Once again, a group of foolish Americans has resurrected the great mummy Imhotep. This time, however, Imhotep has advanced unchecked due to Brendan Fraser's obligations to Dudley Dooright 2: Lost In Regina. Controlling the invincible Army of Anubis, Imhotep cannot be slowed by even the mightiest militaries of the world.
After a bloody conquest of Egypt, he moves north into Israel where he enslaves its people so that they may build monuments unto him. Their first task is to build a temple in his honor. Rather quickly (zombie taskmasters can be very motivational), the Temple of Imhotep is constructed on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Instead of an altar, however, two golden thrones are placed inside, where Imhotep and his bride, Anck Su Namun, may sit as King and Queen (or perhaps as God and Goddess?) of the World. Numerous statues bearing Imhotep's image are placed throughout. A great coronation ceremony is now taking place.
The celebration is interrupted, however, when clouds begin to gather on a nearby hillside. Lightning and thunder lash out, and an eerie reddish light begins to glow. After a few moments, a lone figure comes down the hillside. He has long white hair and beard, bears the colors of a Levite, and carries a long walking staff. His pace is deliberate, and leads him to the Temple gate. Two zombie guards thrust their axes down to block his way. Intrigued, Imhotep waves his hand, ordering his guards to let him pass. He is interested to hear what such a bold man has to say.
The man marches up to the thrones, thrusts out his hand and bellows, "Imhotep! Let my people go!"
So can Moses manage to master this malicious monarch, or will the Mummy and his minions mangle the melodramatic messenger?
PAUL: Both Moses and Imhotep killed a Pharaoh. Imhotep received the most terrible execution possible and became the freak attraction in second rate horror films. Moses died of old age and became a hero of three world religions. Verily, verily, I pitieth the fool whom thinketh Imhotep shalt prevail against his enemies!
How is Imhotep going to defeat the incarnation of the Wrath of God(tm) when he has proven incapable of overcoming a criminal, a desert nomad, a foppish playboy, a klutzy librarian and a pre-adolescent boy? Of course, if these heroes were something special, Imhotep might have a slight chance. But they're morons. For example, they learn that Imhotep is scared of cats. I would go out and buy cats. I would cover myself in cat hair. I would build a house of cats on a cat ranch and hire Siegfried and Roy to guard the place. So what do they do? They split up and let their only cat wander out the window!
Obviously, Imhotep is an idiot. Over and over again, he refuses to kill his only opposition. Case in point, in The Mummy Returns, outside the Scorpion King's pyramid, Imhotep encounters the three people who killed him last time plus the troublesome boy. They are exhausted and defenseless. These are the only people who could possibly stop him from conquering the world. So what does he do? Imhotep lets his girlfriend kill the librarian (she is promptly resurrected by the survivors) and then walks away! You can guess the ultimate result. In comparison, Moses also toys with Pharaoh. He constantly visits the palace to announce yet another of the ten plagues. It's almost like he's thinking, "You know, the blood and the frogs should be enough, but God wants to do boils and hail so let's give Pharaoh more opportunities to kill me." But Moses lived. There you have it: Moses divinely protected prophet, Imhotep dumber than usual movie monster.
Finally, Imhotep had a powerful cult in the ancient world. It was extinguished by Christianity. Moses is an icon of Christianity. "As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly (Proverbs 26:11)."
BRIAN: Who does your fact checking, Paul? Weekly World News? How does Bat Boy fit into this? Moses never killed a Pharaoh. He did kill an Egyptian, not a Pharaoh, and only the army was killed at the Red Sea. Ramses II lived for several decades afterwards. Yul Brynner never even got his sandals wet.
More on point, if anybody is guilty of refusing to kill his only opposition, it's Pharaoh. He could have smoten Moses time and time again, but didn't. What you try to label as "divinely protected", I call "Bond Villain stupidity". Imhotep may have had a momentary lapse of reason, but he's not Bond Villain stupid.
Keep in mind that Imhotep was only defeated before he really got rolling. This time, however, he's already gained full power AND enlisted an invincible army. Any book or trinket that might steal his powers have been "taken care of". Remember in the movies how they had to stop Imhotep before "such and such" happened or it would be too late? Well, such and such HAS happened, and it IS too late.
Plus, Imhotep has only been defeated by his own magic, which Moses can't and won't use. And unlike in Exodus, the Egyptian gods and their powers are now very real. Before, Moses had a hard time defeating mortals -- now he's up against the full power of Egypt's deities, including Ra, Ka, Ha, Ba, and even Ptah, Saa and Aah. So unless God has Super Sized Moses' powers, he's going to get eaten alive, probably by those nasty beetles.
The X-Factor here, of course, is Yahweh. If God really wanted to stop Imhotep, He could, with or without Moses. But that clearly isn't the case. Take a close look at what's happened here: an evil figure, an all powerful army, the rebuilding of the Temple... this is Armageddon, folks. Sure, God will stop Imhotep eventually, but it's gonna be several years and lots of tribulation later. An all-powerful Imhotep is clearly a part of God's plan. Moses' presence alone is not proof that he has God's backing. We know that Moses isn't averse to taking field trips to the Holy Land. He probably just snuck out the window after God fell asleep on the couch watching a "Highway to Heaven" marathon on TVLand. And for trying to mess up His Armageddon... is Moses ever going to be in big trouble when he gets home. No air hockey for at least a month.
PAUL: "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding (Proverbs 17:28)." Words to live by, eh?
True, the Pharaoh was still breathing after the Red Sea. But his army is destroyed. All the first born sons of Egypt, including his own son, are dead (a plague that Imhotep was too incompetent to perform in his first movie). Plus his palace smells like rotting frogs. This, my friends, is a fate worse than death and Ramses gets decades of it! And Moses did this to his own stepbrother! They are going to have to invent a new concentric circle of hell for what Moses has planned this time.
And please don't insult Bond Villains by putting Imhotep in the same sentence. How many nine-year-old boys have thwarted Blofeld's plans? That's what happened to Imhotep. Why would God support this moron? If He wanted an idiot as the Anti-Christ, He would have used Hitler. Or Tom Arnold. Or you for that matter.
Finally, consider the history. In Imhotep's time, Egypt was the greatest power in the world and the Jews were slaves. Since then, Egypt has been repeatedly stomped on by Assyrians, Persians, Greeks, Romans, Arabs, Turks, French(!), English and, poignantly, Israelis. If the Egyptians couldn't prevail when they had all the advantages, what chance does Imhotep have against the Jews' greatest hero now? Here's a hint: "All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again (Ecc 3:20)." For you non-Bible scholars, it's dirt nap time for Mr. Mummy.
BRIAN: Paul, I really wish you would provide your commentary in English. Fortunately, I had a spare Rosetta Stone lying around so I was able to translate your comments from their original Moronic. I mean, rotting frogs? What's that got to do with the price of temple sacrifices in Jerusalem?
Frankly, I think you said it best yourself: "In Imhotep's time, Egypt was the greatest power in the world and the Jews were slaves." Well, it's deja vu all over again. The last 3,000 years are incidental if Imhotep is once again the greatest power in the world. Plus, Imhotep's smart enough to get resurrected and take over the Middle East, and he's smart enough to defeat Moses.
Truthfully, Moses just isn't qualified for the job. For one, he's O-L-D. When Moses first tried to free the slaves, he was older than Charlton Heston is NOW. Tack on 40 years of wandering in the desert and he's bound to break a hip at any second. For two, Moses can't even control his own people. These are the same people that, after being freed from a lifetime of bondage, turned into a Limp Bizkit Mosh Pit of Licentiousness just because Moses spent too long on a mountain top, shocking him into dropping commandments 11-15. As soon as things don't go perfectly smooth, which of course they won't, they'll be yelling for the sweet comfort of slavery once again.
For three, this isn't just Moses, but Guns'N'Moses. He's a certified Gun Nut! As soon as things don't go perfectly smoothly, which of course they won't, and the people abandon him, which of course they will, he'll try pulling out some shotguns. If the Mummy movies taught us two things, which of course they haven't, it's that 1.) Guns don't work on Imhotep, and 2.) They make him mad. Holey Moses, indeed.
As a precedent, I will now read from Chapter Twelve of the Book of Grudgidicus:
Yea, the great Moses then sayeth unto Imhotep: "Why hath thou committed sins against the good people of Israel? They hath lived under the tyranny of evil men for many years, and they hath grown weary. Let my people go!"
But Imhotep, in his wicked heart, denied the man. "I will not and cannot fulfill your request, O Gray One, for my worldly conquest shall compensate for my entire acting career. While thou hast garnered a golden statue for thy work, mine own life hath consisted of Mummy films and Darkman sequels. I also hath been kicking myself for rejecting the villainous role in the new moving picture starring the man known as Double Naught and Seven. I say to you that the world must suffer for these follies."
"I find your reasons as plausible as a Marmaduke strip containing humor therein," Moses said in jest. "I also consider thy record of oh- and-two laughable. To be beaten twice by the man they call Do-Right is quite an abomination! I hereby find you guilty of causing harm to God's people directly, as well as indirectly, by offering opportunities to give movies to wrestlers whom the people hath no desire to smell what they are cooking or not cooking. I shall end thy reign myself."
"What is thy will to do so?" Imhotep had said. "For thou art but a feeble man, whilst I am omniscient."
"Then thou should be aware," Moses responded, "that nothing can stop me, for I am on a mission from God!" He then donned a pair of eyeglasses, created to protect one's eyes from the sun, as wonderful soulful music played from the heavens. "But there exists so much more to my victory. Thou also should also know of mine own record against bald guys! Now remove thy stinking paws from my person, for thou art a damned dirty ape!"
And lo, Moses took his mighty walking stick, the same by which he hath created snakes and plagues, and tore Imhotep a new one, in the name of the Lord, His Ten Commandments, and the Second Amendment.
- Charge Man
Though at first glance this match seems like one of those pointless religious squabbles over whose God is greater, a quick perusal of both the Old Testament and the Egyptian Book of the Dead reveals that, for omnipotent beings, the God(s) of ancient Egypt and Israel behaved suspiciously like humans: jealous, status-conscious, easily angered, and prone to take sides in a fight. So we'll have to disregard this testimony as unreliable projection and focus on more earthbound factors. Either Moses or Imhotep will have to pull a hitherto unsuspected trick out of his robe to win this one.
Allow me to introduce the Unknown Factor: Kelb tal-Fenek, the "Pharaoh Hound".
Pharaoh Hounds are the second-oldest breed of dog in the world. They are the pointy-eared, long-tailed canines portrayed on the walls of ancient Egyptian tombs, where Imhotep has spent more than his fair share of time. Their name comes from the fact that Pharaohs used these dogs as hunting companions. They are very friendly and affectionate towards humans, but their passion is pursuing rabbits and other small animals. They can hit a top speed of 35 mph and clear a five foot fence from a standing position. All this means that if you own Pharaoh Hounds, you must make certain that you keep them in a yard with a very high fence; otherwise, they will chase down and kill your neighbors' cats.
Cats? Did you say they kill cats?
That's right. And after all those years in tombs, shuddering with feline nightmares and surrounded by dog statues, even Imhotep can put two and two together. "Cats... hunting dogs... cats... hunting dogs... THAT'S IT!"
We fast forward to the site of the battle. Moses, wary of his God's support after being promised deliverance and then getting lost in the wilderness for forty years, has brought along a small army of feral cats. Confident of success, he releases them in the direction of Imhotep. To his horror, Imhotep steps aside, revealing a pack of two dozen Pharaoh Hounds. Within seconds, all that remains of the meowing militia are scattered piles of furry bones.
But that's not all. Grinning a terrible grin, Imhotep points at Moses and gives the command, "Friend!" The canine pack sprints forward enthusiastically, burying Moses under a pile of licking, tail-wagging hounds. A nice guy, Moses can't bear to harm anything cute and friendly. Imhotep smiles and turns back to his enslaving. As the Israelis shoulder their heavy burdens once again, their erstwhile leader's voice is heard in the distance, frantically yelling, "Down! Heel! Sit! Stay!"
Go down, Moses.
- Lee Bridges
Moses in a 7 plague/point stunner.
1) Imhotep having an invincible army? Unlikely. What was considered invincible 5000+ years ago currently will be just a lot of dogs with swords. They were held up by desert nomads with swords. The modern day israeli defence force's f-16 napalms them puppies. (Of course this brings the aspca, wspa and rspca in on Imhoteps side, but they aren't immune to high velocity fire.)
2) Pillar of fire, burning bushes. In most games fire does double damage to mummies. Now imagine a column of this going for 40 years on Imhotep's skull.
3) The tablets of Law, Heavy stone holy relics. What does Imhotep have? Some sticks? Moses turns the sticks to snakes then uses the tablets to lay down some divine justice.
4) Charlton heston is the head of the NRA. Moses will be probably packing heat in the form of the most potent undead killer possible, a (inherently blessed) double barrled shotgun. In the words of Ash: "Groovy"
5) Every islamic, judaic and christain radical fundamentalist will be decending on the region. These 3 great religions have precipitated several of the most violent conflicts in history; even today their extremists are at each other's throats. Now they have a common opponent who goes againt all they stand for. Picture a horde of islamic fundamentalists, American tele-evangelists and krusty the clown (invocation of the simpsons factor) decending upon the (soon to be) deceased heathen.
6) Imhotep was a first born son wasn't he? The final plague of the angel of death will be a bit more then even he can handle (death's been after this guy for years and will want to incur late payment penaltys). Look for a scythe making an intervention.
7) Moses is a cleric, Imhotep is an undead. In most game systems, clerics have expectional powers against the undead. (Imhotep destroyed on a natural 20)
8) Don't count on Ra, et al. They've been already taken out by McGuyver
There's an opera by Arnold Schoenberg, inventor of serial music (a fancy musical term for "ugly modern music with no tunes"), that's all about Moses and his brother Aaron. The point of it, so far as I could make out, is that Moses, with his speech impediment (they left that part out of the movie - too bad, since it would've kept Chuck Heston from talking so much), represents the tortured innovative artist, like Schoenberg, who can't communicate his brilliant ideas to the masses, while Aaron, the glib guy who caved into the people's demands to build them a Golden Calf , represents the hack who gives the masses whatever crap they want. In the last act, Moses was supposed to kill Aaron and proclaim the triumph of incomprehensible art, but Schoenberg died before he could set that part to music.
Moses has clearly come back to finish the job that Schoenberg could not, and that means killing Imhotep, who comes from a Hollywood blockbuster movie and is therefore a representative of a culture based entirely on giving the masses whatever crap they want. Moses' killjoy mentality will prevail over the forces of mindless entertainment, because Arnold Schoenberg said so, and could a man whose music is so boring possibly be lying to us? Yes, as so often, Arnold Schoenberg foresaw the result of a Grudge Match .
Rossini (composer of Barber of Seville) also wrote an opera about Moses, with a darn good tune in the third act, but I'm not sure what significance that would have to this match, unless you want to picture Moses whipping out a razor and telling Imhotep "welcome to my shop, let me cut your mop."
- Captain Corcoran -- Waiting impatiently for the big "Maria Callas vs. Charlie Callas" match
I was sitting and thinking about who I would vote, and had a hard time to decide.
Moses has a cool beard... and that's good... but Imhotep have an almost unlimited acces to zombies... and it has been proven that zombies have been able to defeat that brat Kevin McCallister... and that would give them some nice medals... but Kevin didn't hade a beard... not so much to brag about... but Imhotep could get a fake beard... and the zombies could get false beards (to match thoose medals)... and Moses would be outbearded (that was a word I never believd I would use in my whole life)... but Moses has God on his side... and God has The Beard.
I have to go with Moses and his very nice friend God.
Imhotep is in huge trouble here, and I know why. Why, because I took 7th grade Social Studies, and learned about Egypt, and mummies. While being prepares, sometimes the preparer would leave leftovers from lunch in the wrappings. While Imhotep is attempting to rule the world, birds and little squirrels will be eating at his wrappings and pecking him apart. Also, when found by Americans, they mummies were used to stoke the fires in trains. So if the birds and squirells aren't bad enough, now some crazy engineer is trying to cut his leg off so he can power his train back to wherever. Their wrappings were also used as butchers paper, so if the rest wasn't bad enough, now he's being surrounded by millions of buthers chopping of cloth bits and wrapping balogna in it. Their skin and insides were used in medicines, so there are also a bunch of sick people eating his arms and stuff, trying to get healthy. Also, his organs, which would be kept in different jars, would tossed away by tourists who woulsd want to use the jars for decoration in their bathrooms. So, while almighty Imhotep might seem invincible, all it takes is an engineer, some butchers, sick people, tourists, and a couple of squirrels before all that's left is a toe, which will be quickly scrounged up by a college kid and used for hazing a new kid. Mummy toe cocktails, mm mm...
Moses is Charlton Heston.
Charlton Heston controls the NRA.
Ergo, Charlton Heston controls an army of zombies.
Imhotep's army consists of slow moving hordes armed with their hands and feet.
Moses' army constists of trigger-happy hordes armed to the teeth with rifles, rocket launchers, Sherman tanks, submachineguns, and grenades.
Result: 65% of Isreal destroyed, Imhotep and hordes decimated. Moses' army suffers 55% friendly-fire casualty rate.
You must be joking. As far as I can tell every single Egytian God, or Mummy, or Curse, has been a non-issue for any Christian White Boy(TM). Look at the history. Abbot & Costello 1 = Mummy 0. Scooby Doo Inc. 1 = Mummy 0. And countless others. If I'm not mistaken I think even the Three Stooges wooped up on a mummy at one point. And thier Jewish. So it just goes to show that the Mummies have nothing.
Arnold Vosloo is an inherently neater name that Charlton Heston.
Moses is a good guy, Imhotep is a bad guy.
Both were played by white guys, when in fact neither historical person was WASPy at all.
Imhotep in two rounds, as he needs to get a break after getting his mummified ass kicked in two movies. I cannot in good conscience vote for a man who showed far too much of his own naked ass in Planet of the Apes.
Damned dirty apes.
It's amazing the things we take for granted.
Up until recently I never gave much thought to the story of Moses or the ten plagues he brought down upon the people of Egypt; the plagues seemed effective enough to me, in a distant sort of way. It took a book I recently read to bring it all into focus and make me realize something: For the most part, the plagues were inspired by things the Hebrews found repulsive due to the edicts of their religion.
Now, considering that Moses spent his early life living as the adopted son of a Pharaoh you'd think he'd have little trouble tailoring plagues to the purpose of frightening members of the Egyptian aristocracy. You know, like the Plague of Nubile Concubines Suddenly Discovering the Joys of Celibacy, or the Plague of Running Out of Wine Just as the Party Was Getting Good. But then, maybe I'm missing the point.
Considering everything God put the Hebrews through once they were out of Egypt, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that the plagues weren't so much meant to intimidate the Pharaoh (It's not like they worked anyway, I mean God hardening Pharaoh's heart sounds like a good excuse, but really, what's the point of the plagues to begin with if the guy they're meant to scare has no choice but to ignore them?) as to let the Hebrew's know that God was back and He didn't care how righteous they'd been, He was pissed because that's His job and they'd damned well better not forget it, buster!
Basically, Moses was punishing his own people; apparently as a show to the Pharaoh that nothing he could ever do to them could be worse than what their God had in store. Therefore, it seems reasonable to assume that Pharaoh finally let the Hebrews go mainly because it amused him to do so, and also because if their God insisted on dumping all this shit on their heads, let Him do it in someone else's backyard. You can only eat so many frog legs.
And hey, while I'm on the subject of Moses, what was up with the Burning Bush? You have to admit, it's fairly minimalist as religious imagery goes. If Oral Roberts gets a 900 ft. Jesus, you'd think the Big G could manage a little better that flicking his Bic on some brush for the savior of His chosen people. But I digress . . .
Now then, Imhotep may be able to pull off some fancy tricks, like that turning into sand thing and those flesh-eating dung beetles that follow him around, but there is no one, and I mean no one who can do anything to a Jew that God hasn't already done, done twice, done worse, and done on a Monday to boot! Moses would laugh in that bald creep's face, then go back to living in a tree, eating rocks and flinging his own feces at passersby like all good prophets who are past there prime.
Besides, Imhotep's scared of cats. I mean really! Maybe Moses should have considered a Plague of Cats. If Mr. Mummy's anything to go by, it would have been more effective than a Plague of Darkness, I'm sure. But then, once again, I'm probably missing the point . . .
- Don "King" Milliken
Er, exactly how are Moses' old tricks going to help here? If I remember correctly, that bad guys had the plagues on THEIR side in the first movie! Moses could prob'ly make up some new anti-mummy plagues (fire from the sky, scarabs by the bucketful, etc) but in the end he will have to leave with his people. Unfortunately, I don't see why mummies would let them leave, why the tireless undead couldn't catch up to the puny humans immediately, and I especially don't see why they would be stopped by a simple sea.
Not to mention the way that sores apparently turn people into zombies, like in the first movie...and the dark king apparently has the plagues for himself...
Moses: Come, my people, escape this tyranny and be welcomed into the family of the Lord!
Sore-y People: Uuuuuugh.......
Moses: Damnation in hell...
Are you kidding? The match, (dialogue translated from its original Hebrew):
The Almighty looks from the throne to earth. 'Ihmotep again, huh?'
As Gabriel begins to raise the trumpet signifying Armageddon, he pauses and GOD shakes his head (inadvertantly throwing several planets out of allignment)
Because you see old cazy priest man CANNOT be the antichrist because when he was killed, all three times, it was never do to a head wound. The Bible is very clear on this point. Now, do you think that GOD, the Almighty, Yahweh, Alpha & Omega, I Am, will let some puck a$$ like baldy destroy the devine plan. Stand aside.
The Big Guy leans over in his golden chair and, in the epitome of Mentos(tm), says, " Yo Moses, handle my light work "
Moses looks down and says..."Aight"
The rest, as they say, is prophecy.
- Holy Roler
Looks like the match will definitely go to Moses. Here is why.
First of all, Imhotep will be distracted somewhat. While he has enslaved the Israelis in this scenario (how he could have done that given the fact that the Israelis have one of the most powerful militaries on the planet), no mention is made of the Palestinians. The Palestinians would also hate Imhotep for his project on Temple Mount. So, they would launch hordes of suicide bombers. Imhotep would then have to devote some of his efforts to keeping the Palestinians in check.
Then, there is the matter of allies. Moses has the best of all allies, none other than the Almighty (aka the Supreme Being, Creator of the Universe, Maker of Heaven and Earth, etc.) himself. There is no way Imhotep can defeat a truly omnipotent Being.
The only allies Imhotep can muster are the Egyptian gods and goddesses. Guess what? They are less powerful than they claim to be. As anyone who has seen "Stargate SG-1" knows that the Egyptian gods and goddesses were nothing more the Goa'uld System Lords, folks the humans of SG-1 are able to defeat and kill (with some difficulty). If these are the best allies Imhotep can get, he is doomed.
So, Moses, armed with Divine help, will utterly defeat Imhotep (who literally doesn't have a prayer).
- The Demented Astronomer
Imhotep would have a chance if he had both CG effects AND Boris Karloff, but he's up against Chuck Heston, Dreamworks, and Cecil B. DeMille, who killed as many men as the Waco Kid. Heston alone has survived and/or defeated apes that evolve from men, soylent green (made out of people, by the way), the pope, the entire Roman empire, Orson Welles, an earthquake, a wave of killer ants, the British army, Airport 75, even Barbra Streisand!
Hell, in the first Moses/Pharoah alone he defeated Vincent Price, Yul Brynner, Edward G. Robinson and Anne Baxter, a quadumverate of Mentos-level coolness if ever there was one.
And if this one goes into Armageddon Overtime (tm), he's fully prepped for a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of killer zombies. In fact, last time he went up against killer zombies it was in LA, easily 50 times as horrible as any intifada-plagued bit of holy desert.
Moses wraps this one up by plague 6. If the IDF doesn't take out Imhotep in a "targetted nuking" first.
- Quiche Maraine
As Paul noted, Moses is into Taunting His Enemy (TM) - it served him well against Pharoah and is a successful technique employed most often today by boxers, wrestlers and soccer hooligans. Invariably bad jokes about being a "mummy's boy" and "running home to mummy" will be uttered. The resulting collective groan from Imhotep's army and attendants massed before him in homage will deafen the mummy and the gust from the mass exhalation will knock him off his feet. Meanwhile Moses, who had planned this all along, has braced himself against his staff and had plugged his ears with manna and now delivers the blow against defenceless Imhotep that would send the vile creature to the darkest pit from whence he came.
- Cup Bearer to the Gods
Relax, Israelites. Moses has this one in the bag. The New Testament (yeah, that book you don't believe in) proves it.
First off, let's check and see when Moses dies.
"And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth... And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them." Revelations 11: 3, 7.
Moses is one of these two, and he'll be killed by a beast from a bottomless pit. Who is this beast?
"And I saw, and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer." Revelations 6: 2.
So the killer of Moses, the Antichrist, has a bow. Imhotep clearly has a staff, not a bow. So he can't kill Moses. Clearly, Imhotep can't be anything more than a flunky of the real Antichrist, and what do you suppose happens to people who aren't the Antichrist who mess with one of Yahweh's chosen?
"And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed." Revelations 11: 5.
So Imhotep is clearly going up in smoke, very soon now. Imhotep's provocation will be all that's needed to allow the Israelies to seize the Temple Mount and rebuild the Temple, thus completing the last prophecy of the the end times and allowing the world to end when the seven years of Tribulation expire.
And not a moment too soon, I dare say. Final exams start in just a couple weeks.
- The Kobold Overlord
What is Moses' motivation? He is the servant of the ALMIGHTY. If he does his job right, he gets ETERNAL SALVATION. What is Imhotep's motivation? Anck Su Namun? She's just playing him. If he doesn't have her he just gives up. Moses asks the LORD to open her eyes and she sees the countless armies of angels waiting for the order to SMITE! (2kgs6:15-17) Being basically self serving she hightails it out of there. Imhotep starts crying and throws himself into a convenient pit of hellfire.
Meanwhile Moses calls on the name of the LORD, who sends down holy fire to burn up the legions of the dead. (1kgs18:21-40)
- Grand Master Bugaw
I don't need a crystal ball to know that Moses is going to win by sheer numbers. The vast majority of the WWWF's fans are either Jewish or Christian and people always prefer a hometown hero to a foreign ringer. But if we could set aside the mob mentality and think outside the box we can see that the Mummy would grind Moses into the fucking dirt with the backing of these two simple facts:
A. First, The Mummy has been locked in a box for several thousand years thinking about nothing but women! The Egyptians were a pretty horny lot begin with (they even have a Creation Myth about some of thier dieties being born by Ra jacking off onto the ground) and the Mummy never did get to nail the Queen like he wanted. That sex mad bastard is going to be filled with RAGE the likes of which ye have never seen!
B. Second, Times have changed while the Mummy has not! He hails from the badass Egypt of old where sex and violence was the order of bussiness (kinda of like Jerry Springer). Moses on the other hand doesn't have the backing of the fire and flood wielding Old Testament God (Mentos Cool) but the leaflet and potluck dispensing New Age God (Un-Mentos Cool).
Events will be pretty linear: Moses, backed by the New Age God, walks up to the Mummy and hands him a flyer asking if he'd would like to come to Saturday Bingo (Oh, and could you let my people go if it's not to much trouble?). The Mummy promptly bitch slaps him to the ground for littering and then sics The Rock on him for daring to utter the word Bingo! Moses will sit there and scream "Let ME Go!" while The Rock uses a leather whip on his ass to the tune of "The Flogging Song" (a Simpsons classic). Game, Set, and Match to the tag team of The Mummy and The Rock who will then go on to challenge Hercules and Xena for the titles at Wrestlemania!
- Anonymous (What? You want me to tell the Inquisition who I am?)
Of course Imhotep is going to win. We're talking about the most ineffectual man in the whole Torah. Since the American people are so hooked on Heston's portrayal of Moses, how about I give you a look at the REAL Moses:
The real Moses stuttered and was never a public speaker. Did Moses ever tell Pharoah about the plagues? NO! His brother Aaron threatened Ramesses while Moses did the voodoo in the back room. I don't see Aaron around so it looks like Imhotep is only going to get a "L-l-l-l-let m-m-m-my pe-pe-pe-pe-pe-uhhh-guys go." And what do people do to stutters? They laugh. They laugh a lot.
- Someone who actually reads that book of mythology called the Bible
There's only one thing Muslims hate more than Israel, and that's GRAVEN IMAGES (tm). By trying to build monuments to gods other than the One True, he will bring not one but two bad-ass prophets out of retirement. The combined might of Moses and Mohammed, and their peoples unified in common cause for the first time since the days of Abraham, will smite Imhotep such a smiting as none have ever been smitten before. Oh, and as if THAT weren't enough, remember what mosque is built on the Temple Mount? The Dome- of THE ROCK! That's right, the Scorpion King himself will have no choice but to layeth the smacketh down on Imhotep. I figure a combined Israeli- Palestinian army led by the Rock can handle any mortal minions defending the Mount, while the God of Moses and Mohammed easily trashes whoever shows up from the second-rate Egyptian pantheon. And afterwards, peace.
Lost once to Brendan Frasier and once to Brendan Frasier's son.
Now, let's look at some similar experiences:
Imhotep: Lost to The Rock.
Imhotep: designed pyramids in reality.
Imhotep: When last seen, his powers were removed and he was a mortal.
Imhotep: Borrowed plague's originally planned from God.
Imhotep: Destroyed by ancient books.
It's clear that Imhotep goes down by the third plague at this rate.
Imhotep doesn't stand a chance against Moses. When he's not busy losing his repeated bids for world domination to a band of morons led by a man who convincingly portrayed Dudley Dooright, George of the Jungle AND Encino Man, Imhotep is busy starring in Darkman sequels. Anyone fool enough to accept the leading role in Darkman II: The Return of Durant And Darkman III: The, Darkman, The, cannot possibly pose a threat to Moses.
Who is this Moses fellow? He's an adopted member of the Egyptian royal family who not only has a direct line to God, he wields the very powers of an omnipotent and angry supreme being. Yahweh has The Rage (tm). Yahweh invented The Rage (tm). And Moses has The Rage (tm) on permanent loan from the Lord. After freeing His people, Moses went on to become the head of an organization of well-armed angry Americans. Last time Moses faced Pharoah, he did so alone. This time he marches at the head of the National Rifle Association's crack corps of Angry White Men and their weaponized hatred of Imhotep-style big government.
Moses' last voctory over Pharoah was a road game. This time Moses is on his home turf in the Promised Land. Imhotep clearly hasn't learned from recent history: Jews always defeat Arabs. Sure, Imhotep has managed already to conquer and enslave Israel, but that's better thought of as a tactical retreat. Now that Moses has arrived, he brings not only the NRA but the remains of the Israeli army, air force and Mossad, man-for-man the most lethal and fearsome fighting force in world history.
This time, thanks to the Israeli defense forces, Moses' arsenal includes nuclear warheads in addition to the Wrath of God (tm).
It was nice while it lasted, but Imhotep's new world order just doesn't stand a chance once Moses arrives on the scene. Yahweh's right-hand man will have the last laugh when a beaten Imhotep meekly quotes Job 3:16: "Put away like an aborted child, I should not have existed." (NJV)
- Darth Dustry
Look at it this way. All moses needs to be all-powerful is for the Jew Scouts to make him Macaroni art.
- Keeper of the Light
Now this is an odd match. Both contestents are strictly speaking "undead" Both have zany powers. (They both can utilize plagues) But it all comes down to the frogs.
As we all know from the movies, Imotep uses scareb beetles. Moses uses frogs. Frogs eat bugs. Thefore, the frogs wil eat all of the scarab beetles. Unfortanatly, the frogs are still hungry, and sadly for Imotep, as we also saw in the movie, has scarab beetles crawling around inside of him. The frogs, by now starving, will mercilessly attack Imotep like a Doberman's weight in chihuahuas (TM) A few seconds after the attack, the reckless anphibians will have skeletonized the hapless egyptian.
Moses will unravel that mummie's wrappings in a landslide of frogs, so he gets my vote.
- The Zombie Master
This argument is pointless, because there is no God! Therefore, Moses has no real power, and thus, Imhotep will open a Can Of Whoop-Ass(TM) on Moses, who in fact was just some crazy guy wandering around in the hills. There, I said it! God doesn't exist, Moses has no power, religion is moot! Ahahahahahahaha...wait, w-where'd this lightning bolt come from...AGHHHHHH!!!
- Satan's new little "Friend"
I don't know much about biblical junk, but I do know this: Moses was supposedly some sort of errand-boy for God. As such, there has to be deus-ex-machina in the form of some unheard-of magical artifact which Moses won't find out is part of his walking stick until Ihmotep has reduced all of the Middle East, minus Israel and Egypt, to cinders, in the tradition the two movies in question. Therefore, everybody wins, because Ihmotep doesn't rule the world, there's clear proof that the Judeo-Xtian complex is right, allowing even non-religious cynics like myself to answer all those questions that keep us up at night, and there's a new power in the Middle East that's guaranteed to give whatever remaining Arab terrorists there are exactly what they deserve. Moses in 40 days and 40 nights. So what if I'm mixing stories? Shut up.
This really boils down to two things -- the coolness factor(TM) and the God factor(TM pending).
Let's examine the coolness factor first. Imhotep has zombies, cool special effects, beetles, and rotting flesh. Moses has 50's special effects and rifles. The people of the world will rise up and support Imhotep just to avoid having to be grateful to Moses aka Charlton Heston.
Second, the god factor (lightning bolt). This is taking place in 2002 A.D. and Charlton Heston is Christian, so that means that we are dealing with the New Testament God here. Yup, that's the love-thy- neighbor-turn-the-other-cheek God. This is great for getting into Heaven, but not so good for whupping ancient-god ass. Also, the current God is erratic at best in answering prayers. Chances are, Moses will call upon him, and he won't be there.
On the other hand, the Egyptian gods are vengeful, spiteful gods who like to smite things until they are good and smoten. Also, they have strength in numbers. They way outnumber Moses's monotheistic God. Lastly, they have a specific way to be called upon. You open the book, go to the spell, sacrifice a couple of virgins, and you get support -- guaranteed. Imhotep doesn't even need to leave his castle, what with the gods and the rest of the world on his side.
- the brain
I had considered asking whether or not there was a rule against using religion as the focus of a match, and then I realized that there obviously isn't, as there are so many Star Wars matches. My bad.
Seriously, is this even a fight? Imhotep is a wannabee Evil Overlord (TM) and you know what a reliable track record guys like THAT have. But Moses is the Real Deal(TM), baby.
Firstly, remember that it was Moses and HIS god that did the original Ten Plagues of Egypt. And as I always say, The Original Is Always Best(TM).
Also, have you read Exodus 32 recently? When he and the Lord Almighty found out what those ingrateful Israelis were up to while they were chatting up on Mount Sinai, ol' Jehovah was all up for doing some serious smiting. But Moses told him "Cool your jets, boss, I'll talk to 'em." Then he went down and gave 'em what-for. Clearly, Moses is a Bad-Ass With a Heart of Gold(TM), in the grand tradition of Grudge Match's patron saint, Mr. T!. He'd have to be to successfully plead leniency with a god.
I pity da foo' what mess with Moses!
- Andy the Anarchist
Brian, Brian, Brian. I shook my head when I heard you arguing that Mr. Clean could defeat our beloved mascot. But this is bloody ridiculous. I mean, look who the Mummy is up against:
Moses was rescued from nationwide infanticide and ended up raised in the palace, where they didn't even know that his own mother was the woman who they found to take care of him! Even though he was raised as royalty, he killed an Egyptian who was mistreating a slave, and then escaped execution. He then wandered the desert until he found the Midianites, who took him in as one of their own.
He then heard God speak from a burning bush, and followed his instructions to go back to Egypt, where he was pardoned for the murder, and THEN he commanded Ramses to release his people, and wasn't executed then, either. Then God brought the plagues, each of which shot down one of the Egyptians' gods. (For example, the plague of darkness proved that Ra had no power.) Pharoah's hokey court magicians couldn't fight this!
Even after the Exodus and the destruction of the Egyptian army, Moses just kept having amazing experiences. He saw God. I mean, up close. It made his face glow. He went up Mt. Sinai TWICE, and watched as God wrote the Commandments. He busted up the golden calf and made the idolators eat it. He then put up with their grumbling for years.
When a bunch of rebels tried to overthrow him, God made the earth swallow them up. Had Moses not lost his temper (and who wouldn't) at the grumblers and struck God's rock, he would have been able to see the Promised Land. Instead, he went up to a mountain and talked to God until he died, and then God personally buried him.
You're pitting this incredible man with the Glory of the Almighty on his side against some undead freak whose name rhymes with "Impotent"? Don't mess with God.
- Oxymoron ("If you can't defeat Brendan Fraser, you don't stand a chance against God")
Brian, I don't see the logic in putting any stock in Anubis' "invincible" army. You seem to have forgotten Moses' chief attribute, his main weapon, and his easy victory in this match.
Having seen The Mummy Returns, I noticed one fact about Anubis' army that gives Moses and his staff a slight advantage: they're all dogs. And, as many a dogowner like myself has often discovered, dogs love to chase sticks.
Now, being as Moses' stick is massively powerful, he will use it, as he has done before, to part the mighty Red Sea, which he can only do if he is being chased by a mighty army. Enter Anubis' hounds. The Red Sea opens. Moses throws his staff into the dried up section of the sea, sending the dog-soldiers into a panic, as they run out to retrieve the stick. However, before the poor mutts are able to fetch, Moses raises his hands again, drowning the Anubian army. (Let's face it... the water's too deep to doggy paddle in.)
From there, Moses inflicts, one at a time, a series of plagues on Imhotep's body until the Mummy collapses in a heap of death, boils, leprousy, and various other Old Testament diseases. From there, Moses relocates the Israelites to the truly Promised Land... Cancun!
- Mr. Potato Head
Through the marvels of modern technology, I see Moses once a year, at around Passover and Easter. And that's enough, thanks. I'm down with Judeo-Christian religion and all of that, but 6 hours of Charlton Heston drawling incoherently is enough for one year.
On the other end of the spectrum, thanks to the sheer boneheaded idiocy of programmers at Turner Network Television, I can see The Mummy every ten FREAKIN' minutes!
My vote goes to Moses, who has managed to not make me sick of him over viewing after viewing after viewing.
Oh, yeah, and that whole Power of God thing. This was the guy who had the Ark of the Covenent made. As I always say, if it kills Nazis, it's all right by me! *thumbs up*
Just what I was in the mood for - a full-blown, ultraviolent Grudge Match. Thus, it is with some sadness that I note that this match could only be more lopsided if it was MacGuyver vs. Star Trek red shirts.
Simply put, by breaking it down through respected Grudge (tm) truths, the victor is clear. Moses in a cakewalk. Let's go to the breakdown:
Previous Grude Match (tm) history - The two have each had encounters with other GM (tm) competitors...
The Egyptians (Imhotep) : beaten by the French. That's just pitiful. The Israelis (Moses) : two biggest allies are the U.S. and Britain, two GM (tm) victors. Calling on two proven champs is always a bonus.
Babe (tm) factor - Moses is the clear winner here. He was just tripping over the women in the Old Testament, even turning down the Egyptian Princess because he could do better. He's got studliness to spare. Beyond a few necrophiliacs, who wants to date a mummy?
Physical strength - Imhotep does hold up pretty well for being dessicated. But Moses climbed up a mountain, brought down a pair of heavy stone tablets, threw them hard enough to destroy a giant gold statue, climbed back up the mountain, carved a set of replacement tablets, and brought them back down. And he did that over several days, without food. Moses, quite simply, is freaking ripped. He probably trades workout hints with Sampson. And you know, all that wandering does build up endurance.
Magical powers - It looks like Imhotep would win here. I mean, the guy just won't stay dead. But Yahweh gave Moses the power to outdo any Egyptian sorceror - he even makes a point of it in the bible. And the Diety certainly is on Moses' side - Moses is back to free the holy Land from Egyptian slavery... just what the Big Guy would want.
The Simpsons Must Win (tm) rule - Imhotep might be praying that, one day, the Simpsons will mention him in a throwaway gag. But Moses was on the Simpsons, played by Milhouse. Thus, Moses is a Simpsons character, and therefore must win.
The Star Trek Must Lose (tm) rule - the only split decision, since nobody involved ever touched Trek.
Mentos Coolness Factor (tm) - Imhotep has what, "Walk Like an Egyptian" to represent him in American pop culture? Absolutely weak. Meanwhile, Moses is biblical, which has two connotations. One is violence (I'm going to get biblical on you!) and the other is sex (Knowing someone in the biblical sense). Gee, lame 80's pop song or sex and violence? Moses clearly wins again here.
And any one of these alone could swing it to Moses. But here is the real kicker:
The RAGE (tm) - Imhotep is obviously amused. He has everything, and he thinks this silly Jewish guy is a joke. He is miles away from indegestion, let alone anger. Moses, meanwhile, is trying to free his people. Again. Oh, that makes him very upset. First born sons slayed? Well, obviously, that wasn't enough, so Moses will go further this time.
But even more significant is that the Creator will also be upset. Not only is a heathen desecrating the Temple Mount, but it is an undead heathen. Boys and girls, this is a case in which mankind will truly witness the most awesome (literally) force known: the Wrath of God. Well, that is its old name. I prefer to think of it as Divine RAGE(tm). And Imhotep is the main target.
So basically, you've got one undead sorceror versus a man who outclasses him in every way, and who by the way has the most potent form of RAGE (tm) on his side. Now, who voted for the dust pile that is Imhotep again?
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
(Come on, even one character who was on Moses' side was Peter. What does Peter literally mean? The Rock!)
- Mr. Floppy
Heathens! Heretics damned to hell! Comparing Holy Ones with the false gods of undead Egyptian pig-dogs! Do not question the power of the great "I AM." Were this the true Armageddon, my God shalt not failme. Moses and the good people get a quick ticket to heaven, while Imhotep and his goones are sent to the fiery pits of Hell.
In the off chance that God does not support Moses in this particular battle, the Campus Crusaders sure will. Crusader #1 in interview before the battle "I used to be a sadistic, man-eating pedafile, but then I was 'saved' I saw the light and nothing will stop me from converting every atheist bastard I see!" Crusader #2, bible in hand, "I WILL save Imhotep! He can be saved if only he will accept God into his life! I KNOW that after I have a chat with him he will be a new man!"
After the first sweep of well-meaning morons Imhotep will be a little shaky. Next come the bible thumpers flailing him with more biblical quotes than you can shake a martyr at. Just from the OLD testament(as I'm sure you have been and will continue to be assaulted with) If those American Christians can't stop him, (and if you've ever talked to those people you know they will) the Jews and Muslims fighting world-wide will pull together for the mother of all suicide-bombs. God given power or not, the religious extremists of the world truly WILL stop any 'false god' moving in on their turf.
If all else fails, Yahweh's alter ego, mild mannered Jesus will put an end to all this absurdity. Imhotep and his short-lived religion don't stand a chance.
"God wins!" (The Bible: every verse you can name)
Yeeeeesssss! You did my suggestion! My life is now complete!
Oh, and I realised this fight was so close I couldn't call it, so I voted for Imoteph since he had the least votes.
Moses was already on Celebrity Deathmatch (not worthy of ) against the Pharaoh of Egypt, whom the Lord strucketh and split in half, so that the two pieces could supposedly smother Moses to death with a box.
OK, let's consider this for a minute, logically.
-Celebrity Deathmatch is the most pathetic and wimpy wannabe of the almighty and ORIGINAL WWWF Grudge-Match.
-Anyone who was defeated by someone they already killed on a cheap wannabe of a superior creation would be pretty pissed off.
-When Moses got pissed off, he took down Egypt, which was at the time the World Empire. He killed thousands of trained soldiers and took down pyramids by raising his staff. Without killing any Jewish people.
-As stated, WWWF Grudge-Match is the ORIGINAL, and the original always wins (ie Latka vs Balki, Dilbert vs Drew Carey, almost any match involving the Simpsons, etc).
-The Jewish always win (ie Latka vs Balki, Kramer vs Iggy, almost any match involving the Simpsons, etc)
-Logically, the rip-off always loses. "The Mummy" was a WEAK remake of, well, countless Hammer classics. Moses has had countless knock- offs (ie Joseph: King of Dreams), all inferior which grossed less.
-Mummies have been defeated by the likes of Scooby Doo and Archie Andrews. I'd like to see either of these annoying child detectives try to approach the Ark of the Covenant. Oh, and the fact that he lost to Brendan Fraser doesn't help much. Moses defeated countless huger armies, sometimes by merely raising his arms.
-Moses got the girl (the spunky daughter of a dessert priest who, according to The Prince of Egypt, was offered to him as a love slave, whom he helped release and eventually fell for in real life), and actually raised a family, without having to be entombed alive.
-Once Grudge-Match: Da TV Show gets off the ground, and Moses is shown as victorious over an Egyptian, and everyone realises what a piece of shit Celebrity Deathmatch is, and that their matchs are completely innacurate because Moses was shown the victor over an Egyptian ruler contrary to the show, and CD whithers away and dies- well, personally, I think that's motivation enough.
Moses wins and gains respect and superiority over the clay-animated morons on MTV.
After writing his scintillating and pun-laden argument, Brian sits back with a Sigh of Completion. Suddenly, he is gripped with a qualm. Bringing his hand to his face, Brian feels his normally Euclidean facade to be pockmarked with acne. "Hmm, must have been eating too much chocolate," he thinks.
Brian goes to get a drink of water, but all that spews forth is a sream of crimson blood. "That's odd, though I haven't been paying my water bills lately," he says. Looking outside, Brian sees storm clouds a-brewin'. With them come a horde of locusts, which burst through the window and bite Brian mercilessly.
Finally succumbing to the strangeness of the incidents, Brian cries out, "What is going on?" All of a sudden, a sharp pang of severe pain hits Brian in the crotch. "Oh no, my first-born child!!"
- Grudge-Pops: Now using only Grade-C meat.
Let's see what we have here:
The United Frickin States itself (blessed by God himself).
Bush, after realizing that his traditional ally (Israel, as he so claims) will have each and every single nuke aimed and ready to fire at the little throne that Imhotep is resting his lazy butt over.
Moses does one better, he has his almighty God transport the live nukes directly to Imhotep himself (God can do anything, right?)
Now we have to see if Immortality can survive a trillion megatons of pure nuclear blast.
- Tahna Los (hey, that also kills the head of the NRA!!! Sweeet!!!)
For some more funny responses, head over to Page 2 of the Imhotep v. Moses response file.
Is it just me, or in The Mummy, when all the things are marching through the city like zombies, doesn't it sound like they're all chanting "IM-PO-TENT"?
Next Match: Booger!
Next Match: Booger!
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC