World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

With the exception of RuPaul's devastating defeat, the Up With Chycks (tm) concert was a grand success. The star of the show, Melissa Etheridge, succumbed to the pleas of the crowd and granted three encore performances. Needless to say, she was exhausted and her throat was parched. After a quick shower in her hotel room, she headed down the block to the Mormon Tavernacle (tm) for a relaxing drink.

In one corner of the bar, a few sets of eyes noticed her entrance. "Hey there, Sammy, take a look at what just walked though the door." Indeed, Sam Malone had noticed her with his sixth sense the moment she entered. "Oh yeah", Sam replies, "I bet she would enjoy some of the rides at Sammy's Playhouse." Sam rises from his chair and walks over to the bar to meet this Catch of the Day (tm).

Meanwhile, in the other corner of the bar, a grand celebration was going on. Since it was Richie's 21st birthday, the whole gang was out to have a good time. Suddenly, a quick hand gesture from The Fonz brings the laughter from Ralph Malph's nutty jokes to an abrupt halt. All eyes turn to the Fonz, who is staring intently at Melissa. "Ayyyyy! I think I am in love!" cries the Fonz to his friends. He swipes the comb from his leather jacket and attempts to fix his hair before realizing that it's already perfect. The Fonz straightens his jacket and struts over to the bar to meet his dream woman.

So, Brian, which of these lusting lechers lands this lesbian's love?

Sam Malone, Cheers The Fonz, Happy Days

Sam Malone

vs.

The Fonz

The Commentary

BRIAN: This all comes down to who has more in common with Melissa. Well, any idiot can tell you that it's gonna be Sam. What does the Fonz do? He rides a motorcycle. If Melissa was in any way interested in motorcycles, she would not be a lesbian. She would be quite heterosexual, fat, tattooed, and would be hanging around with guys that look like they should be singing "Sharp Dressed Man". Clearly this is not the case. So what does interest Melissa? Well, being a lesbian, that means, by definition, that she at one time played field hockey. Being a former major league pitcher, Sammy will have all kinds of sports-related stories to share with her, guaranteeing quality bonding time (which can only lead to other kinds of bonding...). Once Fonzie realizes she has no interest in riding his bike, he's out of ammo.

And besides, what wooing power does the Fonz have? That snap? Oh, that will go over well with a worldly woman of the 90s. I'm sure you'll claim that that snap of his has some irresistible, mystical power, but I'd say that it's more of a signal than a power. What naive girl at Al's has he not already had? They all know him, they all know what the snap means. Melissa, not familiar nor interested with this, will just laugh and throw a drink in his face. And what does Sam have going for him? Well, everybody wants him. They may not realize it right away, but they do. The prudish Diane Chambers, attracted to Sumner Sloan aka the Anti-Sam, fell head-over-heels. The spiteful and disinterested Rebecca finally succumbed as well. Even that Russian poetry freak friend of Diane's was all over Sam. And Carla, who hates everybody, had a bit of a thing for him, too. The list goes on and on: Loretta, that councilwoman, Whoopi. And I've always had my doubts about Cliff. Clearly, the question is not who will Melissa fall for, but how long will it take her to fall for Sam. I say 90 minutes tops.

STEVE: Brian, you know so little about which you speak. I happen to have photos in my possession (sent to me by a friend who lived there) of an annual parade in San Francisco called "Dykes on Bikes". I would scan them in for our viewers, but I don't think fat, topless, lesbian bikers would be appropriate material, especially for younger audiences. Let me just say that they do, in fact, like motorcycles a whole lot. And of course, that translates over to the Fonz, who will have her in his power before Sam is finished adjusting his toupee. A single snap of his fingers is all that it will take. No woman can resist him. This is shown time and time again. In fact, it is apparent to even a casual Happy Days viewer that even Mrs. Cunningham has a thing for "Arthur". Sam, although he does well, does get denied frequently, usually by the more intelligent women.

Sam has other psychological problems which will hamper him as well. He will approach Melissa, but will then start thinking about Diane or Rebecca. He gets hung up on his old romances, and this will lead to him faltering at a crucial moment. He also has a lot of pressure bearing against him. With the immense reputation he has built up with Norm, Cliff, and the others, he is placed under considerable strain. He'll crack under the pressure (as he always did while pitching for the Red Sox), and have to forfeit to the Fonz.

BRIAN: Steve, Steve, Steve. It's so like you to bring up the exception that proves the rule. Do you really think that anything that ever has or ever will happen in San Francisco is at all applicable to anything that ever has or could ever occur in Utah? We're talking about two places at opposite ends of the sexuality spectrum. After personally viewing these pictures of yours, I can say that they provide definitive evidence of two things: 1.) The Apocalypse is upon us and 2.) A woman has to be fat to like motorcycles. Melissa, not being fat, will have no interest in bikes or, subsequently, The Fonz.

And if anyone is gonna be hung-up, it's the Fonz. Aside from the way Joni loves Chaci (tm), has there ever been a TV love greater than that between The Fonz and Pinky Tuscadaro? Surely the Fonz has not yet recovered. And if you want pressure, imagine how The Fonz would feel striking out in front of Ralph, Potsy, and Clarence, who idolize him. He'll crack from the pressure before Sam does.

And the ultimate proof that The Fonz will strike out is that he really isn't as cool as he is portrayed to be. Remember, they have a lower standard for cool in Wisconsin than they do in Boston (or anywhere else in the word for that matter). In Wisconsin, wearing cheese on your head is considered cool! Do I have to draw you a map? If the Fonz was so cool, how could he have ever been responsible for Cop and a Half? And if the Fonz was so great with the ladies, how come he and Richie ended up running a prostitution ring out of a morgue with Mr. Mom? And do you remember who one of the hookers was from that ring? That's right: Shelley Long. Seems the Fonz would need 50 dollars to make Diane holler, yet Sam rode that gravy train for years. QED.

STEVE: First off, let me say that between your field hockey comment and now the Wisconsin slam, I hope your will is in order since you'll probably be murdered before the match is over. I also note that, as usual, you have to resort to irrelevant TV-universe references that are quite tenuous at best. You selectively pick these to make your point (which I commend), but of course you leave a lot out of the picture. The Fonz also brought us things such as MacGyver, which cancels out your Cop and a Half point. And the Pinky issue is irrelevant as well. Of course he had everyone believing he loved her. But that was just part of his image. The Fonz knew that women are more attracted to unattainable men. A true genius.

Finally, let's look at a solid piece of evidence instead of all this dilly-dallying. Sam, of course, is known for his black book, which supposedly contains the numbers of all the gorgeous women he's dated in Boston. The only time anyone actually ever went through his book was when Cliff decided to get a date from it. What did he end up with? A cleaning lady! With that being the only available data point, chances are that the rest of the book also consists of bogus entries. Sam is all talk and no action. Prediction: Melissa will be singing "I wanna come over" into the Fonz's ear. Score one more for the Fonz.

Thanks to the many, many people that suggested this or a similar match-up.

For Cheers and Happy Days links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

Both strike out (1178)

but

The Fonz (498)

outdoes

Sam Malone (279)

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK (ROTW) (TM)

If this were anything approaching reality, it could be a very interesting match, but this isn't reality. Its not even very good fiction. Its a dangerous step into that most dreaded of realms, the Sitcom Zone!

That's right, we've unwittingly stumbled into a place where the proper response to the accidental destruction of a friend's beloved vase is not a heartfelt apology and an offer of financial compensation but instead a hare-brained scheme that's doomed to failure before the second comercial break.

To quote our WebTV Guide:

Cheers, NBC - Sam sets his sights on a beautiful singer, unaware that the Fonz has his eye on the same prize! Hijinks ensue. Guest starring Richard Winkler.

A simple analysis of sitcom chemistry yields the obvious solution. Since the writers are unwilling to commit to a definite decision in one or the other's character, and since its already a known fact that Melissa does in fact "swing the other way", it becomes clear that whatever ploys, schemes, and outright lies either side attempts will backfire miserably, leaving both Sam and the Fonz watching with despair as Melissa picks up another woman and strolls on out.

Winner: Probably Lilith, since she'd (in a rational universe) be the last you'd expect.

- Jon who has too much time on his hands

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Winner (tm)

Both Sam and Fonzie will fail miserably-here's the play by play.

1.Sam moves in first-- Woody can stall the Fonz for at least a while. After some small talk, Melissa enightens Our Boy Malone (tm) to the fact that he's going to be feeling like Lou Diamond Phillips did when Fraulein Etheridge stole his wife. Plus, Sam always consults with the regulars when confronted with a spectacularly unusual situation, which in this case, prompts a 4-hour theory of lesbianism from Cliff Clavin, and comas ensue.

2. Fonzie, after much translation, realizes that this chick likes chicks. wooaaah-aaaayyyy! 50's values cause Arthur Fonzarelli's brain stem to shut down. (Remember, he had issues to deal with when he found out his pet dog was retarded, so any other shock to the brain after all the daredevil acts could put him in a coma.) Fonzie returns to his booth to beat the crap out of Potsie and Ralph Mouth. Ritchie he'll need for help on this one later, so the Cunningham boy avoids death.

3. Melissa takes out Diane for hot monkey sex, Jules and Vincent from Pulp Fiction hold up the bar, and since Jules can out-correctamundo Fonzie, everybody stays cool and nobody gets hurt.

Final Score:
Malone-0
Fonz-0
Etheridge-hot monkey sex, but boring morning conversation
Robbery survivors-no money, but styling 60's surf music a la Tarentino.

- George

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Winner (tm)

Mayday Malone is a paper tiger when it comes to women. Observe the quality of his fabled conquests. Diane thought she was brainy, but she left a top-rated series thinking she had a career in movies. Her only success there has been, ironically, playing a TV sitcom mom. Rebecca's a member of Scientology, the religion invented by a man who said the best way to get rich in America is to invent your own religion. Enough said. Councilwoman Janet Eldridge is now stuck in outer space, 70,000 light-years from Earth or a good script. And Whoopi?! The less said, the better. Carla had the hots for Sam, but also the good sense to keep her distance, and not get lumped in with this sorry bunch.

Arthur Fonzarelli, contrariwise, is a Force of Nature(tm). Sex appeal runs so strong in his genes, Scott Baio got some simply by being his cousin. And Fonzie has some experience in, ahem, conversion jobs. Visualize Pinky Tuscadero for a moment. Recall she had a sister named Leather. I think you get the idea.

Fonz snaps, which flips Sam's toupee over his eyes, and effortlessly walks off with the prize, and the admiration of Norm and Cliff.

And guys, you're behind the curve on lesbian motorcyclists. Those, er, bikes were in the Inaugural Parade four years ago. The Apocalypse(tm) has been upon us for quite some time now.

- Call me Shane

Steve,

I figured both guys would strike out miserably. One thing that lesbians tend to have in common is (no, not field hockey) that they're not attracted to men.

I'm addressing this opinion to Steve only, since I assume Brian is currently being hunted across the continent by lesbians, bikers, field hocky players, overweight people, and all of Wisconsin. My condolences on your loss, Steve.

- Lorna, Ottawa

Lets just consider who has hooked up with the closest thing to a lesbian yet. My data shows that Whoopi's channelled kiss to Demi Moore in Ghost is the best thing we got. Sam Malone wins.

- Coach

Sam clearly wins because of experience. If you will recall, he ROUTINELY left the bar with more than 1 woman, often for a weekend ski jaunt or such and such. Knowing Mayday's predilicition for saucy vixens, it is fairly safe to assume that at least a few of these women were lesbians, or at a minimum dabbled in the lesbian arts, and that they schooled him in the art of lesbian love. The Fonz, who admittedly looks better in a leather jacket, cannot claim such experience. While I would like to believe that Jonie was a lesbian, there is no basis to that assertation. Sammy knows how to please, so, Mayday wins the pennant! Mayday wins the pennant!

- Peter Storm, Man Without Pants

Two things should be pointed out here:

1) Mormon Tavernacle is the dumbest thing I have ever heard

2) This whole contest assumes that neither the contestants nor the goal are overcome by a hoard of Mormon missionaries, asking them to repent of their sins. In Utah, neither Sam Malone nor The Fonz will last half an hour in Utah without converting or running. Melissa won't last ten minutes.

- MW

Well, I'm sorry guys. I don't think either has a chance. I believe Melissa would be much more interested in hooking up with Joanie, who always looked so darned sexually confused. I mean, come on, she was with Chachi (who went on to bang Pamela Anderson Lee and that oldest girl on Chachi in Charge, but I digress). This can allow Chachi to finally admit his own homosexuality and finally consumate his relationship with Buddie Lembeck, that is Willie Aames, who also was friends with Chachi in Zapped. I would fit Adam Rich in here too, but he's dead. Or is he? You see, we all know from that infamous Howard Stern show that Joanie was abused as a child and that usually leads to swearing off guys and embracing homosexuality (look, Frasier and Niles prepped me for all of this, ok?). I think that I am right and I know that I'm one of those strange people that once people play a role they are that role, witness I still call Ron Howard Opie Cunningham.

- masa panic

no match whatsoever. Both Sam and Fonz only pick up GOOD looking women. Their interest will not even be piqued. Her sexual orientation is a non-factor. Melissa will be lucky to leave with Carla.

- don

Sam and the Fonz attempt to woo Melissa but in the course of doing so, their eyes meet and they realize what true closet cases they really are. Their respective attempts at carousing with women was just an elaborate cover-up for their homosexuality. Just look at their names: Sammy and Fonzy. I say they're holding hands singing "YMCA" in 45 minutes.

- The Village Person

I am certain that the NONE OF THE ABOVE category will pull through here. After all, how many neanderthal-testosterone-charged cave men do you have voting here? Are all of us men so confident in our studliness that we are certain that we can 'turn' a lesbian who is comfortable in her sexuality over to 'our' side? ......besides, we all should know that she would DEFINITELY split the difference and go for Carla!

- Kang

Neither Sam nor Fonz have a chance. And this time, there's no mystical, non-obvious reason. Nope. It's just that, Melissa Etheridge being as she is, would not want to take a tussle in the tumbleweeds (or whatever they tumble in in Salt Lake City) with a man whose penis is smaller than hers. 'Nuff said.

- Sluggo at UIC

Ok, first things first Sam doesn't have a chance. He usually gets by with his good looks (which will not have any affect on Melissa) and just the other women being horny (which Melissa might be, but not towards Sam ) Also, as mentioned, Sam has been turned down before, he has been shot down cold by hetero women (one of whom liked Paul more than him), and in at least one episode where I saw Sam fail, he tried to excuse it by claiming that the women in question was a lesbian, thus suggesting that Sam knows that he can not win over a lesbian (maybe even that he has already tried and failed)

So with Sam out of the picture (I figure he'll try once fail, and become interested in someone who will be more receptive to his charms) the only real quesiton is can Fonzie overcome Melissa's lesbianism. A tall order indeed, I don't think even Superman could do it, but this is the Fonz we are talking about, he is more than Superman, the Lone Ranger, and Batman combined. And just remember the Fonz never looses, he always gets the girl. (And he has done it on the road as well as in Wisconsin, proving that his powers are indeed mystical and not just a recognition signal for local girls) Look at all the Fonz has done, look at his incredible success rate, look at the power of the Fonzie snap. Yes, Melissa could resist a normal man, she could even resist the powers of the great Mayday Malone, but she will never be able to stand against Arthur Fonzareli.

- Brendan W. Guy

Brian, Brian, Brian. I know a two dozen field hockey players calling for your blood and their boyfriends planning unspeakable acts of sacrilege upon your broken bones when the girls have finished. The female rugby team is also considering action. But I digress.

Sam is clearly out of his element. Unlike the rest of Sam's women, Melissa does not (as far as is known) have some sort of psychological problem which is a requirement to be attracted to Sam. Sam ends up with a pitcher of American beer over his toupee (which is the only thing American beer is good for).

As for the Fonz, after his patented *snap* doesn't work he suffers a nervous breakdown at his failure. He's last seen curled up on the floor drooling and trying to light his Exxon-soaked hair on fire.

And Melissa? Well, let's just say that Diane, Mrs Cunningham, Rebecca, Joanie and Pinky expand their personal horizons with Melissa's help.

- Keith Morrison

There has already been someone who is adept at this sort of thing. Remember Kramer on Seinfeld: George's quote "I drive them to lesbianism, he brings them back." Sam & the Fonz don't have it in this department. The winner: The tall skinny guy on the sidelines with the wild hair waiting to show these guys how it's done.

- lynnmh

Both of the highly respected analists are forgetting that the only time Fonz struck out was when a famous actress was on the show, this proves that Fonz has no effect on people better known than him. Of course Happy Days is hardly on nowadays and his fame is shrinking thus his success rate is plummetting.

As for Sam Malone, I hardly watch Cheers, but I refuse to believe there is someone more successful than the Fonz, so he obvious fails too.

- Pathetic Comment

The Fonz is strutting....Sam is primping...when, suddenly something catches Melissa's eye. A passing group of nubile young female missonaries. They are everywhere. A body can't go through downtown Salt Lake without meeting at least a few young women who have made the pilgrimage to see the Temple (TM) and do 'The Lord's Work" (TM).

Before Sam and the Fonz even know whats comming, Melissa strides outside to meet and greet. "Hi, I'm Heather, and this is my companion Jodi. We're from the Church Of Latter-Day Saints. You know, the Mormons." At the word 'companion', Melissa's eyes light up, and she wisks the girls away, pretending to listen to the missionaries preach about the 'Scriptures' (TM) while trying to picture the three of them naked....

Sam and the Fonz, crushed by the spectacle, end up taking comfort in one another's arms, while Melissa, Book Of Mormon (TM) in hand, indulges in school-girl dreams....

- Slug (at home in lovely Sat Lake City, UT)

You guys are obviously overlooking some key factors about the Fonz here. His powers go way beyond "the snap". While this in itself is a power of mythical proportions, He is not limited to such a childish noise.

I refer you to the episode where Richie gets thrown in jail. In the end, who gets Richie out? The Fonz. How? By slapping the wall to open the outer cell, and stomping on the ground for the second. That's power! Despite being a member of the opposite team, Melissa will no doubt "switch sides" when she sees Arthur Fonzarelli. The guy simply has powers that no one truly understands. That power can be summed up in one word: coolness. He is simply so cool that he has abilities far and above those of mortal men.

- Mike Fine

This match really comes down to one of the most basic elements of lesbianism. Why do lesbians really prefer girls?? The answer is elementary, indeed. I give you one word: Cooties(tm). Boys have them, they always will have them, and lesbians never forget this fact. That's what makes them lesbians, after all.

Sensing the elevated Cootie(tm) level in the room, Melissa will realize that unless she acts soon, she's Got Nowhere To Go(tm). With a wide swing of her guitar, she knocks both pompadours flat as she dashes for the door with Lou Diamond Phillips' ex-wife Julie. Happily ever after and all that. End of story.

- Meredith Forbus

Once again, if you ignore the venue, you do so at your peril. Where is this grudge match occuring? Utah. And what does Utah have besides Mormons, snow, and Robert Redford? The strangest liquor laws in the U. S. of A. While Sam MIGHT want to make like a polygamist and pick up chick after chick, he is busy using his tiny clump of brain tissue to decipher the various state liquor laws. He'd like to pick up Melissa, but he's trying to remember if he can legally sell minibottles of tequila on odd-numbered days during months with the letter "r" in them. He can't remember, of course. Fonz, on the other hand, cannot use his vaunted "cool" to pick up Melissa. After all, if he is so cool, what is he doing celebrating Richie's 21st birthday in a bar in Utah of all states? Why not Wisconsin? Or Nevada? Or any state? In any case, it seems clear that the Fonz has lost his Cool(tm). Sam stays confused, Fonz becomes an alcoholic wreck, and Melissa goes home to her pregnant Life Partner.

- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold

This one is a no-brainer. Both the Fonz (tm) and Sammy (tm) are doomed to failure. The mucho macho antics of both of da boys are what led Mellisa away from men in the first place.

As the Fonz snaps his fingers, and Sammy pours more beers to try and get her drunk, Mz. Etheridge is whisked away by the secret flaming duo of Jenny Piccalo and Dr. Lilith Crane. Sam is so humiliated he signs on for a bad CBS sitcom, and the Fonz is so shaken that he vows he will not show his face again until Potsie or Ralph get a real acting job.

- JBK

Oh come on. Cheers and Happy Days are both "family" shows. It's also the 90s now. So of course both will strike out, and we will all "learn something" about tolerance.

Ratings will plummet and both shows will again be cancelled.

- Lemming

First, I'd like to be clear on one thing -- if this was anyone else, Sam would win. Cindy Crawford. Julia Child. Madonna. Margaret Thatcher. Any other woman. However, here's the catch -- for Fonz, ignorance is bliss. He couldn't imagine a chick with another chick, and this obliviousness is going to be completely disarming for Melissa. When Sam comes up, she's going to say, "Thanks, but you're not my type. You're a guy." And then Sam will chuckle, having been given the same line in times past when girls want to brush him off. Sam will then try to get her to admit the "truth." It'll be funny, sure, but it'll only annoy her more and more.

Then, when Mr. Fonzarelli makes the scene, he'll interpret her as being shy, instead. Whereas Sam took the cue to apply more pressure until she cracked, Fonz will apply the same moves he always uses on shy girls: Appear warm, thoughtful, sensitive, and make her feel comfortable. Melissa will then think that he's not such a bad guy in spite of his "initial" attempt to pick her up, and say, why not. Let's take in a movie, or go for a ride, or something. Nothing's gonna happen. Which is just what Fonz wants her to think. And after one night, the story's over. Sorry, Sam.

- Woody

Plain and simple: leather. It all comes down to leather. The Fonz wears it, Melissa wears it, but Sammie doesn't. Leather is a force of nature, a calling card for star crossed souls. The Fonz and Melissa have so much more in common: grease, jeans, the list goes on and on. I think we have at long last found the Fonz's true love.

- Hamlet

Sorry boys, but lesbians don't have sex for fun, it's a political thing. She may want one or both of the boys but she'll never succomb in a public place. She storms out and rides off.

- I know better.

I think we all know they are both going to strike out. Why you ask? Shame on you for having to ask. Sam Malone has a hairpiece. Lesbians like their women with short hair, not bald. The Fonz's first strike will be for Sam's hair. His secret will be revealed and the game will be over, Fonz will win. But once Fonz and Melissa get together, she will start making him talk about his feelings and the inner women inside him and the Fonz will realize after all these years of chasing women that he only did that to hide the fact he himself wants men. That's why the Fonz would strike out, because he would self-destruct with a woman. He only wanted them to bury his homosexual feelings from himself but those feelings would then bubble up and cause his relationships with women to fail. Thus acknowledging this fact finally to himself, the Fonz will go back to Sam and give him a passionate kiss. In the end, everyone is happy. The Fonz has Sam, Sam has someone with even better hair than himself, and Melissa and the Fonz can bond over their motorcycles and inner-womanness.

- Bubba

Sam and the Fonz approach Melissa like a pair of gunslingers in the old west. All the other bar patrons dive for cover, lest they be caught in a deadly testosterone cross fire. Melissa's steely gaze promises trouble for both men. There's a low rumble outside and suddenly the doors burst open. In rides Rebecca on a vintage Harley Davidson chopper which she once referred to as "the world's biggest vibrator" in an interview. Sam raises one finger as if he is about to speak while the Fonz begins drooling over the Hog. Melissa leaps onto the bike as Rebecca guns the throttle leaving both guys in the dust.

- paTRICK heSTER

actually, this sounds a lot like some kind of bizarre anti-three's company pilot. therefore, both must strike out and the three of them proceed to rent an apartment together (above the cunningham garage maybe?). after all, 70s television can't be wrong.

- jeff

Let's look at the background of these two characters :

Where you'll find them.
-----------------------

Sam Malone. Works behind a cellar bar in downtown Boston.
The Fonz. Works as a grease monkey, but hangs out at the local burger bar with friends.

The average age of the people in the burger bar is late teens/early 20s, clearly a much cooler age range than the mid 40s that is the average age of the patrons at Cheers. Score 1 for The Fonz.

Friends.
--------

Sam Malone. Hangs out with nobody loner losers Cliff, Norm, Woody, Frasier (was a nobody at the time. He may have a radio show now, but didn't then), Diane, Rachel, etc....
The Fonz. Hangs out with nobody highschool geeks, and his younger cousin, who would all look up to him immensely even if he wasn't The Fonz simply because he's much older than they are.

Draw.

Looks.
------

Sam Malone. Tall, athletic, rugged.
The Fonz. Classic Italian American good looks, which the chicks dig.

Draw.

Hair.
-----

Sam Malone. Perfect.
The Fonz. Perfect.

Draw.

Special Abilities.
------------------

Sam Malone. Can spot an available woman 500 meters away in the dark.
The Fonz. Can spot any woman 1000 meters away in the dark, and make her want him even if she isn't available. The Snap(TM). How Brian can dismiss it as "that snap" as if it were an ordinary persons' click of the fingers is beyond me. Not only is it the Ultimate Pulling Power(TM) in the universe, it is also capable of lowering the lights, changing tracks on the Jukebox AND clearing a room of all male forms of life faster than a bored castration surgeon carrying a rusty pair of garden shears.

Score 2 to The Fonz.

The Fonz wins. He has to. It is the only solution. Women cannot resist him. Period. Sammy (who is called Sammy by their male friends?) on the other hand crashes and burns big time.

- Adam Spragg.

Admittedly, the Fonz's greaser schtick might be a bit out-moded, but that 50's, James Dean appeal has had a commendable resurgence in the 90s. Come to think of it, anything "retro" these days is chic, especially amongst VH1 fans and performers. In short, Melissa "Artist of the Month" Etheridge will find the Fonz mystique a culturally enduring, sexually alluring and lesbian-curing experience.

- The Duke

"Sam, could you come help me?"

"Not until I am done making this margarita. So, maragarita, what are you doing later?"

You can't compete with this inherent wisdom, wit and style. The Fonz and his 50's schtick can stay there. Sam's not only been around the block, he built the damn thing. Also, Sam has certainly had some experience with lesbians in menage-a-trois situations. Sam in a landslide.

- Rico Suave

Well thank GOD that you supplied a third option this time, guys.

Anyways, the point remains that Fonz COULD have Ms Etheridge, if by some god-awful mistake of human events he was caused to WANT her. Hell, *I* don't want her, and i've been celibate against my will for the last ten years. So, while the Fonz COULD win, he most decidely does not want to, and therefore leaves Sam to try. He will fail miserably, and then begin hitting on RuPaul, realizing his horrible mistake only after it is Too Late (TM).

- John

Now, when a guy inadvertently asks out a lesbian, there's generally two responses: The first type takes it as a personal affront and makes it his mission to "convert" the wayward lass. The second type of male accepts the fact and moves on to the next chick. Let's face it, Sam Malone is the first type. One-track mind our Sammy has (and, BTW, it was Woody who used his black book, not Cliff. Cliff with Sam's black book would have resulted in the end of all Massachusetts-kind, depriving us of great Lowell-isms on Wings repeats). But I digress. The Fonz, while he does come from the heartland and the '50s, two places fairly inhospitable to those who practice "the love that dares not speak it's name," has always struck me as the tolerable, decent sort of guy who could accept a lesbian, snap his fingers and move on. Besides, if the Fonz was to attempt "The Snap" to get Melissa to do his bidding, it would be as the irresistable force meeting the immovable object, and both Fonzie and Melissa would be trapped in a time-space warp for all eternity. Now, I'm adverse to awarding draws, so I'm giving this to the Fonz. While Sam's dreaming up laughable schemes, going through Diane's old love letters for ideas to convert Melissa back to hetero-kind, The Fonz and Melissa strike up a solid friendship, learn to enjoy each other's company and promote tolerance and compassion, holding rally's at Al's/Arnold's and raising funds for PFLAG at motorcycle jumps and demolition derbies.

- Big Daddy Dave

I'm sorry, but both men will strike out miserably. While Boston may represent cool better than Wisconsin, the fact is that they're in Utah, and neither one has an established reputation in that state.

Both the Fonz and Sam, will crack under the pressure. The're putting their reputations on the line in front of their friends with a lesbian. Not only that, they have to know each other's reputation. It's all too much for the male ego.

The match will be over when Diane Chambers and Pinky Tuscadaro walk into the bar. Melissa will take one look and fall in love. While Pinky, being an adventurous biker babe may have no hesitations, Diane Chambers will take some persuading (and some tequila) before she can be talked into a threesome. Although, sometimes it's the ones who seem to be the most uptight who turn out to be the wildest....

- amanda

Oh Steve, I see you're relying on inacurate facts as you often do. Cliff's experience with the cleaning lady was not the only time Sam Malone's little black book was put to the test. I'm sure you will recall the classic episode in which a medling 12 year old swiped Sam's pride and joy. The twerp then called up random names in the book and set dates with the eager ladies. No less than three gorgeous bombshells stormed into Cheers demanding an explanation as to why Sam had stood them up.

The telephone rang. They heard the name Sam Malone. They jumped at the chance to spend the evening with him knowing a busy man like Mr. Malone may not be calling again any time soon. Any man with this type of power over women could easily beat out the Fonz for the hand of Melissa Etheridge.

- Mike S.

Obviously, neither of these guys will win her caterwalling heart. Sam will definitely come closer. He brings Mellisa back to the office when Carla walks in. You can almost hear the "romantic" squeals of Kenny G playing as Mellisa looks down on the brunette mother of the 6 Tortelli children. Sam's strategy falls apart when Mellisa notes that Carla is waist high. Her thoughts of Sam sway elsewhere. I will now end my commentery, but you can catch the rest of it in next months Penthouse Forum.

- Stephen Hawkins "King of four wheelin'"

Given the current generally-supportive atmosphere for gays and lesbians amoung their fellow actors and musicians, Melissa will be stunned into silence by the stone age approaches both Sam and the Fonz take. This continues for some time, leaving both men thinking they're ready to score, Cliff telling Norm of the time he converted a lesbian, Woody and Potsie wondering if they were long lost cousins, Ralph and Richie shocked that such people even exist in the first place (no, not Potsie and Woody), and Frazier commenting to no one in particular about the Freudian interpretations on why people identify themselves as homosexual.

... and then, Lilith and Joni converge on the scene simultaneous, having shared a mutual vision of Melissa surrounded by a golden light as she first came through the door. Each grabs a bottle from behind the bar, knocking their repsective fellow cast members cold. Melissa wakes as if from a dream, perhaps a nightmare, and the three women exit arm in arm in arm, just as Carla drops a quarter in the juke box and punches up "Yes I Am" ....

- pearl diver

I really am surprised at you two, to think that Melissa (or any woman, for that matter, much less a lesbian who probably knows a low-life when she sees one) would sit down and take this.

A *much* more likely scenario is that she sees these two swaggering towards her, guesses their intentions, and realizes that if they continue on their current paths, and she ducks, they'd probably knock their heads against each other and collapse on the floor, out cold. She'd quickly dismiss this as no fun at all and try something like this:

Melissa (sidling up to the Fonz): Hey, you know what that old guy over there said about you? He said you were a middle-aged man pathetically trying to pretend to be a teenager, that your hair looked more fake than his, and that _Macgyver_ was totally unrealistic.
Fonz (angrily): Why that old geezer...! (starts heading towards Sam menacingly.)
Melissa: Wait! (hands Fonz a button that says "Gary's Old Towne Tavern: the ONLY place to drink") Take this. It's my good luck charm.
Fonz: Thanks, babe. (He puts it on and continues his advance.)

Now Melissa would run up to Sam breathlessly.

Melissa: Oh, please, save me from that guy! I tried to tell him to get lost, but he said he was more of a man than you, that your ERA stank, and that you looked pretty in blackface!
Sam: That damn punk! (sees the button) All right, he's had it!

And while Sam vs. the Fonz, the seduction Grudge Match turns into Sam vs. the Fonz, the Good Old-Fashioned Fist Fight Grudge Match (tm), Melissa finishes her drink in peace, and steps over the bruised and battered bodies of her would-be suitors. And still they get off easily... It's always better than being locked in a cell with a hallucinating, machine-gun toting Juliette Lewis...

- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa

There's just one thing that's gonna get this frosty lesbian intrested in one of these guys! Say it with me folks... "Threesome".

Deep down, you always knew that the Fonz had a heart of gold, and a morality system based in the 1950's. A threesome is the farthest thing from his mind. His ego is far too delicate to stand idley by and watch his "date" smooch his other date.

Sammy on the other hand is known to be shameless, he'll do anything and everything it takes to bed this beauty. He has set the precedent! Recall his contest with the frenchman Henry. Sam lost that contest, did he give up? NO! What did he do? He left the bar with three, yes three, young ladies for a night of fun and frolic.

She's not intrested in either of these guys alone, they have too many penises and far too few vaginas. She's gonna go with the guy that can deliver the goods. And we all know who that is. Good old Mayday Malone will be buried under a pile of lesbian love, wondering "who's hand is that?"

- Critical Bill

First off, congratulations on a great matchup! Sam Malone and the Fonz are truly the two greatest womanizers of all time. However, the object of their contest, Melissa Etheridge, leaves something to be desired. Your premise assumes that they would be attracted to her. But the moment they see her walking into the bar with Ellen DeGeneres nibbling on her ear, they would find something better to do. The Fonz would snap his fingers and immediately walk out with three heterosexual beauties on his arm. Meanwhile, Sam and Carla would begin contriving a scheme to convince Cliff that Melissa has a thing for him. In any case, this contest is a bit insulting to both Sammy and the Fonz -- akin to suggesting that Michelle Pfeiffer would be attracted to RuPaul.

- SuuuperDave

You must both be crazy! This here woman is a fine example of white-trash that escaped the lowly depths of trailer parks and traveling circuses, and found safety in BIG money and even BIGGER women. Like either of these saps, Fonz and Sam, are gonna sway her from the security she's found with gruff, leather-clad biker chicks. She's found her niche and she's there to stay. Sam will be lucky if Dykes on Bikes don't ride right through the door and slap his pretty-boy ass all the way to Melville's! Nope, Melissa will deny them both.

- The Jayman

Well, the Fonz is out right away. You're forgetting that he's from the 1950's, and once Ms. Etheridge politely explains to Fonzie that a lesbian is NOT "one of those cool actress chicks," he'll be headed for the door with a very uncool expression on his face.

Sam would perhaps have a chance except for two things: 1. Melissa has both a Significant Other (tm) and a Child (tm). Even if she were tempted so switch teams for a night, I doubt she would succumb with so much at stake. 2. If you've listened to Melissa's music, you would know she has quite a bit of Rage (tm), quite a bit of it apparently directed at Jerky Guys (tm) who mistreat Needy Women (tm). Not only will Sam Malone walk away with two balls kicked up into his strike zone, Melissa Etheridge will probably write a number-one selling single about it.

- Jeff

According to an esteemed source, Melissa Etheridge said the only man she would consider a romantic encounter with is Bruce Springsteen. Sam Malone would know this and is horny enough to try anything. He shows dressed up like the Boss (tm). After a lip sync serenade of "Jersey Girl", she accepts his offer for a passionate weekend in Provincetown, Cape Cod, for karaoke, Rocky Horror and gay beaches. Anyway, if all else fails, Sam is a bartender and could always mix up a batch of Funky Cold Medina (tm, Tone Loc).

- Paul Golba with James, Anne & Mary

Melissa walks in, checks out the scene. Sam and the Fonz walk up to her, but she's not interested: she's fallen in love. She has to be a lesbian, thinks Melissa. She orders a beer, takes a tentative sip, and sidles up to her love. I love a dyke in uniform, she murmurs to herself.

Sam and the Fonz hang back, stunned. "She's gotta be, you know, one of those Sapphic chicks," says the Fonz. "But then why is she coming on to Cliff?" asks Sam.

Melissa introduces herself, and Cliff introduces himself. Cliff? Isn't that a man's name? she wonders. But look at her! That isn't a man's body - except for the mustache. Perhaps this "Cliff" transcends my narrow notions of sexuality!

By now, Cliff has explained to Melissa the etymology of her name: "you see, it's Aramaic for 'eggplant'," and he's changed topics two or three times, oblivious to the look of confusion on her face. She cuts his babble short: "Cliff, let's go home and consummate our love for one another. Right now."

Cliff is too stunned to say no. Melissa dumps her previous "longtime companion" and moves in with Cliff. She takes to tape-recording Cliff's confused monologues and setting them to music. Her popularity plummets and she dies penniless. Sam and the Fonz read her obituary in the papers, and reminisce about the one who got away.

- anonymous

First off, let me kiss ass by saying you have a wonderful site here. Now let's get to the meat of the matter:

In a nutshell, the victor is clearly the Fonz. Let's go back to his chilhood, growing up as young "Arthur" "Fonzarelli". Now if that isn't a "Give me your lunch money or I'll kick your ass, Arthur" tip off, I don't know what is. The Fonz grew up with tough challenges, surpassing his nerdy name to become the epitome of cool, even in today's standards...The Fonz. Sam Malone prolly had chicks all his life...which makes him spoiled and soft.

With respect to the MAcGuyver nod, while Sam is still working on what his line will be, Fonzie will have pulled out a gum wrapper and created an electric guitar, with self powered amp, to serenade the impressed Melissa with...and probably saved the world from nuclear holocaust in the process.

And as a last note, Rebecca left Sam's arms to end up sleeping with Frazier (who has a tendency to get caught with underage girls). What does that tell us about his lovemaking skills?

- National

As this particular grudge match is set in Sitcom-Reality(tm), I refer you to Seinfeld, re: The Jerry-Elaine conversation on homosexuality; specifically, trying to make one such individual 'switch teams.' This metaphor will be the undoing of both our contestants. Upon hearing this statement, Sam, being an ex-ball player (and so very dense), will comment 'What, she's not a Red Sox fan?' and spend the better part of the evening explaining to the lovely Melissa the benefits of baseball in general and the Sox in particular.

The Fonz will also be struck down by the Seinfeldian statement. Being from the 50's, the concept of women being attracted to other women will be alien to him and as such, will sit in his 'office' contemplating 'chicks digging chicks.' However, not sharing Sam's lack of intelligence, he will resolve himself to winning Melissa back 'for the guys.'

The Fonz would eventually go on to win, EXCEPT for the prescence of a third sitcom-individual who has noticed Melissa. This recent Time Magazine covergirl will sweep Melissa off her feet and thus hand both Sam and the Fonz a crushing defeat. So, I put this to you: Why wasn't Ellen on the ballot?

- Blimpy the Lactose Intolerant Cat

A hip, 90's kind of lesbian like Melisaa Etheridge will clearly not be impressed by the campy, dated charm of the Fonz. Nor will she even give a thought to Sam Malone, an icon of the 80's; the "Me" decade, the deacde of Max Headroom, Cherry Coke, and Pac-Man (shudder).

What's left? Nowadays, there seems to be some sort of 70's revival going on. Is there a babe-hound from the 70's that could take a shot and landing music's most (least?) eligible lesbian? Is Huggy-Bear around to give it a shot? Will John Travolta get a chance to work his charms?

I see Melissa taking one look at her options, and quietly reaffirming her faith in lesbianism.

- Dave "1/2" Nelson

The minute each of them found out about Melissa Etheridge's sexual preference, both Sam and Fonzie would slink back into their respective corners. Sam, macho athlete that he is, might be the more persistent in trying to heterosexualize Melissa, but even he would give up (although he wouldn't give up easy). Plus, being a man of the 80's, he would find the lesbianism intriguing and probably ask Melissa if he could watch -- or join in with -- her and her SO, at which point Melissa would bash a guitar upside Sam's head.

Fonzie, however, is a man of the 50's, and lesbians were, for the most part, unheard of. He would immediately -- and very cooly -- withdraw after finding out (with an emphatic "Whoa!!"), return to the corner, and have to explain it to Richie, Ralph (who would probably go over and try himself, only to get bashed with another guitar), and Potsie (who would sit there with a blank look on his face (yes, even more blank than usual) and end up driving everyone home because he would be the only sober one).

- Matthew Davis

Both strike out miserably.

k.d. lang made the cover of Vanity Fair (™) getting a shave by Cindy Crawford. How can Melissa settle for anything less?

- Alan Arvesen

The Fonz? C'mon, guys... have you seen "Scream" or not? The Fonz is a washed up high school principal now. Sam? He is a beat writer for a newspaper... not to mention bald.

Melissa's wife, on the other hand, is HOT. She also is the mother of Melissa's adopted child. Not to mention that she left Lou Diamond Philips (better catch than either the Fonz or Sam), for Melissa.

In short Melissa wouldn't take either of 'em.

Now, that said, I would like to mention to any angry lesbians out there that I have nothing to do with the writing of these sexist, piggy scenarios...

...please don't stop making movies.

- Howard Stern (aka Chuck Donovan, Virginia)

As Melissa has said that Brad Pitt is the ONLY man who could make her go straight, and neither Sam or the Fonz are in his class, then BOTH will massively strike out, and Melissa goes home to her wife

- SRTIIIKKKKE THREE!!!

While neither one of them would score (that's what "lesbian" means), a winner can still be determined. Sam goes up with the ex-jock swagger. He is firmly, but politely, turned down. He will utter the fatal words, "What are you, some kind of lesbian?" Before Melissa can say "What are you, the alternative?" the situation will be defused with a casual "Eyyyyyyy." Sam wanders off in a huff. The Fonz gives Ms. Etheridge some of the famous charm. The next thing you know, they're drinking beers, Melissa's showing him baby pictures, and it's the start of a beautiful friendship (tm). Technical victory for Arthur Fonzarelli.

- Shallow Blue

Sam glides to the bar, checking once over his shoulder for the thumbs up from Cliff and Norm. " So, how do YOU like your eggs in the morning?" Sam says to her. "Unfertilized, asshole. Now beat it!" Melissa responds adding the little flip of the hair an d belting down her shot of Curevo 1800 (for medicinal purposes). Sam, ever accustomed to being rejected, says "Hey, we're both here for the same reason..." but Melissa is ready for him, "Yeah, lets pick up some chicks and go for a ride on my motorcy...c le!" (Motorcy...cle, like in Arlo Guthrie's Motorcycle Song and yes, gentlemen. She rides.)

At the sound of "motorcy...cle", The Fonz shuffles onto the scene. "Aaaaayyy! Did I hear you have a motorcycle? (Snap! (tm) ) Why don't we ride up to Look Out Point and (nudge-nudge) watch the submarine races?"

"I don't think...Hey, you're that guy from TV! I used to watch you when I was a kid! What was that show? Potzies? The Cuninghams? You're the guy who went from the cool, 50's James Dean (tm) type to the panzy, sensitive modern man of the late seventies! Aren't you gay? This guy's looking for a date. Mr. Fonz, this is..." as she turns to Sam "...this is...I'm sorry, whats your name?

"Sam. Sam Malone. I pitched for the Sox and now I have a bar back in Boston called...."

"That's just great, Sam" she cuts in. "Fonz, this is Sam. He has a bar in, where did you say? Boston? Anyway, you boys, and my wife and I will all go to this...Look Out Point. I just HAVE to see how they are going to race submarines... in the desert !

- Kurt.

Melissa will go home with Carla before either the Fonz or Sammy. The Fonz is a man of the 50's, no fifties woman can resist him. So if Annette Funacello swings by for a drink, the Fonz will probably get lucky. Sam, Sam the wig wearin' man (R) is definately a man of the 80's. He drove a Corvette (TM), not a Viper(TM), so if Ivana Trump rolls in to try to buy the bar, he will probably be gettin' some wealthy strange. The clincher is that Melissa is a woman of the 90's. She is brass, confident and decidedly lesbian. Lesbianism is 90's chic, and there are decade level forces acting here.

No Question, both the Fonz and Sammy go down in flames. My guess is Melissa takes home Carla, Rebecca, and Diane for some crazy love and men bashing.

- RevKurt

Let's look at track records here. Sammy has bagged dozens of hot little snow bunnies and sexy stewardesses, this is fact. But, this is Melissa Etheridge. She's not exactly plastered on the covers of Cosmo and Elle. Sammy would not be attracted enough to whip out his best moves. Fonzie has bagged some beauties as well, but his best known babe was Pinky. She was nice, but compared to Sammy's women, she much more resembles Melissa. Plus, if I'm not mistaken, Pinky was partial to motorcycles, cars, leather, and garages. Sounding a little lesbo to you? Yeah, me too.

- Master Yoda

No way. Melissa and her Significant Other just had a baby. Melissa is preoccupied. Although she has her lover's assurances, she is STILL not convinced that she is the father....

- Cheese suit wearer.

Personally, I give it to Martina Navratilova.

- George DeMet

Assuming she needs a little company (if you know what I'm saying and I think you do) she will aim for the most feminine person available.

My guess is Ralph finally gets a little action. Heck, to look at him I'm not even sure he really isn't a girl. Kind of one of those cheesey "dress like a guy to get treated with respect" made for TV movie kind of plots. Besides, he is so annoying, when she is done with him (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more) he will be easy to dump to the wayside and will only confirm in her mind that she is better off chasing chicks. Sam and Fonz are both reputed to be so good at what they do she might be left to question her orientation. Let's face it, if she goes straight her music career is trashed. Angry sounding women singers are much more interesting when they are of an alternative lifestyle persuasion.

- Gary

Melissa is a lesbian. So obviously she must be a raging liberal. Most likely she is a strong supporter of animal rights and will find the Fonz's ever present leather jacket offensive. The Fonz and his whole gang of boot licks will come away covered with some shade of pink paint. While Sam in his spiffy cotton dockers sweeps the woman off his feet with some liberal chatter that he no doubt stole from Diane.

Unless of course Steve was crazy enough to be talking about the early pre-leather Fonz which nobody thought was cool.

- Bill

As a long time resident of Massachusetts, I have to vote for Sammy winning this match-up. First of all, he was a former athlete, and that means that he has some athletic abilities. Women, even the lesbians, have to respect that. The Fonz on the other hand doesn't belong to any organized sports. In fact the only exertion he ever engaged in was doing about five push-ups at the draft board. Sam is more mature. He's a recovering alcoholic with a shattered love live. The Fonz is a teenager with a lot of growing up to do. While both obviously have their appeal, is a women of Ms. Etheridge's sophistication going to want to date Jr. or his father. don't forget, oh never mind, I can't think of anything funny.

- I should be writing my history paper instead of this.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Homer v. Norm
Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Andy Taylor v. The Cunninghams