April 9, 2001
I may have finally found the cure for the curse of the Hulk.

In a local coastal town, I have discovered a woman with a most unique physiology. Because of an unusual metabolism, her height to body weight ratio is unprecedented. If I can discover her secret, I may be able to use it to pacify my green curse.

However, the subject has been less than cooperative. Olive Oyl swoons at the sight of a needle so she will not provide a blood sample. Attempts at a more stealthy approach have been thwarted by open manhole covers and falling flower pots. But I must have her secret. Today, I will have it, one way or the other.

Later that day...

Popeye approaches Olive Oyl's house. "Won't Olive be surprised? She's goinsk ' to love these pearls. Well, she better considen' the g'ant oystor I had to beat up for 'em. Well, blows me down! The door's open. Let me let myself in, a guh-guh-guh."

Popeye enters the house to discover a groggy Olive Oyl sitting in a chair. A geeky fellow is preparing a syringe.

"HEY! What'd you do to Olive, you Palooka?! Git away from her!"

"Now wait just a minute. My name is Dr. David Banner ^‡ and she's not in any danger--"

"Of course she ain't 'cause I'ms about to rough ya up." Popeye rolls up his sleeves.

"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"O yeah!" Popeye slugs Dr. Banner across the room. In his pain, Dr. Banner transforms into the Incredible Hulk.

"Whoa! Where's me spinach?"

So which excitable expanding ass-kicker will be the example of excellence?

STEVE: Popeye may be briefly taken off guard by the sudden appearance of a green bodybuilder in Olive's living room, but he will quickly mop the floor with The Hulk.

The first obvious reason is, of course, speed. Except when he is running away from the mayhem he has created, the Hulk always moves in slow motion. Popeye, on the other hand, moves with effortless speed. He could take the Hulk and form him into a ball, bounce him a few times, and then punch him into a nearby water barrel before the Hulk even knew what was going on, all the while mumbling to himself various undoubtedly witty thoughts under his breath.

Another reason is intelligence. Sure, Popeye may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but compared to the Hulk/Banner, he is a virtual genius. Let's look at Dr. Banner: This so-called "Doctor", who is supposedly smart enough to understand radiation effects on human biochemistry, is too stupid even to close the door on his homemade microwave oven. And then, when he transforms into the Hulk, he has even less intelligence and common sense. Case in point: Even a deaf professional bodybuilder is able to act as the Hulk, which isn't saying much. Hulk won't comprehend what's going on (as usual), and will become easy prey for Popeye.

All I gotta say is that this particular green giant better go back to selling vegetables.

PAUL: The Hulk is TOO SLOW to fight Popeye? While slow motion is a lame gimmick from the seventies (which you didn't object to in Robocop v. Six Million Dollar Man), it is hardly a sign of sloth. The Hulk beats the crap out of his opposition so quickly, if it wasn't for the slow-mo the TV show would only be 5 minutes long. We need the time to appreciate hapless goons being flung into the air with half the bones in their body broken, only to break the other half when they impact with the cardboard furnishings. (NOTE TO READER: Please, DO NOT TELL DON KING OR DON'T BLAME ME AT THE NEXT PPV.)

As for intelligence, while "HULK SMASH!" may not be the most complex strategy ever conceived, it sure is effective. He's gone toe-to-toe with Superman, defeated the Thing and once even knocked Wolverine UNCONSCIOUS! Meanwhile, Popeye's main opposition is Bluto, a fat slob who regularly pummels the sailorman from pillar to post until the spinach appears.

Considering Popeye's lifestyle, it's no wonder he's a wimp. First, he's a sailor and is most likely riddled with scurvy and all sorts of exotic venereal diseases. Second, he's been smoking that pipe for over half a century. I doubt he can jog more than a hundred yards without spitting up a green and red ball of mucus. He only dates Olive Oyl because she is light enough to carry over the mantle and he has Lowered Expectations™. The enlarged forearms say it all.

And do not belittle the power of green. With his connections with the Jolly Green Giant, the Hulk can effectively cut-off the spinach supply to the area, removing any chance Popeye has. If necessary, the "It's Not Easy Being Green Coalition" could be called upon. Kermit the Frog and Oscar the Grouch could block "Sesame Street", thus depriving Popeye of the only entertainment he understands. And Popeye doesn't want to mess with Ralph Nader. Just ask Al Gore.

After Big and Green is done with him, Popeye will, indeed, live in a garbage can.

STEVE: Lifestyle?! Lifestyle?! Believe me, a sailor's lifestyle is far healthier than David Banner's lifestyle: roaming from town to town, eating in seedy greasepits, hitchhiking in the driving rain and bitter cold, carrying his worldly possessions in an unergonomic 70's backpack, and never being able to truly rest from the relentless pursuit of Mr. Magee. It's amazing that Dr. Banner hasn't dropped dead by now, even without Popeye's help.

I agree that "Hulk Smash" has moments where it is effective (i.e. intimidating the cops in a backwater town, or overturning a wrecked car), but certainly not in this case. Popeye is a sailor. He has the best hand-to-hand training that the U.S. Navy has to offer. And he has honed his skills in fight after fight, and defeated Bluto time and time again. Let's face it-- the Hulk is nothing more than a green Bluto, except a little stronger and a lot slower and a lot stupider. Just like a skinny Bruce Lee can defeat, say, a big sumo wrestler, so will Popeye defeat the Hulk.

Finally, there is the magic of the Popeye name that holds much mystical power. Did you know that Popeye's Chicken, now the 2nd largest chicken chain in the world, nearly went out of business before they changed their name from "Chicken on the Run" to "Popeye's"? Again, if we look at Popeye's name, it actually reads "Pope yes". Indeed, Popeye harnesses the power of the Pope (who is by definition infallible), and the might of JC and the Catholic church. Obviously God is on his side, not the Hulk's. With such forces working for him, how can he possibly lose?

PAUL: Popeye can sell fried chicken? Does he sell buttermilk biscuits too? While Colonel Sanders may be somewhat concerned, I fail to see how this skill will be helpful when the Hulk is jumping up and down on Popeye's head. The only advantage I can see is that a lifetime of fast food could cause a massive coronary, thus putting the sailor out of his misery.

Considering the U.S. Army has committed significant military resources to defeating the Hulk and has produced mediocre results, how can one Navy man expect to defeat him? Of course, Popeye is in the Navy, not the Army. Yes, he is a proud member of the same branch that has also accepted such great fighters as Donald Duck, Don Knotts and Tom Arnold. Need I mention who sings the unofficial Navy theme song "In the Navy"? The Village People! This is hardly encouraging when going up against the living embodiment of Masculine Rage.

And, finally, the Hulk embodies the spirit of the WWWF. The Hulk doesn't do commercials or sing little ditties or romance Kate Moss wannabes. HULK SMASH! Repeatedly. How can one argue with that? You can? Then let me elaborate. How can one argue with that and still have the working arms to vote in a Grudge Match™? Hmm?

Vote for the Hulk or learn to use the mouse with your nose.

^‡ Yes, we mean Dr. David Banner, since the primary reference is to the live action TV series. However other Hulk incarnations are fair game, including Dr. Bruce Banner.

The Results

Popeye (2133 - 51.5%)

clobbers

The Incredible Hulk (2005 - 48.5%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIETM

Here you have two of the most sophisticated, cunning, tactical minds in history, squaring off against one another. When two intellectual giants like this square off, not even Gary Kasparov can keep up. I'm imagining the fight will start with the pair of geniuses engaging in some light prefight banter, while simultaneously taking painstaking care to make sure their suggestive undertones address the opponent's weak points. However, I believe the fight may actually come down to a physical confrontation. In that case, we need an equation.

Let X equal the number of cans of spinach in the known universe. Let Y equal the number of times the Hulk can possibly get "angrier" without succumbing to an aneurysm. Since the Hulk gets stronger when he gets angrier (designated [Z_i ^r = Z_f]) and Popeye's spinach ability allows him to attain a level above his opponents strength ([Z_i+1 = Z_f],) the only way one of these combatants is going to lose is if the source of their power gives out. Thus if X is greater than Y, Popeye wins. If Y is greater than X, the Hulk wins. This is relatively untenable until one realizes that Olive Oyle is present in the room. Since that is the case, and theorists have speculated that Olive is in fact Female, there will be twice as many X chromosomes in the Room as Y chromosomes. Since X > Y, Popeye wins.

- bandgasm

ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Wait, doest mine ears decieve me?!? Did someone attempt to do a battle of THE RAGE(tm)? This is ALMOST what I wanted, but I'll go ahead and write some verse for it anyhow.

As the hulk reared back his head, And let forth his great yell,
Popeye didst open his spinach can, And downed it with one swill,
The 2 strong men in children's shows, Were ready to square off,
But then, as they exchanged first blows, A professer in the corner coughed.
He said, "As you can see from this diagram, The multiverse hast been breached,
And because of your two meeting, The surrounding place has reached,
A critical mass, as you might say, And it will start to fill,
With heros who are just like you, And will keep on filling until,
One, triumphant, blazes forth, And he defeats you all,
And so, I say, get yer raincoat on, Because the multiverse's about to squall!
And they fought a bit, and then a flash, Of white, and another man,
Who was dressed in leather, and looked much better, Than any old slice of Spam.
Hercules ran in with zeal, and beat upon the two,
When suddenly he was struck from behind, As Conan arrived there new.
And he in turn was struck in the face, By a lightning-speed bare hand,
And with his red cape streaming, In came Superman!
They came and they came, without a stop, Each hero after the next,
When a portal suddenly dumped out a man, And everyone stood vexed.
The figure stood, without a sound, With fire in his eye,
And he reached down and straightened his ring, And he shouted "TIME TO DIE!!!"
His 'fro was huge, his biceps large, And the rest all cowered in fear,
Then the frightning man from A-Team smiled, And belted forth, "C'MERE!!!"
They all did run, and run some more, And the man moved not,
He had no need to kill other heros, They'd all be needed, or whatnot.
So he turned his neck, which cracked, And hit Popeye on the head,
And got the blood sample for Hulk, And this is what he said:
"I know you've got a problem, And so, this is for you,
You've got the goods, now go and scram, Or else, I pity da foo'."
And Popeye awoke with a terrible ache, And was as placid as could be,
The moral of the story? Don't screw around... When you're dealing with MR. T!

- The Mad Josher

ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

POPEYE: So, ya likes takesk'n dames, do ya?

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

POPEYE (as he pulls back for a haymaker): I'm sendins ya back to yer cave ya big ape.

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[POPEYE's fist hits The Hulk's chest with the sound of broken glass. He lifts up his hand and it 's red, throbbing, and twice its size.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[HULK swats POPEYE with his pinky embedding him into the wall. HULK carries OLYVE over his shoulder and outside. She has a death grip on the doorway. Even though her body is moving, her arms keeps stretching longer and longer to hold on to the doorway.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

OLYVE: Help, Popeye! HEEEEELLLLLP!

[Next to the knocked-out POPEYE is a picture on an end table of POPEYE and OLYVE. The picture of POPEYE hears OLYVE screaming. He jumps out of the picture, pulls out POPEYE's can of SPINACH and feeds it to him. Normal "POPEYE eating his spinach" music plays.]

HULK: Rrrrrrr!

[POPEYE wakes up. He comes flying into HULK. HULK winds up to hit POPEYE. Before he hits, POPEYE uppercuts him into the sun. We hear HULK scream, then we see something fall from the sky. What hits the ground is a pyramid of green paint cans, and a sign that says "SALE!"]

POPEYE (singing):The Hulk may be greener, but I am the winner*. I'm Popeye the Sailor Man (toot, toot!)

* Pronounced "weener"

- Muchsarcasm, not the guy that did that cool voicer over for the old Hulk show.

"I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the... AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHGHHHHH!!!" *crunch, splinter, crush, other wet squishy sounds*

Banner:"Well, I'll be damned, that guy popeye sure deserves his name." *pops eyeball into mouth and walks away...

- Zog, the Secret Voice of the Monkey Underground

- Jessie "I'm still pissed off about that one" Calliopa

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

Also, Hulk won't WANT to win! He doesn't want to be the Hulk anymore! When he reverts back he will be able to talk it over with Popeye and find a happy solution (Popeye is an old comic strip, it has to happen). Also, we know real beats fake (both have been comics, cartoons and live-action movies) and Popeye's muscles are real. If Banner was really exposed to that kind of radiation he would be dead. He will die the same reason John Wayne did (although Wayne definitely should have beaten Clint Eastwood!). Popeye has all natural and reliable muscles. Plus, those reatards, Donald Duck and Village People have no actual affiliation with the Navy. The Navy is now using music by Godsmack. Godsmack get's their name from an Alice in Chains song, and Godsmack recently went on a tour with Static X, Cold and Stained. Stained is down with Limp Bizkit, and even if you think they're a bunch of poseurs, they have a lot of connections and power in the music business. Speaking of connections, the Marines (the baddest of the baddest of the baddest) are affiliated with the Navy. All the armed forces help each other out, plus we are often aided by the U.N and NATO, which now have no competition from the Warsaw pact. There is no way the Hulk can withstand all of this. Even if he survived he will eventually have to return to his form as Bruce Banner or at least take a crap. As we saw from Jurassic Park, you are completely defenseless when on the john.

- Noman

"Not untilsk you've had a knucklesk sandwich, a gu gu gu gu!" Popeye yells, fists in the air.

"Hold it, you too!" Olive Oyl jumps inbetween them. "Wouldn't you two feel better after sharing a delicious Hostess Fruit Pie?"

Hulk takes a tenative bite of a Lemon Fruit Pie. "Me like! these are good!"

Popeye concurs, blowing small mushroom clouds out of his pipe after a bite of Cherry. "Yowsa! These real fruit fillings are betta than any fight, a gu gu gu gu!"

"See boys, there's no reason to fight, thanks to hostess Fruit Pies!"

"Now in spinach, a gu gu gu gu!"

- Kilgore Trout

For starters, Peter David. A writer who can make Star Trek characters likeable. Yep, he's that good. He now writes Captain Marvel, arguitably one of the funniest Marvel titles out there. He also wrote The Incredible Hulk for about...Let's see...12 years. That stint is rivaled only by Chris Claremont's Uncanny X-Men run. That one lasted 17 years. Who says you outgrow comics?

Now, onto those allies...

Captain Marvel. I'm talking about the modern one. Not the "SHAZAM!" one (What's that guys' name now, anyway? Captain Marvel? Shazam? Captain Shazam?) or the Mar-Vell Kree guy. The modern one is named Genis and is bonded to Rick Jones, the Hulk's ex-sidekick. He can fly faster than the speed of light, shoot energy blasts, and he's got cosmic-level awareness. (No, I don't know what it means either. But it's really spiffy!)

Doc Samson, the only competent modern psychiatrist, made his debut in The Incredible Hulk. He's a cool character: nigh-invulnerable, strong, and can defeat an enemy by making him revert to his/her inner child, then sucker-punching them into next week when they're sobbing about the cruelty of it all. Also, the Hulk is currently part of the Defenders. They've got Namor, the ORIGINAL mutant (Not Professor X, as some may think) and a Prince of Atlantis. Before you stop me with your "Aquaman couldn't even beat Tarzan!" argument, think about this: Namor has Attitude™. He's got so much of it he needs a capital 'a' and a TM! Plus, Kevin Smith'll direct him. No way Kevin Smith loses.

Doctor Strange. He's a magician, the best one in the entire Marvel Universe™. Drawn by Steve Ditko, both guys have worked with Spider-Man and Stan Lee. Spider-Man. Stan Lee. What more do you need? (If I can ignore Tarzan/Aquaman, I'll ignore Spider-man/Tick!)

The Silver Surfer. Only one adjective for this guy: "Spiffy™." Does the phrase 'Power Cosmic' mean anything to you? No? Let's see you rebuttal when you don't have a continent or you're a sponge. This guy's totally indestructible, can fly at Warp Factor 10 (You KNOW that's fast), and he's got the best soliloquies since Hamlet.

Now, to be fair, I'll say that Popeye has gotten some. In Tijuana Bibles. If Ms. Oyl doesn't do the Hulk's work for him and beats up her husband over cheating on her, modern porn collectors and workers will. Don't get me started on spinach. The Hulks' cousin, The Jolly Green Giant™, will nail Popeye for promoting spinach without a license if Popeye so much as reaches for the can opener.

There you have it. If THIS isn't Grudgie™ Material, I don't know what is.

- Rainwoman

- The Kobold Overlord

Popeye the Sailor Man has statues for him. Real statues. Don't believe me. HAH go to Chester Illinois, Crystal City Texas or Lowell Arkansas!

Popeye has toys from long ago(way before I was born...) that value in the thousands.

Popeye has his own brand of Spinich(Which might I add does nothing for the muscles and in fact tastes like all other types of Spinich.)

Popeye has his own brand of vitamins, minerals and other 'healthy' substances(known to the rest of the world as...suger pills)

Popeye has is own stamp!! HIS OWN STAMP...SERIOUSLY, that ranks up their with the President(ok, so that's not the best example...the president isn't the best). That ranks up there with...Large Amounts of money that you got legally.

Now to Hulk...

He has...absoluty nothing in the way of statues or buildings.

The Hulk has toys from about a year ago, all that break apon touch...Not good at all. Little children could hurt themselves with those...what am I saying, who would play with those annoying Hulk toys!

The Hulk, although he is a green giant he is not in any way shape or form related to the Green Giant(tm). No food for him...

The Hulk has no items that could be considered 'good'.

In short, the Hulk really has nothing good made for him or anything like that, but I voted for him. Because....HE COULD BEAT THAT PUNY WEAKLINGS BRAINS IN! With one hit Popeye is gone, and The Hulk stomps on the dead body, once again saving the world from an evil, sadistic menace!

- Steven, Clinically Insane

- cygnia

- le schmuck

- The Invincible Meltron

- Spoo Monkey

- King Chuckles III

On the other hand...the people who've whupped Popeye's ass are...NO ONE!!! When have you ever seen a Popeye cartoon end with Popeye walking off into the sunset licking his battle wounds and contemplating his bitter loss to Bluto and his anger to slow piano music. Freakin never thats when. Popeye NEVER, I repeat NEVER loses...yeah sure he may take a whuppin for 20 or so minutes...but no matter how bad it gets...theres always some spinach around..ready and wating to turn Popeye from scrawny little white guy to a geeked out muscle bound steroid charged freak! Plus in Popeye the continuity is zilch...no matter what happens in an episode...its all forgotten by the next one...so Popeye wont be bring any baggage into this fight, unlike David(Bruce) Banner, who'll be worrying about everything from how this weeks sidekick is going to die in an unfortunate accident to whether he left the oven on in the house he slept in 4 towns back.

Bottom line: Popeye may take a bit of a beating, but eventually hes going to get knocked into a food pantry or the like, and then Popeye is going to literally open up a Del Monte can of ass whuppin on the lemon lime freak, suck it down his pipe, and preach the gospel of Popeye 3:16 to the Hulk's candy ass...Cause Hes Popeye the Sailor Man! Toot Toot!

- Providing a valuable service...ridding the world of sucky ass heroes...

Common Enemy
============
Within the Popeye universe, there is only one bad-guy, in the form of Brutus. The classic Brutus MO is to steal Olive in the chaos and spirit her away until taken out by Popeye. In such circumstances, the good-guys always join forces to save the day and end up on agreeable, or at least neutral terms in the end. This is very un-grudgematch and thus need not be considered here.

Good Party
==========
There are a number of "good-party" alternatives, either Olive interrupting or some other Popeye-universe character wandering through the melee. In all cases, Popeye will react to save his friend or girlfriend while the Hulk, being too dense to recognize an innocent in the heat of combat, will continue to pummell the sailor. While Popeye might be able to give the Hulk a run for his money in a one on one fight, he cannot protect the innocent and fight at the same time. The Hulk, however, has shown time and time again that he cares little for bystanders until after reverting back to Banner, who is constantly left to clean up the damage. Thus, following the historical patterns, Popeye cannot win.

- Tirdun

I like this one. I just envision it spoken in a British Historian's accent. - Ed.

Unless he's planning to tickle the Hulk to death, Popeye doesn't have a chance.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

Hell, the coolest thing the Hulk ever did was trash a courtroom in "Trial of the Incredible Hulk," and that was just a dream sequence. Lame.

In the end it comes down to this. Popeye has beaten the odds time and time again without fail for over half a century. All David Banner ever managed to dp was wander around the country for fifteen years getting nothing done before finally capping it all off by dying a stupid death.

- Don "King" Milliken

- Hurricane Andrew

Olive: Popeye! What a pleasant surprise! Oh... my, what a mess!

Popeye: Don' worry, Olive! I'll have Benny the Jeep clean it later. But lookit these poils what I found fer ya!

Olive: OH how beautiful! And true to cartoon fashion, I just happen to have a pie made for you!

Popeye: Er, I'll eat later Olive, I'm stuffed at the moment... (Cue "here we go again" music and iris out... go to "The End" screen)

- The Amazing Servo-Crowation Man!!!

- Captain Insano

- Claymore

Yes, envy. 'Cause when we think about it, what does Banner / Hulk have? Zip. Squat. Zilch. He has no home, has to take odd jobs to feed himself, and is forced to steal fresh sets of clothes from clotheslines.

What does Popeye have? A job. A home. Stability. Nookie. Popeye is John Q. Public--and the Hulk is the hungry outsider.

Put your average panhandler against some briefcase toter of similar build and strength, then tell me who wanted it more.

In short: Hulk. Because Popeye's a bourgeois pig.

- Diego

- The Bunyip

- Pareeha, believer in cartoon couples with perspective to their forms.

- Corrosion

The whole navy argument of popeye and his navy credentials never washed with me. The simple reason is that the guy has a serious squint and I now people who have failed to get into the navy for less serious conditions (although I am talking about the British navy and not some pretend, technology driven, who are our allies, armed force). We also now that any neddle dick yuppie city boy can buy himself a power boat, steam around the marina a bit and call himself a sailor and behave badly in the club bar.

Second reason I voted for the Hulkster is that between the ages of four and six I would take my dinner and eat in the garden the moment the Hulk came on TV (even if it was raining). All Popeye managed was to convince me to try spinach (and it has not passed my lips since). What I am basicly saying is that the Popeye cannot command the respect of my inner child (where as The Hulk would invade my dreams of jungle exploration and always ruin the moment when I was going to get lucky with Jane when Tarzan was away).

In the end Nuclear Rage (tm) obliterates iron rich, full of goodness Fake Arse Hard Man(tm).

- Fun For All

The "Incredible" Hulk was portrayed in most TV incarnations by Lou Ferrigno. Whoo-boy, where to begin? First, this fellow once played pro football for Canada. ‘Nuff said. His film career also includes a spot as Sinbad the Sailor (make note of that), and two as Hercules, the second having a rather French-sounding title. Strike two.

(Also worth mentioning: Ferrigno had a guest spot on both Night Court and Mister Rogers’, two past Grudge Match losers [Well, Bull was on the Coneheads’ bowling team]).

On the other stubby-fingered hand, Popeye is an American Institution™, plain and simple. In his 300 or so cartoons since the 1930’s, the ol’ seaman with the chin bigger than most folks’ noggins has ran for president, been in outer space, and costarred with Betty Boop (another American Institution™), who, by the way, was often voiced by the same chick who did Olive Oyl, suggesting the two may be the same person, or at least related; if so, and Popeye is getting Double Duty™, maybe it gives you some idea as to how he got his name. He also encountered both Sinbad the Sailor and Hercules, and kicked both their asses. Strike three for Big’n’Green.

And as if I needed any more reasons for the Pipe-Smokin’ Sailor’s superiority, here’s the clincher: In a live-action feature-film, Popeye (sorry, out of colourful euphemisms™) was played by none other than comedic genius™ and past WWWF GM champion, Robin Williams.

I’d go on, but I can hear the Iron Fist™ tapping its fingers already…

- MonkeyDog, hoping to get the award for "Most links in a single response."

- Mike Leung

Popeye: Needs Greens to get strength.

What we have here is a Catch-22 sitsuation, which can only result in the destruction of the universe, or both of them just dropping the fight and going to go get bagels.

- Peanuts"In my satin tights, fighting for our rights"Pat

The most *devious* part is the CHURCH'S CHICKEN link. Clearly, there is a jihad afoot between the southern baptists and the catholic church. The catholics may be winning at the moment, but who knows? Church's has the ominous "kick the bucket" slogan, which strongly indicates ties to the Mafia, as well as the FBI. (Redundant, I know.)

Popeye and the Hulk will never even get the chance to fight before the Church's Chicken Mafiosos swoop in to kidnap Olive Oyl - which we all know is the key ingredient to exceptional fried chicken.

- Guildenstern

- Mr. Potato Head

D.Banner "n. .n. .now see-see here Mr. Eye, I don't want any trouble. ."

Popeye "Iz dis da guy you been knockin' booties wid Olive? Say it aint so you filthy bed rag! Who the hell is Swee' Pea's father if it aint me Olive?!?! I know it aint Bluto cuz he's datin Wimpy on a semi- regular basis! Pappy tells me it's this bilge rat who blew into town with the cheasy ripped clothes and his poofy hair-do out of the 70's!"

Olive Oyl "Oh Popeye, please, please don't jump to conclusions. The stork brought Swee' Pea, I told you that before."

Popeye "Garsh Olives, I never took ya to be a lying, low down, dockside tramp like yez turned out ta be!"

D. Banner "HEY! Grrr...Grrk. You. . . [face contorts in pain, anger, and suprise, you. . . shouldn't talk to her like that. . . [eyes get take on a glazed greenish tint] making me. . .. ANGRY!!!!"

Olive Oyl "Oh Popeye you foul mouthed spinich muncher, if you weren't so bad in the hammock I wouldn't have had to looked to other men for sexual satisfaction. . ."

At this point Popeye's head turns a bright red and pressurized steam explodes from the end of his pipe. Unbeknownst to him Dr. Banner has fallen behind a couch, rubbed himself with a large green marker, torn his cheaply made Toughskins(TM) and shoved balled up gym socks into key locations of his outfit. Leaping up Banner AKA The Hulk gibbers in high pitched rage and hurls himself at the cukolded sailor.

The two men engage in hand to hand combat. The Hulk, an accomplished brawler cannot get his hands on the slippery sailor who bobs,weave, and delivers lightning quick combinations to the Green brute's chin. Growing more enraged by the moment the Hulk quickly loses control of the situation, unable to counter the constant pummeling with his own clumsy blows. Popeye, seeing he has the upperhand begins showing off in typical sailor style. Dodging punches, dancing around his opponent, closing his eyes mid-fight. So engrossed the taunting he does not notice Olive has placed on of her giant feet behind him, setting him up to trip over it. The Hulk, wiping the blood out of his eyes, comprehends the one opportunity to gain the upper hand and shoves the unwitting Popeye ass over teakettle onto his back.

Realizing the fight is turning aginst him, Popeye lunges into his underwear and pulls out a can of spinach (hey it helps to impress the ladies!) with a vise like grip he squashes the can open and takes a huge mouthful of green slimey mass. Olive seizing the moment, stomps down over the sailors throat with her foot, trapping the energy giving vegetable matter somwhere between his bulbous head and his nubby adam's apple. The Hulk (in slow mo) jumps up into the air, green hair scraping the cieling and then descends (in equally slow- mo) and plants both feet on Popeye's narrow chest. The resulting force is enough to pop the sailor's head off of his pipe cleaner neck and send it spinning(pipe still clenched in his teeth) out through an open window and into the chum filled water beneath the docks.

Popeye "GOIIIIOIII!"

Hulk [growls] "Skinny lady help me smash puny one-eye!"

Olive "Oh Hulky all that green skin is getting me hot! And the policy I took out on Poopeye will get us out of this Godforsaken hellhole!"

The two exchange knowing glances and run towards eachother with open arms. . .

Pappy watched through his spyglass with chagrin as his son's head landed in the ocean that had supported thier family for time imemorial, and slowly sunk from view in a froth of bubbles. The old bosun shook his head in regret and controlled anger, then touched his lit pipe to the braided fuses of the 26 cannons on the starboard side of his ship o' the line. The resulting salvo ripped the little sea shanty to smithereens, obliterating Hulk/Banner and Ms. Oyl, spreading their grapeshot torn bits to the trade winds and avenging the death of his betrayed son.

Winner: (Posthumously) Popeye

- Webby

Displays of Strength.
Popeye: Seen stopping tornadoes and punching holes in battleships
Hulk: Seen holding up entire mountains, and hurlinging battleships across the sea.

Points Hulk: +1 Popeye: 0

Allies:
Popeye: Wimpy, a guy with no money who likes hamburgers, a small child, and the strangely anorexic aforementioned Olyve Oyl. (+1)
Hulk: A god of thunder, the richest man in the world, and the rest of the Avengers, and the old defenders, including the master of sorcery, as well as the Fantastic Four.

Sorry, this is worth an extra point for the overmatch. (+2)

Hulk 3 Popeye 0

Portayed by:
Hulk: Lou Ferigno. Bad actor, good weightlifter, deaf. Played in a bad rendition of hercules, and countless other bad renditions. +1 for the pure physical factor. (+1)
Dr Banner: Bill Bixby Otherwise known as Eddies Father, more obscurely known as the failed superhero/detective "The Magician". (-1...yes he's already changed over in the scenario but things do change.)
Popeye: Robin Williams, One of the funnier guys in America, in one of his worst appearances. Played a vietnam DJ, a doctor, Garp, and of course an alien with amazing powers. +1

Hulk 3 Popeye 1

Mediums:
Popeye: mainly a cartoon, though like the hulk he's been in every medium. Cartoons are noted for being immune to harm, and gaining amazing powers at every plot twist. (+1)
Hulk: Mainly a comic book, but apperently here we are dealing a bit more with the TV Show. Comic books are known for characters actually dying occasionally, (even mega star characters like superman) and for being paralyzed or otherwise traumatized. (0)

Popeye 2 Hulk 3

Color
Hulk is green. Green is a power color as has been mentioned. Yoda, Kermit, crocodiles. (+1)
Popeye is human, but eats spinach, a green vegetable. In attemting to take a bit out of the Hulk's arm. This will severely confuse the Hulk, not to mention gaining Popeye some of the effects of ingesting Gamma radiation. We all know even short term exposure creates superheros. Sampson and She-Hulk are both examples. Popeyes already some kind of x-guy mutant freak. The change makes him massively powerful. (+2)

Popeye 4 Hulk 4

Chick factor.
Olyve Oyl: Nuff said (-1)
Hulk has had dozens of girls including his cousin being the only Marvel character to have her own pin up issue (She Hulk) (+1) But she WAS his cousin (-1)

Popeye 3 Hulk 3

TV factor
Popeye is made from pen, ink, and paper.
Hulk is played on TV buy a guy with the intelect of a rock.

Rock beats Paper

+1 for the Hulk

Hulk 4 Popeye 3

Battles previously fought:
The hulk has taken on Superman, Dr Doom, Dr Strange and virtually everyone hero and villian alike in the marvel universe at one time or another. (+1)
Popeye has fought Bluto, Bruno and a couple of other B words. Along with the occasional inanimate object or weather condition.

PUHHHLEASE!!!! (-1)

Hulk 5 Popeye 2

Hulk SMASH! He'll have that annoying slurred speech sailor sucking up his pipe, particularly after half the marvel universe has stormed out to save the day.

- Nez Master

Actually Paper beats Rock except in the WWWF. Clearly, Nez has his priorities straight. - Eds.

Decades ago, everyone thought that spinach was the be all end of of healthy food. Do you know why? Because some idiot accidentally calculated the iron content of spinach to be ten times its actual amount. So if spinach is practically worthless, where does all of Popeye's magical strength come from? It only says spinach on the label, a clever disguise for his anabolic steroids!! Why do you think Popeye's bald! Everyone knows that Popeye shorts end right after he triumphantly beats the villan. But few know that these cartoons were actually revised back in the 70s to cut short right after the victory.

Even fewer have seen the original Popeye cartoons which show the after effects of his euphoric high. Few have seen the shocking scenes of Popeye's increased mood swings and uncontrollable trembling. You see the Fleishers originally mean't for Popeye to be their parable of the dangers of drug abuse. Of course like Aesop's fables, the culprits were cleverly disguised under metaphors and symbolism. The metaphor here being spinach. By editing these original works, corporations today have skewed the message that Popeye was originally mean't to deliver. The image of the pathetic wasted Popeye with his shrunken testicles and paranoid delusions are now lost to the public. It should also be known that Popeye originally beat up on Blutus because of his paranoid jealosy, a common side effect of steroids.

Today such editing persists. An example of this is in the Legend of Drunken Master where the original ending where Jackie Chan was left blind and brain damaged due to the effects of drinking industrial alcohol was cut. Instead we only see Jackie downing the wood cleaning solution and winning triumphantly. Crowd pleasing, yes. But a moral was lost here.

I choose not to vote for Popeye because a vote for Popeye is like encouraging steroid abuse. To that I say no, and I will always say no. The line must be drawn here and now.

- Watcher of the Eternal Light

The match in question between the Hulk and Popeye is simple enough at first glance the HULK WILL SMASH!!! The hulk would walk in and before Popeye could say "I am what I am" he would soon become "I was what I was" even if he is lucky he will not be able to chew Spinach in his mouth because I imagine his teeth will be passed off, and sold as ivory and his pipe smoking days will be numbered.

I voted for POPEYE!!!

Why?? You scream who would be so stupid its a lost cause Popeye will be Pushing up daises, kicking the bucket, 6 foot under, snuffed it, lost the habit of breathing.

The answer is simple I know Popeye's secret weapon.

I will now tell you,

Long, long ago my mother bought a T-shirt; my heart froze.

Popeye was shown in all his glory

Yes he did his version of a Playboy centrefold!!!!

Shock, Horror, Run, Run while you still can!!!

(I was tempted to scan the T-shirt and attach it but apart from any pornographic issues I do not want so many deaths caused by heart attacks on my conscious.)

Basically lets say that those strange shaped muscled forearms extend down to a certain area just below the waist and as any woman will tell you is were you will locate a mans thinking tool.

As I see it all Popeye has to do is the Hulks version of tearing his clothes, since he is not in slow motion he should be finished well before the Hulk has started. True Popeye will have to take everything off but once done the Hulk will freeze in horror as I am sure you are now just reading this, giving Popeye enough time to grab some Spinach and as the T-shirt said "Reach the parts..." and the Hulk will be gone.

It worked for Scotland (Imagine an army of men charging in skirts flapping away with nothing on underneath!!!!) It will work for Popeye.

- Good Old Brit

But I'd really like to know what's in the water where Popeye lives. Take a look at that picture: he's got nipples on his knees and elbows. Jesus Christ, if the Abomination were half this messed up, the Hulk would never have stood a chance.

- Lou the Inscrutible

SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

Crash!

with his mighty battle cry, our blue-clad mountain of mightyness, the Tick, burst through the wall, despite the fact that there was a perfectly good door right next to him.

Popeye: "ug-ug-ug-ug-ug! (mutters an unintelligible and most likely vulgar description of the large blue individual who just destroyed his wall.)"

Tick: "wow. i don't know what you just said, but thank you, mister big forearms man."

Hulk: (acussingly) HULK SMASH!!!

Tick: well, pipe smoking fiend, my good friend here, the Bulk-

Hulk: (correcting) HULK SMASH!

Tick: sorry, the Hulk, has been telling me that you have been committing acts that are not terribly nice. I will ask you nicely to stop, before i commence with the butt kickings that come only from the boot of justice!

Popeye: he was messkin with me olyve oyles!

Tick: is this true?

Hulk: (ashamed) HULK SMASH!

Tick: apology accepted. but still, coolking substances or not, justice and evil don't mix! and since you two don't mix, one of you must be justice ant the other evil! and like the last piece of pie at thanksgiving...

at this point popeye, being the only one with any sort of intelligence, will suffer an anurism. god bless the tick.

- kramertim never really liked thier chicken anyway

STRENGTH:
Hulk: Earth's Mightiest Mortal. Can Leap into orbit. Can crush tanks with bare hands. Can launch other people into orbit with a single punch. Plus see Lifetime Achievements.
Popeye: Can punch a really fat guy across the room.

Advantage: Hulk by a mile

ENDURANCE:
Hulk: Survived several direct blows from the Hammer of Thor without long-lasting ill effects. Shrugs off shoulder-mounted antitank shells. Was barely staggered by a Stinger Missile. Has not yet been tested against a direct hit from a nuclear warhead, but the Vegas odds run about 50/50.
Popeye: With the aid of Spinach, can take a punch from a really fat guy.

Advantage: Hulk by TEN miles

SPEED/AGILITY:
Hulk: Weighs a thousand pounds.
Popeye: Smokes constantly, is severely top-heavy, has malformed limbs

Advantage: Draw

INTELLIGENCE:
Hulk: We will assume, for the sake of basic fairness, that this is not the Smart Hulk. He's pretty dumb.
Popeye: Might be smarter by default, but the only way he could survive this fight with brainpower is to run away, very, very fast.

Advantage: Nobody (not a factor)

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENTS:
Hulk: Punched Superman into orbit. Decimated the entire US Army Third Division with a single INDIRECT blow. Supported a 100 billion ton mountain on his back for the better part of a day. Conquered the entire Planet Earth and ruled as unchallenged despot.
Popeye: Ate spinach. Beat up a really fat guy. Ate Spinach. Married a bulimic, flat-chested whiner. Smoked a pipe. Ate Spinach.

Advantage: Hulk by a Parsec

Finally, and most importantly, THE RAGE(tm)!!!
Hulk: Is the living embodiment of the Rage(tm). Entire power- set based on the Rage(tm). Abusive father, nerdy adolescence, dead mom, dead wife, and if he loses stands to be trapped in his hideous, reviled Hulk-form for the rest of his life, to be rejected and feared by everyone he will ever try to love.
Popeye: Is the living embodiment of a disgusting leafy vegetable. If he loses, stands to lose Olive Oyl.

Advantage: Hulk by the diameter of the observable Universe.

RESULT: Hulk in one second. Hulk uppercuts Popeye through roof. Popeye shoots into orbit, explosively decompresses, the end.

- The Fat Man

- ~DoraMouse (And that pipe Popeyes been smoking for the past century isn't gonna help him either...)

Being Popeye's son and captured by Popeye's foes most of the time, you have to wonder the mental state of this child. I mean, he is constantly exposed to traumatic kidnapping sequences (the movie) and is witness to violence on a daily level from his father. Since children are known to be impressionable at Sweet Pea's age, he takes all of this in. At current progression of mind development, Sweet Pea, ironically, has the potential of a sort of pyschotic killer.

Here's how I see it. As the fight kicks off, Sweet Pea and his mother are present. Multiple fists are exchanged between Popeye and the Hulk. This fight is all that Sweet Pea needs to spawn the killing instinct inside of him. In a gigantic burst of rage, Sweet Pea leaps at the offending Hulk and proceeds to beat the green out of him. Once the Hulk is demolished, Sweet Pea can't control his thirst for blood. He turns to Popeye and attacks. Popeye is reduced to a bloody pulp and Sweet Pea is victorious. His mother didn't really like Popeye and his overbearing ways, so her and Sweet Pea then went into the professional hit men business.

other factors:

1. nobody expects the silent baby
2. he could be hiding weapons under that thing he wears
3. you just know he has to be tough because his name keeps appearing in bold

- THE BIG IMPORTANT BOLD GUY

However, the all-tiem scariest moment (and ask anyone who watched Mr. Rodgers to verify this with me) was when they showed the behind-the- scenes of the Incredible Hulk. We found that the brutish unspeaking green roid case with the Pete Rose haircut was actually just a brutish unspeaking pink roid case with a Pete Rose haircut. What minor consolation it was to us, trembling asleep in our bunk beds growing up, that the Incredible Hulk actually existed but was just spray-painted green?

The fear factor alone gives this one to ol' torn purple trousers.

- Wubbie (you won't like me when I'm angry)

"Hulk smash!"

*smash*

There's nothing more to say really.

- Boba Foot

- rcs

Whoops, just remembered. This isn't the CB Rumbles, where logic and common sense rule. This is the Grudge Match. And the Grudge is measured by two things...

1. Comedy
2. Rabid Fanboys.

I detest fanboys with a passion. I shudder when Jackie Chan won over Bruce Lee because the majority haven't had their proper Lee education. I cringe when Palpatice beat Q because a bunch of rabid Warsies masturbating to Wookie porn couldn't bear to see a SW character lose.

Comedy, however, is all right with me. Let's see how I can use comedy in this one. Well, since many Grudgies use association/backup in their posts, I'll do the same.

Popeye: Well, Olive's out like a light, so she's a nonfactor. Bluto hates Popeye, so he's out. Wimpy is not a fighter. Sweet Pea is just a baby. So it's up to Popeye's nephews, Papeye, Pepeye, Pipeye, and Pupeye, Grandpa Popeye, and the Jeep. Obviously, if they have gotten to their spinach, they can give the Hulk a fight.

Hulk: I'll be merciful and not use any of the comic versions of the Hulk (which included "The Professor", an amalgamation of Banner's intelligence and Hulk's strength), opting for the TV incarnation. Well, in the TV series Banner was a loner, but in the TV movies, he had backup...

Incredible Hulk Returns: In this one, we have Banner enlisting the aid of Thor. That's Thor, God of Thunder! {Insert Kiss Rift Here}

Trial of the Incredible Hulk: Matt Murdock, better known as the Man Without Fear, Daredevil.

So far, it's four kids and two sailors with spinach-power against three comic book heros. But Wait, There's More!!!

Of the writers of Daredevil, two stand out. Frank Miller and Kevin Smith. And since Kevin Smith also has characters of his own...

That "spinach" the Popeye clan was munching? Wasn't spinach. Thanks to Jay and Silent Bob, the Pop's just got a serious case of the munchies. And, with the smoke emmited form Popeye's pipe, the Hulk is now jonsin' with the Sweet Leaf.

"Uh-guh-guh-guh! I's be needing some eats! Let's get to Wimpy's!"

"Hulk Need Hostess Fruit Pies!"

"Yeah, that's too!"

However, the ganja has mellowed the Hulk, allowing him to regress to David Banner. While the Stoned Sailor rushes over to "that chicken place with the cool name", the sober Banner (Hulk got stoned, not David) gets his blood sample.

It's that simple.

- Demonicuss -- Any Warsies after me can please go play "Hide and Go Fuck Yourselves"

Popeye, the environment, and the circle-of-life win!

- Mark Wentz

That's more than enough reason for me to vote for the Incredible Hulk.

- My name is Kenny

- I am Warped-Man!

- MaleKim

KERRRRRASH! The elaborately painted picture window exploded inwards and the resultant showering of glass sent the nearby patrons out and off their seats, their plight only being eclipsed by that of the unfortunate sailor who followed said glass into the room.

From out on the street, all remembered hearing the beastial growl of some unimaginable origin. But voice this self same beast had too, and as it spoke, "HULK WILL SMASH PUNY SAILOR MAN!", those customers who still had their wits ran headlong to the other side of the room. What happened next that day was almost too incredible to believe, but from the collaboration of several eyewitnesses, Sesame Street News is able to present a brief summary of these incredible events.

"eg eg eg eg eg... this fella's incorrigible..."

"COME ON OUT PUNY SAILOR MAN OR DOES HULK HAVE TO COME IN?"

"i needs a little something to perk meself up or ise done fer"

spying a discarded can of spinach nearby, (there always is one!) Popeye snatches it and with his trademark squeeze, pops the lid open and quickly consumes the contents

(insert Disco Remix of "Popeye the Sailor Man")

as Popeye's muscles bulge, his clothing is instantly transformed into a glowing white three piece suit with sequined platformed shoes, a tastefully large gold medallion on a chain and a oh-so-manly lavender neck scarf. Our research shows that Popeye is a 15 second man (Olive Oyl has confirmed this) and therefore any pummeling he's going to deliver will be short but deadly.

"HULK SMASH!"

"hey buddy, i gots a few steps to show ya!"

and as the music plays, Popeye winds up with both fists and lets fly at the Hulk, who being knocked backwards by the blows flies comically into the air and crashing headfirst into the mirrored ball. The tether that secured the mirrored ball gives way under the Hulk's weight and both monster and ball crash headlong onto the disco floor.

Popeye, not missing a beat, because that would be oh-so-square, connects with a powerful right and sends the dazed hulk through the other front picture window to land in a dumpster across the street. And as the dumpster lid closed on the Hulk, Popeye scooped up Olive and walked off into the sunset while the music played...

"I fights to the finsh, cause i eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the Sailor Man, oooh-ooh! freak out! oooh-ooh! toot toot!

- Live From Kermit

For those of you who don't know, The Maestro is Hulk's future supervillian incarnation. Actually, I'd put him beyond supervillian...he's killed practically EVERYONE who dared fight him! That means EVERY superhero in the Marvel universe...not even Satan himself could do that.

So, we've got someone who's killed every superhero in existence going up against...a spinach-eating sailor?

It's like pitting the XFL cheerleaders against my grandmother.

- The Technogeek with Too Much Free Time

THE FINAL WORD...

I have just one question for you guys: is this being broadcast at 8:30 on Kid's WB! or 9:30 on Cartoon Network?

- Rainwoman

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bionic Woman v. Wonder Woman
Thundercats v. Masters of the Universe
Spider-Man v. The Tick

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Next Match: Poppin' wheelies.
ETA: Monday, April 23rd, 2001