The last stragglers enter the large dimly lit meeting room; the doors are closed behind them. The room is filled with a myriad of beings: most are people, but one is able to discern through the darkness some strange aliens, animals, and mechanical beings. A few chihuahuas are roaming about as well. A voice from the front of the room calls them to order.
"Ladies, gentlemen, others, let me introduce myself. My name is Lex Luthor. For years we have all been the common victims of an inhuman violence perpetrated by two men named Steve and Brian. This so-called Grudge Match has subjected us all to pointless pain, agony, and humiliation. Today, we exact our revenge. Using my superior intellect I have constructed a device that will allow us to finally get even with these two sadists. Behold, the Transportrix 2000!"
Lex pulls the cover off of a large contraption covered with many knobs, switches, lights, and of course, a huge lever.
"With one pull of this lever, my hyperdimensional transport will pull Steve and Brian into our world, and we will finally gain our revenge upon them!" With a flourish, Lex pulls the lever, and the machine comes to life. The crowd goes wild with anticipation. The chihuahuas begin yelping, Flipper lets out a sinister "Reep! Reep!", Herbie toots his horn, and John McClane fires his gun into the air.
Meanwhile, back at Cornell University, Steve and Brian are diligently working on their research. Then, all of the sudden -- Whammo! -- Steve and Brian find themselves in an alley, strangely reminiscent of the one used by Gary Coleman and Webster. A pair of brass knuckles are laying nearby, the one closer to Steve caked in dried blood from Webster's forehead. The face of Lex Luthor appears floating in the air above them. "Now you two will fight like we have been made to. The winner returns home; the loser, if he survives, will be stranded here... FOREVER!" The laughter and yelling of a large, unseen audience fills the alley. "Now fight!"
BRIAN: Well, I'd say it's been nice working with you, Steve, but I'd be lying. Not only am I going to condemn you here for all eternity, but I'm sure going to enjoy beating you up once and for all. Prepare to eat it.
STEVE: I don't think so, Brian. I've been waiting for this opportunity for awhile. All I needed was a reason. You're going down.
So, Brian, which cocky commentator clobbers his colleague and collects the cornucopia of cash from the Grudge Match Book (tm)?
First of all, the situation completely favors Steve. As is implied above, Brian will be fighting with Webster's brass knuckles -- the SAME brass knuckles that are 0-2 in street fights, losing to the likes of Tattoo, a dead midget/circus freak. That's bad karma for Brian. Second of all, this match takes place in the 8th dimension and is being transmitted over cyberspace. My point? Well, Brian's research at Cornell involves cancer research: experiments, data, an actual disease -- you know, real life. If this were an actual street fight, I might give him a chance. But it's not. Steve, however, is a computer jockey. He sits around all day, writing code and running programs (when he's not surfing the web or playing on-line games), doing "experiments" on things that don't actually exist, and getting "results" on things that can't ever be proven. Thus, his research experience sets him up perfectly for an imaginary street fight such as this. Brian, accustomed to some semblance of reality, will be lost. I wouldn't be surprised if Steve started writing some programs to control the outcome of the fight, a la John Candy in Delirious.
Finally, Steve clearly has The Rage (tm). I know, I know -- over the past 3+ years Steve has really driven this topic into the ground, dredging it up whenever he's once again out of ideas. But that doesn't make it any less meaningful. Where does this Rage come from? From Steve's being second fiddle all these years: a look at the Stats page shows that Brian has a clear lead in the all-time won-loss percentage; Brian always has more to say and says it more eloquently; Brian clearly has more fans; and Brian even had the audacity to put his name on the book first. Steve is sick of being shown up week in and week out, and the welled-up frustration will be taken out on Brian's unprepared frame (a la what Ralphie did to that bully in A Christmas Story).
STEVE: Brian, yet again you fail to see the important facts in this match, and manage to twist around the ones that you do see. Obviously, Brian must be the victor here.
First of all, in a street fight, what is really important? This whole computer conspiracy you've constructed? Heavens, no. What's important is dexterity, athleticism, and toughness. It's obvious that Brian is superior in all three regards. Dexterity: It is clear that Brian is the master of all precision office games requiring dexterity. Who is the champ of tossing-the-crumpled-up-paper-into-the-wastebasket? Brian. Steve would be lucky to get one in ten in the basket. Who is champion of throw-the-magnet-and-make-it-stick-to-the-file-cabinet? Brian. Steve never manages to make it stick. The list goes on and on. Athleticism: Drawing from the many racquetball matches Brian and Steve have played, the superior athlete is clear: Brian. With Brian defeating Steve with a typical score of 15 to 5, it's not even close. Toughness: Again it has to go to Brian. The simple fact that Steve was repeatedly beaten up by officemate Debbie is a testament to this. Overall, it is clear that Brian is the better fighter.
In addition, Brian has an advanced knowledge of biology. He'll know the key points to hit to make Steve crumple in pain. He'll have toxic nerve agents from his lab to bring him to his knees. And finally, he'll blow away Steve's mind by drawing a curve through a single data point. All in all, Steve just doesn't have a chance.
BRIAN: None of those silly office games and hobbies you mention, Steve, are relevant to any kind of street fight, real or imagined. But, for the sake of argument, let's say that the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of the fight are totally even. Given that, it will come down to outside influences. Clearly, Steve has it made. Why? Because Brian says what he thinks, and always has. That's right: This fight will be decided by The Incredibly Large Number of People Who Would Love to See Brian Dead (tm).
Remember how he pissed off the Scottish with that genetic selection crack? And let's not forget how he angered both people from Wisconsin AND female field hockey players at the same time. Actually, given his track record, ALL women would probably like to kill him (including his wife). The alley would soon be flooded with throngs of angry people looking to spill Brian's blood.
And even if those people can't get through to the 8th Dimension, there's enough anti-Brian sentiment in the scenario itself to tip the scales in Steve's favor. While everyone at Luthor's gathering wants to see Steve and Brian fight, there will still be some favoritism. Despite Brian arguing against as many participants as Steve has, Brian has gone against a more powerful and influential contingent. Brian has argued against both the Tasmanian Devil and the Grim Reaper. Try to tell me those two aren't vindictive. He also argued against the Death Star, thus turning the entire Empire against him. And if those aren't enough, he argued against Lex Luthor himself! Something tells me the mastermind of this entire operation could easily arrange to make things slightly in favor of his supporter, Steve.
But more powerful (and more biased) than any of these is Mr. T. After his double duty in the Grudge Match, Mr. T has settled into semi-retirement as the WWWF Unofficial Spokesperson (tm). Why would he hang around with people that put him through hell? Clearly it is his loyalty to Steve. Mr. T and Brian have never gotten along. Need proof? Not only did Brian argue for Mr. Clean, but he didn't even participate in A-Team v. MacGyver. I remind you that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. T will use this opportunity to rid himself of his greatest enemy. Brian never had a chance.
STEVE: While I can't deny that the competitors from previous matches may have some influence on the outcome of this match through the Tranformix 2000, the examples you cite are irrelevant. The Empire? What are they going to do? If they blow up Earth I go too. The Grim Reaper? He can't even defeat Bill & Ted. You must be trembling in your shoes. And Mr. T is helpless without a blowtorch or a custom van.
No, the only important match to consider is Scooby-Doo v. The X-Files, in which Steve argues against Mulder and Scully. Brian argues for them, and therefore is obviously a member of the Secret Underground Conspiracy Network (tm). Membership in this club is even more prestigious that being an American Express member. All kinds of coincindences and unexplained phenomena will undoubtedly cause Steve to lose. His brass knuckles will be made of rubber painted to look like brass. He will be weakened by an anesthetic dart fired from a nearby grassy knoll. And a cadre of Men in Black (real ones, not the falsehood the movie of the same name potrayed them to be) will be on hand to insure Brian's victory. There is no stopping Brian and his secret legion of forces.
Finally, I hereby invoke the Electoral College Factor (tm) from the stats. Although Steve has clearly garnered more votes than Brian over this history of the Grudge Match, Brian still retains his title as El Supremo del Grudge. He is obviously the best man in Grudge Match land, and therefore must know all there is to know about fighting. I emplore all of you to vote for his victory in this street fight. (i.e. Click on "Brian"). Do not be swayed by cheap imitations.
Thanks to the many people that suggested this match-up. But believe us when we say we thought of it waaaayyy before any of you did. (To give you an idea, we came up with T v. Clean the same night.) Special thanks to Jeimus Nostrebor whose suggestion helped to inspire the setting.
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- Kilgore Trout
The potential impact of this metamatch has a more profound impact on us, the sheeplike and easily cowed Grudgefans (TM), than any match in the history of the universe. If we pick the winner, we get honor, glory, a place at the table of honor, one of those nifty little Mao jackets (TM), even -- dare i dream? (dare! dare!) -- the chance to REPLACE THE LOSER.
However. And it's a big however. Should we pick the loser, the winner will wreak horrible vengeance on us for the rest of our pathetic little lives!!!
Imagine a triumphant Steve, basking in the glow of victory, wearing a leopard skin-lined crown and drinking a vial of Brian's blood. "So, little man," he bellows in his newly JamesEarlJonesicized voice to a Brian Booster (TM), "you had no faith in me." He gestures to a deformed henchgoblin. "Take this one to the fester pots and stew him. His treacherous commentary shall no more besmirch my Site."
Imagine a victorious Brian, basking his tired tootsies before a coal fire stoked with the heads of those who dared doubt his supremacy. He tears the drumstick off a broasted Stevesider (TM) and laughs to his companion -- A COMPANION WHO VOTED FOR HIM. "What can I do for you, loyal comrade?" He asks, sounding for all the world like Kissinger with better diction. "Retire the ROTW (TM) Gold Medal in your name, in perpetuity? Grant you a fiefdom in the South of Florida? Relieve you of the King's Scrofula? You name it."
*shudder* The consequences for a bad guess are simply too high. I'm calling it a push, fellas; wake me when the purge is over.
- The Ludic Kid
As Brian picks up and attempts to put on the brass knuckles, Steve makes the more intelligent choice of grabbing the conveniently-placed-steel-garbage-can(tm) which he heaves with all his computer-geek might, smashing Brian in the shins.
The pain from this is excrutiating of course, but Brian is a trooper and he continues to struggle with the brass-knuckles. Unfortunately for our hero, he has made a grievous error in forgetting that these knuckles were designed for midgets Coleman and Webster, and they don't fit on his hand! While our poor dim-witted commentator is occupied with this complex problem, Steve has seized the initiative and takes the garbage can lid to him in a brutal WWF-style assault, which because of Steve's atrophied muscles (which have sat in long disuse due to his addiction to the 'Net) ends up as more of a Monty Burns type attack where Steve actually does more damage to his frail wrists than to Brian's thick-skulled noggin. This is Steve's undoing. Realizing that his skull could survive anything short of a direct nuclear-strike, Brian brings it on like Bonk!
With a flurry of punishing head butts, Brian smashes Steve's jaw, right collarbone, four ribs, left arm (compound fracture) and pelvic bone (don't ask). The remaining flesh is so battered and bruised that dental records are required to identify the remains. Unfortunately, Brian must go through life with 4 pens and a mechanical pencil embedded in his skull after a direct hit with Steve's Pocket-Protector(tm) and he lost an eye from shards of glass from Steve's spectacles.
Brian's demise comes but weeks later when he is killed by an e-mail bomb when fans of Grudge Match realize that it's just not same with Brian debating (arguing) with his alter-ego Nairb instead of Steve.
- Fistandantilus of Montreal O.S.C.L(tm)
At Cornell, on the infamous Slope Day '96 - the last day of school when everyone goes to the slope and gets piss drunk - Steve's fury was unbridled, as his 110-pound frame tossed chemical engineering students one by one down the muddy hill. I, too, succumbed to the bloodthirsty mayhem that is named Steve. Ultimately, the winner of that battle was the bottle, as shortly afterwards several of us filth-covered chemical engineers managed our way to Pizza Hut. During our meal, let's just say Steve made several trips to decorate the men's restroom with his liquid laughter.
I faced the mighty Brian in the classroom, as he was a teaching assistant in two of my classes. Let me tell you, my friend, that Brian was the embodiment of Rage ™. He would endure questions like "Does the Reynolds number have to do with how many Cannonball Run movies were made?" and "Shouldn't our parents know that you're teaching us the concept of 'suction head' ?" And Brian's wife - on the outside, she appears sweet and harmless, but in her eyes, I saw a thousand screaming souls, I tell you. As she lays her verbal and physical abuse on Brian, his Rage ™ smolders and festers until it may be unleashed for a worthy occasion. An occasion, such as smacking down the whup-ass on Steve.
One of the big factors is Steve's pitifully low alcohol tolerance. He once recalled a story about getting trashed on Boone's Farm apple wine. Now good lord, to get a mere buzz off Boone's Farm, a normal person must have donated blood, fasted for a week, and drunk five bottles within ten minutes. Since this battle royal will take place in an alley, there will no doubt be empty beer and liquor bottles present. The trace amounts of alcohol from the bottles will diffuse through the air in the alley and intoxicate Steve, leaving him as tipsy as a bridesmaid who picked the wrong punch bowl. Meanwhile, Brian's Rage ™ causes his muscles to bubble and expand like Tetsuo's in "Akira", destroying a perfectly good t-shirt; with one quick *squish*, Steve is reduced to a simple stain that is no match for even a laundry detergent, such as all-temperature Cheer.
So is Brian the true winner? I don't think so. He still must come home to his wife, whose barbs and thrashings render him a cowering, whimpering child.
- Ernest Paik
Just for the record, I was as bad off as Steve that Slope Day (tm) [except I didn't hurl]. We both "Walked the Dog" (tm). If you don't know what that means, be thankful. -B
Brian, I thought I told you to flunk that loser out of Cornell. - S
This is the most pathetic match you've ever presented! You both lose! No one knows you, nor does anyone care who you really are. People like your work, and that's it, so take it for what it's worth and stop inflating your paper-thin skulls with delusional notions of personal fame. Go back to presenting fights between fictional characters or real people so famous they might as well be fictional, or stay lost in that dimension where the right honourable Luthor put you!
- ANGRY
We also found interesting the large number of people that commented on how we complimented/brown-nosed each other in the commentary. We wonder aloud at what match they were really reading. -S&B
- Jason Goodman
I'm going to lend my fellow Brian "The Eye Of The Tiger", my Chinese Zodiac birth sign (1998 = Year Of The Tiger). With the "Eye Of The Tiger" from your photo stand-in Hulk Hogan you'll have TWO Eyes Of The Tiger - an unbeatable combination.
It's Sad how neither of you has the guts to talk trash. With each of you voting for the other, perhaps we should consider which of you would be more talented at making yourself lose. Which one of you can fall down and play dead the fastest?
This Grudge Match is unique in more than one way. First, never has there been a match in which the combatants have been so completely unknown to the voting public. Hence there has never been a match in which the outcome meant so little to the voting public. Most importantly, there has never been a match which could so easily take place in Real Life (TM). I suggest Brian and Steve duke it out for REAL and end all speculation. Perhaps on an episode of Jerry Springer?
- The Grey Man
- Eric
1. Never ever lose at scrabble.
2. Cheat if you have to to win.
3. Best shot in NY for years.
4. Never been arrested.
5. Can read the stars.
7. Able to use alcohol and high explosives at the same time.
8. Survived the Titanic.
9. Successfully avoided the military for 4 generations.
10. Stopped/almost started a war between Canada and USA.
- Dad(tm) [Levine]
I predict Brian and Steve will write many strongly worded papers and correspondences in technical journals condemning each others theories. Lex and Co. will eventually get bored and cut off funding one month before B&S are due to get their degrees, and both will end up living in cardboard boxes under bridges somewhere in the 8th dimension.
- gradstudent
These men are not fighters.
So how will they compete? Clearly through some kind of debate, for that is truly how they excel. And who will win this debate? The statistics speak.
We cannot simply look at the win-loss ratios, for those numbers give no indication of the magnitudes of the wins and defeats. Brian has convinced 55,423 people to vote his way in 82 matches, for an average votes-per-match of 675.89. Steve has swayed 57, 426 voters in 81 matches, for a vpm of 708.96. Clearly, when Steve wins, he wins big, and that shall make the difference.
Steve shall return to his life of luxury (once he collects the Book royalties) and Brian shall be cursed to wander the phantom zone, inside a 2-dimensional plate, until he is released through some freak accident and comes back with super powers to destroy us all.
- Denis Moskowitz
Both Brian and Steve mention things like "College Education", "Silly Office Games", The Rage (TM), Past Records (TM), and Personal Grudges of Former Contestants (TM). None of these things matter. College Education has never been of any worth to anyone in any real-life situation. Silly Office Games have only one useful function -- winning office bets (i.e., The loser of this game has to go to the door when the Pizza Boy (TM) shows up...). The other items are all worthy of consideration for other matches. However, no matter how entertaining they really don't effect the outcome.
The real deciding factor will always be Cool Theme Music (TM). Cinema, TV, even cheap Japanese Anime all have focused on this! Long before the battle begins the outcome is decided by the quality and loudness of the theme music (the popularity of the music is an often over-looked wild card). Any true grudge match connoisseur understands this. Even the Pro Wrestling Entertainers (TM) have caught on to the devasting effects of CTM.
The match will be a hopeless draw. Some blood may be shed, some skin and dignity lost, but no clear victor will emerge until each chooses appropriate theme music.
P.S. You may argue that some of the other matches had no theme music. I will only provide two rebuttals:
1. There was music - you just weren't aware of it. An example -- Rotweiler vs Chiahuahuas was accompained to the "Ride of the Valkeryies" and the "Mexican Hat Dance".
B. Any fight that wasn't was not a "sanctioned" grudge match.
- The Luddite
First of all, Lex Luthor and compadres, I believe, would like to see BOTH Brian and Steve meet Death or his second cousin, Dismemberment. So wouldn't Lex put Brian and Steve (hereby abbreviated B&S, or maybe just BS is more appropriate) into a situation where they'd both die? Such as dumping them both into a smooth-walled cylinder and opening up a tank of phosgene? Not only would they both die, but watching the throes of B&S as their lungs burned and filled with fluid would be satisfying to ANY previous Grudge Match participant (or even those of us who want to get published a little more often than we do).
Second of all, why would I believe that B&S are even capable of fighting? You've got research types here. I mean, I'm not saying that you two are unathletic, B&S, but athletic ability doesn't necessarily translate to fighting ability. Watch a Major League Baseball(tm) and watch the "fisticuffs" when a pitcher beans a batter.
Third, the Eighth Dimension is Buckaroo Banzai's turf. So what probably happens is that B&S circle around, each afraid to throw the first punch, for fear of missing. Suddenly, B. Banzai shows up, gives them both eighth-dimension wedgies (particularly nasty, I assure you), and sends them home to their work. No real match occurs, and we all gather for the next match.
- Squidboy at UIC
Lizardo has his own bone to pick. Unbeknownst to most people, during one recent bull session, Brian was heard to severely dis Lizardo's alter-ego, Dick Solomon the High Commander, in comparison to Mork from Ork. This has deeply bruised Lizardo's ego, and he will not rest until he is REVENGED!
Using an invention inspired by yet another alter-ego (hey, people get around in the 8th dimension), he zaps Brian with the fiendish Rodman Ray. Brian gets a sudden urge to explore his feminine side, while still feeling athletic. Steve aids his desire by exploiting Brian's momentary inattention and delivering a devastating blow to Brian's masculine side, ifyaknowwhatimean.
Steve returns home showered in glory, stewed with testosterone, and enriched by the royalty check he no longer needs to split. Brian would return home one day, with the aid of Buckaroo Banzai and the Hong Kong Cavaliers -- but that's another story.
- Call me Shane
Man technology sucks.
- Chris "Pastry" Csont
- The Big Cheese of Toronto
It's rather simple then. Steve has Steven in his namesake, which brings along with it such boons as face paint, battle cries, strategic use of mooning, and of course the Braveheart School Of Acting[PATENT PENDING]. The main artifact Brian can bring to bear from his nomenclatural legacy is a couple of pirouettes on ice.
Alas, poor Brian,
--One o'them Rosencrantzes.
The seeds of Steve's destruction were sown in the Hannibal Lector vs Jeffrey Dahmer matchup. In that matchup Steve refused to participate, citing moral objections to such an incomprehensible atrocity to humanity. Morals, scruples, human decency; all things that have no place in the Grudge Match, all things that Steve seems to possess, all things that guarantee he will fall. The philosophical foundation on which evil is based is that evil will triumph over good because good possesses scruples and scruples equal weakness. All the greats, Lex Luthor, Cobra Commander, Callisto, Dark Helmet have espoused this belief in one form or another.
Now the uninitiated might point out that all the greats I have listed are all repeatedly beaten over and over again, but in response to that I will point out that we aren't in Neverland anymore, we're in the Grudgeverse. In the Grudgeverse the strong are allowed to crush the weak, evil is allowed to run rampant, and debauchery and destruction are the order of the day. The Grudgeverse is a place where the Death Star can destroy the Enterprise, where Monty Burns can be elected president of the United States, and where I can repeatedly be denied the ROTW award. The Grudgeverse gives victory to whoever can be the most ruthless, and while Steve definitely has potential, those flashes of morality will be his undoing. Brian, unburdened by petty morality, will do whatever it takes to win and will certainly emerge triumphant.
- Brendan W. Guy
Who will be the winner? As a loyal fan of the WWWF, I would have to say... the public.
- Jeff Smith
- Calanthe
- Flapjack
Brian sounds like the name of a guy that two teenage girls are, like,
totally in love with.
"Brian said hi to me in the hallway before homeroom, and I TOTALLY
thought I was going to die!"
Furthermore, nobody knows what your last names are, so I gotta figure it has to be one of the following:
Possible STEVES: Possible BRIANS: Steve Segal Brian Boitano Steve McQueen Brian Orser Steve Tyler Brian Austin GreenSo lets see here, we have an Aikido master, a cowboy and a coked-up rock star against two figure skaters and an "actor" from 90210:
- Budo (President, Steve fan club)
Brian: Listen, you little computer geek. I'm gonna smack you Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-style!
Steve: (turns around and pulls something from his pockets) Oh, yeah! Well, take a look at Steve's Secret Weapon(TM)!
Brian: Holy, shit, "The RAGE(TM)" pills! So that's you're little game is it? Now I see why you use The RAGE(TM) in every commentary! You've been feeding it to every one of you're competitors!
Steve: (swallowing pills) And now it's your turn! Heee-yaaa!!!(TM)
Brian: Oh shit.
Steve: (twitching violently) Hooga-Oooga Boom-ba-jombie weiy swiack
Brian: Oh shit.
Steve charges Brian, screaming. Quickly, Brian gets something from his pocket and pops it in his mouth! Steve reaches Brian, preparing to tear him a new poop-chute, when suddenly he stops, gasps in fear, and holds his hands up to shield his eyes!
Brian: Ha! Now you see Brian's Secret Weapon (TM).
Steve: (still gasping in fear). No-ooo, not MENTOS(TM) LEVEL COOLNESS! Nothing can surpass Mentos(TM) Level Coolness!! Aaaggh....
Brian: (watching as Steve becomes a green puddle on the floor of the eight dimension) That's right Steve, I'm using your own logic against you. Muh-haha-hahaha!!
Steve: Evil!! Evil!!!!
-trailer-
Coming soon to a theatre near you! Brian Wins! an adaptation from the novel "Grudge Match da Book" written by Steve and Brian and edited by Brian after Steve died. Starring: Bruce Cambpell as Mentos(TM) level coolness-Brian ("Hail to the King, Baby!"), Keanu Reeves as The Rage(TM) Steve ("I am really mad at you. Argh"), and Bruce Willis as Some Dork the Multiple-ROTW Winner ("I'd like to thank all the little people. Especially the Ooompah's from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.") Also, watch for the Grudge Match saturday morning cartoon, starting this August only on FOX.
- Some Dork
I do, however, maintain that Steve and Brian will pass unnoticed into a beer-soaked stupor, and will stumble out of the 8th dimension without setting one pinky toe into the ring.
- Holly Haines, Welcome to Psycholly Land
Oh, and Steve wins because his name's cooler. (By talking Brian to death about how much cooler his name is.)
Oh, on a side note, this site is pretty cool, but get something a little less confusing. AND DON'T VOTE AGAINST YOURSELF!!! THAT WAS REALLY CONFUSING!!!
Oh, and, no... I'm not crazy.
- Erblavex
Then, ten or fifteen years down the line, they "reunite," do an Unplugged for MTV, release the "album," and go on tour promoting said album at $175 (today’s prices) per ticket--and that’s WITHOUT including John Paul Jones and Michael Nesmith)!
Lemme tell ya’s something, skippy! I ain’t buying no album! Even if it does win 8 Grammy’s (like THAT means anything)!
- Mark Wentz
"P.S. Steve, you stop pickin' on my boy!
- Brian's Mom
Hey, Steve. My Mom can beat up your Mom. -B
Oooh. Now you need your mom to come in and save you... -S"
All street fighters know that if you try to get your mom to fight your battles, you will be considered a major wimp and thus be severely beaten. Second, Brian insults Steve's mom by saying his mom can beat up Steve's mom. All street fighters also know that insulting another fighter's mom is a sure way to invoke their rage.
Given the above Brian doesn't stand a chance.
- Terpman
As counterpoint to the above response, I present this response. -B
..wow. this is a tough one: neck and neck. But I have to vote for Steve for two reasons. 1. I'm his mother. 2. He's lucky! Things always pan out for Steve (and deservedly so). His uncle, the famous published astrologer Rick Levine, did Steve's chart when he was a newborn: the planets were lined up in such a way that Uncle Rick was blown away! This kid has the stars (and planets) on his side!
- mom
What surprised me the most, though, is finding out that all the personal details of your lives that have been divulged all this time were merely a smokescreen, and that this site is actually moderated by two well-known professional wrestlers. Let's get ready to humble!!!
The two contestants circle, pretending to look for an opening. Steve grabs Brian and slams his head into the turnbuckle. Steve shouts "Art thou bored?", turns to the crowd and starts chewing on a processed-meat product. Brian takes the opportunity to tear his t-shirt open. He turns to Steve and . . . (I was going to write "gives him a piledriver," but see the comment above about being politically correct.) Let's say Brian turns to Steve and puts him into a full-nelson. Someone in the crowd holds up a sign reading "South Park 3:16." Steve wriggles free and slams his elbow gently into Brian's face while simultaneously stomping loudly on the canvas. Brian recoils as if hit by a sandbag, clutching his nose in feigned agony. . . .
A tough one to call. Let's say that Brian wins, if only because "Thunder in Paradise" has marginally better production values than a Slim-Jim(tm) commercial. . . .
- Deacon
Supporting evidence is abundant. Steve's thinking is always out in left field and his commentary is full of left handed compliments. On the other (Wright) hand, Brian's thinking and reasoning is always Wright on.
Thus, when the match is over, Steve will be the one left with the agony of defeat in the 8th dimension and Brian will be transported back home Wright away because we all know that in a make believe world, i.e., Grudge Match, Wright always wins.
- Always Been Wright, Sr. (TM)
Left to fight alone... Steve and Brian ponder the best way to solve this mess.
They choose the only way they know.
Steve and Brian will stop passers-by and pose them with the question "Which of us should win?", maybe even, oh, post a website entitled Grudge Match[TM] or something like that. Then they will tally the votes and decide on a winner, all the while using WAAAYYYYY to many "[TM]" signs...
At the sight of the previous events Luthor will get a massive headache, throw his hands up in the air and give up saying "I GIVE?! THEY ARE TOO FREAKING WEIRD!!!"....
- Primis
Steve, I see you fancy yourself as Randy "The Macho Man" Savage. Now there is a REAL wrestler. Was a lunatic, is a lunatic, will always be a lunatic. The strongest thing he has ever been accused of ingesting is Slim Jims. And if it wasn't for Hulk's buddies in the NWO bailing him out, Macho would beat the crap out of him every day of the week and smash his head in with a chair. It's just like what Steve is about to do to you, Brian. No, don't turn around. It is already too late. No need to see your impending doom.
*SMACK* Snap Into It!
- Paul G. of the STGF(tm)
Oh, I have to vote. I'm a devoted follower of both Steve and Brian, even if I NEVER get a decent spot on the response page, save a completely unprecedented and unduplicated incident in which I was placed in the prestigious postion of Silver Medalist, ABOVE The Ballad of Willy, an honor which I did NOT deserve. Whoever stuck my sorry ass there deserves to lose, or win.
Well, slam me into a postal worker's uniform and toss me a firearm, ain't I a social worker's wet dream? Yes, either it was Silver Medalist or hanging on at the bottom or not hanging at all for good old me, Jason with a dash, before EVERYONE started getting dashes, the freeloading bastards... except for one time when I got in two chunks under bronze with a barrage of obscenities on Snow White... is THAT what passes for intellectual humor in your little racket, you little snots? Huh?
Regardless, I had to vote. But how to decide? How to CHOOSE? The spirit of the Grudge Match is in humor... the root of funny is verbal absurdity (i.e. "My computer is the dicator of Cuba/demands toaster strudel" or "My printer ate my cat")... so whose name sounds funnier? Brian? Steve? Both run-of-the-mill Americana since the late 1800s... but what about Steve... with a lisp? Ah! Steve with a lisp and a nasal intonation, like stupid-keaton in Mulitiplicity! An answer was found!
Thteve... simple, wholesome, a soup that eats like a meal... Thteve.
- Jason (And damn proud of it.)
- Evets the Grand Orez
- HW
The stranger, after years of obscurity at the WWWF, is boiling to the point where he is overflowing with more Rage (tm) than anyone else in the entire dimension, so much Rage (tm) that it becomes... (dare I say it?) Out Of Control, Former U.S. Postal W orker, Completely Insane, Run Away Before It's Too Late FURY (tm)!!!!!
He raises his rifle, takes careful aim, and blasts Steve, Brian, and everyone else who ever competed in the Grudge Match (except for Mr. Clean, who is filming another commercial with the Japanese automoble industry) into little itty-bitty-teeny-weeny p ieces. His dirty work finished, he shoots himself in the head (like any normal psychopath would do).
And who was this insane wacko? He was a man, who was angry. Angry about never being respected. Angry about always playing not second but third banana. Angry about only being asked to work when there was more than three contestants or when one of th e hosts was on strike. I am, of course, talking about the one, the only, the Devil incarnate, SAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Jak the Duck
- MaggieMOO
Hands down, Steve is snoozing on a pile of wadded up newspapers while Brian is still jabbering away, not having noticed his victory.
- Whelk
All other groups that Steve and Brian have offended will then attack the computer nerds and torch Steve and Brian.
- The one who knows to much
- Vomit Death
- Carey C
"Thanks, Tim...I think."
"Al, what do we have for our audience today?"
"The Transportrix 2000, Tim. Our special guest, Mr. Lex Luthor, has connected a Binford 6100 Sub-Atomic Particle Accelerator and a Binford 6100 Anti-Photon Generator to a Binford 6100 Contrary Particle Detector, allowing him to...Tim, I don't remember see
ing this piece of equipment here before."
"That's because I took the liberty of giving this bad boy MORE POWER.[Grunt, grunt] I moved the Binford 6100 Arctic-rated Car Battery that powered the Transportrix 2000 over to the backup systems, and connected a new primary source. This is the Binford 6 100 Mighty Mouse Fusion Generator that I used to power the Tenth-Of-The-Speed-Of-Light-Wood-Chipper I used in my spanking of Bob 'The Fool Man' Villa in our Grudge Match, so we know that it's a solid piece of equipment. Now, since starting this up would i nterfere with the current match, we're just going to demonstrate a bench test for our audience today. Give me a hand with this control panel, Al."
"I don't think so, Tim", Al responds from behind a hastily overturned conference table.
"Hmm, I guess it's 'No flannel, no panel'. I think I can handle this...Now where's that test switch?"
Needless to say, Tim manages to blow the Transportrix 2000 to Smithereens: a little-known part of the eighth dimension where one can find most of his other projects and parts of downtown Baghdad. The explosion floods the room with Anti-Contrary Particles (a certified Star Trek Particle of the Week tm), thereby removing all conflict from the room. Soon every Grudge Match veteran (including Brian and Steve) is singing "Good Morning, Starshine" and saying "I love you, man" with motives completely untainted b y any craving for Bud Light. And so, the Grudge Match goes out with both a bang _and_ a whimper. This is unfortunate, because all of us Scots, especially (after Cousteau vs. Perkins) those like myself with French blood, wanted to see Brian pounded into so mething resembling Uncle Ben's Instant Haggis.
- Silverback- I'm from Maine, I just work in the 8th Dimension.
Winner is Lex Luthor.
- Noser the Fishless, Lowell MA
The Ballad of Brian and Steve
Come gather round, children
Of your senses take leave
and envision the battle
of Brian and Steve
'Twas a most fiendish plot
of Lex Luthor, that devil
Whose plans for our heroes
were not on the level
In the shadowy confines
of a distant dimension
he addresses a crowd
that is full of dissention
"The time is at hand
to issue reprieve
A fight to the death
between Brian and Steve!"
And with that he stops
The crowd roars it's approval
For they too would endorse
Our heroes' removal
For each precious life form
our heroes had wronged
had deeply and often
for swift revenge longed
'Tis certain, in this crowd
not one soul would grieve
at the untimely passing
of Brian or Steve.
"Steve will kick ass!"
said a sullen MacGyver
"Oh yeah?", remarked Kramer
"I'll bet you a fiver"
"This ought to be vicious!"
was heard from the crowd.
but to Jeffery Dahmer's dismay
biting wasn't allowed
The Red-shirted ensigns
wondered who would achieve
Victory, in the battle
of Brian and Steve
Colonel Sanders and Tarzan
were raring to go
Noting there was no beer
Homer Simpson yelled "D'oh!"
Doogie Howser was waiting
with forceps and gauze
but The Ghostbusters planned
to feed the loser to Jaws
And, as for the winner,
RuPaul planned to heave
him into Death Star,
be he Brian or Steve
King Midas had wanted
to give our heroes a thump
as Rush Limbaugh was held
back by Forrest Gump
Gary Coleman and Waldo
And the rottweiler, natch,
were ready to witness
this final "Grudge" match.
Soon one of our heroes
would resemble a sieve
riddled with stab-wounds
Is it Brian or Steve?
But as the combatants circled
Lex thought "This ain't right.
If these dopes should die
who would host the website?"
And just as our heroes
to battle were driven
Lex returned them to Earth
And all was forgiven
So there could be no winner
Or so I perceive
in the spectacular battle
of Brian and Steve.
- 1/2 Nelson
- Ian
The only possible explanation for this is that some kind of Grudge Match Jinx (tm) is in effect here. Something about the nature of the Grudge Match (tm) prevents anybody involved with it from acheiving victory.
But with both Steve and Brian unable to win, who does that leave? Again, the stats page provides an answer. For, although no person who has been commentator for two or more Grudge Matches (tm) has a winning record, "None of the Above", at 2-0, has the all time best Grudge Match (tm) record.
As I said, the stats tell it all. Steve and Brian are both unable to achieve victory, ending the contest in a draw. None of the Above wins. Lex is going to be unhappy...
- Greg
While Brian and Steve circle each other and trade banter, the denizens of this dimension will grow impatient. Before you know it, all the combatants are at each others throats again. A quick comment by Mr. T to Mr. Clean about the "butt whuppin" he got is all it takes to start it off. T lunges at Clean, Obi-Wan yells to Vader that his evil has come to an end, The Red Shirted Ensigns and John McClane attack the Storm Troopers, the yelping of 180lbs of chihuahuas can be heard, Webster throws a bottle of Jack Daniels at Gary Coleman, "dogs and cats living together...MASS HYSTERIA!!!!" (oops...sorry about that)
During all of this bedlam, two figures in the back of the room can be seen talking. Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder continue the debate as to who won the dart match. With their ref dead (Helen was mortally wounded during the first round of the dart match, as were a Red Shirted Ensign, Two Storm Troopers and one of the Chihuahuas), a winner could not be declared. Finally, Ray decides to strike a low blow and tells Stevie that his childhood pal Toppo Jijo was nothing more than a rat puppet. Dejected, Stevie goes to leave the lair. He steps over the remains of several Ensigns (victims of a plot between the chihuahua's and the Storm Troopers), Storm Troopers (victims of a plot between John McClane and the rotweiller), the entire A-Team (victims of poor writting) and the flattened Webster and Gary Coleman (fallen on by Mr. Clean). As he leaves he passes the Transportrix 2000 (tm) and trips over the lever....activating the machine and sending Steve and Brian back to the frozen tundra of Cornell before (LONG before that is) a punch can ever be thrown.
Lex is beside himself with anger for having failed to take into consideration the hatred the ex-competitors would still have for each other and most importantly ... failing to take into consideration "blind luck" on the part of Brian and Steve, thus making him a victim of his own curse as well as poetic justice...just like any good comic writer would want.
To top it all off, Lex is then jumped upon by an Alien, two acid resistant Raptors, three chihuahuas and a very pumped up Mr. Rogers.
Back in Cornell, Steve and Brian expouse on who would have won if the fight had gone on. The argument escalates until Brian swings at Steve, Steve trips as he attempts to return fire. Brian falls over Steves fallen body knocking himself out on a nearby table. Steve clunks himself with the monitor off his computer as he falls but retains consciousness....thereby winning by default.
NUFF SAID.
- THE Sandman
I mean, how else can I guage this? My usual channels of research are cut off, my usual methods of didactic severed. To whit:
1) compare the prequels/previous acting roles of the participants. Use the International Movie Database if I get really stuck
2) forrage through my encyclopaediac knowledge of every episode of every TV series each contender was in, looking for weaknesses (Aha! So the Fonz fears liver!)
3) make tenuous connections between each fighter and someone notable in their history/culture/cyber-genetic pool (yes, Johnny-5 probably had Intel inside and the associated floating-point errors just waiting to lobotomise him, but the Robot from Lost in Space had big clunk transistors, probably the odd vacuum tube)
4) point out how something similiar once happened in an old episode of Star Trek, and award the spoils to the fighter who most looks like Kirk.
So you see, you've cut me off at the knees, critically speaking. Neither of you are in a movie or TV series (of any notoriety), I know next to nothing of your culture (other than I bet you both have Dilbert cartoons on your cubicle walls) and I have no idea which one of you would more likely Speak! ...like This! and seduce alien women with beehive hairdos.
--John Hunter
Brian - a name reserved for four-eyed, cardigan wearing book worms who courageously battle cancer on Lifetime made for TV movies. Not a name you want to bestow on a child, unless you want them be come a librarian or start thier own gay rights organization.
Steve - a name usually associated with morons who still think it's hip to wear a lot of gold chains, hang out in cocktail lounges, and attempt to entice women with "Hey, baby, what's your sign?". However, Steves usually possess some measurable amount of testosterone, however minute, and have been exposed to violence, even if it is while getting thRown out of a bar for being a waste of a good bar stool.
The pond scum (Steve) gets an early groin shot, which really doesn't have much effect, but then manages to knock Brian's glasses off, which pretty much ends the fight. Afterwards, off course, Steve makes some ethnic remark to the residents of the neighborhood, and ends up spread in a thin red film over the rear wall of the alley.
- Ken
- Phil
meanwhile, an embarrassed silence settles over lex luthor and his audience. the observation arena seems, somehow, gloomier than it was just a few minutes earlier. "Umm, maybe if we gave them some better weapons," comments a bored john mcclain. "well, its worth a try." Lex turns and shouts, "wesly ... wesly crusher, we need you up here." wesly bounds up to the stage. lex draws a .44 magnum desert eagle, and blows crusher’s head clean off, showering the audience with blood-matted hair and chunks of skull and brain. the crowd goes wild. "yes, i think .44 magnums will do nicely," says lex, amongst the cheers of his fellow grudge contestants.
back in the alley, brian has grabbed the ruffles of steve's shirt and he pivots and twirls steve down the alley. unfortunately, he too loses his balance and stumbles backwards until he falls over an overturned garbage can. both contestants hear the not quite completely contained sobs of their adversary. suddenly, two identical .44 magnum semi-automatic pistols appear before them. they each simultaneously grab the weapons and stand up. after 30 seconds of struggling with the trigger, steve accidentally releases the safety and fires a round into the dumpster directly behind brian. a startled brian lets out an ear-splitting shriek and drops his pistol. the gun misfires, and the bullet hits a rope holding up the fire escape ladder over steve's head. the ladder crashes down behind steve with a tremendous clatter, just missing him. the emotional stress is finally too much, and steve faints into a crumpled mass.
"good god, close enough," comments a disgusted lex luthor, who sends brian back to the nurturing arms of his wife. lex pauses, and in an uncharacteristic wash of pity, returns steve to the kinder, gentler protection of the new york state correctional facility at attica.
just calling it like i see it.
- jeff
Perhaps therefor you can appreciate how I first thought this Steve and Brian are corrupting the Youth of America. I now learn that unlike Socrates, they know when to quit.
Later, with an Internet Access of my own, I was still harboring some terms of mild disapprobation toward these Steve and Brian guys. As I reread "Nye vs. Beakman" along with other classics, it was apparent these guys knew something about my Alma Mater. So I thought, "These guys might not really be so stupid, after all". Imagine my further surprise when I learned they had a major field which (in the words of my committee chairman), "Had some meat to it"! {This was the "Two Cultures" conflict raising its ugly head again}.
NOW, ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THE MATCH. It has to be STEVE. Why? Steve is getting his degree, while Brian still has his nose at the academic watering trough (I wonder if it is at public expense: the PUBLIC watering trough). It is STEVE who will win, for one of two possible reasons, either one of which overwhelmingly favors him.
The 1st possibility is that of the two, he is the more diligent, motivated, goal oriented, and perseverant. These traits clearly favor him in the Grudge Match. He knows what he wants and gets what he goes after.
On the other hand, he may possess none of these traits. Instead he has the exact opposite of them. He is sneaky, snobby, crafty, and imperious. How could such a person be getting his degree if this is the case? Well, it is a not too closely guarded secret that Committee Members sometimes conspire with one another: "Let's give him his degree and get him out of here".
Either way Steve has the edge.
- jeff's Dad.
Bad fights, you had a few, but then again, too few to mention,
You did what you had to do, and saw it thru' without exception,
You planned each scripted fight,
Each careful step of ev'ry Grudge Match.
And more, much more than this, you did it your way.
Yes there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When you bit off more than you could chew,
But thru' it all, when there was doubt,
You ate it up, and spit it back out.
You faced it all and you stood tall, and did it your way.
You've loved, you've laughed and cried, you've had your fill,
Your share of losing, and now, as tears subside,
You find it all so amusing.
To think you did all that, and may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, oh no not you, you did it your way.
For what are men, what have they got,
if not themselves, then they have not
To say the things they truly feel,
And not the words of newbies,
The record shows you took the blows, and did it your way
(pathetically reworded without permisson from "Old Blue Eyes")
- HotBranch!
If you STILL haven't had enough responses, then keep reading.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Gary Coleman v. Webster
Khan v. Lex Luthor
A Rottweiler v. A Rottweiler's weight in Chuihuahuas
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