World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

The Date: June 24, 1998. The Location: The Delta Center, Salt Lake City, Utah. The Event: Game 7 of the NBA Finals between the Chicago Bulls and the Utah Jazz. The locker rooms and press booths are teeming with action. Something is amiss, however. Seems that ticket takers are being confronted with two kinds of tickets this evening...

As the players take the court for pre-game warm-ups, they notice a huge stage at one end of the floor. Curious, Michael Jordan (tm) heads over to see what's up, where he bumps into none other than Whitney Houston. Whitney explains to him that they're setting up for a concert for "Up With Chycks", a nationwide tour of music's hottest female pop stars. Michael explains that they're supposed to play the final and most important NBA game of the year.

Suddenly, the crowd starts getting restless. With the arena half-filled with crazed Jazz fans and half-filled with crazed "Chycks" fans, people have started figuring out that something has to give. And the 20,000 or so fans waiting outside aren't too happy either.

But since both parties did schedule the Delta Center for the same night, who should give in? It is quickly decided that a one-on-one fight at center court will decide who gets to stay. Whitney goes to her camp to pick the strongest among them. Michael goes to the two teams, where they decide on sending out their scariest.

The lights are cut, and into the spotlight at center court enter our two combatants. For the Bulls, clad in black leather tights, a white silk blouse, spiked heels and a pink feather boa stands Dennis Rodman. For the Chycks, decked out in a full sequined evening gown, also with spiked pumps, is RuPaul. So, Steve, who wins this nationally televised "cat" fight?

Dennis Rodman RuPaul Andre Charles

Dennis Rodman

vs.

RuPaul

The Commentary

STEVE: Is there really a contest at all here? Dennis Rodman will win this one in less time than it takes Michael Jordan (tm) to sell a Big Mac (tm). Let's just look at the facts. Dennis Rodman is a professional athlete, in tip-top shape. He works out regularly, both on and off the court. On the other hand, RuPaul is hardly what I'd call fit. I'm sorry, but Stairmasters (tm), Nordic Tracks (tm), and Buns of Steel (tm) videos are just not going to cut it. Rodman will so overpower RuPaul that (s)he will go crying back to her dressing room and pout. Either that or she'll get turned on.

And, of course, Rodman has experience beating up on defenseless people. Rodman's patented kick-to-the-groin which he used against that cameraman will easily apply to the situation here. RuPaul's only defense is his bizarreness. She's simply not used to getting into fights, because most people simply run away in fear at the sight of her. Obviously, Rodman will not fall under this category. He sees this "unique fashion" every morning in the bathroom mirror. And if not there, then possibly in the bed next to him in the form of Madonna. The end result is that the game will be played (on schedule even), and RuPaul goes back to entertaining the yuppies on VH1.

BRIAN: Steve, I am shocked that you would desecrate the Buns of Steel (tm)! Do you not comprehend their power? Thanks to the Buns of Steel (tm) video series, RuPaul rolls a Honda and plays workout tapes by Fonda, but RuPaul does have a motor in the back of her Honda. That's right, Steve: RuPaul got Back (tm). And with Back comes endurance, kicking power, and an all around 'tude, each superior to those of the relatively flat-bunned Rodman.

And let's not forget that Rodman cross-dresses merely to get attention and to make himself unique and marketable. Deep down, he's a basketball player first. RuPaul, on the other hand, means it. This is his life! This is what he does! And when put in a pressure situation, their true natures will come out. RuPaul will claw, kick, and scratch, while Rodman will do what he usually does when he gets hit: take a dive to try and draw the technical. As he hits the parquet, he'll look up for the ref who isn't there, and the crowd will cheer RuPaul as the victor!

And even if Rodman keeps pace, consider where this match is being held. Utah. What do they have in Utah? MORMONS! Clearly, these moral police will not stand for such a display in their capital, so they must intervene. But who shall they send? Why the most famous Mormons, of course: The Osmonds. Wanting to help his sister in music, the Soldier of Love (tm) blinds Rodman with his purple sequined socks and Dennis goes down. RuPaul ends it with a quickly placed spike to the locale that Rodman has become so famous for targeting.

STEVE: I have to differ with your Osmond analysis. Sure, they will send out Donny to stand up for the righteous, but he will go after RuPaul, not Rodman. After all, RuPaul is competition for Marie -- helping RuPaul is not going to help Marie in the slightest. Also, lest you forget, they love their sports in Utah. Basketball is big, and they're going to want to watch their game. They won't let anything stand in their way. And not only are sports big, but so is conservatism. I don't think a crowd in Utah is going to be very interested in an Up With Chycks (tm) rally. Bring on the game!

Just the other night I was watching TV and happened to catch both RuPaul (on VH1) and Rodman (on MTV). Now, it doesn't take a genius to realize that anything on MTV is going to destroy anything on VH1, and this match up is no exception. Let's compare: VH1 has shows featuring David Cassidy, MTV has shows featuring Jenny McCarthy. Verdict: MTV. VH1 has commericals with Ms. Piggy selling potato chips, MTV has commercials with psycho skateboarders and skydivers who drink Mountain Dew (tm) by the gallon. Verdict: MTV. I could go on and on with numerous examples. The point is that MTV rocks, and that anything on it will always be victorious over the thirtysomething-targetted programming on VH1^*.

Finally, for the record, I would like to point out that after watching RuPaul on TV (I watched for almost an entire minute in the interest of writing this commentary before the pain became unbearable), I have to say that he really is a big sissy. I daresay he would be more of a match for Gilligan or PeeWee.

BRIAN: Oh, you betray yourself, Steve. Have your ethical standards sunk so low that you will utter ANYTHING in order to justify your deranged points of view? If you claim that VH1 is weakened by showing Ms. Piggy commericals, then what of the "powerful Muppet Mystique (tm) factor" you speak of in Alf v. ET? This powerful mystique is surely enough to overpower anything mustered up by those directionless, Dew (tm) slammin', angst spewin', whiny song listenin', knee pad wearin' idiots that give our generation a bad name. And if you want further proof that VH1 is, in fact, superior to MTV: VH1 shows videos. The last time MTV showed a video, I was in junior high and Duran Duran still rocked.

But let's get back to the subject, shall we? Let's look at how well these two divas are trained for this fight. RuPaul has got some incredible experience from her Up With Chycks (tm) tour: fighting with the Indigo Girls for dates, boxing out Wynnona for mirror space, bitch-slapping Debbie Gibson on a daily basis just 'cause he can. Who has Rodman gone up against and won? Frank Brickowski? Hardly an impressive, resume, Steve. And all of his battles are waged in high tops. When it comes to high heels, Rodman won't have the experience or the maneuverability that RuPaul will have. Being a full-time drag queen and not a mere side show freak, RuPaul's extra long heels will be second nature, and he will dance circles around the stumbling Rodman.

^* The opinions presented here do not necessarily reflect those of Steve, Brian, WWWF, or its parent company Allied Silicone Incorporated or its subsidiaries.

Thanks to Sean "Gui" McGuire of the University of Minnesota
and Dan Hartnett of Wabash College for suggesting this "cat fight".

The Results

Dennis Rodman (1140)

kicks

RuPaul (578)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

I read somewhere that to prepare for his role, RuPaul engages in... how shall I say this... tucking.

This means that Dennis can rev up his foot and try to ring the doorbell with all his might, but there ain't nobody home. There ain't no "pick" to pick and roll.

Etcetera.

While Rodman pokes away aimlessly at the gone gonads, RuPaul has an obvious choice of attack point.

Two words: Nipple ring.

- Thinkmaster General

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Plain and simple: Dennis Rodman nails 7" basket ball players with his deadly elbows, kicks, and punches and makes them weep like a little girl. RuPaul nails Elton John and makes him giggle like a little girl.

- Baron Samedi

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

I don't even think there will be a fight. I'll give anyone 100 to one odds that Dennis shows up in a wedding dress, and he and RuPaul get married to promote both his book and her show. After Dennis kicks the priest in the groin after mistaking the bible he was holding for a camera, the new lovebirds go off to some suitable bizarre place and live a happy existance as man and husband/wife.

But, if they really must fight and break up one of the couples of the century(tm), then I'll have to vote for Rodman. He survived Madonna for christ sakes...

- El Squid De La Munchies

It's simple: Rodman is a pretty poor attempt at a transvestite, whereas RuPaul was conivncing enough to fool even the most discerning expert in the field. ("That's a guy, Beavis!" "No way!")

What does this mean? Well, it means RuPaul, to better resemble a woman, has little sissy girly arms. Rodman, though, has a manly physique that doesn't fool anyone for a minute. Not that I consider a womanly body incapable of beating a manly body, but I do expect a manly athelete to beat the tar out of a womanly singer. (If this were Right Said Fred vs. Rodman, or Rodman vs. uh...some women's volleyball player, though, he'd be in trouble.)

So Rodman will whale on RuPaul, RuPaul will stay true to "character" and offer a poor retaliation, at which point Rodman will go in for the kill. Fortunately for us all, the resulting death and murder charges have a bright side in the eradication of two of the most annoying figures in 90s pop culture.

- Jim Smith

This match is very simple. You see, I'm from Chicago, so information about Dennis Rodman is my forte (and I'm not happy at all about it...). As you may or may not know, Rodman married himself not too long ago in a highly public ceremony. Hence, he counts as two people. While alone he could take RuPaul with one elegantly manicured hand tied behind his back with a silk scarf, a pair of Dennis Rodmans will open up a TallBoy Can O' WhoopAss (tm) on RuPaul. Game over.

- Thomas Wilde

RuPaul all the way baby! Simply put: both Dennis and Ru have 'tude, but Ru's tude is more manic, while Dennis' is depressive. If things fail to go his way, Dennis will sulk and pretend that the outcome doesn't matter to him, and probably demand to be traded to the chycks anyway. In addition, RuPaul will be aided by superior fashion sense: Dennis wears those U-G-L-Y new "Back In Ball" Converse (tm), which, while they have debatable basketball purpose, cannot match RuPaul's size 12 stiletto heels as a weapon of foot-driven destruction. Whitney will be belting out "I Will Always Love You" (tm) while Michael Jordon (tm) and John Stockton are out in the parking lot complaining about how hard it is to get a beer in Salt Lake City.

- Josh Fruhlinger, with too much free time on his hands

As I non-American I hardly know anything about Dennis Rodman. What little I do know consists of a guy who appeared naked on his own book cover (or was that in a wedding dress?), washes his hair in the outflow from the Pastel factory, regularly milks penalties and has no regrets about making fellow players wear their balls as earrings.

The man obviously loves the cameras. Therefore, the showdown never happens. 2000 waiting paparazzi invade the court, snapping everything in sight. The reflected light form her (?) sequinned dress blinds RuPaul, causing her to trip and impale herself on her spiked shoes. Dennis Rodman's similarly-attired fans stampede onto the court and he wins hands down.

- Humperdinck

It's fifteen rounds of pantyhose wearing, groin-kicking, makeup-endorsing mayhem!!! I look for Dennis Rodman to take this one. Unlike RuPaul, he's never done a duet with Elton John, and thats gotta be a plus. I figure, Rodman is the transvestite's tranvestite. RuPaul is just some, ahem, person, doing what comes naturally. But Rodamn puts out that little extra effort to have his hair look it's yellowest. Plus, Dame Edna, as we all know, has a deep seated-hatred for RuPaul, as they had an argument over Tim Currie's legs in the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

- 1/2 Nelson

Just pondering this match makes my stomach turn. I have looked at it from all angles but I fear this match is going to break down into the most demeaning public sexual displays of all time. Offending not only the Mormans, but the entire human race. This could be a 15 game suspension with counselling, (as long as ticket sales don't drop off).

There is no motivation on either side. Rodman doesn't care about basketball, RuPaul likes men and women.
I see no Rage(tm)
No intellect to overwhelm the other.
Height/Weight/Reach all cancel out.
Both have equal amount of Testosterone & Estrogen.
Neither have any friends to help them out.
Both are equally deranged and wealthy.

The contestants enter the ring, stare into each others eyes, run to each other, embrace ...

I picked Rodman because I think he'll be on top.

- Gladi8r

As much as I disagree with Rodman's techniques, I despise RuPaul even more...Here's da deal...

After squaring off in the center, they size each other up...Rodman can't help but be impressed with RuPaul's formal wear, and asked where he got it. RuPaul and Rodman start discussing female fashion, and chat amiably for a while...The crowd get restless, but the two flamboyant crossdressers don't notice. When the crowd starts shouting for blood, Rodman goes for the killing blow.

Using his patented move (at least, it certainly looks that way), Rodman gives RuPaul the biggest kick where the sun will never shine of Rodman's career. RuPaul goes down, and most likely out...

RuPaul uses the injury to his advantage, and becomes a better soprano than ever before. He and Tiny Tim (using modern recording technology to dub RuPaul in) sing a Grammy-winning version of "Tiptoe Through The Tulips."

- Vlad (Elton John's new duet partner)

Rodman goes for the only move he knows--the groin kick. It has absolutely no effect because, well, you know... RuPaul responds with a sache-style hip check, flooring his/her/its opponent. Rodman falls back, remembers his one other move from a year ago, and applies a head-butt.

Without realizing it, Dennis has stumbled onto a secret weapon. The contact of his hair dye and RuPaul's makeup create a substance with pH balance far below the tolerance of human skin. We already know that Rodman is immune to such an acid from photographs (like the one on this Grudge Match). I'm pretty sure that his immunity is related to the tatto dye in his bloodstream, but that's irrelevant. RuPaul runs away in a teary mess back to basic-cable obscurity as Rodman struts off thinking that he actually learned something while making that movie with Van Damme.

- Phil

RuPaul by forfeit.

First, if Game 7 is being played in Utah, something is wrong, and it is probably Rodman's fault. Next, Dennis will begin crying when he sees how much better RuPaul dresses. Through the tears, he will notice RuPaul's cleavage and hairdo. Mr. Rodman realizes he's an abject failure as a cross-dresser, and heads out to San Francisco for lessons.

- Joe Louderback

I have to go with Rodman on this one. But being from Utah, I know for a fact that this scenario will never fly. In the first place, the State of Utah would never allow a concert called "Up with chycks". In the second place, the only reason that Rodman is allowed in Utah is because he can play ball, RuPaul would be stopped at the airport and sent wherever the hell she/he comes from. And thirdly, Utah residents are allowed to carry concealed weapons and I'm afraid if there was a cat fight they would both be shot by hundreds of Mormon Jazz fans waiting to watch the game appalled by two men dressed as women. Although being a ball player, Rodman may come out of the crossfire in one piece so that the ballbame can continue and the Jazz could kick some serious butt!

- Jazz Fan

As much as I would like to consider the possibility of these two individuals touching, grabbing and hitting each other (YUCK!), it is all irrelevant. The deciding factor is beyond the control of either of them. You can't stop Michael Jordan (tm), you can only hope to contain him. When it comes to basketball, Jordan can't be stopped by anything including the NBA, the too rough New York Knicks, overexposure, his ridiculous cologne commercials, dropping $50,000 at Atlantic City, playing third base in AA for the White Sox or competeing against giant WB animated space aliens. If he wants this game to be played, it will be played. So, as the two combatants circle each other, Jordan decides to shoot around. As the camera is put in his direction for a reaction shot, Michael proclaims "Hook shot, off the backboard, off the scorer's table, thru Gate 6, off the ramp, thru the men's bathroom door, off the third stall, into the air vents, into the press booth, off Bill Walton's face, thru the window, off Spike Lee's head, off the hanging Nike sign, two bounces, nothing but net." He then executes the shot to perfection except for failing to mention the sign would be jarred loose and fall on Rupaul's head. Rodman takes the opportunity to finish his semi-conscious opponent in typical style with a head butt, a kick to the groin and a spit to the face. Silence overcomes the crowd until Spike Lee, who thinks he's doing a Nike commercial after the knock on the head, runs out on the court and shouts "MAN, IT'S GOTTA BE THE SHOES!" The crowd goes wild. The Bulls then proceed to humiliate the Utah Jazz 186-42 with Jordan scoring 107 despite sitting out the entire second half.

- Paul "Like To Be Like Mike" Golba

It's not much of a contest, once the two of them get out there they're going to start hitting on each other and I don't mean throwing punches. If they do fight (Rodman really wants to hurt someone on the other team) Dennis Rodman will win, RuPaul will just be confused and not have chance to do anything before a severe hit to his midsection lays him out until after the Bulls game.

- Robby Fuller

I agree with the view that Buns of Steel(tm) is going to give Rupaul the victory. Ever seen Cynthia Rothrock, Karate champ? Just pure butt power behind all those fancy kicks. I could go on about the incredible hiney's behind the great women of our time; I myself have delved deep into the subculture of mighty buns (not Rupaul's). Rodman is only a false premadonna with showmanship. When push comes to shove Rupaul will show the world what, uh well, she's made of.

- Bobarella

I had to vote for both of them. I realise that is cheating, but I had no choice. The reason: when these two see each other, the music will come up and they will fall into each other's arms, lost in love for all time. They will be making out in a matter of seconds.

- Yak

Its RuPaul in a squeaker. RuPaul is the comsumate female impersonator. So, much that Dennis R. believes, for a second or so, that there is a outstandingly proportioned woman who happens to be almost 7 ft tall. RuPaul bends over to adjust her hose. Rodman sneaks a peek into the pseudocleavage, and, distracted by artificial deep-dish chimichangas, doesn't notice the high-heel kick, powered by Back (tm), that nails him in the testosterone zone, laying him out like a sledgehammered steer. The Chyck's show goes on and Rodman is comforted by Elton John, who is in delight since he likes both chromosome styles.

RuPaul, RuPaul's dress, ersatz decolletage, and an emasculating kick win!

- Cerberus

Are you crazy, girl!? How can you come out here in front of all these people dressed like that? If fashion was shit, you'd be smellin' pretty good.

You should talk about smell! I spend every night in a room full of big, sweaty guys and the smell coming off of you would knock out the lot of 'em.

You are impossible! Why don't you just shag your ass out of here while you still can, Rodboy?

We'll see who shags who's ass, you bride of Frankenstein.

(SLAP)
Stop that. Stop that! STOP THAT! You have ruined my mascara!

I'm gonna ruin more than that. They're gonna call you Ruined Paul.

This just isn't working out! Where's my agent? I'm going back to my trailer!

Bulls trash the Jazz just as quickly. Highlights at 11:00.

- Keith Oberman

To quote the Nazi agent from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

"Shoot them, shoot them both."

- Tom Landers

First, Dennis would feint to the right, sobbing about some bad sexual escapade with Charles Nelson Riley, and then quickly move in for a swift kick to the crotch. RuPaul, who must've been watching Rodman's appearance on Oprah, easily anticipates this move, and shimmys to the side, dodging Rodman's shoe. Ru counterattacks by flinging one of his/her stylish Italian pumps into Rodman's forehead, stunning him temporarily. RuPaul then proceeds to "Shantay" all over Rodman's happy ass.

RuPaul in 1. Rodman's an act.

- EricG

It is true that Dennis gets in more fights, but look at them. He runs into a cameraman, kicks him, and runs away. When was the last time you saw RuPaul not be aggressive on a talk show?

- DICK

Brian was correct about the Mormans being a factor, but not in the way that he put it:

1.Dennis Rodman and RuPaul meet in the center.
2.The fight commences.
3.Suddenly, Steve Young (TM) walks out onto the court.
4.Steve Young (Who works a lot harder than Rodman, Steve Levine) proceeds to beat the shit out of Dennis for bringing a bad name to professonal sports.

However, due to the appearence of a pro football superstar, the crowd all of a sudden no longer wants to see a concert. It is cancelled for an Arena Football (TM) game.

It's like putting a football in a blender. (TM)

- Nathan (No I'm not a 49er fan, I like the Dolphins, but Dan Marino isn't Morman) of Borg

Rodman over Ru, hands down..!
Rodman's the man!
Well, Ru Paul, is, er, a man..as well..
But what I mean to say is, that Dennis is THE man..well, maybe not THE man but in light of Ru Paul being, er, of natural male alignment, but lacking the qualities neccessary to be THE man, Dennis Rodman obviously deserves to be THE man, though he does not exactly uphold "all that is male"..So, Rodman is the... man..uh, was I supposed to vote on something..?

- GravyLad

Well, considering all the game suspensions that Rodman (sm) has, it wouldn't be too surprising if he can't show up because a suspension for kicking a nun or something.

- MK

RuPaul and Rodman touch opera-length white gloves at center court, but the fight never begins. In a flash of fire, the Delta Center explodes, wiping the combatants, their teammates and soul sisters, and all their fans off the face of the Earth. Anyone who had survived the blast, or the ensuing hail of falling brimstone that scorched half of Utah, would have heard a voice sound like thunder from the clouds above.

"Well, that kills 40,002 birds with one stone. Transvestites and polygamists: they never learn. Too bad about Jordan, but that's the wrath of Me for you. Okay, on to D.C. That'll do for Gomorrah."

And back at NBC Studios in New York, Marv Albert is heard to say, "YES! And it counts!"

- Call me Shane

1) Dennis Rodman HATES to lose (Cf. Detroit and Chicago--why do you think he left San Antonio? All right, maybe the Pizza Hut commercials DID play a part . . .) and will not let himself lose EVER--let alone to a transvestite other than Madonna.

2) Dennis Rodman spent a long time in Detroit with Rick Mahorn and Bill Laimbeer--the BADDEST of the Bad Boys. He knows how fight, and what's more, he knows how to fight dirty.

- Kevin Cherry

Yuck.

- Joe Valenzuela

Dennis Rodman is a professional athlete. He is also very aggressive and has a background in martial arts. The only thing that RuPaul has going for her/him is that maybe Rodman would have second thoughts about pummeling such a pretty face! But more likely he'll be coached to violence by his teammates - "RuPaul said your nick-name is worm because you're not well hung!" - and he'll have as much mercy as a rabid wolverine.

- Jappy

Rodman has [joined] a professional WRESTLING organization. This proves that he is unable to actually win a REAL fight. The media pretends that it was set up this way , and plays it as satire. In the end, it doesn't matter who wins, as both of these characters are destined to lose in the end- no one will watch. The fans all get refunds, and the theatre loses it's customers.

- Michael Moon

The real winner?
Clairol.

- Budo

It seems that the basis for Rodman's winning is the pattented Kick to the Groin (tm). But RuPaul wears long, tight dresses, sequined so as to form a sort of armor plating. Rodman might plant his foot between RuPaul's, but when he attempts to bring it up, it is quite possible that the serrated edge of the sequined dress will slice off his foot at the ankle. While Rodman lays on the floor, bleeding, RuPaul can take one of those deadly stilletto heels and go in for the kill.

- Romie

What this match boils down to is what *every* Grudge Match (TM) (member FDIC) bolis down to: the Rage(TM). At first glance, Mr. Pumped-up T-foul rainbow-head burger-dripping camera-man-kicker might seem to have the fabled Rage, but not so! Rodman has 'Tude (tm), a powerful weapon to be sure but nothing in the face of true "R". RuPaul has so much Rage it's a wonder s/he doesn't explode like the Death Star (tm) in that old obscure '70s flick with Mark Hammil. Now you guys don't know this, because we Chycks go to a lot of trouble to keep it from you, but a LOT of effort goes into maintaining the Feminine Mystique(tm). I'm not going to give away any trade secrets here in the WWWF but let's just say that when you spend an entire morning washing, brushing, plucking, depilatorizing, waxing, coloring, gelling, blushing, etc. etc. etc., (tm) only to have the yahoo you live with tell you "gee honey you look beautiful just as you are"...you know rage. And RuPaul not only does all that, he does it with a big ol' hairy GUY body. Oh, RuPaul knows the Rage. RuPaul IS the Rage!

- Coyote (pressed for time)

Rodman is going to kick RuPaul's Star Spangled Ass. RuPaul is a cross dresser. Rodman is a seriously deranged individual who changes his hair faster than Lucky Charms can add extra marshmellows. RuPaul is weird, Rodman is a violent individual. He's castrated cameramen with his sneakers, headbutted NBA giants, and covered Magic Johnson tighter than the Nanny's leopard print leotards. RuPaul's gonna need rabies shots after this tanglement.

- The Other White Meat

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