Sloane Peterson pulls out her cell phone and dials her boyfriend's phone number. After three rings, the call is answered. "Ferris," she begins. "What are you doing at home? Class starts in a few minutes."
"Well, yesterday was so tiring, I felt I needed to take another day off," responds the school's champion truant.
"Mister Rooney was fired and replaced," Sloane says.
"Do I know how to cap off my senior year or what?" Ferris laughs, "I left his cheese so far out in the wind..."
Sloane interrupts urgently, "Ferris! You don't understand. Rooney was replaced by some guy named Joe Clark. Apparently a real hardass. Crap! He just walked in."
"Keep me on the line," Ferris says. "I want to hear what he's like."
"Good morning, class. I'm your new principal, Mister Clark." Making no effort to conceal his baseball bat, he continues. "Let's get one thing straight, I'm HNIC of this school now and I will NOT tolerate truancy, drugs, tardiness, or violence! I've tamed schools a thousand times tougher than this prissy suburban pisshole, and NOBODY is going to break my rules."
Clark pauses, "Who's seat is that?" He points to the only empty desk in the classroom.
One of the class dopers answers. "Ferris Bueller's, dude. But I heard from a friend of a girl who lives on his block that he's still out sick. He barfed up a lung or something."
"Bueller," replies Clark as he begins smacking his palm with his baseball bat. "Buuuuuuueller... Follow my rules, and you should live long enough to graduate. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a truant to drag back to class."
As Clark leaves the classroom, Sloane begs Ferris to come to school. "This guy means business, Ferris. Get over here now! Your days off have gone too far, he'll find you out."
"Thanks for the tip, Sloane. But A) You can never go too far and B) if I'm going to get caught, it's not going to be by a guy like that."
So, John, will the educator expel the evader or will the truant take the teacher to town?
Note to our readers: On September 12, 1999, HotBranch! and Thinkmaster General
got together in Montreal to bring you this Ground Zero first:
the first ever live WWWF match! Although flash photography was not allowed by the establishment
they patronized, we bring you below an artist's rendition of this groundbreaking event.
(atmosphere courtesy of McLean's Pub in downtown Montreal)
JOHN: To begin with, HotBranch!, let me point out that it was none other than Ed Rooney who actually caught Ferris Bueller during the movie. The only way he could extricate himself was was to rely on his sister, who I might add, he later slept with! Needless to say, Joe Clark is much tougher than Ed Rooney. Hence one dead Ferris to mount on the den wall.
HOTBRANCH: Incest aside, the only way Rooney "caught" Bueller was to use the brilliant ruse of going to Bueller's house and waiting for him. This, after he combed the entire city of Chicago and missing many a fine opportunity to nab his prey.
JOHN: Well what the hell do you expect someone to do, stay away from his house?
HOTBRANCH: I seriously doubt that Clark will kill Bueller if he does manage to catch him, which he won't. Ferris has the entire city of Chicago to play and hide in. Clark is not from the windy city and will be out of his element. What is the point of waiting at Bueller's house if he won't be there to be caught?
JOHN: Well that is just the answer I expected from a nancy-boy like you. Joe Clark and I are from the streets - it doesn't matter what city we're in, when we're in our element, we live and breathe the streets! We are the night! Ferris is so out of his element on the streets, it's embarrassing.
HOTBRANCH: Out of his element? What the hell are you talking about? He managed to convince a snooty Maitre'D that he was the freaking sausage king of Chicago, fercrissakes! The boy may live in the burbs, but he has street smarts to spare.
JOHN: This is incredible. I know that you and other members of the (makes quotation gesture) media elite like to think that some white bread Midwestern tater tot could blend in with the streets, but let me assure you that your horse-fisting ways are so out of scope here that you might as well give up now.
(stunned silence while HotBranch! tries to figure out how horse-fisting got into this debate)
JOHN: Might I also point out that Joe Clark carries with him a baseball bat, which any wrestling fan will tell you is the highest-order weapon. First there comes fists, then cookie sheets and garbage cans, then finally baseball bats. One swing at Bueller, and it's his head that will be travelling over the foul poles at Wrigley field.
HOTBRANCH: You dare bring wrestling into this match after the pounding those fags took at the hands of boxers? Puhlease. Bueller will simply whip out some Rube Goldberg-like contraption and have Clark tied up with his own intestines from the school flagpole.
JOHN: Let me bring up another point - that of where Joe Clark comes from. Joe Clark says he is "HNIC". Let us take a moment and deconstruct this sentence. (making emphatic Louis Farrakhan gestures) Now what does the HNIC stand for? Well, some might say that it stands for Hockey Night In Canada. Joe Clark is a obviously a genuine Canadian icon. In fact, I would say, Joe Clark for Prime Minister!
HOTBRANCH: If, by icon, you mean small and insignificant, ok. He's an icon...
JOHN: Now HotBranch, I figured you to be soft-headed, and evidently quite smelly, but since when did you feel you had license to betray our people?
HOTBRANCH: I'm only smelly because you threw your damn hot nuts at me! If you plan to waste your breath on a Canadian Prime Minister who was in office for a WHOPPING 9 months and looks best with a Don King hairdo, wake me when you're ready to return to the facts at hand. Clearly, that penile ring around your neck is cutting off oxygen to your brain. A very brave fashion accessory, though. Joe Clark is little more than an auto-bot principal, much like Principal Skinner, and Ferris is infinitely more resourceful than a 10-year old Bart Simpson.
JOHN: I must say, having this debate in person is made much easier owing to the fact that after every one of your arguments you titter and giggle like a little girl. Highly comely. None of which evades the fact that an "automaton" such as Joe Clark will tirelessly pursue Ferris Bueller on his home ground and whack him like the proverbial Springfieldian snake. Speaking of whacked, what exactly are you doing with those onion rings?
HOTBRANCH: Since you insist on avoiding facts and reality - what is that, your twelfth pitcher? I will remind you, with another potent Simpsonian reference, that Superintendent Chalmers freely admits that schools are going to hell in a handbasket. Efficient men like Clark and Skinner are no longer needed.
JOHN: You know, HotBranch, your arguments would have merit if but for two factors: 1) you were me, and 2) if you paid attention to any of the facts here. Bueller openly places himself in jeopardy - in the middle of a Chicago parade, on TV at a Cubs game. Let's face it - inside he's just asking to be caught. And Joe Clark is definitely the right guy to catch him.
HOTBRANCH: Only the truly confident will expose their position to the enemy, in order to lure them away from the safety of their perch. When Clark pokes his head out, BLAMO! Ferris will teach him who's really in charge of the school. This man is clearly deranged and will be fired by the metro-Chicago school board before lunch.
JOHN: Oh yeah, like the Chicago municipal authorities aren't high or loaded all the freaking time. Your karmic brothers and sisters. Let's face it, not everyone lives in the John Hughes-ville that is Westmount, where Anthony Michael-Hall comically comes over to borrow a cup of sugar and ends up snorting it instead and pretending he's high.
HOTBRANCH: Obviously, your drinking buddy and bitch-to-be, Robert Downey Jr, has taught you some new tricks... Finally, I have to question Clark's sanity and intelligence. This is the man who expelled Opus the Penguin from a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model-filled heaven when he had a near-death experience. What have penguins ever done bad?
JOHN: Your arguments are as completely without merit as you are without cash. Why the hell do I always end up paying the check? Let's see if we can get the waitress with the nice rack over here.
HOTBRANCH: Still evading the facts. Why don't you just roll over and give up now? The waitress might take pity on you. She might even share your hot nuts...
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The current score has Ferris Bueller leading Joe Clark by a score of 102 to 65. I had no idea rectal-cranial inversion was running so rampantly. If you think that Ferris has any chance (cue "No Chance in Hell...) against Batman, then you are obvioiusly in need of a reality check:
1. Joe Clark was a principal in the inner city, facing down gangbangers, dope fiends, and worst of all, the Indifferent, Stodgy School Board of Doom. Ferris' opponent? Ed Rooney??? The Team Rocket of Principal-dom? Come on...
2. Ferris Bueller=Matthew Broderick. Ooooh, I'm scared. Whatcha gonna do, reprogram my computer, Project X boy? Or defeat Godzilla, who as we all saw, jobbed horribly in the WWWF Grudge Tournament of Champions. Joe Clark=Morgan Freeman. Red in the Shawshank Redemption. 'Nuff said.
3. The match takes place in Chicago and the surrounding area. This is a bit more ambiguous, so bear with me. Being a native, I can tell you that the Chicago area is diverse. REALLY diverse. You may think you've seen diversity before, but that's just peanuts compared to how mixed up this city is. 5 minutes away from the Magnificent Mile, you have the worst slums in the Western Hemisphere... let's see Ferris survive Robert Taylor Homes. Joe Clark, being a master of survival, can easily elude a few racist cops in Homewood-Flossmoor, however.
4. Enemies, enemies, ENEMIES! You forget, Ferris has a major rival in PARKER LEWIS! NOT TO MENTION ZACK MORRIS! You think they're not gonna turn him in? I refer you to ancient Rome, and the Triumvirate. Look it up. No one is crazy enough to oppose Joe Clark when is in a killin' mood.
There you have it. Ferris is a great slacker, no doubt... but for the rest of this semester, he'll be listening to every single one of Ben Stein's economics lectures... in a full body cast.
- Todd Evil
Ferris Bueller, aside from that whole pesky "icon of a generation" schtick he's got (truly, he represents the last time Matthew Broderick was ever cool in any capacity), is from that same generic, well-off Chicago suburb that John Hughes sets all his movies in. That, a 'phone book, and a fair amount of money stolen from his sister are the only things he needs to survive this match.
Joe Clark arrives at the Bueller residence, easily detecting and destroying the "Hi this is Ferris I'm horribly sick with the Ebola virus" recording at the front door. However, upon entering the front hall, Clark discovers that destroying the recording was the trigger for an elaborate trap involving swinging paint cans, and takes one to the skull. Now, enraged and dazed with pain, Clark proceeds to search the house, encountering slippery floors, glue-laced staircases, toy-strewn hallways, and an intricate gauntlet of terrifying traps that would make Lara Croft turn tail and run like hell.
When he finally reaches the top floor, at 2:59 pm, just before Chicago high schools let out for the day, he roars "BUELLER! YOUR ASS IS MINE!" Clutching his now-broken baseball bat, he smashes through the last door--
-- and discovers it wasn't a door at all, but a cleverly disguised window. Clark falls two stories onto a trampoline, bounces into the air, and lands in the neighbors' yard, complete with the Rottweiler that nearly ate Rooney the day before. Clark, with only a broken bat to defend himself, fares about as well as Rooney did.
Back in the Bueller residence...
Kevin McAllister dials his cell phone. "Ferris? He's finished."
"Good job, Kevin. I'll pay you off when I get back from the Cubs game."
"Cool." McAllister shuts down the 'phone. "Do you give up, Clark? Or are you thirsty for more?"
- Thomas Wilde
Impressive. You have learned much since the last two matches.
I believe Mr. Stein said it best: "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" Hell, yeah, it's gonna be Ferris.
Why would this student of skipping be victorious? Simple.
He doesn't give a damn. This psycho not only decided to skip school, he went to some of the most obvious places in the city of Chicago, and he still got away with it! His father's favorite restaurant, where he imitated the sausage king of Chicago and got his highly neurotic friend to imitate a police officer? Getting his girlfriend to flirt with his father? *shudder* Catching a fly ball at Wrigley Field with cameras splattered all over the place? Overtaking a parade float, playing a song that everyone gets into, and the police still do nothing about it? This kid has a devil-may-care attitude and almost Indiana Jones"-like luck. What does Joe Clark have? A baseball bat. Oooo, I'm scared. Most likely, Ferris will have another scheme cooked up where the entire city of Chicago is rooting for him, and any opposition will be met by a bloodthirsty mob chanting "Save Ferris! Save Ferris!" and hungry for the asshole who would try to beat that poor young angel.
End scene? Ferris drives to Vegas in a Jag with Sloane and Cameron in tow, as the man who screwed with the Robin Hood legend drives away in shame with some wierd, geeky girl offering him warm Gummi Bears. You don't screw with Robin Hood, man. And you don't screw with Ferris Bueller.
- Tracer Malone
Okay. I'll stop now before I cause any serious damage, to myself or otherwise.
- Vermin Boy
- Or Project X or The Road to Wellville or...
Never mind knowing how to handle the drawbridges over the Chicago River.
Nor, for that matter, trying to figure out if he's on I 90, whether he is on the Kennedy Expressway, the Tri-State or the Ike (or maybe Dan Ryan) and why it's backed up at "The Extention" making for an hour and a half drive time.
Hands down, it's Bueller who's climbing the steps at the Natural History Museum, arms raised in a Rocky-esque pose, ready to take on much lamer material - like Godzilla or maybe Inspector Gadget.
- Hurricane Andrew
Mr. Clark (if I called him anything but Mr. Clark, he'd break my nose)lives in the mean streets. Ferret-Boy Bueler lives on the upper-east side. Mr. Clark must obviously have connections with the crime community, he knows names and faces.
Mr. Clark calls Samuel L. Jackson:
Mr. Clark: "Hey yo, Jules! My man downtown!"
Mr. Jackson: "YO! Whassup Mr. Clark?" (see? even Samuel L. Jackson gives the guy respect)
MC: "I've got a runner here, my man."
SLJ: "No problem, bro. What you want done about it?"
MC: "I'm prepared to scour the earth for that motherf***er. If Ferris goes to Indochina, I want a nigga wanting in a bowl of rice to cap his ass."
SLJ: "You ain't got no problems Mr. Clark. I'm on the motherf***er. Go back in there, and chill them niggas out. Wait for the calvary which should arrive shortly."
So you see, it doesn't really matter how many parades he hides in or how many clever mind games Ferris tries to play. He tries that whole snoring mannequin bit, Mr. Jackson just shoots the hell out of the mannequin. Ferris tries to hide out in a parade. Mr. Jackson shoots the hell out of the stupid little guys in their stupid little animal suits.
In the end, Samuel L. Jackson corners Ferris, and either swears at him until he cries, or shoots the hell out of him. Either way, He's going to screw both Ferris' sister and his girlfriend. Maybe He'll shoot that neurotic friend of his in the Wings jersey too. Then he'll shoot Charlie Sheen.
The bottom line is, a movie that was once rated PG-13 and enjoyed by millions of spoiled kids in the 80's, is now rated NC-17 and can be enjoyed by millions of spoiled kids in the 90's.
God Bless Joe Clark.
- The Black Goat
However, the Laws of Grudge Match (tm) state very clearly that all grudge matches must end in only one way: DEATH
No matter what, it's gonna end with a bloodbath. And who has the fighting edge? Clark, that's who. He's pissed. He doesn't take crap. He carries a baseball bat. And he comes from the single most rage-and- insanity-causing job in the world: Prime Minister of Canada.
Think about it. William Lyon MacKenzie King only held the job for 10 years because he was a raving lunatic to start with. Jean Chretien beat the holy crap out a student protester. What kind of protester? Student! The difference between that guy and the uberstudent Bueller isn't much. Clark only had the job for 9 months, but he's gotta be tainted.
Bueller can't fight. He's not built for it. He's a little guy, who can run like hell, but in a close-combat fight? Not even close.
So, I imagine THE END will go something like this.
(Somewhere near Japan)
BUELLER: Geez, I hope I can find a phone soon so I can call Sloan and Cameron. Hey, little bald guy, you got a phone?
MONK: Hotbranchee wa baka. (Ancient chanting)
BUELLER: Darn. Ah well, I won't let it bug me. Hey, you know Kung Fu?
MONK: Hai, Gaijin. (Yes, little lily-white boy)
BUELLER: Think you could teach me?
MONK: (shakes head)
BUELLER: How come?
MONK: Jonnee wa baka-sama (You won't live long enough. I can see the future, you know.)
MONK walks back to the monastery, Ohmmming along, leaving BUELLER behind.
BUELLER: Live long and prosper, little guy.
(BUELLER turns, looking into the mists of the mountains. Suddenly, a shape appears in the mists.)
CLARK (Sounding like Death): FERRIS. BUELLER.
BUELLER: Whoa, don't you ever give up?
(CLARK walks out of the mists. He's soaking wet, his clothes are torn and the bat is still dripping with the blood of Frenchmen he beat the crap out of a few countries back.)
BUELLER: You should really relax, man, chill out. I mean...
(Before Bueller can finish his inspirational speech, he gets blindsided by Clark's bat. BUELLER, still cheerful as hell, topples off the mountain.)
BUELLER (in mid-air): I'll survive this, you know.
(CLARK pulls out a handgun he confiscated and shoots Bueller multiple times. Bueller gapes as he falls into the chasm, his luck finally run dry. CLARK carves another notch on his bat.
CLARK (really cool silhouette shot, him against the setting asian sun): IT IS FINISHED. (returns to normal voice) Damn, it took me half a year to do that. They've probably got a new principal by now.
(CLARK trudges down the mountain)
(Back at Shermer, chaos. Cannibal gangs run amok, scool supplies are used as weapons in fights for cafeteria foods, the teachers are gutted and shown as war trophies
SCREECH: Mister Belding! HELLLLPP!!!
Bonus trivia-points to both of you for mentioning Opus and the Canadian MP effect.
- Morton "Sloan Petersen was hotter n' a tamale" von Buggery
I cite Ferris' "Shake it Up Baby" scene and Joe's "They used to call me Crazy Joe, now they call me Batman!" scene as proof of the above statement.
This match will quickly degenerate into Ferris and Joe simply trying to outshine one another for the oohing and aahing WWWF fans.
I predict a slow and lingering death for both from overexposure.
For the love of god, stop the madness. Nothing good can come from this.
Not only is Joe Clark a Marine, his dislike for taking orders from the board of education indicates that he has no regard for the "chain of command". In all armed services, the first thing that is pounded into a soldier's skull is the importance of always obeying your superiors without question. Given the fact that, despite the USMC's drill instructors and other training techniques, Joe Clark doesn't fully accept the chain of command concept indicates that he is *extremely* tough and resolute, even by USMC standards. An insubordinate Marine who survived his time is super tough and no teenager is going to get the best of him.
- The Demented Astronomer
"Wow, this guy really is a hardass," Ferris thinks to himself as he peeks in through one of the windows. "Geez, if I wasn't myself today I would be worried."
Clark's intentions are of course malicious. As the principal strides toward the office, his shoes clack across the linoleum. He cofidently swings his bat as it shatters the glass of the trophy case. Large gold statuettes hit the floor coupled with bits of shrapnel.
Joe's eyes slink around. The boy is somewhere around here. Why did he come? He thinks. It didn't matter... He now had proof he played hookey and now punition awaited.
Clark turns the corner. A blur of white glazes his vision and he is struck a blow to the head. He drops onto his back and loses consciousness.
Ferris Bueller chuckles as he picks his Major League baseball from the principal's forehead. "How I abhor violence," Ferris tries to convince himself. "I think I still might be sick. I don't know... I don't want to risk it." He places a quarter-full bottle of tequila in Joe's open hand. He casually throws the ball into the air as he exits the school.
Joe is found several hours later. The superintendant is enraged. "Good God! I thought I found a disciplinarian to get these kids in check, but instead I see him flat on his ass on the sauce!" He calls across the hall. "GRACE! Get Rooney on the phone! We need him back! And see if you can find another replacement for the faculty while you're at it!"
"Hello, I'm your new teacher. Wait.... who sits in that empty seat there?"
"Ferris Bueller, man. Heard he's, like, super-sick. I think he's on the throes of death, or something."
"Sick, eh? Well, no one crosses Mrs. Tingle and gets away with it. Stay here, class."
- Charge Man
Okay. Let's compare the two.
Joe Clark: High School from hell. Weapons, drugs, death, nuclear weapons (hey, they didn't show them, but you KNOW they had 'em)...and he slapped them down and pushed them out of the school. Cripes! That's one fearless mofo.
Ferris Bueller: High-income household. Friend with primo vehicle. Punk. No actual survival skills in a world with any skepticism at all. WEAPONS
Joe Clark: Baseball bat. BIG FRIGGIN' BEATING STICK!!! What else needs to be said?
Ferris Bueller: His wit. Which, as I recall, mostly consisted of imitations and disguises that wouldn't fool anyone who didn't ride the short bus to school.
Joe Clark: School full of misfits, druggies, psychopaths, and people that would happily MARCH ON A JAIL for him.
Ferris Bueller: Cameron, neurotic halfwit.
Joe Clark: Rid the school from hell of all unwanted influence.
Ferris Bueller: Stopped by Rooney's hand...on the door. His sister...his *sister*...had to save him. If she hadn't had a change of heart, he would have been so much more mud on the bottom of Rooney's shoe.
Bueller returns to school, looking like a red-headed stepchild, and never misses another day again...due to the fact that he's now Joe Clark's personal bitch.
- that guy that you know
But just as Clark corners our favorite truant and levels his gun, Ferris shouts "Go, go, gadget copter!" and a rotor sprouts from his head and he is GONE! And that rumbling noise behind Clark seems to be . . . Godzilla! SMOOSH! The "Head Lizard in Charge" makes street pizza out of Clark. Ferris goes on to marry the seductive Sarah Jessica Parker and lives happily ever after. . . .
1)Parker Lewis Can't Loose.
2)Ferris Bueller's Day Off Inspired the short-lived show of the aforementionned name.
3)As all television that is based even loosely on a movie is inherently inferior (ie. The light from the movie's quality level takes a billion years to reach the level of the television show), Ferris Bueller is better than Parker Lewis.
Ergo, if Parker Lewis Can't Lose and Ferris Bueller is better than Parker Lewis, what other fate can be in store for Mr. Joe Clark than his ultimate destruction?
1. I forgot who Joe Clark was, in spite of having watched Lean on Me TWICE during my middle school days. I will NEVER forget Bueller.
2. Bueller is Matthew Broderrick, who was that 133t hacker kid in WarGames, as well as (More recently) Inspector Gadget.
3. Ferris Bueller's Day Off had Ben Stein in it. NO ONE associated with the great Benjamin J. Stein will EVER lose a Grudge Match. As an example of Ben's greatness, me and this kid in my homeroom who has nothing in common with me (Well, almost nothing) BOTH LOVE Ben's classic "Bueller?". Bueller, very quickly.
- Dark Fact
- Captain Demento
1) Ferris Bueller vs. Joe Clark
2) Matthew Broderick vs. Morgan Freeman
3) Skinny Smart-Ass White Boy vs. Angry Black Man With Baseball Bat
Ferris Bueller has reason to know fear! Pray for him.
- Don "King" Milliken
When I see Morgan Freeman, the toughest part I've seen him play (aside from HNIC) was Robin Hood's Moorish sidekick. Now if that story were played in the 20th century, he'd be considered an Islamic fundamentalist and be all chummy with nuts like the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, Yassir Arafat, Muammar Qaddafi, and Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, he's out and about driving Miss Daisy.
Ferris has not only been a truant, but he has brought the world to the threshold of Global Thermonuclear War, and he hunts giant lizards in his spare time. And if either of you gentlemen(?) have been paying any attention to American news, you'd know the totally depraved levels our schoolchildren are hitting. They're blasting away everything and everyone in sight!
School's out for Bueller.
- TGF(aS)KA Eddie
Ferris Bueller's Day Off may be one of the great movies of the 80's, and let's admit it, we all wanted to be Ferris Bueller. His girlfriend was Mia Sara, his sister was hot (like he never spied her in the shower like I want to, sure), he had it made. I wanted to be him, and so did everyone else.
Who wants to be Joe Clark? No way can he beat the (dare I say it? Yes, I dare!) Mentos-level coolness of Ferris in this one.
- Adam B.
- Hatter (no I'm not Mad)
It don't matter how many bats you're carrying; you ain't gonna make economics exciting. (Grammar neither.)
Joe Clark has a much more difficult task ahead of him than finding Ferris. He needs to keep his economics class awake.
More power to him on that!
- Mark Wentz
Ferris rides the elevator to the fourth floor, wanting to visit his buddy Cameron, who was hospitalized after his father beat the crap out of him for wrecking his treasured car. As he exits the elevator onto the fourth floor, he can hear Cameron being interrogated by none other than Joe Clark.
"You tell me where Bueller is, boy, or I'll make your high school life a living hell!" screams Clark.
"*gasp* *gurgle* *pffht*", says Cameron.
"Okay, your not going to answer me? Fine. Your expelled from school, son. Don't ever let me see you in my hallways again." says Clark.
Meanwhile, Ferris Bueller has swiped a lab coat and stethoscope, and enters the room to check up on Cameron. Joe Clark has no idea who the doctor really is. "Sir, you need to leave now, the patient needs his rest." says Bueller.
"I'll deal with you later!" says Clark, as he marches from the room. He gets all the way to the elevators before he realizes that the doctor looked exactly like his mug-shot of Ferris Bueller. "That dirty little mutha!" Running and a little out of breath, he arrives back at room 44 and grabs the "doctor" by the neck, and practically carries him back to school.
"Not bad for a days work, eh?" he asks his secretary. "So, Mr. Bueller, you think you can cut class in my school, think again!"
"Uh, Mr. Clark, err, thats not Ferris Bueller." says the dingy secretary. He spins the "doctor" around to find out that it's not Ferris Bueller, but a real doctor.
At that instant, a swat team storms into the principals office and tries to arrest Joe Clark for kidnapping. A brief struggle ensues, and Mr. Clark gets shot resisting arrest.
As he's carted off to the hospital (with a police officer in the ambulance) he notices that Ferris Bueller himself is driving.
- "Mad Dog" Mike
- Al B. Tross
Joe Clark was a New Jersey high school principal. He was Prime Minister of Canada.
"Ferris Buellar's Day Off" is J. Danforth Quayle's favorite movie.
Joe Clark actually lost his office to a man with a French name.
OK, history has to decide. Quayle could have been leader of the USA. Clark was leader of Canada. The US tried to invade Canada in 1812 and Canada won.
Clark bats Buellar out of school and off the cliffs too.
- Renfield Turnbull
Second, Clark has one of the clearest cases of the RAGE(TM) I have ever seen. He is a black man. Bueller is an evil white male(TM). I shall not go into detail of the sins of the evil white male, but according to revisionist historians, feminists, etc. everywhere they are: inventing slavery, oppressing every minority ever known to man, war itself, etc. Now as any sane person will tell you, this just ain't so. Howver, a person suffering from the RAGE(TM) ain't gonna listen to no logic no matter how true it is. If Bueller makes a stright beeline for Siberia, I'll give him a 10% chance of mere survival.
PS. I am one of the "evil white males"(TM). However, I am ALSO a 2nd generation American with a large amount of Eastern European in me. I think that deserves a scholarship. I also think I deserve an apology from those aforementioned feminist, etc groups for being blamed for the Civil War, cause my ancestors WRE NOT around. Sorry about that, but I have a real problem with this white male root of all evil thing. The feminists vs some white males would make a damn good grudge match.....
- The CABLE GUY was a good movie! It was just dark! You people all went expecting a light sappy little Jim Carrey giggle-fest and you were just pissed 'cause it was a dark comedy! YOU'RE JUST BITTER !
But Jerry Springer books Clark for next week's show: I'm a Bat-Swinging Teacher, But I Want To Be A Stereotyped Chauffeur For An Old, White Lady.
- 1/2 Nelson
Joe Clark: Psycho principal with a near Shaft-like penchant for violence.
Ferris Bueller: The ultimate conman
now Ferris will do a good job of staying away from the principal, but eventually Mr. Clark will catch up with him. Normally Ferris would be dead at this point, but In the past he claimed that he was Batman.........for this transgression, one of 2 things will happen
a) The lawyers for DC comics will come in and sue Mr. Clark and the entire school district for trademark infringement. They will win, and the district will collapse finnancially and shut down, ensuring that Ferris will never return to school
b) Batman will find out that this principal is using his name.....and whould YOU want to be in Mr. Clarks shoes when Bruce "The man to whom a broken spine is a recoverable injury" Wayne comes a gunning for him?......I didn't think so.
- Amish Commando
Besides.. Hotbranch! likes Ferris, and that's good enough for me.
- Virdilak, loyal follower of Hotbranch!
Bueller: White as in The same type of kids who went postal in Littleton +1 Ferris
Clark: African American, He has the Black Rage(tm) and a baseball bat +1 Clark
Bueller: Had the Almighty Ben Stein as his history teacher +1 Ferris
Clark: Had Lynn "Where the hell is Carmen Sandego" Thigpen in Lean On Me. no points for Clark
Grudge Match Preceident:
Bueller: No Precedent
Clark: Doomed by Lynn Thigpen She was the Cheif in the PBS Show "Where in the World Is Carmen Sandeigo" Carmen Lost to Waldo -1 Clark
Final Score: Bueller, 2 Clark, 1
Bueller escapes the Principal from hell, But is caught the next day By Clark and is sent to Mr. T's Boot Camp For Stupid Fools Who Cut School. Ferris wins the Battle, but loses the war, as Mr. T uses him for a punching bag (literally) when he tries his sick routine on the T Man
- Howling Mad Murdock, Famous Film Director
Do you ever actually READ the matches you so deftly arrange? The Grudgees are typically student or post student anarchists who's idea of a perfest school day is to have the building burn down..preferably with the teachers and a select number of students still within. Now. Which choice of contestant does this profile tend to favour?
If, by the end of reading this response you still feel that there is the remotest possible chance that the meister will win, please follow these simple steps:
1. Put on some clean underwear 2. Go to a major traffic junction and 3. Wait 'till the lights go green
This course of action would idealy remove any threat to civilization as we know it. If, on the other hand, there IS a Teacher Jihad who have swung the match with some last minute stuffing (of votes..notheing kinky, i promise)i apologise most prefusely for your death.
- Guildenstern the Analyst.
- Peanuts "Not another "Land Before Time" sequel" Pat
1. Ass Beating Factor
Clark:City dude. All people from the city will run rampant over those who ain't. I be from LA myself gots loyality involved here man.
Bueller:Subuarban kid. lol.
2.Cool Black Guy Factor:Face it the cool black guy (with a helluva attitude) on almost any TV show or movie has to be scripted to win win cause otherwise the excutives could be accussed of racisim by blacks. Especially against a white kid Eg:Mr T, Will Smith etc.
3.Good VS Evil
Clark:Seems like the type who teaches kids to try to make something of themselves, stay in school and be somebody and not somebody's fool (Required Mr T reference)
Bueller:Teaches kids to skip school and waste life away. Somebody's foo'
4.Uh, the T-factor:Over the years I've learned that on these crazy sites anything connected with T WINS. Clark sorta looks like T while Bueller looks that dweeb from "Wonder Years"
Winner:The teacher guy
- Captain Demento (Whos glad he don't live in downtown LA no more where he was tha only white kid on the block)
In my opintion there simply would be no fight. Clark is in no way as pissed at Ferris as Roony was and Clark has more important things to do that chase Ferris. Clark would see the good kid in Ferris and ignore his attendance problem. I mean look at all the good he does at his school, Clark would probably see Ferris' talent and recruit him for his own projects. Ferris wins by default!!!
<sarcasm> Plus, he's a Canadian general, and Canadian generals are always right. </sarcasm>
- Eimi the Paranoid Android
If they are, the man is Badder Than Shaft(TM),and that means he is one bad mutha- I'd better just shut my mouth, even though I was just talking about Shaft, who's a complicated man...Where was I? Oh yeah, Joe Clark.
If they're not true, than he's been made into a legend. A legend beats a John Hughes character every day of the week and twice on Sundays, with an extra smiting thrown in for Yom Kippur atonement purposes.
Bueller disappears into permanent detention faster than a Big Mac disappears on Air Force One.
- Mr. Silverback- That'll learn ya.
- Kopper Golyathe, will get you next time Gadget, NEXT TIME!
I'm also glad to see someone has finally turned onto the plot of Penguins! Flightless my a&&!!! They're the true power behind things! When they say things are going to the birds, they really mean the penguins! They were the ones masterminding everything, you know...Hitchcock's The Birds...written by a penguin!!.....They're everywhere....that Maitre'D....in a penguin suit....We all know the Simpsons wouldn't lie to us, with doom impending on Springfield, we all saw, CAPTURED ON TAPE; the penguins at the zoo fly away to safety! Whose paranoid? Huh? Keep them away! Keep them away!! Joe? Ferris? Noooooooo!!!!!! Oh my, Grudge Match no contest, both competitors killed under mysterious circumstances, they're eyes pecked out, and their bodies dressed in formal evening attire. The Penguin Liberation Organization has struck again....You fool Mario Lemieux! Not even you can harness the power! You can't control the Penguins!!! Nobody can control the PENGUINS
Joe would seem to have all the advantages in this fight. Not only does the "Bat-man" know how to whip slackers into shape, but he can call on all his friends from Shawshank prison to hunt our man-boy down. Can you imagine Andy Dufresne against Ferris Bueller? The sparks would fly!
Joe could also call on his partner David Mills from the (undisclosed) Police Department. Now, I know what you're thinking in that puny little mind: "Didn't that serial killer cause David Mills to be arrested for killing him, after having killed David Mills' wife, thus having completed his evil magnum opus?" But come on, if you were going up against the great Keyser Soze, you'd lose too, wouldn't you?
And if all of that failed, Joe could always call on that powerhouse of education, The Electric Company. "Hey, you guys!"
With all of these allies, how could Joe lose, right? That's what I originally thought, too. Ferris could call on Cameron and Sloane, maybe, but what could they really do for him? And these were the only real allies he had in the whole movie, beyond the generic pimply-faced high school stereotype that worshiped "vehicular manslaughter" himself and couldn't win a fight against a chihauhua's weight in chihauhaus, let alone a rottweiler's weight in chihauhaus.
Ferris' computer skills are certainly not going to help him either. Using Joshua and its infamous Global Thermonuclear War would be a little bit like using ten pounds of dynamite to kill a fly. The monkeys from Project X are too busy serving in Congress to help, while the Road to Wellville has since been demolished to make room for seven more Starbucks (one near you).
We know how his father and grandfather, Dustin Hoffman and Sean Connery, respectively, did in the Grudge Match Classic, so they will not be an issue.
In the end, only one thing caused me to swing my vote toward Mister Sarah Jessica Parker: his friend, the Godfather, Marlon Brando. Lest we forget, the two Bs were in The Freshman together (both actors have a Bacon number of two or less, proving once again that Kevin Bacon is the center of the universe), and if there is one thing watching The Sopranos has taught me, its that you should never mess with Cosa Nostra.
The cops will be fishing pieces o' Clark out of the East River for years.
- Mulder the Hutt (graduate of the Dennis Miller School for Long and Pointless Arguments that Lead Nowhere and Use Lots of Obscure References)
- Blind Andrew
- Clark fan
2) Proof? The only time Joe Clark messes with proof is if proof pulls a knife on him. Its good to be the HNIC.
Shocking Conclusion: Ben Stein called in for the Bueller Dream Team for yet another Trial of the Century.
What about me? Don't I get any respect? No! I'm sitting around, minding my own business, when, all of a sudden, people like martinl decide to use me as their whole focus for a reply!
I'm sorry! Vlad don't play that! I mean, all I'm TRYING to do here is vote for Ferris Bueller, and people start using my likeness, without my permission, I might add!
NO SIR! THIS ISN'T THE WAY I AM! I AM NOT A SEDATED LUNATIC WHO NEEDS CONSTANT LOVE AND SUPPORT!!
GET THAT GUY WITH THE TRANQILIZER GUN AWAY FROM ME! I'M MAD AS HELL AND I DON'T TAKE LIGHTLY TO GUYS WITH WHITE LAB COATS!! NO! KEEP THE DRUGS AWAY!!
- Vlad, Hamster of Wond[thunk]rrrrr...
- Paul Graham
- KIlgore Trout
* William Clark, famed explorer. He let Lewis's name go first, but got his revenge by becoming a successful politican while Lewis was murdered under mysterious circumstances.
* General Mark Clark, who fought the Nazis in North Africa and Italy. We like people who shoot Nazis, now don't we?
* Abraham Clark, signer of the Declaration of Independence. We love the Declaration of Independence. Heck, I'd sign it too, if my pen hadn't just run dry.
* Barney Clark, the first artifical heart recipient, medical pioneer for the ages. Trekkies, Jean-Luc Picard would be dead without this guy.
* Dick Clark. Immortal. Joe will make good use of this invincibility in his struggles against Bueller.
Now, has anybody even remotely important ever been named Bueller? My encyclopedia says no. What's more, the only noteworthy Ferris on record claimed to have invented the wheel, when we all know it was the Vice-President. With a record like that, Bueller will be serving detention for the next seventy-five years. A fitting punishment for Godzilla and Inspector Gadget.
- Call me Shane
- Fade the cat
How DARE you denigrate the musical genius that is Wayne Newton?! - Eds.
Joe Clark is like my fourth grade teacher; so scary we never even tried to get away with anything. As soon as he entered the room, we would all start confessing. "I got up for a drink of water without permission! Please don't flunk me!"
When he enters the scene, everyone will begin confessing their sins to Joe Clark. He's that kinda guy. Seeking redemption, they'll continue and list the sins of others. And whose sins better to list than those of the annoying guy everyone really wants to rat on anyway? Ferris Bueller, expelled in three days.
- Fade the Cat
- Tristan "H G I C" Pratt (Head Griffon In Charge)
Anyway, I haven't watched either of the movies you've matched up this time, and the commentary left me completely confused. But don't worry--after the last coin-flipping incident, I've foresworn random choosing methods. Even Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, which is the best way to pick answers on tests that I know.
And so, without logic or chance to guide my choice, I was thrown back on the mysterious, illogical and yet usually correct sense known as Female Intuition.
The process went as follows:
Joe Clark looks like a mean old man who enjoy torturing students like me.
Ferris Bueller looks like a cute teenager who enjoys life.
So, guess which one Female Intuition went with?
- Laura of Maychoria, creator and ruler of an alternate universe, who uses Female Intuition to rule
I just don't think Ferris can handle that kind of ruthlessness. After Joe quickly grabs Sloan's cell phone and leave the girls in tears ("Sloan, don't you know these are against the dress code? What are you - a drug dealer or just a crack ho?!") it's all over. Ferris, who seems to thrive on avoiding conflict, will become a whimpering mass of compliant protoplasm as Joe just arbitrarily bans Ferris of his prom, requires him to wear bell-bottoms and platform shoes, kills his dog and expels and then transfers him over to Sunnydale HS to have some fun with Buffy and the vampires. Fortunately, Ferris will surrender before he makes any mention of the lame TV show spinoff of his movie, preventing permanent brain damage.
You don't want to mess with Joe Clark.
- Paul G.
It's Fun To Vote For The
- Marilyn Quayle
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Links © 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC
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ETA: Wednesday, September 29th.
- Marilyn Quayle
If you liked this match, check out these other past
© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC