The Scenario

This is the story of four weeks ago
A time of Y2K and computers
When CI Host was petty and cruel and they plagued the Internet (and the WWWF) with suffering
Only one champion dared to challenge their power and fine print
And bring justice back to the World Wide Web
But wherever there was evil,
Wherever the hosting companies would crash sites for a week,
Wherever they wouldn't answer the phone for technical support,
Wherever businesses and homepagers were forced to pay money for a new site,
Wherever WWWF fans were forced to do without mirth, there would be:

Hercules!

(silence)

Ahem! HERCULES!

"Um, bad news boss. Hercules couldn't it make it. He has to open a supermarket in East Paducah today."

Darn. Outbid again. Maybe we should consider paying the help sometime. OK, folks, we need to hire a new hero for WWWF Ground Zero(tm). Who's available at short notice?

"Well, there are two choices. But you're not going to like it."

Well, we need someone to punish CI Host. How bad could it possibly be? Let's have the two candidates battle it out to be our champion...

(the Internet)

vs.

Al Gore

(inventor of the Internet)

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: Good God! What kind of match have I gotten myself into? Supporting either side is like lobbing superballs at Mark McGwire in a home run derby. With that reservation set aside, Paul, I must go with the self-proclaimed backbone of the Internet: America Online.

The long-suffering butt of online services (now dethroned by CI Host) has the means to beat the hell out of the Vice President and his security staff and be the savior for WWWF fans. Even if it wasn't about money, AOL would be itching to inflict a beating of red-headed step-child proportions because of Gore's ridiculous claims of having invented the Internet. Al Gore inventing anything, much less something as complex as the Internet, is only a little less probable than Dan Quayle winning a spelling bee. AOL didn't invent the Internet, they just make it available to the world (when they feel like it). We're talking about a company that, despite giving crappy service at outrageous prices (see Host, CI) and having their entire network crash and burn (leaving millions of users in the lurch), keeps on growing.

AOL's recent acquisition of Time Warner gives you a hint as to how massive their resources to win this battle are. Imagine how many lawyers™ they have available to run interference with Gore and his tortoise-like personality. WWWF history has proven time and again that big business prevails. The squared electron circle is littered with groups and individuals that dared to take on corporate behemoths. Gore is just another corpse to toss into the "deleted items" pile.

PAUL: Hmm. I cannot tell if it is those McGwire-propelled projectiles richocheting off your cranium or the lack of sleep from your brand new son, HotBranchJr(tm), that is causing you to put forth such delusional arguments. I would guess both. It is obvious to any newbie that Al Gore is going to win.

Lawyers(tm) are no match for Al Gore. Despite being the incumbent VP during the biggest economic boom in United States history, he is fighting for his political life against non-descript Bill Bradley. Along with his Internet fiasco, he has also falsely claimed to have exposed Love Canal and, for no good reason whatsoever, to be the inspiration for the insipid book "Love Story." And the man is so boring that he must sleep standing up because if he went horizontal, they would bury him. The man is his own worst enemy. And despite all of this, he is still the favorite to win the Democratic nomination for President. Anything AOL could do is nothing compared to his self-inflicted wounds he survives everyday.

Moreover, Al Gore has the key factor on his side: HE KNOWS HOW TO USE A COMPUTER. For all his bumblings, the man has enough technical knowledge to inspire Buzzword Bingo at MIT to satirize his techie jargon. On the other hand, it is obvious to any semi-computer literate that AOL doesn't have a freakin clue. Internet users hate busy signals, excessive advertisements and censorship. So what does AOL do? They overload their membership so "You've Got Busy Signal!" Not content with having their users inundated with 100 SPAMs a day and force-fed inane advertisements at login, they clutter up snail mail with millions of useless CDs. And in the Internet spirit of sharing information and free speech, they send out "Guides" to censor such highly offensive words like "fart", "submissive" and "wet" (I understand "thing" is currently under review).

Al Gore wins. CI Host gets a fate worse than death. Who could ask for anything more?

HOTBRANCH: I don't know whether to laugh at you, Paul, or pity you. I think I'll do both. Clearly you believe everything that the media spoon feeds you. When have you actually seen Al Gore USE a computer? On the evening news? OJ Simpson's defence team wasn't as well choreographed as Gore is when seated at a computer for the TV cameras. Gore's gaffes can only mean one thing: he's a clueless newbie. So clueless, in fact, that AOL is probably way above his head. And EVEN IF Gore knows how to use a computer, Tipper won't let him. We all know that, among other things, the Internet is a global pornography network. Do you really think that the woman who spearheaded warning labels on records is going to let her husband be exposed to pornography? HELL NO! Porn might stimulate him to the point of developing a pulse.

AOL is not just a one-man outfit. Steve Case is the front man, but he has lots of help in making AOL the largest Internet provider in the world. One of Case's leiutenants is Ted Leonsis. Between AOL board meetings, Leonsis heads the Washington Sports and Entertainment, the company that owns (among other things) the Washington Wizards. Now, I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but the Wizards have a WWWF champion in their front office. Maybe you've heard of him? One Michael Jordan? Knowing how AOL pushes ubiquity, you just KNOW that MJ got an AOL account along with his corner office and cherry parking spot. What kind of celebrity endorsement can Gore rely on? A scandal-ridden president who managed to escape Judge Judy's wrath, only because Ken Starr was slightly more reprehensible?

Finally, by saying AOL hasn't got as clue, you made my argument for me. They provide the worst service to their clients (something CI Host is trying to emulate), yet the clients keep on coming. When there are problems, AOL users usually get a "personal" letter from Steve Case, where he claims to feel the user's pain. How arrogant is that? When you provide crappy service with contempt for your clients AND you remain the world's largest Internet provider, you are livin la vida shweet-a! Expect CI Host to be bought by AOL, providing many more years of unreliable service. That's the final word, 'cause HotBranchJr™ said so!

PAUL: I like the Michael Jordan analogy. Both AOL and MJ quit for no reason whatsoever.

Of course Al Gore knows how to use a computer. If you were married to an annoyance like Tipper, you'd better know how to download "Virtual Hooters Heaven" and fast! The VEEP of the Free World can have access to any computer he desires. Personally, I think Al Gore is the only possible explanation for an XXX-site called Whitehouse.com. Throw in a top secret time machine and maybe even I can believe that he created the Internet.

Finally, AOL is simply too slow to hurt Al Gore. Have you ever used AOL e-mail? It can take three to four DAYS for messages to arrive. This makes "Lurch" a AMD Athlon to AOL's Atari 2600. With his (relative) blazing speed, Al will crash AOL, which apparently can be done by a random raindrop or (THE HORROR! THE HORROR!) actually trying to use the service.

AOL Last Word's: "We've Got Death!" Glory and hallelujah!

HOTBRANCH: Ugh! What a mess.

PAUL: I guess if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. It is time to unleash the secret weapon.

HOTBRANCH: Gulp! Are you sure you want to do that?

PAUL: We have no choice. CI Host must be punished for their evil. RELEASE THE WWWF GRUDGIE FAN BRIGADE™ and WWWF CHIHUAHUA K9 AUXILARY™! [rumbling in background] And while you are at it, distribute the splatter guards. This should be ugly.

So who will triumph is this battle of good and evil?

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Voter Comments

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE ™

Remember, you can't spell "ASSHOLE" without "AOL."

- Deacon

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

As of this writing CI Host has 24 votes, The following are my suggestions for punishments

Voter 1: Flogging
Voter 2: Lapdance from Rush Limbaugh
Voter 3: Sara Lee Death Muffin
Voter 4: Craftmatic Adjustible Electric Bead
Voter 5: "I'm Johnny Gilbert, and this is "Leper-dy""
Voter 6: David Copperfield Torture Chair
Voter 7: Eaten By Rottweiler
Voter 8: Eaten by Rottweiler's weight is Chiuauauas
Voter 9: Godzilla Atomic Breath
Voter 10: Two Razor blades and a Bottle of Jack Daniels
Voter 11: Lions and Tigers and Mimes (Oh My!)
Voter 12: Trampoline and Celing fan
Voter 13: Launched on Top of a Hard Roof of a Pillow factory, and run over by a marshmallow truck
Voter 14: Cavity Search by Edward Scissors Hands
Voter 15: Burning at the Stake
Voter 16: Kevin Costner Movie
Voter 17: Electrocution
Voter 18: Hanson CD (Yes, we have no mercy)
Voter 19: "Boy Meets World" Marathon
Voter 20: Demolition derby, roller skates, innertube, helmet. Put it together
Voter 21: Drawn And Quartered
Voter 22: Acid Pit
Voter 23: Forced to watch Shaq's acting "talents"
Voter 24: Forced to see Micheal Jordan's baseball "Abilities"

- Peanuts" Actually there are 61 but I can't think of any more"Pat

---

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

AOL's logo has edges that are sharp and pointy.

Al Gore is dull and boring.

Result: We get to see if he bleeds sap.

- "Hello, you've got MonkeyDog!"

---

---

Gawd BLESS you!!!

I mean it. I was praying for the All Mangled and Killed option from the very beginning, and I think if you hadn't included it I would've have had to do the work myself...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

- The Spirit of All Grudge Match Readers.

---

Aol just merged with Time Warner Comm, No? Ted Turner owns Time Warner. Time Warner has their dirty paws in everything. We all know Big Business runs the country. (Well, with help from the Freemasons, admittedly). Since Al Gore is a robot, all Aol has to do is InstantMessage Ted, and then Ted will InstantMessage whatever company created AlGor. Ted will demand to know the special secret code that he's had implanted in all Robot Politicians (RoPols) as they were being built (This was in case of emergency, like if Congress starting talking about "monopolies" and such. Remember when Congress was shut down a couple years ago? Think about it...) What Mr. Turner wants, he gets. Said RoPol manufactering company will send Ted the code, thereby enabling him to remotely switch off RoPol AlGor. Aol in 5 minutes, allowing for the inevitable disconnects and re-connects that go along with using Aol and their IM system, and getting past all the RUMorF? IM's that plague users every 2.1 seconds.

- Stubbzilla

---

On the first Match:

Al Gore claimed to invent the Internet, when the closest he actually came to that claim is coining the term "Information Superhighway", thus earning him the scorn of Every Free-Thinking Tech-Head In The Free World(TM).

AOL introduced the Internet to mainstream America, thus exposing Every Free-Thinking Tech-Head In The Free World to America's idiotic underbelly, and earning AOL their scorn.

Both Mangled, Killed, and Deleted. The real winners: Every Free- Thinking Tech-Head In The Free World.

On the Second Match:

Anyone stupid enough to post their customers' credit card numbers on the Internet, without a password, doesn't stand a chance against the combined Rage(TM) of the Grudgies of The World(also TM) and the Grudge Militia(you guessed it, TM). Semper fi, guys.

- Andy the Anarchist

---

AOL vs. Al Gore? Sure, seems boring at first. But you're forgetting about the Iowa caucasses, where Al Gore SNAPPED HIS TETHER AND KILLED SIX PEOPLE!!

Okay, maybe not. But surely you remember the press release last weak, wherein AOL announced that it has HORDES OF RAVENOUS, FLESH-EATING MUTANTS FROM BELOW THE EARTH'S CRUST!!

Ah, to hell with it. All killed and mutilated. If this weren't the final Ground Zero match, I might have had to smack someone for such a self-indulgent match.

- Vermin Boy

---

I think Al Gore is the clear winner here, based on the mistakes my OCR has made in scanning his name.

A1 Gore--Hey, he's A number one.
AI Gore--Artificial intelligence (cue the '2001' music)
Allegory--A tale to inspire, much as Al Gore's life has been.
Alligator--A fierce animal.
Algae--The most dominant life form on this planet.
Eiger--a challenging mountain in the Alps.
Algebra--a very hard math class
Alcove--a col place to hide as a kid.

Now, let's see what the OCR sees instead of AOL Online

Owl Online--endangered bird.
Ail Online--more of a synonym than a mistake.
Awl Online--short for awful online.
AWOL online--self-explanatory.
AOL Inline--ice-skating, as we know, is evil.
AOL Online sucks--I'm not sure how it thought the blank space behind 'online' was the word 'sucks', but it did.
AOL Online Bites it hard--Again, this is the COR's reaing, not mine.
AOL is Loose Watery Crap--maybe the OCR is trying to tell us something.

- Wubbie

---

Alas, both the wooden one and the company of idiots would lose in this fight.

Al Gore, trying to get rid of AOL, unleashes the US government's secret weapon: an EMP ray. One good electromagnetic pulse could really wreak havoc on the system.

Unfortunately, the ray doesn't work. AOL users are used to this sort of embarrassment and keep signing up anyway. AOL has actually been using an Etch-A-Sketch as its mainframe for years now. Business goes on.

AOL decides to retaliate against Gore, and releases its new acquisition under the Time-Warner merger: WCW wrestlers.

After travelling to Washington, the main wrestlers involved in the storyline try to pummel Gore. Unfortunately, the main wrestlers involved in the storyline are all over 50, and die of heart attacks.

No one in the wrestling world notices. Life goes on.

WWWF Central mulls over what they should do now that both combatants have given it their all, and failed.

A knock on the door:

"Hey, I hear you guys are looking to hire someone to be your hero. How about me: Luke Cage, Hero for Hire?"

The Grudgemeisters shrug and mull amongst themselves.

"Who's Luke Cage? Wasn't he that Marvel character from the '70s?"
"He doesn't look like much...Why can't we use an unsedated Vlad? I'm sure he could do just as well as this guy..."

And so, offered minimum wage and no security, an unsedated Vlad goes out and rights wrongs and fights for the lowest common denominator: Self-indulgence in a Grudge Match reply...

And the world rejoiced...

- Vlad, who (as an alter ego) is one of "Marvel's Most Inept": Epsilon Flight

---

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL(Head falls off neck and crashes to floor hitting ground)

AOL?! AOL is going down hardcore!

Have you ever used AOL? I do. Its slow, it breaks down every .002 seconds and is less effective than the Harding administartion or Dan Quayle's brain. AOL is going to challenge a brain numbed cyborg like Gore? Gore cannot be killed because he had no life to begin with. He has an army of living tree men as well due to being a eco-dude. Gore is the man! Well, not really I just wanted to make you pity me for thinking hes kewl. Gore is the future of the country and I want to be on his good side when he wins so I can like become Vice President or something of the Gore admin. Gore won't have to do anything at all due to AOL's all around crappiness, he can just stare at the screen and wait for AOL to crash on its own. Which is what he'll end up doing anyways. Game set and match.

Gore in 2001!

- Captain Demento 1,000,000 (From the 853rd century)

---

Consider the two combatants at the start:
Al Gore - A wooden, Chinese-sponsored politician with a b-i-itch for a wife.
AOL - A crappy online service with a substandard browser that is trying to take over the world.

I hope both utterly destroy each other.

Now we come to the second contest - the combined forces of the WWWF Fan Brigade and the K9 Chihuahua Unit vs. CI Host. It is a no-brainer. Look at all the bouts we at the WWWF have handled over the years - and all of them successful. On the other hand, CI Host seems incapable of finding its ass even when aided by both hands, a flashlight, a GPS transponder, and a highly detailed topographic map. CI Host is so incompetent that, not only will they be soundly defeated, they will also have absolutely no idea what hit them.

The only bad thing about this matchup is that it is only imaginary. I would like to see those incompetents suffer.

- The Demented Astronomer

---

*Logging on*..................
Welcome to the Gore/AOL Combattant arena.
Waiting for combattants to load and prepare .............................................................. ...................................................................... ...................................
Combattants prepared
Arena downloading .......................................................... ...................................................................... ..................................
Arena loaded. Loading round [1] of [10] ................................................................. ..........................................
*cancel* *cancel* *cancel* *cancel* *click,click,click*
Fatal exception in module [AOL]
49296f0s9t 4s6e4t114y 97s452p4g8
216l4f1h65 4sd85fg749 1g64d8f4g5
8ert7a6uj8 aa9d6g5a74 1a5s478tg7
68ds7468sh 65s4hf687h 9g87k68gf4
*reset*

- -Shaft

---

Exactly ***what*** is at stake here???

- Bjmmn

Sorry if the scenario was a little unclear. We were a little distracted by the blood stai..., er, anticipation of carnage. -Eds.

---

I managed to simulate this battle in my own humble abode. To represent Al Gore, I chose a can of frozen Spam (tm)--cold, lifeless, and artificial. For AOL, I selected a sizeable rock--cumbersome, obstinate, and motionless. For CI Host, I selected a raw egg--easy to crack, quick to rot, and prone to splatter as it crashes. I placed these three objects in a room to see which attacker would destroy the egg--the Spam or the rock. To my surprise, neither did anything. Thus did I learn a fundamental truth about both AOL and Al Gore: both are worthless and powerless. I entered the room, picked the rock up in one hand and the Spam in the other. I then proceeded to pound the egg with both. As the last ivory bits of shell became powder beneath the barrage, I realized that both Al Gore and AOL could both destroy CI Host, provided, of course, they were animated by a more lifesome being. Bill Gates could wield AOL--he's used to crushing fragile things anyway. And Bill Clinton has been pulling Al Gore's strings for years (besides, if Al proved too soft, he could always use his sax or an old intern no one was using...). Of course, everyone knows that all Bills are actually a mere image of a single, multi-locational alien being known as "Bill", but I won't get into that right now. I've got yolk on my hands, Spam on my socks, and enormous dents in my hardwood floor. I think my landlord is going to be pissed (his name is Bill, too). At least now I know to vote for Bill...

- Eric Zawadzki

---

When my grandfather watched certain poorly-contested football games, he used to say "It's a shame both teams can't lose."

I finally see what he's talking about.

According to Al Gore's 1992 book, "Earth in the Balance," the human race should already have been wiped out by environmental damage. In light of the fact that we're still here, I don't see what Tree Man's motivation is for even living, much less running for the Presidency. Ground Zero doesn't need this kind of "champion."

AOL managed to get themselves sued by 45 states (not even Microsoft can make that claim) and sets the record for condescending to its customers: "I can't even program my VCR, and I'm on AOL!" If AOL were to represent you guys, they'd spend all their time saying "AOL roo1z, d00d, Wwf grug match 8L0wz!" followed by "MEEEEEEEEeeEEE ToooOOOOOO!!!!11!!!1"

Grandpa, your wisdom rings true.

- --Phil

---

The Grudgie Fan Horde (TM) and Bigass Pack O' Chihuahuas (TM) dash to CI Host HQ, only to find that the top 4 floors of CI Towers are already missing, and signs of fighting are seen from within the tower. Confused, Hotbranch (TM) and Paul (TM) walk over to a small, redheaded girl, who sits there taking a rest from the carnage.

"Hey, what the hells going on?" The girl looks up at Paul.
"Oh, this loser company lost our best website, www.powerpuff.com, over New Year, so we came to get some revenge on them."
"Wow, you do good work..."
"Well, that's mostly Buttercup... I would normally say she's going overboard, but we're talking about CI Host here." Frowning, Hotbranch paces around. "Shit, I was all ready to do some killing and maiming, but why did we have to stop to kill AOL and Al Gore? Now we get here just to find The Powerpuff Girls have beaten us to it..."
"Don't worry, the management staff is still holed up in the basement. They should prove fun, so you can have them."
"What? Cool! C'mon WWWF Grudgies, lets get the $%%^&&!"

And the killing and maiming began.

- GKScotty - 298sjs@tay.ac.uk

- The Bunyip

- Boba Foot

I'd(tm) like(tm) to(tm) thank(tm) you(tm) for(tm) providing(tm) that (tm) both(tm) killed(tm) and(tm) mutilated(tm) button(tm).(tm) Howevertm) I(tm) click(tm) on(tm) the(tm) button(tm) to(tm) find(tm) what(tm)?(tm)!(tm) I(tm) find(tm) yet(tm) another(tm) choice(tm) has (tm) been(tm) given(tm)!(tm)Can't(tm) you(tm) just(tm) let(tm) us(tm) Grudgefans(tm) savor(tm) that(tm) button(tm)?(tm)

Since(tm) nothing(tm) can(tm) be(tm) done(tm) about(tm) that(tm), I (tm) will(tm) criticize(tm) your(tm) choice(tm) of(tm) wording(tm) on (tm) that(tm) page(tm) where(tm) the WWWF(tm), CIhost(tm) choice(tm) is(tm) given(tm).(tm) You(tm) claim (tm) that(tm) is(tm) a(tm) battle(tm) between(tm)good(tm) and(tm) evil(tm).(tm) If(tm) you(tm) think(tm(though I highly doubt that)) that(tm) either(tm)the(tm)CI host(tm) or(tm) Ground Zero(tm)are(tm) good(tm)then(tm) you(tm) are (tm) demented(tm) then(tm) I(tm) thought(tm) you(tm) were(tm). (tm)

As(tm) for(tm) whom(tm) I(tm) will(tm) vote(tm) for(tm) it(tm) will (tm) be(tm) Ground Zero(tm) because(tm) right(tm) now(tm) Ground Zero (tm) has(tm) 181(tm) votes(tm) and(tm) CI host(tm) has(tm) 20(tm) votes(tm), and(tm) as(tm) I(tm) always(tm) say(tm)"When(tm) you(tm) can (tm) beat(tm) 'em(tm), beat(tm) 'em(tm)" and(tm) "If(tm) you(tm) ever(tm) support(tm) the(tm) Underdog(tm) next(tm) thing(tm) you(tm) know(tm) you'll(tm) be(tm) racing(tm)off(tm) to(tm) save(tm) Sweet Polly(tm)".(tm)

I(tm) which(tm) low(tm) form of(tm) pond life(tm) voted(tm) for CI host(tm).(tm) Since(tm) forms(tm) of(tm) pond(tm0 life(tm)start(tm) with(tm) Ground Zero(tm) commentators(tm) I'll(tm) assume(tm) its(tm) them(tm).(tm)

- Boba(tm) Foot(tm)

1) Al Gore vs. AOL: You didn't point out one thing, probably because it was so glaringly obvious that you didn't feel the need to notify your viewers. I understand, but I feel I should say it anyway: Al Gore is a cheaply manufactured robot made in the early '80's by Bill Gates, as a hobby, just to see if he could get an android to become president. The technology of the time did not provide for an emotion synthesizer, so Bill just didn't add one. Now, lately, Bill has been much, much too busy, what with the lawsuit and all, to worry about his little creation. Al's just been running on autopilot. Knowing this, all AOL has to do is just hit the off switch and they win, shortly before they stop working for no reason whatsoever. Thank God for my cable modem.

2) WWWWF vs. CI Host. Gosh, one final song before the concert ends for Ground Zero. Well, let it be known, when there was doubt, that you chewed it up and spit it out! Really, was this match really necessary? You don't need our approval, just go over there and bomb their stupid headquarters! Take some initiative for once in your lives!

3) I noticed that Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee, merely by saying that he hates Brendan, has established himself as one of the Grudge Match crew, made his mark in WWWF history, and will likely never get a response cut again. With that in mind, I'd like to pronounce my unreserved hatred for Joe. YOUY BETTER WATCH OUT JOE CAUSE IM GONNA STOMP A MUD HOLE IN YUR ASS AND WALK IT DRY! AND THATS ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!

- Kenny Munson, the Infraggable Krunk

- Adam B.

On the other hand....having just been royally screwed over not once, not twice, not even THREE, nay, not even four, but FIVE -- count 'em, FIVE times by Time Warner Cable -- then told to shell out $130 for the screw job -- I thirst to see AOL/Time Warner's blood run rampant through the streets.

So what would be the ideal method of visiting Texas-size righteousness on these two? I KNOW!!!!!!

CUT TO: The Democratic National Convention, televised live throughout the Free World(tm)...

GORE: I would like to thank my fellow Americans, chihuahuas, and last but not least AOL/Time Warner for making this, my defining moment in American History poss...>BZZZZZZT<

Silence.

CUT TO: The Morning After....people have voted their consciences and decided a live person would indeed make a great president... Gore blames his crushing defeat on the fact that AOL/Time Warner's Internet feeds are programmed to time out after 2 seconds of inactivity. Therefore, Gore gets bumped off.

GORE: Thanks to those butt-munches at AOL, I'm out of a job! I must demand satisfaction! Who can I call? I know.....

riiiiiiinggggg....riiiiiiinggggg....riiiiiiinggggg....click.... incessant panting, huffing, heaving, and a few hyuk-hyuks...)

BILL: uhhhh, h'lo? Hillary? That you thar, honeybun?
GORE: NO, you inbred boob! It's me, Al!
BILL: Oh, wha, hey there, Ally-boy! What's shakin'? WHOOOO- EEEEEE! Uhh, never mind that last question, good buddy.
GORE: Will you SHUT UP and LISTEN TO ME???? I need a favor....
BILL: Whoa, now hold on thar, pardner. Ah feel yore pain and all that, but ah ain't into that funny stuff.
GORE: NOT THAT KIND OF FAVOR, YOU IDIOT! I need the phone number of....(fade out)...

This is the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The cases are real...the participants are real...this is HER courtroom...this is Judge Judy(TM)!

RUSTY: Your Honor, this is case #3847560274 in the matter of Gore vs. AOL/Time Warner. Parties have been sworn, Judge...please be seated.
JUDY: There's something wrong with this picture, Rusty. Waitaminnit! The satellite feeds are still out! My show is NOT on the air! My ratings are dead in the water! What the !@#$%^& did you AOL- holes do????
AOL/TW: Don't blame us, Judge. It's HIS fault! (pointing at the plaintiff, Al Gore)
JUDY: DON'T THROW POO AT ME AND TELL ME IT'S A LIVE BROADCAST! THAT MAN IS DEAD! YOU ARE ABOUT TO PAY ROYALLY FOR THE DEATH OF MY SHOW! GET READY TO EAT IT, BUSTER! bGORE: Um, Your Honor, my name is Al Gore. I invented the Internet...
JUDY: Ohhhhh, I see. So YOU'RE THE DIPWIT WHO STARTED THIS "INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY" CRAP! WELL, GUESS WHAT? YOU GET TO JOIN YOUR TECH-HEAD WUSSY-BOYS HERE AND GO WORK ON A DIFFERENT KIND OF HIGHWAY...ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF NEW FRIENDS IN ORANGE REFLECTIVE JACKETS WHO ANSWER TO SUCH NAMES AS "FLUFFY", "SWEETIE- PIE", "SOAPDISH"...YOU GET MY DRIFT????? RUSTY!!!! HAUL THESE DILLHOLES OUT OF MY SIGHT!
RUSTY: Yes, ma'am....right away, ma'am. Case closed...
JUDY: Ahhh...not just yet. I have one teeny-weeny little piece of unfinished business....(fade out)...

CUT TO: The Oval Office.... The newly elected President of the United States has just made an astonishing announcement....
PRES: I hereby abdicate all power and authority vested in me by the Constitution of the Uni....
PRESIDENT JUDY SHEINDLIN: OH, STOP DISHING CRAP AT THESE DOGS AND TELLIN' EM THEY'RE BONES...Here's the bottom line, folks -- Justice is Blind, *I* AM FOREVER!!!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME!

NOW....case closed!

Ummm, by the way....in case you hadn't figured it out yet....this is one of those "All Mangled, Killed and Deleted" votes...

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Right after that, Dark Helmet lost. And lost big. Are you going to trust the words of someone who is dumb enough to be defeated by a guy who was once trained by a dessert? I wouldn't.

Al Gore WOULD take this one. Unfortunately, Grudge Matches can only end in death. Since Al Gore is inanimate, AOL wins by a technicality.

Guess the lawyers are good for something after all.

-

Hey. Trying to solve this match directly is like trying to calculate the limit of x/x as x approaches 0. We need to take the derivative....

Enemies of AOL:

Everyone subscribing to AOL
'Scape
Satan (Gates form)

Enemies of AL:

Satan (Hillary form)
Bill Bradley (and therefore, by extension, the NBA)
Republicans

Everyone subscribing to AOL is an idiot. Therefore, they will not be able to mount an offense, being distracted by Bright Shiny Objects(TM). The Bible (TM) states that a house divided against itself shall not stand, therefore, the two forms of Satan on opposing sides cause the collapse of Hell-- directly cutting off the power source of the Republicans, most TV executives, and Bob Saget.

So, as Bill Bradley is the reciprocal of Al Gore and Netscape is the reciprocal of AOL... this match becomes a completely solvable...

Netscape vs. the NBA

The NBA is full of 7' warriors of the hoop. Netscape has access to the Internet, which manifests itself in the form of... fanboys.

AOL wins. Calculus sucks.

- Todd "Aaagh! Finals!" Evil

- d

"The screaming crowd, if they want blood thats what they'll get from Aunty" the deranged tina thought as she came slowly to the dome. Mills Lane told the story of a father and a son, a pinnocio story of an invertor and his invention, of how it would come to blood because the son had "busted a deal". By law the father must punish the son, and the man who came forward was former VP and current Village Idiot (tm) Al Gore. His flab from too-much-junk-food-with-Bubba(tm) glistened by the torchlit arena. His opponent had fear written in his eyes as he was pushed into the sqaured circle. When they noticed that it was Steve Case the boos and catcalls echoed over all else. Aunty hushed the revelers and anounced "WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF THUNDERDOME!". The cheers could be heard for miles.

the combatants sized each other up. Mills Lane shouted "Let's get it on!" Johnny Gomez and Nick Diamond began thier commentary. 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin kicked back a few Steveweisers(tm). Steve Case clicked the SEND button to Al, but this system crashed before a connection could be made. Then from out of the sky twin meteors found the target of thunderdome destroying everyone in the area save for Stone Cold and Mills Lane. "Where's Bruce Willis when you need him" stated Mr. Austin, as he got into the Stevemobile, on his way to Vegas to collect on the bets for this fight. He put his money on "both mangled and killed"

Mills was alone in that crater when he say two others emerge, battle aura(tm) blazing with anger. He looked at them, and said "If your in my ring, your gonna fight, do you understand son?". Mills didnt have to say this. This battle was coming over millenia. This is the battle for the universe, the battle of good vs. evil, george steinbrenner Vs. Ghandi et cetera et cetera. "I THE SPIRIT OF THE GRUDGE(TM) SHALL DESTROY YOU!" The shimmers grunt with the triple "W" teeth said. The other stood motionless for a moment, then spoke "CI host has shut down many like you, you will be assimilated and destroyed." The battle was long and hard, many times did Mills judge with "Ill allow it". Then in the distance came a beam of light, no not light, but a lightsaber why it was Chris 'Jedi' Knight! with and emergency shot of energy saving The Spirit of the Grudge(tm) once and for all time.

It caused many to change their evil ways, Hotbranch! now says "I think ill only have two cases of labat's tonight" and other such things. All was seeming right in the world. when suddenly Mr. T escorting two spirts came into view. The Spirit of the Grudge(tm), barely recognized them, although they knew him. "It's us son, Brain (tm) and Steve(tm). Its time to go home". And with that we close with the ultimate defeat of the Evil CI Host and The New Adventures Of the Spirit of the Grudge(tm), coming to an website near you.

Thanks for keeping the Grudge(tm) alive STGF and always remember to brush, floss, use deoderant, and take the keys from Hotbranch! he drunk again, don't let him use THE RAGE(tm) ((had to fit it in somewhere))

- the non-prophet Joe Smith

- Virdilak, loyal devotee of Hotbranch!

Actually, it was my son, HotBranchJr™, who said to vote for AOL. He was only two weeks old at the time. I think his judgement has improved though: last week, he barfed on my shirt when an ad for AOL 5.0 came on TV. - HB!

- Charge Man

1. Al appeared on Animaniacs! That makes him a pretty cool guy(tm) in my book.

2. On Al's command, Mike, Crow, and Servo (Two time Ground Zero Champions!) riffed a five minute segment of Titanic. Let me repeat, Becase of Al, Titanic got Misted!

Clearly, there is justice in this world, and Al is the bringer of it. He has helped smite evil before, and will do so again. In the name of the WWWF, Al will destroy the evil CI Host!

- The Animator

- Mike Leung! Mike Leung!

lets look at the stats first folks. The ratings go from 0 (no impact on my life) to 10 (how can I live without it).

1. GLOBAL IMPACT: AOL 2. Al GORE 1. AoL is well known for throwing inexperienced and often times offensive newbies on the net constanly (as opposed to september when many of them log on due to school starting). Al Gores biggest impact is his potential to be president. Has a president ever had ANY impact on global affairs since the 1960's? All they do is raise taxes, supplement other nations with a few more troops, and spout propaganda. If He was president it would be a tie but as mere presidental potential he gets a 1. OUTCOME: AOL wins the first round 2 to 1.

2. IMPACT ON MY LIFE: Personal impact time. Al Gores Influence on my life. Well I can turn off political debates (or change the channel) but we also know he has the potential to do political nudging to influence the president and has the potential to BE the president. With the primary's winding up you can't avoid seeing his name here in New Hampshire. IMPACT: 2. AOL's influence would have been a even 5 if they still were sending me blank 3.5 disks to erase and store school work on. But as it is now with CD's, well lets just say I don't want, need, or use coasters. AOL's influence is a junkmail driven 1. OUTCOME gore, 2 to 1.

3. TOUGHNESS: "Crack! Snap!" Break" (Sound of AOL Disks breaking under my feet). "OUCH! HEY! STOP IT!" (Sounds of Al Gore being stepped on. OUTCOME: Gore 7 to 2. Gore doesn't shatter.

4. AGILITY: Well Gore can roll out of the way. AOL disks are not that lucky.

Gore wins. Probable outcome: Gore crashes AOL through pure ineptness.

As for WWWF vs. your former server. Well WWWF is immortal, it transcends death. Enough said here.

- ChAoS

It must be said: WWWF is nothing if not mind-expanding!! Oh yeah, CI Host gets their act together and picks up a lucrative government contract doing the official website for NASA Mars probes. I'd say the success rate of each makes them kinda deserve each other, doncha think? :-)

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight sez "It's been the best two-years, guys... see ya in the new digs!"

It is obvious that "Al Gore" could win this fight easily, but without "a", "o" or "l" we are left with " Gre" (note the space at the beginning)

While computers can handle letters and numbers and many other things in names, but one thing they can't stand is spaces at the beginning of names. So " Gre" causes a system fault and everything is:

(K)illed, (M)utilated, (D)eleted?:

and God has to re-boot the planet. . .

- Albatross

Heenan: Al Gore has been slow and deliberate. However, Steve Case hasn't been able to capitalize on it yet. Every time Case tries a maneuver, he ends up crashing.

Schiavone: Well, let's see if it works this time. Case climbs to the TOP ROPE! Gore slowly turns around. Case jumps!

Heenan: He missed! He missed! Gore was just standing there and Steve Case slipped off the top rope and landed at Al Gore's feet.

Schiavone: Now Gore is applying--if you can imagine it--the SLEEPER on Steve Case.

Heenan: It's working. You can see Case losing consciousness!

Schiavone: The referee is asking Case if he's okay.

Heenan: Schiavone! Look!

Schiavone: Ladies and gentlemen, someone is making his way down the runway to the ring!

Heenan: Is that the President? I think it's the President! Tony, is my tie straight? How's my hair?

Schiavone: No, Brain, it isn't President Clinton. It's Ted Turner. And he's carrying something...they appear to be.... Ladies and Gentlemen, Ted Turner is carrying a stack of books to the ring!

Heenan: Oh, please let them be Dr. Seuss! He's my favorite!

Schiavone: He's gonna hit him! Ted Turner just hit Al Gore in the back of the head with a stack of books!

Heenan: Al Gore doesn't appear to be moving. Ted Turner has quite a swing, you know. Didn't he play for the Bronx bombers?

Schiavone: No, Ted Turner did NOT play for the Bronx Bombers! But he did hit Al Gore with the stack of books. Now he's draping Steve Case's arm over the motionless Al Gore. AND THE REFEREE MISSED ALL OF IT!

Heenan: Was the ref reading Hop on Pop? Maybe he'll let me borrow it!

Schiavone: Fans, Al Gore has just lost.

Heenan: What are those books?

Schiavone: Ladies and gentlemen, I can see them now. Ted Turner clocked Al Gore with the Time Life Series of Corporate Mergers and Takeovers!

Heenan: Well, when Ted Turner buys something, he stands behind it...WITH A STACK OF BOOKS!

Schiavone: And that's all the time we have! So long, Fans!

- Mark Wentz

Kill 'em all and let Kibo sort 'em out.

- Aero

- yippy skippy man!

Fret not, fair yippy skippy! I will be there, although I must announce that I prefer Jif over skippy... - HB!

Can't this Gore guy get anything right? He seems to have a hard enough time talking. When asked: What is the biggest mistake you have made in your political career?

Answer: I would say that my biggest mistake was in my choice of words when I claimed to have taken the lead in the Congress in creating the Internet. Im proud of what I did in that area, incidentally, because there was a little network called DARPANET in the Pentagon, and I did take the lead in the Congress in providing funding for the people who created what later became the Internet.

Sounds like a lot of Mumbo-jumbo to me. A lot of words, but very little said. What the heck is DARPANET? Sounds like something the Sherpas use in Tibet to catch falling rock climbers. He also makes it sound like the internet was an American government project. If this was the case, the CIA would be monitoring every little.....uh oh! Now we're in for it. Watch out, conspiracy theory. X-Files, truse no one.

Bye bye. I'm signing off. This is not me.

- Elbowes

World domination at last!!!!!

The Linux penguin will peck them to death.
Mozilla will roast them extra crispy.
The GNU gnu will impale them.
Even the APACHE feather can tickle them to death!

They should know better than to claim the rightful lordship of the internet from those who built and maintain it.

- --OpenSource advocate #986123

- BOB Slayer of the Wild Spams

First, the service of Lamerz - sure, they have hakerz with 3133+3 sk331z (and, consequently, completely incoherent typing as demonstrated), but against what security? Give me three minutes (I'm on a slow dial-up connection) and I can get a copy of AOL4Free, the content developer's tools, and whatever other tools I see fit to steal, cheat, and wreck any content area there. Which is why I'm not there - it's a waste of my time, and so are they. Sure, in the fight, I guess they could try spamming Al to death (they're good at that), except that secretaries handle all his mail in between Clinton appointments. And, were they to win, we could be getting beat to a pulp by CI Host, but, with the response time from their complaint department, we'd be buried before they even responded back with, "Um, that's beyond our control...sorry." Worse, we wouldn't be able to get rid of them without going through promises of free AOL for up to two years we don't want.

Not that the alternative is any better. Dan Quayle wasn't able to spell potato, but at least he read election rules before campaigning and had someone explain them to him. No, all Al Gore knows is that the world is going to computers and trash, and that his job is to repeat dutifully the words spoken to him by the white-haired guy with the saxophone in the oval-shaped office getting a blow job. Yes, he invented the Internet, if you believe him. And if you believe him, you probably should hear his boss, or buy a bridge in the Brooklyn district. Yes, he's in the number two seat in the White House, so he brings some political muscle to the fight - if there's a tie in the Senate, maybe...for the next eleven months. Okay, maybe a couple of Secret Service agents, too, just for numbers' sake. Against AOL's juggernaut, it'll maybe look hilarious, though I'm probably giving that credit. (Or, perhaps, AOL's incompetents.) After that, his existence in life is a ranting paperweight, and he couldn't wire up one computer by himself, if he tried, let alone be worthy of guarding the WWWF from CI Host.

"But how will the fight go?" you ask. Well, there is but one other example of characters so reviled, so hated by the Internet community in the entirety of Grudge Match history. And the throngs coming to watch will, in fact, bring the heads of both Wesley and Barney to this fight, on poles, the skulls having been pieced together from the dust-like fragments left in the gloriously gory aftermath, as well as the assorted armament that put them that way, loaded, cocked, and ready to finish this when the referee yells "Set!", and well before either of these two entities can say "Local ISP?"

Having made the world a better place through the creation of two new craters in Al's beloved Earth, the throng continues on to CI Host and, with some English Soccer Hooligans in tow (who thought the mob was due to a UK match - why else would they be so worked up like that?), explain the importance of proper server maintenence to them in a direct, if disgustingly crude, manner. For, it no longer is no matter - soon, the move to "The Funniest" shall occur, and no longer shall CI Host even be relevant. All hail our new defenders - The Funniest!

- Nicholas Eckert, a.k.a. the Vidstudent

- x_los

Oh, wait, ALL killed, mutilated, deleted. <whew>!

- D@t@-Kun

- BF, son of RF

Back in 1941, the two rising ideologies in the world were fascism and Communism. The ascendancy of one would have meant disaster for the world. What happened instead was that Germany and the U.S.S.R. went to war. One of them was utterly crushed, and the other so badly desanguinated that after decades of travail, the forces of democracy were able to truimph. (Yeah, the same forces that put Tree Boy in high political office, but ignore that for the moment.)

Today, there are two great powers in the Internet world, AOL and Microsoft. Getting rid of one merely ensures the supremacy of the other. However, if both remain intact, someday there will be a titanic struggle. One will be ground to dust, and the other so weakened that it will inevitably fall.

They are the Nazis and Soviets of the present day, and to get them to grips, Poland(a.k.a. Algore) will have to meet its fate. Then the Great War can commence, leaving the way clear for the ultimate victory of the forces of freedom.

By which I mean, the Internet start-up I've got lined up for the third quarter of 2000. If you'd like to get in on the ground floor, send your name, address, and credit card number to Remainder of this response deleted by order of the Securities and Exchange Commission.

- Call me Shane

Bill: "What's our email address?"
Al: "I think it's www.whitehouse.gov."

That said, I have to pick AOL. But cheer up, it could have been worse.

It could have been WebTV.

- -pupdog

And Al Gore is not hard to tell.

The voters are thrilled

by ³Both Mangled and Killed²

Both will obviously go straight to hell.

- Kilgore Trout

So it is written, so it shall come to pass.....

Qoute the Raven...Nevermore...

- DeathStalker II

- Fade the Cat

- 1/2 Nelson

On the other hand, AOL once refused to deliver an email of mine because I quoted the first paragraph of "The Catcher In The Rye."

- Loss Leader

- FOOB!

Surprise! This response is from AOL. - Eds.

- Ian

Al Gore: "I invented the Internet"
"That was me and Tipper in 'Love Story'"
"I've never lied about my record"
"I discovered Love Canal"
"Bill Clinton is a great man."

Either all this hot air and all that manufacturing activity are causinfg Global Warming, or their holding back glaciers that would otherwise crush our civilization. Until we have more data, please spare their lives. Send Al over to Monday Night Football ("I remember when I was the quarterback of the Cowboys..."), as long as there's some kind of safety device that will keep his co-hosts from being air-popped like popcorn.

- Mr. Silverback-A day without an "All mangled..." button is like a day without sunshine.

Quite simply, Al Gore is the Unabomber. Take the test yourself, and see if you can tell the difference. Being the unabomber, Al tries to send AOL a mailbomb. However, since AOL's mail system is so patently unreliable, the package will be marked return to sender, resulting in Al becoming one with the earth, but in several hundred small pieces.

- Thinkmaster General

- Jwitz

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

As the bellowing thunder receded, a ruckus grew in the distance. "Igor, go see who's making that noise," he ordered.

"Nnnnghh, yessss, Masterrr." The hunchbacked assistant scuttled up the staircase to the second-story window and gazed out to see a vast mob armed with torches and pitchforks.

At the sight of the lit window and face above the solid oak portal, the crowd roared even more angrily as the voice of its leader rose above the din. "We marched out here to Washington for a reason!" shouted Pat Buchanan. "We know what you're doing in there, we know what foul works the political establishment concocts with our tax dollars! There are some things man was not meant to delve into! Open the door, that we may confront he who would be Prometheus!"

"That will not be necessary, Pat, for I am here," replied the scientist, who had now joined his servant. "I assure you, my experiments will bring only great benefits to humankind."

Voices from the mob cry, "There's Dr. Gore!" "Break down the gate!"

"Quickly, Igor, gather the hounds in the anteroom and unleash them."

Thuds emanated from the contact point between the oakwood and the ram, steadily growing until their culmination in a CRASH! As the majority of the crowd tried to storm the castle, the terrified front rows collided with them in their efforts to escape what was now revealed. A dozen braying, frothing-at-the-mouth donkeys poured out through the shattered door, evoking terror in all who saw, heard, and smelled them. Two minutes later, the only vestiges of Pat Buchanan's pitchfork-rebellion were shreds of clothing and distant, isolated shrieks.

"Excellent. Let's get back to work now, shall we?" The tall man of plain countenance and his dwarfen companion returned to the laboratory to look over the homonculus. "This simply will not do. Tandy(tm) innards are fine for memory, but my creation needs something more for its logic center: a messianic drive to take over the world!"

The servant handed Dr. Gore a jar of chips. "No, Igor, Apple II+ components are better, but lack the frustration of a declining power."

The next offering was more than adequate. "Perfect!" crowed Dr. Gore as he inserted the remains of the VIC 20. "Release the metal kites!"

All over the laboratory, vats bubbled, circuitboards hissed, and arcs of Jacob's ladders repeated their hopeless bids for godhood. The scientist pulled the last of the row of switches, and the gurney lifted his lifework up beyond the castle's rafters.

All the world seemed to turn white as the lightning struck home. Dr. Gore's stoic face concealed his ecstacy as he lowered his dream back to the floor and the ambitious pair huddled eagerly over it in anticipation. A hum grew from the computerized composite, but seconds seemed like hours as nothing else happened. Suddenly, the screen flickered, to show a colorful test-pattern-type display.

"Alive! It's ALIVE!!!" screamed Igor in his mad dance.

"This is the most exciting moment of my life," said Gore expressionlessly. "Behold, it has already developed self-awareness. It appears to call itself, 'Quantum Link'(R)." "Nnnghh, look, Massster, it wantsss us to visit 'People Connection.'"

A visiting English student could have foreseen the rest. This unnatural carrier of life sought to know itself by knowing its creator, to be something more than a system of pre-programmed responses, but alas, the scientist himself was too mechanical to provide inspiration. The depraved cybernetic entity fled into the countryside, where it would grow and devolve to bring ruin to the villagers via dumbing-down restrictions, forwarded jokes and urban legends that would not die, and endless, endless chat room sessions. Inevitably, this version of the "Internet" would return to destroy its creator. Such are the risks of wreaking abominations while playing God.

... To be continued in "Bride of AOL"!

- Matt Bricker

THE FINAL WORD...™

Wait a sec, how exactly are you going to tell when Al Gore's dead?

- "Mad Dog" Mike

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Microsoft v. Disney
Kenneth Starr v. Bill Clinton
Ross Perot v. Montgomery Burns

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