick swoop of his blade.

The match now begins in earnest. We know no touching EVER occurs in a wrestling match, so the two go about their fake head butts, knee drops, super-fly powerdives, whatever. Mr. Death, remembering that people are waiting to die, realizes that he has to go. He whacks the old king into oblivion with the sickle, and continues his ghostly chores around the world.

- Josh Kaplan, University of Michigan

I definitely think the Grim Reaper is gonna have a field day on Midas. For one Midas is only human, like it has been stated. Second..Midas may have all his little prissy boy redneck gods as friends..But Grim Reaper has a few immortal buddies too..Like Fate and War..Heck Fate alone can weigh out this match with a flick of her wrist. And if that doesn't work, Reaper's old army buddy, War, can drop a few bombs or something on Midas while some imps tell the ref his shoe is untied....The Grim Reaper has been around for a long time cuz he's a smart guy..He wouldn't come into this thing unprepared. There's my $.019926634526(my other penny chipped..)

- The Freak

The crowd goes nuts as Midas lunges at The Reaper, who dematerializes and appeares behind him. Midas, counting on Reaper to do that, back-flips and grabs the Reaper! THE CROWD GOES WILD! Suddenly the cheers die. They realize, as does the unfortunate Midas, just because the Reaper is gold doesn't mean he stops coming after you. Now that his bony knuckles are gold, the fists rip into Midas. Midas goes down in a heap as The Reaper bores into him. Suddenly the crowd goes berzerk, as the most famous King of them all jumps into the ring.

"Woah, you can't do that, to the King" he says in his familiar Memphis drawl, and smashes the Reaper in the face with his guitar.The Reaper is dazed as now Elvis is on the attck. He picks The Reaper up and flings him to the ground.The Reaper counters with a choke-hold, Elvis breaks and "DDT"(TM)'s The Reaper. The ref waves his arms frantically, as the doctors scrape Midas's remains off the mat. The fight goes to The Reaper.

"You Hound Dog of Hades, we'll meet again." Elvis croons as he vanishes in a explosion of satin and sequins.

- SalDAxe

How's Midas gonna get around in gold trunks? I don't think he'll be dancing around the ring. Death, on the other hand can make himself completely invisible, wander around the ring a few times as Midas frantically tries to adjust himself (ahem!) and figure out where Grim is at the same time. From this point on, Grim has no trouble piercing Midas in the temple with anything...a string, a hair, a shoelace...whatever, it'll turn to gold, slide through his flesh, and end Midas' reign.

- Angelo

As the two contestants start to circle each other, watching each other's hands carefully, Midas hears a voice in his mind.

Bill:  Totally, like, you can take him, major Gold Dude!
Ted:  Like, yeah!  Just do what we did when we faced the most bogus Grim
Reaper.
Midas(still circling death while listening to the voices in his head.):
 Who are you guys?
Bill and Ted: We are (electric guitar) Wild Stallions (TM)!

Midas listened to their plan. His muscles, hardened and increased from having to carry gold on his person for most of his life, spring into action. He dives beneath Death's robes, passing through his legs to the other side. He stands quickly behind the Grim Reaper, reaching for the Hound's of Hell's boxer shorts. He pulls hard, feeling his power working.

Death's boxers, now pulled into a killer Melvin, turn to gold. Death gives a cry of pain as he tries to pull the wedging golden shorts from his butt and now constricted gonads. His brain overloads from the pain, and he falls over, unconscious.

Midas puts his hands together from the cheers, as the crowd goes wild. "Midas, Midas, Midas!" They chant. Several of his groupies run forward, intent on giving him a special reward. Sadly, they all turn to gold as well, leaving Midas triumphant, but eternally frustrated.

- Dark Paladin

As the Reaper prepares his diabolical plan, Midas lunges across the ring and before the startled incarnation of death can react, the two will come into contact, causing paradox forces to come into play as the two innate powers collide. Midas, as we know, was given his gift by the immortal gods of Olympus, which have lain dormant for centuries, and have suffered greatly as of late at the hands of such atrocities as Clash of the Titans, various Hercules ripoffs, and the memorable Venus: Goddess of love with the always insipid Vanna White. The Grim Reapers powers are a bit harder to pin down. He isn't a mythic figure per se. He is more than a corporate icon a la Ronald MacDonald, yet less of a pervasive cultural construct like Santa Claus is, and thus dependant on the fickle whims of the populace.

It's a close call, but Bacchus was the deity who gave Midas his gift, and the power of booze is just as potent today as it was centuries ago. Eddie Campbell's comic, Bacchus, is also doing well. Good press is just what those cranky old Olympians need. Meanwhile, millions of Americans are tuned in to Melrose Place instead of the WWWF pay-per-view special - depriving the Reaper of valuable psychic allies. So Midas prevails, standing over the prostrate figure of his gilded foe... oblivious to the awesome forces that have come into play on his behalf.

- The labrat.

As Terry Pratchett rightly points out, The only ones who could ever see Death are Wizards, Witches, Cats, and those about to die. The King fits into only one of those categories, and it isn't the the first two, and he doesn't purr!

- Chris Dahl, Victoria, B.C. Canada

Think of how manic you would be if everyone you have contact with, dies. His severe state of depression renders him mute for just long enough for the golden gloved majesty to chalk up yet another trophy to add to his eccesive wealth.

- Star Bellied Sneech

H.P. Lovecraft - "That is not dead which can eternally lie, yet with strange eons, even death may die." ok, so death can die, but it would take eons, what's the length of a bout? time limits? Midas would die of old age and reaper wins by defaulT!!!!

- Dave and Lindsay

The deciding factor here is the ring girl. Before the first round, the bikini-clad bimbo "struts her stuff" with the round card. Death, who has no genitals, is not impressed. However, Midas, who hasn't been able to get any for quite some time because of his fondling problem, is easily excited. In an attempt to hide his embarrassment, he adjusts his shorts and turns his jock strap into gold. Because of the EXTREME discomfort, Midas is unable to continue and the Grim Reaper wins by default.

- Rob Sheppard

Solid Gold is soft, and while it would probably bruise GR, it would bend and break after a while. a Normal mic stand would be better.

- @midwest.net

This match has been a LONG time in the making. Believe it or not, the Grim Reaper has been ducking Midas for millenia. Think about it. Midas is a man out of Greek mythology. HE HAS TO BE AT LEAST 3000 YEARS OLD BY NOW! And I guarantee you that the king's long life has nothing to do with saying his prayers, eating his vegetables and/or taking his vitamins. The simple fact is that Death has been AFRAID to do the deed. And everybody knows that no matter what happens to Midas - be he ran over by a sixteen-wheeler, stuffed into a giant blender, jettisoned into space, exposed to a nuclear explosion, slashed in an attempt to return Nicole Brown Simpson's sunglasses and/or tested HIV-positive - he CAN'T DIE unless the Grim Reaper touches him.

When the Grim Reaper first came for the life of King Midas but just before he made contact, the king accidentally turned his daughter into gold. Grim suddenly realized that he could suffer the same fate as the young girl. Needless to say, the Reaper safely fled the scene. However, the trauma suffered caused all sorts of mental problems and strange behaviors. Starting with an understandable fear of visiting Greece or other places where Midas might show up, his mental health quickly worsened. Soon, he had a fear of anything gold or gold-like and avoided all form of popular media so he wouldn't be exposed to the Solid Gold Dancers, the movie Goldfinger or commercials for Golden Grahams or Rold-Gold Pretzels. He refused to eat because of the possibility of contamination by golden-delicious apples or Gold-Medal Flour, complicating his already severe anoxeria problem. Toward the end, he was in such bad shape that he lost to the mental midgets BILL AND TED in Twister because he tried to avoid gold circles.

Fortunately, there was help. After visiting Hippocrates, he was diagnosed with MIDS - Midas Incorrect Dogma Syndrome. After attending GA (Gold Anonymous), reading several pamphlets and watching a self-help video, he began to recognize the truth. As he had known, anything that Midas touches turns to gold; however, gold objects, whether or not created by Midas, have no such power. Thus, any clothing the king wears is harmless. Thus with his long-held preconceptions corrected, his mental health healed and his solid gold ribbon on his cloak, Death was finally able to complete his mission.

As he enters the ring with his sickle, the referee tries to physically remove the weapon and *accidentally* drops dead after touching the Reaper's hand. He then proceeds to chop Midas' head off. Then, with Midas unable to defend himself temporarily, Grim gives the king the finger on the bottom of his left wrestling boot. That's all the contact Death needs. With Midas dead, his powers are gone and Grim gets the one-two-three with the infamous but satisfying "finger-push" pin.

Now if he could only kill Golddust...

- Paul Golba

When tallying up the backup each contestant could count on, you left out an Important participant: The Reaper's twin brother, the Sandman, will be at ringside. Even Greek Gods have to sleep, so it will be impossible for anyone to interfere.

- CompuServer (tm)

Technically, under the following scenario, King Midas is disqualified, but since no one is around to call him on it, he wins by default:

Only possible outcome: Ref instructs combatants to shake hands and come out fighting. For obvious reasons, they cannot do this. Instead, King Midas, ever the soul of congeniality, tries to shake the hand of the ref. The ref balks at the proximity of the Golden King (see how many people get close to YOU after you stop brushing your teeth for 10,000 years because the damned golden toothbrush makes your gums bleed) and tries to back away. The ref trips and begins to fall. Ever the epitome of courtesy, both fighters reach for him...Midas gets there first, since forward-leaning-down motions tend to cause the reaper's hood to fall in front of his eye sockets. The ref instantly turns to gold, and thus the technical disqualification of King Midas. Subsection F, Part A, Paragraph II(c).3 of the Internal Revenue Code (ooops, the WWWF code) specifically prohibits contestants from turning refs into inanimate objects. However, the ref is unable to call the fight, because he would need a hydraulic pump to move his golden tongue up and down sufficiently to create understandable speech.

Sensing an advantage, the Grim Reaper turns to the side of the ring to retrieve the sickle which the ref has taken from him/her/it/polygenderic renderer of dirtnapitis. While the Gwim Weaper (this IS Elmer Fudd's week to do the play-by-play, isn't it?) is distracted, the King of soft, malleable metaldom furtively sneaks up behind the Reaper and touches his robe, which instantly turns to gold.

Hence, the King wins by default...he has rendered the Reaper permanently immobile, and eliminated the ref as well. It is a well-known fact that the doctors at the Walter Bethesda Naval Hospital (while examining the Reaper after a "near-miss" from autoerotic activities involving a noose, two Fig Newton cookies, and a Stanley tape measure) have determined that the Reaper could not move around at all (due to complete lack of muscular structure, tendons, or ligaments) if he wore anything heavier than his Lycra death-shroud (ponder THIS next time you're shopping for a pair of bike shorts: Lycra---official fabric of the Grim Reaper).

And that's it. That's how the King of Atomic Element #(insert correct number here) wins this classic grudge match...when staging the next event, keep in mind that Madison Square Garden will no longer be serviceable since no one will be able to move the Grim Reaper from his position in the ring. Perhaps we can all saunter over to the WWWF's gym (at Vvince MmcMmahon's house, isn't it?) to view the next bout.

The preceding has been brought to you by the Acccrow Sports Broadcasting Network. Any taping, or other rebroadcasting of this segment, without the express written consent....

- Dave

I voted for the Reaper because Midas can't even fix a damn muffler let alone beat the King of Death!

- Michael Young

I chose King Midas, partially because of the arguments offered by Steve and Brian, but also because of some other points they neglected to discuss. First of all, The Grim Reaper is not going to win. It is Wrestlemania, and King Midas is the pretty boy. The pretty boy always wins wrestling matches. Secondly, the Grim Reaper is beatable by mortals. Anyone you as watched Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey can attest to that fact. Easily said, King Midas is the obvious underdog in the eyes of any WWWF fan, but look for him to take out the Grim Reaper in golden victory.

- Brent Jacobsen

As the manifestation of an unavoidable fact of existence in the known universe, Death is probably immune to Midas's power, which presumably works on physical objects only. Could Midas turn Time to gold? Or Truth? You get the idea. Regardless, why would being turned to gold even slow G.R. down? What allows a loose collection of bones to function at all, and why wouldn't it animate golden bones just as easily? Midas will die. The Grim Reaper will, at worst, become a low more popular with (dead) chicks.

- RICHARD ENVY

I must admit, it was reaper all the way untill brian brought up the aid of the Gods. I mean shit, the reapers just a young punk compared to Hades and Zues. Lets forget about the no touchy rule and assume that the reaper is kicking Midas' ass. In typical wrestle mania fashion the gods would come huffing and puffing out of the tunnel. The reaper, suprised by the oncoming attack of these anchient warmongers, jumps out of the ring and through the stands to the nearest exit. Midas wins by default and once again gains enormous popularity. In the years to follow inflation hits the world in the form of a gold brick and mankind is forced to resort back to the days of yore, as animals on a planet that is ruled by many seemingly mortal Gods.

- Galileo

King Midas is truely a formidable opponent... when fighting a mere mortal. Unfortunately for Mr. Au, the Grim Reaper is no mere mortal.

Let's say that both combatants come out swinging, each landing a punch. BAM, Midas is already receiving his final judgement before his body even hits the canvas. But what about the Reaper? His pile of bones turns to gold. Does it matter? No.

A normal man has a lot of soft tissue such as ligaments, veins, muscles, and a brain. One touch from Midas and all of this turns into solid gold. Solid gold brain + = Death. The Reaper has no soft tissue to speak of. He is a spirit animating a pile of bones. When Midas touches him the bones become solid gold bones. The mechanics of his motion will remain the same due to his total lack of connective tissue at the joints. He'll still be able to walk and swing his sythe just as he did before except that now he'll be doing it with a golden smile. Now an animated corpse would have been a different story.

But what if the Reaper doesn't want to turn into gold? No problem. Remember, the Grim Reaper picks up extra cash around the holidays posing as the ghost of Christmas Future. As Ebeneezer Schrooge could tell you, spirits are capable of distorting space and time.

Because Midas is still just a mortal man, he will eventually die of natural causes. The Reaper could just distort time so that the WWWF grudge match takes place after Midas is already dead. The judges would have to rule in favor of a Reaper victory due to his opponent already being dead.

Any way you look at it, Midas dies.

- Rich Coughlan

Good grief! This is a throwback to the Jaws versus Flipper and Death Star versus Enterprise battles. If you keep setting up lopsided fights like this, you might as well go through with the Godzilla versus Bambi fight. Frank Bruno had a better chance against Tyson than King Midas does against the Grim Reaper.

Let's look at the facts, shall we? The Grim Reaper is feared by all. He's a supernatural being and his goal in "life" is to kill others. King Midas, on the other hand was a decent chap, a freak of nature who dramatically increases the market value of anything he touches. People suck up to Midas so they can get rich by cashing in some of his used Gold Kleenex(tm). Midas uses his powers carefully. Grim? He's a soulless killing machine.

The fight goes something like this: Midas realizes that his only hope is to transform Grim's cloak into solid gold, so the weight will crush that "bony bastard". Unfortunately Midas's strategy fails when Grim strips down to his Supernatural Spandex(tm). The combatants circle each other, dodging fingers as a panicky Midas tries to figure out how he can get the much calmer and confident Reaper. He considers turning the Wrastlin' Mat(tm) into gold, but he remembers his grade 10 physics class: gold is an excellent conductor. His plan would only create a feedback loop and kill Midas rather than Reaper. As he continues thinking, he suddenly keels over and starts going into convulsions. Midas looks up at the Grim Reaper and says his final words: "Not the mousse. *You* prepared the salmon mousse?" The Grim Reaper smiles and raises his arms in triumph and gets a congratulatory hug from his manager, Jack Kevorkian.

- HotBranch!

I voted for GR because a farm machine will beat a muffler any day. I also laughed myself silly when I saw the picture above your cool links link. I don't know what's so funny about it; I just know it's funny. In fact that little picture/caption is the funniest thing I have ever seen on the WWW. Good job!

- Kent Newsome

I might have voted for the Reaper, being more dangerous and better skilled, but I quickly reconsidered. Midas is, after all, a King, and he's not stupid. So he brings reinforcements. Namely Simon Belmont, professional Vampire Hunter. Harkening back to the classic days of 8-bit video game technology, one might recall that in order to reach Drac in any of his games, Simon first had to dispell the Reaper. And he did it rather effectively. Midas, being fair, offers the Reaper a chance to choose a partner of his own. Unfortunately, the Reaper's choice, Dracula, is unavailable for the Saturday morning fight, and the Reaper is on his own. Midas-Belmont in two rounds.

- King

I'd have to say that the Grim Reaper would have to win for the following reasons:

1) The Reapmeister has played this game before, and won. He's been through all that mumbo jumbo since the beginning of time. If anybody knows how to kill, it's the Reaper, sickle or no sickle. He won't beat around the bush, he'll just kill him and be done with it.

2) I don't care how long Midas has been wielding golden objects. It won't matter anyway, there won't be any time to touch anything but the canvas.

3) The gods won't back him up cuz it was his greed that got him this power in the first place. There has to be some moral to the story. There it is. Greed Kills Kings Dead.

- Marcus Turnbo

This match will boil down to who touches who first. In other words, who is quicker? My vote's with King Midas. True, the Reaper's strong in a wiry sort of way, and would kill (literally) most other opponents, but Midas is in much better shape. As one of the commentators noted, he's been swinging around solid gold objects (scepters, clothes, daughters) for quite awhile. Not only is he buff, he's quick as a cat.

Midas will have a problem evading Reaper's touch because Reaper's got a longer armspan. But with a quick feint, Midas should be able to lure Reaper in one direction, then dart underneath to grab Reap's ankle, turning ol' gloom and doom into one of the Solid Gold dancers.

King Midas will leave the ring to the sounds of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear the Reaper" booming over the Garden's P.A. One word of advice for the Golden Greek's fans--don't try to give him a high five as he leaves the arena.

Joe Wharton

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Death v. Taxes
Lucky the Leprechaun v. The Trix Rabbit
Forrest Gump v. Rainman