Washington, D.C., July 2nd, 6:00 PM -- "Livin' La Vida Loca...". The Ricky Martin express continues to roll on unabated here on the Washington Mall. Although the heartthrob pop performer notices that the crowd seems a little more drunk and surly than usual tonight, he remains confident and smiling. If only those stage lights weren't so bright, he might be able to get a better look at them. But no matter. He is the hottest commodity in the whole world right now and the promoters had promised him an obscene amount of money on top of this concert forever making him famous the world over. What could possibly go wrong?
As he finishes up, the loudspeakers come to life. "Before we move onto the main event, let us all rise for the singing of the national anthem!"
"All right, D.C.!" Ricky yells into the microphone. "Let's do it one more time, with love!" However, instead of the Star Spangled Banner, the band starts into the 15th rendition of "La Vida Loca", the only song Ricky is trained to perform. Ricky shortly notices a small red bead target directly on his chest, soon joined by a second and a third. In an instant, the place where the singer was standing is filled with a lethal stream of large-caliber bullets, several large fireballs, a dozen exploding arrows and a flood of unidentifiable green liquid. Unfortunately, the song continues for another 15 seconds until a bazooka takes out the lip sync machine, as well as most of what remained of the stage.
The crowd goes wild.
After about five minutes of jubilation, the loudspeakers break in and bring the attendees to silence.
"Welcome to the FIRST ANNUAL WWWF GROUND ZERO TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS! We have gathered together the eight champions that you wanted in a battle royale!"
After the fanfare dies down, the announcer continues. "First, we would like to thank our sponsor, Moron Disaster Insurance ('Insuring the incredibly stupid for over 25 years') who paid for the opening entertainment. And let's not forget the city of Washington, which by hosting the fight, has insured a minimum of innocent casualties."
"And next, we present the championship trophy, the WWWF BOWL!" Carried out by 4 men dressed in tuxedos and wearing white gloves and clown wigs, a magnificent gold plated toilet with a silver handle is presented to "oohs" and "ahs".
"And now, what you have been waiting for - the contestants!"
Climbing up from the Tidal Basin, the pounding of the gigantic lizard's feet shakes the earth. Suddenly, thousands of Asian lobbyists flee in all directions, leaving trails of money in their wake. Covered with junk from the Potomac plus Pamela Anderson's bra for good luck, Godzilla gives out a tremendous roar and then roasts the garbage off his skin with his atomic breath, wiping out about 3 dozen cherry trees and the White House "cigar" stash in the process.
The Satellite of Love appears overhead, moors itself to the Washington Monument, and lowers a ridiculously long rope. Mike, Tom Servo and Crow, all dressed up as various action heroes, rappel safely to the ground. Covered with body armor made up of old VHS video tapes and film canisters and armed with exotic looking "ray guns" and "Spatulas of Death," the MST3K crew quickly rendezvous with Joel Hodgson, who is sporting his latest invention exchange - the combination Salad/Anti-Matter Shooter.
The sound of horse hooves are in distance. To a rousing chorus of "God Save the King," King Arthur and his loyal knights ride, er, skip over Capitol Hill followed by an equal number of servants banging coconuts halves. An impressive army of pikemen, knights, barnyard animal catapults and other assorted extras from the movie marches behind them. Arthur lifts Excalibur in the air and shouts, "As the representative of God and all that is good and righteous, we shall claim this holy vessel! But after tea. Everybody take three." "Five, sir." "O shut up!"
Materializing from the shadows, Death silently shuffles toward the remains of the late Ricky Martin. After a brief hesitation to consider if he wishes to touch such a foul thing, he demands his weapon from several servants who suspiciously look like IRS agents. Gracefully he swings his giant scythe, and a serenade of screams of the dead echoes briefly through the city. As his two servants clean his weapon, he mercilessly gives them each a melvin.
The engine noise of Slave 1 drowns out the crowd as he makes a perfect landing on the White House lawn. The galaxy's greatest bounty hunter steps off his ship, Wookiee scalps hanging from his belt, and the Predator's head topping a pike in his hand. "I had a bounty on that singer," Boba Fett hisses menacingly through his mask. "Someone is going to pay...."
Transporter beams sparkle to life in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Spock, equipped with both hand phaser and tricorder, scans the surrounding area in his typical detached fashion. Surrounding him are 25 red-shirted ensigns which Kirk insisted he bring with him for protection during this most dangerous mission. One ensign immediately trips and is impaled on a very sharp blade of grass, reducing his escort by one. However, Spock immediately has the surviving two dozen in line with their futuristic weapons at the ready, and begins logically planning his strategy.
From RFK stadium, 80,000 enraged English Soccer Hooligans stream onto the adjacent streets. As the mob envelops several city blocks, the area is flooded with the drunken warbling of drinking songs accompanied by a broken beer bottle and projectile vomiting orchestra. Untouched nearby buildings and automobiles spontaneously burst into flames from mere proximity. Sold phony tickets to a non-existent France vs. England match in the Women's World Cup, in a stadium that only holds two-thirds their number, they are in an especially bad mood.
Two Men In Black step out of the Air and Space Museum. "Um, K, are you sure we can handle this?" asks J. "Nothing I haven't had to deal with before, kiddo," K responds dryly. "300 foot lizards? Medieval knights with coconuts? DEATH?" "Sure, you should have been around in 1975, slick." "English Soccer Hooligans?" "OK, that's different. But I think that ole Betsy here can handle it," says K as he pumps his weapon. "I love my job."
The announcer shouts "Gentlethings, start your whoop-***!!!" -- and then runs for cover.
So, WWWF fans, only one side can prevail. Choose the crowd, creature, critics, cutthroat, commander, cops, crusaders or corporeal entity that torches its opponents first.
Due to the Panel members putting themselves in the hospital fighting over who would win this match, our usual commentary has been cancelled. You're on your own. Considering that the size of an eight-way commentary would be so huge as to make your browser top heavy and cause serious injury when your monitor fell on top of you, consider yourself blessed.
As to not tamper with the voting, the results on the TOC nomination vote will not be revealed until the next match. We couldn't make your choice that easy.
And finally, we would just like to remind all of you out there that space in the final response file is limited and that brevity is the soul of wit. If you feel inspired to write a long response for this special event, we encourage you to do so. But remember that there may be quite a few long analyses submitted and some of the longer responses may be edited for length or unceremoniously cut. You have been warned.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section |
Tell a friend about this match
Folks, we have good news and we have bad news. First the good news. The incredible response to this match topped 364K of pure text (for the unitiated, that's over 200 type written pages) which shatters all previous records by at least 100K! To accomodate this deluge of interest, we have included more than double the normal quota of responses and have expanded the results to three pages! Good work!
Now the bad news. Even with the expanded results page, the Iron Fist(tm) still mercilessly cut 65% of all the responses. Lots of good responses that would normally make it were cut, including the Poobah himself. We would like to apologize for any good responses that were unfairly eliminated. Of course, after reading 200 pages of responses twice, breathing (nevermind editing) is an accomplishment...
Take note that the responses (excluding the Grudgies™) are placed in chronological order. Responses on page 2 are just as good as the page 1 responses, they just arrived later on.
The Mall is littered with the bodies of spectators and competitors alike. Directing the phasers of the Enterprise (What, you thought he left the driving to Greyhound?) with pinpoint accuracy, Spock has stunned all of them, even Godzilla, though he had to bank a shot off James Carville's head into the roof of the big lizard's mouth to bring him down. The Redshirts lie beneath the mighty Nipponese Nightmare, crushed into Plot Device Pate'. Spock gazes at his last remaining opponent, the only one who couldn't be felled with a phaser: Death.
The Reaper speaks first. "Don't think that you can cheat me twice, Spock. The WWWWF Bowl is rightfully mine."
Spock arches an eyebrow. "I fail to see any need that a noncorporeal being might have for a plumbing fixture. The toilet in my quarters is woefully inadequate in light of my vegetarian diet. I can never quite flush the corn. My need is greater."
Death is characteristically silent for a moment. "I've got nothing I can answer that with. That's a fate worse than anything I could do to you. Go on, take the darn thing." Disgusted, he disappaears. Pleased, Spock beams himself and his prize up to the ship. Death exacts a price for the victory, though, removing his power from Captain Kirk's toupee, a former Rigellian Venomous Devil Squirrel. Suddenly alive and madder than Joan Crawford at a dry cleaner's, it turns Kirk's head into a billboard for Curad, which is basically what Rigellian Venomous Devil Squirels do to fill up the time between wrestling pay-per-views.
- Mr. Silverback- Happy Independence and Canada Days. May the Eagle and the uh, Winged Moose forever fly in freedom.
King Arthur and his knights would win easily. Godzilla is essentially a dragon. When knights and dreagons meet, the dragon always looses. I won't even bother giving explanations for why the various groups of geeks from the ninties would lose. Death is no challenge, because Lancelot has already defeated him. Spock's Vulcan Nerve pinch is useless against three feet of steal. Finally, Boba Fett has a voice in capable of the musical number required at the end.
"A law was made a distant complicated-moons-cycle ago here! Strangely-named-months-in-our-hotter-drier-seasons must be way-to-hot! And there's a legal limit of-no-snow here! In Tatooine!"
He just couldn't sing it. Now if you don't mind, I must attend to my vacation, Avalon is just lovely this time of year.
- Lady Belegwen Lightningblade
Simple ... Death conjures up the spirits of Ricky Martin and the lip sync machine, forcing them into an unprecedented SIXTEENTH rendition of "La Vida Loca" (a level that the human - or reptilian or robotic or Vulcan - ear is not designed to handle), causing all the other combatants to take their own lives in a desperate attempt to escape the dreaded Latin beats ...
Of course, since they DID commit suicide, they all wind up in the Sixth Circle of Hell, where "La Vida Loca" plays NON-STOP for the rest of eternity ... ah, such bitter irony.
- Alessandro 3:16
Ladies and Gentlement, there can only be one victor- Boba Fett. Here is why.....
I submit for the Tribunal(tm)'s consideration this startling, yet undenyable fact: BOBA FETT IS DEATH. In fact, he is Death's Evil Alter-Ego, the Ever-Feared, Ever-Powerful "Fate-WORSE-Than-Death" (tm). Ask any of the many criminals, marauders, and other ne'er-do- wells he has been contracted to locate: the cold, empty stare of the Mandalorian Armor that IS Boba Fett it like staring into the empty eyes of death itself- and far more frightening, because you can never be quite sure if he'll kill you, or drag you back alive, kicking and screaming, to whoever wanted you in the first place. Thus, being the embodiment of Deaths EVIL self, Boba Fett and his Immortal counterpart would be the only 2 left standing... sensing that a physical battle would be pointless, the 2 would then proceed to play some neutral game, such as Parcheesi, to determine the victor. boba Fett, being the EVIL incarnation of Death, would naturally cheat, thus defeating Death and winning the day....
If not, he could probably just challange Death to a Staring Contest (tm), and win that way...... I think even DEATH would have a hard time staring at that Helmet without blanching.
- D@t@-Kun
- Bjmmn (the guy with the second red dot aimed at Ricky's chest)
1. Boba is evil. He had to be warned by Darth Vader not to disintegrate the people he hunts. And Vader's pretty evil to begin with, even though George Lucas is trying to make us think otherwise in The Phantom Menace. Boba will walk in and begin blasting, liquidating every single competitor and probably half of the fans t'boot.
2. Like any good Apprentice Jedi, I am scared of disintegrators. Mind tricks do not work against a disintegration ray. And my lightsaber's not done yet.
3. And besides, I voted for him first. :)
- Mary :)
AKA The Chick With The Calculator Watch, Apprentice Jedi
ROUND 1:
Arthur and his knights will recognize fellow-countrymen in the Hooligans, and Arthur will foolishly try and use his "King of all Briton" speech again to try and muster the troops. The drunken hooligans, having zero respect for authority, will barely spare a moment trampling the entire lot of 'em to wonder why the queen is out of her dress. Winner: Hooligans
Meanwhile, the MIB will be scanning for what they take out best, aliens. They'll have quite a lot of choices: Godzilla, MS3K, Spock, and Fett. Since Godzilla isn't an alien, and the 3 robots in MS3K aren't all that threatening, it'll come down to Fett and Spock. They'll take on Fett, mainly because he's breaking the most galactic laws with his guns, armor, and big ship. This one will be tight, but it's two super-armed people (ok, 1 and a half) against one super- armed person, and Fett will go down. Winner: MIB
Death will be leisurely wandering the ensuing madness looking for what he likes best, souls. Whilst trolling, he'll come upon Spock, which will interest him in 3 ways. 1)Spock is an alien, an unusual treat for the black cloaked one. 2)Vulcans live forever (almost) as shown by Spocks being in no fewer than 6 movies and 2 series of Star Trek, spanning what must be a zillion years. 3)Death will be able to gather a pile of easy carry-out souls in the red-shirted feast gathered around Spock. Spock may even manage to squeeze out a tear on this one. Winner: Death
Finally, MS3K being the B-rated movie buffs they are will know every in and out of Godzilla's limited bag of tricks, and will move in to take care of him by dressing up as those annoying teeny-tiny twin asian girls and convincing Godzilla that there's a bigger-chested woman out there who needs some lizard-love. Since Pam-Lee has recently reduced her tracts-of-land (TM), much to the annoyance of the big G, he'll fall for it. Winner: MS3K by default.
Round 2
MIB will turn to find the next alien to shut down, and since the field has been massively reduced, they'll pick out the robots in MS3K as their target. There's no B-Movie tricks to save them this time. Winner: MIB
Death will also be on the lookout for more souls, and the Soccer Hooligans, in their drunken brawling and staggering, will be easy pickin's. Winner: Death
Round 3
Death vs. MIB.
Sorry to say, but J and K... just ain't no way.
And the NEW CHAMP-EEEN, the dark cloaked wonder from WAY down under: Death.
- RITH
Godzilla -----------------> Movie
King Arthur & Knights ----> Movie
Death --------------------> Movie
Boba Fett ----------------> Movie
Spock --------------------> Movie
Men in Black -------------> Movie
The MST3K guys have been wasting movies for years. Each of the above hold no hope in the face of a one-line wise crack from Joel, Mike and the Bots. The only remaining contestant is the group of English Soccer Hooligans. This, of course, means defeat for our Satellite of Love crew, for they have never faced real live opponents in a fight to the death. Fear not! The MST3K guys can't die because although they talk tough they are just a bunch of pansies at heart. They beat a hasty retreat into orbit and watch the Hooligans burn D.C. to the ground in search of beer, women, something to do, and attention.
- Paul "Master of Disaster" Rulis
After Godzilla melts Crow and Tom Servo, he remembers that in America they hated his movie, unlikely the nice people of Japan who worship him. So he starts to takeout buildings and the audience. By doing so he steps on all of the holigans and knights except one, Sir Robin. He has been bravely running away and Spock uses his cowadice to implant his mind in Robin's midieval brain. Death takes out all of the Red-shirts and begins to chase Sir Robin. However Robin will never give up his fleeing and Death is counted out. This leaves the MIB and Fett to take out Godzilla, however MIB and Godzilla work for the same Studio (Columbia tm), so they must protect the big guy.
How does it end? Well while K and Godzilla start to attack, J is suddenly sent back in time to the old west and never returns. Without J, K suddenly loses all of his memories and runs away. Now most would think that Godzilla wouldn't need help in taking out one guy. But this is Boba Fett, he has a Wookie head on his belt!!! after a few minutes of chaos, a small spaceship is seen flying into space towing a giant lizard head and cup is mounted on the dashboard.
- Tom (knight of Dogbert)
Hooligans stampede out of the Mall looking for bars, pubs, and any European to insult. King Arthur and Knights get swept along with the crowd as they "Run away!!" from Godzilla. MiB tries to stand up to the rampaging crowd, ala their stance against the crashing spaceship in the movie. It doesn't work this time. Even though they fire wildly and take out a fair portion of the crowd, the rest trample them as they disappear into the city. That's three of the eight gone right away.
Spock's redshirts all meet various hideous deaths from the crowd, the wild shots from the MiB, Godzilla's breath, exploding rocks... Spock walks up to Godzilla to try to mindmeld with it, ala his meld with the Horta. It doesn't work this time. Godzilla thinks Spock is coming on to him and, out of loyalty to Pamela, toasts him.
Boba Fett, thinking he's got something to prove after that whole Saarlac thing, tries to go one-on-one with Godzilla. He doesn't fare any better this time. Boba quickly finds out that even the Saarlac's digestive system is better than Godzilla's.
That leaves three sets of contestants: Godzilla, Death, and MST3K. Mike and the bots, being no fools, have found seats in the audience and are MiSTing the whole thing. They focus much of their attention on Godzilla, since they've seen him twice before and know his weaknesses. It isn't long before their jokes and gibes reduce him to tears, and he creeps off, whimpering, to try to find comfort with Pamela.
Thus, we're down to Death and MST3K. Now, Death could kill them, but that would actually be a victory for Mike and the bots-- no more bad movies to suffer through! Besides, Joe Don Baker would be very cheesed--with their deaths would go any opportunity for him to get his revenge on them. (Not that he could, mind you, but he harbors a lot of illusions.) So, after one long look, Death heads off in search of the hooligans--they'll give him a lot more action anyway. That leaves Mike and the bots in sole possession of the arena cum Mall, and the victors of this ultimate Grudge Match.
- Bookworm
Death gets his sickle back from his new slaves, and makes for us all
Instant Juliened Vulcan Fries with a side serving of Ensign Burger.
Exit Spock.
Godzilla matches up with the English Soccer Hooligans, and while
putting up a desperate and valiant fight, the Hooligans manage to
capture his silicone-implanted bride, thus forcing his surrender.
Exit Godzilla.
The Men in Black see the guys from MST3K, and note their alien
appearance. They use the neurolyzers to force them off of whatever
high from the drugs they have been taking, then blessedly use their
big guns to spill those freaks' guts across Washington.
Exit MST3K.
Boba Fett breaks out his sawed-off heavy repeating blaster, and
proceeds to blow smoking craters into King Arthur's knights. Not
only does he manage to kill all of the knights, save Sir Robin, who
bravely ran away, but he scores Excalibur. "Yessss...."
Exit King Arthur and Knights.
The English Soccer Hooligans face off with Death... HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...
The Hooligans do manage to pull off a victory, though, when their
remaining companions begin to sing 'Hail to the Queen.' Death,
overtaken from the pain of hearing such a tone-deaf batch, commits
suicide.
Exit Mr. G. Reaper.
Boba Fett gets the drop on K, sending a paralysis dart into him,
knocking him out. Fett and J then face off, preparing to draw their
weapons, when some slime creature eats J. "You suck," exclaims Fett
Exit MiB
Boba Fett faces the hundred or so remaining Soccer Hooligans. He
pulls out the most powerful of all of the weapons in his arsenal...
His contract with Lucasfilms to be in 5 more movies. Lucasfilms
commandoes decend upon the hapless hooligans, slapping them all down
with lawsuits.
Exit Hooligans
Boba Fett is the winner!!!
- Talia Andorn
2: The Happy Ending: The give up their differences and do the rational thing. The ensigns all stand over Ricky Martin's body. All characters open fire with their respective weapons on that spot.
Afterwards:
A film is made, books sold, and all sorts of merchandising.
1:Fett gets the money from the liscensing deals.
2:Spock returns to the Enterprise having succesfully killed his RS squad.
3:MST3K gets exclusive rights to commentary on the movie, which gives them two seasons of material.
4:The MIB save the world from a threat worse that aliens: Ricky Martin
5:King Arthur takes home the Bowl in pleace of a much less useful Grail.
6:Death Gets twenty five new ensigns, who, after years of taking orders from Kirk, are only too happy to *only* have to carry Ricky Martin's soul for their new master.
And finnaly, The soccer hooligans and Godzilla stay behind and destroy Washington for the hell of it.
- Flippervalt Gershput
Death needs only sit back and take names as all the other contestants do his dirty work for him.
Too bad you didn't include the following:
* Hanson
* Marilyn Manson
* The Spice Girls
* Jar-Jar Binks
* Barney
* Bill Clinton AND Kenneth Starr
* Wesley Crusher
* The Beatles
* The Village People
* The Brady Bunch
* Saddam Hussein
* Kenny (although he'd probably spare everyone the trouble and take
himself out)
* Tim the Tool Man Taylor (ditto)
* Taxes
Oh what a wonderful world......
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
8th Death: I AM DEATH, WHOM NO LOCK WILL HOLD NOR.. UM... NEVER MIND. I COULD MURDER A CURRY. A little too incompetent, and besides, Death isn't allowed to kill, merely take those who have been already killed, so short of the last two other contestants committing mutual annhiliation, he can't win because he can't kill the other last one left standing. He realises the paradox immediately, and removes it by removing himself from the scene, though he comes back later with the clean-up staff.
The combatants then go for whoever they think they can beat.
MiB v Spock v Hooligans
Knights v Fett
MST3k v Godzilla
7th Spock: Logic won't help in this most illogical mess. "Logically, the Men in Black will not attack superior numbers" just before being vaporized.
6th MiB: They can definitely beat Spock (alien), Godzilla (close enough), but have problems with the Hooligans, forgiveably mistaken for an alien hive-mind. Over-run.
5th Fett: Tragically taken out by one of the Knight's squires, who threw a coconut shell into Fett's rocket pack, sending him jetting directly in Godzilla's mouth.
4th Godzilla: MST3k crew too experienced at riffing third-rate big monster movies to shreds. Godzilla will fall early, but on a full stomach (see Fett, above).
Only 3 groups are now left. Hooligans v MST3k v the Knights.
3rd MST3k crew: So close, yet so far. Witticisms and the occasional round of waffles and hamdingers scare off, shred or drown all early opponents, but unfortunately the 80,000 strong Hooligans can a) eat through waffles faster than they can be made and b)are impervious to wisecracks because they can't understand them.
Leaving us with
Hooligans v Knights: The final battle. Imagine the scene- the Knights charge across the blood-strewn plaza, carboard swords glistening in the light, squires running behind them hurriedly with the special BIG coconuts. Rushing the other way, are the 100 surviving Hooligans (those who didn't die of waffle poisoning, lasering {MiB v Spock}, being trod on (Godzilla), or being bashed by their 'teammates').
The squires, with more sense then those in front of them, make the Knights dismount, and knock out the Hooligans with the coconuts.
1 Victors: KING ARTHUR AND HIS KNIGHTS!
2 Runners-up: English Soccer Hooligans
3 Bronze Medal: MST3k
4 Feeling jibbed spot: Godzilla
5 Spot just after the middle of the field: Boba Fett
6 At least we beat SOMEONE spot: MiB
7 'Beam me up, this was embarassing' spot: Spock
8 Honorary winner: Death
- Overclan Prime
First, let's group the contendors:
ORDINARY HUMAN BEINGS:
This will be the first group to go, namely the English soccer
hooligans, because while they are drunk and insane, they are only
humans. Next on the chopping block are King Arthur and his Knights,
because they are a bunch of idiotic boobs, which made them popular to
begin with.
ODD SCI-FI CREATURES OR ALIENS:
This includes Spock, Boba Fett, and Godzilla. Spock and his entourage
of red-shirted ensigns will go first, Spock being killed in the
crossfire of one of them spontaneously combusting. Boba Fett will
shoot at Godzilla, thinking that his teeth that will make good
trophies. Godzilla will toast him with some radioactive breath, then
in turn have his head blown into small bits of green goo by the MIBs.
Unfortunatly, the body will crush them shortly after.
Which brings us to our last contenders, Death and MST3K. Before Death can lift a skeletal finger, the MSTies have his IRS employees and his bony ass strapped into movie chairs, a lá A Clockwork Orange, with eyes (uh, eye sockets) peeled open and ready for the hell that will soon enter them. For Mike, Joe, and the Bots have the ultimate weapon: bad movies. After a montage of "Track of the Moon Beast", "Hamlet"(the German version), "It Conquered the World", "Santa Claus", and "Radar Secret Service", Death and his minions to surrender out of complete insanity. Game, set, and match. Have a good day students, that's the lunch bell.
- Tracer Malone
- DracoDei
For starters, some of the most imposing contenders will kill each other off at the outset. The soccer hooligans will be eliminated immediately as they attack Godzilla en masse (even though some only want to climb him for a better view of the rest of the match-- assuming they realize it's NOT a soccer game)in a manner reminiscent of the rottweiler destroying his weight in chuihuahuas. With a zeal befitting an attack from a massive, powerful, other-worldly force, both Spock and MIB will also attack Godzilla with all of their considerable might. They will mortally wound him, but in the process be burnt to a crisp themselves.
As this is happening, the crew from MST3K will be narrating with their own incomparable wit, but remain uninterested in joining in the melee themselves. They are, after all, not all that imposing a crew.
The knights will be obliterated by death in short order. I would remind you that not ONLY were the knights killed by an old man asking them questions and a rabbit, but they were then repelled by Frenchmen with buckets of feces. Also, as you will recall from "The Meaning of Life", Death has beaten them before.
As this is all playing out, the MST3K crew is suddenly and rudely cut off from their broadcast, and they are cast out with the rest of the garbage just before making the jump to lightspeed. Death looks around to see whom, if anyone, is left as competition. Remaining from the field, besides himself, is the expressionless figure of Boba Fett staring him down.
At this point, both combatants come to certain realizations. Death realizes that if there is one being who has made a habit of cheating him, it is Boba Fett. However, Death also realizes that as a bringer of death, Boba Fett is his equal and therefore a dangerous opponent. Boba Fett, having no pride or sense of honor, thinks nothing of taking death on. He is reminded of the cloud city..."He's no good to me dead"...If he can remove death from the equation, his bounty hunting becomes much more profitable. Boba Fett acts swiftly. Death hesitates to consider his options. He who hesitates is lost...
Boba Fett in seven minutes.
- Native
The 80,000 English Soccer Hooligans bow down to King Arthur, who leads them against the giant fire-breathing lizard (It's got to be a dragon). Large numbers of hooligans are stomped, but the multitude mangles the monster. Sir Robin wets himself, Lancelot chops Pam's head off, and Godzilla is beaten to a bloody pulp.
J and K slam Bobby against the side of his spaceship and strip his armor, revealing that he's really an older, cynical Jar Jar Binks.
Mike and the 'Bots stand in the middle of a pile of dead redshirts, wondering what happened.
Death takes a holiday. Again.
- Swamp Gnome
- Godzilla is a primal manifestation of Chaos, but retains sentience and a sense of humour, thus reducing it's power.
- The MST3K crew, much like Austin Powers, is constantly rebelling against the cold, controlling evil person holding them captive. Unfortunately, they've learned to accept the order imposed on them, expecting, and even anticipating, seeing bad films, some of which are even flimed in Springfield.
- King Arthur and his Knights are the imposers of a monarchy, and thus the imposers of order upon a chaotic social order.
- Death has a purpose...that purpose is to reap the souls of those whose time has come, ending their lives. Life is chaos. Thus, he is the very essence of order.
- Boba Fett is a bounty hunter, bringing in the lawless and the chaotic to face justice. Thus, he is a sworn combatant to Chaos.
- Spock is half-Vulcan, and wishes to be a full-Vulcan, a creature to whom Chaos is poison.
- The MiBs are enforcers of Earth Law upon alien visitors, thus, they are also sworn combatants to Chaos.
- Finally, we have the English Soccer Hooligans. They have no purpose, no sentience, no forethought, afterthought, or thought at any time. They represent Chaos in it's purest form.
So, the English Soccer Hooligans, with the power of Chaos theory on their side, will destroy the Universe. (oh, and win this tournament, too.)
- El Whappo
The Spatula of Death,
Whomped the competition bad,
Leaving the Robots victors.
I say my useless talents have accurately determned the oncoming match.
- Kanatah, Master of the Haiku-Death
BOBA FETT Vs SPOCK
Star wars Vs star trek, Again. Im not gonna bother with this one,Star
wars always wins.
RESULT: BOBA FETT
MST2K Vs MEN IN BLACK
"What the **** is that"
"Target practice"
RESULT:BOOM
GODZILLA Vs DEATH
"tremble mortal for i am death! the harvester of souls, the ultamute
reality, the assassin against no lock will hold, the swallower of..."
(apologies to terry pratchet)
RESULT: CRUNCH
MATCH 2
KING ARTHUR Vs GODZILLA
king arthur must rescue fair ladies from dragons,its his job.
pamla anderson is a lady (obviously),Godzilla is a dragon. QED
RESULT: KING ARTHUR
MEN IN BLACK Vs BOBA FETT
"Get out of my way humans, i have a photon destabiliser!"
"really? we have two."
RESULT:BOOM
MATCH 3
KING ARTHUR Vs MEN IN BLACK
"This isnt fair theres only two of us, theres loads of you"
"but you have guns and stuff!"
"Oh yeah"
RESULT:BOOM (again)
WINNERS: MEN IN BLACK
- d
The English Soccer Hooligans will instinctively go for a target which they are familiar with in concept, i.e. multiple targets; King Arthur & said Knights.
The MIB duo will probably disregard the obviously-alien Spock and follow the laws of the 'clearly more entertaining battle' and set their sights on Boba Fett.
Being the seemingly non-violent types during confrontations, Spock, the MST3K gang, and Death gather in a circle to converse.
Godzilla chooses to jump up and down flapping his arms, making those loud kitten noises and hitting a building with his tail.
Now, as far as the outcomes, well I just don't have the time so I'm going to flip a coin for each.
*flip* Heads: Soccer Hooligans trounce Arthur and the Knights.
*flip* Tails: Boba Fett, obviously jacked about the press he's getting
over his rumored appearances in Episode 2, trophies the xenophobic
twins.
*flip* Tails: Death is the first to grow tired enough of Tom Servo's
demeaning quips, and quickly hacks the MST3K clique to pieces with his
scythe. Turning back to Spock, *flip* Tails: Spock muses over
mortality and responsibilities of respecting other beings. Death cuts
him in half.
*flip* Heads: Godzilla knocks the building over. He hops up and down
in an enthusiastic manner.
Leaving Death and Godzilla, of course. Now, physically, there is no way to challenge the Angel of Death. The only way would be through mental challege (I hate to cite Bill & Ted as an example, but...). Godzilla has barely enough matter upstairs to recognize the fact that he/she doesn't like Matthew Broderick (generally an instinctive trait). Gozilla will stomp around, breathe fire/lightning; Death will stand there with his arms folded, staring at Godzilla (being immortal adds to one's "staying cool in the face of adversity" points). Eventually the national guard finds a way to force Godzilla back into the ocean or make him fall into one of the many volcanoes in the DC area.
Death turns, mugs for the camera, gives a thumbs up gesture as the picture freezes and the credits roll, with cool 80s action adventure music in the background.
BawmbickabawmbickaBAAADAAAAAAbawmbickabawmbickaBWAAAAAAA!!!
- The Pig King
P.S. I completely forgot about the outcome of Boba Fett and the Soccer Hooligans. Um. Well they got bored and went home. Thank you.
King Arthur and Company shoot arrows at Death, which pass right through him. Death touches them, and prevents Monty Python ever calling them ever again.
Boba Fett fires all of his hi-tech weaponry at Death, which pass right through him. Death touches him, and prevents his appearance in Episode II.
Spock fires his phaser beams at Death, which pass right through him. Death touches him, and prevents any thought of bringing back the old Trek cast for a reunion.
English Soccer Hooligans kick dozens of soccer balls at Death, which pass right through him. Death touches them, and prevents soccer riots in England temporarily.
Men in Black fire their big-ass alien gun lasers at Death, which pass right through him. Death touches them, and prevents a sequel to "Wild Wild West" and "US Marshals".
Suddenly, the audience hears a metallic clang and Death drops unconscious on the cold, hard floor. Behind him is Mike, Crow, and Tom. Mike raises his 9 Iron high.
- Charge Man
Godzilla 193,700 Spock 90,610 MST3K 49,680 Men in Black 42,150 King Arthur 31,853 Boba Fett 14,243 Grim Reaper 10,403 English Soccer Hooligans 59As you can see, Godzilla is by far the most popular character and will walk away with the Golden Toilet over the corpses of his competitors.
THE RIGHT-BRAIN METHOD (DEFINITELY)
Godzilla kicks ass!! He's gonna kill everyone with a single blast of
nuclear-subatomic-quantum-plasmic-morning-breath-from-the-deepest-
depths-of-hell!!! If you don't vote for Godzilla, you suck!!
- Robert Lamm
- "Mad Dog" Mike
First things first... to be the Man, you gotta beat the Man. The Man in this battle is Death. With a Goldbergian record of 50,000,069-0, you can bet that everyone else is gonna form a temporary truce to get rid of the Reaper. Not even the interference from the Undertaker, Kane, Bill, and Ted saves the dark one, as he is buried under a ton of Guinness bottles and red-shirted ensigns.
This leaves Godzilla as the odds-on favorite. As these are Royal Rumble rules, the obvious choice can never win, and, furthermore, he is required to be eliminated in the most un-original matter possible. After roasting the soccer hooligans(the fireball that results from their collective BAC can be seen from Charleston), Godzilla eliminates himself after Matthew Broderick shows up and offers to do a sequel. It was the first time anyone ever heard the lizard cry.
Meanwhile, Arthur and his Knights are matched up with the MSTies. Having never encountered characters from a GOOD movie, Mike and the 'bots are confused and loath to attack. The Knights, on the other hand, have no such compunction. ***slice slice slice*** Oooooh. That hadda hurt.
Leaving Mike and his robot pals bloodied and seemingly out of action, the Knights meet Spock. "This battle is illogical. However, since you seem to respect only violence, allow me to introduce something called a phaser." Spock moves on, leaving only the Book of Armaments intact.
Boba Fett is stomping a mudhole in Agent J and walking it dry. Agent K comes over to intervene... "Being on Earth without a visa, assaulting an MiB agent... son, you're coming with...AAAAAAGH!" What is the sound of a noisy cricket being shoved up a jackhole? Score two for the bounty hunter.
Spock and Boba Fett meet directly on the spot where Ricky Martin once stood. "Captain... two to come aboard the Enterprise... one to return." Spock's plan backfires, however, when they are beamed to the Enterprise. If Bruce Willis is more than a match for the Death Star, what do you think ol' Boba's gonna do on the 84th Enterprise, which fell to the Death Star in an earlier battle? SMACKDOWN! Boba uses the parts from the Enterprise to upgrade Slave One.
Spock, having been beamed back down to Earth before the Killing erupted, is ready to claim his prize... but wait, something's moving! "I'm not quite dead yet!" Mike Nelson stands up, a gaping sword-gash in his chest slowly being closed by nanites. Tom Servo and Crow follow, and make a grim, determined march to Pointy-Ears. Even with his Vaunted Vulcan Logic(TM), Spock is no physical match for the might that is Gypsy with the RAGE. You don't mess with the residents of the Satellite of Love, boys... Spock is pounded into the ground like a tent-stake by Gypsy's gigantic... er... head?
Technically, the last team standing is MST3K, and so I gave them my vote. However, in the Rumble, there are no friends, only enemies... Gypsy takes the TRUE win after feeding the boys expired Hamdingers... they are sicker than when they watched Hercules vs. the Moon Men. Deep hurting!
- Todd Evil
ME!!!!
I have one thing all those other guys don't: a life.
Ok I'm lying. But it temporarily boosted my self-esteem to say it. My existence is now validated and I can die happy.
Ok I'm lying. Shut up.
I mean it.
- In a bad mood because I just burned myself very badly on a cookie-sheet.
Godzilla stands up and roars menacingly, saliva dripping from his mighty jaws. He prepares to roast everyone is sight with his cool special-effect breath, when Death touches him, and he falls down stone dead on top of half of Spock's ensigns. The other half have suprise induced heart-attacks and wet themselves. A fitting way to die for Star Trek cast members.
The MiB's jump Spock, since he's an alien, and since Will Smith is a coward and sees that Spock's hench-persons are dead in a puddle of space urine. The both fire at the same time. Spock logically ducks, and Tommy Lee Jones gets cooked. Will Smith dodges using a dance move from "Gettin' Jiggy With It" (whatever the hell THAT means). Spock walks over and gives him a Vulcan Nerve Pinch, then rips his friggin' head off to the enjoyment of the fans. Spock holds Will Smith's dripping head up high and does a little dance. In his happiness, he starts to sing a Vulcan Song. Death floats over and touches him before he can hit the Top 40. Also to the enjoyment of the fans.
King Arthur can see how this is going, and gallops over the the Hooligans in order to enlist their aid.
ARTHUR: Good People, I Arthur, King Of The Britains...
HOOLIGANS: King of the Who?
ARTHUR: The Britains!
HOOLIGANS: Who the F*** are they then?
ARTHUR: Why...We are all Britains!
HOOLIGANS: Bullshit!
ARTHUR: But I am your king!
HOOLIGANS: Yeah? Well we didn't *vote* for you, ye Phinean bastard!
Arthur and his knights are ripped into bloody shreds by a horde of their Beer-Soaked countrymen. Arthur's head is mistaken for a plush toy and eaten.
Meanwhile, Mike, Joel, and the MST3K Gang are in a huddle. Having come to a decision, they gang up on Death, jumping him from all sides in an ambush type thing they learned from Planet of the Apes. Their extensive knowledge of crappy movies gives them the ace they need to defeat the Reaper. They force him to watch Meet Joe Black. Death dies of Shame.
So now it's down to MST3K, The Hooligans, and Boba "I was in the movies for a whole twenty minutes!" Fett.
Mike, Joel, and the Robots ambush Boba Fett as well. This time, they needed no crafty tactics. They rip the most over-rated piece of trash in the galaxy apart with brute force. Kind of sad when you consider it's two nerds and a robot gumball machine that can't use his arms.
The Hooligans turn to the MST3K gang, who back away, nervously. The face off continues, until the robots ruin it:
CROW: HEY! What are you guys anyway, French?
TOM SERVO: Starts Singing "Fere Jaques"
Needless to say, it ends quickly after that. I believe Tom Servo's head was last seen bouncing around the stands like a beach ball at the last England vs. Cameroon game...
- First Rate Hooligan
- The IRS
Face it the only person who can defeat death is Elvis(TM)!
- Captain Demento
Godzilla- while he has incredible resilience and enormous power he has one fatal flaw, he was created by the French. This fact alone will give the Hooligins a limitless supply of THE RAGE(tm)! which they will use to destroy that "big french lizard thing".
MST3000- these bumblers couldn't defeat the French, never mind an army of enraged and liquored up English Soccer Hooligans.
King Arthur and His Knights- are you kidding these guys could seize a fortress controlled by the French, and we saw what the Hooligans did to the French. Not to mention the fact that the police will arrive to break up the looting/killing caused by the Hooligans and will recognize Arthur as the King of the Britons and will therefore arrest him on the spot for inciting a riot.
Death- Death will not raise a hand against the Hooligans because they are his Number 1 source of job security.
Boba Fett- While admittedly he is a very cool guy he will simply not be prepared for the chaos and violence left in the wake of the Hooligans and will be gruesomely killed when the Hooligans mistake his outfit for the uniform of the French Riot Police.
Spock- Spock will attempt to use The Vulcan Nerve Pinch(tm) on the nearest Hooligan and will be shocked to discover that the blood flow to the Hooligans brain was long ago cut off by Guiness Stout. This pinch will serve only to enRAGE(tm)! the Hooligan as his Guiness altered mind will percieve it as a French mating ritual... the result one horribly disembowled Spock.
The MIBs- The Hooligans will instantly recognize them as high powered business executives(due to their trendy clothes and shades) and will be overcome by the RAGE(tm)! as they believe that these execs must have the tickets to the real Women's World Cup match. The MIBs therefore will be torn to shreds when their weapons prove inneffective against the Hooligins Idestructible Shield Of Gin(tm)!
Due to the very nature of this match a chaoctic kill anything that moves street fight, which I might add the Hooligans have been doing all their lives, and the fact that the Hooligans are the living embodiment of THE RAGE(tm)! the only possible victors are the unstoppable English Soccer Hooligans.
- Aurack the Canadian Hockey Hooligan
"Uh, K. What the HELL is that?" J calmly asks.
"I'm not really sure, but it looks like some kind of portal."
"ROOOOAAAARRR!" Godzilla comments.
As the opponents close on each other, the portal becomes larger and a harsh noise issues from it.
"SSSsssshhhhhbbbberrrrrggggggggjljlhlgldlsTHEREISNOJIHAD gkgkgkgkgkddddddddnnnnnnnkkkkkkkndndndndndndnRAGE(TM) qqqqqqqqsssssssppppppbbbbbbbttttttGRUDGEMANIAjjjjjjjjjjssssssskkkkkkkk!"
The usually reticent Death speaks. "Don't you fools understand? By bringing us all here, we have opened up a portal to THE FIRST GRUDGE MATCH SITE! I would know. I defeated King Midas there."
"My Holy God. He's right." King Arthur comments. "Look. There's the Rottweiler who defeated all those chihuahuas."
"And there. The Borg ship that destroyed the Indepedence Day mothership." Spock remarks.
And with that, the old Grudgematch winners open up their respective cans of WHOOP-A**. The first ones to go down are the English Soccer Hooligans. As was proven by Mike Myers on SNL (Scot-TISH Soc-CER Hooli-GANS Week-LY!), the Scotsmen are more powerful than any other hooligan-ing nationality. So Groundskeeper Willy mops the floor with these guys. Next to go are Boba Fett and the MIBs. You see, both their jobs include killing aliens. But what is the ultimate alien killer? That's right: the Death Star (at least 1 billion Alderaanians). And who defeated the Death Star? That's right: John McClane. He should be able to destroy these guys within seconds.
Next is Godzilla. Now he's the closest to an Irresistable Force than anything I've ever seen. But the Irresistable Force was defeated simply by the Immovable Object. The End.
Now for Spock. He's a little bit tougher since he's got the Ensigns with him. He'll need a couple opponents. Well, we can easily get rid of the Ensigns using the champion Stormtroopers. As for Spock himself, who better to destroy a Vulcan than a Jedi. And of course, Colonel Sanders, who has been recently been revealed as a Jedi (gotta love the Pepsi company), killed Orville on the old site. After dropping through the portal, Sanders reflects a phaser blast right back at everyones favorite Vulcan.
Now for Death. I know of no one who has defeated Death more than Boris Yeltsin. I mean, how many times have you heard about Yeltsin being in the hospital for alcohol poisoning, liver damage, etc. And he's still not dead! He can out-juke Death in an instant.
There are only two of the real contestants left, the MST3K boys and King Arthur and his Knights. Please note that these are two comedy teams. They cannot stand against the onslaught of comedy from the old site. Between Harpo Marx, the Simpsons, Itchy & Stimpy, Wayne & Garth, Dogbert, Kramer, Frank Drebin, and Cliff Claven, I have a feeling that the critics and the crusaders don't have a chance.
After all of this carnage, two small figures fall through the portal.
"They never realized the power they held in their hands, Steve."
"What fools. Don't you agree, Brian?"
"Absolutely. Now let's get that golden toilet and get out of here."
- Evan D.
- Scooter McGowry
MST3K vs MIB
K showed his ID to Mike. "Agent K. MIB. Do you have a license for
that satellite?" he said as he pointed to the Satellite of Love.
"Forget the 'by the book' stuff K." J said as he butted in. "Let's just blast these cheesy puppets!" J tried to shoot his Noisy Cricket at the robots several times but nothing happened.
"It's jammed, slick. Let me get that." K pulled the trigger several times with no results. As he did this all the power built up until it finally fired. All the built up energy caused K to go flying backwards so fast that he fell into another dimension.
Mike cracked his knuckles. "Now that it's just you and us, Will, let's talk about that 'Getting Jiggy with it' song."
"And Enemy of the State." Crow added.
"And Wild Wild West." Tom also added.
J gulped. This was not going to be pleasant.
King Arthur vs Death
King Arthur walked up to Death calmly. "It's ok Mr. Reaper. You
see, we are on a mission of God. I believe you should bugger off."
"I work for God too. And according to the List ", your time is up. And it seems God wants you sent to Hell."
"But&why?" Arthur asked. "What sins am I guilty of?"
"The worst sin of all: you lost to the French." Death honked Arthur's nose and Arthur fell limp. The rest of the knights retreated.
Boba Fett vs Spock
A couple dozen Red Shirt Ensigns were charging at Boba Fett. Fett
randomly shot his rifle and surprisingly (or not) each one hit an
Ensign. But then Fett felt someone pinching his neck.
"Excuse me, but are you trying a Vulcan Neck Pinch?"
"Yes I am." Spock replied.
"You realize I'm wearing armor. That's not harming me in the least." Boba Fett turned around and blasted Spock at point blank range. "Heh heh. Lucas is gonna pay me a fortune for this."
Godzilla vs MST3K
Mike and the Bots attacked the mighty lizard with everything Joel
gave them but nothing would faze the beast. Godzilla was about to
smash them with his claw but Tom noticed Pamela's bra wrapped around
his finger.
"Hey look! Godzilla's a cross-dresser! I always knew you and Rodan were more than just friends."
As the MST3K gang made fun of him, Godzilla covered his ears and ran away. Perhaps Pamela can make it all better. But after her recent reduction, maybe not.
Death vs Boba Fett
"Finally your soul will be mine, bounty hunter," said the black angel
of death.
"I've escaped you before in that Sarlaac pit and I will again. Behold!"
Death looked behind him and if his jaw dropped.
"He's gonna kill Boba Fett!" a nerd yelled. "Let's get him!" The nerd was followed by hundreds of Star Wars fans. They all dog-piled Death. The ones touching Death were killed instantly, but they didn't care. If their favorite Star Wars character stayed alive, they felt it was worth it. As Death's skull rolled from underneath the pile, it was blasted to dust by Boba Fett.
MST3K vs Boba Fett
Mike saw the wookie scalps on Fett's belt. "Hey, did Chewbacca give
you head?"
Tom laughed. "Good one Mike!"
The three continued to make jokes about the bounty hunter but they would soon learn that they were screwed. Ever wonder why Fett is the baddest bounty hunter? Ever wonder why Fett is so damn cool? Ever wonder why there's a "T" on his helmet? The reasons were figured out as Fett took off his helmet and revealed his true self.
As Mike and the Bots lay bruised and beaten, the winner of the WWWF Grudge Match Tournament of Champions held his new trophy.
"I pity the fool who messes with the King of Grudge Match!" Mr. T shouted. "I'm gonna melt this sucka into some nice chains!"
- Gavok
Sending this many combatants into a death match is just my idea of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Death
If you liked this match, check out these other past
matches:
Bad Movie Critics (with MST3K)
Death v. Taxes
Boba Fett v. The Predator
Home |
History |
Suggestions |
FAQ |
Stats |
Links
Awards |
Commentators |
Real Life |
Fun Stuff |
Studio Store
© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC