16 castaways marooned on La Isla Bonita, a
Previously on Survivor
Only three days into the adventure, the contestants showed a willingness to form alliances, voting Joel Schumacher off 11-1. In a shocking breech of the rules, 4 members of the opposing tribe, led by Michael Keaton, marched through the jungle to also cast a vote against him. While voting, all 11 cited his role in the creation of Batman & Robin.
In a second defiance of the rules, the next contestants were eliminated the following day. "Eating nothing but rice got pretty old after 4 days," says Dilbert, seated at the tribal campfire. "Those rats really hit the spot."
At the next tribal council, one of the more popular and friendly contestants, George Lucas, was voted off the island, dispelling rampant internet rumors that he would walk away with the prize. "Everybody liked George, except that he talked too much," notes Batman, partially hidden in the shade of a palm tree. "I wasn't planning on voting for him, but then at the council he went on this 30 minute monologue about the social, political, economic, and religious impacts of alliances in modern industrialized Western civilization. That's what stamped his passport outta here."
As food ran low and tempers flared high, a horrifically ugly scene broke out in the Pagericcsong tribe. Overcome by desperation, hunger, and jungle madness, the children of Springfield gained control of the tribe, kidnapping Krusty the Clown, and kicking all remaining members out of the camp, with the exception of their fellow heathens, the brothers of Delta House. Within hours, all residents of "Kamp Krusty" were consumed in an orgy of cannibalism, beastiality, and telemarketing, which was too gruesome to show here (although it will be available as a pay-per-view special following the finale of the similarly tasteless Big Brother).
With the remaining 10 contestants combined into a single tribe, a new social structure was formed. Peace reigned for the first day, but the calm was quickly shattered. "She seemed real nice at first," comments Elwood Blues while he and Jake float in the ocean surf, "but the bitch just went psycho. I've seen my share of raging PMS, but this takes the cake." Jake pipes in: "She got monitor lizard blood all over my shoes!" The emotional upheaval resulted in an unprecedented unanimous vote at the next tribal council. So full of self-loathing and retained water, even Carrie voted herself off.
In the most recent shocker, Ferris Bueller won the reward challenge: a night of luxury on a yacht. When Bueller went up to meet the captain, it turned out to be none other than Ed Rooney! "All this publicity and you thought I wouldn't find you, Bueller? I can't always be wiping my eyes when you're on TV!" Ferris managed to get away in the dingy, and was last seen rowing towards Chicago to try to get back into bed before his mom got home from work.
So now eight remain. Who will be voted off? Who will be thrown off? Who will be eaten?
Who will... survive?
the viewer, more leeway in your voting and reponses, as well as to maintain our own sanity.
Yoda (874 - 31.0%)
outwits, outplays, and outlasts
The Tick (475 - 16.8%)
Darth Maul (451 - 16.0%)
Blues Brothers (272 - 9.6%)
Michael Keaton's Batman (206 - 7.3%)
Q (196 - 6.9%)
Dilbert (196 - 6.9%)
Duke Nukem (153 - 5.5%)
As expected, competition for the response file was tough.
Scientific results are ones that can be reproduced using identical parameters. From the American Survivor, the European versions and Lord of the Flies, we know that the scuzziest will win each and every single time. Therefore, the Darwinian natural selection to win this contest will be the one who did the best on Survivor.
Jake and Elwood: midwestern twang, attitude, wouldn't want to see them in a bathing suit. Definitely Susan. Listen to that horrific nasal squawk, only the shores of Lake Michigan can do that to a voice. Good thing the boys don't talk much (and bad thing that Soozin just wouldn't shut up about the damn tapeeooka).
Duke Nukem: perpetually pissed, trained in weaponry, likes to insult people. Yep, he's Rudy. Both regard the world aside from himself as one big pain in the ass. Lucky they kept that bow and arrow away from him, or Rudy would have had Gervase burgers for the rest of the 39 days.
Q: just a letter for a name, likes to build stuff, doesn't get the respect he deserves. Gotta go B.B. After building the hut (and doing most of the work himself) Pagong catapulted him off just for a little thing like washing a shirt in the public drinking supply.
The Tick: dumb as a box of dirt, manages to live a long time nonetheless. 100% Sean. He decided to vote alphabetically and not be a Machiavellian asswipe, but he announced who he was voting off in public, allowing the Machiavellian asswipes to use his vote as the clincher to get Jenna off.
Yoda: religious, sometimes goofy, doesn't quite convince dumbasses to stop acting like dumbasses. Here's your Dirk. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up glowing blue and telling the leftovers not to go to Bespin.
Batman: shows up out of nowhere, inordinate amount of money spent on transportation, never changes his clothes. Surprise: he's Jeff Probst. Who else could have a yacht docked outside just so one undeserving wretch could take a shower? It explains why all the Tribal Councils are at night. Plus, ever seen Jeff Probst and Batman together?
Dilbert: insane from his working condition, too smart for his own good, little too talkative. This one's Greg. Although a physical body match for Richard, Dilbert and Greg have both gone around the bend in ways that only the corporate world and academia can bring on. Dilbert's one step away from using a coconut as a cell phone, Greg's one step away from replacing his boss's computer with an Etch-a-Sketch, and both need little white pills as soon as possible.
Darth Maul: assassin, pure unadulterated evil, relishing it like a four year old does his fire truck pajamas. No questions here that he's Richard. Machiabelly must be using Sith mind tricks: how else can he pick the others off like clay pigeons, while having no one vote for him, while bragging about it, WHILE WALKING AROUND NAKED AND JIGGLING LIKE A 239 POUND JELLO MOLD?!
You'll all recall Richard was the winner, albeit through a stooo-pid number guessing vote from Greg. So Girth Maul shall be triumphant as he was not in the movie, through airtight scientific logic. Maybe he can buy a new set of legs with that million bucks.
- Kilgore Trout
In the order they were eliminated, and why:
DILBERT -- no weapons experience, easily dispatched with a letter opener throough the heart
and so the winner is . . . Duke Nukem, who wins the million and the SUV . . . but why is he swimming in a panic for the supply boat? What could have frightened him so much? Who's that OTHER figure on the beach? Why, it's none other than Fat Gay Naked Richard, back on the island to photograph an ad for MILK! He's even wearing a milk mustache already! (Wait a minute! That's not milk! THAT'S NOT MILK! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! . . . .)
I didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings, so I decided to cast my vote in reverse-alphabetical order. That is why I voted for this person [holding up strip of paper depicting the name, "Yoduh"].
- Some Guy
Survival. One of man's most primal of instincts. Possibly the worst way to try and survive is with other people. Arguments, personal differences, cannibalism… Will they work things out, or just chop each other up and feast on the remains? Leave it to Grudge Match to find out!
I think it's obvious Dilbert will be the first to go; not civilly, of course, but the others go Alive on him. Look at that huge gut of his. Not only is it already saturated with fat, but if the contestants miss rat meat, Dilbert's stomach is full of it. Duke Nukem plugs a bullet in his head and the smorgasbord is on. Dilbert is eaten. However, the contestants didn't exactly appreciate Duke's methods. Duke is last seen trying to point a gigantic handgun at the back of Batman's head (again). Q is able to conk Duke over the head using his makeshift automatic head-conker that he created out of leaves and rocks. The others find Duke less fattening, and leaner. Duke is eaten. Q, who never participated in the partaking of human flesh, feels this is no longer his place under such stiff competition. He needs to get back to serving Her Majesty's Secret Service. The remainders understand. Q is voted off. (This respectable Q send-off is in memory of one my personal heroes, Desmond Llewelyn, 1914-1999.)
The next challenge is one of those hold-on-to-the-pole-or-you're-out endurance tests. Batman puts his hand on the pole. Then Yoda. The Blues Brothers. Darth Maul. But when the Tick smacks his massive hand on the decorated totem pole, it (connected to the other contestants) goes zooming into the sea. Technically, The Tick removed his hand from the pole. The Tick is thrown out.
Yoda and Darth Maul are agreed by the others that using "the damn Force" -- as so aptly put by Jake Blues -- is obvious cheating, as they have an unfair edge to survival. At least that's what Jeff Probst said, until a pointy stick the size of a Buick mysteriously floated up and struck him in the solar plexus. Of course, after that, it took a while for it to register into the contestants' minds. They're both thrown off, but with regards from the competitors, as Probst has made a pretty good scarecrow. Darth Maul and Yoda are both thrown out.
The final competition! is a staring contest. This is going to be difficult: Batman can't see the Blues Brothers' eyes underneath the sunglasses, and the Blues can't see Bats' eyes underneath the eye- paint. Hours pass. Staring. Staring... Neither one knowing whether they could really be blinking in the darkness concealing their eyes. It is nearly midnight. Suddenly, a helicopter holding a giant movie screen descends upon the scene. Sore loser Joel Schumacher pulls his final prank on Batman for revenge in forming an alliance against him. From behind Jakes and Elwood, he shows Keaton "Batman Returns - How I Would Have Done It", with Fran Drescher as Catwoman and William Shatner as the Penguin. This temporarily blinds Batman. Sure, he'll be okay, but that means he loses the staring contest, the TOC, and the WWWF Bowl. Batman is thrown out. Blues take all.
But as soon as Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot hand the Bowl to Jake and Elwood, handcuffs are slapped onto their wrists. Oops. Must have been for all that collateral damage they caused in Chicago, Miami, and Haiti to get here. Back to Joliet they go. Thusly, the Blues Brothers win the Second Annual WWWF Tournament of Champions, but the Second Annual WWWF TOC Bowl is now kept in the Repossessions Department of Joliet, to be returned 20 years later - broken.
- Charge Man (Did I ever tell you I was the first person to vote in the First and Second WWWF TOCs? It's true!)
In the end, two castaways stand alone, facing eachother. One is short and green, and, in the words of El Homero, "not quite a mop, and not quite a puppet." The other is much taller, cloaked all in black, his face obscurred by a hood. The short one speaks first.
"Fortunate it is that the Keeper of Continuity was one of the first to go."
"Yes, for now we may fight at last," the tall one says, unveiling his red and black face. "And give our fanboys the battle they'd been craving for years." They each brandish their weapon, a blue-bladed lightsabre for Yoda, and Maul with his trademark double-bladed doohickey. "It was clever to use the Force and sway the minds of the other contestants into voting for themselves until they all kicked each other off the island. Now, Master Yoda--"
But that's as far as he gets, because in the next instant Maul and Yoda are both knocked unconscious by a hail of coconuts thrown from a bamboo tree fort above their heads. "Way to go, Skipper!" A red- shirted fellow in a white hat says. "We got 'em, Little Buddy!" his blue-shirted rotund companion replies. "Hee hee, we'll eat good tonight!"
It was all over the morning that Yoda, wanting to bask in the sunshine and the warm breeze coming off the South China Sea, walked through the camp buck naked.
As the rest of Wickera tribe was struck blind (including The Tick, who tried to SPOOOOOON! out his nigh-invulnerable eyeballs at the sight), Yoda went on to win the coveted WWWF Toilet by default.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight wonders if Darth Maul got tattoos all the way down his AAAAAHHHH #@LMMAS#^*GTS NO CARRIER
This was not an easy match to decide. If it was a straight out throw down, I would have voted for batman easy, because, well, he's batman. Anyone who thinks he couldn't take Yoda has never read a story where Batman sucker punches a god or nearly chokes superman to death. But for some reason I thought they would follow the rules, to some extent.
Well the first people voted off the island are the disruptive ones -- are the least useful. In order they would be Darth Maul, Duke Nukem, and then the Blues Brothers. Now neither Maul nor Nukem will take being booted easily. But, again, with Batman and the Tick laying down the Smackdown, I see a Maul hanging from a palm, de-horned and unconscious, a broken light sabre at his feet. Nukem will be seeking counseling for his rage issues after the Tick has a heart to heart with him. The Blues Brothers will go relatively quietly, because quite frankly they won't be pulling their weight as much as anyone else.
With the surviving Survivors™, by the way, we have the pefect society. Dilbert and Q work together to create island gadgets the Professor only saw in his wet dreams. The Tick does all the manual labor and heavy lifting, not only powerfully but cheerfully too. Batman keeps the peace, not only within the survivors but also protects them from outside threats, like those kids from springfield. And Yoda provides spiritual enlightenment, education, and order. Life is good. There is the slight problem of no women, but except for Batman, none of the people left on the island seem to have real interest in that field. So I guess it's like a pre-Eve Eden. Assuming that those remaining, being upstanding and enlightened beings, stick to the rules, they find they must begrudingly vote off members and distrupt their tiny utopia.
First to go is Batman. Batman himself convinces them that they can all protect themselves, none of them would commit crimes, and he has no real interest in the prize money. He heads back to Gotham to bang Kim Basinger. The Tick goes next. As useful as he is, he a tendency to destroy half of what he creates, and the remaining gadgeteers and Force master can more than make up for the lost brute strength. Now, Yoda notices a redundancy. We have two tool makers. While both have tendency towards genius inventions that should have no practical purposes, only Q seems to have prognosticational powers that allow him to predict the exact needs of his friends in the next few days. With much regret, Yoda allies with Q and Dilbert heads back home, where Dogbert laughs at him for coming within one of winning some money.
At this point those off the island have to vote for who should win. However, while on the island, each survivor, from first to last, probably got advice, support, training, or food from Yoda. In fact Yoda has a way of insulting you and yet you still love him. Q, as far as I've seen, has made only one friend in over thirty years of Military Intelligence, and 007 is friends with everyone. Yoda wins for being likable.
- Steven- p.s. the Tick is also likable, but he's too stupid to survive.
My first thought was that this goes to the Blues Bros. simply for being that AWESOME. But I decided against it. I'll cover that in a minute. People are gonna vote on who annoys them the most. They won't care about stuff like surviving or that kinda thing, it'll be annoyances.
First off is Tick for....being himself. Darth Maul is axed because he refuses to speak. Yoda is gone when NO ONE can understand what he's saying. Batman is too dark and cryptic. Buh-bye. Duke Nukem? Yeah, right. I bet he "accidentally" eats one of Q's exploding coconuts. And everyone knows the world is conspiring against Dilbert, he's gone. So, Blues Bros. or Q? Simple. Q built things. Blues dudes didn't. That ALWAYS guarantees a Survivor win Q gets the FABULOUS prize.....the chance to book the next WWWF fight. Of course he picks Devin-Brendan. Who wouldn't?
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee. "A three hour tour? A THREE HOUR TOUR?!?!"
This is a simple process of elimination: Q will try to use some mind-control gizmo thingy to keep people from voting him off. However, Dilbert uses his expert engineering skills to try and jam the device. However, outwitting Q isn't nearly as easy as outwitting the Pointy-Haired Boss, and Dilbert activates the failsafe self-destruct device. Unfortunately for Q, it goes off while he's still holding on to it, and both Q and Dilbert are burnt toast.
Darth Maul and Yoda go at it, and after Maul dispatches that annoying Obi-Wanabee of a Muppet, Duke Nukem shows up and blows Maul's brains out. Never bring a lightsaber to a gunfight, double-bladed or not. The Blues Brothers will whip out "Blues Brothers 2000" to try and torture Keaton's Batman, but Bats retaliates with the mind-warping horror that is "Batman and Robin", and their heads explode. Then the Tick shows up and annoys Batman with his corny one-liners, and Bats impales himself on a Batarang to get away from him.
Duke Nukem comes up with his usual direct solution, and unloads most of his entire arsenal into the Tick. Of course, the nigh-invulnerable Tick shrugs it all off, and just as Duke is about to use the Shrink Ray in desperation, the Tick goes over to him and knocks him back to the post-apocalyptic future. And with a mighty cry of "SPOOOOOOOON!", the Tick is victorious! "Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies: Don't count your rolling stones before the dawn of the wicked! Or something like that."
- Andy the Anarchist
Although I'd ordinarily never support him, I have to give this one to Duke Nukem. It's not the terrain advantage he has from fighting on beaches before (although the Blues Brothers also know something of that... ahem... Ladies' night at the Grand Palace Hotel).
You see, I'm considering the medium itself. The show which Grudge Match's lawyers will refuse to confirm or deny having inspired this one is just one of a rash of "Big Brother" clones, where a load of worthless wasters are sequestered in front of cameras, so that even bigger losers can watch them. (It goes without saying that Grudge Match has a higher standard of Contenders, but the principle remains.)
Now, I was in the Netherlands, birthplace of this type of show, when it arrived on the screen. It was duller than disco. I then was in Germany, and shocked at how this guano was even more popular (although with the exact same "controversial analysis" to generate interest) there. The same is going on in Britain, and I can only deduce that you've also fallen victim to this vicissitude of mental activity.
There are two points to my comments. First, as to the probable winner of this show: Duke Nukem. The winner on this kind of show is always the guy with the supposedly macho posturing, tattoos and penchant for not going around with bared torso. Second, this is an attempt to restore some value to my life after having to expose myself to that level of programming. I'd really hoped that I was after suppressing those wretched shows, you know.
Oh yeah, and someone make a "Gilligan's Island" reference for me. I have to go and lie down now.
- The Nestbeschmutzer
I think this one is pretty clear cut. Everybody knows that people on the Survivor show are the most weak minded on earth, and thus easy pickings for Yoda and his Jedi mind control. Yoda would take on a Richard-like role and "convince" everybody to vote for each other, leaving him the winner.
- Vic at Mizzou
let's look at each contestant, shall we?
Blues Brothers: they wear sunglasses. at all times. outcome: out of the running due to injuries brought on by tripping at night while wearing said sunglasses
final outcome:as yoda would say, "much in the force am having I." yoda, no contest.
Naturally Yoda will reign supreme. And for one simple, two-word reason: Green. Muppet. Everybody knows it's not easy being green, so Yoda will score the sympathy points on that one, for his hard-knocked life. And he's a muppet! Well.. basically... and who would vote a muppet off a desert island? Certainly not I! In any case, even if they did get around to voting the little guy off the island he would return--more powerful than they could possibly imagine!
Well, I see that even though their votes are split, the Star Wars fanboys are off to a good start already. But fear not, for they shall be smacked down. There's an entry that is in good not only with Steven Spielberg, who by this point is more than willing to lend a hand in eradicating Lucas' empire, but also with Frank Oz, this totally eliminating the muppet threat from the Star Wars flicks, not to mention that one of the pair has made Leia his own personal bitch. With all that going for them, is there any doubt that the Blues Brothers are the rightful winners here?
After Tick, Q, the Brothers Blues, and whatever other jabronies (tm) have been booted off the isle, it's all down to the Jedi, Maul and Yoda. The castoff castaways vote Maul off, because he's a bad guy and must therefore lose, but he reminds them that he did kill a Jedi in Phantom Menace, then proceeds to draw his double-bladed lightsabre and carve Yoda up before he can so much as reach for his stubby flashlight.
"Excellent work, my apprentice." Darth Sidious steps out from the shade of the trees and over the cooling chunks of Yoda. "Together, we will bring down the Order of the Grudge. I have been planning it for days."
"Of course, Lord Sidious." Maul shuts off his sabre and summons his Sith Infiltrator with the beckon call on his belt.
Later, at Grudge Match Headquarters...
The first to fall were Shane and Brendan. Maul then made twins out of Joe and Mark, while Sidious confronted John and Jeff and zapped them with Blue Lightning (tm).
All the ammunition exhausted, the remaining commentators raise a white flag. Maul stands down, and Sidious says, "Because you're going to die anyway, I might as well tell you who I am." He pulls down his hood. "I am D-kun! You axed a perfect response to the Rock/Paper/Scissors match! Maul, now!"
- No Grudge Match commentators (tm) were harmed in the production of this response
I don't watch the show they're on, so I can only go by what people tell me about it. And what they're telling me is you have to be sneaky, clever and irredemably evil in order to win. The sneaky part eliminates most of the list; Q, Duke Nukem, the Blues Brothers, Darth Maul, and The Tick are not known for being subtle. The remaining contestants all fit the clever part, but only one is irredemably evil.
Yoda, who continues his reign of religious fanaticism, terrorism, and oppression on the innocent sith even after he dies is clearly the only choice. He fooled millions of Star Wars fans into thinking that the there was a good and bad side to his religion and he was absolutely right with hollow, meaningless, fortune cookie sized chunks of "philosophy". He was also instrumental in the same convincing that the rebellion were the heroes of those same movies despite all the evidence that the empire was the legitimate government being torn down to be replaced with a conquoring alien regime. Yoda will convince everyone that he's benign with his simple, "helpful" ways and backward talk. All the while he's quietly sticking knives into each of their backs. I don't see how there's any other choice here.
- Joel Mathis
At the last Tournament of Champions, there was one Star Wars character and one Star Trek character. Because of this, they went after one another instantly, and both ended up losing. Now, there are two Star Wars characters, so now with the Trekkies out of the winning all of the Warsies can vote for either Maul or Yoda to win, rendering this contest an unfair one for all other contestants. MST3K should intervene, and wipe at least one of the two out so that voting can be more even for others.
- Battles Fairly
Unlike you guys, I shall actually organize this into a tournament.
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Do you realize what you hath wrought?!?!? By placing Q and Darth Maul on the same island, you have unwittingly brought together two avatars of the Sacred Power (TM) of
-> MENTOS LEVEL COOLNESS <-
So cool, that its "TM" needs its own line!!!! With this much coolness, you have started a freezing Onslaught of coolness of which the likes of mere mortals have never seen! May whatever deity you beleive in have pity on your Souls!
- Crude Oil
I think that Duke Nukem will win this one simply becuase he is One bad mama-jama and he takes crap from noone. Here's a breakdown of his competition just to see how easy (or hard) it will be to beat them:
1. The Tick- ARE U KIDIDNG? this loser had a horrible TV show and comic book, and basically, his gimick is stupid (Spoon? I don't think so)
- Dane"the new prodigy"
I know it's been a while, but I've been busy. Had a big day yesterday, let me tell you.
Usually, I hate those tribal council things. Why won't they let us go hunt rats? I'm glad you sent me on this vacation, but now we're apparently going to do something "Big". At least that's what the little guy in the suit keeps saying. I don't understand him much, and I can't ever remember his name.. Bert? He's a dork. Then, suddenly, the ugly guy in the black robes with the red face (I'm sure he's EVIL, but I haven't acted yet. I was sure he'd reveal his nefarious plan soon) whipped out this double-edged light stick and started wailing on the little green kermit guy. I like him, except he keeps telling me "Nothing do I see in your head, blue one". Oh well.
The only other guy with muscles here, Duke, pulls out some heavy duty guns and backs up into the only other superhero here, Batman. Even though he's a wuss, I like him. The little guy in the panama hat is now screaming "NOT NOW, WE'RE STILL IN COMMERCIALS!!" when the Duke guy (duke of what? I'm confused) starts firing. He manages to take out the panama hat guy we call "council leader" and the little nerd guy. Then the old guy Q surprised me, he pulls out this box of adult diapers and takes off his toupee and starts firing lasers all over the place. That was pretty. Batman seemed to want something from the Duke guy, and had him down on the ground rolling around. I'm not really into that, so I went over to check on the kermit guy. Him and the black-suit guy were in full swing, with those cool light sticks. I like when we get those at the beach and swing them on strings, but they never work the next day and they cost like 2 bucks each.
Anyway, the kermit guy took a bad hit, fried through his middle, but he whispered something that sounded like "youdirtybeeech" and the black suit guy seized up like someone wedgied him. The two brothers with the sunglasses had holed up behind some logs and were aiming some big cannons out, when duke managed to get off a shot into Batman's crotch. Man, that looked painful. Anyway, by then there was a full-fledged firefight between Duke, the old guy and the two guys wearing sunglasses. I was confused. Nobody seemed like a evil villian, so I went and got the money to move it to a safe place. On my way to the beach I heard some great explosions, and watched as bits of trees, sand and burning flesh rained down into the water. The fire looks pretty on the water.
Anyway, that's it. Having a great time and now I can hunt rats and bugs all day!
Where a Jedi and a Sith meet, there is much violence and slashing. I don't know who would win between Yoda and Darth Maul, but the other competitors are as irrelevant as the issues in a presidential election. I could just give it to Maul, since he kicks major booty, and is evil to boot... But... Maul appeared in the same movie as Jar Jar Binks. I could give it to Yoda, since he is a Jedi Master and has tons of experience... But... Yoda appeared in the same movie as Jar Jar Binks. Wow. I think I just discovered a new Grudge Match Corollary(TM) by which Star Wars must henceforth... always lose.
Well... (flushing) in the event that the winner and the first runner-up are unable to fulfill their duties, the match goes to Miss Congeniality... The Tick.
- Todd Evil
After considering the different personalities and with careful consideration of how they may interact, I have figured out what would happen.
First off, Darth Maul could never stand being on an island with Yoda. One night Darth Maul would simply crack and jump Yoda in his sleep. He would whip out his lightsaber and slice Yoda open with relative ease. What with his massive injuries, Yoda would be voted off due to compassion from the others. Meanwhile Batman will be trying to figure out who committed the crime. Eventually he would know it was Darth Maul. So he jumps Darth Maul in broad daylight (to catch him by surprise of course). Darth Maul sees Batman coming and slices him in two and pushes the corpse down the bottomless pit (which he just happened to be around at the time).
Upon seeing a fellow super-hero being killed, The Tick will charge in with his usual battle cry, "SPOON." Darth Maul would easily be caught off guard by the silly battle cry and would be too confused to fend off Tick's assault. The Tick would proceed to bash and pound him while spouting off stupid catch phrases. As two personalities have died in a span of 2 minutes (10 if you include the 8 minutes Tick spends beating Darth Maul's lifeless corpse) the tribe votes off Darth Maul in the next vote as Batman's body has not been found and can't be voted off.
While all this is happening, Duke Nukem has been hassling Q to make him some guns from coconut shells and rat skeletons. Q, lacking the British government to make any ruling for him as to whether or not he should make the guns, calls upon Dilbert to do all the paperwork. Over the 6 previously mentioned days, Dilbert is worked to an inch of his life as Duke Nukem stockpiles his coconut guns. Eventually Dilbert hires the Blues Brothers to do his dirty work. The Blues Brothers attack Q on the 8th day. Duke Nukem, seeing his gun maker under attack, jumps the Blues Brothers. The Tick, again, jumps into the fray, punching, hitting and kicking anyone that he can get his hands on. Eventually Tick stops because he has run out of catch phrases.
As the dust settles, all that we see are 2 dead Blues Brothers, (shot consecutively with coconut bullets) a dead Duke Nukem (with a bashed in head) and a bloody nosed Q. As it turns out, The Tick had hit Q in the nose in his rampage. The next vote (despite 3 dead people) Tick is voted off by Q (in anger) and Dilbert (Q's bitch by this time). As there are only two left, the last few members to have been kicked off are brought back to vote that will win. The Tick, being the only one voted off who survived, is asked the simple question, "Who do you think should win?" With complete enthusiasm Tick says, "I am the winner! I AM THE KING!" For the next 3 hours the CBS crew tries to explain what they meant by the question but soon give up. So as we can clearly see, The Tick would bring home the prize.
- Gus Grit
This would be a toss-up, except for one thing. In order to leach onto the show of heathens, degenerates, and Bryant Gumbel, the contest has been placed on the survivor island. A tropical island, with a jungle. Now who has lived in a jungle? None other than Yoda. (swamp is close enough to a jungle.) Who can stalk among the trees without being noticed? Who can throw rocks on the unsurpassing passerbyers? Who could possibly spot the hidden walking stick aimed at their jugular? Yoda, just like the Viet Cong, (and the groundhog from CaddyShack), will drive the more muscular and tech-heavy competition into the sea.
- The Schwartz
After some thought, I am going to have to go with Duke Nukem on this one. The deciding factor here is firepower. Of all the characters on the island, Duke is a walking arsenal. Batman's armor, Yoda's Force, Darth's lightsaber, and the Tick's questionable superpowers are no match against assorted machine guns, flamethrowers, and other weapons.
As for the others, the only one who comes close is Q. After all, he is the man who supplied James Bond with all those weapons. Unfortunately for Q, this competition takes place on a desert island and Q's age plays a role (Yes, I am aware that Q, or at least the actor who portrayed him, is dead, but this is the Grudge Match and even death itself is not an obstacle to competition). A man of his age does not have the endurance under tropical conditions to defeat a veteran guerilla warrior like Duke. However, if Duke is reasonable, he will respect Q's accomplishments and merely vote him off the island. Perhaps he might even help carry Q's luggage to the waiting ship. So, Duke Nukem will win the prize money. However, he will most likely blow it all on ammunition.
- The Demented Astronomer
Are you kidding me? The Blues Brothers are behind -- YOU IDIOTS!!! There are TWO of them! It just plain doesn't matter who else is even there...the boys automatically have the drop on any of them. Let's take a look:
The Tick: funny as hell, but generally hapless without Arthur - the Brothers fill him with Alka-Seltzer and watch him explode. Elwood puts the droppings on toast.
- Akhamed needs not RAGE, nor GOD, nor "MENTOS" to declare the winner
I was going to vote for Yoda, but then I realised something crucial: there are no women on the island. No women means someone must have stolen them. That means someone on the island steals women.
"No-one steals our chicks - and lives!"
Duke Nukem wins.
Michael Keaton Batman wins hands down. I vote for him with the sad knowledge that hundreds and hundreds of geeks will vote for "bad ass" maul who had to have his voice dubbed to sound cool??? Hmm I wonder if the vote count for Maul will be higher than the total number of dates any of the Maul voters have had combined??? Now I'm mad.
- Matthew a pissed off Scotsman at Cornell
This is on an island. Many islands I have seen are swampy. Yoda lives in a swamp. Yoda uses his Swamp Cunning(TM) to get the drop on the other compeditors (yes, I know i spelled that very, very wrong.) and his Jedi Master Powers(TM) to eliminate them. Screw this pansy voting-off crap anyway! Let the best killer win!!
- I'm not an Alien!!!
OK, stranded on a desert island, I have to go on the assumption that luxuries are unavailable. So, say bye-bye to any automobiles, firearms, computers of any kind, futuristic gizmos and gadgets of all sorts, especially light sabres. Therefore, I think we can pretty safely eliminate Duke Nukem (he may be all out of bubblegum, but he ain't got a gun, either), Dilbert (without Dogbert he didn't stand a chance anyway), the Blues Brothers (they can't reak havoc without a car or a stage to perform on), Q (no gizmos), and Batman (ditto).
So, remaining are The Tick, Yoda, Darth Maul. Darth and Yoda both have the force to use, but as we all know, Yoda and Darth have died before. However, the Tick is nigh invulnerable (tm), and so our two competitors from a galaxy far, far away (tm) can launch trees, patchwork huts, and remaining Survivor contestants at the Tick from now til Tuesday and he'll still have some witty remark to make afterwards. Darth Maul and Yoda will each see the other as the greater threat to their success, and so will battle one another and serve to eliminate themselves, leaving everyone's favorite dim-witted superhero victorious, and able to combat evil with his particular version of two-fisted justice again!
- Adam B.
The first part - Elimination. Q is Dead. Yoda is Dead. Darth Maul is Dead. Batman, The Franchise, is Dead. One of the Blues Brothers is Dead. The other lost his soul. (Did you see Blues Brothers 2000?) That leaves The Rock, Paper, and Scissors of Dilbert, The Tick, and Duke Nukem. Dilbert is an engineering genius. He has a staff of engineers somewhat loyal to him. He has Dogbert. They're not enough. The Tick has Arthur. The Tick has friends like Die Fliedermaus and The American Maid. The Tick is Nigh Invincible. This is not enough. Duke Nukem dies. Repeatedly. When he does he loses all of his weapons. He is cocky, obnoxious, and has one thing that will pull him through this match: Cheat Codes.
- Hurricane Andrew
Darth Maul will triumph because the others are good and good is dumb.
- Dark Helmet
Here are the facts, Yoda is small, Yoda is jungle camoflaged, Yoda is jungle savy, and Yoda knows how to avoid a fight. In Yoda's own words, Powerful are the oppenents. But a powerful ally is the force and strong am I with the force. Able to hide am I. Escape the emperor and his minions I did. From a bog jungle planet did I come, vacation is south seas island to me. Destroy themselves the others will. Emerge from hiding to claim prize I will.
And there it is folks, Yoda's unbeatable strategy, Yoda will simply dissapear, the other contestants will assume he died and his body did the jedi dissapearing body trick and simply forget about him (subtle jedi-mind tircks may also come into play) Some time after the other contestants have blugened, batteranged, lightsabered, bluesed, and generally beaten each other to death...Yoda will emerge to claim the prize...and then promptly die for real.
The alliance formed (Darth, Dilbert, Tick and Yoda) lasts until the end. Too bad Dilbert doesn't have any common sense. Duke was an odds on favorite until 'the incident'.
Order of Finish (1st off to winner)
OK, I'll make this quick, since that's the only hope in hell I have of avoiding the dreaded IRON FIST. The Blues Brothers get voted off the island, since no one likes a coalition of votes, and as brothers, they automatically qualify. Besides which, not even John Goodman can save them from falling into pop-culture history. Besides which, one of them is dead already.
Speaking of dead, Q is out. Aside from being dead, his skills are with high tech gizmos. While the Professor from Gilligan's island might be able to whomp up a golf cart using coconuts and twine, Q's areas of expertise are Rolexes and BMWs, neither of which are in great supply on an island. (unless you're in Japan, which they're not) He will be voted off in favor of someone with usefull skills...
DILBERT, who doesn't really have a chance because Dilbert can't win. If it were Dogbert, it would be a different matter entirely, but the fact is Dilbert will stick around only long enough to build structures, design tools, and provide everyone on the island with ameneties, then he will be voted off, with the charge being lead by the only person on the island who resembles Dilbert's pointy haired boss...
YODA, who is used to living in squalor and uncivilized areas, will also be voted off the island in a close vote, because he is also used to living ALONE and is rather lacking in personal skills. The vote is close, of course, thanks to the Jedi Mind Trick and the incredibly low IQs of The Tick and...
DUKE NUKEM, who will try and kill everyone on the island with a rather fearsome arsenal, only to discover that Well-Nigh Invulnerable (tm) means that shrinking, freezing, blasting, and kicking will really only serve to annoy the Big Blue Guy of Justice, and get punted off the island (literally) by...
THE TICK, who by now is convinced the island is full of evil, with the only other two people on it looking menacing and dressed in black. Unfortuantly, the only other people on the island are both masters of mind games. The Tick will volunarily leave the island ("I will voluntarily leave the island) and will go to fight crime elsewhere ("I go to fight crime elsewhere") leaving only...
DARTH MAUL, who has put up a pretty good fight thus far, but will die rather easily and suddenly for no good reason, except that the Emporor needs to have an opening for 'Apprentice' before we get to Episode 3, leaving only...
BATMAN, who despite several bad movies, a horribly campy 70's live action series, and an association with the SUPERFRIENDS, comes out to win the prize, which unfortunatly is multi-million dollar movie deal, which means no one really wins...
Unfortunaly Yoda dies of old age during the night. He then roams the island as a blue ghost but as everyone knows you can't take it with you so he is eliminated. Next, word leaks onto the island that there is an open warrant for the arrest of the Blues Brothers for reckless driving. Thus with a mighty "SPOON!" the Tick runs after the brothers and Batman disappears off into the night. off on one side of the island Duke nukem and Q are discussing their favorite weapons. Q shows Duke his new tactical nuke cufflink. Unfortunatly Duke is not as intelligent as James and accidently sets it off blowing them into particles of dust. This leaves just Darth Maul and Dilbert. in a legendary battle that lasted well over 3 and ahalf seconds, Darth Maul sliced up Dilbert into 20 portions to last him through the rest of the time on the island.
Everyone gets VERY tired of both Dilbert's logical ramblings, and Yoda's weird-ass sentences. So, when Duke shoots Dilb to hell, they find it is actually Dilbert, designate Beta. Do you think the real Dilbert would actually waste his time actually going? That would count as his vacation days! Then Yoda is voted off unanimously. The Tick will be immune every time, until the knowledge (speling error, I bet) competition. Obviously, Q wins this, granting him immunity. Everyone finally gets to vote off Tick, and he is gone in a flash. Next comes another physical challenge, where Duke Nukem "accidentally" chokes, and hits the ground, allowing Darth Maul to win. Blues Brothers are voted off, because they have no use whatsoever.
So it's down to Darth Maul, Q, and Batman. It's a physical challenge, and when Q nearly dies trying to do it, they vote him off. Now for the final round. The jury is here, well, what's left of it. Rat- No vote. Squeaks a lot, though. Dilbert(Via the internet.)- Batman, for he knows of logic. Ferris Bueller- Darth Maul, cuz he was cool in the movie. Joel Shumacher- No vote. He is mauled when he arrives. Springfield Kids(Bart, Lisa, Dolph, Kearney)- Darth Maul. Batman is nothing compared to Radioactive Man. Animal House(Only a couple of Survivors present.)- Darth Maul. Lucas- Darth Maul, obviously. Yoda- Batman. Tick- Batman good, Maul bad. Carrie- Not present. Blues Brothers- Batman. Duke Nukem- Maul. Batman's a wiss. Krusty- Not present. At the Betty Ford Clinic. Q- Batman. I realize it is now a tie. Well, in the end, Darth Maul gets pissed that they have to share it so he kills Batman.
I want to talk about Tick's costume for a moment. The Tick's costume is made of thin blue spandex. It's not very heavy, but it covers his whole body. The suit has no accesories, save a couple antennae and some pockets. It's form-fitting, comfortable, and not too hot either. In short, Tick is the only one dressed for a tropical climate. All the others will go to the island and spontaneously combust in the tropical heat. They're all wearing heavy robes, business attire, rubber costumes, or dark suits (I'm placing my bet that the Blues Brothers die first.) The only people besides Tick who aren't overdressed are Dilbert, who's pasty white skin will instantly sunburn and peel off, and Duke Nukem, whose tank top is showing a lot of skin, thus causing him to be eaten alive by bugs. By the way, I'm kind of disappointed that this Tournament didn't have the ritual sacrifice of an annoying pop star, so I contacted Mike and the Bots, and they have captured the Backstreet Boys and are torturing them as we speak. Don't let this kind of slip-up happen again.
- Infraggable Krunk
Hmm... this is a tough one. First to go would be the Blues Brothers. Sure, their soulful songs are entertaining, but after roughly a week, they get really irritating. Also, their considerably plumper than the other contestants, and thus would provide good eating. Next to go would be Nukem. We can deduce this by seeing Duke's obsessions: women and guns. Neither are to be found upon this deserted island, so he's gonna snap really quick. Give him ten days, tops.
Next, of course, comes Dilbert. Dilbert may have the best technological skills of anyone on the island. Good for him. Unfortunately, there IS no technology on the island. He can forage doughnuts with the best of them, but again, no doughnuts. Also, once you add in the fact that he dosen't even have a mouth (I know he has one in the series, but this is the comic-strip Dilbert we're talking about), it's a wonder he's even survived this far. Then add in carpal tunnel, his lack of any activity save soccer and walking for nearly ten years, and the fact that he's shizophrenic (he thinks a dog, rat, cat and dinosaur can talk) and it's obvious he's worse off then the Blues Brothers. They'll find him in a state of caffiene-free, doughnut dprived, carpal tunnel induced hysteria, muttering something about his Palm Pilot to a nearby bush. Two weeks and that sucker's gone.
Batman's the next to go. Yes, he has loads of nifty little gadgets to help him survive, and has lived through the insidious schemes of Gotham's worst villians. He has had many hours of survival training, but he has one major disadvantage- clothing. Look at him- he's wearing tight-fitting latex/leather all over his body. He's a huge ball of sweat by the end of the first episode. And, even though he does have all those nifty gadgets, there's nothing to do with them! At best, they're weighing him down. He COULD take off part of his costume, but then he'd be revealing his secret identity to all the world! I'm thinkin' that Batsy here'll be suffering severe dehydration and a real bad case of jock itch when they send him off.
Next to go are Yoda and Darth Maul. Unlike the others, they won't get voted off. The two are completely opposite- eventually, Yoda's philosophical banter is gonna piss Maul off. The two have the most incredibly, unbelievably cool lightsaber fight in the history of Star Wars fights, but they both die in the process. Darn.
Now, this narrows it down to the final two survivors- the Tick and Q. Q is perfectly suited to this environment. He has learned from his mentor, the Professor on Gilligan's Island, and has created all sorts of nifty gadgets using only bamboo and coconuts. The Tick, on the other hand, has become an incarnation of Gilligan, and has set to accidentially destroying the handy gadgets by using his zany, madcap antics. At the final Tribal Council, the other islanders finally cast their votes. They decide to go with the stupid big funny guy rather than the creepy old guy who talks funny. The Tick is the winner! He leaves the island, gets his money, and drives away in his brand new car. The next day, police are baffled by the strange accident. The car it seems, has exploded (the Tick's neigh invincible, tho', so it don't matter much anyway). More puzzling, though, is the startling discovery that the explosion seems to have been caused by a coconut...
- The Blue ONe
Okay, I admit that Yoda is a great Jedi Master and all that. Actually, I like Yoda a lot and I wish that I could agree with all the people who think he would win. But Dilbert would definitely win. It is a well known fact (or at least it should be) that people have died of boredom from listening to Dilbert talking. Darth Maul definitely COULD NOT win, because Yoda is there, and Yoda is WAY more powerful than Darth Maul.
- Weird Waldo (no, that's not REALLY my name)
Hmm.. Based on the previous Survivor show, the gayest contestant will win. That would be the rubber-suit wearing, boy-wonder supporting, cruising at night for hot action and trouble contestant, Batman.
For even more viewer comments, head over to Page 2
I voted for Yoda, but now I am not so sure. Why? This island is probably a place of adventure. And excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.
- Capital J
Next Match: Mean Streets
Next Match: Mean Streets
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