June 23, 1999 - Missoula, Montana. The celebrations surrounding the landmark deal announcing the formation of the Free Republic of Montana are just coming to a crescendo. Playing at the Missoula Festival Grounds is the new nation's official band, GWAR. Close to 100,000 fans of the band have come to Missoula to renounce their previous citizenship and swear allegiance to the land formerly known as the Treasure State. Members of various militia groups are providing security for the concert, and on stage, GWAR winds up their set by spewing roughly 2,000 gallons of simulated raw sewage on to the crowd. A massive cheer erupts.
Oderous Urungus takes the microphone and addresses the crowd. "Greetings, free Citizens of Montana! How are you this fine day?". There arises a bellow of approval from the audience. "Well, it's time for the first ritual sacrifice in our nation's history! A couple of our fellow musical acts upon whom GWAR shows disfavor were trapped in Montana when the Second Declaration of Independence was levied by our founding fathers." Urungus gestures to a knot of inbred militia members. "In accordance with our newly accepted legal code, GWAR, as ultimate adjudicators of the realm, deem it worthy that one of them shall go free... and one shall perish.... We shall have them each perform a twenty-minute set, following which a voice vote will be held to determine the victor. Bring out the contestants!"
A group of six men are pushed into view from Stage Right. Among their numbers: a policeman, an indian chief, a biker, a G.I., a construction worker, and a cowboy. From the opposite side of the stage, five women huddle - Posh, Baby, Scary and Sporty Spice, along with Ginger Spice, who was in town to negotiate a legal settlement with the remaining Spice Girls. It seems the Spice Girls reunion is on for one last command performance.
So John, which group will grow the gorge of GWAR fans more greatly - the gay Greenwich guys or the "girlpower"-giggling glamsters?
JOHN: Well, Joe, when it comes to this matchup of 70s vs. 90s prefabricated entertainment, bet your Dr. Pepper shares on the Greenwichers.
The principal argument for favouring the Village People in this contest is, in fact, the black hole of entertainment known as the Spice Girls. Actually, that's not quite true, because while they are indeed incredibly dense and allow no entertainment to escape, they do issue forth periodic bursts of inanities. (I guess that makes them entertainment pulsars.) I mean really. "Too much of something is never enough"? A logical impossibility! "Will this deja vu never end?" Good question, Freud. Now go back to sleep.
Or how about this gem:
Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want So tell me what you want, what you really really want I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want So tell me what you want, what you really really want I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really....
Ah, forget it already. I lost interest. And so will most GWAR fans - you don't see many 8 year old girls at these events chaining themselves to the Sexecutioner™. This ain't these chicks' demographic.
OTOH, let's face it - the entertainment power of the Village People is so strong that they were actually able to pass the most gruelling test of stardom known to humanity - they survived being in a movie with Steve "the career destroyer" Guttenberg! And, unlike the Spice Girls, the Village People actually give real information that GWAR fans can use - yes, it's fun to stay at the YMCA (and cost-effective when staying abroad)! Yes, if you join the navy, you can sail the seven seas (and learn valuable skills in the bargain)! After twenty minutes of droppin' knowledge, the Villagers send the GWAR fans home with a smile on their face, a beat in their hearts, and small chunks of roasted Spice Girl on a stick (the preferred method for execution in Montana).
So slip on your boogie shoes, Joe, slap on your best poly-cotton duds, and pop in that 8-track. The Village People are gonna Ease us all On Down The Road™.
JOE: You know, John, even with all your fancy talk about logical impossibilities and pulsars and the like, you and your thesaurus seem to be missing the point. I know the Spice Girls have no talent. So does everyone else on the planet. Everyone also knows that the Village People have no talent. They are both really really crappy musical acts.
The one thing that sets both of these groups apart, and also the one thing that will allow the Spice Girls to crush those little happy homos into a bloody pulp, is the fact that the Spice Girls are really hot chicks. (!) Every male between the ages of five and dead watches MTV all day long in the hopes that they can watch a Spice Girls video with the mute button on. No one cares what the Spice Girls really really want, they just want to see the girls' breasts bounce up and down, and frankly, the Village People just don't have that sex appeal going for them.
Let's think about who is going to be at this here little shindig in Montana.
Fact: The Montana Militia is providing security.
Conclusion: The militia is made up of two kinds of people. The first are psychotic males who have too much sexual frustration at not getting laid
in their entire miserable lives so they join a militia so they can kill
people. The second kind are butch dykes who want to prove to the world
they can slaughter nazis just as well as men can. Looks like the Spice
Girls capture this audience.
Fact: GWAR is performing.
Conclusion: GWAR fans are made up of two kinds of people. The first are psychotic males who have too much sexual frustration at not getting laid
in their entire miserable lives so they go to the GWAR concert and listen to
the lead singer growl about his twelve inch cock. The second kind are
hopeless nymphomaniacs who are a bit taken with the lead singer. The Spice
Girls again get the guys, although the nympho crowd will probably split their
votes between the two bands due to orgy possibilities.
Fact: This is taking place in Montana.
Conclusion: Montana is the #1 place to live for 7'2" hermits with two foot beards who like to kidnap seven year old girls and take them home to their
cave and watch them undress all the way down to their G.I. Jane underwear.
Since the Spice Girls look more like seven year old girls than the Village
People do ('specially the cute little blonde one), they will capture this
section of the vote as well.
The only people left in the crowd besides these groups are a few punkers who heard there was some lame music coming to town and are just here to sell some crack to the fans.
Also, just as a side thought, are you sure the Village People survived Steve "the career destroyer" Guttenberg? I mean, how many other movies have you seen the Village People in? On the other hand, the Spice Girls got their OWN movie, and they got Richard E. Grant to star in it, too!
JOHN: Oh! Well! Richard E. Grant! I was starting to doze off there watching you waste unbelievable amounts of bandwidth, but the star power of Richard E. Grant snapped me back wide awake. Richard E. Grant! The same Richard E. Grant of Hudson Hawk! The same Richard E. Grant of Pret a Porter! I beg your forgiveness.
Look, this is something that needs to be said and said now. Speaking on behalf of all psychotic males who have too much sexual frustration at not getting laid in their whole lives, I have to tell you this: the Spice Girls... are... Fugly™. I mean, I haven't been laid in generations and if it's between these chicks and abstinence, I'm all for "dating the hand", if you know what I mean. For starters, let's talk dentistry. Plus, what with Slymenstra Hymen of GWAR up there on the same stage (Yowza!™), these chicks are gonna look like the sacks of mouldy bread that were the original inspiration for the Spice Girls.
But even if you still think they are attractive (Jesus, Joe, what kind of women do you have down there in New Mexico? Have you learned to distinguish them from livestock yet?), any residual attraction will vanish the second they open their mouths. You know... yakkety yakkety yakkety "gullpowah!" If you've got a TV set with great resolution that won't stop emitting a high-pitched whine, you throw the fricking thing away! There ain't no mute button in real life, Joey-Joe-Joe Jr. Shabadoo. Halfway through "The Lady is a Vamp", the crowd decides that it's time to do the right thing and put Old Yeller to sleep.
As for the Militia members being attracted to women, don't be silly. They are much more into inbreeding and goats, and.... all right, so score one for the Spice Girls.
And for your doubts about the Village People's appeal and longevity, a couple of years ago, I turned on the Republican National Convention and saw delegates dancing to "YMCA". If Steve Guttenberg can't ruin the Village People for Jesse Helms and Dan Quayle, frankly, they're unstoppable.
Before the day is over, the citizens of Montana manage to accomplish what no other nation in the world has done - SHUT THE SPICE GIRLS THE HELL UP! For this, a grateful world awards Montana a permanent seat on the Security Council of the United Nations.
Attention all 8-year old girls: Please direct hate mail to tmg@grudge-match.com. We will collect the most vitriolic responses for publication at a later date.
JOE: Can't distinguish New Mexican women from livestock!!! Quiet down, will ya, you're hurting Elsie's feelings! And how can you not acknowledge Richard E. Grant as one of the greatest actors of our time? Did you NOT see Warlock? The guy is the epitome of coolness!
How can you say the Spice Girls are ugly? Is this one of those Canadian things? I take it they don't wear enough whale skins for ya? Well, down here in New Mexico (and the rest of the Third World, I might add) we all think the Spice Girls are just the sexiest things since nipple rings. Yes, they might have bad teeth, but have you ever met anyone from England who didn't have bad teeth? It's every Brit's defining quality!
Also, just because the Spice Girls happen to also shriek like castrated hyenas, they won't lose any popularity in Montana. The crowd will be so entranced by the way they shake their respective tooshes that the high pitched yodelling will become nothing more than background noise.
I cannot believe you are backing up the Village People's longevity by saying the REPUBLICANS are dancing to their music. Oh my God, Dan Quayle is dancing to their music and I'm not. What on earth could I possibly be thinking. Man, I would give ANYTHING to be like Dan Quayle! I better go out and buy the CD right NOW!!!!
And another thing! Why do you get to be the complaint department for eight year old girls? Why can't I ever get a cool department like that? From here on in, I am declaring myself to be the curator of the Montana Mountainmen seven-year old girl underwear division of the WWWF Grudge Match. Attention bearded mountainmen, please send all of your stolen underwear to:
WWWF Grudge Match Psycho Division
C/O Rev. Joe W.
New Mexico State University
Las Cruces, NM 88003
Last but not least, John, I'd give you a high-five for an well done match, except I make it a point never to touch another man's girlfriend. I hope you and your hand have a wonderful life together.
P.S., Elsie says, "Moo."
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But, remember that all of these fans have chosen to join the Free Republic of Montana, and they probably did so not for the free GWAR ("Grannies With Attitude Reactions"?) concert. They did so because they thought the U.S. gub'mint is infringing on Americans' rights. Even if they're playing with only 47 (or maybe 57) cards, these Montanan citizens are distinguished in their PATRIOTISM. And, if someone has patriotism strong enough to rebel against his/her own national government and set up a more local one, does that sound like the profile of someone who would favor a United Kingdom band over an American band? There's no way a British Invasion group would win - fans will see past the Spice Girls' sex appeal when their fellow citizens warn them that the Girls are really a secret weapon of the United Nations, meant to win over American sympathy and pave the way for the New World Order. On the other hand, the Village People have been around for decades; annoying or not, they have become American fixtures, just like ding-a-ling ice-cream trucks and postal-rate hikes. Perhaps GWAR stands for "Gays Win, Adolescents Roast."
- Matt Bricker
Young man, If you like violence and gore, I said, young man and stage full of whores, you can watch them But prepare for a shock, They are banking in on this schlock. Hey there, If you're fond of fake blood, They'll come your way, with their mouths spewing crud You can't stop them no matter how hard you try, They will slice a knife through your eye <SQUEAK> <SQUEAK> <SQUEAK> It's fun to jam with the G.....W.....A.....R It's cool to rock with the G....W.....A.....R You can be a sex slave You can hack out your brain Soon you will feel no pain......The Spice Girls, on the other hand, don't have the creativity necessary to appeal to the violent mob with a new rendition, eg: "If you wanna be my Master.... ya gotta chop off your balls..." Nope, I don't think so.
All that will be left of the once-mighty British pop force is: Sporty Stain, Scary Stain, Posh Stain, and Baby Stain. Ginger, of course, will consecrate her body to Urungus and escape (relatively) unscathed.
- 1/2 Nelson
"General, sattelite recon shows that BOTH the Spice and the Village People are in the rebel territory of Montana"
"Incredible! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! Captain, get me the nuclear launch codes! We certainly don't need authorization for this."
30 seconds later in a missile silo somewhere in North Dakota:
"Let me push the button"
"Oh, okay, but I get to launch the second one"
"Thats fair. I always wanted to do this"
It takes the 2 titan missiles a mere 45 seconds to reach their target. Both groups (and the rebel territory of Montana) are reduced to their component atoms by 2 nuclear warheads with a combined yield of over 2 megatons. There is no life left in Montana besides some cockroaches and salesmen. The general is hailed as a hero in every country in the world and critics finally realize the full potential nuclear weapons have in making the world a better place.
The Montana Crater soon becomes the greatest tourist attraction in the world.
- Gen. Moore, CO of NORAD
- John
"Have your own lifestyles and ideals Access the strip of competence, that's the skill You can best believe that he's a macho man He's the special god son in anybody's land hey, hey, hey, hey, hey"Sorry, Sporty! You're toast.
- -- Whit
- The Ser
- "Wild Dawg" McDaniels
Ok, the stage is set. Let's assume that the people who booked this catastophe placed them both on stage at the same time. Let's also assume that since we are in montana, and this is a GWAR concert, that every other fan has a handgun. (it's probably more than that, but just for the sake of the kiddies...) Both bands come out, and the crowd recognizes one of them... the spice girls. (think about it, have any GWAR fans ever heard of the Village People?) The fans, instantly recognizing the arch-nemesis of all that they hold dear, open fire... When the leather and lace finally settles, and the red vapor finally clears, all that's left is five pairs of the ugliest shoes you've ever seen in your life! The crowd now turns to the apparent winner. Who look like every working man in Montana!!!! Think about it, the flannel, the hardhats, the sailor outfits, the indian dress... The village people were born to play Montana!
But, before they can even sing a note, GWAR takes this opportunity to make their way to the stage. Since the fans obviously like the newcomers, they decide to include them in the act, the village people are ritually slaughtered and hung on poles. They go along with it because the only following they've had is the god-damned republicans! So the Village People win... but at what cost, at what cost?
P.S. an interesting match-up might be the Montana GWAR fans, vs. English soccer hooligans. Now that would be a good slaughter.
- Stoopid Gold -forever staying at the YMCA- (just cause I'm so damn poor)
Our battlefield. Montana. The breadbasket (armpit?) of the nation. The Village People. Policeman. Military personnel. Construction worker. Biker. Indian. Status symbols! These people have been central to the creation of our society. These are tough, manly symbols. Females will appreciate them for this. Gay men will appreciate them for it too, and for...other reasons. Only truly heterosexual men will fail to be entranced.
Come on. Truly heterosexual men. Let's review: MONTANA.
Then we have the Spice Girls. Cutesy little names. Aggravating music (or whatever you want to call the collective banshee imitations). And they're FURRNERS! (For those of you who aren't from the south, that means 'foreigners'). I'll be amazed if the Spice Girls even GET their 20 minutes....after three, the crowd will be kicking Oderous aside to get their teeth into some nubile Brit flesh! And since violence and sex are as close together in Montana as loose-fit jeans and frightened livestock, it's just gonna come naturally!
And, in true GWAR tradition, that will be declared their opening act.
- Istanbul
Reason #1 --
The only way to get YMCA out of my head is by thinking of
song as or more annoying than YMCA.
Reason #2 --
Such songs are only sung by the Spice Girls or Hansen.
Reason
#3 -- A "Both Mangled and Killed" Option was not included in this
match, which, of all matches, is most deserving of one.
Reason
#4 -- Hansen is not present to be horribly disfigured or killed
somehow.
Reason #5 -- My scenarios never make ROTW.
So much for the Free Republic of Montana. What followed was a panic the likes of which had never before been seen in the Grudgeverse. The members of GWAR went first. Suicide. They hung themselves by their guitar strings. Their fans stampeded. The fortunate ones were trampled, the survivors ran for the hills.
The two groups decided they liked the way they sounded very much. And so they formed the Spice People! (tm) and skipped arm in arm, singing, to the hills, after the surviving GWAR fans.
Be afraid. Be Very Afraid.
- Dawn of Time
- Steven Pratt
A. These Guys spend their time doing mainly three things. (1)Trying to persecute Gays, and Women (2) Bullshit about what they got hunting the other night. (3)Watch Porn and play with their guns.
B. These guys don't know what they're doing. (1)Most of them wouldn't know a homo if they walked up and kissed them (2) However, any woman they see dressed funny or with short hair is automatically associated with being a Lesbian. (3)They saw previews for that Spice World movie and sat through the whole thing waiting for the Spice Girls to take their tops off and wondering why 8-year old girls were at the show.
In Conclusion the Members of the New Montana Rebublic (or whatever) will recognize the Spice Girls as the the Women who tricked them into seeing the fake Lesbian Porn Show and Boo them to their Deaths. Meanwhile they will see the hard working village people and assume they are nice guys who want to join their cause.
P.S. Montana does not have more psychos than the rest of the world. They just have psychos of better quality.
- Joe, A guy from Montana
When I think of people from Montana I think of "Deliverence."
The Village People are of a persuasion that likes the idea of bending over and squealing like pigs. With the Village People, there Monatana boys will have no use for girl power, or girl anything else.
- Gary
- Fred "Cynical Spice" Swetland
And, I might add, the vote had absolutely nothing to do with musical talent (as if either group possessed any to begin with). It was more a result of recognition -- or lack thereof.
Let's start with the general populace of the new nation, under GWAR, newly-divided, with liberty and justice for none(tm), shall we? A prime candidate for president of this great nation would be none other than Theodore Kaczynski, who would win the vote by Blowing Away the Competition(tm). Using him as a test subject, we can make several observations about the local citizenry:
1. These are people who shoot, maim, and kill anything that even remotely resembles an authority figure.
Witness the unfortunate sodomites: a policeman, an Indian chief, a biker (the Leader of the Pack, maybe), a G.I., a construction worker (perhaps the foreman), and a cowboy. Therefore, these guys(?) will all die before they utter a single note just because of their appearance.
2. According to the Clinton News Network(tm), Theo (and likely his minions as well) live in 10'x12' shacks in the woods, possess no plumbing or electricity, read by candlelight, and use buckets for toilets. (They didn't call it Yellow-stone National Park for nothin', y'know.)
Therefore, it can be safely deduced that this guy (and likely his minions as well), as he himself has stated, is anti-technology. With that in mind, it can likewise be safely assumed that Theo (and likely his minions as well) do not own radios or TVs and therefore will have absolutely no clue as to who any of these strangers are. As mentioned previously, they will assume the Village People are government figures and proceed to pick them off, one by one and in short order.
On the flip side, the Spice Girls look and act like aliens from another planet, which will attract the attention of a certain pair of FBI agents who specialize in this kind of thing. Being government employees, the arrival of Agents Mulder and Scully will once again incite the locals of New Montana to revolt, and upon discovering that the agents are after the spooky looking alienettes, the locals proceed to stash them away in some underground bunker in the hopes of turning them into the humble beginnings of what is envisioned as their Bizarro-style version of Disneyland(tm).
When the Spice Girls finally do sing, however, the locals realize their true talent: execution by extreme mental torture, to which they subject both the Village People and the FBI agents as punishment for their crimes.
Y'all come back now, hear?
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
But this is irrelevant. Anybody short of Barney itself vs. the Spice Girls should win because SPICE GIRLS MUST DIE!!!. Mere text alone cannot describe the horror they represent. Dear God, with names like Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Ginger Spice, etc. (forgive me if I've messed up these names, I pride myself on my lack of knowledge of the Spice Girls) even the most blind fool must note the resemblence of this sort of naming with such disgusting cute groups as the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers or (God save us) THE SMURFS!! ("I feel so spicy on such a lovely spicey day where we can all spice a picnic and..."- no, the pain is too much to follow this analogy any further). It is the duty of any decent citizen to obliterate such nausea personified, and despite the lack of such individuals in the Montana Militia it is my hope that they at least will heed the call of humanity in this and finally put all that stockpiled ammo to good use. Now if you'll excuse me, I should take my lithium now...
- "Mad Dog" Mike
The Spice Girls forgot one thing: they are dealing with a group of people who are far, far better armed and equipped than they are. Girl Powah (tm) means nothing against either the GWAR crowd or the towering rage of a sexually repressed '70s band, especially one with an Indian, a biker, a cowboy, and a construction worker in it.
The Village People are here, they are queer, and they have tasted blood.
They find it to their liking.
Pray.
- Wanderer
What bothers me are 5 "women" (sorry guys, it's impossible for a woman to look hot with that much makeup and hairspray) without a background in music who get pushed and overmarketed into stardom while many skilled musicians are doomed to play in nightclubs and garages forever. There's a HUGE injustice here, and I'm behind any governing body that's willing to give Snotty Spice, Spooky Spice, Sleazy Spice, Slutty Spice, and Bitchy Spice what's coming to them.
Maybe if they throw themselves on the mercy of the court, they'll be released into the custody of the Seven Dwarves to, um, service their needs.
- Phil
So when the Spice Girls are done shakin' their pert little thangs, they'll be greeted with polite and tepid applause (or, in a better world, a hail of bullets), but when the Village People launch into their act, it will be nothing less than a revelation to our benighted would-be sodomites. The clear Montana air will resound with the heroic bwoinnnngggg of a thousand closet doors springing open. In days to come, the countryside sees the establishment of dozens of new travel agencies, antique shops, fashion design studios, hairdressers, bathhouses, and really hip dance clubs. The pink triangle adorns the flag of the new Montana Republic, and the country's anthem is, of course, "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!" Peace and love reign under the Big Sky, and it's all thanks to the courage, talent, and really bitchin' fashion sense of the Village People!
If you think that's amusing, wait until hordes of heavily armed gays descend on the Capitol, out for Jesse Helms, Trent Lott, Dick Armey, and Tom DeLay's scalps. But that's another day ...
- Shem
Thus with the spice girls "Girl Power" gone they will turn into street preformers dancing to buy their next bottle of booze.
Thats what they really really want.
- Fall of the spice girls!!!!!
- Karina BitterSpice
- SORRY, SPICE GIRLS HAVE TO OR SHOULD WIN
(The GWAR fans are gonna hate me for what I'm about to write. BUT IT'S WORTH IT!)
The Village People would leave the Spice Girls' battered bodies behind them as they headed back to the site where GWAR sent them into the wilderness. Marching onstage, David Hodo promptly breaks BalSac's neck. The other Village People join him in pounding the remaining members into a thin paste. Before the fans can do anyuthing, Ray Simpson whips out a walkie talkie and says "NOW!!!" into it. From out of nowhere comes the KISS Army, who demonstrate natural selection by picking off the genetic mutants.
- Village People all the way!!!
- Tracer
- SanHolo
Sleazy P. Martini(TM) and Balzac the Destroyer(TM) push out the aging Village People, while the Spice Girls, blinded by the flash from the pan that they came from, dance wildly out onto stage and quickly launch into their Top 40 hit "Two Become One". This gives Oderus an idea, and with a subtle signal, three slaves haul out a giant meat grinder! "ELEVEN BECOMES ONE! HAA HAA HAAA HAAAAAAAA!" In the new math of the coming golden age of GWAR, 6 + 5 + meat grinder = a healthy treat for psychotics of all ages (especially those 7 year old ones). Add a heaping helping of simulated maggots, and you've got a meal that even Martha Stewart(TM) would turn her nose up at.‰
-
Anyway, if I HAVE to vote for one, it's the Spice Girls. Why? There are two kinds of Gwar fans: people born deaf and those who are deaf because of injury or accident. It's a Proven Fact(tm).Assuming a standard mix of Gwar fans, and, therefore, a standard gay/straight ratio, the Spice Girls will emerge alive.
However, they will all die by defenstration. (Oh, go get a dictionary.)
"This is an example of an UNsuccessful encyclopedia salesman."
- The Dear Departed Spirit of Jared Goodwin
On the other hand, the Spice Girls are girls. No red-blooded Americ...er, Free Republic of Montanian would ever sacrifice a girl. "Dames = Neat-o" would be in their constitution if anarchy (or their level o' literacy) allowed for one, so, clearly, the Spice Girls cannot be sacrificed.
On yet another hand, I've watched enough television in my lifetime to see the Village People make fools of themselves. I've also seen the Spice Girls make fools of themselves. So, they're equal in that regard. Here's the deciding factor: I've gone to sporting events and have seen the masses do that idiotic YMCA dance. However, the Spice Girls offer no dance to give people the opportunity to share in the humiliation.
Because I believe every person, celebrity and commoner alike, has the right to be an idiot, the Village People must survive!
- Mark Wentz
"Jabba, the Rancor has finished the last of the village people. I am glad that the spice girls won"
(A large door slides open, a lone figure stands silhouetted against the setting sun)
"I am dissapoined in you, Oderous. You chose wrong!"
(The figure steps closer, he is dressed in a grey hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses.)
"Who are you!?" shouts Oderous.
"The Unabomber, YOU FOOL"
"I though he was in jail"
"No I am still free, I come to rule you as the most psyco loner of them all. You let the spice girls live at the expense of the village people, I LIKE the village people"
"Sieze Him!" shouts Oderous
(Guards grab the unabomber. in the ensuing struggle, his hood falls back to reveal. . . Wierd Al Yankovic (admit it, we all knew it was him.))
"Kill him"
(As he falls toward the Rancor, the prince of pyrotechnics pulls out a thermal detonator. Nobody knows what hits them. . .)
EPILOGUE:
A man and woman sift through the wrechage at the bottom of a huge crater. "Scully", says the man, "look at this." A yellow construction helmet lies next to the stud from a pierced tongue. "Scully, I bet this means that a group of very dumb militia members was blown up by a mad bomber for killing the wrong bad band."
"Grow up Mulder"
- Ted Kaczynsky (I'm Innocent, I tell ya)
Untill you take the history of the grudge match into it. The Spice Girls are from England, The Village people are gay.
The French are gay.
the English soundly routed the French in a previous grudge match.
Sigh...even in Montana, we'll be forced to listen to the spice girls.
Nothing will remain of the Village People except shards of leather, mustach wax and 8 tracks.
- G Bob
Militia people are also bible-toting guys, and will kill the village people for sins of the flesh and making a precious mockery of Christians everywhere with YMCA. Though the Spice Girls are sluts, they will survive because sluts have done great things for the bible. (Just how do we know it was Mary)
Thus the Village People are burning while we here the singing "Give me that old time religion" (possibly the only song worse than "Wannbe")
- The One Who Knows too much
- Going crazy
GWAR's fans wouldn't be as ardent without the band's consistency with it's attire. The experience isn't the same without seeing 8 foot tall ogres in S&M Medieval costumes stomping and devouring small children. Since neither Spice nor Vice can compete in that department, the only measure of fashion is consistency. The Villagers have looked the same for 20 years (except for the love handles poking out around the Indian suit). Spicers change togs 3 times per video. With no consistent look to call their own ("Euro-trash Trollop" doesn't count, we're talking same clothes day in/day out, like the Flintstones,) you have to go with the Village People.
Not that it will matter for long, anyway. Moments into the People's celebration, hordes of Screaming Canucks (TM) will come charging across the border, complaining that Rush, (the World's greatest band, not the World's fattest man) isn't getting it's fair share of airplay. The smell of roasting back bacon fills the air (Spice Girl backs, that is...), as GWAR and the Villagers are subdued by thousands of boom boxes cranking out the long-form live version of Closer to the Heart.
- Ike Pigott, ikep@abc3340.com
First of all, the only reason Gwar even began to consider only killing off one of the two most annoying bands in history is because all of those inbred founding fathers couldn't decide which group to put a shotgun to and lead 'em on down to the local church. This happened to Billy Idol once--not pretty. Anyway, as soon as the first bars of "YMCA" clash with screams of "Girl Power!!" Gwar will realize the horrible intensity of their mistake. Bloodlust burning in their eyes, nothing will be able to stop them from impaling both groups upon their spiked breastplates, sacrificing their souls to the snake-god Set, and leaving the meat for the hillbillies to sodomize.
As if it could be any other way.
- Tel
WIMP: Bob, why did you guys let the Village people go?
BOB: Grr! They sing YMCA and Navy song, it really funny, remind me of Wayne and Garth and that and submarine movie and classic movies like that! They funny guys, Urungus like them!
WIMP: So, the Spice Girls didn't amuse you?
BOB! Grrarr! Them sissy wenches? They not get down and naked like we say for them to do! They teases! We teach them plenty! Also, me wanted to see new Spice Girl, that Golden Girl Bea chick, call herself Old Spice! She not there, that suck!
WIMP: There you have it, folks! Another British pop band ground under the heel of grungy..
BOB!: HARD METAL EVIL! NOT GRUNGY!!!
WIMP: Er, yeah, under the heel of evil! Back to you!
- The Bunyip
- HW
Anyway, did anybody know Baby Spice has a blue belt in karate? Bet nobody did. Plus, they prolly get an endless supply of those Spice Girl lollipops. Those rock! Anyway, doesn't Scary's hair count as a weapon? Couldn't Baby use her pigtails? Sporty could literaly kick their butts.....
- Luv and Girl Power, Abby Spice
The militia is saddened by the loss ,but they soon get distracted by the shiny objects hanging from the belts and straps of the Village People. Most of them are quickly executed (the cop and all military personnel because they're federal employees, the Indian because their $1.97 whiskey-addled minds also remember we killed a whole buncha dem Injuns, and the leather guy because, well, hell, he's just wearing too much leather) but the construction worker gets left alive, mainly to build a five hundred foot statue in tribute of This Toilet Earth.
- Kilgore Trout
- Kevin
- Crispy
- Slepyhed
Let me describe the events of the confrontation:The Village People, having seniority, are ushered on to the stage first. They will be instantly accepted by the GWAR fans, at least for a moment, based soley on the fact that they have intentionally dressed in a manner that would freak out the parents (the Spice Girls, on the other hands, are simply victims of Bad Taste(tm)). They would open up with "YMCA", sending everyone in the crowd into a fit (a rather violent fit) of nostalgia. You can't play this song in a room full of paralytics without them getting up to do the dance. they would play three other, less-well-known songs, then close with "YMCA". The crowd goes wild. The real Spice Girls fans, who somehow managed to avoid the hypnotic movements of YMCA are trampled in the demand for an encore. The Spice Girls are then ushered on stage, and a hush falls over the male segment of the crowd, stricken by Ginger and Baby's beauty, trying desperately to ignore the rest of the group's frightful appearance. They begin to sing "If You Wanna Be My Lover", and are nearly drowned out by the sounds of guns loading. They pause, about to begin their next song, when the gun-fire begins. Not at the Spice Girls, but at the pre-teens who tried to rush the stage in adoration.
The militia knows its job well. As the next song begins, Ginger tries to sing her accustomed role, but it has been taken over by another Spice. A fight insues between Ginger and Scary, who are then gunned down by the gun-totin' maniacs off-stage. The militia knows its job well. With two of their stars (and half their sex appeal) lying dead on the stage, the Spice Girls are unable to finish their set, and are summarily executed, saving the Village People. Not that it would have mattered anyway, since with Ginger gone (thus losing half of the male vote) and all the slaughtered pre-teen girls, the Spice Girls would have had virtually no votes left. Score one for Justice!
- The Stranger
"So what," says the Indian. "We have BOY POWER!"
"And," adds the Biker, "you don't seem to realize that it took a male manager, male songwriters, and male music video directors to make 'Girl Power'!!!!"
The Spice Girls freeze (hopefully the freezing will affect their chest area) - they simply can't argue with a statement so logical, so true.....
This gives the Cowboy, the Cop, and the G.I. to act. Holding something in their hands, they raise their arms. Too late, the Spice Girls realize that......cowboys, cops, and G.I.'s carry *guns*!
Guns raised, the three open fire. Two seconds later, it's all over. All six turn and stare at Oderous Urungus.
Oderous Urungus eyes open widely. He takes the microphone. "Umm....by default...the Village People win this contest...I guess...um..."
The crowd cheers! The Contruction Worker faces the side of the stage and waves his hands towards himself. A loud "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" sound fills the air.
A truck slowly moving backwards comes onto the stage. The Construction Worker raises his palms to indicate "stop". The truck stops moving. The Construction Worker moves his hand down towards the ground.
The bay of the truck starts to rise. After it it raised a certain height, five coffins - made of spare wood from a nearby contruction site - are dumped on the stage.
Then for a finale, the six break into song, while picking up the bodies, shaking them around, and dumping them in the coffins. The song they sing is that favorite from the movie CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC - "Milkshake".
- K. Bailey
- ex-WVU Chuck
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
http://www.sayersnet.com/~dusty/
All that aside the Spice Girls have one mega-weapon up their sleeve. If you saw Spice World (and god have mercy on you if you did) you know that the Spice Girls' bus driver is none other than the Bat Outta Hell (TM) himself, MEATLOAF. If anyone can get a sexually repressed heavy-metal lovin' GWAR audience to cheer at the top of their lungs HE CAN! The Village People will cower in the presence of a superior 70's pop-god as soon as he joins the Spice Girls on stage, saving their perky little asses from eminent doom.
- The Captain and the Eel
A. Artificial silicone tits of that red-haired one will explode ten seconds into the show, instanteously killing half the audience.
B. The concentration of general stupidity will cross the critical mass two seconds later, causing explosion similar to one created when matter and anti-matter meet (STARTREK sucks! STARTREK sucks!), eventually killing everybody but GWAR (they seem to be familiar with explosions) and the young SpiceGrill (she's inflammable, because she forgot to install her sillicone tit-cartridges before the show).
C. Seven seconds earlier the GWAR brains explode of overadrenalination caused by seeing so much REAL violence LIVE.
D. The last remaining spice girl dies exhausted, when trying to actually THINK about what to tell (something like "Holly fraggin' crap! That's better than wrapping a condom around your head!").
Seems it's a tie.
- Village Whatever
Never before, in a Ground Zero contest, has John received the "HotBranch! Seal of Approval™" (now 12 for a dime!); but this time, I have no choice. If there had been a Both Repeatedly Violated by Gwar voting option, I would have been spared this decision (as would pretty much everyone else visiting Ground Zero™, but a double shutout was out of the question).
Determining who survives is based on the "Sellout Factor™", and the Spice Girls (Herpes, Slutty, GangBang, Syphilis, and BungHole) totally dominate this category. Spice Girl merchandise (cards, dolls, early pregnancy tests, lunch boxes, and edible underoos) is only the tip of their sellout iceberg. Their reign as sellout queens is cemented by their having performed with the only entity that is a bigger sellout than themselves: Luciano Pavarotti (aka: Fat, Sweaty, and Hairy Spice).
The unfortunate Village People "action figures" (with Kung-Fu Crotch Grip™ and Malibu Fudge Packer Beach House™) failed more miserably than the Milli-Vanilli See-N-Say. 'Nuff said!
- HotBranch!
- RC
The Village People are all in their 40s at the youngest. Tough and stringy territory. The Spice Girls are all twentysomething; I'll leave it at that rather than making a too-obvious comment regarding "good eatin'"...
- Aero
- ~ Buffy the rich girl
First: They have weapons.
Second: They have been around since the '70's. 20 years of memories are not likely to fade soon. The Spice Girls have only been around a few years, are already breaking-up, and with so short a life span, it is easier to forget they ever existed.
- Spice This!!!!
One, the spice girls are British. This turns the tide in their favor right from the get go. Ok, so not everyone in Britain will willing admit that the spice girls started there, but Robert Smith (tm) was british, and that make the Brits the single most coolest people on the face of the earth.
Two. Weaponry. Although the village people DO dress up, they were not known world-wide for their skill with many bladed implements of destruction. Ok, so they did have a small handle on disco, but that was a long time ago. On the other hand, the Spice girls seem to be able to kick over the head of even the tallest gay disco singer. Advantage: Spice Girls.
Three. The annoyance factor. Simple: YMCA is still played at wedding, bar mitzvah's, graduations, and any other occasion where people get together, dance, and drink themselves into comas. The spice girls aren't. If they were to launch into a heart-felt rendition of 'wannabe' for the crowd, most likely everyone's heads would explode, or the spice girl's intestines would launch themselves up and strangle them to death. Advantage: Village People.
so, it becomes painfully obvious that the village people would win this fight, only because noone in their right mind would want to see the spice girls win at anything.
- ExentriC: This space for rent.
Baby Spice: I can't believe they would kill us! This totally sucks.
Policeman: Chill, baby! I got an idea.
Later...
Announcer: Ladiiiiiies aaaand gentlemen, preeeeesentiiing The Spice Village!
Band: If you wanna be my macho macho maaan....
Audience: (machine gun fire that levels the band, the announcer, the backstage area...)
- The Listmeister
In conclusion, the villagers will be tortured to death as the spice girls whinny their way through the crowd. NOTE: The crowd will then demand further sacrafice of the spice girls which GWAR will immediatly carry out.
The next day England will declare war on Montana only to undeclare it later that day. Hey they would rather be remembered for The Beatles.
- Joebob Goatlover: President of The Repblic of Montana
Thus it is only logical to assume that when confronted with Victoria Addams, one of the most beautiful women in the world, the people of Montana will respond with the same naive sense of wonder and awe that their spiritual brothers did four centuries ago and proclaim Victoria their new god.
End result
-Village People and GWAR sacrificed to the goddess Victoria (I remind
you all that the Aztecs also practiced human sacrifice)
-Victoria begins a noble but ultimately fruitless effort to convince
her new subjects that they shouldn't buy their clothes from KMart
-Montana's population wiped out by an epidemic of stds unleashed upon
them by Ginger Spice
- Brendan W. Guy
personally I'd like to point out that, should a Spice Girl cd/tape/record/8-track... come into to my hand I (like many of the backwoods people) would break/crush/trample and eventually burn what ever remained! But then I (like many of the backwoods people) would do the same to a Village People cd/tape/record/8-track.
But that's not the point. The point is 'who do you vote for?' Now I was kinda split in my decission for a moment there. You both had exellent arguments, but the clencher I think was the Republicans. I mean really, is Dan the kind of person you canadians want to be like? If so, then you're even more screwed up then your diplomates to the general public (Shatner).
In the end it's all gonna come down to one thing. Who's gonna be yelling when the music(?) stops? Sure, all the inbreds will be trying to keep up with the complicated spelling of YMCA and get the hand gesturs right. But when the music stops, so with the inprompto spelling bee. The Spice Girls wont even have to open their mouths (much to everyones relief), cause the moment they step on stage the crowd will erupt with yells.
And across the field, as the voices rise and the words "take it off" and "ooo baby" can be distinguished, John, I sugguest you just... hold your hand.
- Michael Fox
- JS
In comparison, what do the Village People have to offer? Disco [bring the barbed wire], Homosexuality [cattle prod], and Lame Middle Aged White Guys [55-gallon drum of pirhanas, chainsaw, barbecue fork, nail gun. ] For this audience, there is no redeeming feature.
In a quirky twist of fate, it's Death After Disco for the mustache squad.
- Semiconscious Brute.
- Adam B.
It was around the beginning of the year when I saw the Spice Girls on the news, appearing with Prince Charles. When I learned that one of them actually gave Chuck a tweak on the tush, I couldn't believe it. What kind of deranged creature must you be to want to get that close to him, at least without the prospect of becoming Queen in the bargain? (Besides, hasn't Diana-mania put him through enough grief? I know I've suffered!)
Suddenly, you have the prospect of the Spice Girls being unnaturally attracted to people with more inbreeding than is good for anyone. This will be their salvation, however, as the people in this audience fit that category perfectly. There may be a minority preferring the "Deliverance" experience, but it won't be enough to save the Village People from being ripped out of those costumes, tarred, feathered, and dangled upside-down from the compound flagpole.
Though they might enjoy that ...
- Call me Shane
- Ellie
And so, our champion of extremist justice waits even now on a distant hilltop. The Barret .50 sniper rifle braced carefully in position. His mission is simple. As the "winners" line up on stage to take a bow, as all decadent, perverted musicians do. Our crusader will drill the lot of them with a single, well placed shot.
Needless to say, the fans will love it.
- Steve Moran
- Superbatman
- Jason 'Kobayashi Maru' Patten
From that day forward, it became the duty of every decent American to guard against the threat of Disco. Never again. Never Again! They would fight in the record stores. They would fight in the night clubs. They would fight on MTV. They would never surrender! And disco would remain a distant evil memory, only to be mentioned to scare children and curse enemies.
With the recent "innocent" revival of bellbottoms, the Bee Gees and YMCA at Yankees games, this scourge has reappeared, threating good Americans everywhere. GWAR fanatics know this and have been preparing for such a day. Today, they free Montana. Tomorrow, the world.
Anyway, I like the Spice Girls... hey, put down that gun...
- Paul "Targetchest" G.
- Tristan "Forget 911, I Dial 357" Pratt
First, the Village People were also in the ending credits for "Down Periscope," which was a fairly funny movie, and I'm sure it was light years ahead, entertainment-wise, than "Spice World." VP, +1.
The Village People have passed the test of time. Our society is so damn stupid that we're willing to relive the horrors of twenty years past! And anyone who's willing to live in Montana is pretty damn dumb, that is, enough to believe that YMCA is "classic rock." VP, +2.
Just because Ginger Spice is in town doesn't mean she's willing to perform. She may give new (and accurate) meaning to "I'd rather die than work with them again." And since she's the hottest (no arguments, gnats, you cannot win) but not performing, the SG have nothing left in the bag o'tricks. The Village People, I note, are still intact. VP, +3.
On the issue of climate, it gets damn cold and snowy in Montana. If the Spice Girls are allowed to live, the militiamen (now citizens) may abduct them anyways, since they're way prettier than the typical Montana woman. It'd be pretty fun to see the SG trying to walk through downtown Missoula (hard to imagine, eh?) during a snowstorm in those big-ass platforms they so love. A reason to vote Spice. SG, +1.
Final tally: VP +3, SG +1. Well, at least we won't have to witness the Spice Girls when they're in the mid-forties, flabby, and still trying to purvey the same crap...
- Squidboy in the Windy City
As everyone is distracted by the Spice Grrlz's Cat Fight™ over who's friggin' stupid idea it was to try and come up with the next Macarena ("Stop right there, thank you very much..."), the Elite Squadron for the Society for the Preservation of the 70's (The ones responsible for the recent "Retro look"), adorned in their polyester leisure suits and afro's will make a daring rescue attempt (don't think it's daring? Think about it: Overweight mid-lifers in shiny white poly wearing platforms and Elton John Style Shades™ in curly fro's in a GWAR crowd? Not exactly as challenging as Where's Waldo, now is it?) by shoving the Village People into a burnt out Pinto™, and succeed. Not too surprising, considering that in the Cat Fight, the Spicy Ones have ripped off each other's clothing (and hair) on stage . Now, after the comotion has dissipated, the crowd realized they must, after beeing left with no alternative, kill the now-naked Spice Girls. After the Spices are properly seasoned, they are thrown into the Ritualistic Pop Artist BBQ, ripped to shreads, impaled on tiny sticks, and sold to the crowd as appetizers.
What ever became of the Gay Guys from Way Back When? Remember the problem Pinto's had with the exploding gas tanks? Well, after the fireworks (who knew that they were so flammable?), it was difficult to discerne which pieces were from the Guys themselves and which were pieces of leather that Macho was wearing. It is, however, beleived that a small fragment of metal found in New York is from Police's badge.
- Hax, Anarchist from the Frozen North™
Yodelling Minxes Cooked Alive.
Whatever the Spice Girls wanna be, what they will be is tomorrow's lunch for the Montana Militia. Harsh call, but oh so true {evil grin}
- Zhirrzh
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Prince v. Michael Jackson
Bill & Ted v. Wayne & Garth
Fat & Skinny Elvis v. Fat & Skinny Oprah
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