WWWF Towers

Brian™, CEO of Grudge, Inc., paces nervously behind his desk at the corporate headquarters. The intercom suddenly comes alive with the voice of his secretary.

"Mr. Wright, it's Angelina. The FBI agents you sent for have arrived."

"Thank you, Ms. Jolie... send them in," he replies. The two women enter the room, pull out their wallets and flash their FBI badges.

"Thank you for coming Agent Scully, Agent Starling. Please have a seat. I've called you here because we have a problem. About a week ago, an unidentified person or group broke into our high security vault here at WWWF headquarters and made away with our private stockade of chihuahuas. Two days ago, I received a postcard from Mexico with nothing but a picture of a frightened looking chihuahua wearing a sombrero." Tears well up in Brian™'s eyes. "He was covered in taco sauce! [sob]"

The Grudge Match CEO quickly composes himself. "I'm not sure exactly what these fiends are up to, but I'm afraid they could be a danger to not only the chihuahuas but those around them... especially if those around him happen to be rottweilers. The first of you to collar the perpetrators and return our chihuahuas to Grudge, Inc., will receive an autographed copy of Grudge Match, Da Book™.

The two agents eyes light up with excitement and they both scramble for the door, eager to be the winner.

John, which of these sexy sleuths will secure the spanish-speaking salsa-scarfing spokesdogs? And who indeed are the mystery culprits?

JOHN: This will be about as popular among net-dwellers as disputing the intrinsic value of porn or arguing against mandatory castration of the "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" guy, but I gotta say it: Dana Scully has absolutely no chance of winning this matchup. Clarice Starling is absolutely going to beat the pants right off of her. (We now pause for a moment to allow millions of masturbating fanboys the chance to clean up).

Scully's deductive talents leave much to be desired. As the "skeptic" on the X-files over the course of six or seven seasons, she was in turns abducted by aliens, rendered infertile, had not one but two microchips implanted in the base of her neck, was subject to an assassination, and miraculously rendered re-fertile, before she allowed that maybe, JUST MAYBE, something funny was going on. Well, pack your friggin' bags Kreskin, there's a new soothsayer in town! I mean, if she's such a fantastic FBI agent, why doesn't she have her own desk?

Now Clarice Starling, there's an agent with promise! Why, she's in the Guinness Book of World Records as the female FBI agent who has shot and killed the most people! That in itself makes her eligible for a Grudge Match™ Lifetime Achievement Award. Plus, when she was punished by a superior at the FBI, did she retreat into her research? Did she accept reassignment at Quantico? No, she ate the guy's brain, that's what she did! Now there's a girl with guts! With spine! With nerves! All someone else's, and all sitting in her digestive track. Not to mention the fact that she was able to track down and capture one of the world's ten most dangerous criminals by herself before deciding to join him in a life of happy, refined cannibalism. It took three years before Scully mustered up the courage to touch Mulder on the arm.

So to recap: Scully - medical doctor with specialty in forensics, like Grudge Match loser Quincy. Starling - likes to eat human brain, like Grudge Match winner the Living Dead. Easy call, Joe. Oh, and the chihuahuanappers? None other than our own Braveheart Jihad (¡No hay un Jihad!).

JOE: Well, I gotta say I don't think you're giving Dana Scully enough credit. In fact, you're selling her shorter than a quadriplegic midget. Dana has some serious resolve. After wanting to be a mother for her whole life, she finally gave birth to a child and then, simply to protect it from alien invaders and government conspirators, she gave it up for adoption, refusing to even know who received the child. If that doesn't take guts, I don't know what does.

Clarice doesn't have what it takes to be in the same league with Scully. I think we need to take a close look at her track record. In The Silence of the Lambs Hannibal walks her through the Buffalo Bill case, giving her hint after hint until she finally nabs the guy. Then, in Hannibal, she is assigned to catch Dr. Lecter, but she never actually gets him. Her entire contribution to the case is spotting him on a video camera in Italy. Does she go there and arrest him? No. She hides in the FBI basement, throws a hissy-fit with the Italian police and then waits for Dr. Lecter to fly half-way around the world and dress her up in an evening gown.

Scully has a much better chance of winning. Even if she refuses to believe anything abnormal could be going on, she does have a history of actually going out on the scene and apprehending (or shooting) the criminals which, in this case, will turn out to be a consortium of Star Wars fans who are holding the chihuahuas hostage until we give them a Princess Leia/Queen Amidala mudwrestling match.

JOHN: Sure, Joe, it did take a lot of courage and conviction for Scully to give her baby away to complete strangers (side note to readers: humor him), but like everything else she does, it was accomplished at a level of speed which can only be described as Hans Blix-ian. ("Chief, I'm this close to cracking the case! I only need another fourteen years!") By the time Scully gets around to figuring out where the criminal or criminals are, we'll have all evolved into beings of pure energy anyways, so it'll all be moot. Frankly, I give Starling a better chance of solving this thing before my mortal remains turn to dust (she'll want to eat them while I'm still fresh, after all).

And so what if Starling had help from Hannibal? Like that's a bad thing, getting constant assistance from one of the world's most incredible criminal masterminds. That makes her even better, like part of some super, crime-fighting, cannibalistic team, that travels the world tracking down dangerous criminals and devouring their intestines. Like McMillan and Wife, if it were cast with people from the Donner party. (Come on, that so is a better premise for a show than Emeril!)

Face it, Joe, unless the abduction of the chihuahuas is part of some massive government conspiracy (and the latest evidence suggests that the culprit is in fact reclusive Grudge Match™ artist Dan Willis), Scully is completely out of her element. The person or persons who kidnapped our chihuahuas are more likely to be the type of twisted, perverse maniacs that Starling deals with all the time in her job. She is probably the most qualified woman in the world in terms of dealing with sociopathic deviants. Well, except for Hotbranch's wife, that is. (Say... I wonder if anyone can account for his whereabouts at the time of the break-in?)

JOE: I can't believe you still think Dana Scully is slow. She has been an X-files agent for almost a decade, much of that time on her own after Mulder left and she solved every case assigned to her within a week or two. Hannibal, on the other hand, is still roaming free and training a new generation of cannibals so that Clarice will have something to do after he dies of old age.

Secondly, you say that Hannibal and Starling are some sort of dynamic flesh-eating duo. But Hannibal isn't here... and what is a duo without the main person, I ask you? Just a lonely uno. She is like Robin without Batman, Barney without Fred, or meatballs without spaghetti. She'll be lost in the shadow of a certain other FBI agent who knows how to do her freakin' job. In the end, Starling will probably just hide out in the basement with her walkman listening to Dr. Lecter say, "Well Hallo, Clarice" over and over and over again.

Meanwhile, Scully will rent a car and use the incredible deductive skills she learned under her tutor, Fox Mulder, and track down the dognapper who I'm pretty sure is Jesse Ventura, fresh off his ass-whuppin' by Mr. T and looking to use the captured chihuahuas as hostages until we re-count the votes and name him Official WWWF Grudge Match Mascot. Of course, if the readers are still humoring me, maybe they would like to take a guess at who the real culprits are?

The Results

Dana Scully (1801 - 57.2%)

silences

Clarice Starling (1349 - 42.8%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Yeah, I'll admit it, I ate a brain once. Not proud of it, but hey, it happened. Frat party, someone busted into the anatomy lab, told me that if I ate it, I'd be twice as smart as before. Y'know what happened? On the can for 48 hours straight! Those things are friggin' hard to digest! So, judging from prior experience, I say Scully wins while Clarice is crappin' up a storm.

- Grudge-Pops™: Mmm mmm better!

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Brian, I have your Chihuahuas. Now I am one step closer to achieving my dream fantasy.....

- Tahna Los would LOVE to be erm.... "investigated"....

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

You seem to be missing a couple facts.

1) Clarice eats people.
2) Skully is a person.

I'll leave it to you to draw your own conclusion from that.

- Martin Hallat

Jesu Christo, there is no way either of these broads will find the missing Chihuahuas! Most women can't cross the street without asking directions, let alone find missing private property once it goes South of the Border to the Largest Flea Market on Earth. To compound the odds against success, these are FBI agents --- you know, the same folks who misplaced 5,000 computers, 620,000 hand guns, and the "Al Qaeda are a threat" memo a couple of Septembers back.

If you make me pick, I'm back to the Babe Factor --- Jodie Foster has it in spades! But, hey, I'm from the '80s . . .

- Dr. Stones

Who does Scully have on her side then? Walter Skinner? He retired by now, I should think. The Lone Gunmen? Canceled and then killed off. The conspirators she faced with Mulder constantly? Please. They were her enemies on the show! Either they're going to work against her out of spite or because they are the dognappers!

In the end, Dana and Clarice will track the dogs to an empty warehouse, coming in from opposite doors. A figure will dash up and shoot Scully, freeing Clarice to finish the mission. "Thanks," Clarice says in her best sweet-talking voice, "I knew I could count on you." Then she kisses John Hinckley on the cheek.

"It's nothing," says John. "I was on my way to return that tape of Taxi Driver to Blockbuster anyway."

- mtk1701

I'm going with Starling on this one, she could just find Dr. Lector, ask him for a favor. He'll eliminate the competition & the dog- nappers when Starling finds them.

- Mistress Heather, Keeper of the Dungeon

Remember, Scully's specialty is forensic pathology. Sure, you might argue that all that means is that she's good at cleaning up after the fact, but let's take a look at some of her past jobs. According to "The Official X-Files Companion", Scully's "patients" have including the following:

- A half-man, half-fishlike fluke thing
- The body of a man who appeared to have exploded from the INSIDE
- The vast interior of an elephant, and
- Almost (if not for religious taboo) the reported remains of a werewolf.

Not only has this work rendered her mentally fit for accepting ANY job (and it's a good bet that the chihuahuas have ALREADY been fed to Triumph the comedy dog and family), but it's doubtlessly been more than enough to assuage any skepticism on her part... and skepticism will get you NOWHERE in analysing the Grudge Match (tm).

Now, let's look at Clarice, whose most recent claim to fame was spotting Hannibal Lechter on a video tape WALTZING through airline security in Italy IN PLAIN VIEW. That's right, the guy whose picture is on the top 10 most wanted list on the FBI's web site right next to Osama Frickin' bin Laden, and he's even not wearing any more of a "disguise" than a fedora and sunglasses! The only thing Clarice gets credit for is being the only person with half a clue in a world full of MORONS! And, as Lisa Simpson proved, that's only good enough to get you the runner-up spot.

Put Starling on a case she's more fit to solve... like figuring out who Keyser Soze is.

- RoboGoober Version 2 (aka Captain Obvious)

While Scully was portrayed by only one actress, she does enjoy an enormous advantage - a vast internet fanboy army. This huge army, numbering in the thousands (if not millions) would likely have members in Mexico. Upon learning that Scully needed help to catch such vicious criminals (theft from the Grudge Match, especially their precious battle-trained chihuahuas, is a most serious crime), the local fanboys, plus a number of American fanboys that has sneaked down through the highly porous US/Mexico border will rise up and help track the perps in the hopes of earning Scully's favor.

Against such avid and numerically superior forces, the vile dognappers don't have a chance and the case is solved before Clarice can get the passport. A good thing, since Clarice would be just as likely to eat the evidence as she would be to bust the criminals.

- The Demented Astronomer

Then the winner must obviously be Agent Scully,since she´s used to weird,paranormal-like sci-fi stuff.Agent Starling would probably fant at the sight of a goddess.

- Tyler Durden(The truth is out there...somewhere)

"Don't worry Dana, I won't hurt you., I would never hurt you. You're way too hot. Finally we can be together, it's fate, destiny, an end to my lonely nights spent masturbating to the girls of redheadedsluts.com, pretending they were you!"

Dana's eyes bug out as she looks up and her eyes confirm what her ears have already told her.

"Frohike? But . . . But you're dead!"

"No, I'm not. Byers and Langly are dead. I had them killed because they always made fun of me and because they were an obstacle to our love. Why do you think I arranged for Mulder to be ‘abducted by aliens'? Speaking of which, is that guy one lucky bastard or what? I coulda sworn those rednecks I hired killed his pretty boy ass! I guess the lesson here is never to underesti . . ."

"Oh, shut up! Are you telling you arranged this entire thing to lure me here?"
"That's right."
"And how did you know Grudge, Inc. would bring me in to track down the missing Chihuahuas?"

"Who do you think gave them the idea in the first place? It's right there on their webpage, Suggestions. Scott Hardie is one of my many aliases, Jesse Newson an alias of my partner in crime."

"Partner?"
"Come on Dana, surely you've figured it out by now."
Another man enters the room.
"Hello, Dana."
That's when Scully finally notices Clarice Starling lying beside her, still unconscious.

Two Days Later . . .

"Don't get me wrong Steve, I'm glad the chihuahuas are back safe and sound, but what is this note supposed to mean?"

Steve Levine takes another look at the note in question.

Thanks for the "loan" of your chihuahuas guys, and thanks for being so predictable. Your pals, Melvin and Hannibal

Steve shrugs, crumples the note and tosses it over his shoulder. "We've got our chihuahuas back and it didn't cost us a single copy of Grudge Match: Da Book. What else matters?"

- Don "King" Milliken

- Affy

Both agents suffer from the "maverick authority figure syndrome", or MAFS. This condition, found in many Hollywood action characters, causes the sufferer to chase dangerous criminals into dark places without back-up. Now, my memory of X-files is a bit vague, but I cannot remember Scully ever using a gun in these frequent situations, aside from pointing menacingly. Starling, on the other hand, unloaded six shots into Buffalo Bill in complete darkness with only the click of his revolver to guide her, then immediately reloaded. This shows that not only is she a decent shot, but that she also knows the importance of the "scary movie monster last-minute reanimation" rule.

Even the highly touted Grudge Match Precedence Factor™ is in doubt here; yes, X-files soundly defeated Scooby-doo, but this was the combined power of Mulder and Scully. As the last few seasons of The X-Files (otherwise known as an abject lesson on how to run a decent show into the ground, then the upper crust of the earth, then out somewhere in China) proved, Scully's yin is nothing without Mulder's yang.

In short, while Scully's off in Arizona trying to find dog-napping UFOs, Clarice will have tracked down the evildoers behind this scheme - Fluffy and Dan Willis, hired by CI Host.

- Tracer Malone (I just can't get over that look that Scully seems to be giving me)

"I'm pleased to see you again, Dr. Lector." The Smoking Man says. "I was hoping that our operatives had succeeded in rescuing you. After that incident on the Death Star, we thought that we had lost a legend. Tell me how it happened."

"Of course." The balding man replies. He delicately cuts a piece from the strange food on the plate in front of him. "It all happened when I saw Nigel here" - he gestures to the Rottweiler - "take down that Klingon warrior. As he dined on the remains, he looked up at me and I sensed a short of kinship. He offered to share the meal, and I partook. We became fast friends, and we dined together on several of the white-clad soldiers. The old wizard, the robot, the scientist and even that gold-chained commando were too busy to notice us. When your agents found me, I took Nigel with me. By most accounts we perished when the Death Star was destroyed... but I'm afraid that such a fairy- tale ending never happened."

"Indeed." The Smoking Man remarks. "And what of this new endeavour of yours? This scheme that has even attracted the attention of the X- Files?"

"You may thank Nigel for that as well." Hannibal says, taking another bite of his meal. "Nigel showed me the culinary delights of the Chihuahuas. Such delicate little morsels - the smallest amount of this cheap Mexican sauce works wonders with a dash of white wine and ricotta. Such a meal provides a delightful recess after such a strenuous exercise. Obtaining them legally would be expensive and messy. The kind gentlemen at the Grudge Towers had no use for them, and would simply let them grow old and die."

The reverie is interrupted by a red-haired agent entering the door, her pistol drawn. She scans the room, making sure both men, are covered. Neither seems to bother reaching for a weapon. Scully would have felt better if Mulder were along for backup, but he was busy removing an alien mosquito from Orlando Jones' rectal cavity.

"Pleased that you could join us, Agent Scully." Lector says. "I've heard of your exploits for years. I even heard about the time when you arrested the youths with the talking dog. What a pity. Do you know what a single dog is capable of, Agent Scully?"

With the agent distracted for a single, but vital, minute, Nigel bursts from the shadows. Scully falls without getting off so much as a shot. "I always thought that you were more of a cat person, Agent Scully." Smoking Man remarks over the din of the Rottweiler's feast.

Before the three villains can do anything else, the building explodes in a blazing inferno. Agent Starling looks at the man next to her. "Thank you, Mr. Bickle. I'll see to it that you get a formal reprieve for that incident at Senator Palantine's campaign."

"Stinkin' Brits, always gettin' the best villainous roles nowadays. Puttin' honest American actors out of work. It's enough to make you sick." The taxi driver remarks. "He had it coming, sweetheart."

A formal memorial service was held for the Chihuahuas, and Agent Starling received her reward. Brian, back in his office, reflected on the loss, but the ultimate triumph of justice. A package arrived for him. Just as he was opening it, his telephone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Brian."

Brian slammed down the phone and frantically opened the parcel. To his horror, it was the head of Brendan W. Guy, with a sticky note on his forehead that read "Give this as a present to that fine young man Devin. Sleep tight, Mr. Wright."

- Oxymoron - (Ever notice that Buffalo Bill was played by a man named Levine?)

- Rainwoman

Scully will go on to find the kidnappers, who Mulder will continually declare to be aliens, even though they are not. In a grand finale, Scully rips off Mulder's arm and beats him to death with the proximal end. This causes her to be featured in her own, much less lame series.

Never screw with a redhead.

- The "My ex-girlfriend is a redhead. Someone save me." Mad Josher

As for who catches Speedy...... if a cat, a natural predator of the mouse, can't, two homo sapiens can't either. But I'll vote for Scully, 'cuz who the hell is Starling?

- Katrover Swatroad

With The Jihad (No Jihad) stuffing the box for Starling, she won't even need to lift a finger. Result: The Chihuahuas turn up on Clarice's doorstep, along with a lackey taking the blame for the team, and Brian(tm) sleeps in the doghouse for a week. Chalk one up for Ms. Wright: SuperVillain.

- Mixmaster Flibble

The 3-D effect will come into play when both Starlings work the case. They're both allowed for two reasons: 1)they'll both want a copy of the book, and 2)they're obviously not the same person. Look how different they look! Anyway, the first Starling will be accompanied by Agents Mulder and Scully from the episode of "X-Files" that she was in. The second Starling will be accompanied by her partner from "Evolution". Agent Scully will, of course, be accompanied by her partner.

Eventually, everyone winds up in the same area somewhere in Mexico. The Scullys fall victim to Timecop time travel logic (the same matter can't occupy the same space) and stupidly touch each other, disappearing in a screaming pile of goo. One of the Mulders, traumatized by seeing three of himself, puts on a dress and heads off to try and solve a murder in upstate Washington, muttering something about the owls not being what they seem. The second "Mulder", the scientist from "Evolution", decides the work isn't as much fun as killing incredibly evolved aliens, goes home, cracks open a beer, and watches a few episodes of Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries on Showtime. The final Mulder, while spouting off endlessly about the abducted chihuahuas being part of a greater plot by aliens to take over the world, inadvertently takes a large gulp of Mexican water when his throat is going dry. He ends up "indisposed" in the crapper while the two Agent Starlings continue to track down the missing chihuahuas.

A week later, in an abandoned warehouse outside Guadalajara, both Starlings are tied to chairs. An elaborate set of cookware is set up on a nearby table as Dr. Lecter enters. Through his usual overblown speech to the two semi-terrified agents, he's drooling over the thought of TWO fresh, young livers he can eat with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Of course, since this is a Starling/Lecter showdown, the Starlings come out on top, with all their body parts intact. Lecter may get away, but the chihuahuas are returned to Grudge Match headquarters none the worse for wear.

Oh, and of course Lecter was behind this. You didn't know? Who else would cover chihuahuas in taco sauce? I doubt even Rottweilers would eat them that way.

- Scotty J. "it's 3:30 AM and i'm going to bed now."

Firstly:
Barney is way smarter than Fred (as evidenced by "The Flinstones Movie", and meatballs on their own rule. Plus, Robin had a successful career as a circus performer without Batman's help, thank you very much.

Secondly:
Dana Scully is an agent of the Federal Bureau of Investigations. As a U.S. agency, its jurisdiction does not extend outside of U.S. borders, therefore making it impossible for Scully to pursue any suspect into Mexico, regardless of how tempting the prize. Remember, Scully cares about rules and regulations. Starling, on the other hand, having been turfed by the FBI, is now free to do as she pleases without the hinderance of worrying about international borders. Scully can hardly rescue the chihuahuas if she can't get to them.

Finally:
It is below cheap to try to attract the Fanboy (TM) vote by intimating the possibility of a Princess Leia-Queen Amidala mudwrestling match and associating that possibility with your name. I mean, honestly, a beaver shackled to a typewriter could do better.

As for the culprits, it's obvious that this dastardly crime was perpetrated by none other than the Taco Bell Chihuahua (TM), resentful at how his Grudge Match (TM) brethren have surpassed him in popularity. The taco sauce is a dead giveaway.

- Kapitän der Armeen vom Norden

- A little too observant

- Freed

- Fred, the Rabid Nutria

- Cir John

- ~Pass the sauce!~

Isn't one the other's mother?

Your sick Joe, sick.

- Jeff-B

All signs point to an inside job.

That's right. The security at Grudge Towers is impenetrable. It had to be one your writers, but who?

I had a look at the commentator biography page, and the answer practically leapt off the screen. Examine, if you will:

Paul Golba: Grand Poobah™ of the Save The Grudge Foundation (STGF™) and co-coordinator of all Grudge Match issues.
Paul Branchaud: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and Graphic Artiste.
Shane Tourtellotte: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and Keeper of the Suggestion File™.
Brendan W. Guy: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and idealist.
John G. Hnatyshyn: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and cynic.
Dave Nelson: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and saboteur.
Joe Weber: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and utopian.
Mark Wentz: Regular WWWF Grudge Match Commentator and visionary.

It's obvious who the culprit is. Idealists, cynics, utopians, and visionaries are all harmless. But this list unmasks the saboteur... Dave.

Think about it. Dave's the new guy, isn't he? A later replacement for another commentator who retired. How much do any of us really know about him? His biography is cryptic and threatening. And, if memory serves, he was the one who backed Marty and Doc in the time-travel match. Clearly, that was a cover-up designed to throw confusion on a labyrinthine scheme to sabotage Grudge Match. J'accuse, Dave "Half" Nelson. Time to come clean...

- Bix Bender

Without Mulder to help Sculley, or Lector to help Starling, the utterly inept and confused agents turn to their only option, and work together to solve the case. After spending hours scrutinizing every last detail of the case in their basement offices, they finally catch on to the persistan yipping in the room next door. They discover the dogs, who of course proceed to maul them horrificily.

The poor hiding place by Ms. Jolie was of course intentional. The theft itself was only a clever ploy to divert attention away from her true intentions. As the detectives frantically were working away she used the time to steal the huge grudge-match logo on top the corporations headquarters. It turns out this was a dimensional gate which allowed her to travel to the rich, gold filled ruins on an ancient Aztec civilization.

End result, Angelina makes off like a bandit. Two useless FBI agents mercifully meet their end.

- Duke Ronn

Who is the culprit? Well, assuming that we aren't bothering to account for alibi, we just have to find out who would kidnap the mascots by accounting for motive, knowledge, and ability. First, has to be a Grudge vet or insider - who else would know where to go?

I could only see one person who would know where to find them, the Grudge-homed skills to take them, and the burning jealousy to do the deed. I say it's Gary Coleman, bitter that he, as the winner of the first Grudge Match, has received no accolade beyond the acknowledgement that he kicked things off.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Scully will win cause she's gonna survive way longer than Starling, no question.

- julian the elf

Chihuahuas don't need rescuing.

- James

Brian has Dana Scully, Clarice Starling and Angelina frickin' Jolie in the same room all at once, and he's sending them out looking for chihuahuas?

CHIHUAHUAS?!?!?!?

If the cofounder of Grudge Match (tm) has no better use for these three drop-dead stone-cold foxes, he needs to a) get his HEAD checked, and b) get the hell out of his office so i can walk in there and take proper advantage of the situation. Chihuahuas, indeed. *walks away angrily, muttering incoherent, incredulous curses under breath*

- the infamous lemon of DOOM

- The Masked Cow

Clarice, on the other hand, will know that a fresh coating of taco sauce means that someone intends to eat the chihuahuas. Further, given her, uh, professional experience, she'll deduce that the kidnapper is in fact another dog, threatening to cannibalize the tiny tykes of terror.

But who is the Bad Dog? There are only two possibilities. One, it's Scooby-Doo, setting a trap for Scully, hoping to revenge the Scooby Gang's Grudge Match defeat at the hands of she and Mulder. Two, it's Astro, who saw the Jetsons' defeat at the hands of the Flintstones coming a good week in advance, giving him time to plot the dognapping in order to extort a retroactive win out of Brian et al.

But which one? A moment of thought makes it obvious. Astro is from a future where food comes in pills. Chihuahuas look small enough to be mistaken for pills, granted, but without tacos in the future, Astro wouldn't know what taco sauce is, so he wouldn't know enough to slather it on the chihuahuas. It's got to be Scooby--and he's just enough of a glutton to go through with it, too.

So Clarice ... does nothing. She waits for Scully to finally figure things out, and to walk into Scooby-Doo's meticulously-laid trap(planned with Shaggy, involving bedsheets, roller skates, and a wood chipper). She then goes in, guns blazing, to catch Scooby gloating and earn herself a promotion.

Unfortunately, that promotion comes with a new partner, who has this wacked-out theory about the extraterrestrial origin of Hannibal Lecter.

- Call me Shane

Policecars have surrounded the WWWF-Towers. Brian is being led, handcuffed, to one of the cars by agent Starling. Steve is walking impressed beside her.
"How did you know it was Brian?"
"It isn't." she says as she pulls of the criminal's mask. Everyone gasps.
"HOTBRANCH!?"
"If that meddling agent hadn't meddled in my plans, I would have got with all the chihuahuas!"
"I am very dissapointed in you, Hotbranch!" Steves says and shakes his head. "But where is the real Brian?"
"He is sleeping in his closet. I got that information from Dave."
Clarice says before she walks to the policecar with Hotbranch!... and they lived happily ever after.

- LJSLarsson

- "Mad Dog" Mike

This letter is to both enlighten you, and put your mind at ease on your problem of the chihuahuas, and also so that when Miss Scully is reported missing, at least you, will know the truth.

We, that is Clarice and I were getting bored on our...extended holiday, and we decided to spice things up. Now I ask you, my dear Brian, what do you think would more please our palets, what would more satisfy our special tastes than a specimen that has survived various, and quite unique types of violations, and yet still maintained its tough outer presence and almost childish stubborness. All this and yet we look at her, and sense the gentile sensitivity and air of tenderness that only a woman of Scully's age and specific experience could attain. To simplify, we only want to know if contact with so called "extraterrestrial life" has altered her flavour for the better or the worse.

Now, while I do not consider myself an outright expert in the exquite flavours that human beings visit upon the taste buds, I can assure you that her age in no way soils the general ambience, the general aura that she projects, and I wish that I could invite you, so called Grand Poobah, to the wonderous meal that she will provide us, but alas still being number one on the FBI's most wanted then, you could not possibly be allowed to leave, and I seriously doubt you would even attend. I can assure you however that even in death, a human being retains the tastes that life has imprinted on them, and it lives in the flesh, in the very marrow of the bones. All that is needed is for the aforementioned bones to have the proper preparation. You can therefore understand why, even now as I sit here typing this, my mouth waters in anticipation.

The plan was simple, and as you must have guessed now, we are in possession of the chihuahuas, and I must say that they are a rather tiresome bunch of creatures. One would never think that some so small would produce so much liquid waste. Nevertheless, be assured that they will all be returned safely,...well all save one, but I can say now, with all conviction that their meat does not appeal to me... fortunately for you. Even now Clarice is busy subduing the ever persistent Scully and once she is in our possesion, we will be making certain special preparations to...her person. Yes, I am in the process of teaching my darlin Clarice all my culinary secrets.

However, you or anybody else should not lament for the life of Dana Scully, for in all accounts, it has ended on the highest note that I believe a human being can end this life on. A true honour. As a result, you should be happy, that finally, her search for the truth is over, and that she will be able to receive a long deserved peace of mind. If anyone should be blamed, it should be the simpletons at the Grudge Match headquarters, whoever they may be, for simply accepting my dear Clarice without even bothering to find out where she has been these last seven years, or why she so suddenly and so conveniently showed up for the assignment. On the lighter side of things, your beloved chihuahuas will be returned to you six days from now.

Unfortunately, time waits for no man, not even me, so here I will take my leave and bid you Brian, a fond adieu, adios, and chau.

P.S: This email will arrive at your office computer a full five days after it is sent, thanks to the marvels of technology, and as a result, tracing it is quite useless, but go ahead if you must. Clarice and I will, however, be long gone, fed and happy, back into the shadows. And Brian, as a word of warning, if you trouble us in anyway, and for any reason, for example, about the lamentable matter of the one less chihuahua, then I promise to visit you like I promised to visit the unfortunate Dr. Chilton...for an old man he screamed very much like a little girl. Oh, Brian, one last thought for your comfort,...I always keep my promises.

Yours sincerely;

Hannibal Lector.

- Solamente Darkness.

This case might be right up Scully's alley. What if the Chihuahuas were abducted by aliens? Just because they're aliens doesn't mean they wouldn't be interested in messing with Brian's head.

Unless the perpetrators live far from any populated area, Clarice will be too distracted to be of any use. A cannibal in a city is like a kid in a candy store, or me in a candy store trying to concentrate on selling advertising while i'm just inches away from a batch of luscious dark chocolate blackberry brandy cordials... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Where was I? Oh, yeah...

Finally, here's how Scully takes it. While Clarice is chewing the fat with her next unsuspecting victim ("Driver, I'm on official FBI business! Take me to the nearest secluded alley and strep on it!") Scully is putting up "Lost Dog" fliers offering a $25 million reward backed by the full faith and credit of the United States Government. If necessary, she can pull the money out of the anti-terror budget. After all, I'll bet those chihuahuas are terrified.

- Mr. Silverback-- The only terror I experience is fear of the Iron Fist.

The next likely victims:
Snoopy
Lassie
Odie
The Taco Bell Chihuahua
Stimpy
Eddie (from Frasier)
Dino (okay, he's a dinosaur, but he's a dumb house pet anyway)
Astro the Space Dog
Scooby-Dooo

The most likely suspects:
Foghorn Leghorn
Bill D. Cat (seeking revenge on Odie)
Sylvester
A disgruntled postal worker
The Fluke Man (from X-Files)
Hannibal Lecter's disowned cousin, Scipio
A coalition of cats bent on world domination
Any number of Korean chefs

Geeze, where's Mulder when you need him?

- Kevin, Lord of Nonsense

so gaze in wonder as the Queen bursts in SAS/Iranian embesey style and rescues the poor doggies beating the shite out of anyone who DARES cover one in a mexican dip. Leaving the remains to the dog loving crowd of English Football Hooligans who tyravelled halfway around the world to protect "Ma'am" and beat up a country they havnt had chance to war against..........yet.

- Limey loving Larry

- aero"short, crippled, and proud of it" dude

- Plain, simple Garak

THE FINAL WORD...

Angelina Jolie is your secretary? Wowee! Who's your chauffeur, Sandra Bullock?

- Groucho Magmarx

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Scooby-Doo v. X-Files
Ellen Ripley v. Sarah Connor
Hannibal Lecter v. Jeffrey Dahmer

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ETA: Monday, March 17th, 2003