"Hi-ho! This is Kermit the Frog and welcome to the Henson family reunion! You've arrived a bit early so only the casts of Sesame Street and The Muppet Show have arrived so far, leaving me, gulp, in charge. And I would like to report that we are all getting along like a big, happy family..."
"KEEEERMIT!" exclaims Fozzie Bear as he runs to Kermit's side.
"...except we're not." Kermit turns to Fozzie. "Um, why do sound like you have a cold?"
"Because Ernie took my nose. This is NOT funny."
"You are an expert on that," retorts Kermit. But before Fozzie can protest, he is interrupted by a very upset Bert.
"Kermit, you have to stop Gonzo. He has run off with my PIGEONS! He said something about a harem." Bert holds his hands over his head and sighs in despair.
Before Kermit can console Bert, he is surrounded by a motley crowd of Muppets, each shouting out complaints about the other side of the family. Miss Piggy pushes her way through the crowd.
"Kermie, I specifically reserved a suite at a five-star hotel for moi and look what I get." Piggy lowers her voice. "A garbage can."
"Hey, the Ritz Oscar got five-stars from Worm Traveller," interjects Oscar the Grouch. "You should be honored to stay with me."
"You want me to recycle that can of yours, buster?"
"Try me, Bacon Bits!"
Kermit breaks in. "Please, everybody calm down."
"Too late for that, frog," shouts Miss Piggy. With a "Hiii-yah", she attempts to karate chop Oscar but misses and knocks down Kermit instead. The tension breaks into fights between the two casts.
So, Paul, do the PBS Performers or the Prime Time Puppets Perform the Pummeling.
Sesame Street vs. The Muppet Show
PAUL: It's going to be another sunny day on Sesame Street.
Sesame Street is brought to you by various letters of the alphabet and some popular integers. Therefore, they are allied with the English language (and pretty much any European tongue) and mathematics, the basis for everything. So unless the Muppets learn Japanese real fast and create a new universe, they are going to get crushed.
But if Big Bird and the gang decide to be sporting, under their childly goodness veneer they are Fuzzy Furry Fury(tm). For instance, there is Oscar the Grouch's infinitely sized garbage can. His Tardis-shaming abode has a full size swimming pool, so who knows what goodies he has waiting to unleash (HINT: They probably smell). Snuffleupagus is a woolly mammoth that for about 15 years managed to hide from everyone but Big Bird. Clearly, he has the stealth skills of a ninja master. Ever see an invisible elephant sneak up and squash a Muppet? Of course you haven't - he's invisible - but you get the point.
Then there is the ultimate weapon: Elmo. He'll want to be friends with all the Muppets, asking them cute childish questions incessantly and breaking into Elmo's Song over and over again. The Sesame Street crew has been conditioned to tolerate this (with a little help from earplugs and meds, no doubt), but the Muppets will have no defense. And there's not a thing they can do about it. Are they going to attack a child? Do that and they might as well declare Santa Claus doesn't exist and move to Moonwalker Ranch; they'll be out of a job, living on the street begging for lint. Sesame Street has no such worries since they are on PBS where having no audience for your program is not the least bit unusual.
The Muppet Show is about to find out that there are worse things than being green.
HOTBRANCH: It's time to grab the handguns, it's time to throw some knives, it's time to start the killing on the Grudge Match show tonight!
I've been on the wrong side of many a lopsided battle before, so I know how you're feeling now, Paul. You're bubbling over with giddy and youthful enthusiasm, you feel your arguments are rock solid, and your skillfully crafted words will convince the Grudge faithful to drop a chad in your favor. Well strap on your helmet, Alice, and prepare your dream world for a reality bitchslap! Am I ever glad I'm not you right now (for more than my usual 17,823 reasons)...
The Muppet Show represents everything that it takes to be a Grudge champion. Scooter is practically identical to Radar O'Reilly, right-hand man of Col. Henry Blake. Miss Piggy is a double-barreled threat. Her take charge manner is nothing more than Leona Helmsley in a non-kosher epidermis. Her ability to combine martial arts and witty repartee is vintage Jackie Chan. If Animal were any closer genetically to the Tasmanian Devil, they'd be part of the Deliverance crew.
Looking at Sesame Street, I see only parallels to Grudge losers. Sesame Street's initials are SS; the Germans are Grudge losers, as is the French Army they overran. Elmo is loved by children everywhere, so was Barney before he ventured into the Grudge Match, and look how he ended up. Rumor has it that Bert is evil, but come on... The bottle cap collection, his fondness for pigeons. He can't hide his true nature: he's a Trekkie, and their record of futility is extensively documented in this forum.
Clearly, the felt DNA of the Muppets is a breed apart.
PAUL: French bashing again, HotBranch!? Two can play this game. The new featured Muppet is Pepe the King Prawn, the French priss. He's even representing the Muppets in Long John Silver's commercials (Hmm, French spokesman... American Heartland... wonder how that ad campaign is working these days). More to the point, need I remind you that YOU are French, Mr. Branchaud? And my half German ass is about to introduce you to some whoop.
To start with the obvious, if Sesame Street is not Grudge Match champion material, then please explain COOKIE MONSTER. C is for Clueless, eh?
Now, I must agree with you that Animal is a key factor, but he'll be fighting for Sesame Street. Why? How would you feel leashed to a chain and walked about? Plus Animal has the vocabulary of a toddler, and, observing his scrawny physique, Scooter must be embezzling the food budget. Just promise to teach him to read and throw him some cookies and he'll be singing his newly learned ABCs while turning Miss Piggy into sausages. With those two champions gone, the Muppets will have to rely on folks like the Swedish Chef, a man regularly defeated by FOOD.
Anyway, Sesame Street is supported by "viewers like you". Hey, you, audience! Yeah you! You donated $100 for the tote bag. You are legally required to vote for Sesame Street. Operators are standing by to take your pledge.
HOTBRANCH: When I was younger (ok, last week), Brian's Uncle Olaf took me on his knee and said "Never pull the finger of a man who impersonates Liza Minelli." What he meant to say was that when one is faced with two undesirable choices, and a lack of the "both maimed and killed" option, even Star Trek can do the impossible and win a match. Cookie Monster was the least objectionable of two choices.
The Muppet Show is rife with sandbags, knives, cannons, bombs, Fozzie's bad jokes, and who knows what else. Not only do the vaudevillians have the artillery, they have indestructible characters. Gonzo and Crazy Harry are regularly playing with explosives, yet never seem to do more than singe themselves for comic relief. The Swedish Chef has human hands and real knives. You'd be lucky to find a spork on Sesame Street. Never mind the problems associated with bringing a knife to a gunfight, what's the worst that Elmo can do, tickle the Muppets to death? Bring it, you furry red bitch!
One could make a case for the Sesame grown-ups to help in this fight, but the Muppets Show has stars and their requisite bodyguards. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the Electric Mayhem called on P. Diddy (the P stands for "Pop a cap in yo' ass!") if things looked to be getting out of hand. All in all, the Muppet Show is staffed with puppets on the edge. Make no mistake, these are puppets that kill. It's almost a shame to waste their sociopathic talents on street puppets.
When all is said and done, Sesame Street will run blood red and, for the first time ever, Statler and Waldorf will thoroughly enjoy the show.
OK, OK, I have to do it:
Camera fades in on downtown NY. It finds its way to a basketball court, where the Muppets are snapping their fingers in time with each other.
Kermit: Elmo is gonna pay for messin' with my girl!
(Miss Piggy runs off crying)
Camera fades to another locale, where the Sesame Street gang is engaging in spontaneous coreographed ballet.
Sesame Street (singing): I want to be on Se-sa-me Street, OK by me on
Se-sa-me Street, Sponsored by "D" on Se-sa-me Street...
The gangs converge on each other underneath the bridge. The Muppets are armed with baseball bats, while the Sesame Street gang uses chains. There is a long, ugly battle sequence. Elmo and Kermit are both slain.
Miss Piggy (weeping over Elmo's body): You ANIMALS!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED???
Everyone looks at Elmo, then at each other. They all think of Tickle-Me-Elmo, and the irritation and suffering it caused all of them.
All the puppets wrap arms around each other's shoulders and saunter off, towards a brighter, better, and Elmo-free tomorrow.
- The Mad Josher, Destroyer of Small, Furry, Red Creatures
What's red and green and spread all over?
Kermit, when he tries to get in the middle of two gangs of rioting Muppets! Wokka, wokka, wokka!
- Don "King of Comedy" Milliken
The Muppet Show crew is guaranteed to win this match, because their ranks include two battle-hardened warriors armed with the most devastating weapon in existence: Sarcasm(tm). Those warriors of course, are none other than Statler and Waldorf. Since Sesame Street is an educational show for tiny tots dreamed up by European-style nanny-state liberals, its cast will be completely unprepared for Statler and Waldorf's ruthless efforts to Hurt Their Feelings(tm). Indeed, the first thing to soften up the Sesame Streeters is the revelation that famed Sesame Street journalist Kermit has joined the Muppet Show's ranks, making him in effect the Peter Arnett of Muppetdom. (How's that for a topical reference?)
Thus, the Children's Television Workshop(tm) will send its most feared fighters up against Statler and Waldorf, to no avail.
Snuffleupagus: You two are being mean!
The Count: I see vun, two dead sarcastic Muppets! Ha ha ha!
And finally, the CTW resorts to sending in the most sarcastic
creature Sesame Street has ever known: Oscar the Grouch.
And so, the Sesame Street cast is so Traumatized(tm) by all this that they all end up commiting ritual suicide.
- TV's Grady (Yes, that lost episode I mentioned really does exist. No, I will NOT tell you where to find a bootleg copy of it.)
It's not that easy to be seen;
It's not easy to be seen.
Being seen's the coolest of things
Being seen is all there is to be
- Mark Wentz
Though I like the Muppets better, the Sesame Street characters come up with a foolproof plan- stuff explosives into Oscar's trash can (with him inside) and kick it over to where the Muppet's are standing and Kaboom! A kamikaze attack. Who will miss Oscar the puppet who never bathes and lives in filth? Just get some homeless guy off the street to replace him. He never bathes and he lives in filth too. Everthything will be just fine!
Has Peter Jackson,the director of "Lord of the rings" ever done a Sema Street spoof?
- Tyler Durden(O is for one-sided bloodbath!)
I was raised on Sesame Street and The Muppet Show. After "sunny days" of psychedelic cartoons and merciless cheer The Muppet Show is about all that stood between me and a degree in liberal arts. I l...oathe, l..oathe, l.oathe, LOATHE Sesamee Streat! OOOOH, that's right I misspelled your stupid name you PROZAC FREAKS AND I have NEVER paid ANYTHING to PBS! C'mon and BRING IT! I got me a whole friggin' cast o' Whoop-Ass and twenty years of poor grammar to turn your happy little asses into a GIANT QUILT!
POWER TO THE MUPPET SHOW COALITION!
- RCAlicea- soon to be truly free judging by the current standings!
Sesame Street has legions of children on its side, but The Muppet Show has a sizable legion of fat fanboys in their mid-20s desperate to return to childhood (and already half-way there, what with Mom still doing their laundry.)
Real kids vs. Grown kids. While the emotional maturity of both sides may be about equal, the fanboys are overzealously committed, have at least 250 pounds on the little kids each and the ability to drive (albeit a used Dodge Dart with rust damage).
They also have the gila monster-esque ability to not let something totally inane go until the other side capitulates. Ever caught a Trekkie in an obvious mistake? Ever see them go on and on and on in a desperate attempt to show how in some minor, complex, semantic way they're actually right? Fanboys don't let up. They'll moosh the kids AND the Sesame Street puppets, then fight amongst themselves over whether Big Bird is a muppet or a costume, using arguments based on Henson quotes from interviews in 1979 and the appendix of the Special Collector's Import edition of The Dark Crystal available only in Norway.
Discounting the fan-boy quotient, The Muppet Show has long-range artillery: Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Fish, the single best character on TV ever.
- Dr. Strangepork
Look, all anyone has to do here is accidentally use the word "bang" or any of its synonyms in any context and Crazy Harry will take care of the rest
Big Bird: Say, Miss Piggy, your bangs sure look nice!
Crazy Harry (carrying dynamite plunger): Did somebody say BANG?!?!
- Tracer Malone (Can you tell me how to get, how to get to that smoking crater in the middle of the city?)
Three words: Tickle Me Elmo(TM)
That little red demon that caused so many riots, maimings and stampedes among parents is going to be the death of all the sesame street gang. The kids got the Toy of the Year(TM), and instead decided to play with the wrapping paper. They don't care about some screwed up little fuzzball that laughs when you touch it. So the parents enRAGEd by the marketing ploys that got them to spend their vacation money on a vibrating teddy bear that slightly resembles a TV character, will rush the area, tearing the little freaks to bits of polyester.
Cookie Monster, the sole survivor of the slaughter, crawls from the body pile, his legs missing. A weak moan leaves his lips...
- Archangel (I think that smurf thing that cussed at you would be infinitely more entertaining)
come on!! y'all know that the Muppets are going to totally kick some ass here. you just don't see Sesame Street playing around with guns, explosives, knives, food processiors and other shape objects. the closest i think they have ever came to anything sharp would be those plastic safety scissors that they give you in kindergarten. the worst you can do with those is an above average paper cut. athough i have recieved many papercuts in my life, i just dont think that beings that have been repeatedly blasted and bashed will laugh at this attack with safety scissiors and then start passing out the sharp objects and the C4. the Swedish Chef takes some plastic explosive and shapes it like cookies. Scooter chucks them at Cookie Monster, turning him into an unknowning suicide bomber. when he waddles back from the front, Scooter hits the detainator, which takes out the Count, Grover, and Ernie. Burt, seeing his gay lover die in front of him, goes berserk and charges headlong into the fray. He takes Scooter and Ralph, but gets dropped like the ugly girl when the guy finds out that the Hottest Girl in School suddenly has no date for the Senior Prom when he takes a karate chop from Miss Piggy. Fozz E. Bear, the pimp that he is, puts the moves on that sweet looking chick puppet from S.S., and soon, has her working on another street.(Me so horny baby!! Me love you long time! Me sucky-sucky and stick hand up ass!!) Animal corners Oscar into his garbage can, and goes into a drum solo that would even impress the guys from Iron Butterfly. somewhere in the middle of that solo, Oscar's head explodes, from the reverbarations on the can. Elmo, riding Snuffleupagus like an War Elephant, does manage to take out Miss *War* Pig and and the Swede, but they are outnumbered and slowly Snuffleupagus is dragged down by Muppets and is hack to death. Elmo is taken as a prisoner of war will be subjected to things not allowed under the Geneva Conventions. Big Bird and gonzo have been battling it out, beak to beak, much like the lightsaber duel that Yoda had in Attack of the Clones, with the little guy jumping and spinning around. Gonzo leaps on top of the Bird, and with his beak slices thru the neck of the Bird. the rest of the muppets left, seeing that the bird is now dead, rejoice over their victory, and soon make plans to start cooking the Bird up for dinner tonight!!
- BIGMRG74 -- its true, Mr. Silverback doesn't have some lacky in Qatar that writes his taglines, he writes that bad all by himself!!
Gotta go with the Sesame Street crew here. They have the Count on their side...the only Muppet able to summon lightning simply by counting to a certain number.
"That's eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Twenty charred corpses! AHAHAHA!"
- RoboGoober Version 2
I decided to conduct a scientific study (with some of my sister's old dolls) into the nature of this match in order to determine a conclusive winner... let's watch, shall we?
Step one is determining a common weakness between the two sides. Initial testing shows that while neither is particularly harmed by water, both the Muppets and Sesame Street do not react favorably to fire. Elmo and Fozzie both burned particularly well.
Conclusion: Both Muppets and Sesame Street are vulnerable to fire.
In step two, I attempted to discern which team is more likely to use fire against the other side. For this, I watched two episodes of each show (my friend has the old Muppet show tapes).
Upon comparison, Sesame Street is a bunch of pacifist wusses. I saw no fire or anything related therein in either episode. The Muppet Show, however, had not only fire, but exactly 329 explosions between the two episodes. My God... the explosions... the madness.
Conclusion: Sesame Street has no fire. The Muppet Show has enough firepower to outdo the U.S. Military.
Thus, the logical conclusion to be reached is that Sesame Street is going to burn in the firey hell that will be unleashed by the Muppets.
Oh boy, will they burn.
In an outside note, it is really difficult to explain to your little sister why you lit her Elmo doll on fire. Less so for Fozzie. Hmmm...
All I know is, if this match is televised, then millions of little kids are gonna be scarred for life. Cool.
- Scotty J.
In order to determine the outcome of this altercation, it is necessary to delve deeper into the history of the Muppet Show.
In its earliest episodes, the show attempted to establish a "tradition" in which Kermit would present the guest star with a Muppet likeness of themselves after the show. If you find that just a little creepy, you won't get an argument from me. This "tradition" lasted all of two episodes. Of the "fortunate" ladies that received this rare honour, Juliet Prowse is dead and Connie Stevens has all but slipped into obscurity. Coincidence?
On another note, an early sketch involved a critic who lambasted the Muppets' Star Trek parody "Pigs In Space". At the end of the sketch, the pigs abducted the critic and transformed him into a pig who gave the show "two hoofs up"!
What does all this indicate? The Muppets are masters of... assimilation.
Suddenly the outcome is clear. It all begins when Elmo comes trotting up to Sweetums the monster, singing in that happy little voice of his. Sweetums, without flinching, stuffs Elmo into his mouth and swallows him whole, because that's what happens to little Muppets who wander too close.
The assimilation begins. Cookie Monster instantly becomes hooked on those "special cookies" the Electric Mayhem makes (come on, you know Zoot is fried worse than Richard Pryor), and joins the band as its new baritone. Bert gets a job as a production assistant and finds kinship in fellow nerd Scooter. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew takes the manic- depressive Telly Monster as his new assistant. Beaker watches with glee as somebody else gets turned into a stammering mental case for a change. Ernie becomes a successful stand-up comic, with Fozzie as the straight-man. (Okay, no cracks) Oscar is content to sit on the balcony and heckle with Statler and Waldorf, throwing garbage occasionally. Grover, with his high pain threshold, becomes Gonzo's stunt partner. The Count vamps on his pipe organ, performing duets with Rowlf. Prairie Dawn becomes a diva-in-training under the tutelage of Miss Piggy herself. Biff and Sulley go to work fixing the Muppet Theatre. Forgetful Jones becomes the Muppet's attorney (hey, technically he's not lying). A stirring patriotic lecture from Sam the Eagle, and Big Bird is a changed avian; throwing away that sissy teddy bear and serving the American army in Iraq. Gladys the Cow and Mr. Snuffleupagus mysteriously disappear, and the Swedish Chef shows off his new "joocy hamma boorgers". The talking letters and numbers are placed on the theatre marquee.
After the cast becomes assimilated, "Sesame Street" will become "Gordon's 'Hood", with the tough-talkin' brotha roaming the streets and asking Roosevelt Franklin what they call a cheeseburger in Fraggle Rock. Booya!
- Oxymoron - Yoda doesn't count; he's non-union
It all comes down to Animal. When unleashed, he is pure destruction.
"Big Bird go Bye-Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!!!!!"
Plus, anyone who can survive Nanny's socks...
- Poulet Rouge (the Red Chicken)
The Muppets have a tendency to explode. Kinda like a kid-friendly suicide bombers.
- JmanX (The X stands for, yep, you guessed it, Frank Stallone)
Sesame Street may try to educate people, but it's pretty obvious that the Muppets will take them to school here.
Come on, the Muppets have trashed greedy capitalists and jewel thieves. What has Sesame Street done? They sing songs. Wow. What a pre-requisite to an all out brawl. The Muppets have the raw fury of Miss Piggy. She's been known to beat the living hell out of anything that pisses her off. She has THE RAGE! The Muppets also have Jack, the huge brute. What does Sesame Street have? A big sissy yellow bird. Face it: while the Muppets are tearing them all a new one, they'll be saying, "Come on now, fighting is bad!" They have Cookie Monster, but since none of the Muppets are cookies, he's not much of an advantage.
Paul, you are gravely mistaken about Animal. He loves the Muppets! If he hated them, don't you think he would have smashed them all when he took Dr. Bunsen Honeydew's instant growth pills and scared off Doc Hopper?
Most of the human members of Sesame Street are female, right? Animal holds them off by running after them screaming, "WOMAN!! WOMAN!!"
The whole thing comes to an end when Gonzo calls his alien kinfolk. They show up and fry all the remaining denizens of Sesame Street. The Muppets then sit down and enjoy a healthy serving of Big Bird Borsche, whipped up by the Swedish Chef.
- Noble Brown
To fully understand this match, it is necessary to study the works of that creative genius Harold Reynolds. This man is one of my role models. He should be canonized. I will include a helpful link to his story collection here.
please note that in his delightful tales, Poppy Street has been substituted for Sesame Street.
- BentMan Himself
The Muppets have this one Hand/Flippers/paws down. Heres why the muppets have the power of The FORCE on thier side for two reasons
1) Guest stars; Mark Hamil (and cousin Luke Skywalker) along with the driods (R2D2 nd C3PO) have appeared on the muppet show
2) Dual Identy: thats right Miss Piggy (Frank OZ) is Also YODA and also posseses the force (how else could she have entranced the Frog)
Also throw into the Mix the Giant size muppets of which Sesame Street has only 2 Big Bird and his/her 'imaginary' friend Suffaluffagus (if thats spelled right) while the Muppets have at least a dozen of which 'Sweet-ums' alone could handle the SS heavy weights in a round resembling 'Chewbacca VS Barney And Westly'
Ans speaking of the Wookie, He also guest appeared in the same episode as Mark Hamil and Luke Skywalker. so one he (chewie) is let loose the fur will realy fly. (and if the Muppet Show loses the SS gang will be missing a lot of Arms)
Not to mention the Ultimate Trump card, Superman (Christopher Reave) and what will we see from the Sesame Street gang
Oscar befriending Rizzo the Rat
Big Bird being wooed by Gonzo (again as BB DID apear in one episode of TMS and Gonze was in Love with BB)
the Count counting all Gonzos Chickens (ought to take a couple of Days at least)
In short the Sesame Streey gang will end up in a world of Hurt.
- Muppet Jedi
Are you kidding? The Muppets still make me laugh. Sesame Street's gigs get old at about 2 and a half years old.
- Fred, the Rabid Nutria
The secret factor here is Grover. The other Henson creations are powerful, but they just cannot compare to the might of... Super Grover! Who hasn't been impressed by his feats of superpowers? Clearly, he's the deciding factor.
Unfortunately, he's the deciding factor for the Muppet Show crew. Grover got cut out of the show for that weasel Elmo, and as we all know, Grover is bitter. He's going to take his pent-up RAGE (tm, and about to be a major motion picture starring Hotbranch! and Mr. T) and open a fuzzy can of Whoop-Felt on his former co-stars.
Failing that, I'm going to go with the show that gave out Punk Merit Badges. And that had Alice Cooper on. And that introduced Vincent Price to children. Wait, I grew up on this show? Wow, at least I don't need a therapist to understand why I'm like this...
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
So the Sesame Street crew knows a few letters and numbers. Big deal. Most of them still can't read and the only puppet with enough guff to kick anyone's ass is Oscar. The Muppets, on the other hand, are actors. And not just any pretty faced actors, these are ugly actors who somehow still manage to make it in show business, besides solving crimes and having connections with Gonzo's jammin' alien relatives. The nearest thing to a crime that Sesame street ever got to was when big-bird was kidnapped and they couldn't recognize him because he was dyed blue. No, if anyone's going down the trashcan it's Sesame Street.
- Kari "This message was brought to you by your mom" Owen
At first, I was going to vote for the Muppet Show. I really was.
As HotBranch! pointed out, the Muppet Show is filled to the bursting point with homicidal maniacs (ie Animal or Crazy Harry) and masochists (the Great Gonzo). Brian Henson is even quoted as saying that his father's motto for the Muppet show was "When you don't know how to end a skit, then just shoot something, blow it up, or throw penguins around." We're dealing with the brain children of a madman here!
However... there is one race of Muppet that you have all sadly forgotten...
As all forms of psychotic puppets set about blowing each other up and whatnot, the ground begins to vibrate mildly. Soon, a deep steady bass beat is heard as the ground weakens due to some strange underground creature digging its tunnels underneath. The ground shakes wildly as a heavy metal guitar is heard playing and finally the convention center where the Henson family reunion is being held collapses to the ground. Every Muppet Show and Sesame Street character is unconscious amid the rubble. (But not dead. Remember. Muppets CAN'T die! I'm serious! They can't!) The music bursts into the Fraggle Rock themesong and suddenly, something stirs amid the ruin. Then, five weird multi-colored mole-like people pop up.
"Are you s-s-sure this is wh-where everyone's supposed to be?" whimpers Wembly the Fraggle.
"Well," answers Gobo, "Uncle Matt SAID that the reunion would be here, but you can't always trust his directions..."
Muppet Show: Losers (unconscious)
Sesame Street: Losers (unconscious)
Fraggle Rock: Winners (by a technicality)
Meanwhile, Jim Henson smiles down from Heaven with the joyous realization that his creations are still altering the minds of the innocent. God rest his merry, mad old soul.
- The Mysterious Dr. X
What was Brian and Steve thinking?
"I think that we need a match betwhen a bunch of sissy pacifists against a bunch of armed lunatics."
"Yeah, you are so totally right. We have to few matches like that."
"I love you Brian."
"I love you to Steve."
Ya know Paul, if you actually read your own source material, i.e. the link for Pepe as the spokes-shrimp for Long John Silver, you would realize he is SPANISH! Therefore negating your argument. You lose, game over.
O sure, he CLAIMS to be Spanish. He also used to be insulted to be called a "shrimp" ("I am a KING PRAWN") yet he is now a "spoke-shrimp". It's a front!
With that said, a pretty girl told me he was French. Good enough for me. - Paul
When I first saw this match, my instincts said that the Muppets would win this one easily. That show is damn violent.
But then a thought occurred to me. Have you ever sat down and had a close look at Sesame Street? It's like an alleyway. You never see any cars around, all the buildings look dingy and grubby, and most of the time the street seems to be deserted. Sesame Street is the hood. It's the projects. It's a puppet version of Hells Kitchen. Big Bird is living in a nest on the footpath, while Oscar is forced to live in a rubbish bin with only slimey the worm for company, and Bert and Ernie are forced to live in a tiny one room apartment furnished with cheap and tacky Salvation Army donated 70's furniture. This kind of inner city slum life is a festering, bubbling, breeding ground for "THE RAGE"(tm)
Sure the Muppets look violent, but it's just a variety show, with celebrity guests and musical numbers... it's entertainment. The Sesame Street Posse can't look violent, or else they'd be raided by the cops and feds. They have to get their business done after dark, when the cameras have gone and the ho's come out, and then they have the evidence washed clean before the next days filming. After all, doing the show is probably some sort of court ordered group community service.
The Sesame Street Gang has to get this one, and with the home turf advantage there will be enough white cotton stuffing and shreds of muppet splashed across the street to keep the neighbourhood kiddies supplied with free arts and crafts material for the next 3 seasons.
Todays lesson in humiliation was brought to the Muppets by the letters "F" and "U", and by the number "4"gone conclusion.
- Hyper_Intelligent_Fish ("Can you tell me how to run.... run away from Sesame Street....")
Whom really cares as long as that EEVIL!! little red devil is horrably maimed, resulting in a injury that rips out elmo's vocal cords and ends in a slow, painfull death for the little maggot!! hell man, you guys shoulda put him up against barney. at least wesley didn't try to sing and dance.
- wearing shorts make people think i have two alibino trowser snakes for legs!!
Elmo has the firepower to take on many small countries, let alone the Muppet Show. His mind-numbing happiness reduces the formerly sane to gibbering mounds of jelly. Also, he has his own cult (try not to think about it)
Today's episode will be brought to you by the letter "Q" and the mangled remains of Gonzo.
- Fish of Death (I'm serious about the Elmo cult)
The reason why the Muppets will doom the Streeters is based around one large point of experience-
The Muppets live in perpetual conflict... look at it- Piggies karate chopping people, Animal needs to be taken away for sexual harassment, Statler and Waldorf verbally demolish anyone (so knock down Telly, Grover and Elmo), they have taken on Bikers, Multimillion companies, the American Secret Service... the Devil (Remember Alice Cooper signing souls?)
The only conflict Sesame Street have to deal with is a Grouch (who's overly emotionally attatched to his worm (!?)) and two guys who sleep in the same bedroom (who havent come out yet?) arguing over the words that begin with L and rhyming.
The Muppets Fight, Streeters dont and why can Muppets overcome all this internal conflict and direct it at the Streeters?
Kermit... Kermit continually gets all of their asses out of the fire and to vict\ory every time (he's a news reporter for Sesame Street news thats all and he's possibly gathering evidence but even if Kermit's trying to remain neutral- he wont for long....
One of the guiding factors in this battle where will Kermit go when it all goes down. oh yeah sure he'll play peacekeeper for a while but lets face two important facts:
1) Kermit's woman is involved
2) Kermit is whipped when it comes to Piggy
Hell the little green guy stepped up to Superman when Piggy went wandering
Experience and leadership is why the Muppets will whoop some ass
As a conservative, I am a big believer of the private sector. Without NPR,the NEA, and PBS, we would have a bunch of losers that can't push play on a CD player, create any decent work of art, and a bunch of professional beggers in the unemployment line, instead of wasting valuable tax money that could more easily be spent on $800 hammers and $3000 toilet seats (or god help us a TAX CUT!). If forced to compete in the real world, the Street would die out before parents had to spend more money on another Tickle Me Elmo that their kids would throw away 2 days later.
- Wise Ass
< to the tune of "sunny day" >
hehehe, took me a while to come up with that one. oh yeah, one more thing. thinkmaster general spanks it to miss piggy porno's!!!!
- CARTOON PORN STAR
Sam the Eagle=George Bush
Bert=Saddam Hussein (They're both evil)
There may some tense urban warfare on Sesame Street, but does anybody doubt the outcome?
Even though I loved Sesame Street as a kid, I will have to vote for the Muppets. Let's look at Sesame Street's "big" players. First there is big bird. He is big, but he only has use of one arm. (The actor's other arm is what hold's up his head and makes his mouth move.) He may have discovered the fountain of youth because he was 6 when I was 6, and now I am 34 and he is still 6, but that will get in his way. How vicious can he be? Snuffy is cute, and yes was able to hide for 15 years. But that's all he can do -- hide. He has no ability to focus. For 15 years (while Big Bird remained 6) he told snuffy to "stay right here" while he got someone to see him. After about 10 seconds he would be thinking of something else -- like forgetting a toothbrush and be gone. I recently saw the episode where everyone finally sees snuffy. Do you know who physically held snuffy in place so the adults could see him? ELMO! If Elmo can hold you in place... well enough said on that. I want to make my point without insulting my childhood memories. And the final heavy hitter is Oscar. He is messy. That's it. His grose out tactics might work on a few of the muppets, but Ms. Piggy will not be amused. And animal will eat the grose stuff and Oscar for an appetizer, finish of Roast Big Bird for dinner and have snuffy stuffed.
When I was really young, let's say five or six, there was a show on MTV called Half Hour Comedy Hour. It was an obscure stand-up show with little skit commercials inbetween acts. One of these little skits was something called "Nightmare on Sesame Street". I don't remember too many details, but it did involve Ernie chasing Burt down the street with a knife and a scene with Cookie Monster that will forever be engraved in my mind.
Cookie Monster asked Grover for some cookies, to which Grover responded that he didn't have any. So it cut to Cookie Monster sucking out Grover's brains through a straw he shoved into the muppet's skull. So young little me sees this and is quickly traumatized into a coma.
But yet, that wasn't the only time at that age when I've been scared silly by a muppet. I remember seeing the Muppet Movie and being deathly afraid of Sweetums once he showed up. Granted, he later became one of my favorite muppets, but at the time he looked like he was going to burst through the screen and chew me up without thinking twice.
So there you go. One camp has characters that needed to be skewed in order to seem threatening (see also: Homicide: Life of the Sesame Street and that picture when the gang is smoking cigarettes) and then you have a camp that hones a character that looks and acts like he can and will tear Barney's head off.
The Muppet Show guys take this match like it was Manhattan.
As the fight is just heating up, a group of people step into the room.
"you see, Aeryn, these are the lousy puppets that inspired me to go on that experiment," said Crichton.
And they proceede to clean up withe there Pulse Rifles
- Shahean IIX Dominar of all Tiogans and Savior of the Race
Typical. The one time I need an "All Mangled and Killed" button, and it's not there! Now I'm going to have to choose between shows I haven't watched for about a decade(I'm a teenager, get over it.)! But the Muppets have a connection to rock music(through the video to Weezer's song "Keep Fishing"), allowing them to call upon other rock stars. Pity any of the Sesame Street stars if Marilyn Manson or Corey Taylor(from Slipknot) get their hands on them.
Winners: The Muppets, via a hell of a lot of interference
A is for Animal, who I wanted to be since I was 6 years old.
B is for Beaker, who was the guinea pig for any devices eventually used on the Sesame Street monsters.
C is for Cookie, who my baby loves to teeth on.
D is for Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who is the smartest person I know.
E is for Ernie, who slept and snored through the vicious battle.
F is for Fozzy, who now makes jokes at Oscar's expense.
G is for Gonzo, whose daredevil actions we used to ridicule are now praised by the Grudge-Match.com (TM) faithful.
H is for Herry Monster, who could not muster The Rage (TM) and was pecked to death by Sam the Eagle.
I is for Insane Clown Posse, who have absolutely nothing to do with this match.
J is for Jim Henson, who is obviously rolling in his grave as we speak.
K is for Kermit the Frog, whose allegiance was questioned by all.
L is for Lulu, whose "Three Amigas" screamed like banshees as Animal tried to get his groove thing on with them.
M is for Martians, who were the real reason there's no more Mr. Hooper.
N is for Mr. Noodle... RIP Mr. Jeter.
O is for Oscar, whose remains were incinerated and consequently dumped in... well, you know.
P is for Ms. Piggy, who singlehandedly took on Big Bird, Elmo, and all of Bert's pigeons with expertise rivaled by most 10th degree black belts.
Q is for Queen Latifah, who tried and failed to call for UNITY.
R is for Rosita, who nobody could understand so they killed her just for the hell of it.
S is for the Street Rats--Rizzo and company conducted wide surveillance from the sewers on Sesame Street and are responsible for most of the success of the match.
T is for Telly, who is a big whiny bitch.
U is for Up-Up-And-Away which is where Super Grover is headed since Scotter dropped a sand bag on him.
<V is brought to you by the number 2, which is how many fingers it takes to form this letter>
W is for Waldorf and Statler, who were the old coaches in the vein of Tom Landry and succeeded just as well.
X is for 10 (the Roman numeral for 10 is X), which is how long it took in minutes for me to decide who I would vote for.
Y is for the Young Children, screeching like high pitched sirens when their favorite PBS show comes on with new characters like Beheaded Bertha and One-Arm Mac.
Z is for Zoe, who was a special victim in the ransack-and-pillage tactics of the Muppets.
Well, boys and girls, I hope you can come again soon!
- The Genie
Sam the Eagle, fulfilling his patriotic duty, decides to make it his mission to set Bert and Ernie straight. He invites them to go with him to Don't Ask, Don't Tell, what he supposes to be a strip club for his good old boys, the marines. "If this doesn't cure them, I don't know what will," he thinks to himself. Statler, Waldorf and the rest of Sesame Street accompanies the trio--for moral support, of course. Miss Piggy isn't having any of this nonsense and browbeats the rest of The Muppet Show's cast into not going.
Much to Sam's chagrin, it's not a strip club but an erotic toy store with kinky love aids for all sexual orientations. Bert and Ernie immediately fall upon the flavored lube, and eachother, in the process knocking over a huge bin of condoms, which the Count is then compelled to organize and count. Cookie Monster finds a pile of edible panties and of course must try them all. Rosita and Grover pounce on the dress-up clothes. Rosita finds a French maid costume and can't resist tickling Elmo into submission with a feather duster. Grover tries on what he thinks is a Super Grover helmet and cape, but it turns out to be a Mexican wrestler mask which scares Big Bird senseless.
Meanwhile, a helpful saleswoman offers to teach Zoe an exciting new dance involving a pole. Oscar is more interested in the magazine rack labeled "trashy" but consequently extremely disappointed with its actual content and thus sets about trashing the place up.
The cast of Sesame Street has been hopelessly corrupted; the show can't go on. After all, you can't really base a show on Snuffy looking around and saying, "Bird? Bird? Where are you, bird? Big Bird?" That's hardly edutainment.
So, in summary, Sesame Street loses most of its cast, and the Muppet Show loses Sam, Statler and Waldorf (not a big loss, in my opinion).
- Misanthropic Squid
Ms Piggy kicked the crap out of almost every person who ever appeared as a guest on that show - if thats how they treat guests I don't even want to know what they do to their enemys...
- print it or I'll set the pig on you!
While idly perusing the internet (read: working), I discovered that Mr. T has confronted and defeated not only Elmo but also Sesame Street Sports. The Muppets can't lose with Mr. T on their side.
- Duc de Nevers
This match hinges on two factors: What period of Sesame Street we're talking about, and what side Kermit is on.
Sesame street, as it is now, would lose hands down. It's been dumbed down to an enormous extent. But the show used to be quite good, even a little risqué. This was before Elmo, and before whatshisface the old store guy died. The characters were disfunctional (a schitzoid bird, a monster obsessed with cookies, an obsessive-compulsive vampire, a angry green person living in a trash can, the bird's imaginary friend, and Grover. The adults on the show cracked jokes which were decidedly adult, helping to corrupt our youth the right way. The old Sesame Street kicked ass.
Kermit's side is even more major. He was central to both Sesame Street and the Muppet show at one point, so who can say who he'd be fighting for? He's also an established Grudge Match Champion™ which has got to count for something.
If neither is elaborated on... I suppose I'd go with Sesame Street, just because of Oscar. I mean, he's basically a violent hobo, living in a trash can. I'd bet he's great with a broken bottle.
- Duct Tape Tom
Gotta go with the dudes from PBS. In The Simpsons, Kermit the Frog loses to Troy Mculure in a swordfight during the movie for a rained out ball game. Seasame St, and the other hand, had Big Bird swooping down on Homer like a falcon, and Oscar and Elmo following Homer into the church. "Elmo knows where you live." The RAGE(tm) of these guys is just amazing. Plus, the Count is a vampire, which makes him immortal.
- Mr. Mister
Indeed, neither Muppet nor puppet will win this match. Because just before Fozzie throws a pie the third guest will come to the Henson reunion... he's short, green, and can use the forse, please welcome former Grudge-master YODA!!! Yoda will hush everyone with his Jedi powers(tm), and then say, "agression leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate is the way of the Dark Muppet! When he lets them move, Fozzie, always full of bright ideas, decides to throw the pie at Yoda. Bad move... Yoda then sentences all of the muppets to the worst fate a Mupper or any actor could have: a doomed movie! They will all have major roles in Star Wars Episode III: Attack of the Puppet Monsters From Mars! (It's gotta be better than what lucas could come up with!)All are doomed.
Scooter: Mr Reaper? Thirty Seconds to Curtain, Mr. Reaper!
Death: CURTAINS? GOODY.
(da-da da da-da DAA!)
It's time to buy first aid kits,
The Muppet Show's got Piggy,
And now let's get things started!
On the most sensational, confrontational, rumbleational,
(Gonzo blows his trumpet, somehow ending the match in one shot.)
The Muppets. Why? Two words: Uncle Deadly. To this day I have no idea what the hell that thing was, but it scared the crap out of me as an infant. I love the Sesame Street guys as much as anyone, but no way can any of them take someone named UNCLE DEADLY in a fight.
I commend you. You've managed to do what only the Empire and MST3K could before you. Muppets have no circulatory or respiratory systems, so they can't do drugs. Add that to the shortage on female muppets, and the lack of any genitalia (Kermit excluded, we've all seen him f*** the sock'), and you have a hell of a lot of suppressed sexual tension. They're just begging to let it out, and by giving not one, but TWO groups an excuse to do so, you have the power to destroy entire planets.
But Sesame Street would win. Cookie Monster is the only one calm enough to be a real killer. The Count, too. Being undead has advantages, and he's finally able to sate his immense appetite for living felt.
- Safety Swami Pippin
Sesame Street taught me things.
The Muppet Show made me laugh.
Economically speaking, entertainment is more profitable than public education, and as we all know, whoever has the most money, will have more power and will eventually win.
Kinda like the fact that people pay more attention to Hollywood actors with nothing but a High School diploma than they do to our leaders with several college degrees.....
- Pulmonox (Yeah, I had to drag politics into it....)
"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
The Muppet Show is the living felt-covered embodiment of that principle. Think about it: every member of this cast, including Kermit, has been punched or drop-kicked by Miss Piggy at some point. Fozzy is now long unfazed from tomatoes hitting his skull. Hell, in one episode a bunch of Muppets were shot yet they were all singing at the end of the show. Muppet Show's made a pact with Death or something: Der Swedish Chef could serve everyone fugu for dinner and it would only give Fozzy a mild headache.
Now, look at Sesame Street's crew: medical marijuana wouldn't relieve the constant agony these guys must endure every day. Ernie's supposed to be near-death from leukemia. They're bringing an HIV-infected Muppet to town and Oscar's been to the hospital at least once (probably from salmonella). Plus, Sesame Street isn't the safest 'hood to spend your youth: word on the street is that Roosevelt Franklin and Prarie Dawn were taken out by gangbangers from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. It won't get any better when Muppet Show gang unleash their secret weapon on Sesame Street:Gonzo
Yes, Gonzo! After already surviving twenty-five years of being set on fire, shot out of cannons and waterski mishaps, Gonzo also lives surrounded by chickens. Why is that last one important? 'Cuz viral pathologists tell us that almost 100% of all flu strains come out of China, where families keep chickens inside their homes so the flu virus is always mutating between man and bird. Wonder what's the deal with Gonzo's honker? That's flu, SARS and West Nile, man: he's to Captain Trips what Mary Mallon was to typhoid.
Gonzo walks around Sesame Street and all its Muppets start croaking. Match goes to Muppet Show. As an added precaution President Bush orders a quarantine around Sesame Street and all dead bodies burned in a hastily dug cremation pit behind Childrens Television Workshop.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight (I had to vote for Muppet Show 'cuz my wife made me do it...)
What a disturbing battle. (breif pause) I like it.
Looking at the contestents, it becomes obvious that this is a battle of chaos against order (The Muppet Show cleary embrassing chaos and insanity, while Seasame Street embodies order while teaching our young ones to read and count).
Given the general state of my apartment, it is quite apparant that chaos will always defeat order. So, since chaos is the rule of the match, that can only mean one thing: Seasame Street has a secret weapon.
Order destroyed, Evil Bert(TM) is released upon the match. With Evil Bert(TM) entered into the equation, all bets are off. With that kind of evil unleashed, "All mangled and killed"(TM) really becomes the only outcome possible. In fact, the only non-EVIL survivor of the carnage is Miss Piggy, who is so power hungry that she will forsake her beloved frog to be with the winner.
Of course, a week later Evil Bert(TM) "brings home the bacon," leaving Seasame Street as the defacto winner.
- They Might Be Matt
You know, one thing that always bothered me while watching 'Muppet Babies' as a kid was the fact that they never, ever showed Nanny's head. The reason for this was never quite clear to me as an innocent, naive youngster; in recent years, however, the horrifying truth has become painfully obvious.
Clearly she was decapitated.
And if those seemingly angelic little muppets were capable of such savagery and brutality at the tender young ages depicted on the show, I shudder to think what terrifying new heights their bloodthirtiness may have reached in maturity.
The Muppets in five, or heads will roll.
You see that big, open space in the Sesame Street photo?
The Ninja Mammoth has struck again.
God, you people are twisted.
- Bowman (what ever happened to bashing the BAD kid's shows?)
We try. - Eds.
While all the other Muppets are involved in the inevitable Wacky Muppet Hijinx (TM), one Muppet sneaks off to the nearest phone booth.
SAM THE EAGLE: Hello, is this the local division of the FBI? I would like to report an Al-Qaeda cell operating at 123 Sesame Street... Thank you. It is at times like this that I am proud to be an American.
Within minutes, the feds are there. Immediately recognizing Bert as a close associate of Osama bin Laden, they close in on Bert and his allies.
However, this will be a pyrrhic victory for Sam the Eagle. It has been scientifically proven that adults simply *can't* tell the difference between Sesame Street Muppets and Muppet Show Muppets! Therefore, the FBI will take custody of Sam and all of his buddies, as well as the gang from Sesame Street. Final Result: All Captured and Held at Guantanamo Bay.
- The Amazing Rando~!
At first, I thought, “Putting Sesame Street in a Grudge Match is like booking Rob Zombie on the 700 Club.” After all, the lasting impression from the days when I watched the show was an absolute absence of violence. In fact, under other conditions we might expect an easy Sesame Street win. There has been little or no crime or violence of any kind on Sesame Street, even though it takes place in New York City and its run has covered times when crime was so high it was safer to live in Beirut than the Big Apple. Clearly they are a very high priority with the NYPD and could expect their help. Unfortunately, the NYPD is drastically undermanned right at the moment. Hundreds of officers are on the injured list, requiring extensive olfactory reconstruction surgery after arresting 400 stench- ridden peaceniks at a “die-in” in Times Square last week. It sure smelled like 400 people died, with strong undertones of locker room, patchouli and doobage. Sorry, Sesame Street crew, you’re on your own.
This leads us to their opponents. My lasting impression from the Muppet Show: Violence. Lots and lots of it. Bombs going off, Miss Piggy whomping somebody into next week (sometimes several times an episode), cannons going off, heavy stuff falling on people, etc. The Muppet Show cast lives with and practices violence with skill and enthusiasm; the residents of Sesame Street live a sheltered life and are all about dialogue, feelings and creative conflict resolution. This won’t be like the fight between the 3rd Infantry Division and the Republican Guards Medina Division, this will be like a fight between the 3rd Infantry and a Unitarian Universalist church. Muppet Show opens a big can of MOAB on Sesame Street, routing them in 52 seconds, 36 seconds if they’re allowed to bring in Yoda.
- Mr. Silverback- Reporting from Downtown Baghdad...OK, actually, I’m in a closet in Swaziland.
Another recipe from Swedish Chef(tm), courtesy of WWWF Grudge Match(tm),
You will need:
10 lbs chocolate
Chef : Tudey ve-a veell be-a cuukeeng Chuculete-a Cheep Cuukeee-a Munster(tm). Furst, ve-a moost chup zee chuculete-a intu cheeps. Bork bork bork!
[The chef takes the large slab of chocolate and slams it down on the table. He flails wildly with the cleaver, slamming it into the table each side of the chocolate but missing it each time.]
Chef : Vell, I veell leefe-a zee cheepping ooff zee chuculete-a tu my glemuooruoos esseestunt. Vhere-a ere-a yuoo, glemuooruoos esseestunt?
[Miss Piggy enters the kitchen.]
Miss Piggy : What the hell do you want?
[Miss Piggy chases the Chef around the kitchen, aiming karate chops and kicks at his head but hitting the chocolate each time and breaking it into chunks.]
Miss Piggy : And let that be a lesson to you! The kitchen is no place for moi.
[Piggy strides out in a huff.]
Chef : Guud. Noo ve-a teke-a zee chuculete-a cheeps und poot zeem in zee blender.
[Chef puts chips in blender.]
Chef : Ve-a toorn zee blender oon... Nu! Veeet! Furst ve-a moost edd zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm). Vhere-a is zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)? Kermeet, breeng me-a zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)!
[The kitchen door opens and Kermit rushes in with the end of a rope in one flipper. Sounds of a pitched battle can be heard through the open door.]
Kermit : Uhhh, Chef, we're having a few problems finding you that Cookie Monster(tm). Can you use this instead?
[Kermit yanks the rope. A surprised-looking moose is pulled through the door.]
Chef : Vhet!? I em nut cuukeeng chuculete-a muuse-a! I em cuukeeng Chuculete-a Cheep Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)! I moost hefe-a a Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)! Breeng me-a a Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)!
[Chef chases Kermit around the kitchen with the cleaver. The moose watches in bemusement. Kermit's rope becomes tangled in the moose's legs and the moose falls over, out of sight behind the table.]
Chef : Noo, teke-a thees muuse-a oooot ooff here-a und breeng me-a a
[Kermit starts to pull the moose back through the door, only to be flattened by a trussed-up mass of blue fur that is hurled through the door by Animal.]
Animal : [Grinning even more fiendishly than usual] Coookiiieee!
[Chef chases Kermit and Animal out of the kitchen with his cleaver.]
Chef : Noo, ve-a poot zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm) in zee blender veet zee chuculete-a cheeps...
[Chef picks up the Cookie Monster(tm) and tries to force it into the blender. Cookie Monster(tm) looks pleadingly at Chef.]
Chef: Eh, seelly me-a. Ve-a moost furst chup zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm) intu cheeps...
[Cookie Monster's eyes go wide in horror. Chef raises the cleaver. The violins from Psycho play. Chef swings the cleaver, misses and loses his grip. The cleaver flies through the still-open door. A scream is heard.]
Ernie : [outside] No... Bert... Whyyyyyyyyy!!!!????
Chef : It luuks leeke-a I veell need zee help ooff my glemuooruoos esseestunt egeeen. Cume-a here-a, glemuooruoos esseestunt!
[Miss Piggy storms in.]
Miss Piggy : I've told you before, buster! Hiiiiiii-yah!
[Miss Piggy launches a flying kick at Chef. Chef ducks and Miss Piggy hits the Cookie Monster(tm). The Cookie Monster(tm) is knocked down behind the table, out of sight. Miss Piggy's flying kick carries her through the door on the other side of the kitchen.]
Chef : Thunk yuoo, glemuooruoos esseestunt!
[Chef ducks behind the table with the dustpan and brush, bringing up piles of blue fluff and putting it all in the blender.]
Chef : Noo thet ve-a hefe-a zee chuclete-a cheeps und zee Cuukeee-a Munster(tm) cheeps in zee blender, ve-a toorn zee blender oon. Bork bork bork!
[Chef hits the switch. Blue fluff and chocolate chips fly everywhere.]
Chef : Off cuoorse-a, ve-a moost remember tu poot zee leed oon zee blender...
[Chef scoops the blue fluff and chocolate chips back into the blender with the dustpan and brush, puts the lid on and hits the switch. A horrible grinding sound is heard.]
Chef : Noo, ve-a poot zee chuculete-a cheep und Cuukeee-a Munster(tm) cheep meextoore-a in zee oofee...
[Chef pours the mixture from the blender into the oven and shuts the door. The oven explodes, filling the kitchen with black smoke and burning blue fluff.]
Chef : [Covered in soot] Und zeere-a ve-a hefe-a perffect Chuculete-a Cheep Cuukeee-a Munster(tm)! Bork bork bork!
[Chef bows. Kermit bursts through the door, looking slightly singed.]
Kermit : Uh, Chef, we've managed to find that Big Bird you wanted for your next recipe...
[Fade to black.]
This recipe brought to you by WWWF Grudge Match(tm). No Muppets were harmed during the making of this recipe, but the population of Sesame Street was decimated.
- Duc de Nevers
One thing you guys forgot to mention: Oscar's garbage can is essentially BODY ARMOR. 'Nuff said.
Y'know screw all this talk about home-field advantge (TM) and the hideous insanity of Elmo's Song (TM)....
Screw all this talk about Kermit's cult-like influence over his kool-aid drinking, hand-up-da-ass (TM) followers...
I have One Question:
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO SKEETER?!!
Y'all know Skeeter, right? She was Scooter's ambiguously lesbian twin-sister from the Muppet Babies? What ever happened to her?! She's the only character that didn't grow up to perform on the muppet show...and I think I know why...
Skeeter, an orphaned, 5-year-old, creature (which can only be described as a cross between a mop and a tangerine), whose pre-pubescent adances were repeatedly scorned by the very butch, but oddly not lesbian, Ms. Piggy, and who grew up with the deep residing emotional bruises resulting from what had to have been HORRIBLE abuse at the hands of their crazy, tube sock wearin, slave master whom the children called "Nanny," became disillusion and left Kermit's rag tag band of misfits at a young age.
Skeeter took to wearin' a lot plaid and got a job at Mr. Hooper's store as a carpet cleaner (bud-dump-bump!) on, you guessed it, Seseme Street. It wasn't long before she saved up enough money to get that sex change she's always wanted...That's right my Grudge Match faithful... Skeeter, Scooter's long lost ambiguously lesbian twin-sister from the Muppet Babies is no other than...
Is it that hard to believe? LOOK AT THEM!! They're identical!! Obviously, carpet cleaning (snicker) can't get you the best of the best when it comes to stapling on a bannana and dingle-berries, cause Ernie is a dead ringer for our long-missing lass....
Before the fight even begins Scooter will recognize his "sister" and the two will embrace. Of course, Bert, who's obviously gay, and who thinks Ernie is gay as well, will become distraught thinkin' Scooter is the REAL reason Ernie can never get to sleep at night. Bert will leave depressed, to drown himself in oatmeal and get a little pigeon lovin'...
This will leave the Seseme street crew at a disadvantage cause, as we all know, Bert's the only damn star that show ever had.
Besides have you ever seen what Gonzo can do with a carpet cleaner?
Oh, and just in case you were thinkin' of using it, I've stolen the Iron Fi
- Richard Corey - "We miss your genious Mr. Henson"
This is a landslide, no question about it. The Muppets take this one in a landslide.
First, the Muppets have a tremendous cast of characters on their side. While they have a plethora of characters with their own monikers (Kermit, Miss Piggy, etc etc), don't forget about THE PENGUINS! With a virtual horde of penguin shock troops, the Muppets can wear down the outnumbered SS gang, leaving them defenseless for the main assault.
Second, The Muppets have technology on their side, in the form of Bunson Honeydew and Beaker. With the resident mad scientist team on the side of the Muppets, the SS gang will be completely defenseless to whatever innovations that can create.
Last, but certainly not least, don't forget the fact that the powerful "Muppet Mystique Factor" is named FOR THE MUPPETS (A la Miss Piggy, Alf v. ET)! The Muppets will tap into this power source, and Kermit will prove that it's a lot easier to be green than black and blue.
Oh, come on. The Sesame Streeters can't even count past twenty. What chance do they have?
(To be honest, I don't care what happens as long as Elmo gets destroyed. Annoying little red fuzzball who won't shut up. Mind you, he's a tough little bastard, it doesn't matter how hard you hit his belly, he still laughs in your face and claims that it only tickles.)
the sesame street crew will come out on top, simply because of the cookie monster. that goddamn freak will picture every one of his opponents as a cookie, and devour them. well, no. he'll mash them into his mouth and let them drop to the floor, and he doesn't have a throat.
Growing up, I remember all the, "Sesame Street has been brought to you by....letter, letter, number". They took on some stiff topics back at that time that most shows wouldn't talk about, remember when the actor that played Mr. Hooper died (prolly from a heart attack from that cretin Big Bird mispronouncing his name, though they never had the guts to tackle what the real story behind Gordon and Maria was, nor Bert and Ernie. I think that the controversial subjects have hardened them and lets take a look at their sponsors:
Q - a mechanical genious behind the real James Bond (put that in your straw and suck it, Trebeck!)
Q - megalomaniacal near deity from Star Trek (ok, ST:TNG sucks, but John De Lancie really made him a fun character)
B - this can only mean Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls, she just looks evil...makes my skin crawl
D - can this be Dee Snyder from Twisted Sister?
G - obviously a reference to the "G man", G. Gordon Liddy.
H - common reference to the son of God (though, not a complementary one)
J - Jay from Jay and Silent Bob
M - the first part of the name of rapper Eminim
O - a reference to almost anyone in Ireland
P - another rap reference P-Daddy
R - refers to pirates
X - Antonio Banderas (Agent Ecks)...anyone that can bang Salma Heyek, that's one bad mofo
Now, that's not mentioning all the numbers in an obvious homage to The Fugitive.
Considering all this, I think the muppets are going to suffer a series of accidental car bombings, divine retribution, musical and political evisceration, special weapons, and sucky plot lines. Sesame Street takes it...
Setting up a fight between all of the muppets from Jim Henson: 5,000,000 dollars
Felt, thread, and other items needed to "heal" all combatants: 1,453,239.49 dollars
Seeing the Fish Guy and Gonzo from the Muppet Show beat the living fluff out of the Sesame Street crew: Priceless.
There are some things you can buy with money. The rest, leave to Grudge Match.
- Cardinal DWoods
THE MUPPETS have Kermit The Frog who for the Queens Jubilee bash had the guts to sit on Ozzy Osbournes shoulder!! That guy bites the heads of bats and birds!!
The next Sesame Street film will not be Elmo looking for his blanket it will be Bert and Ernie trying to find and put Elmo back together again!! Once they have finished eating Big Bird sandwiches of course.
- Good Old Brit, Part Time Muppet
It's the Muppet show all the way.
FIrst off the Muppet show has one thing that Sesame Street completly lacks, long range fire power! Between Lew Zeland and his amazing boomerang fish and the Sweedish Chef and his trusty blundebuss.
Crazy Harry will be running around setting of bundles of Dynamite laughing maniacly as usual. Miss Piggy wil be choping and kicking like crazy and Sweetums will probably end up eating several of the smaller muppets. Who knows what Bunsen Honeydew will come up with but we know 2 things. 1: It will explode. 2: no matter what happens beaker will survive the explosion. Now all Bunsen has to do is convince Beaker to take the contraption over near the Sesame Street gang (he has a PhD you know.)
And who will sesame street counter with. Big Bird? Once Gonzo notices Big Bird he'll jump on him-her (never could really tell) and begin to croon sweet nothings into big birds ear. Either way Gonzo's crooning will frighten the G-rated yellow featherduster causing Big Bird to take of screaming.
Snuffelupagus (sp?) please that hairy elephant (mastadon?) moves at 1 mile per hour with a tailwind the only reason he was never known to the rest of the characters is that they were all putzes who couldn't move faster than about 2 miles per hour when Big Bird told them he was around.
The Count and the Cookie monster will be easily defeated by the Sweedish Chef. As soon as the word cookie is spoken alound the Cookie Monster will go into a Cookie frenzy atempting to eat any cookies he sees. The chef will respond by flinging recently cooked cookies through the air at Cookie Monster. The Count will be mezmorized by the flying snacks and begin counting them, completly forgetting his surrondings. As Cookie Monster leaps into the air to snag his first cookie he discovers something, these were cooked by the Sweedish Chef. Something must go wrong in every dish the Sweedish Chef makes, given that these look entirly like cookies that means that something else is wrong with them. Thats right they are now offically Cookies of Deathtm which look like regular cookies but have the resiliancy and toughness of concrete.
Elmo will attempt to sing some sweet and cheesy song which will be drowned out the the loud funk of Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem band.
Well, i looked at this match for a long time, and couldn't think of any reason why one group was better than the other, my inspiration didn't come until one day in Second Period Chemistry, when our teacher (who reminds me of Milton from Office Space) was rambling on about Carbon atoms and Electron Negativity, and his missing stapler (a friend of mine took it, we couldn't resist). But anyway, he's talking, and i started to think (which i'm told i shouldn't do, but i'm a man of action)... and this is what i came up with.
The Muppet Show: Makes me think of this really dirty joke i heard (What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog). Anyway, that reminds me of horrible, horrible jokes, which reminds me of Gallagher, which reminds me of watermelon, which reminds me of fruit salad, which reminds me of Caesar Salad, which reminds me of Italians which reminds of that show The Sopranos on HBO. So obviously, the Muppets have MAFIA CONNECTIONS.
On the Other hand:
Sesame Street: Big Bird reminds me of a Feather Duster, which makes me think about how i haven't cleaned my room, which makes me think about hamsters (cuz apparently that's what it smells like) which reminds me of Richard Gere (don't ask), which makes me think about Pretty Woman, which makes me think about terrible, terrible songs, which makes me think about "Been through the desert on a horse with no name", which makes me think about the Desert, which makes me think about The Mummy, whith Brendan Frasier, which then leads me to think about his movie Bedazzled, with Elizabeth Hurley (so hot, want to touch the hiney), in which she plays SATAN.
So while the Muppet Show may have it's finger on the pulse of America's seedy underbelly, Sesame Street has the "black phone" connection with Lucifer himself, a clear mismatch in favor of Big Bird and company.
Oh, and i'm seeing my Psychiatrist on Wednesday... I'll tell him you all said hi
- Ryan Neilan
The SS and Germany conquer most of Europe, and they're LOSERS? Please. What inspired the phrase, "There is no shame in losing one-on- one against Germany(unless you're France)"?
That aside, this is the classic private-enterprise-vs.-government- program contest. As described in the Swedish Chef vs. Chef McElroy match, private-enterprise usually wins. The Sesame Street bunch may have more weight to throw around if you include Oscar's elephants and whale, but most lack the cutthroat mentality found in a vaudeville venue. Those two aliens presumably have access to advanced and potentially deadly technology, and I admit they used to scare me, but that was when I was about six, and they have never attacked anyone but Ernie (who deserves it). The Count is undead and well-financed, having a $1-million savings account, but he never uses it for evil purposes except to demand the bank teller to withdraw his money one dollar at a time so he can count it (and then re-deposit it). That's not evil, even if you're stuck in line behind him, it's just annoying. SuperGrover has powerful abilities but is stymied by a switched-off computer. Even the perpetually-ticked Oscar rarely lashes out physically, he just gripes; all talk, no action. The basis of Sesame Street venues the world over is about warm-fuzzy concepts like getting along with other people. They don't even make hard sells with real commercials, they just rely on public subsidies and beg viewers' parents for money. It's always degrading to ask a 5-year-old friend's mom for a handout.
The numerically-superior Muppets, on the other hand, operate on the vaudeville circuit where a reputation for quality will carry you for about two months before you had better start proving and re-proving yourself. ("Sesame Street Live" is supported by the TV program and thus does not count.) The continuing theme for the Muppet show is of all these outrageously different people who are so ripe for infighting that they would make Yugoslavia look like the Mormon Church if not for Kermit's constant mediation. And, remember, the most effective way to unite feuding factions is to provide an external enemy! That New Zealand boomerang-fish guy alone would cut swathes through the peace-loving Muppets.
- Matt Bricker
The Muppets are going to lose this one bigtime, and not just because no one seems to know how to get to Sesame Street. That won't be an issue, because the Sesame Street gang is going to bring the fight to them, and then C will be for "Caaaaaaa! My eye!"
Machievelli himself pointed out that, "Without doubt, bold but undisciplined men are more weak than the timid but disciplined ones." Sesame Street is a highly-regimented cult. They hook children almost at birth and begin indoctrinating their communist philosophy of "co-operation." They have branches in dozens of countries, and a sophisticated fund-raising system involving tote bags. Lord knows how many stinger missiles they've bought thanks to viewers like you. The Muppets, by contrast, can barely put on a musical number without the stage exploding. Think they can launch an amphibious assault on Manhattan?
The real question is not whether the Sesame Street crew can take the Muppets but whether any force on Earth could stop them if they ever chose to put all this fearsome machinery into action and turn our world into Elmo's World for real. Imagine a multicultural horde of toddlers, parents, and nostalgic-ironic college students storming through the capital cities of all the nations of the world, screaming, "This is my letter F. There are many others like it, but this is mine."
I know a lot of you are going to argue that Sesame Street has nothing to match the ninjitsu of Miss Piggy, the bloodlust of Animal, or the chemical and biological weapons program of Bunsen and Beaker. But growing up on the mean streets of New York changes a puppet. Ever notice how Sesame Street seems to be the safest, cleanest neighborhood in the City? Is this because it is an idealized TV world? Or is it because any Crip who tries tagging Big Bird's nest gets a cute little song about the difference between alive and being very dead? Make no mistake about it, these puppets spilt stuffing for every inch of turf; Daniel Day-Lewis ain't got nothing on Telly.
Big Bird was only five when he poured out his first 40 of milk for his dead homey Mr. Hooper. Bert and Ernie share a one-bedroom apartment that's probably half the size of Miss Piggy's dressing room. Cookie Monster is an addict who would probably kill you for the Thin Mints in your purse. The Count is either a vampire, Prussian nobility, or some sort of goth -- in any case he lives in a room full of bats, which is pretty hardcore even by Gonzo standards. For crying out loud, Oscar lives in a garbage can! I once tried to take a pair of shoes from a guy living in a garbage can, and it didn't end well. I doubt Fozzie could do better.
The Muppet Show crew, on the other hand, are soft Hollywood types. They probably don't even pump their own gas. They have only one hope: Kermit. With such a charismatic leader, they may yet beat the odds and win their own personal Agincourt. But although the frog has known the gang since they were babies in the animated nursery, he also knows how to read Variety. Their last outing, "Muppets From Space," grossed a paltry sixteen million. "Muppets Tonight" collapsed like one of the Swedish Chef's soufflés after only twenty-two episodes. And just last week, a former executive of the German company that owns the franchise was convicted of issuing false sales figures. Meanwhile, Sesame Street has won seventy-nine Emmys. It'll be running long after Blue's Clues has gone the way of Old Yeller.
It won't be easy, but Kermit will see the way the wind is blowing and tell the Muppet Show gang he has a higher calling -- his career in journalism. "A Muppet Civil War is the story of the century," he'll tell a crestfallen Sam the Eagle, "and after thirty years of being a field corespondent you don't think I'm going to let Geraldo scoop me? Yeesh!" The frog will embed himself with Grover's light infantry division, and though he'll publically proclaim his neutrality, his live feeds to CNN will tell only one side of the sordid story. With Kermit on top of the media war, slo-mo footage of Animal swallowing Elmo's goldfish will saturate the nation. We'll all be phoning in twenty dollar pledges until long after the last grainy night vision shots of flames engulfing Statler and Waldorf's box.
It's not easy being yellow, but getting turned into frog-chip cookies is a hell of a lot more painful. Cookie Monster loves the smell of cookies in the morning. Smells like... victory! And that's good enough for him.
- - Matthew Belinkie
P.S. You criticize Swedish Chef for being regularly defeated by food. What do you call Captain Vegetable?
- king rex the first
Remember the Muppets episode where those two 'yep-yep-yep' aliens ran head long into each other and turned into about 100 more aliens? Well take that, Mr. Hooper. Let's see how you fight when you're ass deep in those things!
How exactly is it possible for you, Paul, to do an entire commentary on why Sesame Street would win in an all-out brawl with the Muppets, without even mentioning the single most explosive force on the Sesame Street's side?
I am, of course, referring to Super Grover, out furry blue friend with the indestructible helmet on his head and the ability to leap tall buildings at a single bound. And not only can Super Grover perform incredible feats of strength and intelligence (that whole "Near, Far" poem was subtle, yet brilliant), but since Grover is voiced by Frank Oz, and he can't do two puppets at once, Fozzy Bear and Miss Piggy (also voiced by Mr. Oz), will be put out of commission, putting the Muppets at a huge disadvantage.
Sesame Street wins. Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep uhhhhhh-huh uhhhhhh-huh.
Why must we fight? We should solve our differences in a non-violent manner. That is a lesson I learned from Elmo. When all else fails, however, we should break things. That is a lesson I learned from Animal.
- sPeciAL eD
Next Match: Jury-rigged.
Next Match: Jury-rigged.
© 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC