It is late, and Doc's Candy Store has been closed for several hours. The shelves and racks are quiet and still. A lone figure wanders among the chocolates, calling out "Green... Green!"

A female figure appears. "Shh!" Green warns her visitor, "You'll wake my parents."

Tiny Goodbite approaches, but Green appears weary. "What's the matter?" Tiny asks. "It's my brother," Green replies. "Red does not approve of you. We are from different worlds." Staring deep into Green's eyes, Tiny says "I don't see a difference. All I see is a beautiful candy inside." Green swoons and the lovers close in for a kiss.

Just before their lips meet, Tiny is quickly pulled away by a furious Red. "I told you not to touch my sister," Red yells at Tiny. "It looks like we'll have to teach you some respect," Red threatens; his M&M cohorts backing up their leader.

"Not so fast," Ben Indasun warns as his gang emerges from the shadows. "This here candy rack is our turf," Indasun states, "Besides, I though we was gonna rumble by the soda fountain." Red releases Tiny who rejoins the California Raisins. "I didn't forget the war council," Red says. "Why don't we settle the score now?"

"Well," Indasun replies, "Officer Crumbcake isn't around, so let's get it on..."

So Joe, pick your favorite for supremacy in the slugfest of sweets and control of Doc's Candy Store.

JOE: Do you remember all of those people that told you "Love Conquers All"? Well, they're full of crap. The love Tiny and Green have for each other isn't going to save him. It isn't going to give him superhuman (errr... superraisin) strength or the will to fight long after any normal raisin would. Red and Co. have a much greater motivation for whooping some Raisin butt. They have to protect Red's sister from a group of horny grapes who are only interested in one thing. I've been on both sides of this little brawl in my life, and let me tell you, being on the older brother side is much better than being on the ... well... lets just call it the "Piece of Ass" side.

Red's gotten a lot of practice at this sort of thing, too. Have you seen M&M commercials lately? They are all centered around a guy, a girl or a group of people trying to get a piece of Green. Even ignoring their supermodel girlfriends to get a piece of Green. Red and his faithful sidekick Yellow have had to beat up every one of those rabid lechers ... and they are full grown human beings! Kicking some raisin keister will be little more than a warm-up for our little candy coated friends.

Lastly, The M&M's are young and healthy, whereas the California Raisins are old and decrepit. When you really look at it, the California Raisins are a bunch of dried up singing, dancing fruits and the M&M's are rough and tumble tough guys. They can give a lot and they can take a lot, too. Anything those old, tired raisins can dish out is going to glance harmlessly off of the M&M's shell. While Tiny and his friends are ineffectively punching away at the M&M defenses, Red, Yellow and the rest of the colored crusaders are going to be working the Raisins' soft gut. I'd hate to be the janitor in Doc's Candy Store because wiping melted raisin goo off the floor is a pain in the butt.

HOTBRANCH: <FunkyMotown>I heard it through the grapevine. Not much longer would Red be live. Oh yeah, I heard it through the grapevine. Yep, the M&Ms are gonna die...</FunkyMotown>

As ugly as that improvised karaoke was, it's still not as ugly as the candy-ass kicking that the M&Ms are about to suffer. I'd make a joke about Red's backup krewe being yellow-bellied, but that's too easy. Instead, we'll look at Grudge Precedent™: contestants with tough outer shells win about as often as the "Pay Rod"-laden Texas Rangers, my friend. Just look at what happened to the unfortunate Mister Peanut.

Here's some more disheartening news for you, Joe: Red is psycho. He was taken away in 1976 because Mars corporation couldn't handle him anymore. He spent 11 years in an insane-candy asylum, before being released, and now he's showing signs that he's snapped yet again. How else can you explain the fact that the Crispy M&M lives in fear of his life? Red is obviously a cannibal, eating members of his own gang. Lock the little bastard back up and let Green make her own decisions about who she loves.

Finally, the Raisins hail from the mean streets of Detroit, which means they know how to fight dirty. Not that Tiny and his pals really need to call on their street fighting skills. The early stages of the fight is really the end for the M&Ms: street fights always begin with some ritualistic pushing and shoving. Given the M&Ms' high center of gravity, a simple shove lands the M&Ms on their asses. During my lab simulations of this match, the M&Ms always ended up cracking their fragile shells when dropped onto the floor (the raisins, however, remained intact; dusty, but intact). Say goodbye to your vaunted defense mechanism, Joe.

M&Ms, they bleed in your mouth, not in your hands.

JOE: Wait a minute... did you say Detroit? Jeez, I didn't see that one coming. Please explain to me how the California Raisins could be from Detroit? (Unless, of course, that's a "Beverly Hills Cop" reference that I'm completely missing ).

Well, hey, whatever, it's not like the raisin's location is going to save them from this one. Did I mention Red is a raving psychopath? No... you did. And do you think that makes him less dangerous... or more dangerous? Well, let's check the Grudge Match Precedent:

1. The Tasmanian Devil
2. Daffy Duck
3. Brian

On second thought, maybe I shouldn't go there...

The really scary part here is that Red is actually one of the more placid M&M's. Including all the holiday and special colors, there's like 26 of them... and Red was the one that got the nod to do the TV commercials. It's not like it's because he's good looking, either. The others were just too violent to be good spokescandies. Wait until they let Dark Brown or Violet out of their respective cages. We'll have ourselves a real slaughter on our (non-chocolately) hands.

Anyone who has been to M&M World on the Las Vegas Strip (Really... you've never been? It's delightful) and seen the 3-D M&M Movie, "I Lost My 'M' in Vegas" knows darn well that Yellow is just as brave as Indiana Jones and sexy, too. He managed to seduce a lost sock. That's right, a sock! It's not even organic, much less of the same species. When you think about it, that's like a Snicker's Bar seducing Bill Gates' corpse. Frankly, I don't see how Green can resist him. I'll bet she's just shacking up with Tiny to make him jealous.

And the last thing you want, HB!, is an M&M chock full of jealous rage.

HOTBRANCH: What an interesting bit of intellectual vomitus... Quick! Hide the women and children. Hand in your men's club membership card and run like a girl. The pastel M&Ms are coming! Please, Mauve M&M, don't hurt me. Your friends, Teal and Fuchsia, are scaring me. The M&Ms are about as frightening as a glass of distilled water.

Where M&Ms World is concerned, let's just say that it's my private Ironic Punishments Department of Hell Labs™. Compare that to the way a single bowl of raisin bran confines me to the bathroom for the entire day, and we know which combatant has the real power.

Red only got the spokescandy gig because he's an egomaniacal bully. He either beats his cohorts into submission or eats them. The oppressed M&Ms will be more than happy to help the Raisins beat Red into a chocolaty pulp. The Raisins can even take the M&Ms straight up because everyone knows that the M&M's youth and exuberance are no match for the Raisin's age and experience.

Finally, the Raisins' singing and dancing skills you mocked earlier are the ace up their claymation sleeve. If memory serves me right, the rough and tumble gangs featured in West Side Story and Michael Jackson's Bad video are expert dancers and singers. You might mock the value of being a lithe and acrobatic dancer, but Daniel-san eventually realized that Mister Miyagi was onto something when he had that lazy teenager waxing his car and painting his fence. Too bad for the M&Ms that they'll only discover that fact as the light is fading from their lives.

The Results

M&Ms (2405 - 73.8%)

squish

California Raisins (855 - 26.2%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

The scenario makes no secret of the fact that this is an updated version of the classic Romeo & Juliet story: the struggle against intolerance and hatred so great that even love cannot conquer it. More accurately, this is an update of the West Side Story version of R&J, meaning that the specific form of intolerance is racism.

The M&Ms and the Raisins are clearly very different, and it is easy to see how such bigotry could have developed. And just as Klansman do not take kindly to blacks that date white women, the M&Ms are taking exception to this "shriv" muscling in on one of their ladies, and a relative no less. (NOTE: my apologies to anyone offended by my use of a racial slur in the previous sentence, but I see no need to candy-coat this ugly situation. True, maybe a "hard-hitting" news source like CNN would tell you about the "s word", but how does that speak of the reality that these candies live in? Anyone who's seen Blazing Saddles on TNT knows how damaging the censorship of racial slurs can be.)

There is one apparently major flaw in this situation, however. Racism is all about hating those that look different than you. So the M&Ms hate the Raisins... but are we then supposed to believe that these small minded small candies have somehow accepted the spectrum of colors in their own midst? The deaths in West Side Story resulted from one side being slightly more tan than the other; one can only imagine what might happen when a group that is pre-disposed to racism consists of it's own "rainbow coalition".

Indeed, racism within the M&M gang is very apparent. Remember a few years ago when blue was introduced, and the light brown quietly went away? What some might call a "savvy 90s marketing move", the United Nations Council on War Crimes calls "ethnic cleansing". And whatever happened to Purple? He's buried deep in the rack with light brown in some kind of concenfection camp, along with other forgotten candies such as Bit O Honey, Good'N'Plenty and Charleston Chew. And don't get me started on the whole ugliness that is Original vs. Peanut vs. Peanut Butter vs. Crispy.

Yet the M&Ms will win this battle. "How?" you may ask, with all of this internal destructiveness. Simple: because hatred for a common enemy can solidify even the most divisive of unions. Examples include 1.) the U.S. during WWII, when racism, sexism, and classism were overlooked during the war with the Axis, only to rear their ugly heads in the following decades of peace and less popular wars; and 2.) that time in college when one of my three roommates wouldn't ever clean his dishes.

So the stronger, harder, and more popular M&Ms win this battle. But unless they can quickly pick a fight with some Milk Duds or Snowcaps or somebody, their hatred will only grow until they turn it upon themselves. For the sake of their race (and my snack time), I hope they can fend off such problems, for it shall be a long stuggle. Hatred as inbred as this can only disappear with the death of the existing candies, and the birth of ever increasingly enlightened progeny. Such a process will take generations.

Unfortunately, my prediction is that the individual colors of M&Ms will form alliances with their corresponding colors in the Skittles, Runts, and Ju-Ju Bees gangs, resulting in a color-based holy war that consumes the entirety of Doc's Candy Store, as well as the Spencer's Gifts on one side and a good portion of the Baby Gap on the other side.

- Shaggy

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

[Excerpt from VH1's BEHIND THE MUSIC: The California Raisins]

In 1988, the California Raisins were on top of the charts, and on top of the world. Their album "Meet the Raisins" had gone triple platinum, and their brand of soul-based pop had topped the charts for a total of 16 weeks. To them, it seemed like the good times would never end.

Justin X-Grape: We partied like there was no tomorrow, every single day. Our parties, they were legendary. [Montage of various photos taken at the Raisins' wild parties] Girls, drugs, we did everything, and we never considered the consequences. I'm serious, we thought we were untouchable.

But the Raisins were about to find out exactly how vulnerable they actually were. [Photo of Tiny Goodbite with his arm around Green] In April of that year, Tiny Goodbite started a relationship with a woman named Green. Green was the sister of Red, the leader of a violent street gang called the M&M's, and Red did not approve of his sister's relationship with Tiny in the least.

Ben Indasun: Red made no secret about it, he hated Tiny and he hated us. Don't ask me why.

Sax Player: Lord knows Tiny and Green tried to keep it low-profile for a while, because of Red, but it didn't work. See, one day, Red came up and attacked Tiny out of nowhere over at Doc's Candy Store. I don't think he knew we were there. We figured, hey, we're not gonna let our guy get beat up like that, so we jumped in the fight with Red and his gang.

This would prove to be a grave mistake for the Raisins, as they were unarmed and outnumbered by the M&M's.

Justin: They kicked our asses.
Ben: We were demolished.
Sax Player: That was probably the most injuries I had ever had in my life.
Ben: We had no chance from the start.
Justin: I was in the hospital for three weeks after that.
Sax Player: My right knee still hurts, occasionally, from that fight.

[Photo montage of the various Raisins, beaten and bruised after the fight]

Two days after the fight, Green broke up with Tiny. Spiralling into a deep depression, Tiny started hitting the drugs hard. On September 11, 1988, Tiny died of a heroin overdose in a hotel room.

Coming up: The California Raisins struggle to rebuild after Tiny's death...

Ben: For the longest time, we felt we couldn't go on without Tiny. He was the heart and soul of the band.

...next, on Behind the Music.

- Infraggable Krunk

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Let us look at the primary Grudge Factors™

Rage™: M&Ms™ are eternally chased after to be eaten in their ads.
M&Ms 1, California Raisins™ 0

Mentos' Level Coolness™: Raisins wear shades and play jazz instruments.
M&Ms 1, Raisins 1

Babe Factor™: Hot chicks in ads? Tie.
M&Ms 2, Raisins 2

Eye of the Tiger™: Raisins hide their eyes behind their glasses. Therefore, they must not possess the Eye of the Tiger.
M&Ms 3, Raisins 2

Since this is Grudge Mat¢h Goe$ ¢ommer¢ia£, let's look at commercial success and durability. I haven't seen a California Raisins ad in years, but I saw an M&M's ad last week.
M&Ms 4, Raisins 2

Stephen Baldwin was in it.
M&Ms 2, Raisins 2

A piece of chocolate candy fooled him.
M&Ms 3, Raisins 2

Variety: This is the spice of life. M&Ms come in 'milk chocolate', peanut, peanut butter, almond, and crispy. Raisins come in 'used to be purple grapes', 'used to be green grapes', 'seeds', and 'no seeds.'
M&Ms 4, Raisins 2

If I was on a deserted island and the grapes were poisonous, I could dehydrate them and eat them anyway, like Robinson Crusoe©. If the M&Ms were poisonous I'd be S.O.L.
M&Ms 4, Raisins 3

Raisins are distant relatives of wine. M&Ms are distant relatives of milk. As wine gets older, it gets better. As milk gets older, it curdles.
M&Ms 4, Raisins 4

TIEBREAKER: When I was in high school I had a longstanding crush on someone. Vicki had a boyfriend, and he wasn't me. For some fundraiser or another, people sold M&Ms and Vicki always said her favorites were the green M&Ms. She never explained why, but I would always sort out my green M&Ms and give them to her. Vicki would sometimes look at me a little oddly, but always take them and thank me. If some of our other friends were around, they might look at me and giggle girlishly. Toward the end of the year her friend Rachel invited me to a surprise party for Vicki. For a gift, I bought a little plastic hollow bunny statue (it was around Easter). I then bought about 4 one-pound bags of M&Ms, and poured them all out on a table, and picked out all the green ones. I put the green M&Ms in the statue, wrapped it up, and gave it to Vicki as the gift. When she opened the gift she looked sort of shocked. Her boyfriend glared at me, though I had no idea why. Later that night someone in the party asked me if I had ever heard that green M&Ms are supposed to be an aphrodisiac. I had never heard such a thing, but finally I understood why the girl of my affections always looked at me oddly when I gave her green M&Ms. I always thought I had carefully hidden my feelings for my friend; so now I paranoically figured that she must have known about my crush all along, because of the "hidden message" I didn't realize I was sending her. I was internally mortified, although noone else seemed to notice. Raisins, on the other hand, have never embarrassed me, even subconsciously.
M&Ms 4, Raisins 5

In a close match, the healthier snack wins.

- Obscured Underlord, desperately hoping he's not such a geek anymore.

I give this match to the M&M's for one reason:M&M Minis.
Have you seen what those things can do in the commercials? They work together as a giant shape-shifting mass of chocolate and candy capable of operating heavy machinery (I believe they used a dump truck). They've outsmarted the bigger M&M's plenty of times. Red takes one of the little Mini M&M capsules, throws it grenade style into the group of raisins, and ducks for cover as they get torn apart by hundreds of hyperactive little candies.

- The Kleptomaniac

Team M&M:

Red: Typical high school prep. Thinks he's better than everyone else. Will get his ass kicked for trying to take on the raisins himself.

Yellow (peanut): Big, dumb and ugly. Has had bites taken out of his head, so he's probably got brain damage. He won't be much help.

Green: Completely full of herself. I hate girls like that, since my school is full of them. Won't want to dirty her nails.

Blue: Too cool for the rest. Probably won't show up, since he's got more important things to do.

Orange (crispy): Paranoid. Will be in hiding the whole time.

Minis: Hyperactive, can fly, and incredibly annoying. Probably the only saving grace Team M&M has.

Team California

The whole team is idnetical in attitude, and they work as a team.

They're singing style vastly resembles that of the Temptations, one of the coolest bands in the world. They're also friends with the Peach Boys and the Grapefruit Dead. Good for reinforcements. They survived the toughest of times, even having to play concerts on street corners oin the snow (with no sweaters!) Thye know hardship, and they are going to kick ass.

BTW I didn't make any of that up!. I saw it on Television. TV, is there anything it can't do?

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

Green: I'm sorry Tiny.. but... I just can't love you anymore!
Tiny: What's the matter baby?

Green: Well... It's you.. You have so much competition! - what, with all the celebrities just wanting to get a piece of me... And well... You're just no good out of the wrapper... you're just so... shriveled... I think there's a reason that you're name is.. 'Tiny'....

Tiny: So you're just leaving me?
Green: There's someone else... Yellow...
Tiny: WHAT?! Yellow, that Numbskull?!

Green: Well.. look at it from my view... He's hard and full of creamy goodness... And .. well there is a reason they labeled him 'Nuts'... So it's over!

(Yellow pulls up in a Matchbox convertible...)

Yellow: Ready baby?
Green: Let's go!
Tiny (Yelling off in the distance): But what about my little blue friend?!

(sighs and sits down with Blue, one of the M&M mini's...)

Tiny: Well Blue... I guess it's really over this time...

Blue: Well actually.. I have a blind date with a tic tac.. Literally, she's blind.. Not as bad as my last date though, she was colorblind and was always calling me by my brother's name... See you later!

(leaves Tiny all alone to play a slow sad song on the harmonica... Somewhere out there.. there had to be someone who would love him for who he was... And then... SHE entered the store....)

Monica Lewinsky (to the cashier): I need something black soft and chewy...

- Peter Tutham

[Tune: "I Feel Pretty"]

RAISINS:
We feel pity,
Oh, such pity,
Though they're witty, we pity the fools;
In this city
We're the snacks who get to set the rules.
We love killing,
It's so thrilling,
And we're willing to do it once more.
Chocolate filling
Will be spilling on the store's clean floor.
Raisins made of clay are invincible;
Flatten us and still we'll survive.
They can throw a punch,
They can throw a rock,
They can throw a fit,
We will stay alive.
Then we'll rush 'em
And attack 'em,
When we crush 'em and crack 'em, they'll cry.
But we swear
We'll feel pity after they die!

[Tune: "Cool"]

M&Ms
M's, M's, M-and-M's,
Don't melt, boys!
Cut out glancing at their dancing;
Give them a welt, boys!
Wrinkled fruits
In cute black boots
Will soon have to pay,
One by one,
For what they've done
To the memory of Marvin Gaye.
Let's all please recall
The plan, boys!
Quash them, quell them, then we'll sell them
For Raisin Bran, boys!
Let's not wait
To give them a great big belt, boys,
Then who will melt, boys?
They'll melt!
Yeah!

[The ensuing battle wipes out both camps and leaves only a grieving Green, along with the child she had with Tiny: Rusty the Raisinette. Curtain, Exit Music. Doncha love musicals?]

- Captain Corcoran - Consider yourselves lucky I didn't do a "Gee Officer Krupke" parody

They didn't grow up on the streets of Compton or South Central like they tell everyone they did, they led a pampered childhood on the vineyards of Southern California before fame, fortune and a lucrative merchandising deal lured them to LA, where their meteoric rise to fame was swiftly followed by a rapid tailspin into failure. After losing their gig with Sun-Maid they managed to get work as the Two Scoops of Raisins in a series of Kellogg's Raisin Bran commercials, but after being in the Hollywood spotlight, playing second fiddle to an animated Sun sent them spiraling into depression and alcohol abuse.

Coincidentally, the Raisins are living in Detroit these days, a city so bad that some Asian Crime Lords are said to send their victims there as a particularly cruel form of torture, (See "The Kentucky Fried Movie" (1977) for reference.) but only because they sought somewhere far from California to escape the shame, the disgrace, and the paparazzi who were constantly following them around during their late-night drinking binges taking pictures that would show up on the front pages of sleazy low-rent tabloids that couldn't afford photos of real celebrities under supposedly clever headlines like "Raisin' Hell," and "Rum Raisin."

A marriage between Tiny and Green would be good for the Raisins, bringing them some much-needed positive publicity. However, much like Keenan Ivory and Damon Wayans, Red and Yellow have enough of a headache with their talentless relatives riding on their coattails, (Peanut Butter and Mint will be starring in their own sit-com next Fall on the WB, and Brown will be taking over the Martin Lawrence role in the direct-to-video sequel "Blue Streak 3.") the last thing they need is a bunch of wrinkled, Motown singing claymation has-beens mooching off of their success.

Despite the street gang-style posturing going on, Red, Yellow and the rest of the M&Ms have no intention of actually getting in a physical brawl. The California Raisins will be hearing from their lawyers though.

- Don "King" Milliken

Even the most casual scrutiny will show that the California Raisins resemble a classic Motown group, such as the Temptations, Four Tops, etc. In addition to having great musical talent, these groups were composed of minority men from the cities who knew about dealing with bigotry, being hassled by the authorities, and avoiding crime. These folk were no weaklings. And their music has stood the test of time and is still played on many radio stations. Since the California Raisins are snacks in this tough tradition, Red and his buddies don't stand much of a chance.

The only M&M on Red's team with any fighting or combat experience is Blue. He was the first M&M and served in the Army Air Corps in WW II on the bombers. The other M&Ms are fairly wimpy as they have been outwitted, defeated, and injured by actresses and supermodels in earlier ad campaigns. The closest thing they've had to victory is outwitting the dumbest and least successful of the Baldwin brothers.

So this match is essentially a group of wimps (except Blue, who is really an old WW II veteran - but his military skill won't help) who get beat up by women versus a gang of inner city street corner singers. In all such bouts, the ones left bleeding in the street are the wimps while the gang walks away unscathed.

Not a pretty sight, but I wouldn't mind disposing of the M&M team's remains (mmm... chocolate...)

- The Demented Astronomer

- Rainwoman

- Trey

You don't mess with family - just ask Michael Corleone. In a long range war I might give the edge to the crafty Raisins, but this is a one-time, winner-take-all, battle-royal and the day will belong to the flying fists of chocolatey goodness. The carnage will be unspeakable and the janitor will sweep the piles of Raisinettes(tm) into a well-deserved dumpster.

- Ellery A. Bardos

.......Detective Bob's report.'

I'm detective Bob. myself and some other police officers came on scene at about 1:29 pm, after all the forensics boys were done.

Eyewitnesses reported that the two groups of victims, the California Raisins and the M&M's were about to start fighting when the green M&M moaned, "IT's not easy being green!" All eye witnesses agreed that the minute she said that, the sky grew cloudy, some Arc Lightning hit the streetlights, and everything went black.

Moments later, What appeared to be two green figures, one calling himself Kermit, and another who was small, green, had horrible grammar, and an "Energy blade". The Figure called, "kermit", started singing about "The Lovers,..." pointing to one of the California raisins, and The green M&M. "The Dreamers..." to everyone else. If he was trying to stop the fight, we will never know, he was shot by the red M&M a moment later. The other Green figure stated loudly according to eyewitnesses, "War! This means!" And proceeded to murder all of the M&M's and Raisins, except the Green M&M, and an Unknown raisin. They then vanished. The hunt is on for these three figures, they also took the body of the dying frog known as "Kermit." "Kermit" is believed to be of the three "Budweiser Frogs", and the other suspect is believed to be a Jawa. a manhunt has been commenced to find these fugitives. Further Investigation is necessary however...

- David, Master of Gaming Disaster.

I believe that a quote from "Grudge Match, Da Book." "Never bet on the white man."

- TheFreakyFreakyOne

The raisins represent the proletariat, with their "Hey man, I work hard," and, uh, the labor thing. And the M&Ms, they're like, um, the bourgeoisie, with their "I don't want to do anything but count my piles of drachma." So then Tiny, who is really Karl Marx, says, "Fight back, raisins," and they're like, "Let's raid the Kremlin!" But Red, who is Czar Nicholas II, says, um...something.

Therefore, the winner must be, uh....who won in Russia?

- The 7th Biggest A-Team Fan in the World

Deeply saddened by the death of their kin, the M&M's and California Raisins put their differences aside and go on a worldwide concert tour with special guests Ray Charles and Willie Nelson in order to raise money for the "Tiny-Green Foundation." The hit song of the tour, of course, is "I Don't Care If You're Wrinkled or Multi- Colored, 'Cuz I'll Always Love You." However, the chocolate chips are all gonna hit the fan once it's announced that the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man/Pillsbury Doughboy vs. Jolly Green Giant/Sprout Tag Team Championship Bout is in town.

I mean... can you blame 'em?

- Mr. Potato Head (Finally, a match where the commercial characters HAVE to win!)

What are ya'll, idjets? Check it out:
A: The rasins have a band full of badass motown musicians, who are known far and wide to be the only tough musicians in the universe.
B: M&Ms are brittle little bastards with a ()thin() candy shell surrounding delicious but soft milk chocolate.
C: Rasins are resilient, tough-as-shoe-leather little bastards who couldn't be hurt by psychotic little candies.
D: As evidenced by yellow, peanut M&Ms are severely retarded. They couldn't be expected to be any help in a fight.
E: The rasins have the backup of the california prunes. A prune against an M&M is like Andre the Giant against that little guy who was in the Princess Bride with him (inconceivable!) Red fainted when he saw Santa Claus. How is he expectd to stand up to a gargantuan dried fruit?
F: M&Ms do melt in your hands if you hold them long enough. This will never happen with rasins.

Rasins, Prunes, and the band in 24 minutes 17 seconds.

- Inspectah Mac

Sure the raisins are old, but like my grandmother always tells me, you don't get old being no fool. Why do you think Ben Indasun talked Red into meeting them by the soda fountain???? Because Red being a HotHead on top of being young, wouldn't be thinking straight.Iam Drydup already unplugged the damned thing!!! That soda is nice and hot. M&M's melt in your mouth, not in your hands...Why, because your mouth is hot and moist. Doesn't take a genious to figure out that one of the 'good OLD boys' is hiding up there somewhere just waiting for the brawl. When the M&M's line up, They're sprayed with a shower of sprite and the Raisins are standing in a puddle of chocolate. So, once again, M&M's melt in the aisle, not in the stands...

- James L. from Milwaukee

I think the raisins will devour the M&M's in about two minutes, and then give each other wedgies to celebrate (at least that's what the wrestlers in my high school used to do).

- Ultimo Dragon

You can boil raisins, bake them, soak them in alcohol and set fire to them, freeze them, sear them under open flames, step on them, drop them off tall buildings, leave them in your scorching glove compartment for weeks… and they're pretty much the same as fresh ones. Try any of that with an M&M and there'd be nothing left but an odd-colored grease spot.

But there's more to this fight than just the M&Ms and Raisins themselves. Where is the match taking place? A candy store! What frightens the candy industry? The growing popularity of healthy snacks - such as raisins!

Fearing for their livelihoods, all the candy in the store comes to the aid of the beleaguered M&Ms. The Three Musketeers lead the attack, and the raisins are battered by Butterfingers, flogged by Jolly Ranchers wielding Licorice Whips, bitten by Coffee Nips and Charleston Chews, crushed under pecan logs, slashed by Orange Slices, bowled over by Skittles, and buried under Mounds. Curiously Strong Peppermint Altoids throw Big Hunks 100 times their size at the enemy, while Lemon Drops fall from the Milky Way above, firing Red Hots bullets and lobbing Starburst grenades and Bon-bon bombs. The Snickers bars laugh the defeated Raisins out of the store, and as they run away the Horehounds nip at their heels.

The California Raisins are defeated, but it's a hollow victory for Red and the M&M gang. Desperate to escape a life without her one true love, Green runs off with a Sugar Daddy who showers her with $100,000 bars…

- Ellery Lake

- Rob the "Melt in Your Mouth" Turkey

- The Babel Fish

- The Amazing Rando

- The Preacher

What does that tell you my friends? It tells you that the M&M's will melt in the Raisins' mouth, hands and any other body parts they get near their candy asses. Since they've got the King of Soul's soul backin em up. There's nothing they can't accomplish.

- Tito Puente

Now, I've never seen the Rasins fight. But they did scare the heck out of me when I was a kid. Those dessicated little grapes are terrifying! So let's see, we have the Multicolor Morons vs. the Evil Dessicated Grapes From Heck (patent pending). Score one for the Rasins.

- The Phantom

Raisins are nature's candy.

M&Ms are a creation of man.

What is it that man's creations all seem to do exceptionally well?

Destroying nature. This match will be no exception. Expect to see the California Rasins going the way of the ozone layer.

- Vonce

Inevitably, it was this guy's house that was egged into oblivion. The choice is obvious.

- 1/2 Nelson

but then, on the OTHER hand, the M&Ms hang around with Billy Baldwin. I knew I had to go with the Cali Raisins right then and there.

- the mysterious "jimmy"

But here is where the California Raisins™ lose out to the M&Ms™. Raisins are grown as grapes, and so they have all the glorious variation of nature. Which means that when they dry out, most of them will retain their juice and nutrition, immortalised for a long time. But some of them take on the taste and toughness of tyre rubber, which is insipid. Even Cookie Monster might turn up his nose at them. Meanwhile, Red and his friends are homogenised and machine-processed, meaning that they are consistent throughout. Peanuts don't vary tremendously in taste, and they did inspire the late Charles M. Schultz.

Besides, as Celebrity Deathmatch™ has shown us, claymation is one of the hallmarks of an inferior knock-off. Not for no reason are raisins worried grapes.

- The Nestbeschmutzer

1. Kung-Fu master with dart catching training a la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
2. Jedi Knight (rememer what Qui-Gon did to Jar Jar).
3. Doctor Evil.

Any way the M&Ms win.

- Brian the Qwicky Mart Employee-(Brian of the Many Aliases)

A pause.

The sound of Green weeping.

We pull the camera back. The countertops are littered with torn bits of dehydrated grapes & shattered candy shells. Looks like a serious case of the RAGE (tm) has happened.

More weeping.

"Why?! Why did you do it?!"

A long figure steps from the shadows near Green. "The Raisins? They were no good for you, dollface. Wrinkled has-beens...they'd have gone bad anyways....

"As for the others...," with that the figure spits and crunches more of Blue's shell under his foot. "They kicked me out, laughed at me...said I wasn't popular enough. But I proved them wrong in the end...all of them."

And with that, the exiled M&M Tan steps into the light, grabs Green and kisses her.

"Gimmie some sugar, Baby!"

- cygnia

but then you realize this is a Grudgematch based on a Musical based on a Shakespearian play.

In the end the whole drama doesn't matter, M&M's and Raisins make really good TrailMix(c). Now where's my Chex(c) ??

- the Deranged Weasel

Mars? As in Mars: Olympian God of War? And M&Ms are his creations?

Well, that settles it. The Rasins are going to get slaughtered, carved up, and sacrificed in some pagan ritual. This is so one sided its almost sad...

- The Animator

They are older, they sing, they have great plastic figurines made out of them, and if I am not mistaken, there is a special spot for the Cali raisins in the hearts of every 80's child. Let me remind everyone about the Cali. Raisins Christmas Album - that's right, I'm talkin' about the Rudolph Red Nosed Rap. There's no denying the greatness there.

The raisins - musical instruments poised and ready for battle - will crack these "unmeltable" shells, which will invert and impale the M&M's. The raisins have every musician on their side, the 80's children, and the M&M's rival candy bar characters.

The only ppl. the M&M"s have are the people who want to eat them.

Just because someone gets behind you, it doesn't mean they have your back. These nieve M&M's will be eaten by people in the blink of an eye. One could argue that people could also eat the raisins, but time and mutliple Halloween endevours have taught North America that in a choice between chocoltae and raisins, the chocolate is ALWAYS chosen.

Ps. I am aware of my terribel spelling.

- Emily the diehard Raisins fan!!!!

- Chuck D

38 Candy storage bins broken open in the melee.
243,279 Pieces of candy spilled out onto the floor.
92 Times that the combatants slip and fall on the candy on the floor.
1 Candy store owner who is found dead the next morning.
15 Lollypops found imbedded in the store owner's chest.
55 Stupid responses that contain references to the M&M's having nuts.
57 Stupid responses that contain references to the Raisins and wine.
13 Slim Jims broken by pieces of candy smacking other pieces of candy over the head.
Many Laughs one gets thinking of 10 candy characters beating each other over the head with Slim Jims.

The Raisins hold out for a good while, using their dark color to hide in shadows and ambush the brightly-colored M&M's, but to no avail.

The 5 candy-coated combatants regroup and charge at the Raisins with a Slim Jim in each gloved hand. The only ones that can figure out where to get the weapondry needed to fight back the M&M's (and thus are NOT squished immediately) startle Doc, who is rapidly brought down with a Lollypop Crossbow (available from NERF(tm)) One of the M&M's finds Doc during a break in the fighting, and he examines a note tied to one of the lollypops.

Red (reading note): To whoever finds this note: GIVE UP NOW, YOU PATHETIC UPSIDE-DOWN W! Your mother was a Gummy-hampster, and your father smelt of CastleBerries! If you want a piece of me, COME TO THE CANDY CORN AISLE! (Puts note down) At last! This may be the clue that leads us to victory! Dear sweet-toothed Doc, you shall not have died in vain!

Doc: Actually, I'm not quite dead, Red!
Red: What? Oh. Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
Doc: I think I may pull through, Red! If fact, if I jus-
Red: FAREWELL BRAVE DOC!!!

Red then went on to take on the remaining Raisins single-handedly, his theme music playing in the background. He ran the last ones through with a Slim Jim, finally breaking the glass window in the front of the shop while swinging by a Red Vine tied to the ceiling, muttering, "Could someone give me a push?"

Making a reference to a Monty Python movie in a commercial setting?

PRICELESS.

- The Mad Josher!

The rasin survived every time. Vive' Le Rasin!

- Chuck D

- Mark Wentz

All you out there who are eating M-M's: If you love these precious candies, if you want to eat them in the future, then STOP EATING THEM! Their numbers are needed to defeat the raisins! If you are eating california raisins, burn them! (Sun-Maid(tm) raisins are all right)

Voters, come! Come to www.grudge-match.com and vote for the M-M's. We have a holy war to wage! A war for those marvelous chocolate candies that don't melt in your hand! Run to Doc's Candy Shop, quickly! Bring guns, knives, anything! Go! Me must fight with the M-M's!

- I am Sci-Fi (are there knives in the Matrix? gotta have knives)

A) I remember in the late '80s when some researchers surveyed kids as to their favorite animated TV characters, and the top favorites were the California Raisins who didn't even have a show at the time, just commercials. Only after this poll did the dried fruit put forth a Saturday-morning cartoon series.

The Raisins, then, are not cocky. They know when they're hip, and they play it cool instead of making Dennis-Rodman-style fools of themselves. The worst they've ever done is make many post-boomers refer to Marvin Gaye's masterpiece as "The California Raisin Song." (This is the same generation that first heard a Beethoven piano piece on a McDonald's commercial. *Sigh*.)

B) The M&Ms have a far worse history, to wit:

1) The slogan I grew up with claimed, "M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands." Uh-huh. Experience taught me otherwise before I was out of first grade. If you believe that line, give me a call and I can sell you some shares in Pan-Am Airlines real cheaplike.

2) "All the world loves M&Ms ... a joy for everyone." Really? ALL the world? All six billion people in 200+ nations? I don't deny that the candies are popular, but even if they have the studies to back that one up, this is a cocky statement just asking for a good slap-in-the-chocolate-induced-pimply-face refutation.

3) The rumor goes that M&Ms were intially used instead of Reece's Pieces in "E.T.," but the candy company thought the film would flop and asked to be removed. They thought themselves too good for even a Spielberg movie, and I wonder how much market share that high-horse haughtiness cost them.

4) M&Ms declared themselves the official candy of several Olympics. Fine. They cough up some money to train our athletes, so it's fair they get their publicity from it. However, Mars Inc. pushed the idea way too far two years ago. You see, MM is the Roman number for 2000. On that basis, they made the dumbfounding claim to be "The Official Candy of the New Millennium." This jaw-dropping assertion manages to contain three stupid aspects: a) in describing 2000 as the new millennium, they fall for the Odometer Effect along with the rest of the mass-culture sheep herd. Baaaa. Baaaaaaa. b) Despite how much has changed in recent history, they are so sure that M&Ms will exist 100 years from now, let alone 1000 years from now. By that time, will people even be eating candy at all? c) And here is the one that really gets my goat. The "Official" candy of a chronological era? What arrogance! Who certified them as such - the Greenwich Observatory? Father Time? The Y2K Bug? Am I supposed to believe that if not for the sponsorship of the nice people at Mars, Inc. we would still be in the '90s gabbing about the President's "domestic affairs initiatives" and doing the macarena?

The Raisins are smooth, and the M&Ms are full-of-themselves show-offs. As the tortoise outraced the hare, so will the Raisins give these swaggerers their long-overdue comeuppance.

- Matt Bricker

- Tirdun

1) Red M&Ms cause cancer.

2) Green M&Ms are a powerful aphrodisiac (in my best Chief Wiggum impression - "you know, making babies"?)

So, the M&Ms literally have the power of both life and death on their side; the very forces which govern our existence dwell within the confines of those sweet candy shells ...

Now you tell me how a bunch of washed-up, sun-baked prune wanna-bees can compete with that?

- Alessandro

- Eric

- tom-may!-JSU

Besides M&Ms are just plain colorful. the hae so many varietes of shapes, tastes and sizes that the Marvin Gay singing California Raisins don't stand too much of a chance. Califronia Raisins are just too g#$%^& gossipy, they sing, they dance and it's only obvious that they spent way too much time in the sun. Sure they could sing an environmentally consicous song about the ecology but how important is it that important to sing about evernmental protection? In any regards, the M&M can do the same s*&^ sitting at a computer in Baldwin's love shack.

- The Former Marshal of Pi Lambda Phi

You may not think this so great. But let me put it to you this way. If "Jaws" had instead of the fear inspireing, "BOMP BOMP...BOMP BOMP, BOMP BOMP BOMP BOMP EE EE EE!!!" And instead of that for his theme music, he had the tune from "Pop goes the weasel". Would it really had been such a good movie?

case closed. point made. imput given. i'm going to go have a beer.

- Darth Jared

when all of a sudden the door opens up and two people stoned on marijuina walk in and see the fight about to occur. they see it as food for there munchies and start eating the screaming M&M's and California Raisins.

The M&M's win due to superior numbers (holiday M&M's and the Mini's) but are soon eating by the two drugies

- zakp

(Suddenly a looming shadow eclipses the fight, and both fighting parties freeze)

Doc, owner of the candy shop: See junior, there's nothing to be afraid of in the store at dark.
Little Kid: But Grandad, can't we turn on the lights anyway?
Doc: Of course I will.. you stay here...

(The little kid looks down and spies some round objects on the ground...)

Doc (returning): See junior, the store doesn't have to be scary at night.. Would you like a snack?
Junior: (Burping) No thanks Grandad.. I just had one....

Making the world and Doc's floor a much cleaner place, one candy gang at a time...

- Bob Chesterfieldsnapdragonmistfistacuffs

1) Flocks of Ravening Dove(tm)s ala Alfred Hitchcock

2) The deadly exploding Starburst(tm)

3) Finally, and most importantly, the most powerful force in the Candy Universe, the Skittles Rainbow(tm). With its proven ability to traverse time, space, and alternate universes, it will bring to heel the awesome forces of Lucky the Leprachaun, the Rainbow Coalition, GLAAD, the Gods of Asgard (via the Rainbow Bridge, Bifrost) and yes, Kermit D. Frog and his diabolical Rainbow Connection, whose insidious tentacles reach even into the seemingly goodnatured candy industry.

With this unnatural alliance against them, the raisins haven't got a chance.

- The Fat Man (DON'T YOU SEE, YOU'RE FOOD!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!! YOU'RE NEXT!!

- le schmuck

- Will

However, all of us I am certain have tried the California Raisins. They stick to the box, they stick to your fingers, once you do get them in your mouth, you are going to spend a little while chewing on them before you can finish. Throw one against a wall and it sticks there almost as if to say "Bring it on you sissy". Leave a box on the sidewalk or in your pocket and they are still ready for eatin'. I call that endurance!

- DH

- Sean (aka

Also the fact can't be ignored that when Marshall Mathers was singing about the "Real Slim Shady," he was'nt singing about himself. This points out a huge difference between M&Ms and the Raisins that appears to have been overlooked. While the Raisins were a kind of 50's style do-wop band, the M&Ms were inspiring rappers. What sounds tougher to you? With these facts in mind, the choice is obvious. The Raisins get pruned.

- The Headless Drunken Idiot

THE FINAL WORD...

M&M's are chocolate, and everyone's heard of the poll saying most women prefer chocolate to sex. Imagine having sex WITH chocolate.

- Me

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Pop'N'Fresh v. Mr. Peanut
Mr. Bill v. Gumby
Springfield v. South Park

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Next Match: Canadian Bacon™
ETA: Saturday, June 30th, 2001