The Slimy Colombian Drug Dealer™ collapses on the dock, the final kick to the gut being too much to take.

"Tie his hands, Jill," commands Sabrina. "We can call Bosley from the boat and see what Charlie wants us to do next."

"Do you think we'll just end up turning him over to the local police?" asks Kelly.

"No," responds Jill as she tightens the knots. "Bosley said that Charlie didn't want this guy turned over to the Miami cops. He's got too many connections down here." She grabs the drug dealer's hands and yanks him up. "On your feet, Mister!"

"Why thank you, ladies," says a voice from behind. The Angels turn to see two men in pastel clothing walking down the dock towards them. "It's always nice to have a little help." "We'll be taking Mr. Garcia with us now," adds the second one. "We've been after him for quite some time."

"And just who do you think you are?!" snaps Jill.

"I'm your dream come true, gorgeous," replies Sonny. "I'm also Detective Crockett of Miami Vice. This is my partner, Detective Tubbs. We have jurisdiction here, so unless you want to face obstruction charges, I suggest you hand him over."

"Well, we have our orders, too," replies Sabrina. "So he's coming with us."

"We'll just have to see about that, won't we?"

So, Brian, which set of sleuths can use strength, strategy and seduction to secure the South American scumbag?

BRIAN: Charlie's ladies will come away victorious, and they could do so with two angels tied behind their backs. Farrah "Jill" Fawcett could win this on her own. And I won't even have to count the fact that she was married to the Bionic Man.

If anyone is familiar with fighting, it's Farrah. She took plenty of abuse at the hands of Ryan O'Neal, and learned how to dish it out, too. She wasn't the only one that "walked into a door". Just a few years ago, she was beat up by her producer boyfriend, and she came back to his house with a baseball bat. When the pansy wouldn't come out of the house, she bashed in his car! And a lot of people don't know this, but Farrah's a bit of a firebug -- her TV movie "The Burning Bed" was actually a home video. She'll smell that volatile 80s mousse dripping off the vice boys' hair and she won't be able to control herself. If Pepsi's nearby, they might get a commercial out of it.

And her boyfriend wasn't the only producer she abused. After walking off the set of the show, she was sued for breach of contract, and yet ended up with fewer episodes and more money. That's not even fair. How will the vice boys stand up to this, especially when they are essentially outnumbered 9-1? In addition to the original 3 angels, 3 others appeared on the show, and now we can add in 3 more from the movie -- a cast that includes the international spy Mrs. King and Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. If the movie trio can bring in just a touch of their Matrix-esque™ moves, death will come swiftly.

Miami Vice, OTOH, is essentially a solo act. Phillip Michael Thomas? Who here thinks he should count? Did he even get any lines on the show? Nothing but a prime time stepchild. Don Johnson is the butt of a thousand jokes, but at least he gets work and Melanie Griffith. The best work Thomas has gotten since Vice was a sympathy guest spot on "Nash Bridges".

If this was 9-to-1 with Farrah being the one, we might have a good fight. But it's not, and we don't.

STEVE: So let me get this straight: There are three Angels, but you need only one, yet you are counting nine. Perhaps after you lose this match there'll still be time for you to hop onto the Al Gore bandwagon and assist in his Creative Math Department.

It's obvious that you have been brainwashed by the excessive hype that surrounds the new Charlie's Angels movie. If you look past the glitz and the obsession you have with Farrah Fawcett, careful analytical reason will show that the Miami Vice boys will be victorious.

Let's just look at the facts: Crockett: A tough guy with the stubble and the pet alligator to prove it. Tubbs: A black New York cop, has seen his share of violence. And they both are single-handedly taking down the drug empire of Florida. Now the Angels: Three ex-policewomen who couldn't hack their desk and crossing guard duties so have turned to hanging out with a closet homosexual (Mr. Bosley) and their never seen pimp, Charlie. I believe the Vegas Oddsmakers™ will back me up on the outcome of this particular match.

Of course it all doesn't matter anyway. Don Johnson's fashion nightmare is also a powerful weapon. Have you ever worn leather shoes without socks, especially in hot weather? The foot sweat combines with the toe jam and toenail fungus to form a damp festering jelly which is an unstoppable force. As soon as the wind shifts the right direction, the Angels will be hacking and coughing with tears in their eyes, and will be all too eager to give up Mr. Garcia in return for a little oxygen. Victory to Crockett and Tubbs.

BRIAN: Creative Math? Let's review: the Angels could win this match with only one, yet they have nine at their disposal. This is as complicated as balancing your checkbook. Is the Angels' geometric advantage too mind boggling for you?

Now... foot fungus?? That's the best you got? This match is going to be a bigger blowout than I first realized. Crockett & Tubbs biggest credit, apparently, is "single-handedly taking down the drug empire of Florida." Have you been to Miami recently, Steve? I'm thinking they came up a little short. So much so that Crockett actually decided to switch sides, joining forces with Cheech as a modern day version of Chong. (At least I assume that's a drug-laced show -- I can find no other way to explain it.)

The final blow in this match will be sex appeal. Any man The Charlie's Angels wanted, they had, used up, and threw away. I saw one episode where Kelly kicked Tom Selleck to the curb. Tom Selleck. There's a reason they call him "Magnum", you know. Well, in the 70s, Crockett and Tubbs were young and impressionable. How high are the chances that Donny had that famous Farrah Fawcett poster right over his bed? Those pubescent fantasies will come roaring back, and they will do anything to please their ideal women.

For the sake of argument, let's say that Crockett and Tubbs manage to compose themselves enough to try to use their sex appeal to take advantage of the situation. *snicker* Notice the fashion difference between the two groups: 70s vs. 80s. The girls may be a bit out of date, but their look will be familiar, plus guys don't really care. OTOH, the guys can be as cool and hip as they want to be, but that 80s look will be wasted on 70s babes. As the boys try to make their move, the girls can't help but point and laugh: "Did your razor break?" "Where are your socks?" "What color is that... coral? Are you wearing coral?" Perhaps the girls will be laughing so hard that the guys could sneak off with Garcia, but I wouldn't bet the farm on that one.

STEVE: Brian, you have to learn to draw the line between things that might actually have happened to you in the past when dealing with women as opposed to what happens in Hollywood. Just because the girls laughed at you when you wore coral doesn't mean that they'll behave the same way to Crockett & Tubbs. Crockett and Tubbs are cutting edge fashion to them, and being from California, they will feel an undeniable attraction to cutting edge fashion. Of course, I don't know why Crockett & Tubbs would want to bother with some washed up Disco queens, but that's their business.

Did you know that Don Johnson beat out Larry Wilcox (aka Jon Baker of Ponch & Jon CHiPs fame) for the role of Sonny Crockett? And Larry Wilcox was the fair-haired muscle-bound rodeo-riding plane-flying motorcycle-jumping goodwill-toting lady-catching crime-solving save-the-day-hero of the late 70's TV universe. There's no doubt he could do whatever he wanted to with the Angels. And Don Johnson is better than him! Obviously, even without Tubbs, Crockett could handle the Angels.

Finally, Don Johnson has one more trick up his sleeve. Did you know that he hosted the grand opening of Euro Disney™? He has Disney Power™, and can therefore do anything. He could coerce the Angels into leaving by giving them cute Mickey Mouse™ dolls. He could seduce them with his Euro-French accent. But most likely he will just shoot them dead on the spot, since Disney Lawyers will be there to get him off any murder charge. Simple, fast, worry-free.

And where's Tubbs in all of this? After the quick execution of the Angels, he returns to Europe to continue his illustrious German acting career and to hide from the authorities. Vorischt Miami Vice!

Thanks to "Smooge" for suggesting this match.

The Results

Charlie's Angels (616 - 54.8%)

squeeze

Miami Vice (508 - 45.2%)

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RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

The other guy from Miami Vice is pouring me coffee right now, and he has to pick up my dry cleaning and wash the car before he even THINKS of joining in your little "Grudge Match" (TM), boys.

- Akhamed -- the most powerful Car Wash owner in the Universe

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

It all has to come down to how each Group went out in the final Episodes of the series

MIAMI VICE: Crockett and Tubbs spend their last episode getting a Slimy Latin American Despot (or SLAD, for short) into court to testify against a South American Drug lord. After the SLAD does his job, we are treated to a chase scene that ends up with the SLAD getting on his water plane, and just when the SLAD and his cronies think they are getting away, who is standing there on the docks but Crockett and Tubbs, Blasting away with a Mac 10 and a Baretta 9mm. The plane, of course explodes! Crocket and Tubbs return to the station, give each other a hearty handshake, followed by a manly hug ("I'm huggin ya, but I'm hittin ya!") and the series ends.

So with Miami Vice's final ep, we get to see them put not one but two bad guys away for good (The south american drug lord gets sentenced to life in prison, the SLAD becomes fried fish food), we get a real good chase scene, and some decidedly non gay male bonding. truely an awesome ending for the defining series of the '80's

Charlies Angels: When confronting a suspected embezzler, Kelly is shot in the head. Kris, Julie and Bosley then proceed to give us another hour and a half of flash backs to the rest of the series. No new action, no exciting developments, just three chicks (oh come on, you know Bosley was gay!) crying and having General Foods International Coffee moments.

We are also teased with the prospect of finally seeing thier pimp, Charlie, as he comes to the hospital to be by Kelly's side, but the bastards decide to gyp us again by only showing the back of his head as he sits waiting for Kelly to wake up.

And when she does wake up, they all decide that they have done enough and close the doors to their office for good. When Crockett and Tubbs decided to move on, did the Miami Police department close up for good? No, they simply promoted two more guys (the not quite as popular Ernie and Bert) and went on with buisness as usual.

So basicly, the showdown on the docks would go down like this. Farrah Fawcett would get shot in the head, the other two would cry, then Crockett and Tubbs would shoot down a passing Gyrocopter with a drug smuggler in it, it would land on the rest of the Angels, and Crockett and Tubbs would have raised their cool by a factor of 10 by simultaniously A)getting what they came for, B)taking out ANOTHER drug lord, and C)ridding the world of three '70's Icons, which god knows we don't need any more of

- Big Time Danny Cool!!

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

On almost all possible fronts, the Angels and Crockett and Tubbs are too evenly matched to choose a definate winner. That leaves only a single determining factor: which series had the most beneficial effect on pop culture?
Charlie's Angels introduced T&A to prime-time television.
Miami Vice saught to teach the world that socks are an unnecessary fashion accessory.
Hell, I don't know about you guys, but for me nothing screams "Must See TV" like a pair of madly jiggling silicone enhanced breasts.
All not wearing socks in humid Miami weather screams is, "Tough- Actin' Tinactin!"

- Don "King" Milliken

Lets get 1 thing straight. Miami Vice is Nash Bridges. The concept is the same, the characters are the same, the story lines are the same. It is Don Johnson playing a Maverick Cop with a Minority Partner who fights crime in a cool car and changes the fashion code for a new generation. The Only difference is that Don now drives American. But Lets get to the fight.

Farrah Fawcett is the weak link in the Charlie's Angel chain, did you see her appearence on Lettermen. She is a complete idiot, you can't tell me she wouldn't foil her fellow angels with stupidity. Of course Miami Vice has it's own idiot in Phil Thomas. Anyone who would attempt a music career with that stupid song from the 80's. But wait didn't Don Johnson do the same thing?...Ah scary. Now the Angels had a virtually unlimited bank account and several cars. But Miami Vice had a freakin Croccodile. I don't care how much money you have a croc will kill you. It won't discriminate based on your income, it won't be bought off, it will simply eat you. Were are they now?, I don't know anyone who could accurately say where any of the Angels are now. Nobody knows or cares. But what about Don Johnson, he's riding high on Nash Bridges, in the TV Spotlight and dressing in style. Oh screw them all, where's Knightrider????

- Canadian Highlander

Apart from the clothes and style of the contestants this match will be swayed by what drives the characters. Crockett and Tubbs are both HARDENED police officers that are willing to bend the rules to get to the root of drug evil (shame they are fighting the drug barons and not government policy makers). Tubbs is not the weak link portrayed by Brian, he lied about who he was to avenge his brothers death (caused by Miami criminals), he has the eye of the tiger ™. Miami vice have a lot driving them. But this is not going to be enough to save their sorry @$$€$ when Charlie's Angels of Death descend upon them.

Lets look at the facts; 1. Mysterious boss who is never seen and refereed to as Charlie. 2. Waif like goddesses who pull off moves that would make men sell their mothers just to take them out on a date. 3. And incessant disco music. So what can we conclude from the facts? The main motivation for C's A is the need for drugs and hedonistic pleasure. Let me expand on the facts; 1. Charlie, obvious synonym for cocaine, wants the whole Florida racket for himself and has sent his killer babes to render the competition null. 2. These ladies are obviously doing drugs, need I remind you of the Heroin Chic phenomenon of the fashion industry. These models of destruction are going to feel no pain in combat and the right combination of speed and heroin will give them drug induced rage (pat. pen.), while not as powerful as The Rage™ will win out. 3. The ladies need disco music, why? Come on, we have all seen Boogie Nights.

With these facts in hand the Angels need to win or they are going to get their spandex covered booties hauled of to prison, where without their needed stimulants they'll be at the bottom of the jail-yard food chain. So at the end of the day Charlie is happy that two vice cops have been disposed of and the recent demise of the drug baron has increased his market share, and the girls will be doing lines of Mark Wahlberg's member.

- Fun For All

- The Bunyip

- JmanX - The X Stands For "Never Liked By Girls As A Kid"

- The Blue ONe

In the first place, let's see what kind of allies Philip Michael Thomas will bring to the contest . . . Well, none, actually, unless you want to include all the people he gets confused with because of his three names: Anthony Michael Hall, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kevin Peter Hall, and for all I know probably Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wayne Gacy. Big whoop. Thomas is the black hole of the entertainment business; his career is deader than Abe Vigoda. Bury him next to Eric Estrada and F. Murray Abraham in the Pet Cemetery.

As far as Don Johnson is concerned, who DOESN'T hate him by this time? Cheech? That dope-smoking slacker? He'll be out buying Doritos when it's combat time. Your career's not here, man. Yasmine Bleeth? Airhead. She ought to change her name to Yasmine *Bleatch*. Besides, any jiggle factor she has going for her will be counteracted by the Angels. Jodi Lyn O'Keefe? She plays his daughter and he's sleeping with her in real life (I always knew that Johnson was an incestuous pederast).

In the "who HATES Don Johnson" column," however, we have quite an assortment: everybody that smirking shithead has called "Bubba" during the run of "Nash Bridges" (too numerous to name), his ex-wife Melanie Griffith, her new husband Antonio Banderas (who was an assassin AND Zorro), and G. Gordon Liddy (ruthless ex-FBI agent, Watergate conspirator, and rat-eater). Lining up on their side will be Farrah Fawcett (who will burn ol' Don up in his own bed if he falls asleep), Jaclyn Smith (played Jackie O., so that gets JFK, the Secret Service, AND Aristotle Onassis pissed at Johnson), and Kate Jackson (played Mrs. King, so the Scarecrow and all of his goverment spies are after Johnson as well).

As long as we're at it, let's put the casts of "Hotel" and "The Streets of San Francisco" on the side of the Angels, since Johnson makes them all look bad by association, plus Bullitt and Dirty Harry. Nothing left for Johnson to do but throw himself off the Golden Gate Bridge--if the bridge will have him.

- Deacon

- Noman

And oh yeah, the match! It's really a shame that this isn't a political bout as it comes on the eve of the U.S. presidential election, but even here politics will make the difference. Let's think this through: Crockett and Tubbs are cops... Miami cops. Who else is from Miami? General Janet Reno. Unfortunately Crockett and Tubbs' sense of fashion disqualifies them from serving in Reno's goon squad. Hence, they don't really come with any firepower.

If this were the "new" Charlie's Angels, with all three girls having endorsed Gore, this match would have been decided by Clintonomics and fallen squarely with Miami Vice. But these are the original Angels, with Farrah Fawcett, who was last seen at the Republican National Convention. Turns out that Fawcett is a member of the National Rifle Association (and she also brings fellow Republican muscle Rick Schroeder and WWF's The Rock). Kate Jackson, it should be pointed out, later went on to become a high-ranking intelligence agent during the Reagan administration (while also a single mom, which is pretty dangerous anyway). What happened to Crockett and Tubbs? Don Johnson's hanging around with Cheech Marin waiting for both their careers to come out of narcolepsy.

What starts out as a simple male/female trial of testosterone becomes, instead, a cosmic battle between the merits of liberalism and conservatism. Bosley swoops down in a helicopter and the Angels take the drug lord away while Crockett and Tubbs are still trying to undo the government-mandated triggerlocks on their guns.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight: actually, I kinda like Cheech. And I voted Alfred E. Neuman for president (my girlfriend will vouch for it :-)

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

- Matthew an angry Scotsman from Cornell

Consider the two teams: While Crockett and Tubbs have the advantages of toughness (any guy who keeps a full-grown alligator as a pet and is not Steve Irwin has to be tough indeed), cool boats, and great theme music, they are hindered by Don Johnson and his love affair with booze. In fact, Johnson has fallen off the wagon so many times he has road rash. Then, if the tabloid reports are to be believed, he seems to get nuttier as time goes on. As for his cohorts, the other actor from the show is such a nobody that many people even forget his name. He will not be much of a factor in this match. One of their bosses at the police station was played by Edward James Olmos, a distinguished actor who unfortunately bears a bit of a facial resemblance to Manuel Noriega. Despite his dramatic skills, he won't make much of an impression on the Angels.

Now consider the Angels team. First off, since the match only invoked the original Angels, I am leaving out the movie Angels. The Angels have a weak theme song and don't have cool boats. But they do have something in common with Team Miami Vice. Farrah fills the Don Johnson role quite well, as anyone who has witnessed her incoherent appearance on Letterman can attest. Then there is her "painting" video. Definitely a few Krispy Kremes short of a dozen. But the other characters more than make up for this weakness. For example, when I was in junior high, there was a history teacher who had a major crush on Kate Jackson (who played the plainest of the Angels). If a woman like that could inspire rabid fanaticism, there must be something powerful about her indeed. Then let's not forget Charlie. He was played by none other than John Forsythe, a senior citizen with a Mentos(tm) level of coolness. Even Crockett and Tubbs on their best day couldn't match it. Finally, it must be remembered that "Charlie's Angels" was produced by Aaron Spelling, one of the toughest TV producers around. He doesn't get mad - he gets even, often in a manner that is humiliating to the target of his rage. And that is just to people who dare criticize him in magazine interviews. What he would do if he got The Rage(tm) is kind of horrific to contemplate, but it would surely wipe out Crockett, Tubbs, and even Elvis the Alligator. So despite being closely matched, the Angels will prevail in this matchup.

- The Demented Astronomer

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee

- Zhirrzh

Now, Brian pointed out that the Angels defeated Tom Selleck, aka Thomas Magnum. Therefore, the Angels must be supreme in this Glamorous PD universe. Besides, who's going to vote against the Angels? If anyone has the Babe Factor™ going for them, it's the Angels. They are the Babe Factor™. If the American People™ (I'm not one of you, but I know my target voter demographic) let that influence their viewing, they can certainly let it influence their voting.

- The Nestbeschmutzer (now with 30% extra Schwung)

- Mary :)
AKA The Chick With The Calculator-Watch, Apprentice Jedi
Maintaining the Illusion of Political Power (written 11-7-00)

Like, I recall they'd have some sort of case, and then it would turn out that the guy got off on a technicality, or something, and one of the cops would go out on his speedboat and ponder.

Or maybe I'm confusing Miami Vice with some of the more introspective episodes of Spenser: For Hire. But I don't care, I remember hating that show. Besides, 3 to 1 odds! No contest!

- Denis "where's the Dirty Pair when we need them" Moskowitz

...who'm I kidding. There's only one group here that would look good in bikinis. And in the Grudge World, isn't that all that really matters in the end?

- MonkeyDog

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

- James

Kate Jackson: can summon Bruce Boxleitner of "Babylon 5" fame

Farah Fawcett: Lee Majors, The Fall Guy

Jacklyn Smith: um, I'm at a loss. I imagine she's been on some movies on "Lifetime" but that's about it. Let's assume she's off hawking her line of KMart fashions.

So we're left with Crockett / Tubbs versus Boxleitner / Majors. Davy Crockett is a better shot than John Sheridan, and Wash Tubbs is a better musician than Colt Seavers. Therefore, any Crockett / Tubbs team-up is going to come out on top.

- Lou the Inscrutible

- Mike

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Just for the record, the Angels did (at least on occasion) carry guns. There was some confusion on this issue. -- Eds.

You just know that some sick bastard will make a link (however weak) between Charlie's Angels and the nation's toughest female law enforcer. How many impressionable minds will be irrevocably DESTROYED when this demented individual is allowed to permanently etch the mental image of a bikini-clad Janet Reno striking a pose with a .44 Magnum?

Are you ready to accept the responsibility of having unleashed such a sick individual on your masses of readers?

I thought not... <grumble>I guess I have to be the one who keeps a lookout for the sick bastard...

- HotBranch!

- The Admiral

Most of us have blocked it from our mind, but back in the early MTV era, record executives had come up with the hypothesis that they could make anyone a star, as long as they looked good. They just needed to test this theory. That's how Don Johnson wound up with a record contract, and a hit single. I've heard it. It hurts. All Don Johnson has to do is put in a tape of his song "Heartbeat" and the Angels, still recovering from the disco era, will be devastated. They'll be crushed into Angel dust. And if there's any still standing, well, it gets even worse... I was really rooting for them, too, but that's the way it goes. On the plus side, Charlie's Angels in Miami, Florida means skimpy bikinis. :)

- Infraggable Krunk

- Vermin Boy

(Pathetically Wussy Cops) + (3 Incredibly Hot Beach Girls)=?

After a racious comment from the stupid kid in the back, a little kid who is wearing Kevin McCallister's beanie pipes up. "Oh, that's easy! An episode where Sonny and Tubbs both get involved in a love pentagram with the Angels!" Teacher: "Very good, Tommy. By the way, there's some blood on your cap. Moving along, please look at problem 2"

{(Patherically Wussy Cops) + (3 Incredibly Hot Beach Girls)} - (Casualties of (Love Pentagram + Guns + Cocaine))=?

Everyone in the class is quietly scribbling away at their paper. Suddenly, a little girl raises her hand. Teacher: "Yes, Jessica?" Jessica: "Sonny and Tubbs get bummed out when they realize that they are both trying to date Charlie's Angels. They get into the cocaine that is undoubtedly still in the trunk of their car, get high, and shoot each other." Teacher: "Very morbid, but true, Jessica. OK, everyone, open your TV Guides. Jimmy, could you please read the Falcon Crest passage aloud? (Under breath) There has GOT to be a better way of teaching sex ed..."

- The Mad Josher

- D-kun, glad Culkin got brained

- Mr. Silverback- Head Football Coach at the Electoral College.

- (A very pissed off) Jessie Calliopa

- The Animator

A short run-down of our competitors' respective names should reveal which team the HMT damages the most: Charlie's Angels: Jill- Other than the connection to the infamous Home Improvement (although Tim Allen/Taylor did thrash Bob Vila in Grudge Match Part III(tm)), a relatively common name. In addition, the Babe Factor(tm) of Jill's alter ego, Farrah Fawcett, easily counters the HMT's assault on her last name. The Theorem's destructive energy is more or less neutralized here. Kelly- Oh, crap. A major Married With Children(i.e. Kelly Bundy) connection here. Fortunately, the amount of Big Hurt(tm) the HMT dishes out is again weakened by the public's fading memory of that show. This hurts the Angels, but not fatally. Sabrina- A connection to a certain TGIF show which I'm sure most Grudgies remember. Overall, an entertaining, if cheesy, part of the TGIF lineup. However, if you've ever suffered through FOX's horrible commercial for its reruns of Sabrina, you know the Theorem is gonna run rampant here. (Since I haven't seen the movie yet, I can't really factor the names of those 3 Angels into this equation.)

Now for Miami Vice: Sonny Crockett- Ouch. On the one hand, a Sonny and Cher (does this really deserve a tm?) connection. On the other hand, a connection to the Davy Crockett legend-and that horrendous Disney(tm) tune for the show ("Killed a 'bar when he was only three...") If I really have to mention what the Theorem'll do here, the Grudge Panel(tm) has finally burned out their remaining 40 brain cells. Tubbs- A dual connection to a popular bathroom appliance(really-how cool, even by 80's standards, is that?) and a short, bug-eyed sidekick from a 1940's comic strip known as Captain Easy(take this any way you want). Again, ouch.

The End Result(tm): 2 of the 3 Angels are hamstrung by the HMT's wrath, but Jill/Farrah remains a very able competitor. Our courageous pair of Vicers on the other hand, are thoroughly tenderized by the Theorem, and it's really a mercy disposal when Farrah opens a keg of Whoop-@$$ on 'em. Aren't Complex Non-Academic Analyses(R) fun?

- Sean, Ian Malcolm's Chaotician Academy Master's Degree-owning Hammel

- Roger Alicea

Miami Vice Total: Children with at least 6 different women. Multiple women abandoned, seduced, used, abused and thrown away.

Charlie's Angels : 7+ Husbands, multiple abandonments, beaten, abused, used and thrown away.

-bullseye

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

- Wubbie

- Amish Commando

- Brian C. Strock, esq.

- Grandpa

- UberDude

Anyone who's been following the news for the past two weeks has heard the word 'chad' more than they ever expected to, in connection with the Presidential election. It is suddenly clear: this is no bimbo movie, it's an astonishingly prescient allegory on the Florida election crisis, and by extension, so must this match be.

So, who represents whom? Since Drew does, in fact, like the Chad (she's ****ing him violet in real life), it follows that the Angles represent the Democrats. It fits: women like Democrats (dust off those knees, girls), and if, as the commentary asserts, Bosley is gay, that only strengthens the connection. Steve's linking of Brian with Al Gore and his Creative Math clinches matters. Angels=Gore.

That leaves Crockett and Tubbs as the Republicans, which also works. Crockett is a white male, who prospered in the 80s and fell on hard times in the 90s. Tubbs represents black conservatives: they get no respect, and most people don't know they exist. Vice Squad=Bush.

So who wins our Grudge Match? That's easy: nobody. This match will be in court until the lawyers' fees suck away every cent that's been re-filling the Sedate Vlad fund since we embezzled it for the Boxers/Wrestlers match. Then they'll go after our actual assets, including the chihuahuas and inflatable Mr. T dolls in our corporate headquarters in HotBranch!'s basement.

Enjoy the next match. It may be our last.

- Call me Shane

- Mark Wentz

-Jeffrey

- Mike Leung

At this point, I ask all people reading this from college libraries (you know, on the computers meant for Serious Research) to hunt down the following journal article: [ Kenrick, D.T., & Gutierres, S.E.(1980). Contrast effects and judgments of physical attractiveness; When beauty becomes a social problem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 38, 131-40. ] This article describes an experiment in which the researchers barged in upon dorm students watching "Charlie's Angels" and asked them to describe the attractiveness of a photographed Real Female. Compared to the control group, Angel afficionados judged an average woman to be significantly less attractive. The implications are serious. The '70s "sexual revolution" encouraged young women to stop hiding their sexuality, but a side-effect is that the phenomenon stretched into the popular media, such that the female population now had to compete against TV's impossible ideals. "Charlie's Angels" were the most blatant examples of this problem, earning The Rage(tm) of countless Real Women, wrath that continues to this day...

Embittered women across the Sunshine State pick up the telephones, acknowledge the tip-off, and converge upon the battlesite from every geographical and ideological direction. The Angels look up from the druglord to see womens'-issues activists of every stripe, from NOW led by Gloria Steinhem to fans of "The First Wives' Club" to Palm Beach County's 3000 Buchanan voters led by Dr. Laura, all eager to give these home-breaking hussies a severe pummelling (or worse). In a rare moment of historical perspective, the Angels empathize with the German High Command facing the capitalist West and communist Russia - you don't expect the Alliance to last long, but you sure don't want to get caught in the middle! Even if the Angels can withstand the initial assault, remember that we're talking about Florida here. The natives are free to order re-matches until they get the results they want. Nuts, they might even order a WWWF re-vote! [Note: edit for length (e.g. "Kenrick & Gutierres, 1980" for full APA citation) as you see fit.]

- Matt Bricker

THE FINAL WORD...

Gay liberation or feminism, eh? Tough call.

- Rainwoman

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

MacGyver v. A-Team
Jeannie v. Samantha
Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman

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Next Match: The battle for the universe
ETA: Monday, November 20th, 2000