World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

The Scene: The West Edmonton Mall, a hub of rampant consumerism on a busy Saturday afternoon at the height of the Christmas shopping season. Hordes of square footage filled by store after store of redundant goods and services; a monstrosity of retail horror further enhanced by four submarines, a mini-golf course, an indoor amusement park, wavepool, water-slide, hotel, hockey rink, and cross-dimensional nexus for auto-parts.

The Buildup: Two mysterious figures are roaming through the crowds contained within the world's largest retail space. One, dressed in a jaunty red sweater and toque arrangement, whisks past a trenchcoat clad female. Both turn to catch a glimpse of their competitor, but each has already disappeared into the crowd. The conflict begins. Who will emerge unfound?

The Competition: Our two combatants, Carmen Sandiego and the ever-unfindable Waldo must play a game of hide-and-seek within the confines of the gargantuan space of West Edmonton Mall... They shall both hide, and the first one to be found by the Terminator T-1000^* shall be declared the loser (and terminated).

^* The liquid metal terminator from T2: Judgment Day.

Waldo Carmen Sandiego

Waldo

vs.

Carmen Sandiego

The Commentary

BRIAN: Carmen in a laugher, Steve. It all boils down to one thing: henchmen. Waldo's all by himself in this; Carmen's got scores of large, husky henchmen to perform her will. Will these henchmen successfully do battle with the T-1000 (tm)? No, of course not, don't be silly. But what they can do is assist the T-1000. So what we've got here is the T-1000 looking for Carmen or Waldo, plus about 20 or so henchmen searching for just Waldo. Sorry, but the odds are just stacked against him. Carmen hangs out in one of the London Fog (tm) dressing cubicles while Waldo is hunted down and killed like the dog he is.

O.K., Waldo does have one chance: if he's so deceptive that even the T-1000 and the henchmen can't find him. Well, last time I checked, Waldo stuck out so bad that even a three-year-old could spot him. With that butt ugly bright red sweater and that goofy hat, he'd be better served to wear a billboard that says "I'm Waldo, come kill me". True, it is Canada, so you would expect more goofy hats and ugly sweaters than in the U.S., but he's still gonna be easily spotted. The way I see it, Waldo hides for a while, but then goes back to his nature: dissolving into a crowd of people doing a happy activity. Thus, he lets his guard down and spends a little too long at the NHL-sized ice rink (tm). One of the henchmen spot him and alert the T-1000, who proceeds post-haste to the rink. Walking past the skate rental booth (why would he need to rent skates?) and pushing aside the ticket taker, he glides across the ice and sends Waldo to that big penalty box in the sky.

STEVE: In your analysis you're forgetting two important points. First, Waldo is in his element. He thrives in the huge unseemly crowd that the Edmonton Mall is sure to provide. And he won't be as easy to spot as you suggest. First, as you mention, Canada is "The land where Toques were born" (oh, and ice too), so the toque will not help you spot him. Second, his red and white colors will be impossible to spot amongst the red Christmas decorations, white plastic snowflakes, and ubiquitous red and white Canadian flags. And a quick look around notes that backpacks and walking sticks are in vogue these days. I daresay that the T-1000 will have an extremely difficult time looking for Waldo. Carmen, however -- she will stand out like a sore thumb. With her trenchcoat and sombrero-sized hat she would be more at home in Paris or Rome (or any exotic location), but NOT Edmonton. Easy pickings for the T-1000.

Second, with Waldo's timeless charm comes compassion from the shopping crowds. When T-1000 asks "Have you seen this boy?", everyone will just shrug their shoulders. They don't want to be responsible for the death of such a Canadian-seeming folk hero. But Carmen is a criminal, and kind of shady-looking too. Everyone will be suspicious of her to begin with, and will turn her in at the first opportunity. As soon as she walks into a store, the manager will think she is going to shoplift something, and will call security. Of course, on the other end of the phone won't be security, but instead the T-1000 impersonating one of the security guards. (The actual guard has a 5-foot sharpened liquid-metal finger though his skull). T-1000 heads right down and makes quick work of the two-bit hussy.

BRIAN: Once again you set a trap and then waltz right into it. You make a valid point that backpacks and walking sticks are "in vogue" these days. But you forget that this is being held in Canada, which lags behind socially. While Waldo's accessorizing would help him blend in at an American mall, his lack of a butterfly collar or bangle bracelets will serve as a homing device.

And let's discuss further the topic that you lightly dance around: mall security. Carmen is a thief, pure and simple. What does that mean? Two things. One, she'll have no problem stealing clothes and changing in order to disguise her appearance. Waldo, unfortunately for him, has as many wardrobe options as Fred Flintstone or Gilligan. Two, Carmen could purposely get caught stealing things. How will this help her, you ask? It will release an army of over-60 rent-a-cops which will completely clog up the works. If the T-1000 sees Carmen, he'll try to go after her, but will find himself stuck behind a line of silver-haired sheriffs moving at a snail's pace. Have you ever tried to get around old people in the mall before? Impossible! And even if he does slice them all in two, there would be a second wave still in his way (just like in "Zulu"). By the time he gets through, Carmen has already hit the water slides.

And besides, everyone knows that every 45 seconds or so a woman very near Waldo will take off her clothes (to reveal a sexy bikini) and start table dancing. That draws attention. And if that doesn't do it, Eddie's seering guitar solo right in front of Waldo will bring the entire mall to a stand still and serve as a beacon right to our soon-to-be-fallen comrade. Siddown, Waldo (tm).

STEVE: Van Halen's musical antics are not going to be as noticed as you might think. With the T-1000 roaming around, Guns'n'Roses "You Could Be Mine" will be blaring away, greatly detracting from Eddie's videos. The women will flock to see Axl Rose, and thus all the men will follow.

Finally, Waldo will have protection. In a nearby store, Arnold and Sinbad are fighting over Turbo Man (tm) when Sinbad wollops Arnold over the head with a baseball bat. This action creates an interesting chain of events. First, Arnold's computer brain is kicked back into Terminator mode. Second, the blow damages some of the data stored in it; instead of protecting John Connor, he now must protect ... he scans the store for the first boy-like person he sees ... Waldo. Third, Arnold turns around to an aghast Sinbad and grabs him by the ear and throws him through a conveniently placed plate-glass window. With Arnold now on Waldo's side, there's no stopping him! Plus, the remaining shoppers are overjoyed to have Sinbad out of the picture, giving their undying gratitude to Arnold, and thus Waldo as well. With protection like this, Waldo will easily win.

Thanks to Chris Denschikoff for suggesting this match-up and scenario.

Also, our apologies to all of our Canadian fans out there. All meant in good fun!

The Results

Waldo (1102)

says "Hasta la vista" to

Carmen Sandiego (953)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

Fact: The Terminator was able to locate that Connor kid in a mall.

Fact: Waldo is much more easy to find than the Connor kid, simply because of his colorful outfit. (This is assuming that Waldo cannot change clothes.)

Theory: The Terminator will be able to find Waldo with no trouble.

Fact: Everyone (more/less) knows and recognizes Waldo. When the Terminator holds up the photo of Waldo and asks "Have you seen this man?" - everyone and anyone who has been within 1000 feet of Waldo will remember it and point the Terminator in the right direction.

Fact: Nobody (more/less) knows or recognizes Carmen Sandiego. When the Terminator holds up the photo of Carmen and asks "Have you seen Carmen Sandiego?" - everyone will reply "Who in the world is Carmen Sandiego???" Unless the Terminator runs into those kids on the cartoon who always find Carmen, he's out of luck.

Fact: Carmen Sandiego is a woman. Women love to shop. When you go to a mall with a woman and split up - you will be sure to spend at least an hour looking for her, followed by two hours sitting on a bench hoping she finds you.

Fact: Waldo is a man. Men sit around on benches waiting for women (or Terminators, in this case) to find them.

Fact: My two year old cousin can find Waldo in "Waldo Book" in a few seconds.

Fact: My two year old cousin has not yet been able to finish the "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" CD-ROM computer game.

Theory: The Terminator can do just about anything my two year old cousin can do, and probably more.

Winner: Carmen Sandiego

Prediction: Waldo will be voted the winner, just because he is a more recognizable character. (which just goes to prove my point)

- The Grey Man

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

The T-1000 is going to look awfully conspicuous in Edmonton if he shows up looking like Robert Patrick, in the cop form of T-2. He will not look anything like an Edmonton cop, which is to say that he is not a) bald and b) fat. Thankfully, there are legion donut stores in WEM which he can hang around to get an idea.

Since it is December, one can easily assume that the only people at the mall are locals. Edmonton's a nice place to be in, say, May, but in December it's gonna be forty below and smart tourists will be in Tahiti. The dumb tourists will have frozen to death getting to the mall.

So how does T-1000 disperse the crowd? Simple. He just heads over to the massive video display bank in front of the Brick and puts a copy of "Don Cherry's Rock 'em Sock 'em 8"(tm) into the VCR. This will instantly draw all Canadians present into the area to watch the hockey fights, vicious checks, and spearing penalties with assorted "Oooh"s, and "Oh, that's gotta hurt"s.* The only two people in the mall not genetically drawn to watch the hockey carnage will be Carmen and Waldo. Who will be the easier for the T-1000 to spot?

Carmen is dressed in trenchcoat and fedora. Not exactly inconspicuous, but certainly moreso than Waldo, who is always standing there facing you, waving and wearing that goofy "Hey, what's goin' on?" grin. While Carmen slips into the London Fog outlet, Waldo continues waving at the T-1000 even as he gets that bloody walking stick implanted where the sun don't shine (Edmonton).

- Thinkmaster General

(*Try this the next time you are in Canada. It really works!)

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

I think I've gotta go with the little red n' white guy on this one. Carmen's exposure is just too great -- with two irritating kids' game shows, books, and about a thousand versions of a computer game which are all basically an insidious way of trying to trick unwitting children into thinking they're having fun while they're actually learning, Carmen just draws too much attention to herself. Sure, Waldo's a popular guy, but his media exposure is a coupla books and a cheap-ass Nintendo cartridge that stays tucked firmly in the back of the discount rack at Blockbuster Video.

But Carmen's main downfall is inevitable -- Rockapella. Four geeks in loud suits singing in four-part harmony is tough to ignore. From the first melodic strains of "Well she sneaks around the world, from Berlin to Car-o-li-na..." as Carmen franticly urges them to shut up in hushed tones, Carmen's dead meat. The T-1000 auditory sensors pick up the disturbance immediately and home in. Either that, or the other holiday shoppers mob the faithful a cappella group (and Carmen simultaneously) and flog them to death after already being inundated with muzak disco versions of Oh Holy Night up the wazoo. Either way, the unshakable Rockapella directly causes Carmen's demise. QED.

- JMR, Cornell University

Waldo likes to play hide-and-seek with children. Hmmmmm... Sounds like our friend Waldo my have a pedophiliac (is that a word?) side to him, which will doom him to rapid dismemberment at the hands of the T-1000. Once he starts "playing" with the kids, one of the parents will notice a full grown adult (who's walking stick makes him look much like a drifter) playing with little jimmy.

One ear-splitting scream later, 100 rent-a-cops (Canadian version) descend on Waldo. Through their combined doughnut enhanced mass, they manage to subdue the 98-pound weakling, and lead him away, when, out of the crowd, ala Jack Ruby, T-1000 appears, and ventilates Waldo in your choice of violent death.

- John Jordan

The T-1000 will just kill everybody. Then, having completed both missions, its circuits will fuse from overexposure to CBC broadcasts. It will spend the rest of its unnatural life trying to morph into a mouse and crawl inside a beer bottle so it can get fr ee beer.

- Dave C.

Waldo could easily win by employing some new tactics. Waldo is always presumed to be in a big crowd, so what he needs to do is go to the store that sells those big belt buckles, cornhusk dolls, and wood carved name plates. NO ONE will be there. In his solitude, Waldo will have found the perfect hiding place.

Meanwhile, the T-1000 will go to the pharmacy, where there will be multitudes of stocking capped gen-Xers playing with the blood pressure machine and transform into whatever killing shape he deems most effective. Thinking one of them must have been Waldo, he will cockily leave the pharmacy to ask Carmen to the Skynet Christmas Party.

Carmen will fall prey to her irresistable attraction to travel agencies and stay there for the afternoon. When T-1000 finds her and asks her to the party, she will stunned at his ineptitude and exclaim, "You polymorphic bonehead!!" and in true supervillain fashion, she will expose the way to her downfall, "I just saw Waldo at Red Green's Belt Buckle Hut!! He's still alive!! Your job's not done!!"

With the realization that his mission has not been fulfilled, and seeing that is far easier to take out Carmen than to risk the embarassment of being seen in the belt buckle store, T-1000 will take out Carmen, pinning her to a Carnival Cruise Lines poster. T-1000 wil be inspired by this to pursue his next target, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Waldo will be free to assume control of Carmen's criminal empire.

- Vic "I've spent too much time at the mall" Wachter

- Carmen Sandiego can also travel through time, as witnessed in "Where in time is Carmen Sandiego." All Waldo can do is attend lame-ass Renaissance Festivals.

- Waldo doesn't have a Barbershop quartet. The way I see it, those guys will be just barely into the opening credits, when they hit the harmonic resonance frequency of the T-1000, disabling it and allowing for Carmen Sandiego's nick of time escape. Meanwhile, Waldo is so busy hanging around that he, along with his dog, an innocent shopper, and a carton of milk, get skewered through the head.

In turn, the T-1000 turns his two arms into Garden Weasels (tm) and grinds Waldo into a red and white striped meaty pulp.

- Constantino "Rev. Trashy." Tobio, Jr.

The key here is Waldo's Canadian appearance. The fact that he's wearing the red/white, looks kind of goofy, and gets lost a lot would put the Canadian population on his side. Thus, he'd have an army of beavers, lumberjacks, and oversized hockey players named "Maurice" backing him up. Against an enemy of American origin. Nothing incites Canadians to violence like a threat from the States. [Examples? The War of 1812. All those World Series we took from you guys, although you guys did beat us at hockey.] So, yeah, within no time, the Terminator would meet his icy demise over by the rink, courtesy of the elderly Maurice "Rocket" Richard. Just like the lava in T2. But I digress. And besides, Waldo's got the Rage. (tm). All that repressed sexual tension from never getting laid. But that's more than _we_ needed to know.

- Rohit "I didn't use 'eh' once. Until now." Saxena

Can't really give it to either Waldo or Carmen Sandiego. As chairman of the WLcA (World's Lost Combatants Association), I have rated Herb (from the Burger King commercials) as the rightful challenger to Waldo, so I cannot sanction this match.

- Uncle Scoopy

Despite Waldo's apparent similarity to many of the Canadians roaming through West Ed. he has one fatal flaw... He wants to be found! He's always waving or poking his head out of crowds. I think that if he finds that he blends into the crowd he will take the money he's earned from his numerous "Where's Waldo" products and purposely buy something to make him stand out. T-1000 simply has to sit in one of the many public gathering places and wait for Waldo to draw attention to himself. If T-1000 has to blow away a few Canadians with silly hats and patriotic shirts, he won't mind. Plus, he'll be doing us Canadians a favor by blowing away those Canaidains who perpetuate American stereotypes of us, eh?

- Mr. Boyko

Strangely, this one comes down to the problem-solving capabilities of the T-1000. Frankly, we don't know much about the 1000 model so we must extrapolate from what we know of the original Terminator.

The original T's vision system wasn't particularly great. It saw everything in shades of blue. Furthermore, its vision was obscured by numbers and letters and printouts of appropriate responses. The T-1000 was probably the same. Thus, Waldo's biggest disadvantage - his rather garish wardrobe choices - is neutralized.

However, in order to find Carmen Sandiego one must simply follow the clues. These clues are mostly geography related (though some may have to do with history) and are known to many 12 year olds. We know that the Terminator is programed with extensive knowledge of history and especially American geography or at least a city map of L.A circa 1985.

Carmen goes down. You, however, should come with me if you want to live. (TM)

- Loss Leader

When have you ever seen Waldo move? He'll stand there frozen just like in all of the books as soon as he notices someone is looking for him. As anyone even slightly versed in surveillance and countersurveillance can tell you, someone standing still while everyone around them moves sticks out like a sore thumb.

- caseless@hotmail.com

Wow...what a close match! But, once again, you two ace-ignorami have completely forgotten the important points. Whilst you continue your girlish bickering, I'll attempt to enlighten everyone else.

Let's start with Waldo. I mean, have either of you ever even looked at a Waldo book? Lemme tell you, it's only easy to find the ubiquitous Waldo after a lot of practice...and he sure doesn't make it simple. No, sireebob. He throws in a ton of extra stuff you have to find. Look in the back of a Waldo book. There are checklists for every puzzle with at least 20 other items to locate in each one. Waldo'll be tossing out little trinkets, books, etc, and will also be magically causing funny little things to happen throughout the mall, like some caveman with running around with his loincloth on fire. Now THAT'S humor.

Using this devious ploy, Waldo will have little difficulty distracting the T-1000, which we all know will be busy by being skinny and grooming his massive, outlandish ears.

On the other hand, there's the feisty Carmen. Admittedly, she does have an army of arch-criminals at her disposal. But have you ever played a Carmen game before? These guys are the dopiest criminals to ever walk the earth (We won't get into the idea of criminals so "invisible" that they have game shows and CD-ROMS named after them). Besides, not only are they caught by munchkin game players all the time, but, when caught, these criminals routinely give up Carmen at the drop of a hat! Why do you think those games are so easy to beat? Carmen's army needs a lesson in loyalty.

No, that army of criminals won't do Carmen a bit of good. But the devious one has a secret weapon...ROCKAPELLA (tm)!!! Have you seen these guys sing? They have to be the biggest badasses of all time! Man, those pants, those suspenders...those sneakers! It's like Menudo (tm)...only cooler! With these guys, Carmen can easily outwit the moronic T-1000, which, despite being a state-of-the-art mimetic polyalloy (tm), still didn't know better than to leave Arnie for dead. I mean, seriously...he's Arnie.

Finally, we have to introduce one last piece of evidence. When, at last, it seems that Carmen and Waldo have exhausted themselves eluding the T-1000, he'll disappear for 35 minutes, allowing Waldo and Carmen to take off across the border and head for Mexico, where they'll be able to stock up on liquor and heavy artillery and lie in wait for the mechanical menace that will, unfortunately, wandering aimlessly through the mall, stabbing anyone wearing a trenchcoat.

Final Outcome...DRAW.

- Matt "Robert Patrick is a wimp" Lynch

1.) While no one in Canada dresses like Waldo (to my knowledge) I have never, in my many trips to WEM, seen someone dressed as ridiculously as Carmen Sandiego. A Red Fedora? Come on. And, Waldo could always sub in one of those cutesy little tiny backpack things which are oh so chic.

2.) Waldo could hide behind the giant neon guitar outside the Hard Rock Cafe (didn't know about that one, did you?)

- Guy Smiley in Edmonton

Well, let's take a look at some of the issues that would give one party or the other the advantage.

HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE - None. Neither party would be at an advantage in the Edmonton Mall.

TIME TRAVEL ADVANTAGE - None. Both parties have been known to travel back and forth in time. It wouldn't help anyway, since the Terminators(tm) can travel in time as well.

THE TECHNOLOGY DISADVANTAGE - Carmen. Carmen first appeared on home PCs. The vastly superior computer of the future (Skynet?) would be able to bypass any security measures that could possibly exist on an Apple IIe. Once the computer of the future found Carmen on Johnnie's hard drive, it would be a simple matter to delete her. Waldo, on the other hand, exists primarily in printed form.

As much as I hate to say it, I'll have to change my original vote and go with Waldo.

- Obscurifer

Let us not forget that Waldo always seems to have that stupid dog with him. This, as we all know, will set off the Terminator, as the dog will inevitably begin barking when he is near.

- Chuck Donovan - Virginia

This is a simple question indeed. You are overlooking the most important facts about Carmen(tm) and Waldo(tm). Carmen is actually a cool super-villan type, while Waldo is your run-of-the-mill-nerd(tm). Keeping in mind that malls are the known spawning grounds of nerds and losers everywhere, Waldo will have no trouble hiding out. However, Carmen, being the cool type, is toast. All the T-1000(tm) will have to do is slaughter the first person he sees with an ounce of taste and style, an it's all over.

- Your garden-variety (and mall-avoiding) Slug

Sorry guys, but this one is a draw. First off, Waldo would be the victim of his own popularity as he is hopelessly swarmed over and drowned in a sea of three to eight year olds all insisting they were the first to spot him.

Carmen meanwhile would have her own run-ins with a gaggle of overzealous mall security gaurds all wanting to be the first to grab her and make the big leap into real crime-fighting.

The T-1000 meanwhile would wander into Sharper Image or some other such store and be immediately purchased by Bill Gates (TM), or Michael Jackson (TM), or some other idiot with too much money (TM).

- Stephen "Just Stephen" Johnson

The outcome I believe depends upon the background and possible future of the participants. Obviuosly the T-1000 was sent from the future, in order to kill someone whose child is causing problems with the main computer. Waldo, I believe, will never have any children, being so hard to spot that no woman will ever get close enough to him to have actual intercourse. Carmen, on the other hand seems more likely to produce an heir, and more importantly an heir likely to cause trouble.

- Marty, The Burrower Beneath, Sweden

You have to understand that Carmen is extraordinarily devious. The "trenchcoat clad female" was not actually Carmen. Rather, she was one of Carmen's henchpeople whom Carmen sent to the mall as a plant. Carmen herself has already escaped to Edinburgh.

- Jeffrey Kolb, Hamilton College

Both contestants leave trails that make it possible for childern to follow them. Waldo, however, does so intentionaly. He will imediately realize that this is the one time he DOSEN'T want to be found quickly, and not leave any notes. Carmen Sandiago, on the other hand, can't resist discussing details of where she is going, even though she never reveals locations. After all, Carmen Sandiago NEVER wants to be found. The henchman will leave a train of subtle clues around the mall to lead the terminator on. Plus, there's Odd Claude. . The terminator will mistake Odd Claude for Waldo, and claim he has killed Waldo. Also, because of the cost of having employes subpinoed to testify, most stores in the US, and therfore probably most stores in Canada, do not call for security when they catch shoplifters. Carmen Sandiago will soon discover that she can't be arrested, and forget herself. A string of broken windiows, blaring alarms, and droped jewelry will make her easy to track. As a last resort, Waldo still has his cane, which can magicly take him out of the mall. Carmen Sandiago can escape the way she always does, but a terminator can track a helicopter much faster than an interdimentional rift. Always go with the hero- good always triumphs over evil in these childish books.

- Michael Moon

If Kelly Bundy can find Waldo, then certainly Metal Cop Dude(TM) can.

- The Listmeister

Well, Waldo isn't much, but still I have to give this one to him. Carmen is completely overrated, she is no more tricky and difficult to find than any of her goons. The only reason it takes so long is because she is always the last villain you go after in those games. And, if she is already at the mall, than it stands to reason all her goons have already been taken out, therefore she is by herself, and without her minions to back her up, Carmen will go down in record time. At best she will last fifteen minutes, but I don't think she'll make it even that long.

- Brendan W. Guy

We must consider historic precedence. We are all familiar with Skynet/Cyberdyne Systems preferences when designating behavioural modus in their Terminator (tm) models. Initial and primary line of inquiry- The Phone Company (tm). Of course, anyone familiar with The President's Analyst (1967) will of course understand The Machines' (tm) reasoning, as TPC is entirely Terminator-staffed!

Herein lies Waldo's faint yet crucial advantage. NO SURNAME! The T-1000, like his faithful brethren, will run for The Yellow Pages (tm) and left with the option to requisition either 'SanDiego, Carmen' or '?, Waldo',... well, I think you know where the finger will stop, in that fateful close-up.

T-1000, finding paydirt with 'SanDiego', won't even get to stage two (listening to the answering machine messages) with our bestriped man of mysterious origins. Just who are Waldo's parents, anyway?

- The Estradalizer

Enough of this Canada bashing!!! Lets get to the heart of the matter...Edmonton bashing. As a Canadian who lives far too close to Edmonton I can speak with great authority that both of these 'toons would die within seconds of one another. The reason is simple, they would both stick out like sore thumbs because they would be the two most attractive people in Edmonton (now that Wayne Gretzky and Janet no longer live there.) The T-1000 would kill them both and retire to the Fantasy Land Hotel's Post-Apocolyptic theme room(tm) and sip Atomic Margaritas for the rest of the day.

- Banff man

Waldo will win easily.

First, though Carmen may have henchmen, Waldo has a dog, a girlfriend, and a wizard helping him. *POOF* What henchmen?

Second, Waldo is in his element. Carmen is used to having whole countries/worlds/solar systems/timescapes to hide in, and avoids capure by fleeing from site to site. Waldo, however, is used to hiding in plain sight in a single crowded scene. Carmen won't know what to do when she finds all the mall doors locked.

Third, even if Carmen succeeds in fleeing from store to store ahead of the T-1000, she can be found with logical deduction. Ol' T will simply question the people in the first store, who will say "There was a woman here who was looking for dogfood. She wore a big red hat." which will lead the killer robot, after searching his on-line atlas/almanac/encyclopedia/mall guide, to the pet shop, where he will ask more questions, and eventually track her down. Waldo, on the other hand, can only be found with right-brain leaps of intuition and visual thinking, which the T-1000 is utterly lacking.

- Joel Limmer

A little-known fact is that her overcoat is actually the "Urban Archaeologist Duster" sold by Eddie Bauer (tm) and is lined with high-tech Thinsulate (tm) insulation. These micro-fibers trap and contain body heat something like 1,000 times better than wool.

Waldo, however, is dressed head to toe in polyester weaves.

Big deal, you say? Not when the T-1000 switches on his infra-red body heat-sensing terminator vision (also tm). In infra-red mode, Carmen will look like a store mannequin while Waldo sticks out like the cheaply-dressed dog that he is. Bang, bang. Scratch one Waldo.

- Pete Van Dyke

Who does Waldo hide from? Extremely young children, with no more qualifications than that they bought a book.

Who does Carmen hide from? Older children, who not only have computers but also are members of the ACME Detective Agency.

Obviously, Carmen's the one with the skills.

Not only that: Carmen goes from one place to another, always staying a step ahead of her pursuers. Waldo stands still! He just stands there? You call this hiding? T-1000 goes to the top floor, looks down, does an image analysis, finds them both. By the time he gets to where they were, Carmen is gone (though someone remembers her saying she was going to check out a reproduction of "Persistence of Vision" in the poster shop) but Waldo is still standing right there, like a target.

Waldo is found in 30 minutes. Carmen steals the skating rink.

- Denis Moskowitz

Waldo knows quite a bit about the world and will blend in with the crowd. He won't say "So y' hosers, what do you think of beavers, eh?" He'll say things normally. Carmen being slightly confused with the whole problem, speaks in a stereotypical tongue causing people to became insulted and start beating on her.

- Smutton

Here in New Zealand (and in the UK I believe) the bespectacled one is known as Wally, not Waldo. What would be on his passport? Terminators tend to wipe out the poor schmo's who happen to have the same name, live in same apartment, etc. Getting a confirmed match will be so much harder because Wally/do DOESN'T HAVE A LAST NAME.

Carmen does have a surname, thereby making her exponentially easier to track, especially as she'd leave a credit history as she drifted around the mall which would be as easy to follow as an oil spill from a leaking supertanker. Wal, conversely, is a poor backpacker who would sparingly use his meagre supply of hard cash.

Wally/Waldo will be thumbing a lift while Carmen's last gasps are caught by a concerned onlooker: "She said she was going to visit-- uh- - Rama Krishnu by the Silver Shores of the Celestial City?"

Yes folks, she's travelled the world, she's tripped through time, now visit the Halls of Valhalla, the Seven levels of Hades, the Happy Hunting Ground, and MORE in "Where in the Afterlife is Carmen Sandiego?"(tm)

- John Hunter

2 hours in, and the T-1000 hasn't caught a glimpse of either of them. He starts to get frustrated. Why SkyNet(tm) sent him to this godforsaken Mall, he doesn't know. Getting his hands on the dweeb or hussy is all he thinks about..."That's it, I'm going for a beer." He heads to Red's, the huge lounge on the second floor down the hallway from the huge Santa Maria.

Meanwhile, in another part of the Mall:

In LaSenza, one of Canada's best known female unmentionables shop, a bright white ball of light appears. A nude man is laying on the floor. He stands up and goes over to the cashier.

"Yer black-lace teddies. Gib dem to me."

Back at Red's, the T-1000 sees many people rushing by, murmuring something about a cross-dressing Ah-nold in Galaxyland(tm). Everybody clears out of the pub and heads to see this unusual sight.

With everybody out of the way, the T-1000 finds it much easier to locate Carmen, who spent most of her time wandering around Sears' audio/visual department, watching one of her crooks get nabbed on PBS. *zap*

Ah, but Where's Waldo(tm)? Waldo, helped immensely by his niceguy/dweeb stereotype, finds hiding spots where no one would suspect him by shedding his nice guy image. First it was to the cheap dollar theatre, catching a few screenings of Showgirls. Then, off to West Ed's most popular "family restaurant" (Honestly! That's what the sign says!), Hooters(tm)!

Thus, while Waldo's relieving some "stress", a Mall sanitation engineer is called to mop up carnage in Phase I.

- Vlad the Wonder Hamster

There's [a] major factor--the Land of Waldos. (Hell, I still can't find the one with only one shoe on.) I would imagine those guys will wanna help their doppleganger out, and their interference (and dead bodies, piled up and rotting) will surely keep the T-1000 from finding his prey, and give Waldo more places to hide.

- Jim Smith

Waldo is, for all essencial purposes, designed to be found in a short period of time. Carmen's sole purpose, on the other hand, is to lead you on a maddening case that leaves you completely frustrated. (Not unlike my Ex-girlfriend (tm), but I digress.)

As soon as the T-1000 scans a large crowd... BAM! Target lock! Moron in a red and white sweater at 12 o'clock! Termy moves in and wastes the Waldster in 2 minutes flat!

The fun doesn't end there though...

Carmen, via her Hench Men (tm), learns the origins of the T-1000 and decides to check out this horrible future herself. Using the time machine she had from Where In Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (tm, I mean it this time!) she hops up the time line a few decades. Once there she sees an oportunity. Using her experiance in stealing improbable objects (Statue of Liberty, Grand Canyon, ect.) she sniches SKY NET! After reprograming the Netmiester Carmen finds herself in control of a massive army of terminators. She would quickly incorporate them into the V.I.L.E. super structure and soon millions of Arnold look alikes would be stealing monuments and land marks across all of time and space. Carmen ends up ruler of the universe, and just for laughs has Waldo taken alive and made her boy toy.

- Theo

Gotta be Waldo. Waldo hides, not out of fear but for fun. He invented hiding in plain sight and he does it purely to annoy anyone looking for him. He's the master of his craft. The Regent of Recluses. His favorite strategey is to leave red and white object scattered all over the place so the pursuer will waste valuable time checking candy canes, spare hats, etc.

Now Carmen's cocky as hell. Not only is she daring enough to steal giant treasures of the world (she's probably only at Edmonton because she's got the Great Pyramid of Cheops stashed in the basement.), but she leaves _clues_ for anyone looking for her. Clues, by the way, which are solved everyday by any kid with a home computer and an encyclopedia. How hard is it going to be for a state of the art, top of the line robot to solve these "clues"? And let's not forget this robot is a hundred years ahead of its time, and _designed to find people_.

Even if T-1000 can't solve the Case of the Corny Canadian Carmen Clue(tm), he can always Just wait till the mall closes. While Waldo has carefully hidden himself in a Canadian flag display with spare hats strung across the store, Carmen will radio for some sort of gyro-plane, jump on the rope ladder, and fly out the skylight, the wind blowing her trenchcoat off one leg. She'll spout some stupid quip like, "Better luck next time, Terminator, Tut, Tut for now!" And this will get the T-1000's attention in less than a millisecond. Of course, unlike her other opponents, Arnold won't just stand around watching her escape termination. He'll blow her away with the shotgun he borrowed from the now defunct mall security. Three days later, Waldo leaves the mall and hops a private plane to Syria, under the name "Solon G. Sucker".

Waldo in less than 94 hours.

- Mike Smith

Let's think about this here. Waldo is a master of "hide-and-go-seek;" he eventually gets found, true (even though it might take years upon years upon years upon YEARS UPON YEARS...whoops. Sorry), but that's in a static environment where no one is moving. Everyone's just standing there like some kind of bad existential French drama. With a whole big crowd of noisy, frantic, downright George Romero-esque ("...must...get...Tickle Me Elmo...") Christmas Shopper Zombies from Mars (tm) to hide in, he'll take his game to a whole new level.

Carmen, on the other hand, is a fish out of water. She's only got one time period and one geographical area to hide in? Also, let's not forget Carmen's unbelievable facility to let people see her entering and leaving crime scenes. With this kind of evidence trail to follow, Wendy and Marvin from the old "Super Friends" cartoon could find her, much less the Officer Friendly/T-1000. Her only hope is if the T-1000 runs off to assault Burt Reynolds with a golf club (now that's an arcane film reference). Even then, he'll probably take a bit of spare time off and send a few 9mm shells Carmen's way. Game, set, and match, Waldo.

- Thomas Wilde

i voted for waldo because my wife made me. she thinks he is a babe.

- poor henpecked bastard

If the Terminator T-1000 is smart, the following should make it very easy to find Waldo:

- touch a small child
- use that child's voice to cry loudly that "I can't find him!"

Eventually Waldo will kindly take pity and step out of the shadows and announce cheerily, "Never fear, little one! Here I am! 'Tis all in good fun!" Then he gets his flesh torn off.

- D. Hyatt

Well Brian, you made a good point about the henchmen, but you are forgetting about the T-1000's morphing capabilities. That may be 20 more guys looking for Waldo, but at the same time, it is 20 more guys for the T-1000 to kill and impersonate. This would allow him to get close to Carmen, not to mention the other henchmen, and kill her. Besides, we all know that crime doesn't pay, and Carmen is the only criminal of the two.

- Matt

The T-1000 spots Carmen first, but she nimbly ducks into a Victoria's Secret boutique and hides in a changing room. Store security halt the T-1000 scant feet from the booths (they've dealt with these perverts before). It ponders whether to draw attention to its clandestine mission with a couple gratuitous slayings. Just before deciding "Of *course* I do", the squeals of children outside turn his head.

A gaggle of tykes, well trained by several Waldo books and innumerable Sunday strips, are shouting "I see him! I see him!" Rather than waste time choosing between curtains, T-1000 follows them to his other quarry. Waldo tries desperately to hide, but the children are too eagle-eyed and persistent. Soon, however, they run screaming from the gory spectacle.

Meanwhile, Carmen has almost slipped out of Victoria's Secret before her criminal urges strike, and she shoplifts two pairs of lace-topped stockings. The aforementioned store security descend on her, and before any of her henchmen can come to break her out of the back room, T-1000 returns to finish the job (and pick a nice corset out of the wreckage for himself).

Carmen wins a pyrrhic victory, and Fox buys the security-cam videos of the carnage for a special: "Retail Slaughters II".

- Call me Shane

Waldo would win hands down and anyone who has ever played any of the Carmen Sandiego games and also searched for Waldo would understand why. It's hard enough to find Waldo in an area the size of a restaurant, a park or an Aztec pyramid. Even the best of us have to take a couple of minutes to snare the little bastard. Finding Carmen is much easier. All you have to do is show up in the correct city and she invariably shows up. As well, for a thief, she's pretty damn sloppy. Everywhere I went when I was looking for her there were witnesses pointing me in the right direction. If it's that easy to find Carmen when she can go anywhere in the entire world, I think that a T-1000 should have little or no trouble finding her within the 20-odd city blocks of WEM.

- P.B.

Have to go with Carmen on this one

Waldo and Carmen are both really easy to find, but Waldo's designed for ages 3+ while Carmen requires 7+. While the T-1000 is indeed an upgraded model, let's remember that Arnold's Teminator didn't come back with enough knowledge to know the address of the correct Sarah Connor! How the heck is the T-1000 going to know all of the minutia about states. countries, and history to decipher all of the stupid clues that "helpful" people provide, assuming that the T-1000 can get around it's poor people skills? Carmen's going to go to ground, staying one step ahead of the T-1000.

Waldo's always wearing that stupid outfit. Who _knows_ what Carmen's got under that big trenchcoat? If she can walk off with the Eifel Tower(TM), she's got to have something pretty impressive.

Meanwhile, the T-1000 has _got_ to notice the idiot always grinning at him from various places. Carmen's never around; Waldo always has to be in line of sight. Sooner or later, T-1000's going to pick up on it, and Waldo's going to be a wet pile of goo with a stocking cap, glasses and a cane.

- Reverend

The T-1000 will find and hunt down Carmen well before he even thinks about the torture of finding Waldo.

All that the T-1000 needs to do in order to find Madame Mystery herself is consult the handy-dandy World Almanac(TM) that he was supplied with since he decided that he wanted to obliterate Carmen. Since the T-1000's mission is to kill and not to take to jail, he is unhampered by the need to obtain a warrant, or observe any other rules that an Acme Slueth(TM) must follow. As he searches for Carmen, a strange woman approaches him and asks him, "What is the largest mall in Canada?" Pausing for only a second, T-1000 whips out the Almanac(TM) and answers, "The West Edmonton Mall." Upon answering the question correctly, T-1000 is instantly transported to the antique handkerchief store where he finds Carmen attempting to steal the Klinger Rag, the ancient holy symbol of northwestern Toledo.

On the other hand, if our fearless T-1000 goes in search of the elusive Waldo, he gets no outside help. He only gets the jeering of thousands of other people who wonder why he is so inept that he hasn't found Waldo yet. T-1000 being as technoloically advanced as he is, decides to take snap shots of scenes to try and find Waldo. After hours and hours of fruitless searching, T-1000 finally spots what he thinks is Waldo. As he moves towards the spot, all he finds is one of the other people that look strikingly like Waldo, yet is not exactly him. By this time, Waldo has already left the mall and is currently touring the Pyramids of Egypt, followed immedately by a circus in Toledo.

- Bamf - The 8th member of Koolio & the Gang

It will end in a tie.

T-1000 is passing by the skating rink when he suddenly spots Waldo, but wait it's two Waldos. Actually it's Bob and Doug MacKenzie on their way play some pickup hockey. They're wearing red toques, to go with their Detroit RedWings sweaters (the gift shop was out of Oilers), carrying their hockey sticks, and equipment bags slung over their shoulders. So they do look a bit like Waldo from a distance.

Inside T-1000's head its micro-processor is going ... "Malfunction....Malfunction...all circuits overload....POP!" It staggers backwards, and falls against an NHL-97 video game. Zap, the T-1000 is re-programmed, he morphs into Wendel Clark, drops his gloves an proceeds to get 5 and a game for fighting.

With T-1000 heading to an early shower, Waldo and Carmen have no choice but to call off their contest and head for the nearest bar to watch the Leafs loose again.

- (Stoppin') Tom Landers.

Carmen is wearing something comperable to a buick on her head and the answer becomes simple. Waldo would be able to hide IN Carmen's hat and then, at opportune times, poke his little head out and yell stuff like "HEY EVERYONE!!! I'm Carmen Sandiego and i think the T-1000 is a big PUSSY!!" well then...the T-1000 would perk his little ears up, waltz on over to Carmen, and turn her into so much proccessed cheese food. Her hat would flutter down to the ground; about an hour and a half after the mashing of its owner, waldo would waltz on outta there.

- Akhamed

Carmen has her own theme song from her TV show. As she was attracted by her own name being sung over and over again in an annoying tone, she would stop and take notice. If she didn't commit suicide after hearing the words over and over and over and over (you get the point) again she would go absolutely mad. A shady looking character with a sombrero screaming and attacking people (as most people do after hearing the theme song) would be easy to spot by the T-1000. As Carmen is being turned into lunchmeat, Waldo slips out of the mall unnoticed. Victory - Waldo.

- strange.quark@usa.net

One thing: THIS IS CANADA. Waldo's environment is in huge, freakish crowds full of people doing outlandish things. Thus, he will blend in, unlike Carmen, who is used to the 'real' world and will panic at the sight of a lion attacking a walking cactus wearing spectacles. Her red trenchcoat will be a flag as she bolts towards the door in fear, only to be impaled on the long, metallic claw of the T-1000's hand, still bloody from the security guard. Meanwhile, Waldo laughs in maniacal glee as he vaults the quickly stiffening corpse to freedom.

- The Great Omniscient Lord Jeremy

finding waldo has never been that difficult for me. but have you seen what you have to go through to find carmen? you have to identify eight different geographical features in 45 seconds. and there has never been a more difficult time to study geography. "ok, t-1000, you know the rules, your first country is slovenia." yeah, right. if i were an advanced killing machine, i'd go for the geek dressed as a candy cane.

- jeff

In this matchup, Waldo has a serious disadvantage. Despite his penchant for playing clever little hide-and-seek games, Waldo WANTS to be found. He may delight in seeing how long it takes his audience to locate him, but ultimately, standing in plain sight, "hidden" only by the sheer number of distractions around him, he expects to be discovered. Carmen, on the other hand, has no such passive exhibitionistic desires. Any glimpse we catch of Carmen is sheer luck -- a shoe, a coattail at best -- as she slinks off to another hiding spot.

With his high-tech array of robotic sensor equipment, the T-1000 will spot Waldo in no time. All that will remain is a melted pair of glasses and a curl of smoke, while Carmen, ever elusive, will refuse to come out of hiding to even accept her WWWF title.

- Tarot Lady

This is a terrific match because each of the participants has unique strengths and weaknesses that interact subtly. T-1000 is devastatingly lethal but dumber than a can of Alpo; Waldo is a charismatic gladhander who blends into any crowd, but his compulsion to be seen prevents any successful effort at concealment; Carmen is a criminal mastermind cursed with unquenchable greed and spectacular arrogance --she can't quit while she's ahead, she always tries for too much. It plays out this way - Carmen quickly finds Waldo (really, who couldn't?) and exploits his need to be part of a crowd by setting him up as a decoy (remember, she never has trouble finding dimwitted and expendable henchmen). As T-1000 cuts a gory path through the crowd, Waldo gracefully glides through an exit into the Canadian winter. Waldo's patented AnyClimate Super-Goretex wardrobe can handle the frigid winds and near-absolute zero temps, but not so the T-1000. Remember, this guy is not quite as mentally acute as the AHnuld model, and has mercury for brains. T-1000 freezes up, literally, and Carmen closes in to snatch the biggest prize of her career, the T-1000 itself.

- The Lone Gunmen

I just read you rmost [sic] recent wwwf grudge match and i must consider long and hard before i read your site again. I am a canadian and we are nnothing [sic] like what Brian Described [sic] us as being like

Carmen is a thief by nature, which will of course allow her to fit in well in any shopper's paradise, the West Edmenton Mall most certainly not excluded. The T-1000, who goes about finding a person by asking bystanders while he is in his cop disguise, will also be inherently disliked by the majority of the shoppers, teenagers. Waldo, who dresses like a dork, will also be disliked by the youngsters, and will be then be subject to various actions that will make him stand out even more (slurpies being dumped on his head, being "loogied" upon, etc.)

One ever-important factor has been left out: The Rage (tm). Waldo has been trodding around in his pre-adolescent garb for who knows how many years, hiding, waving, smirking...his psyche is definately on the brink. He finally realizes this is not the true Waldo. He switches out of the "find-me" mode and into the "seek-and-destroy" mode, thus blowing all the T-1000's preconcieved ideas of this innocent boy. This advantage is all he needs. Using a decoy (he convinces about a thousand people to dress in his same clothes, just as he always has) he draws the T-1000 into a state of confusion. Then, in utter brilliance, deftly places the only Tickle-Me-Elmo (tm) doll in Canada atop the T-1000's head. As the crowd of red and white clad Elmo-crazed shoppers converge, the T-1000 goes haywire, blindly shooting shards of liquid metal until all that's left is sent to the recycling center for processing. Then, seeing as his knowledge of Geography of the Mall (tm) is second to none, Waldo locates Carmen and beats her worse than if she had vandalized in Singapore. Thus Waldo comes out the victor and is honored by the Canadian people by replacing the misunderstood "Boxing Day" with "Waldo Day."

- Rick Whitehead

Not being a total idiot, and having his boyish predilection with video games, Waldo immediately hits a computer store in the Edmonton Mall. Running to the software shelves he picks out the newest game title, "Where in the Edmonton Mall is Carmen Sandiego?" and begins the installation process on a floor model of the computer belonging to the store. It should be noted that with Arnold's protection, the store manager can do nothing to stop Waldo.

The T-1000 is still searching randomly through the crowd when it senses a disturbance at a computer store and begins walking really fast and with that T-1000 fierce determination in that direction.

Waldo is now playing the game and narrowing down the possibilities of Carmen's position. Even Waldo can solve these puzzles. Arnold spots the T-1000's approach and prepares a defense.

Carmen is still hiding away in the trench coat cubicle being eyed suspiciously by a mall security guard, who being politely Canadian, asks if he can help her. Carmen relates her story to him. The security guard immediately begins mobilization efforts for the entire mall security force.

The T-1000 is immediately set upon by one security guard after another who politely ask him what is going on. not being one for talk, one by one the T-1000 skewers the security guards, each slowing him down by a second or two.

Waldo is getting closer to finding Carmen.

Arnold grabs red christmas ribbon from the store shelves, counters, windows, etc. and begins rapping Waldo's chest in the red ribbon. Removing Waldo's hat effectively makes him look like Gilligan from behind in his ever present red shirt and jeans.

With a shish kebab of Edmonton Mall security guards, the T-1000 apporaches the computer store. Waldo has found Carmen Sandiego. The computer screen shows she is still taking refuge in the seemingly safe London Fog cubicle. Arnold says to Waldo, "Come on little buddy." in a questionable accent. But it's curtains for... Carmen. The T-1000 sees her on the monitor, turns tail and makes a speeding dash for the London Fog store.

In his mad dash across the mall, the T-1000 assumes the form of a security guard he killed. On reaching the store, the "security guard" approaches Carmen. She breathes a sigh of relief, "Is everything alright?" The T-1000, not much for conversation, lances her through the gut with a liquid metal arm, raises her above his head, and walks off with a brand new London Fog umbrella.

- Rich

Everyone knows that the first person to die in a horror/action flick is the token nerd/gay/black character

- Rex Felis, Lord of the Cats

My six year old cousin has both "Where's Waldo"(tm) and "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"(tm). She has found Waldo a multitude of times, but she has never found Carmen. I never found Carmen when I played the much cruder version, and in fact no one else I know has either. Why?

Becuase playing "Where in the World is Carmen Sanidiego?" is unalterably boring. The T-1000 will soon grow tired of constantly disovering the location of Carmen's henchpersons, and I find it hard to believe that he will care too much about advancing in rank at the ever-prestigious Acme Detective Agency ("Good job! You are now a Detective First-Claaaaaaaggggahhhaggggag!!!! ).

Everyone finds Waldo in the end, and soon all that will remain of him is a blood soaked sweater and broken glasses, lying disconsolately on the floor of the Food Court.

- Shaft

Ha ha ha! You fools! Clearly the winner of this alledged competition is blatantly obvious. Actually winner*s*. All 28 000 000 of them.

Allow me to elaborate. Within two minutes of entering the West Edmonton Mall Carmen, Waldo and the T-1000 are identified by the advanced security system installed by Scotty and the crack security force led by Captain Kirk leaps into action. With the combined forces of Baltar *and* Commander Adama providing air cover, the crack investigative team of detectives Nick Knight, Jeff "Martial Law" Wincott, lawyer Perry Mason, forensic scientist Sam Fujiyama and Lt Frank Drebin take the lead. Led by the demonstrably-superior- to-all-things-American Corporal Benton Frasier, the investigators locate our two fugitives within twenty minutes.

Carmen is shipped off to Immigration for entering the country illegally while Waldo is held under suspicion of drug use (he even looks like a pot-smoking-cocaine-snorting-American junkie). Now the only thing that remains is the T-1000. Clearly, this requires the Big Boys(tm).

First, Marty McFly hops into the DeLorean and does some recce in the past. Max Headroom and Johnny Mnemonic hack the computer system to prevent the T-1000 from accessing it to try and find an escape. Klingon troops led by General Chang and Kor surround the building to prevent the metamorphic bozoid from escaping with Starfleet grunts under Lt Valeris providing tech support. Tonto scouts out the interior and locates the robot. Assigned for this mission to its captain's authority, the SeaQuest surfaces in the submarine tour pool and targets weapons. The T-1000, realizing it's outgunned, tries to run but is delayed by cable repair man singing Jefferson Airplane songs, some guy in a green suit with question marks and a weirdo in a Mask (there's some other guy running around named Ace who has a monkey but he doesn't count). It tries to slither down a drain but finds its way blocked by secret government agents who specialize in freaks led by Cancer Man and Donald "Puppet Masters" Sutherland, not to mention a bunch of teenybopper vampires led by Kiefer.

Finally there is a resounding CRASH and Superman, guided by Lois Lane, swoops down to protect the land of his co-creator while Supergirl herself joins the attack. Perry Mason makes a quick call to his pal Godzilla and Fay Wray to her buddy King Kong and *smoosh*, they're selling "Terminator Silver Silly Putty" in the local Toys 'R Us.

After the victory the troops are entertained by The Kids in the Hall, half the cast of Saturday Night Live, Alanis Morissette, Bryan Adams and Rush.

So there, yankee scum. Insult Canajuns, will ya?

- Keith "Oh, Canada" Morrison

What about Alex Trebek (tm)?

Silly, easily fooled boys. Carmen and Waldo were just a front to distract all of the other shoppers. T-1000 was really looking for the last Tickle-me-Elmo doll in Canada to give to his kid, T-1001. Try to stay on the ball, guys.

- Janice

You both have left one thing out. I am from Edmonton (I don't however wear a butterfly collar, but do have a backpack). It is cold up here. I mean really cold. The T-1000 would freeze and shatter in the parking lot. He won't find either until summer (which is June 21 12:00 PM to 12:30 PM) when he melts and is able to reform.

- Jared Hinman

Waldo is the epitome of chaos. Everywhere he goes, seemlingly normal people begin to act like complete buffoons, vehicles of every sort swerve out of control, edifices of every architecture sway precariously. If the Lord of Chaos can affect all matter, why would he not affect the T-1000? Surely as soon as the T-1000 gets within 50 yards of Waldo he will find himself ducking anvils, coconuts and the like. Even the T-1000's sophisticated computer cannot track an infinite number of moving objects. So he fixates on the only still object in the room: Carmen -- relying on her proven tactic of hiding to elude the T-1000. The security guards are never sure where that red stain on the wall came from.

- Brian Kutner

Carmen doesn't stand a chance. In her infinite wisdom, she stops by Sport Chek and purchases a hockey jersey. Hockey? Canada? No problem, she'll blend in perfectly!

But she makes one fatal mistake.

It's a Calgary Flames jersey. 'Nuff said. (Result: After 1700 Oilers fans are through with her, the T-1000 finishes her off)

- Deejay

Personally, I'd like the T-1000 to terminate them both!! I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old who think Waldo is a God! I also have a 12 year old who thinks Carmen Sandiego is 'the Bomb'. I've killed millions of brain cells looking for both of them. But, I've found Carmen a lot more than I've found Waldo. Let's face it, after staring at one of those Waldo pictures for more than five minutes, all you want is a federal law banning them and a good stiff drink! And if it is at all possible, could you have 'Barney' standing next to Carmen when the T-1000 finds her?

- Felicia 'Cheers' Reevers

Well, as a red-blooded canuck who's *been* to the West Edmonton Mall, I'd have to say that circumstances definitely favour Carmen. Yes, striped sweaters and toques are in (in fact, they're a prequesite if you want to immigrate to Canada) but the colours (note the spelling of "colours" -- with a "u", the proper way) of choice this year are, for some reason, browns and earthy greens. Also, Canadians just aren't as patriotic as our cousins to the south. That means few, if any, red and white flags. Carmen, however, would be smart enough to see the fashion trend and make a switch accordingly. Waldo relies on never being caught in the first place. But the only way he could hide from T-1000 in the West Edmonton Mall is by hanging out in front of a barber shop, impersonating the barber pole.

- David Nelson

Carmen can just hang around one of those fragrance shops, or the cosmetics counter of a big department store. The clerks will be spraying everyone walking by with perfume samples, thus protecting Carmen from the T-1000. Even the T-1000 is not immune to overdoses of the latest smelly concoction from Liz Taylor or Calvin Klein! She will prevail, to steal again.

- lynnmh

Well look at this... you have overlooked a VERY important fact. Both Carmen and Waldo are normal human size aren't they?--Think again!!! You see, Carmen has been identified as human, but Waldo always appears very very small and is used to be surrounded be small people... or are they people??? I have reason to believe that Waldo may not be HUMAN!! If he were human, he'd be the world's smallest miget-boy that ever existed! You see, I believe that Waldo is actually part of a 'playful-yet-destructive' alien race that is just trying to get on our good sides to unexpectedly commence an intergalactic war!!! Oh, I can see it all now, the plasma cannons firing, the green little men flying around! Oh, the humanity! The horror! Well, back to the situation in progress. Waldo will be so small that nobody will be able to see him. What's that? You think he might get stepped on? No way. Not Waldo! Waldo has been known for his hiding abilities. If he's this good, he must be fairly agile as well! The way I see it, Waldo won't even be spotted, and Carmen will be turned into a nice, red, chunky paste. But hey, we've gotta give Carmen some credit. She has, of course, had her own share of 'run from the killer' situations. But she can't hold out forever, and that's where Waldo will surely dominate.

- Smaller is better... I must suck.

As you point out continually in your analysis of the match, it is Canada. Despite the fact that Canada lags behind socially (gotta tell you that means a lot coming from a country where it is legal to buy beer, scotch and a handgun in the same store) and the fact that Canada has, essentially, bad hats (also means alot coming from a country that started this retro 70's thing that we are all suffering through once again...hey, you were the guys that started that in the first place, why, I oughtaa....), Canada is renowned for two other things:

1) the superior taste of our beer, which compared to US competitors is said to be like honey is to dogpiss and
2) the really cold weather.

As was noted in your T-1000 summary that you provide for the sci-fi challenged, the T-1000 freezes up in the cold. Since we are talking about Edmonton in the winter here, the climate is working against the T-1000. The average winter temperature in Edmonton, as anyone who has lived there could tell you, is absolute zero, a temperature that the T-1000 can't handle. Waldo, is wearing a toque, which as any Canadian will be able to tell you, will protect you from temperatures that one would normally associate with winters on Pluto.

So, Waldo makes a dash outside and starts waving his arms about violently in order to:

1) stay warm and
2) **atract** the T-1000's ire.

This brilliant 180 degree about face in his normal strategy confuses the T and he immediately sets out in hot pursuit. As he nears his victim, he begins to feel the cold and, just as he is about to rend poor Waldo limb from limb, he freezes as solid as an iceberg.

But that's not all.

Waldo, cunning little toque clad git that he is, realizes that the game ain't over until the lady with the trenchcoat is toast, has a cunning plan. He slips back inside the mall after securing the T-1000 in a nearby freezer truck (very common in Canada, if the temperature starts to warm, the doors to millions of strategically placed freezer trucks are simultaneously opened to ensure that the fragile winter eco-system remains stable), and goes to the nearest Starbucks stand for a well deserved Latte and Chocolate Chip muffin. Buzzing on caffeine and chocolate, Waldo slips through Carmen's web of henchmen, finds Waldo (set a thief to catch a thief, set a hider to catch a hider) and finds Carmen.

Quietly, cunningly, Waldo clubs Carmen over the head and spirits her out to the trailer. He puts her in the back with the still frozen T-1000 and adjusts the temperature in said reefer until the T-1000 comes back to life. The t-1000 then sees Carmen, rips her arm off, and beats her to death with the wet end in typical grisly, terminator fashion.

Waldo Wins. Carmen Dies....justiccccce.

- Beer-swilling, toque wearing, rabidly nationalistic Canuck.

Well, this one was a tough call. While at first glance, Waldo and Carmen appear to be experts at hiding, but first impressions are decieving. Waldo, while good at camoflauge, is hamstrung by his arrogance. He's always got to peek out around the object he's hiding behind, instead of having the good sense to stay hidden. This flaw will quickly be exposed (along with several of his interior organs) by the T-1000.

- Doug

As we all know, Ivy and Zack are already looking for Carmen for the many crimes she has committed. The Chief would naturally have sent any information regarding the current whereabouts of Carmen so as not to allow her to escape justice once more. The T-1000 would have been distracted from Waldo by Dan Quayle who, due to the hilarious spin-off book "Where's Dan Quayle?", would have been hiding in the Edmonton Mall also while searching for a dicitionary to learn the proper spelling of potato(or is it potatoe?). Waldo would emerge victorious being carried out on the shoulders of thousands of screaming three year old Canadians who have finally found him for the first time only to have him disappear once again.

- M.W. & M.T.

Carmen has a secret weapon -- no one knows what's under the trenchcoat! As the T-1000 approaches, she flashes him. Whatever is under the coat is good enough to surprise him for a few seconds. The henchmen then throw T-1000 through another handy plate glass window and into the Canadian winter, which easily reaches liquid nitrogen temps. The T-1000 freezes solid, a few whacks with a Louisville slugger, and the terminator is reduced to ball-bearings. Since he won't thaw back out into liquid for at least eight months (if ever -- this is Canada!), Carmen escapes. Waldo, happy to drift forever in the mall crowds, is left to face a defrosted T-1000 now sporting a bad attitude and a splitting headache.

- Beowulf

Oh man, it's a no-brainer. It all boils down to compute power:

Carmen Sandiego runs on PeeCees, Macs, and even the venerable Apple II. The most cycles Carmen has at her disposal is either a large PowerMac, or a Pentium Pro (TM).

The T-1000 has a whole air-conditioned room full of large UNIX (TM) machines, and possibly even real Supercomputers (TM), rendering him.

Waldo has no computing power, but has his mind, and the imaginations of all of his readers. As shown in the first Terminator movie, human ingenuity can conquer even the Ahhnold-style Terminator. Since the Ahhhnold-style Terminator beat the T-1000, one can use transitivity to prove that human ingenuity can beat the T-1000.

Besides, did you ever ever see Bill Gates and Waldo in the same room at the same time?

- Dan McD.

Carmen, definitely.I mean, think about it. Even if Waldo DID pay hundreds of little kids to dress like him as decoys, Carmen would be the one. Have you ever read this guy's books? He is always dropping stuff. His keys, his cane, I think he even lost his wife once. All Terminater would have to do would be following his trail of assorted junk while Carmen plotted to steal the Natural History Museum.

- Marisa A.

Wait! Wait! I need to change my vote! :(

When I first encountered this problem, I thought it was a no-brainer. But last night I had a life changing experience. I WENT TO OUR LOCAL MALL. Unbelievable. A woolly mammoth could remain hidden for weeks. This is indeed a very special problem.

Ever wonder how shopping malls are able to stuff so many humans into a small space. It is because they license a special mall version of People Krunch compression from the fine folks at PKZIP (tm). And during the Christmas season, they use it with the -ex option, thereby insuring a full quarter of the Earth's population will be in the Edmonton Mall at any given moment. It will be almost impossible to touch yourself (c) much less navigate effectively. The T-1000 must employ a strategy.

Since John Conner is still alive, it has defaulted into its second program: disrupt the government so that it is leaderless, bewildered and dazed (need I say more?) and unable to defend themselves in the coming machine takeover. The WWWG programmers find the T-1000 in Washington DC where the terminator has just iced Newt Gingrich. The WWWG programmers perform their magic and the T-1000 is off to Edmonton with a very vigorous trip involving tractor trailer rigs, helicopters, latching onto the backs of cars, etc. Once in Edmonton Mall the real action begins.

Upon arrival, the T-1000 quickly discovers the futility of searching for his targets in this human quagmire. The T-1000, now in the form of a LA cop wielding a nightstick, is able to bludgeon his way to the mall office. Being that it is the Christmas buying season and someone yelled something about a Tickle Me Elmo (tm) doll, no one seems to notice anything out of the ordinary. Inasmuch as the T-1000 can only mimic SIMPLE machines, upon entering the mall office he does that morph thingy (tm) into Newt Gingrich and begins spewing some horse hooey about Contract with the Consumers. Soon all the managers come pouring out of their offices arguing over their budgets only to be confronted with hogwash about M&Ms (tm) and airline seats. Before long the budget of the mall collapses and the mall closes for THREE WEEKS! With all mall employees furloughed and the public locked out, the T-1000 can navigate freely to find his targets, the ONLY TWO remaining in the mall hidden: WALDO and CARMEN.

Locating either target actually is surprisingly easy. Since the T-1000 is still in the shape of Newt, both Carmen and Waldo begin heaving whenever he gets close. Since Waldo has velcroed (tm) himself to the Wendy's (tm) hamburger sign and Carmen was in a clothing rack on the floor, Carmen is closer and gets the point. :(

However this story does have a happy ending. The T-1000/Newt, with his programming complete meanders back to Washington where he was originally reprogrammed. Program complete, he slumps into the speakers chair and shuts down. The republicans love this, since he is no longer constantly sticking his feet in his mouth, and the democrats, I should say, are quite overjoyed. The T-1000/Newt in this comatose state becomes one of the most effective legislators in modern history. All is smooth until during a heated joint session of congress someone kicks Newt re-engaging his "Kill"" programming. The resulting 23 minutes of Bipartisan Congressional Carnage (tm) is captured by C-SPAN (tm), who make a mint off the video on Pay-Per-View (tm). The T-1000 disappears (does that floor thingy (tm)) before Muldar and Scully arrive and is never heard from again. Newt becomes a legendary American Folk Hero (tm) as a man who finally knows how to deal with congress.

- mattchew

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Captain Kangaroo v. Mister Rogers
Barney v. Wesley
Men in Black v. Mork