It's midnight at the Wacky Warehouse. Cans of silly string sit among row upon row of fluorescent t-shirt boxes in the dark. But the figure who has invaded the warehouse on this night is not interested in such frivolities. He is here to track down something much more serious.
In the back, he finds it. The industrial spy views the plans for the Kraft-Pirelli Cheese and Macaroni All-Weather Tire. If this design were ever to make it to the marketplace, he and all who work with him would be forced out of business. He smiles to himself. It's not going to happen on my watch, he thinks.
Suddenly, the ground rumbles. Bib the Michelin Man covers his eyes as the opposite wall shatters and a giant figure bursts into the room. As the smoke clears and the debris settles, the intruder makes eye contact with his adversary for the first time. The new arrival grins at the Michelin Man and says the words which come so naturally to his lips:
The Michelin Man stands up, looking at the Kool-Aid Man. His fists curl into tight balls as he advances towards the giant ambulatory pitcher. "You're not going to ruin everything I've worked for, you candy-ass.", says Bib tightly in anger as his pace turns to a run.
The Kool-Aid Man smiles and starts advancing himself. "Time to burn some rubber" he says as the two converge.
So, Joe, which massive mascot ministers the most majestic mauling?
JOE: The Kool-Aid man is the sure-fire victor here. The Michelin Man is basically a flabby girly-man who was created by stapling together leftover pieces of the GhostBusted Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man. The Kool-Aid Man, on the other hand, is like Arnold Schwartzenegger in his pre-"Kindergarten Cop" days. The Kool-Aid Man's starts off his typical entrance by busting through a brick wall. That takes some serious muscle.
Every schoolchild knows what Kool-Aid does to a person. It slowly eats them away from the inside - first by rotting the teeth and then dissolving their stomachs away so they are required to have major surgery by the time they are forty. The stuff is basically flavored hydrochloric acid! I figure ol' Kool-Aid man is gonna go Kiwi-Strawberry on little Michelin-Boy's Ass and dissolve him like a high school science project.
Bib couldn't defend himself, either. He might try to swing those flabby arms around but anything he could possibly dish out will bounce right off the glass pitcher that is the Kool-Aid Man. Koolie will push him over, sit down on Michelin's flabby gut and proceed to beat the living crap out of him. And then, just for effect, he'll open up a can of Spock and nerve pinch 'im. Then Bib'll be Vulcanized Rubber! Ha..haa!! Get it?!? Vulcanzied Rubber? Hah, I'm so funny!
JOHN: Well, Joe, I always knew you liked fighters with glass jaws, but this is ridiculous. Kool-io has a glass head. Imagine what a hard shot to the nose, or for that matter, a drop to the pavement will do to the guy. Kool-Aid's dreams of victory aren't the only thing that'll be shattered this night. Additionally, the Kool-Aid Man is top-heavy. All Bib has to do is follow the time-tested strategy of taking the legs out that works so well against other top-heavy opponents from cattle to Andre the Giant. After being knocked down, Kool-Aid Man lacks the co-ordination, strength or appropriate curviture of the spine to get back on his feet to fight back. Easy pickings for the Michelin Man.
Also, take a close look at Kool-Aid's head. It's a pitcher, containing his life-juices swirling within. What happens when you knock pitchers on their sides? Everything spills out. All of Kool-Aid's "blood" will empty onto the concrete, and the Michelin Man gets the easy victory by way of exsanguination. For those doubters amongst you, I have prepared a graphic representation of this in Figure 1.
As for the Michelin Man, he's not only entirely composed of steel-reinforced rubber (halfway towards availing himself of the vaunted "I am rubber, you are glue" defence) which in itself has considerable offensive merit; in a dire situation, he can light himself on fire. As any hooligan-in-training knows, tire fires almost never burn out (thus posing no immediate mortal danger to the Michelin Man) and emit highly toxic fumes in the direct vicinity. Kool-Aid's last thoughts before collapsing are of all the dentists who will have to find another means of drumming up business now...
JOE: Not so fast, all ye satanic dentists of little faith! John's arguments will be shot down like eighty thousand terrorists in the next Die Hard sequel. First of all, his head is not just normal glass, it's bulletproof glass. It's gonna take a lot more than some half-witted marshmellow to punch through that thing. Second, Kool-io may be a little top heavy but the chances of that tub of lard The Michelin Man could even get low enough to knock him over is small. I mean, look at him, he's not exactly an Olympic Gymnast.
Finally, all that stuff in Kool-Aid Man's pitcher isn't his blood, its his weapon. Kool-Aid Man doesn't need Kool-Aid to survive. That stuff is just there so he can dish it out to little children and eventually eat them away from the inside. Kool-Aid Man is a sadistic murderer, using over-sweetened fruit juices to destroy American youths (and Canadian kids, don't think you are safe hiding up there behind your snow-cones, he's coming for you). The Kool-Aid Man is up (down?) there with Jeffrey Dahmer and Charles Manson.
Have you ever looked at the Kool-Aid packages in the store, John? They all show Mr. Aid in a heroic pose, doing everything from weightlifting to surfing to drinking Mai-Tais on Mexican Beaches. The guy is a studmuffin! The Michelin Man isn't made of Steel-Reinforced Rubber, he is an overglorified glow-in-the-dark condom and let's just say Kool-Aid Man is gonna have his way with ol' Bib.
JOHN: Tune in next week, boys and girls, for more exciting adventures from Joe Weber: Man in Denial!
Bulletproof glass? Studmuffin? You must think our audience terribly naive, Joe. What next? Kool-Aid Man was born under a red sun? He can shoot antimatter out of his fists? He was Energy Secretary under Carter?
Needless to say, I don't find this frail argumentation surprising coming from someone who thinks that Kool-Aid Man is "buff" and/or "the stuff" relative to the Michelin Man. Kool-Aid Man is fat, rounded and red-faced. Not exactly adjectives you ordinarly use to paint a picture of health, Joe. You will note that Michelin products are used in all kinds of manly activities, from auto racing, to construction work, to cruisin' for chicks. Kool-Aid is used primarily in the act of drinking Kool-Aid. (BTW, why is Kool hanging around those kids all the time? He's got that freakish Michael Jackson vibe going on.)
The way I see it, the anthropomorphic tire lays a steel belting on the Kool-Aid Man, turning him into so much fucshia roadkill. The only skid marks found at the site are in Kool-Aid's drawers.
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Surely I wouldn't have been the first to remind you of what a few pitchers of Kool-Aid did a few decades back in a sleepy hamlet called Jonestown.... while the Michelin Man's only known "kills" are entirely thanks to liederhosen-wearing Oktoberfesters drunkenly cruising at 135MPH on the Autobahn because they were so sloshed that they thought all that ground-level fog was their eyeballs.... in other words, unrelated traffic accidents for which any self-respecting product mascot would decline credit....
I could have pointed out that the Kool-Aid Man's main hobby is smashing through things, while the Michelin Man has no known activities of any sort....
....I could have remarked that while you often see rubber tires being rolled down steep hills, hanging forlornly from tree branches, or abandoned in muddy vacant lots, you never see anyone dare to abuse giant glass pitchers in public....
I might've examined our two fighters' natural TV commercial allies who might stand alongside them in battle.... at which time I would have argued that those who attack while screaming "OH YEAH!" would most likely be affiliated with Slim Jim spokesmaniac and fellow "OH YEAH!" shouter Randy "Macho Man" Savage.... while those who promote automobile tires would have their backs watched by those 8-month-old babies who sit inside hydroplaning whitewalls....
I could have reminded you that while Kool-Aid Man leaves swaths of rubble in his wake, the Michelin Man's 2-count-em-2 battle poses are A) standing with arms folded, and B) standing while waving happily.... neither of which has yet proven to be an effective carnage tactic....
Perhaps I could have noted that the bulk of Kool-Aid advertising appeals to an army of rage-repressed kids watching Saturday morning cartoons on a five-hour sugar high, while the bulk of the Michelin ad budget goes towards weekend viewers of the PGA who aren't even athletic enough to waddle to a course and attempt the supreme physical challenge of golf....
I could establish that the allegedly "fragile" Kool-Aid Man has been bum-rushing supermarkets, beach cabanas, treehouses and skateboarding ramps for decades without suffering so much as a splinter or a chip.... and that with proper lighting, Kooly's all-glass body might actually imbue him with the power of invisibility....
I might have pointed out that the Kool-Aid Man boasts a dizzying array of camouflage colorings to choose from, while the Michelin Man's pasty-white veneer is reminiscent only of punching bags such as Gerry Cooney or Chuck Wepner....
....Yes, I MIGHT have argued any or all of these things. But why bother? I can demolish John's rubbercentric screed with a mere FIVE words....
....THE MICHELIN MAN IS FRENCH.
Debate over. Way to pick 'em, Grudge Staff. Another Gallic warrior to march up the Chumps-Elysee, through the Arc de Failure. Gee, who's next? France's Rodin vs. Japan's Rodin? The EuroDisney Hall of Presidents vs. the Disneyworld Hall of Presidents? Quasimodo vs. Ozzy Osbourne? Jean-Luc Picard vs. Jean-Luc Godard? Wolverine vs. Tintin?
Can't we ALL just agree that the French are snivelling trufflesniffers whose instant reaction to aggression is to drape a napkin over one arm and chirp, "Table for 40,000?" Or must you guys persist in booking these mismatches until France's all-time record in the Grudge Arena resembles a decent season for the L.A. Clippers? Stop le madness.
- The King of Tonga
Editors' Note: We received many, many, MANY responses which pointed out that the Michelin Man is French and thus would automatically lose in a fight. To test this axiom, the WWWF is dispatching our own John (Thinkmaster General) to France in early 1999 to observe the French and their pugilistic style. He will be reporting back in a series entitled "Do the French suck at fighting, or what?" to relay his observations. Watch for it here in mid-January.
Bullet-proof glass?? 'sigh'
Bib will be the winner, hands down. Kool doesn't stand a chance. Why? Because the Michelin Man's made of rubber!
Here's the thing. Have you ever tried to fight someone coated in rubber? You can't hurt them. Rubber absorbs the impact. If you try to bite them or claw them or stab them with some sort of needle you can't because the rubber's too thick.
Have you ever kissed someone coated in rubber? Have you ever kissed someone made of rubber? Have you ever put on a rubber suit and sang to someone? Rubber absorbs the sound. Have you ever taken rubber, and wrapped it all around yourself, then smeared yourself with vegetable oil or corn oil? Have you ever just licked rubber? Have you ever had the Rush album 2112 cranked to full volume while laying on a rubber bed, naked as the day is long, and had an exotic, specially- trained mountain bear urinate on you while your parents watched?
* * *
The Michelin Man will win because he's made of rubber. And he arouses me. Kool-aid Man will spill and die just like John said. Kool-Aid Man is powerless against Bib. And his Atari game sucked.
- I.C. Sedablineman
If there's one thing I know about Kool-Aid, it's that the damn stuff can never be made correctly. No matter how much drink mix or sugar you add to it, it's always either too watery, too sweet, too strong, etc. It can take hours to get Kool-Aid to the point where intact taste buds will tolerate it without sending the brain a panicked plea of, "OHGODNOPLEASESTOPI'LLDOANYTHINGAAAAAARGH!".
And if there's one thing I know about tires, it's that they go flat at the slightest provocation. Skimmed the side of the curb at 15 MPH? Poof. Flat tire. Run over a cheap plastic Ultra-Huge-Collosal-Slurpee-From-Hell cup? Poof. Flat tire. Fourteen-year-old kid wanders by and happens to look at your car while thinking impolite thoughts? Poof. Flat tire.
Given these simple facts, the course of the fight is rather obvious: Kool-Aid Man puts up his dukes, scowls menacingly- and then hesitates, suddenly acutely aware of the ambiguously digestable liquid sloshing about within his interior. Is the sugar/powder ratio acceptable? Could the texture be improved with a little more water? Will there be enough to go around for the celebratory party after the fight? It's too much. The self-conscious Kool-Aid Man is no longer concentrating on the matter at hand.
Bib, seeing an opening, darts forward with a speed that belies his size. He swings his massive fist upward in a powerful uppercut that connects squarely with the Kool-Aid Man's doubt-creased face. However, K.A. is so absorbed in his own dillema that he hardly takes notice of the punch. Bib, puzzled, rears back in preparation to deliver another mighty blow- and notices the sound coming from his knuckles. He takes a closer look, and sees that-gasp!-he's torn his hand open on K.A's lips! At this rate, he'll be flat in no time!
Bib looks around, trying to find the fastest way to escape the warehouse before K.A. resolves his crisis. At that moment, he notices something- the warehouse seems to be getting bigger by the moment! For that matter, so does Kool-Aid Man! Then Bib understands: nothing is getting bigger, it's just that as his air leaks out, his volume is decreasing- which means that his density is increasing! Bib steps behind the still-oblivious Kool-Aid Man, a malicious grin creeping across his rubbery visage. He clasps both hands together into one small but ultra-dense fist, and whips them straight into the back of K.A.'s knee- the one place he couldn't reach down to at his previous height.
Kool-Aid Man crashes to the floor and shatters into a million fragments of red-stained glass, his last thought a desperate assessment of his powder settlement rate. The Michelin Man crosses his arms in triumph and growls a mocking, "Ohhh, yeah."
- CrashPoint (email@example.com)
That, and the glass may be bullet proof, but nothing compares to the screams of a child. Kool-Aid's scary mug (HA!) will scare the babies, they'll start to scream, shattering the glass.
The Mitchster, just as the fight has started, uses his amazing god-like powers to zip back in time, get one of those huge stone age stone wheels, comes back, then he throws the wheel and "crunch goes the Kool-aid." Then he goes and takes what he came for. Then, to add insult to injury(death?) He steals drink-mans job, selling melted rubber to kids (with artificial everything. Part of a nutricious breakfast(TM). Supplies less than 0% of the RDA of anything. Normal terms and conditions apply(TM).).
- Padraig O ruanai
- Snake Plissken
Michelin man is sitting in a dark room with his coach, analyzing tapes of KoolAid v. The Nathan's HotDog
COACH: Look at 'em! He'll knock ya inta tomorrow Mick!
M.M.: Aw, c'mon coach! He's all head! Anything I land on him is going to be a head shot. He's got a glass jaw!
COACH: Y're wrong Mick! He's 230 pounds of sugar and artificial preservatives! That glass jaw of his can break through a brick wall without so much as a scratch!
M.M.: Geez, you're right coach! What am I gonna do?
COACH: Relax, Mick, I's gotta plan...
It's fight night. KoolAid is in his tape room, when suddenly, the lights go out. Amidst all the confusion, SPANISH FLY MAN (tm) sneaks into the room, pops his top, and spikes Kool Aid Man with a little of his "stuff." Before the lights turn on, Spanish Fly Man is gone...
KoolAid man wobbles to the ring, saying repeatedly "Oh Yeah!...Oh YEAH!...OH YEAH!!!!!" Michael Buffer announces the combatants.
While nobody is looking, Michelin Man slips on his Steel Belt Radial Boxing Gloves(tm) with the snow tire chains hidden underneath.
The bell rings, and M.M. punches Kool in the head, shattering the top of his pitcher. Kool starts leaking fruit punch NOW FORTIFIED WITH VITAMIN C all over the ring, staining it irreversibly. (You try to get Kool Aid staind out of a white shirt, you'll see what I mean.)
It looks bleak for Kool Moe A, but just as M.M. is about to deliver the All-weather Haymaker (tm), we hear a pop, and a hiss... Unwittingly, Michelin had walked over the broken glass of Kool's own head-shards, and is fading fast.
Michelin flails wildly as he melts, like the T2000 at the end of T2, and the coach searches desparately for the doughnut wheel, but it is too late. Mick is deflated at the side of the ring, and Kool is the winner.
Kool, in the post fight interview challenges, Bob's Big Boy for the heavyweight championship and, still drunk off the spanish fly, hits on a Zippo Lighter Girl.
- The Bunchman
- disco volante
Kool-Aid's pitcher appears to be made of glass. However, in all the ads, he always enters by smashing through a wall. Ordinary glass would break under such conditions. Therefore, Kool-Aid's pitcher must be made out of a super-strong plastic or perhaps even that "transparent aluminum" Scotty invented in "Star Trek IV".
Now consider Bib, the Michelin Man. He is made out of tires that have been painted white. This means Bib can punch Kool-Aid's pitcher all day long and nothing will happen. Also, Bib is vulnerable to all the things that can hurt tires - nails, punks with knives, really big potholes, chemicals, etc. All Kool-Aid would have to do is to hit Bib with a sharp object once and Bib will lose his first and second wind. Even just damaging the valve will cause Bib to die a slow death.
Another fact worth considering is national origin. Kool-Aid is considered to be an American ad symbol. Bib the Michelin Man is French (the Michelin company is French, even though they used to have a large manufacturing plant in Milltown, NJ in the early decades of the century). And we all know about the fighting prowess (more like the lack of) of the French. In any fight between the French and someone else, always bet on France's opponent. Bib would probably surrender several minutes into the fight, giving Kool-Aid an easy victory.
- The Demented Astronomer
The lumbering giant Kool-Aid Man, dead Michelin Man firmly implanted, slowly crawls towards the a nearby phone as his tunnel-vision worsens...
All the Michelin Man would have to do is lead Kool-Aid Man to Maine, where he will not be able to resist walking into all of those lobster traps.
- Michael Leung
- Pharoah of ALL
1) Michelin Man is made of rubber. Kool Aid Man is made of glass. Throw a tire and a pitcher off a roof and see which one survives.
2) Kool Aid Man has almost no means of attack. He can't punch or grab account of his stubby arms. If he kicks he'll just fall over and shatter (or at least be unable to get up). All he can do is his "head-on jump attack" which he does to walls. This would turn out to be worthless, as he would just bounce off Michelin Man.
3) Michelin Man seems to be some sort of tire mummy. Mummies are known for their incredible strength, no matter what shape they seem to be in.
4) Kool Aid Man has a friggin handle on his head. Michelin Man can just grab it and smash Kool Aid Man around. As mentioned in #2, Kool Aid Man's arms are too small to stop him.
5) I don't know about you, but I haven't seen many white tires. This makes Michelin Man's race a minority. According to Chris Rock, the bigger the minority, the better they fight.
6) Kool Aid Man could break off a piece of glass and poke a hole into Michelin Man. But Michelin Man would still have enough air left in him for days.
Michelin Man smashes glass boy up and searches for a tougher opponent... like Big Boy.
- Gavok (Smell what the 'Vok is cookin?)
He is A TIRE
My dad is a farmer. Have you ever SEEN tractor tires!!?? Those things can smush 2-inch-thick SOLID STEEL Just think what Mr. Michelin could do to glass and flavoured water!!
If you dispute me, you shall face the wrath of the
- Queen Of Darkness
KOOLAID MAN: What can we determine about this pugilistic pitcher? Well he has experience in combat after all from old comic adds he fought some villains, the only food related villains lamer than the soogies capt'n crunch fought but villains just the same. He has the stregnth to burst through walls without shattering, and he had his own video game. This lends evidence for the "plexiglass pitcher theory."
MICHELIN MAN: Due to a lack of direct evidence the michellan man is tougher to determine. To make this match even I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's made from steel belted radials with chains on them. He's probally tough, I only see him hanging around auto centers, garages, and gas stations. I know from experience that the tough kids from High school who got in fights for the hang of it and won, made fun of other kids, and didn't want to go to college worked (or wanted to work) at auto centers, garages, and gas stations. For this I'll give him the benefit of having fighting experience.
Kool Aide man wind only due to direct evidence of experience. Michellan man needs to get into a drunken brawl in public for me to say he has any fighting skill at all. Also KoolAid man has super stregnth to punch through walls, hollow glass doesn't have weight behind it regardless of how shatterproof it is. We have no evidence of Bib's stregnth.
- Atomic Man
The Kool-Aid Man reminds me of Vanilla Ice.
The Michelin Tire Man reminds me of a caterpillar.
So basically what we have on our hands is A Caterpillar vs. Vanilla Ice.
I voted for the Michelin Man.
- Brian C Strock, esq.
1) First of all, the Kool-Aid Man(tm) obviously has a permanent sugar high (which gives him that smile) thus giving him the strength and energy of 1000 glass pitchers.
2) Do you really know how dangerous Kool-Aid is? Does anyone remember Georgetown? Nuff said.
3) Kool-Aid has the support of millions of young people who were hypnotized as kids in the 80's by the countless slogans and commercials. If the Kool-Aid Man is in any danger, they will rush to his aid all the while yelling, "Oh yeah!!!"
4) Finally, just look at the picture at the top. The Kool-Aid Man's cranium is enormous! According to cartoon physiology, this guy is a Wyle E. Coyote - level bonafide super-genius! And just take a gander at the ice cubes. He's cold and calculating... not to mention the fact that he fills himself with the blood of his victims (red Kool-Aid you say? BAH!).
1) This shmo might be high off of tire fumes, but it's more likely that he's got that grin becuase of the fact that he's QUEERER THAN A 3 DOLLAR BILL!!! And that name? Bib!? It's almost like he's saying, "Please, sir, beat my flabby white ass. I need it." Just look at him!!!
2) Now we all know tires are dangerous, and I'm not disputing that. But the fact of the matter is that tires are only a major threat to animals (i.e. Cartoon animals, pets, and various woodland creatures). The Kool-Aid Man is not in this category.
3) Let's face it. Kids who looked up to Bib were the same ones who were drinking glue, eating grass, and getting the crap beat out of them in elementary school. This guy is NOT going to be getting any sideline help...
4) As far as intelligence goes, reread point #3. The Michelin Man is the patron saint of mechanics for cryin' out loud! The only critical thought ever reached by this idiot ended with the phrase, "Food goes in here."
To sum up, the Michelin Man doesn't stand a chance. He's outwitted, out muscled, and generally out matched. Bottom line... the Kool-meister lives to fight another day and the Michelin Man ends up as as the biggest tire-swing this side of the Mississippi.
- Shaft (Texas Aggies rule! What loss to t.u.?)
Face it, Kool-Aids' only real threats are fear based. He is a large tub of glass, simply brimming with the blood of the damned. Combine that with his deep voice and ungodly huge mouth and you have something that haunts the dreams people who were fairly well adjusted before seeing this haunting figure.
Tire Man/Boy in 2 squeals of rubber.
- Nicholas Eckert, a.k.a. Vidstudent
Burn rubber, baby!
- The Griffon Master
The michelin man will punch through that glass bowl. When he tries to bring his fist back, he will find, he can't. His had is stuck. Seeing the M Man is at a disadvantage the K Man will pick up a shard of his head, and pop the M Man.
The K Man will then go and spread his message of peace, love and "Kool Aid" to the young children of the USA.
- Bob-Slayer of wild spams
I'm going to have to reach back to my Latin lessons for this one; Bibendum. "Nunc est Bibendum" - "Now is the time for drinking." He's called Bibendum because he (and therefore Michelin tyres) are meant to drink up the road. Anyone that can ingest French roads and last as long as he has will get my vote any day. He has to have a cast iron stomach lining by this time; he can take a few mouthfuls of poxy acid.
Oh, and that bulletproof glass thing; if the jug bloke's been out surfing and stuff, the sunlight degrades the polycarbonate and he'll shatter with one blow. Game, set and match to the Michelin Man.
- Mr. Potato Head
Kool-Aid Man may start out strong, but he is quickly unnerved by the fact that EVERY ONE OF HIS BLOWS IS DEFLECTED by the tight rubber body of Bib. I mean, come on. If Koolie had an industrial garbage compressor or a chainsaw, maybe he could dish out some serious punishment. But he doesn't. All he has are two plush, gloved fists and a body full of fruity syrup.
Mere minutes into the fight, Michelin Man unfurls his Michelin plan. Gathering up a full head of steam, he charges at the nearest wall, leaping at the last minute to bounce with deadly accuracy at poor Koolie's head. Doing a few quick gyrations in the air, Bib splashes inside of his opponent's liquid-filled cranium at peak velocity. Being graced with All Weather Traction Grooves", his spinning body quickly sloshes all of the portly pitcher's caustic beverage arsenal out of his body.
Sadly for Koolie, this leaves him totally defenseless in the face of two tons of steel belted radial insanity. From within the now-empty motile glass vessel, Bib begins beating on the fragile walls of Koolie's head, with predictable, if tragic, consequences. Stepping lightly over the shattered remains of Koolie's body, Bib tips over a convenient vat of Kraft Extra-Flammable Cheese Byproduct", which quickly sets the entire plant ablaze.
Game. Set. Match.
Chalk one up to the Michelin Man.
- Tistofer Tickleson
Uh, in that case, I voted for the Michelin Tire Man. If he gets impeached, Jerry the Jiffy Lube Giraffe will have to be president. Whoops, I keep forgetting... Bill Clinton and Michelin Man ain't the same guy. I better think about this some more...
I wonder if cigar companies have mascots?
- 1/2 Nelson
Its a little known fact that MacGuyver's Jeep(TM) had Michelin tires. And we all know the success MacGuyver has had in previous grudge matches. So, Bib, hanging around the MacGuyver set one day, swipes the Acme Sonic Resonator(TM) from the prop room, one day anticipating this classic confrontation.
Kool-Aid Man bursts in and lets out one "Ohhhhhhh Yeaaaaahhhhh."
Bib lets out an even longer "Ohhhhhhhhh Yeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"
The puzzled look on Kool-Aid Man's face is the last coherent act the Saturday Morning Icon(TM) ever performs before Bib turns on the Acme Sonic Resonator(TM), finds the correct harmonic frequency, and Kool-Aid Man shatters into more pices than a Death Star with two photon torpedos down its exhaust vent!
- tracy braun
Here's a few simple hints for you:
-He's "fat, round, and red-faced"
-He makes children around the world happy
-He is able to maintain ice cubes in his body in the hot sun
-He is never around on Christmas Eve (And I outta know, he's my uncle, and he never shows up for Christmas Eggnog that night...)
Yes, that's right. The Kool-Aid Man is Santa Claus!!! Old St. Nick. The Grinch's not-so-evil twin. Kris Kringle himself. I mean, really, what do you suppose Santa Claus does the rest of the year anyways? The point is, #1, he's got Grudge Match history on his side (Tim the Tool Man Taylor, AKA the Santa Clause, annihilated Bob Vila long ago in the golden age of Grudge Match. We must not lose the vision and teachings of our ancestors.) Now, while we're talking past experience, the stupid Michelin Man got aced out for advertising deals by a stupid baby in a diaper sitting in a tire. (No, I will not succumb to the urge to use the Rage in regards to this fact. Why? Because the Michelin Man is a big fat sissy who doesn't deserve the Rage, that's why...) Santa Claus, on the other hand, as all good moviegoers will already know, has saved the planet from senseless destruction countless times.
Case in point: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians... Does anyone truly believe that the Michelin Man could have done such a handy job? I thought not. After all, those same Martians killed Jack Nicholson (Yes, Jack Nicholson!) in Mars Attacks! (One of the stupidest, if not the stupidest, movies of all time, but nevertheless, it was made in Hollywood and therefore must be true...) And as we all know, Nicholson was convicted by Tom Cruise (A Few Good Men) which also included Kevin Bacon in the cast, so you see, in just a few short leaps, we get back to Kevin Bacon, and then AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! sorry, wrong stupid reasoning game...
There can be only one.
- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood
Bib has Kool-Aid at his mercy after two hours of intense fighting.
"At last, Kool-Aid, I will down your sugary lifesource!"
Bib takes Kool-Aid by the handle and puts the rim to his mouth...
"Hold on a second, Bib!"
Vlad, Hamster of Wonder, appears out of thin air. Bib drops Kool-Aid, whirling around to confront his new nemesis.
"Who dares disturb my moment of victory?"
Vlad pulls out the Hard Copy of Previous Matches (tm), and flips back to the fifth book of the New Era (tm).
"You're from what tire company?"
"Michelin, but I don't see what that has to do with..."
"And Michelin is based where?" Vlad interrupts, jotting down notes in his Reporting Handbook (tm).
"I refer you, Bib, to The French Army vs. English Soccer Hooligans. In current Grudge lore, French opponents can't win. You lose by default."
"It can't be!" says Bib, not noticing Kool-Aid brandishing a pocketknife. "You can't do this."
"No hard feelings, man. Loved the baby ads..."
"I'll get you for this, Hamster of Wonder!" Bib screams as he deflates at the hand of the big jug of bug juice (Try saying it 10 times...). "You haven't seen the last of meeeeeee..."
- Vlad, Self-Indulgent Hack Reporter of Wonder
Well, the only problem with this is that, hand to hand, neither will come out the victor. Think about it. Kool-Aid Man is some kind of reinforced glass and the Michelin Man is a tire! The Michelin Man will hammer his Flying Fists of Rubber through that smille on the Kool-Aid man's face, shattering his pitcher and puncturing the Michelin Man's body, deflating his flabby ass. Afterword, all that will be left will be a Purpleasaurus Rex saturated pile of rubber! I predict a double K.O. However, if they resort to weapons or projectiles, it's a whole other ballgame, my friends. If you go for blunt weapons (i.e. baseball bats, clubs, Al Gore) it's a no brainer. Michelin Man all the way. Kool Aid Man will swing his Louisville Slugger into Michelin Man and it will simply bounce back and shatter his rotund self. Knives, on the other hand, would go to Kool-Aid Man. It's simply impossible to slice open glass while the Michelin Man will be quickly deflated. Now, if they were to use powerful artillery....
This has gone way to far. I'm gonna go watch Dawson's Creek.
- Brad "Why does it burn when I pee, mommy?" Hodson
1) The Michelin Man... Age:over 55. Weight: grossly overwieght, judging by his round shape and the fact that he is, in fact, one large spare tire (or tires. You be the judge). Profession: Corporate Spokesman. Sex: Definitely male. He has broad shoulders and works with cars. Race: Lily white as the british house of lords. The point? HE'S AN OLD, FAT, RICH WHITE MALE CORPORATE STOOGE!
on the other hand...
2) Kool Aid "Man"... Age: less than 35. Build: Round and curvy, with full lips and dark eyelashes. Complexion: Ruby Red, or Kiwi delight, or berry blue. Profession: Providing sweets for kids and making life easier for american parents. The Point? This is no "man"! She's a full figured young woman who's been forced to adopt the mantle of manhood to make it in a male dominated Corporate world.
This is not just a battle between corporate spokes persons, it's the classic battle of the sexes. The Michelin Man is fighting for the Old Boy's Club(TM), segregated bathrooms and making 20% more for every dollar that women earn for similar work. Kool-Aid "man", who, if this were a just society could go by her real name of Jennifer, is fighting for equal pay, child care facilities in the workplace and the erosion of a male dominated world. Why do you think she's fighting for Kraft, another company designed to ease the burden for working mothers everywhere.
It doesn't matter how tough or rich or old or white Michelin is, He can't fight the awesome power of a class action lawsuit(TM)! Kool Aid was forced to break through the wall to surprise Mich, and slap him with a subpoena. The actual battle is fought in front of judge judy, who, having just finished distinguishing between male pig #1 (Clinton) and reproductive Nazi #1(Starr) is in no mood to deal with the Michelin Man's sexist crap. She slaps Him with millions in fines and forces his puny tire company out of business. Kool Aid, steeled by her victory over white male oppression, re-adopts her real name (Jennifer), and devotes her time to helping others win similar victories. Next up, Lucky the leprechan vs those racist kids who keep staealing his stuff.
In response to that anti-matter crack: have you ever noticed semi-dried Kool-Aid??? It may well be the stickiest substance this side of maple syrup. All Kool-Aid Bro would have to do is spill some on the Tire-Sis from out the top of his pitcher, and that dude would be stuck stock still staring stupidly for the rest of eternity, and you know tires never decompose.
- Pass the Kool-aid
- Mary (who is, incidentally, Actual Size)
Long story short: tires = deadly weapons.
How can you vote against a guy made entirely out of deadly weapons?
Yes, Kool-Aid Man has his vital innards exposed, but what about Bib: he doesn't have ANY insides! He's nothing but a bunch of tires stacked one atop the other. What's holding him together?!?
As this looks set to wind up a glorified sumo match, simple physics dictate the outcome. Kool-Aid Man, possessing much more mass than Bib due to his glassware and fluids, slams his weight into Bib. The tires fly all over the place, leaving only a pair of white boots still standing. The next morning Kool-Aid Man takes the mortal remains of Bib and makes an offer to the Trojan Company(tm). In a last mocking indignity to the defeated, what's left of Bib becomes the first batch of Trojan/Kool-Aid flavored condoms.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight sez he likes Peyote-Flavored Kool-Aid the best... ooohhh yeahhhhhhhh!!!
Thus, as Kool-io and Bib take futile swings at each other, the Michelin Man manages to calm the Kool-Aid Man, sends him sliding across a white floor. He then gets a taste of Kool-Aid, becomes completely hyper for fifteen minutes, and ruthlessly destroys the mac & cheese tire.
- Trevor "Flwyd" Stone
Lets review. The Kool-Aid Man's signiture entrance involves breaking throug a brick wall. This will leave much residual dust and debris. Also, Koolie has no lid, so any sudden movements will send Kool-Aid flying everywhere. Basically, Koolie makes a mess. Koolie's messy habits have made him one very deadly enemy, MR. CLEAN! Some might argue that Mr. Clean is a wuss, after all, he did loose a bar fight to Grude Match spokesperson Mr. T. However, according to GM Da Book (TM) Mr. T only won by 4% of the votes. 4 PERCENT! Thats like going 21 rounds toe-to-toe with Evander Holyfield. Lets face it, Mr. Clean's got Staying Power (TM).
Back to the match, after a few minutes of fighting, Koolie is begining to dominate. Then suddenly Mr. Clean jumps into the warehouse armed with a sledgehammer. Having no peripheral vision, the Kool-Aid man never knows what hits him. Within a few minutes The Kool-Aid man's remains have been neatly cleaned up and deposited in a trash can, the floor has been mopped, the shelves dusted, and all that will remain is a dazed Michilin man claiming victory.
- The Animator
MiChelin: Let's see how you stand up to my spectacularly bouncy form!
[Kool-Aid charges Michelin, but he bounces off of him and falls flat on his back]
Michelin: Hee hee hee hee! I am rubber, you are glue! Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you! Nyaa~!
Kool-Aid: I'm not giving up THAT easily!
[Kool-Aid charges him again, but he bounces off of him again]
Michelin: Heh heh heh... Now you shall DIEE!
[Michelin is about to clobber Kool-Aid, but suddenly, out of nowhere, a more awesome, powerful entity comes... one equal to that of Menthos- level coolness(tm)]
Kool-Aid: *Gasp* It's Mr. Cool Whip!
Cool Whip: Whassup?
Kool-Aid: This elastic freak is trying to kill me.
Cool Whip: Then... ... face my WRATH.
[Cool Whip's magic sparkles touch Michelin]
Michelin: And what's THAT supposed to do? Urk...
[Michelin starts to fill with helium. He promptly explodes]
Cool Whip: Ha ha ha ha ha! It's Cool Whip Time, babyİ!
- Colonel Zippo Kanaza
Michelin Man: Stack of Tires
Kool-Aid Man: Giant Violent Pitcher of Sugar Water with Nigh Indestructable" Noggin.
The point has been made that Michelin tires are used on race cars, 4-wheelers, low riders, and other manly conveyances, but, if one checks your local grocer, K-AM has been shown DRIVING racecars. So there.
I almost voted for Michelin Man, because Kool-Aid is evil and discontinued Rock-A-Dile Red... bastards...
Besides, the Michelin Man has a cool name. "Bib" is just his dumbed-down Americanized nickname -- his real name is the sonorous and mouth-filling Bibendum. Say it out loud: Bib-en-dum. Imagine a Gregorian chorus chanting it on the soundtrack. Damn, that's cool. The Kool-Aid Man, despite his pretensions to hipness, doesn't even have a name of his own. He's nothing but an identityless corporate tool, devoid of spirit and originality. One look at the proud nobility of Bibendum will be enough to break his spirit and send him fleeing back to the supermarket, crying big sticky tears.
- ~the Stranger
The Kool-Aid Man is possessed of superhuman strength. He's proved this over and over again at the expense of innumerable brick walls in innumerable stupid ads on the back of '80s comic books. Moreover, because he hasn't been hanging around for the last ten years or so (and because he had an Atari game), he's possessed by the quieter, more studious (yet just as ass-whuppin' in a pinch) cousin of the RAGE (tm), the RETRO (tm). He's old, therefore he's cool.
The Michelin Man, on the other hand, is obviously just another workin' stiff in a stack of tires. We've witnessed no powers or abilities from him save a willingness to stand there like an idiot and smile at the end of the commercial. He has no T-shirts, or comic book ads, or even a friggin' Colecovision game. All he's got is a little name recognition from ads played during Monday Night Football. In other words, he's playing in the wrong sandbox. Hell (tm), I wouldn't be surprised if he declared the fight a violation of his Union bylaws, and ran away so he could picket the Michelin offices.
While rubber can take a pounding well, it can't stay in one place after a massive dose of punishment Kool-Aid Style (tm). Kool-Aid could just dribble Michelin's ass out the window while he's sitting there and crying like a goddam woman.
- Thomas Wilde
Ask any mother of red-blooded, American, Kool-Aid drinking children, and they'll all tell you that nothing in the world can stain like Kool-Aid. And the Michelin Man is wearing white. Not good.
In a few quick seconds the Michelin Man will find himself permanently soiled. Unable to cope with the social stigma now placed on him due to his unkempt appearance, he will flee in order to change into a new, clean rubber suit. Kool-Aid Man wins by default.
- A. P. Kraemer
Bib will almost certainly be drawing upon years of jealousy and resentment, turning this fight into his one big chance at vengeance upon his hated (and more popular) rival. Not only that, but the tire guy is fighting for his very survival. Should he lose this fight and allow the new All-Weather tire design to be released, that will almost certainly cost him his job. Not only will he be out of work, he'll be forced to live in the same apartment complex as other failed mascots such as The Noid. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to live with the Noid.
Kool-Aid: broken and leaking
Bib: satisfied and victorious (but with an irremovable red stain right in the middle of his chest)
- Joe Mama
Of course, this happens after the Kool-Aid Man tries to take down the Michilin Man with hoards of brain-washed kids. The Tuft of Rubber has brought back-up consisting of HUGE tires, which are of course, attached to monster trucks.
Anyway, the fight ends with hundreds of shards of glass around, mixed with the corpses of pancake preschoolers, while Michilin Man bounces away gleefully, visions of cash ricocheting in his mind.
- Big Sexy Jared Goodrich
Kool-Aid has been fighting the oral hygene of America's youth for decades now and has not even received a raised eyebrow from the parental protectionist squads which have brought us such cautionary devices as record warning labels, TV ratings and that little notice on the back of Poprocks warning kids not to mix it with coke. Obviously Mr. K is making no headway in his war on Enamel.
Bib, on the other hand, has brought his company's business (Japanese proverb - business is war) to the distant shores of Japan, the ultimate protectionist society.
If Bib can beat the Japanese at business, their national sport, while KoolAid can't beat up on America's malnourished kids , the Battle of the Bulgey will surely go to Bib.
- P. Stine
1. Michelin Man is the God of tires. He'll make sure that all the Kool-aid trucks are without tires, thus stopping Kool-aid man from getting his supply. Without the 2000 packets it requires to fill up a 5 1/2 foot tall pitcher, Kool-aid man will have to resort to using his emergency ration of sugar-free Kool-aid, which, we all know sucks. Without sugar, Kool-aid man will be too sluggish to fight.
2. The night before the fight, Michelin man has his body covered with snow chains. While the Kool-aid man is tuckered out due to a severe lack of sugar, the Michelin Man is gonna be dropping steel belted, snow chained bombs on his sugar-free opponent. The Kool-aid man will shatter like an egg in the brutal onslaught. There will be 16,000 hits folks, the Michelin man hitting Kool-io, and 15,999 pieces of a glass pitcher hitting the ground.
Experiment #1: I
introduced several sturdy glass pitchers of Cherry Kool Aid into the
pit containing Experimental Group A.
Result: The pitchers were knocked over and the Chihuahuas consumed the contents. Just to be certain that this wasn't an aberration, I repeated the experiment with several other Kool-Aid flavors, including their newest flavors, Pressure-relieving Pineapple-Prune Power Punch and Explosive Eruption of Elderberry Elation, with similar results. Control Group A showed no change, remaining irritable, noisy and incontinent.
Experiment #2: I dropped a set of fully inflated Michelin
RainForce MX4 tires into Experimental Group B's pit, allowing the
Chihuahuas to attack them.
Result:As the tires bounced around in the pit, all but two of the dogs were crushed into something resembling a mix of tomato paste, fur, Vienna sausage and A- 1 sauce. The remaining pair attempted to consume their fallen comrades, but eventually gave up, apparently put off by the A-1 sauce. They then repeatedly expressed a desire for Taco Bell. Control Group B showed no change, but they also requested that I provide Taco Bell.
Conclusion: These results are consistent with the previous records of the combatants. Even if Kool-Aid could be considered responsible for the 910 Jonestown deaths, he required the help of Mr. Cyanide and Mr. Wigged-Out-Closet-Marxist-Preacher. The Michelin Man is the King of the Tire Empire, and he and his army have taken at least as many human lives, but that is only the beginning of the horror. Perhaps billions of God's furry little creatures have been crushed by this fiend's steel-belted minions as they speed along, indifferent to the squeaking death screams of our nation's wildlife. Kool-Aid may be tough, but he doesn't even have The Eye of the Tiger (TM), much less The Eye of the Homicidal Maniac (TM). The only question left to answer: Will the coroner use an XXXXXXL body bag or a gigantic dustpan?
- Mr. Silverback- Write for my free recipe for Korean Style Chihuahua Fajitas. Serves six.
I'll say this for Bib. He is anthropomorphically correct, that is, his arms are where a normal human being's arms should be. He (and I) had full range of motion, useful for swatting away no-good brats who like kicking your ankles.
Now, while I have not been Kool-Aid Man (although I do own a mint copy of the Adventures of Kool-Aid Man, stashed away with my other valuable comics, like the Quik Rabbit's), I have seen him in action. And he is not anthropomorphically correct. The poor schlub inside KAM couldn't even use the Clapper(TM) to turn off the lights. T-Rex's arms are of more use than Kool-Aid Man's appendages. And I won't even to into how Kool-Aid Man's overly high center of gravity truly dooms him to an unseemly end.
Based on experience and observation, I predict that Bib, The Michelin Man will merely need a long pole, such as a broom handle, to push Kool-Aid Man off-balance. Kool-Aid Man's innards shall be lapped up by neighborhood hungry dogs, reminiscent of a bad episode of Massive Headwound Harry. Oh, the humanity!
- Big Daddy Dave
If Michelin Man actually beat the Kool-aid Man, then there would dozens of children out to murder the rubber-tire idiot. Eventually, even if he managed to hold off, say, two or three kids, he would be overwhelmed by the masses and reduced to the kind of black rubber fragments you see on the freeway when a semi's blown a tire. Meanwhile, the children would take the remains of Kool-aid Man, make a monument, and revere him. Thus, Kool-aid Man would live on in our memories, if not in his red-faced, glassy and "Oh, yeah!" physical self.
Simply said, Michelin Man - 0 and Kool-aid Man - 1. Hands down. No contest. Michy should just give up now.
- The Infragable Mr.Rogers
- Bri Rob the Caveman
Let's see... last time I saw the Michelin man he was waving in a friendly manner, standing next to the product he is the front man for, i.e. an automobile tire.
He is larger than an automobile tire... okay.
The Kool aid man in every ad I've seen is about the size of a pitcher. Hell, he *is* a pitcher, ain't he? Okay.
Now pitchers and tires come in different sizes, but still, one is bigger than the other. Size and mass seem to be on the side of the Michelin Man from the get go, regardless of strategy used by either party. Big advantage for the Michelin Man, I think...
Speaking of strategy, the Kool Aid man might even try to even the odds a bit by calling in some back up. Wouldn't be a fight without some interesting odds now, would it?
Okay. Who's he gonna call? Friends from the food industry, no doubt. Snap, Crackle & Pop (for shock troop action)? That Cocoa Puffs Bird (for aerial support)? Cap'n Crunch (allegedly a navy war veteran)?? Fine. Bring em on. The Michelin Man has contacts too, most notably in the realm of automotive merchandising. Who's he gonna call? Easy. The Agip mascot. And with that, any competition is most certainly toast.
Who's gonna want to mess with a man whose back up is a big, black, six legged fire breathing dog thing?
See for yourself what highly mobile, fire breathing backup can look like:
- Mr. Monza
Since the Pitcher Man is the embodiment of all these cesspools of disease across the world, he will most necessarily possess every conceivable germ in his body. I doubt he will be able to stand up, assuming that Kool AIDS has not reduced him to a Dixie Cup of his former self. His death will be quick.
Now, Bib has Kool-Aid on the move; the glass bastard is afraid of having his legs taken out. This would surely mean his doom. Picking up a carton of spare Silly String, Bib hurls it at the Kool-Aid man. It hits and bursts, coating the Kool-Aid man's face in the gooey crap. Using this window of opportunity, Bib successfully offers Kool-Aid a crate of Slinkys in the face. Stunned, Kool-Aid stumbles and manages to prop himself against a wall at the last second. Bib wields an axle plucked from a nearby Volkswagen (Of COURSE there are Volkswagens in the Wacky Warehouse!) and moves in for the death blow.
Not so fast! An explosion rings out across the Warehouse, and men in black jumpsuits begin pouring in through a hole in the ceiling. It's the IRA! Yes, after seeing that his friend Kool-Aid was in trouble, Lucky the Leprechaun and his other fellow members of the Death By Sugar Coalition, joined up with the Northern Ireland resistance faction and came to their friend's aid. They pelt the Michelin Man with rubber bullets, forcing him to helplessly bounce all over the Warehouse.
"Thanks, Lucky," Kool-Aid tells his friend as he is being helped off of the wall. "I thought I was done for sure."
"Aye, tis nae a problem," the diminuitive leprechaun replies. "I've always wanted to crush th' shite out 'f that pompous rubber bastard. Ye jes' gave me th' chance I been lookin' fer." Lucky hands Kool-Aid a sickle shaped like a Yellow Moon, and several ninja stars shaped like Green Clovers. "Go finish th' bollocks off."
The IRA ceases fire, and Bib falls to the ground, a dazed, disoriented mess. Kool-Aid approaches him, Sickle held high.
"I don't wanna go to school, ma!" the stunned Bib complains.
"You're not goin' to school," Kool-Aid growls, "you're goin' to HELL!!"
BUT WAIT! A shot rings out, and Kool-Aid staggers backward, his vital fluids quickly leaking from a bullet hole in his face. He hurriedly plugs the hole with a nearby Furby, but the Kool-Aid continues to slowly dribble out.
Enter Lee Iacocca, accompanied with a squadron of elite merceneraies hired by the Chrysler corporation, led by Tom Berenger. "Sorry, boys," Lee begins, "but if the Michelin Man is killed, valuable American factory workers will be put out of business across the country." Iacocca grins. "We can't have that. Get 'em, boys!" Tom Berenger screams "Ayayooahh!!" or something at the top of his lungs.
"Aye, fekk yeh, yer liberal shites!" Lucky shouts in defiance. "Kill 'em all, m'boys!" The mercenaries and IRA clash in what is most certainly the bloodiest warehouse battle in the history of mankind. While no one is looking, Bib plucks an AK-47 from a dead IRA soldier, riddles Kool-Aid full of holes, and bounces the hell out of there. Eventually, Tom Berenger is the only one left alive, the scalps of several Irishmen and one pint-sized leprechaun affixed to his belt. Damn, that Tom Berenger is cool!
- Phat Cheops
Let's see, a giant glass pitcher vs. some tire freak who's just got to have a tire iron or crowbar handy. (Right next to the spare tire in the trunk.)
It's a pretty lopsided contest, guys. What's next, Frosty the Snowman Vs. some nut with a flamethrower?
- Trey Helms
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Snuggles v. Winnie the Pooh
Lucky the Leprechaun v. The Trix Rabbit
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